Ok, I´m sure you guys are bored of answering this question, but I´m having a conflict here. I have been on NC for some months now, doing really well lately, not answering her emails, etc... I almost thought I was over her... but then... tomorrow is her birthday... and I´m feeling weird again. WHy?? Im not holding to any hope at all! She has a new BF now, and he will make her day as happy as ever, and I shouldn't care, but the truth is I do. I guess the Birthday is bringing up the EX subject back to my head.

The question is... should I say something to her? Yes, I know... NC means NC (Im seeing KCTIGER screaming it to me :D), but I have this "rule" that I always say Happy Birthday to my exes. I have always done it, and I don't see what harm would that do to me right now if I did it. I mean, NC is for my healing, but I can't see what would go wrong with me saying "Hey, Happy Bday! Have a great day", right? I like to be the "decent" and "correct" guy, and doing this is somehting I believe in. She probably just answers "thanks!" and that's all. Not expecting more...

SHe´s been a bit** to me after the relationship ended, and I hate her for that, but I think saying Happy Birthday shouldn't be that bad? WHat do you guys think?

ANd YES, Im obviously not yet over her... I know that :) Still working hard on that, though :)

Thanks!

Well to be honest if she's being a bit**, as you put it, I wouldn't waste my time with a "Happy Birthday." Sounds to me like she doesn't deserve it.

Nope, I didn't even read your whole post and NO do not break NC. You will feel foolish for doing so after you do it.

Saying happy birthday to an ex is like saying good boy to a cat... they don't care and they really don't want you talking to them!

Don't waste your time.

By asking us this question and seeking our approval shows that you already have a lot of doubts about the idea. Stick with your instincts. It is a bad idea. I don't see anything good that can come with it. Think about it this way:

1) You message her and she responds. Then you will end up analyzing her response, which will reset a lot of the progress that you've made.

2) You message her and she doesn't respond. Then you will wonder why she couldn't even say thank you. Again, resetting much of your progress.

No good can come of this. Stick to the rules and keep up with your progress.

I would advise don't anything - No good will come of it.

Ask yourself why your doing it - is it really to be nice to her or is it a gesture for your own benefit.

My ex left me for someone else and NC rules applied. I did not send her anything for her birthday. Mine was about 6 weeks later and she sent me a happy birthday message. I can safely say it pretty much mucked up my day as I was analzing her motifs for most of it.

Are you secretly wishing a response from her if you send a happy birthday wish? Your doing well with NC but your not over her. This seems like to easy a way to get her to come to you. If you send a birthday message and she responds then what? Ignore it? Its pointless. Don't waste your time and her wondering.

As everyone else said I wouldn't do it. I mean you said she was being a BI#@ at the end of the relationship. Just keep on going with your NC. Let this be the ex that you don't wish happy birthday too because from what you said it doesn't sound like she is very deserving of one. Plus she has a boyfriend all ready so what's the point.

No way.

Doesn't help your cause or hers.

It won't do anything except keep you from breaking your tradition. So you would only be wasting your time to satisfy something you do as a general rule to yourself.
A B! Doesn't appreciate anything and usually only finds fault so why bother.
Save your breath, save your time, save your dime, and save your NC rule.

Interesting answers from everyone. I guess I'm so totally different and that's OK. Why allow someone else's behavior to change who you are? I understand NC, but to me, sometimes NC only emphasizes the control the person has over you. Or you over them. I would say yes, but then I also don't fully agree with NC. There will be a period that is given or taken to allow both parties to get used to not being together or get "over" each other. However, don't you eventually take time to speak to that person and kind of get some "closure". If not how can you say you ever really cared. I'm still half way "cool" with every man I ever said I loved.
I think that when you are working through a break up, as important as it is to watch your boundaries and keep your distance, there are always things that you want to say or wish you could say. Whether they are heard, taken into consideration or even appreciated or not isn't your concern, but to get them off your chest and out in the open is what I find healing. Yes it depends on the maturity of both parties and the strength of both parties and as long as the understanding is that there you don't want anything and you aren't giivng anything. My text would read:
No response please... No expectations, no requests... just wishing you a happy birthday.

Solves it for me.

If you are going to text, its better to not put all of that extra info. If you feel you have to then a simple Happy B-day would suffice. My question would be why? What is it doing for you? Is it making you feel better? He said he wasn't over her so to me it seems like he would send it to get some sort of response back from her. It may also be because he wants show that he is a good guy and still wishes her a happy b day. She has a boyfriend and other friends that will wish her happy b day.

He also said he "has this "rule" that I always say Happy Bday to my exes." "I like to be the "decent" and "correct" guy, and doing this is somehting I believe in." and stated that he wasn't expecting more.
So my point was, let that be known... no expectations... just keeping with what I do. Which is why I said why allow someone else to change who you are. Prepare yourself for for the obligatory thanks if anything and try to avoid it by assking her not to respond.
Just my thoughts... because I am similar minded, I always show I care regardless of where it leaves me. I have to know my boundaries going in, but I am true to myself. Pride isn't a good look. And I see holding out on someone that you know you care about prideful.

If it was something that he always has done then why is he questioning if he should? I am not saying he should change who he is but why wish her happy birthday. He can still care about her without wishing her a happy birthday. I think there is something a little more to the happy birthday text then there is to all his other ex's.

I agree just because it is something he always does she doesn't need to 'benefit'. Skipping or making exemption clauses doesn't prevent you from still 'always' saying happy birthday. They just weren't included.

I agree with the others. It's fine if you are OVER your ex and expect nothing from it. But from the way you described your story, you are not over her yet. If you do send her a happy birthday message, you will lose a lot of progress you made with the MONTHS of NC.

Read so many posts on here about people who break NC and then get emotionally ruined again.

It's fine if you are over them and it's harmless, but your intentions don't seem harmless and this "rule" seems to be your excuse for contacting her. You said it yourself... you aren't over her yet!

FIrst of all, thanks for the answers.

I am the living proof that breaking NC is killer... I have been stabbed a couple of times by doing it, and its horrible... BUT... after ALL That... I don't even care anymore. I mean, all the pain has been gone through. All the worse things I could hear or see I have seen.there is nothing else that could kill me right now. I am done with the relationship and all I want is to show that "Im still here, alive, and that I´m not gonna change who I am for that person".

I agree with MsMewiththat in all she said. I understand everybody else´s response to NOT break NC cause you have a lot of expericne and you´ve been there... but I have gone already through all the pain I could go through, and all I need is to get a new girl to cpmpletely remove the ex from my mind. Not a sa rebound... I have already done my months of work, and I am getting ready. The only reason why I think I´m not over her, is more like a "competition" thing. The fact that she has a boyfriend and I Don't have a Girl, makes me angry, sad, and when I think what she might be doing with the nw guy simply kills me inside. If I had a girl I´m dating, I wouldn´t care! Maybe I´m weird, but this is how I feel!

So, again.. I´m not epecting NOTHING from this. Just to show and prove my point that I am a decent guy, and she sucks... will she care? Don't know, but at least I´m happy with myself for being who I am and expressing what I think should be expressed.

And yes, I said she was a bit**, but maybe the way she acted was the "standard and usual way to act" according to many people here. Blowing off somebody you LOVED to me is being a bit**, while maybe for somebody here that just is "being honest" like I have read before in other posts... so... yeah, I guess she did what she had to do since our relationship wasn´t going anywhere (very different characters and not very compatible), and cut it before it was too late to be more painful.

I really think if I had a new girl I would be a lot better... but nowadays finding somebody cool that you like is SOOOOOOO difficult that I get overwhelmed and I just pass and live my life without a SO, and sometimes thinking how much fun my ex is having wth her boyfriend... which sucks, but oh well... I guess that´ll make me stronger right? :)

So, appreciating all your advice here, I might only text her saying HAPPY Birthday! And that's all. That way I do a mid point in between what you guys told me and what I thought I should do. I would NEVER call her, or send her a present or cards... just a simple text.

I´ll write back here to see what she does or what she doesn´t. In any case, I don't care, honestly. I just want to show that I am decent, doesn't matter if she wants to see it or not.

If your train of thought is that until you have a new girl you won't be completely over her, then you have a LOT further to go. The fact that you are in "competition" with your ex clearly shows you have no business contacting her.

Trying to not change who you are has NOTHING to do with your ex. Arguments on this thread that try and prove otherwise are false. Regardless of whether I text my ex or no does not change who I am and has NOTHING to do with me being a nice guy. Thinking otherwise is purely delusional.

It is widely known in my circle of friends my ex is dating a lawyer, and I am single... you know what the best part is? I DO NOT CARE! I don't need a girlfriend to change the way I feel about my ex. She is free to live her life as am I.

Do what you think is right.

Getting a new girl will not heal you... only time will. How much time is up to you, and by the looks of it you'll need a lot more time after contacting your ex.

What happens if she responds? Starts up a conversation? What then? Were you going to try to be friends with her? If it kills you that she has a boyfriend and all the fun they are having together, then these are the things you have to be prepared for if she "befriends" you after this text... it'll only get worse.

You know you're a decent guy, and I'm sure SHE knows that. So what is there left to prove?

Keep us informed and good luck.

Ok, OK.. I don't want to be the stubborn guy that doesn't listen to people and then you guys go: I TOLD YOUUU and bring pizzas and all that, hehe :)

You guys are right. I need time to get over all this, and probably a new girl is not going to do it. ANd yes... texting her or not is not going to change who I am.

So.. if she responds.. I don't answer anymore. Im not going to go with a conversation, cause she is the first one that Doesn't want to lead me (she said that a couple of times) and I know she will only answer THANKS, or something like that. I am DEFINITELY not going to be her friend, and Im not going to listen to what she says. I don't think saying Happy Birthday is breaking NC... its just breaking a rule for a good cause. I really don't think its going to get me worse. I know myself, and after all the turmoils and rollercoasters... I can take anything now. But she is not that bad, she is not going to say" Thanks, by the way, I f***ed my new boyfriend last night and hes so much better than you" in the text.. she´s just not THAT mean, haha. SHe is correct when it comes to communication. She has had a LOT of boyfriends (she is kind of problematic and has a lot of youth issues... having 3 different mums, a dad that mis-educated she and her sister telling them that all guys are MEAN and bad, and that marriage is a curse... etc... having a mum that's 50 years old, super hot, and that sleeps every night with a 22 year old guy... ) and she knows the drill.. so well... I truly believe although I don't have to prove anything to her, that saying Happy Birthday will show that I´m better than she is. What for? I don't really know, maybe just to make myself feel better. ISn´t it worth that?

This isn't about showing you are better than she is. The best revenge is you, moving on, and being happier with your life without her in it... again... EVER! That is the key.

Worth is relative to how you feel.

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Originally Posted by chetatkinsLA

Ok, ok..I dont wanna be the stubborn guy that doesnt listen to people and then you guys go: I TOLD YOUUU and bring pizzas and all that, hehe :)

You guys are right. I need time to get over all this, and probably a new girl is not gonna do it. ANd yes...texting her or not is not gonna change who I am.

So..if she responds..I dont answer anymore. Im not gonna go with a conversation, cause she is the first one that DOESNT want to lead me (she said that a couple of times) and I know she will only answer THANKS, or something like that. I am DEFINITELY not gonna be her friend, and Im not gonna listen to what she says. I dont think saying Happy Bday is breaking NC...its just breaking a rule for a good cause. I really dont think its gonna get me worse. I know myself, and after all the turmoils and rollercoasters...I can take anything now. But she is not that bad, she is not gonna say" Thanks, by the way, I f***ed my new boyfriend last night and hes so much better than you" in the text..she´s just not THAT mean, haha. SHe is correct when it comes to communication. She has had a LOT of boyfriends (she is kinda problematic and has a lot of youth issues...having 3 different mums, a dad that mis-educated she and her sister telling them that all guys are MEAN and bad, and that marriage is a curse...etc...having a mum thats 50 years old, super hot, and that sleeps every night with a 22 year old guy...) and she knows the drill..so well...I truly believe although I dont have to prove anything to her, that saying Happy Birthday will show that I´m better than she is. What for? I dont really know, maybe just to make myself feel better. ISn´t it worth that?

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You've done a lot of thinkin' for a silly text message.

Relax.

What if she doesn't text back. How will that make you feel? You will probably be looking at your phone until she does. If you really want to text her then by all means please do, I am just not seeing how it would benefit you at all. You know you are a good guy who wishes her well and I get the feeling that she knows the same. Just let it be.

Do not break NC! There, I said it.

If you do this you'll start back at square one.

It's time to stop obsessing about her. Every date on the calendar can be a special day if you're remembering an ex. She has a new guy, he'll take care of her birthday, it's no longer your job to be there for her.

Look forward, stop looking back, you'll trip! ;)

Only trying to help.
It's up to you but speaking fropm experience. If you break NC no matter what the out come is reply no reply or what ever you will be going backwards in your own recovery.

You may at the moment think your in control of the situation but as soon as you hit send you have lost that control.

Maybe think about this - she knows you know it's her birthday if you do nothing you will have even more control.

Yeah you guys are right. I'm not going to text her! I hope I keep this feeling for a while cause I act a lot by impulses and I may just text her later without thinking... I'm weird like that hehe.

And yes, I think toooo much about a simple text.. but that's how I am.. scorpio :)

I hear you and have made that mistake before but before you hit that send button, think twice because you have clearly thought it out and have came to the decision not to because you think its best. Just try to have some self control.

IT won't help you to text her at this point. She has moved on, and you said she has another boyfriend. You will feel worse if you did in the long run. As hard as it is, nothing would come out of it. YOU won't be moving forward, it will just set you back, sorry.

Ok guys.. time to slap me now! I'm stubborn, and I did it! I texted her! But you know what? I feeel good and I don't regret it!

Me: happy birthday *******! Hope you have a great day!

She: (1 minute later) thanks! I hope you are doing good!

Just what I was expecting! Do I want to text back? NO! I'm done! Do I feel bad? Nope! Actually I feel better cause I did what I thought was the rightr thing to do...

Sorry for not totally listening to your advices, I hope you understand! Now its deep and deadly NC for me forever! Maybe until her next birthday, hehe :)

PS: another ex of mines birthday is in a week... but I dumped this one, and she hates me.. should I say happy birthday to her? :)

Repeated

Had to edit this now that I realized you just texted her haha. Anyway, I hope your right. I hope that this didn't kill your progress.

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Originally Posted by chetatkinsLA

Ok guys..time to slap me now! I'm stubborn, and I did it! I texted her! But you know what? I feeel good and I don't regret it!

Me: happy birthday *******! Hope you have a great day!

She: (1 minute later) thanks! I hope you are doing good!

Just what I was expecting! Do I wanna text back? NO! I'm done! Do I feel bad? Nope! Actually I feel better cause I did what I thought was the rightr thing to do...

Sorry for not totally listening to your advices, I hope you understand! Now its deep and deadly NC for me forever! Maybe until her next birthday, hehe :)

PS: another ex of mines birthday is in a week...but I dumped this one, and she hates me..should I say happy bday to her? :)

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You have to let go, where is it going to get you, she is with someone else, bottom line. YOUR looking for something to come out of it, and she has moved on. Sorry! Look for someone new...

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Originally Posted by sully123

You have to let go, where is it going to get you, she is with someone else, bottom line. YOUR looking for something to come out of it, and she has moved on. Sorry! Look for someone new........................

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Shouldn't I heal first and then look for somebody else? You guys don't realise that I have given up on her... the fact that I want to say happy birthday to my exes is just a thing I do... I still say happy birthday to my first ex and we broke up 5 years ago!! Does that mean I'm not over her? Come on¡ give me some credit! :) I'm not looking for her to come back with me! I don't even want her back! She showed who she really was and I don't want that girl! Period! I miss her? Yes, I miss the girl she was when she was with me! Since then she morphed into a cold bit**! I don't like cold bit**es! But I'm still a gentlemen and the fact that she sucks doesn't mean I have to suck too, but hey, you are right in that she doesn't deserve my best wishes. She

She won't get any more wishes until christmas.. maybe not even that one!

No one is putting you down for it. But why would you wish someone who use say is a bit** to you, a Happy Birthday, if she is this horrible person. Sounds too me this is the real person she is now. You miss someone who treats you like this. Sorry she doesn't sound like such a nice person.

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Originally Posted by sully123

No one is putting you down for it. But why would you wish someone who use say is a bit** to you, a Happy Birthday, if she is this horrible person. Sounds too me this is the real person she is now. You miss someone who treats you like this. Sorry she doesn't sound like such a nice person.

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Well my take on this is that she isn´t so bad... she just saw we were not going anywhere due to our extreme differences and she opted to cut this down ASAP, and the way she had doing it is hurting me. I will always say it... I understand the WHY, but I don´t get the HOW she did it. That's where in my opinion she f-ed up. So yeah, although she did all that to me after the relationship, she is a good girl and I wanted to wish her a happy birthday, which Im sure she is having. And again, I don't miss that MEAN person she morphed into when we broke up.. I miss the person she was before! Who´s the real one? I guess both! I changed too! At the beginning I was charming.. but when I got to see that she was very selfish, she always had to take the lead in everything and I always had to do things HER way, I got pissed and started to act in a passive mode... she saw the side of me that she didn't like.. but she motivated it, so yeah... all I can get out of this is that we weren´t meant to be together. Our personalities didn't match, and although the beginning was amazingly nice, when the real life came to play, it all started to fall apart. I guess this is the pattern EVERY relationship that is not meant to be follows, right?

Anyway, I´m done with this girl, makes me sad, but Im done. Now I´ll have to wait until I totally remove her from my thoughts and then start looking at girls again :) I wish I could skip the first part, but I guess you guys are right and I should be patienT! :D Not one of my strong points, haha!

Thank you all for the help. Feel free to continue commenting, I will love to read more insight from you guys about my situation! :D

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Originally Posted by chetatkinsLA

Shouldn't I heal first and then look for somebody else? You guys don't realise that I have given up on her...the fact that I want to say happy bday to my exes is just a thing I do...I still say happy bday to my first ex and we broke up 5 years ago!!! Does that mean I'm not over her? Come on¡ give me some credit! :) I'm not looking for her to come back with me! I don't even want her back! She showed who she really was and I don't want that girl! Period! I miss her? Yes, I miss the girl she was when she was with me! Since then she morphed into a cold bit**! I don't like cold bit**es! But I'm still a gentlemen and the fact that she sucks doesn't mean I have to suck too, but hey, u r right in that she doesn't deserve my best wishes. She

She won't get any more wishes until christmas..maybe not even that one!

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Sorry man, but I'm just not really buying this whole "you say happy bday to all your exes" because if you did, then why did you ask in the first place. Obviously something is wrong or else you would have never posted the question. I don't mean to call you a liar or anything I just think that something more is up.

I don't think its something weird... yes... I have that tradition of saying happy birthday to my exes.. why is that so bad? I don't like to erase people from my life... a period is necessary for self-cure, but after you are fine... shouldn´t be too bad, right? I talk with ALL of my exes... and I am over them... I like to know about them and how they are doing. Maybe Im weird :D

I asked in the first place about all this situation because I felt unsecure about all her birthday thing. The fact that it was her birthday made me feel weird... like sad, or that I had to do something, don't know why.. thats basically why I posted my question. The text was just a consequence of it... I just wanted to know why I had these weird feelings in certain important daysm like her sisters wedding (which I was invited, but after we broke up I wasn´t invited anymore... and I did the save the date picture as a photographer), her birthday... I don't know... I know she has a new life without me but I still feel weird in those important days. The rest of the days I do my own life, and I don't care.. now that her birthday is over... im not looking forward to something about her at all... I don't know what she´s up to, or what she´s doing next... I have the curiosity, but I am better without knowing.

I had a great day today (her bday)... I sometimes thought about what she might be doing... and this made me feel weird, but I tried to avoid thinking about that... I think I should be fine after today... nothing to look forward to... break ups are crazy! That's all I know!

Just wait till next year when it isn't nearly as raw. I still believe firmly that ex's are ex's for a reason and most of them should go jump off a pier or get lost entirely. I have a few I still talk to though, and I had NC with every single one of them for quite some time.

YOU need some time to heal, and obviously you agree. So don't feel bad for wanting to contact her to say happy birthday, just yanno, ignore it this year, It will do you more good in the end than contacting her and giving her a reason to suck you back in. Kudos on not contacting her.

So what your saying is that you are entering "deep NC" until her next birthday.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

So what your saying is that you are entering "deep NC" until her next birthday.

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Well I´m hoping that by then I´m fine already and totally over it... One year of NC is A LOT! Hehe.