Someone please help! I divorced my husband 10 years ago because he made me choose between my marriage and our unborn child. I choose our child and had a beautiful baby girl alone. Since then my ex has kept me on the back burner with promises that one day we will be together. Last weekend I discovered that another woman had been staying with him at weekends and he introduced her to our daughter, I'm devastated and don't know how to get through this. Our 18 year old son hasn't spoken to him for 3 years because of how he treats me, and he is giving this as the excuse for not being a family. We had a very bitter divorce and I went through pregnancy and birth alone just hoping that once he saw the baby he would change his mind but he has been dangling the carrot ever since. Trouble is I love him and can't see a future without him, but I also know I can't go on like this.
On my request we've not had contact for two months because it's worse when I see him, so he's picking up or daughter from my moms house. Help, I don't know where to go from here.:confused:

You need to move on.
He is not going to comeback to you.
If you need to I would suggest you seek counseling.

I have an ex brother in law that did this same thing to my sister.
It took her 2 years but now she is finally dating again.

Where the is a will there is away

You love a man that forced you to choose between your marriage and your unborn child? You were married, grown adults who already had one child. This wasn't even a crisis pregnancy and he wanted you to have an abortion or he was leaving? And he actually left? I certainly don't blame your son for not speaking to him. It's a wonder you even speak to him or anyone in your family speaks to him. It's amazing your mother actually lets him come to her house to pick your daughter up. I'm sorry, but the sooner you forget this loser, the better. I know you'll have to tolerate him due to visitation with your daughter (the one he wanted you to abort and you didn't, so he left) but I'd steer clear of him. I just hope your son and daughter eventually learn from this. I know it was difficult but you made the right choice.

I can't believe you want to jump back into the fire after getting so badly burned. Be civil for the kids but dude is a loser.

Thanks for taking time to reply guys, you've been such a help and you all make perfect sense. X

I am a big believer in something that may sound strange but I don't think I have ever stopped loving someone I have loved. I don't believe we are meant to do that either. What I have done is limited my exposure to them, or stopped being available to them, or stopped being open to being abused by them, or if necessary and possible, stopped any connection whatsoever to them -- all while still loving them with all my heart.

It was painful but I failed utterly at killing off my love for them and my attempts became too painful.

What I could eventually see, and easier and easier each time, is they are people who are sick or unsafe to me and I love me too. So these actions were required. I learned to tell myself as I let go of each one that should some amazing miracle occur and they be rendered well or safe enough for me, that I trust my spiritually guided path enough to know we would meet again.

So far that has happened only once. I am astonished that it did too.

Am I sad about the rest? Oh yes. Am I devastated by that? No. Living in a safe, sane environment has helped me heal from some pretty destructive relationships and the incumbent loss. I grieve the loss and heal. And so can you. And wouldn't that be a marvelous lesson to demonstrate to your son and perhaps pass onto your daughter one day, should she need it?

I think daughter dropped off at Mom's is a terrific way to protect yourself. I would employ other methods along similar lines too. I hope this helps.

Val!! Outstanding once again!! I agree so much about always loving someone - I still love my High School girlfriend. Girls I dated in my 20's - but, do I want to go back?? NO WAY!! I am sad too - about them. Beter person for them - I am better person to be with as well. I took somehting from each one of them

IT'S BROKE BECAUSE IT'S BROKEN!!

Kay13 - tough love here - but you don't ever want to be with this guy again. You had something 10 years ago - i9t broke. He's NEVER changed. He toys with you because you let him!! Ughhhhh!!

EVEN your son knows better than to have anything to do with this guy. Cut him off!! Now.

All he does is play you for his big jollies.

You' be together if things coul/would work out.

Guys, what can I say? I have never looked at it like that Val - perahps it's easier to accept the love will never go away, but knowing it is healthier for me not to have him in my life. Yes, I like that. Protecting myself is good, that is what I must concentrate on.

Wildcat, yes, he toys with me because I let him! Ouch, but totally true, that man is now officially cut off! X

Well - stop it! How to do that? STOP ALL communications with this JERK!!

You're son is only 18 AND HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO!! Follow your son - you son knows how to handle this a JERK!! You're son is smart kid.

Did I say he was a complete Jerk!!

Easy there WC, she said "that man is now officially cut off" in her last post... did you not see that?

I saw - I want to make sure she does this though. I bet it's really hard for her.

I wasn't putting her down - I was showing how smart her son was and how kids kind of know.

She wasn't able to do this for 10 years - so she most likely won't do it in one month.

I realised where you were going WC, I've thought it myself my Son got his number 3 years ago and I'm still hanging on. It is hard and it's early days but I know that I got to do it, simple as that.

I also have to try to stand back from the relationship my daughter has with him. She seems to be going through a phase of playing us off against each other. She tells me what she thinks I want to hear but to him it's another story. If I don't let it all go over my head I'll go mad!
I hope he's met his match and what goes around comes around because from where I'm standing this all seems to be so unfair.

Hi there, just having a bit of a bad one today.
My ex told his brother that 'he will always have feelings for me, as the mother of his children'. The children he didn't want. I find that quite insulting, I have feelings for my cat, what's it supposed to mean?

He's told our daughter he has a lovely new house and he's taking her to see it on Sunday, not that he's told her he will be sharing it with a woman she's met once.

It's great how he buries his head in the sand and everything works out for him. :(

Whoa, there Kay... change the channel. Less focus on him, more focus on you and others! Become "politely too busy" to hear unnecessary information about him. Close the door, hang up the phone, make a list of topics to think about instead of him to whip out of your pocket and derail any spontaneous "stewing about him" session. This is not him doing it to you-- this is you USING him to do it to you.

Yeah, this guy is DEEP in your head for noreason - and he knows it.

IF he wanted to ever be with YOU he would. Guess what - you're not. Move on.

He will always say he has feelings to KEEP YOU ON HIS LITTLE STRING AS LIKE plan D. (not even close to plan B)

This guy really plays you - for 10 years!

This guy sees the daughter on a regular basis, that he left you for because you wouldn't get an abortion??

Am I correct in the above statement?

WOW what an contradiction! :mad:

You may think everything works out for him. Yes, he is getting a new home and a relationship. But his son has nothing to do with him, his daughter at some point will feel the same way. I can not imagine what a man is like inside that would give up his children. To be a selfish, uncaring, thoughtless man is not someone that has peace in his heart. You can not possibly feel everything works out for him. When old age comes, your life will be filled with love of your children, grandchildren and a man that cares about you. His will be emply and he will have to live with that.
You can love the man you once loved, I do not think you love the inside of that man now. In life we often get confused when we have loved one so deeply. We love the illusion of the life we wanted and thought we had with that person. Open your eyes and see what life that man has given you. He has given you an ultimatum for your daughter,(very insinsitive), he has left you alone to raise your children(very selfish and uncaring)and has led you to believe you would be together someday(when HIS children were gone? Ouch! Double selfish! )Now a new woman and not telling you. See, you really can not love a man who has taken away 10 years of your life waiting for him while he used you. It is just a illusion of love. Yes, you can love what you had at one time, but that was a long time ago. Look to the future and pouring that love towards yourself, and meeting someone who knows what a good person you are and will love you in unselfish ways. Oh, you so deserve that. Even if you were to get back with him, I think you would feel some betrayal for what he did to you and you would find you do not even like the man.

Write down 10 qualities you want in a man. Does he have any of those qualities?

Guys, thanks.

Vil, yes too much focus on him - had I re-read my post I could have seen it!

WC - he knows which buttons to press and uses it to his advantage, always has.

BIM - yes you are correct in your statement, it's never made sense to me either.

K3 - What a wonderful way of putting things, I had never looked that far ahead, but all you say is perfectly true. I loved what was, not what he is now.
I would struggle for 10 qualities!

Once again, heartfelt thanks. X

"You can love the man you once loved, I do not think you love the inside of that man now. In life we often get confused when we have loved one so deeply. We love the illusion of the life we wanted and thought we had with that person."

Love it!! Love it!!

I just so hate it when my daughter comes back full of her weekend with her Dad.
So now he has a new four bed house in the country and his girlfriend really wants a hot tub in the garden so he's going to surprise her with one! Good God, we're his family and we didn't even get the drippings off his nose!!
What I wouldn't give to never hear about him again.

You don't want the drippings off the nose of this grub.
Stop worrying about him and what he is doing.

Who cares.
Stuff him.

It is about you and your kids.

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Originally Posted by kay13

I just so hate it when my daughter comes back full of her weekend with her Dad.
So now he has a new four bed house in the country and his girlfriend really wants a hot tub in the garden so he's going to surprise her with one! Good God, we're his family and we didn't even get the drippings off his nose!!!
What I wouldn't give to never hear about him again.

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It would be nice not to hear of him again. My mother told me never to sleep with someone I did not want to know for the rest of my life. Children will always tie you together,so that is not going to be an option. Now, you have wasted for too much time and energy on this man. Put on your best and get out there and find someone who loves you and the two of you can have a nice house in the country and he will love you enough to give you your whim. Do not waste another thought for this man. His new girlfriend and he marry and she gets pregnant and he does not want it, she gets house and hot tub. He gets more child support and little apartment. No one knows the future. When someone uses others eventually it all comes tumbling home. Do not wish ill on someone, that is not good. Just wait.

Thanks K_3, I've wasted a lot of time and emotion. I like the bit about her getting the hot tub:) it's so true! I've realised that slowly things are improving, I don't think about him as much, it seems insignificant now as I don't actually think I have any feelings which is good.
Thanks skell, it's about me & the kids and we're OK and that's all that matters, he surely is a grub! X

Next time you start to get angry at what he has materially you should look at a photo of your son and think how lucky you are that you have a child who loves and repects you and sees right through your ex. That would have to make you feel better than a new bathtub anyday.

Point taken Chuff, it works too! :D

Hi kay.. its time that you have move on. This man is no good for you and apparently never was. If you let people use you then they will. This isn't love. No man that truly loves and respects a woman would ever do this to them. And although you say that you still love him are you sure that you really do? Or are you "loving" him in case that he does decide to come back. Im sorry that he wasn't there for you during your pregnancy with your daughter no man should make a woman choose between them and a child its not right and its not fair. For that mere fact would have made me forget him a long time ago. He is using you and does not love you. At least not enough to stay faithful. You're an attractive woman and you could do so much better sweetheart. Don't waste another minute on a man like this he doesn't deserve you.

Hi bizygurl,
It is time I truly believe that now. If I probe deep maybe after he gave me that choice it was dead and buried, I guess I kept it alive because I was scared.
No, he didn't love me or he would never have hurt me in such a cruel way.
It's time for me and my lovely little family to move on and find happiness without him. I'm now more at peace with myself and don't feel as tortured as a few months ago. My demons are leaving me slowly but surely and I hope there is a better life for me.
Everyone here has helped me find my path and put the past and him firmly where it belongs and I will always be grateful for that. X

That's wonderful Kay. Im happy that myself and others have been a help to you. That's what were here for. There is a better life for you and your on the right track. Good luck with everything.

You need to move on.

He was mean enough to make you choose between an

UNBORN CHILD

AND

A REALATIONSHIP with HIM.

Think wisely.

Move on, Forget him.

Find someone else, remember there are more than 1 guy in your state.

Peace!

Hoped i helped!

Hi gansada, I'm moving on and forgetting him and I must admit it is getting easier. It's great that there is no contact, and the fact that he's found that so easy just about proves what his feelings were for me. I think I'll give the dating game a miss for a while and concentrate on me.

Please do - and forget this guy, Ughhhhhhh!!

There are a lot of great guys out there - but take it SLOW - look for red flags. If you take your time you will find a great guy. Just be smarter about the situation - get stronger. Heal.

Hi WC,

Funnily enough your comment 'get smarter - get stronger' is precicely what my counsellor told me last week. I need to listen to my feelings instead of choosing to ignore them as I did when I met my husband. So although I knew what he was cabable of I chose not to listen to myself. A harsh lesson and a mistake that won't happen again. It's a matter of trusting myself.

Your situation is very difficult, I would say you should probably try to forget him too. I as you know, know that this is easier said than done. He has another woman though, that's horrible.

Hi wap, I think sometimes the fact that he has another woman helps me. It has meant that for the first time in 10 years I have had to let go. I look on it, as do my family, that he has done me a massive favour. It honestly is getting better. My daughter and I go on holiday on Tuesday and that is truly a massive step forward for me. Wish me luck!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kay13

Someone please help! I divorced my husband 10 years ago because he made me choose between my marriage and our unborn child. I choose our child and had a beautiful baby girl alone. Since then my ex has kept me on the back burner with promises that one day we will be together. Last weekend I discovered that another woman had been staying with him at weekends and he introduced her to our daughter, I'm devestated and don't know how to get through this. Our 18 year old son hasn't spoken to him for 3 years because of how he treats me, and he is giving this as the excuse for not being a family. We had a very bitter divorce and I went through pregnancy and birth alone just hoping that once he saw the baby he would change his mind but he has been dangling the carrot ever since. Trouble is I love him and can't see a future without him, but I also know I can't go on like this.
On my request we've not had contact for two months because it's worse when I see him, so he's picking up or daughter from my moms house. Help, I don't know where to go from here.:confused:

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Why would you want to love someone who treats you like dirt?? He made his choice when he did not want your "beautify baby girl". It's been 10 years, he has moved on. Now it's your turn! Find someone who will love you and your children. Your x is not the guy.

Hi pegsue, I promise I will find someone who cherishes me and my kids, because we deserve the best, no more putting up with a man who treats me like dirt.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pegsue42

Why would you want to love someone who treats you like dirt??? He made his choice when he did not want your "beautify baby girl". It's been 10 years, he has moved on. Now it's your turn! Find someone who will love you and your children. Your x is not the guy.

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Yes, he is obviously not worth your time and effort.. You will find someone who can appreciate you for who you are...

Thanks Geofferson, I hope so too.

I agree too, it is going to take time to get over the whole situation. There are various stages as you know. It sounds like this guy just keeps messing about. It seems that age doesn't make guys grow up and be responsible! Not all guys are the same though : ) I am trying to see all the positive things now, things in your life will be easier for you without him.

I found it easier to allow myself to feel the continued love I have for them but silmultaneously remember that the one I love is dysfunctional--meaning not capable of returning love in a healthy manner. That also requires (if I love myself, which I do) that I protect myself, usually by discontinuing the relationship or minimizing it as much as possible. I let go of the dream that they will change. I "distance myself with love", as they say in Al-Anon, so there is no bitterness on my part to sour my future relationships. It's a kind of strange forgiveness that is very freeing while not signing me up again for stuff like that-- from them or anyone else. Very worth the pain, that lesson, but it took time to see that in hindsight, Kay.