Entire story merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

Hi.

Me and my Fiancé have a great relationship. We talk openly, enjoy each others company and do small things to make each other feel special. What I am scared about is I am having doubts about our compatibility regardless if things are going great or not.

There are differences in our preferred lifestyle.

Me : Loves hiking. Would rather explore new caves than go clubbing. Staying home and watching a movie or cook.

Her : Loves clubbing, visiting friends and not stay at home. She does enjoy it once in a while, watching a movie or cook with me.

But this is what is scaring me. We are doing more of what I want to do, and less of what she wants to do. We do go hiking together, and we do go clubbing together. The problem is, when we do go clubbing, I spend my time at the bar, drinking the night away. She spends her time on the dance floor so we see each other on such a night about 5 minutes maybe.

I simply have no desire to dance. Never had. Kind of a metal person. Truth be told, the clubs we go to irritate the living hell out of me. But I hold my pose well. The point is, I just started the process of telling her we are doing this and this, which is what I know she likes and wants because I started feeling guilty that we do too much what I want to do.

The other problem is, in my past I use to do a lot of LSD, some KAT and lots of pot. When we met, she was using KAT and pot. I was clean for a month or two, only smoking a joint in the past 5 years and no other substances.

I knew I had to say no, but I lit one up with her, and now we are still smoking a joint every now and then. I feel I have had a positive effect on her life, as she use to smoke daily, and since she met me, she only does it once or twice a week. As for the KAT, I told her one night that it has to stop. It was making her emotional beyond which is normal. It always completely takes away her sex drive for days on end and creates great over reactions for minor misunderstandings.

She tried to quit, and did for a month or two, then she started seeing her old friends again. So it started all over again. But she kept it from me, but I soon confronted her telling her all the signs are back. So she confessed. This broke my trust. I am trying to support her through this, but another month or two passed then it spoiled an entire romantic evening. She kept it from me again, and I made an entire romantic evening for us. Instead of being happy she started crying and then confessed she used it again. On a guilt trip the entire evening was a mess. I did not get mad, I only told her I do not like it and I want it out of her life because of this. Guilt trips, emotional outbursts etc.

So I am confused. She told me she will outgrow it, which in turn I said is BS, because you do not simply outgrow addictions. She refuses it is an addiction and says it is an escape and she needs it. Like I said before, I have experimented with a lot of things in my life, and simply do not understand how this crap can be addictive. It makes you talkative, and that is about all. OK So maybe a small buzz. Who cares.

I don't know. I love this girl with all my heart, she is very loving and caring towards me as well, but the moment she uses that stuff, she no longer has time of day for me. Then it's a cycle of 5 day emotional regret and guilt, she gets irritated at me for no reason, snaps at me etc. I am trying my best to not let it get to me. I keep telling myself I can get us through this. I can get her through this. But its getting harder and harder, and I am struggling to trust her in any sense at the moment for the simple fact that she withheld this from me. I now feel if she could have withheld this, how easy would it be to with hold flings etc.

I really want to make this work between us. I try my best. I always want to talk things out, but she usually has an enormous fit, starts yelling she is not in the mood to talk, she is tired etc. So at the end of the day I sit there tell her what's on my mind and never get any feedback from her. OK lets say I do once in a while. But no more than 20% of the time.

I want to make this work with her, and I keep telling myself she will reach a point where she will be more open towards me. But I have doubts. Lol

I tell myself it is due to her previous relationships where she had abusive boyfriends who manipulated her, abused her etc. Her mother told me she has never has a decent boyfriend in her life. So I don't know.

Truth is I still have a lot of energy and willingness to go on trying. But I am scared I will end up burned, tired and depleted of all energy. I just love her a lot and do not want to lose her over a stupid drug addiction. But the trust thing is harder now... I am always suspicious, and its driving me up the wall.

What do you people think.

It is difficult for a relationship when the trust goes, but if you really love her and it sounds like you do. This trust was broken by an addiction which takes over and makes you do things your ashamed of, and its this shame that I think led to you not being told. It will be a hard road gettng someone of drugs they have to want to do it. But she hasn't been unfaithful I wouldn't worry about that happening. Just concentrate on breaking the drug addiction with support if you can.

I will. I am confident I can help her get through this. It just takes a lot of energy out of me, considering I am struggling with my own addiction at the moment, and recently realized a few other things. For instance the thread about our sex lives. Lets just pray I stay strong enough to support us both, working out my issues, while supporting her through her issues.

It would be very selfish of me, to give up now.

I hope you manage to stay strong. You could do with some support for your addiction but you may be getting already,

No support for my addiction. Wanted to share it with my partner again but it became obvious I am alone on this one. Every time I just try to talk about it she changes the subject.

It is because she feels responsible and if I talk about it she assumes I am blaming her. But so far it is going good. I will manage. She on the other hand told me she doesn't want to quit.

So I am on the fence whether should I be patient or run away. Meditate on this I must.

It seems you like her a lot and it is very selfless of your part to help her like that. Nonetheless, she needs real professional help as it is an addiction she has. I have seen countless friends go into this path and then never get out of it even with "harmless" drugs such as pot. You need to get her to a specialist one way or another.

Of course you're suspicious--she's went behind your back more than once, partaking in drugs she knows you don't agree with.

The trust has been broken.

I admire your willingness to keep trying, but "talking this out" simply isn't going to cut it. She needs professional help, as one posted earlier. And this process is going to take time: relapses, emotional outburts, and other things of that nature. Are you prepared for that? If so, and she is willing to get help, you guys might have a chance. If she doesn't want to get help, and I would sincerely consider looking somewhere else for love.

You said you have doubts about her opening up in the future: if you have doubts now, I wouldn't ignore them. Be realistic, and be sure to know when your energy of trying to make things work with her has expired, or you'll be running in heartbreaking circles for a long time.

Good luck.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LJDK

...
Truth is i still have a lot of energy and willingness to go on trying. But i am scared i will end up burned, tired and depleted of all energy. I just love her a lot and do not want to lose her over a stupid drug addiction. But the trust thing is harder now... i am always suspicious, and its driving me up the wall.....

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You can't save her. Her addiction has a path and she is on it. It's more than any drug; it's a lifestyle. Being an addict, you understand that.

Happy relationships exist between people who have very different tastes, opposite politics, even different religions. Although you can't make a clubber into a hiker at heart, happily married couples accommodate their partner's differences. They pay attention to each other and notice what hurts or heals the other. They give wholeheartedly of themselves in the service of their mate's fulfillment. But once you introduce serious drug use, the presence of mind goes to the substance and not to the other. Challenge that, and you become the obstacle to scoring.

You probably can stick this out for a while, but there is nothing in your narrative that says you have the ability to transform this situation into one that won't break your heart. Since she is lying and confessing to you, she sees you as the authorities, not her playmate (This doesn't mean in all ways, necessarily, but regarding her next high). It would take the two of you together to fight your way out, one or more great therapists, both of you bottoming out and being ready, a good support group, and possibly several years on a roller coaster. Are you up for that?

If you really love her, then think deeply about what you are prepared to endure in order to be the bast catalyst for her and for your own recovery. It might be refusal, separation, insistence, blameless distancing, non-judgmental witnessing, and/or a dozen other ways of taking a stand for your mutual liberation from drugs. Deal with your own addiction. You can only be a force for healing if you are doing your own.

If you look within and find that your love doesn't go that deep, do both her and yourself a favor and make a gentlemanly exit. Do it right. Do it honorably, courageously, honestly. Give her the experience of a person leaving with integrity. While very hard to do, this can be done. Succeed and you help both of you move to the next steps in your lives.


Tao

I agree with the other posters as well. She does need professional help, but the first step to getting help for a problem is admitting you have a problem and wanting to get help for it, right?
She says she doesn't want to quit. She is abusing your trust for her and going behind your back. You also pointed out that she is very loving and caring for you. I have to disagree. If she 'loves' you she would be trying to help you help her with this addiction. If she "cares' for you, she would would not ignore you when you try to talk to her about stuff.
There are a lot of issues here. You love her enough to do all of this for her; but does she love you enough to do the same for you? Don't get married until you are sure... good luck!

Thank you all for the comments. I have decided I will stick it out for a few more months as I have seen some progress over time, especially last night and I am starting to believe there might be a happy and loving outcome.

PS. We had a great time last night clubbing. So I concur taoplr that there can be happiness in our differences. She even insisted we go hiking tomorrow.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LJDK

Thank you all for the comments. I have decided i will stick it out for a few more months as i have seen some progress over time, especially last night and i am starting to believe there might be a happy and loving outcome.

PS. We had a great time last night clubbing. So i concur taoplr that there can be happiness in our differences. She even insisted we go hiking tomorrow.

and from post #1:

I love this girl with all my heart, she is very loving and caring towards me as well, but the moment she uses that stuff, she no longer has time of day for me. Then its a cycle of 5 day emotional regret and guilt, she gets irritated at me for no reason, snaps at me etc. I am trying my best to not let it get to me. I keep telling myself i can get us through this. I can get her through this. But its getting harder and harder, and i am struggling to trust her in any sense at the moment for the simple fact that she withheld this from me. I now feel if she could have withheld this, how easy would it be to with hold flings etc.

I really want to make this work between us. I try my best. I always want to talk things out, but she usually has an enormous fit, starts yelling she is not in the mood to talk, she is tired etc. So at the end of the day i sit there tell her whats on my mind and never get any feedback from her. OK lets say i do once in a while. But no more than 20% of the time.

I want to make this work with her, and i keep telling myself she will reach a point where she will be more open towards me. But i have doubts. lol

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There is something noble about your decision, or maybe misguided. Time will tell.

You would be wise to examine your motives—besides what you experience as love—day to day, and to trust your intuition as you gain experience with her. What story is running in the back of your mind that gets you to think that you have the horsepower to transform things for two people who are frequent users, one of whom displays hostile behavior when high? You are telling yourself that you can get the two of you through this and one hopes that you succeed. But be real: what are your chances?

That's not to say that you shouldn't give it a full-hearted try. Just go into it with your eyes open; keep a core part of yourself to yourself, detached from all this, centered and grounded in your own being.

You know addiction. Addicts will say and do anything to hide and sustain their dependence. You will wonder if she is playing you for a long time. At the very least, she is motivated to deceive you, a caring friend who wants her to end her addiction. This is going to take a lot of love, discipline, smarts, energy, and most of all, stamina.

Bottom line: Go for it, because that's what is in you to do. Get professional help asap. Being in therapy will make a huge difference. Establish clear boundaries, limits of drug use, partying, indulgent behavior, and abuse. She will breach some or all of them.( Addicts don't accept other people's boundaries.) Decide how may times you will forgive her and how far you will take this commitment. Once you reach your limit, move. If you pull this off, you will have done something extraordinary. Maybe you both can grow and have a life together.

If you fail, or hit your limit and bail, immediately forgive both of you. I am sure you will have done everything you could. No denial. No blame. Move on with your life.

My hope is that through the ups and downs to come, you will be pleasantly surprised to feel the wind gently pressing at your back.

Tao

Tough spot and I can relate to quite a bit of it. Trust is not the only thing your relationship is lacking. It sounds like communications are down too. K isn't physically addictive, neither is LSD or pot. So a lot of these posters are assuming that this "addiction" is in full control. I see a different situation here.

I see a girl who likes to party. Since you aren't opposed, you partake with her on occasion, but ultimately you sound ready to grow up a bit. She doesn't. I'm not saying using these drugs is only partying by the way. Anyone who needs to party this hard on a regular basis has some "issues" in life. However, these drugs are not even on the same planet as Heroin, Coke or Meth.

She's going to have to grow out of this all by herself. You can either continue to hang on for the ride which will become less and less enjoyable or cut ties now before you really get hurt. An earlier poster hit the nail on the head. She sees you as some kind of authority in her life instead of a partner in crime. She's looking for a partner in crime right now. As you become more worried, she will become more resentful.

Since you used to party a bit yourself. Remember any "older" girls weathered pretty hard by drug use still hanging out with kids a bit younger than them? All that partying wears people down. Some see it early and break away and become true adults. Others get stuck in perpetual childhood and become a joke to everyone.

It's impossible to predict which road she will go down, but for your own sanity, you may want to think about how well this girl really fits into a mature healthy life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by inertia

Tough spot and I can relate to quite a bit of it. Trust is not the only thing your relationship is lacking. It sounds like communications are down too. K isn't physically addictive, neither is LSD or pot. So a lot of these posters are assuming that this "addiction" is in full control. I see a different situation here.

I see a girl who likes to party. Since you aren't opposed, you partake with her on occasion, but ultimately you sound ready to grow up a bit. She doesn't. I'm not saying using these drugs is only partying by the way. Anyone who needs to party this hard on a regular basis has some "issues" in life. However, these drugs are not even on the same planet as Heroin, Coke or Meth.

She's going to have to grow out of this all by herself. You can either continue to hang on for the ride which will become less and less enjoyable or cut ties now before you really get hurt. An earlier poster hit the nail on the head. She sees you as some kind of authority in her life instead of a partner in crime. She's looking for a partner in crime right now. As you become more worried, she will become more resentful.

Since you used to party a bit yourself. Remember any "older" girls weathered pretty hard by drug use still hanging out with kids a bit younger than them? All that partying wears people down. Some see it early and break away and become true adults. Others get stuck in perpetual childhood and become a joke to everyone.

It's impossible to predict which road she will go down, but for your own sanity, you may want to think about how well this girl really fits into a mature healthy life.

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Inertia,

I agree with you that her addiction isn't to any particular drug. It's to a way of escaping. Her behavior when she's lit says it's deeper than lifestyle. She's got some chemistry going on.

LJDK has quite a project on his hands. If he can become an adult, maybe she will be inspired. Longshot but possible.

Tao

Quote:

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Now we are still smoking a joint every now and then.

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What a mixed signal you send, and how very pompous of you to choose her drug of choice for her. Your both at different stages in your life, and if you want to tell someone its not okay to do drugs, you must lead by example. Not merely tolerate what's okay with you.

You had your thing, that you have overcome, and grown to be responsible within in the limits you set for yourself, but don't expect the same for her, as that just ain't fair.

We all have our own timetable, and the way we process things, so lighten up and enjoy the journey, or quit! Don't try to control, but teach, and guide if your about being better and happy.

The good thing is, I think you see that, and are trying.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't try to control, but teach, and guide if your about being better and happy.

[/B]

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If you can pull this off, more power to you. I had become controlling in this respect. I didn't mean to be, but my patience reached its limit. Like I said, tough spot.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LJDK

Hi.

Me and my Fiance have a great relationship. We talk openly, enjoy each others company and do small things to make each other feel special. What i am scared about is i am having doubts about our compatibility regardless if things are going great or not.

There are differences in our preferred lifestyle.

Me : Loves hiking. Would rather explore new caves than go clubbing. Staying home and watching a movie or cook.

Her : Loves clubbing, visiting friends and not stay at home. She does enjoy it once in a while, watching a movie or cook with me.

But this is what is scaring me. We are doing more of what i want to do, and less of what she wants to do. We do go hiking together, and we do go clubbing together. The problem is, when we do go clubbing, i spend my time at the bar, drinking the night away. She spends her time on the dance floor so we see each other on such a night about 5 minutes maybe.

I simply have no desire to dance. Never had. Kind of a metal person. Truth be told, the clubs we go to irritate the living hell out of me. But i hold my pose well. The point is, i just started the process of telling her we are doing this and this, which is what i know she likes and wants because i started feeling guilty that we do too much what i want to do.

The other problem is, in my past i use to do a lot of LSD, some KAT and lots of pot. When we met, she was using KAT and pot. I was clean for a month or two, only smoking a joint in the past 5 years and no other substances.

I knew i had to say no, but i lit one up with her, and now we are still smoking a joint every now and then. I feel i have had a positive effect on her life, as she use to smoke daily, and since she met me, she only does it once or twice a week. As for the KAT, i told her one night that it has to stop. It was making her emotional beyond which is normal. It always completely takes away her sex drive for days on end and creates great over reactions for minor misunderstandings.

She tried to quit, and did for a month or two, then she started seeing her old friends again. So it started all over again. But she kept it from me, but i soon confronted her telling her all the signs are back. So she confessed. This broke my trust. I am trying to support her through this, but another month or two passed then it spoiled an entire romantic evening. She kept it from me again, and i made an entire romantic evening for us. Instead of being happy she started crying and then confessed she used it again. On a guilt trip the entire evening was a mess. I did not get mad, i only told her i do not like it and i want it out of her life because of this. Guilt trips, emotional outbursts etc.

So i am confused. She told me she will outgrow it, which in turn i said is BS, because you do not simply outgrow addictions. She refuses it is an addiction and says it is an escape and she needs it. Like i said before, i have experimented with a lot of things in my life, and simply do not understand how this crap can be addictive. It makes you talkative, and that is about all. ok So maybe a small buzz. Who cares.

I don't know. I love this girl with all my heart, she is very loving and caring towards me as well, but the moment she uses that stuff, she no longer has time of day for me. Then its a cycle of 5 day emotional regret and guilt, she gets irritated at me for no reason, snaps at me etc. I am trying my best to not let it get to me. I keep telling myself i can get us through this. I can get her through this. But its getting harder and harder, and i am struggling to trust her in any sense at the moment for the simple fact that she withheld this from me. I now feel if she could have withheld this, how easy would it be to with hold flings etc.

I really want to make this work between us. I try my best. I always want to talk things out, but she usually has an enormous fit, starts yelling she is not in the mood to talk, she is tired etc. So at the end of the day i sit there tell her whats on my mind and never get any feedback from her. OK lets say i do once in a while. But no more than 20% of the time.

I want to make this work with her, and i keep telling myself she will reach a point where she will be more open towards me. But i have doubts. lol

I tell myself it is due to her previous relationships where she had abusive boyfriends who manipulated her, abused her etc. Her mother told me she has never has a decent boyfriend in her life. So i don't know.

Truth is i still have a lot of energy and willingness to go on trying. But i am scared i will end up burned, tired and depleted of all energy. I just love her a lot and do not want to lose her over a stupid drug addiction. But the trust thing is harder now... i am always suspicious, and its driving me up the wall.

What do you people think.

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This sounds aweful coming from an advice site, but if I were you I'd ring someone like the Samaritans or Frank. Or, buy a book on addiction/drug use and read it. There will be things in there that you do already by instinct, and there will be things in there that you haven't thought of which will help no end. I did the same for my ex with a different issue. We still split because she wore me down then didn't realise how dead I was, and thought I didn't love her anymore - I was so down I wasn't sure either. Watch out for yourself, as well as her. If you burn, she'll hopefully be OK again by that point, and you need to make her realise that it's all OK - you just need her to be there for you for a bit and all will be fine. Tricky business are up's and down's, but navigate wisely and it's possible I reckon. Good luck.

Look around and try to find some things you both like that you haven't thought about doing.
There's more than clubbing and hiking. Maybe find a club that feels more comfortable to you.

I agree she may not be addicted to anything but using it as an excuse to do because she wants to. Tell her that if it isn't an addiction then it should be easier to stop and it would mean more to you than she can imagine.

You have to look at all the pros and cons as well as all your options and come up with something.

My wife is married to an alcoholic/addict. Yes, that was an admission. You see, my addiction didn't hit overdrive until I started having back problems, eventually surgery. All that did was give me validation for the drugs. I'm clean and sober today though, only through the love of a GREAT woman, GOD obviously, and detox, rehab, and AA/NA. The twelve steps are there for a reason, and they work. But, this isn't about me, I just wanted to give you my history so you'd know I have EXPERIENCE. Tears, pills, hangovers, throwing up in the bathroom at work, on,and on, and on, I could go with my EXPERIENCE, the one thing you can be sure of with an addiction is: they get worse, like a wildfire out of control, they need containment, and fast. YOU should try Alanon,or Naranon, it's for family members of alcoholics and addicts. There are meetings everywhere, it's free,and anonymous. My wife goes , and it's truly helped. Once she sees that you're going, it may open her eyes.

I had to look up "KAT", as I wasn't aware of what it was. Is it addictive? You can be addicted to chocolate... so... It's obviously posing a problem...

The most important thing is that SHE needs to understand that she has a problem. Only then, will things begin to get better. Good luck to you, and keep coming back. Send me a private message if you need some more answers.

Considering that she is your fiancée now, you both must have accepted each other's lifestyles already. I think it would be unfair to hope for any type of change at this point.

Thank you all for the inspiration and approval. Means a bunch.
Although I might be having second thoughts at times, I made up my mind. If she chooses the bad road, then so be it. But only when that is 100% certain can I quit.

She does see me as some sort of authority and I can see the resentment in her eyes. Mostly due to my controlling behaviors which only became evident now. I will try my best to just enjoy the ride. Overall this is something I have not been able to do in a while. Just go with the flow so to speak.

What I am trying to get her to understand is that it is not the drug itself that bothers me, but more the following days after use where I come 2nd to her next high, the mood swings and the constant tiredness when coming down.

Sorry to hear this Fuzzy. Funny you should say that you thought about not loving her anymore. I feel like that sometimes, until we have a huge fight then I realize I still do. :/

She is starting to realize and admit there is a problem which is a good thing. People change as they grow, so although it might be wrong of me to expect change, at least I am hoping for positive changes in lifestyle. I do not expect her to stop clubbing at all. That would just be wrong. But surely I can look forward to the day where we are both sober.

I told her last night I am stopping pot and everything. Will lead by example as suggested. Damn its hard growing up. Can hardly look after myself and now I tackle this. And just for the record, our communication is actually picking up. We are talking more openly than ever before which gives me comfort for what the future holds.

I compromised a lot this weekend. We actually went out Friday Saturday and Sunday. Can really do with sleep. I think it should become easier with time to enjoy her activities almost as much as I enjoy the quietness of the bush veld.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LJDK

thank you all for the inspiration and approval. Means a bunch.
Although i might be having second thoughts at times, i made up my mind. If she chooses the bad road, then so be it. But only when that is 100% certain can i quit.

That's a clear, courageous decision. You might declare it to her as a commitment that you will be there unless she tells you it's over, which she could do by choosing her habit over you.As I rote earlier, it will be hard for her to put you first, but there's a chance.

She does see me as some sort of authority and i can see the resentment in her eyes. Mostly due to my controlling behaviors which only became evident now. I will try my best to just enjoy the ride. Overall this is something i have not been able to do in a while. Just go with the flow so to speak.

This raises an important point. If you are to be a force for sobriety, you will need to set boundaries (limits) regarding acceptable behavior (how you treat each other), nights out clubbing (Yer not 18 no more, dude) amounts of drugs (your goal is near zero; hers has no shape yet), and consistently reinforce them. She will repeatedly test those boundaries and see you as both a pain in the butt for holding to them (the authorities) and a source of stability, comfort, and safety for being reliable with them. (a beacon)

At the same time,"going with the flow," which you state is not your greatest skill, is necessary. To lead the two of you toward addiction's exit door, you need to join with her first, mentally and emotionally, and then move yourself toward the door. You have already been doing both of those: joining with her and planning your separation from substance abuse. To the degree that she is attuned to you, she will follow. You will walk a fine line between pacing (moving in synch with her) and leading (changing the pattern). If you lose her, or when she relapses (not "if") your first action must be to go back to pacing. You can't pull her out of the pattern she is in by yanking on her from above, from some superior position, but you can move shoulder-to-shoulder as a gentle leader-follower pair. If she also makes the commitment, there will be times in which she might lead.

What i am trying to get her to understand is that it is not the drug itself that bothers me, but more the following days after use where i come 2nd to her next high, the mood swings and the constant tiredness when coming down.

Sorry to hear this Fuzzy. funny you should say that you thought about not loving her anymore. I feel like that sometimes, until we have a huge fight then i realize i still do. :/

She is starting to realize and admit there is a problem which is a good thing. People change as they grow, so although it might be wrong of me to expect change, at least i am hoping for positive changes in lifestyle. I do not expect her to stop clubbing at all. That would just be wrong. But surely i can look forward to the day where we are both sober.

I told her last night i am stopping pot and everything. Will lead by example as suggested. Damn its hard growing up. Can hardly look after myself and now i tackle this. And just for the record, our communication is actually picking up. We are talking more openly than ever before which gives me comfort for what the future holds.

I compromised a lot this weekend. We actually went out Friday Saturday and Sunday. Can really do with sleep. I think it should become easier with time to enjoy her activities almost as much as i enjoy the quietness of the bush veld.

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To traverse this terrain, you will need rest and nourishment. Some of that can come from a few of my favorite authors:

This blogger is a close friend of mine. Greg and I grew up together. We think alike:

Brodsky’s Better Being Blog

and

senseofbalance2002

If you are tense when you drive: tccdriving

This will tell you about love:

Amazon.com: A General Theory of Love (9780375709227): Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon: Books


Any book by this author will save you hundreds of hours spent in unnecessary anguish:

Amazon.com: Byron Katie: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle


You might be chronologically too young for this next book, but it will help you address what you are dealing with:

Amazon.com: Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up (9781592402076): James Hollis: Books


Both of you will benefit from Tolle's perspective:

Amazon.com: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61) (9780452289963): Eckhart Tolle: Books


The generosity of your heart will be reflected in this great book:

Amazon.com: The Gift: Imagination and the Erotic Life of Property (9780099273226): Lewis Hyde: Books

That's a lot to think about. You will need it and more. Yes, growing up is hard work. The alternative is a living hell in which your body matures, but your mind stays in the past, never finding the truth of your existence, never "getting it." Fortunately, you don't have to do that.

tao

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LJDK

thank you all for the inspiration and approval. Means a bunch.
Although i might be having second thoughts at times, i made up my mind. If she chooses the bad road, then so be it. But only when that is 100% certain can i quit.

She does see me as some sort of authority and i can see the resentment in her eyes. Mostly due to my controlling behaviors which only became evident now. I will try my best to just enjoy the ride. Overall this is something i have not been able to do in a while. Just go with the flow so to speak.

What i am trying to get her to understand is that it is not the drug itself that bothers me, but more the following days after use where i come 2nd to her next high, the mood swings and the constant tiredness when coming down.

Sorry to hear this Fuzzy. funny you should say that you thought about not loving her anymore. I feel like that sometimes, until we have a huge fight then i realize i still do. :/

She is starting to realize and admit there is a problem which is a good thing. People change as they grow, so although it might be wrong of me to expect change, at least i am hoping for positive changes in lifestyle. I do not expect her to stop clubbing at all. That would just be wrong. But surely i can look forward to the day where we are both sober.

I told her last night i am stopping pot and everything. Will lead by example as suggested. Damn its hard growing up. Can hardly look after myself and now i tackle this. And just for the record, our communication is actually picking up. We are talking more openly than ever before which gives me comfort for what the future holds.

I compromised a lot this weekend. We actually went out Friday Saturday and Sunday. Can really do with sleep. I think it should become easier with time to enjoy her activities almost as much as i enjoy the quietness of the bush veld.

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Hi LJDK, I'm so glad you've realised you still do! I didn't realise, which led to our breakup in the end. I'm really glad she's beginning to realise there's a problem. The important thing for you to do is to keep that problem in perspective, and in reasonable, manageable chunks in her mind. Be ready for her to flip out and become miserable because of how upset she's made you. Of course it may never happen, but it did to me. Just so you know. If she sees the full extent of the problem straight away, she may shy away and believe there is no solution but to leave you and stop causing you harm. Remind her why that's the worst thing if it ever happens.
Sorry that's quite long, and involves more of my experiences than yours. But, hopefully it'll help. Of course she may well see the whole problem and deal with it instantly - all people are different.
All the best.

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Originally Posted by taoplr

To traverse this terrain, you will need rest and nourishment. Some of that can come from a few of my favorite authors:

This blogger is a close friend of mine. Greg and I grew up together. We think alike:

Brodsky’s Better Being Blog

and

senseofbalance2002

If you are tense when you drive: tccdriving

This will tell you about love:

Amazon.com: A General Theory of Love (9780375709227): Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon: Books


Any book by this author will save you hundreds of hours spent in unnecessary anguish:

Amazon.com: Byron Katie: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle


You might be chronologically too young for this next book, but it will help you address what you are dealing with:

Amazon.com: Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up (9781592402076): James Hollis: Books


Both of you will benefit from Tolle's perspective:

Amazon.com: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61) (9780452289963): Eckhart Tolle: Books


The generosity of your heart will be reflected in this great book:

Amazon.com: The Gift: Imagination and the Erotic Life of Property (9780099273226): Lewis Hyde: Books

That's a lot to think about. You will need it and more. Yes, growing up is hard work. The alternative is a living hell in which your body matures, but your mind stays in the past, never finding the truth of your existence, never "getting it." Fortunately, you don't have to do that.

tao

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Wow, I learnt a lot there too! Most of it I knew, from my own thoughts. However, in the heat of things it's easy for one's own thoughts to go astray. I did the emotional link thing with ease, but didn't set boundaries - just clearly stated how upset her negative behaviours were making me. She kept getting through eventually, but there were always more hoops to jump through, and eventually it broke down. I wasn't strong enough to pull through and enjoy the ride at the end (I'd slipped a lot).

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR LIFE FOR HER. You won't anyway, but just to be sure. Hiking and the like are your life, and you must live it at all times, no matter her needs. That's how I lost out. Good luck.

Thank you all again for the great advise and input. Also those references are great.

I just got off the phone with my fiance; she said she wants to go to her buddy quick. I asked her if it because she wants to make a line again. She said yes. I am kind of furious at this moment considering she wanted to blow off dinner with my parents for her habit. I do not understand considering it has been more than a month now since she used, and now all of a sudden it has become an issue again. But after I told her, you know what... do it, she then changed her mind.

I told her a few nights ago I believe she is only trying to escape dealing with her emotions. She then burst into tears and agreed with me and told me she hates dealing with her emotions.

I really do want to stick this out and ride out the rough oceans, but I am on my emotional downer at this point in time and I really do not feel like I have the energy to continue. I feel burned out. Constantly compromising etc.

What also gets to me, is that the last few days she was extremely irritable, snapping at me constantly which made me believe she is using again. Perhaps I should assume less. I just do not know how to go forward now considering she already told me she wants to, and I assume she most likely did use again.

Now I am super irritated, and knowing myself I cannot act like all is fine and dandy. It is hard trying to act like I do not care in order to prevent arguments or prevent her from feeling comfortable enough to tell me in the future. Sigh.

What caused my emotional downer is she told me last night I am a bore. So I asked her if she thinks we will work out, she replied yes and asked me the same thing. I said no I have doubts considering I am a bore and she is a party animal.

She is furious... but hell, I have the tendency to be brutally honest. Perhaps this is what spurred her sudden interest in using again. I do not know. All I know is despite my previous enthusiasm, I am losing all my energy on this. This was mostly a rant. Kind of feel better, all that is left to do know... is go for a run. Great stress reliever.

Her being furious is again HER putting her first.

A toxic relationship will suck the life out of you because you constantly give in and lose a good part of YOU. You end up giving over your personality, your needs, your wants, your desires, until you are spiralled down to no self image or self worth.
No matter how much you want a relationship when it means your sacrificing YOU you do not need it. You NEED OUT.
Then you can rebuild yourself.
Then you will come to look back and wonder how you made it through what you did

Good luck. I suggest she tries therapy and maybe rehab. All drugs are addictive. Take care.

Do yourself a big favor an educate yourself as to what a person suffering from addiction is all about. Alanon is a great place for that education. You need facts to get understanding, and obviously you don't have the facts. Google Alanon.

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Originally Posted by LJDK

Thank you all again for the great advise and input. Also those references are great.

I just got off the phone with my fiance; she said she wants to go to her buddy quick. I asked her if it because she wants to make a line again. She said yes. I am kind of furious at this moment considering she wanted to blow off dinner with my parents for her habit.I do not understand considering it has been more than a month now since she used, and now all of a sudden it has become an issue again. But after i told her, you know what... go ahead and do it, she then changed her mind.

This says that you don't understand what's going on in her. She will blow off everything for her habit. EVERYTHING. She has no choice at this point, at least from her perspective.

A month without using is a start. After 18-24 months one might start to expect her to stay clean.

And, why in the world would you tell her to go ahead and do it? Sarcasm doesn't work in this situation. You have no chance of helping her unless your position is clear, consistent, and on message: You Want Her To Stop.

I told her a few nights ago i believe she is only trying to escape dealing with her emotions. She then burst into tears and agreed with me and told me she hates dealing with her emotions.

That's a big piece of all this: she can't cope emotionally. You can't teach her that and you can't take that away from her. She has to learn, and she has to do that clean.

I really do want to stick this out and ride out the rough oceans, but i am on my emotional downer at this point in time and i really do not feel like i have the energy to continue. I feel burned out. Constantly compromising etc.

What also gets to me, is that the last few days she was extremely irritable, snapping at me constantly which made me believe she is using again. Perhaps i should assume less. I just do not know how to go forward now considering she already told me she wants to, and i assume she most likely did use again.

Now i am super irritated, and knowing myself i cannot act like all is fine and dandy. It is hard trying to act like i do not care in order to prevent arguments or prevent her from feeling comfortable enough to tell me in the future. Sigh.

What caused my emotional downer is she told me last night i am a bore. So i asked her if she thinks we will work out, she replied yes and asked me the same thing. I said no i have doubts considering i am a bore and she is a party animal.

She is furious... but hell, i have the tendency to be brutally honest. Perhaps this is what spurred her sudden interest in using again. I do not know. All i know is despite my previous enthusiasm, i am losing all my energy on this. This was mostly a rant. Kind of feel better, all that is left to do know... is go for a run. Great stress reliever.

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You know where this is heading. She will crap on you whenever she feels like it, using or not. You will be boring unless you are distracting her from who she is. Stay in this relationship and you're screwed. She will suck you dry like a vampire, without even trying. It's no effort for her, because you are doing most of it yourself.

You have bitten off more than you can chew.You can't save her, period. Get out and tell her why.


Tao

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Originally Posted by LJDK

Thank you all again for the great advise and input. Also those references are great.

I just got off the phone with my fiance; she said she wants to go to her buddy quick. I asked her if it because she wants to make a line again. She said yes. I am kind of furious at this moment considering she wanted to blow off dinner with my parents for her habit. I do not understand considering it has been more than a month now since she used, and now all of a sudden it has become an issue again. But after i told her, you know what... go ahead and do it, she then changed her mind.

I told her a few nights ago i believe she is only trying to escape dealing with her emotions. She then burst into tears and agreed with me and told me she hates dealing with her emotions.

I really do want to stick this out and ride out the rough oceans, but i am on my emotional downer at this point in time and i really do not feel like i have the energy to continue. I feel burned out. Constantly compromising etc.

What also gets to me, is that the last few days she was extremely irritable, snapping at me constantly which made me believe she is using again. Perhaps i should assume less. I just do not know how to go forward now considering she already told me she wants to, and i assume she most likely did use again.

Now i am super irritated, and knowing myself i cannot act like all is fine and dandy. It is hard trying to act like i do not care in order to prevent arguments or prevent her from feeling comfortable enough to tell me in the future. Sigh.

What caused my emotional downer is she told me last night i am a bore. So i asked her if she thinks we will work out, she replied yes and asked me the same thing. I said no i have doubts considering i am a bore and she is a party animal.

She is furious... but hell, i have the tendency to be brutally honest. Perhaps this is what spurred her sudden interest in using again. I do not know. All i know is despite my previous enthusiasm, i am losing all my energy on this. This was mostly a rant. Kind of feel better, all that is left to do know... is go for a run. Great stress reliever.

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Listen to me. Please. A relationship cannot be built on this. Not straight off: she must realise who she is, without the drugs. My ex's problem was computer games. You will find yourself in doubts about her, whether you love her etc. This will tear her to pieces if she finds out, but it will be honest at least. Unless you can see through (find the strength).
Ideal situation: you helped her see what she wants. Now you have to help her believe there is a way to get it. At the moment, she doesn't - not really: after a month nothing much changed (it's not long enough to realise anything's different after a long time in a habit).
So, a downer you will be on (I was too).
Next: when she knows what she wants and that she has the power to get it (and has begun to have hope because of things she's initiated herself), you must leave her alone to get it. That way, she will become herself and you will become yourself (post-downer), and once it's blown over you should meet again and fall in love proper.
After habits come beauty hardly ever seen in this world: they've learnt life's most valuable lessons the hard way.

Best of luck.

As much as I do want to get out I can't. I am scared I am using this addiction as an excuse to bail for fear of commitment.

She did use again last night and I joined in so she would not feel alone and so that I do not look like an authority. She threw away the rest after 1st use and said she let herself down. So there is still hope.

I think my depleted energy levels are mostly from work, then I blame my frustrations on the relationship. But there are things that I am not 100% comfortable with. For instance, the last few days / week she has been very irritable, snapping at me etc.

We hardly talk anymore. It's like we have nothing to say to each other. I am scared we are drifting apart. Then I took her caving last night now we talk again a bit more. But I phoned her earlier and then again, we have nothing to say to each other. I do not know why this is happening. But it is usually one sided conversations.

She tries to initiate it one day, then I give 1 word answers killing the conversation, and then other days its vs. I don't know if perhaps I am feeling we are drifting apart because I am emotionally distancing myself from her. I do not do this on purpose, it is just when she goes into her silent irritable mode, I automatically pull away.

Perhaps I assume too much, but I have always been a firm believer I can sense others emotions. In fact I have been told my entire life I am "sensitive" to others emotions. And I cannot help but feel there is something wrong between us. Like she is holding something against me. I asked her what is is but she denies it.

Or is it normal that couples goes through a dip where there is not much conversation going on? She tells me it is comfortable silence. I do not feel comfortable if it lasts a week.

Joining in so she doesn't feel left out?
How do you expect to get anywhere positive with excuses like that?

That is as bad as me saying that I don't want my kids feeling bad so I will join in in cussing the neighbor kids out.

You need to get a good perspective and a good grasp on exactly how you need to go about bringing about changes. Joining in in the problem will never solve anything.

I have to become her partner in crime again, and lead her out. It's the only logical option. Either that or I must tell her it is over.

I can't sit back and keep telling her no, because it only hurts me. Thus the only solution is to not make it an issue until she gets over it, or I must break this off and explain to her I need stability and someone who knows what they want in life.

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Originally Posted by LJDK

I have to become her partner in crime again, and lead her out. Its the only logical option.

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So you become her partner in crime then she gets over her addiction and you end up hooked and then she dumps you.

Please seek help you can't handle this alone.

Perhaps you are correct. Perhaps I should get help. Damn I hate it when things go south. But that is life... can't be moonshine and roses all the time.

Better South than in oblivion!
Get help for both of you

Good luck.you can do it.

Hey. There is an answer, you just have to be strong enough to leave. She now wants something from life, and she doesn't yet have *quite* the means to get it herself. You can instill those means with the last essence of yourself. It will then take time and effort to keep yourself alive and kicking, but you can do it.
This is not an excuse: it is method, and it can work.
You pull away rightly: it's a signal that it's time for you both to live your own lives, and remember how wonderful you are as individuals. A relationship can come once you both have that from within yourselves - it will never happen if you stay together. This happened to me as well, but I wasn't strong enough to leave. She believed I no longer loved her, and because I was in no fit state to argue (I half believed that myself), she left. This same path is what awaits you if you stay together now, most likely as far as I (and everyone else, by the seems of it) can see.
I forgot to mention last time: there is hope. Reason I say this: as soon as we'd split, I felt absolutely terrible. Everything went straight to sh*t and I died inside. I told her so, by writing on Livejournal (she knew my account, and we'd used it at times to communicate when verbal broke down); and by crying down the phone. That was the time she first reached out to me, and made everything better. I believe your lassy will do the same. You must prepare both of you for it, and realise the reason you are pulling away: subconscious things happen because they should happen - but if you realise that, you can often work out your subconscious' master plan ;)

Jesus you're similar to me. I was always sensitive to the emo's of others too! And, this started drifting away once I got to about your stage. I couldn't see through her anymore, like she was an open book to me and no one else. I also lost sight of my goals, and why I was doing it. Yet, I carried on for fear that leaving was weak, leaving was going to break her, and leaving would mean the end forever. It turned out to be the other way around. If I'd left her, we'd still have had the pick-me-up from her to me, and we'd probably be madly in love right now.

Remind her of where the keys to her life are, say you cannot develop as people without the drugs while you are together, and that that is the *only* reason you have to split. Also that you should keep in touch, especially when the chips start turning down. You can still pick each other up, but only when it's really needed - not everyday or every time.

I wish you the very best, and I think you've found someone seriously special. She doesn't realise how special she is yet (and it's not really one of those things you can be told - you have to find out for yourself), but when she does you'll instantly fall back in love with the person you first saw when you met her - and you might even be a bit more open to things like clubbing after!

Thx Fuzzy, that is quiet an insight. I told myself this was the last time. We are going through the constant tired, irritated and angry phase now due to her relapse. She said this is the last time, like she did the other times.

But I promised myself regardless of how much I love her, care for her and want her... if she relapses again then I will explain to her nicely that iti s obvious she is not ready to settle down or capable of dealing with her emotions.

I just reached that point where I can no longer tolerate it and resentment is starting to set in deep now. Which is never a good thing.

Thanks for all the advise everyone. I know what I have to do now. Now its just a waiting game. Maybe by some miracle this was truly her last time and we can start growing as individuals again. But for now, less focus on her, more on me. Selfish? Perhaps. But I tried my very best.

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I have to become her partner in crime again, and lead her out.

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Sorry guy, but your lack of knowledge is part of the problem, and has made you an enabler, and that does more harm than good.

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It's the only logical option. Either that or I must tell her it is over.

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The logical option is to get information, not enable her by using with her.

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Either that or i must tell her it is over.

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That's what I recommend, as your trying to do something you know nothing about. Better to leave, than send the mixed signals your sending, because you can't help without guidance.