I've been with my girlfriend for two years. We split up for about a month in our first year, because I just couldn't be with her anymore. I loved her but there were little differences between us that just got too much for me. She's a caring and kind hearted girl but I felt our relationship was one sided, I seemed to be doing all the leg work in our relationship. There were things I thought I'd forgiven her for but that still irked me deep inside. For example, I was in hospital for 5 days and because she didn't want to leave the people at work short staffed, she never came to see me, even though my ex-girlfriend did. She also told me soon after I left hospital that she worried I wouldn't be able to take care of her because I was always ill, which didn't really help. So we broke up but got back together because I still loved her and missed her.

Roll on year two. We broke up again at almost exactly the same time as the year before. This time it was because I felt she didn't respect me as a man, she was selfish and inconsiderate with money and I just didn't feel she loved me. Examples, got her a few things for Christmas that set me back a bit, because I've just finished university, and she was angry with me because I didn't buy her a Christmas card. Couldn't find a card with the right message so didn't get her one and I told her this but she wasn't having it. Felt a bit under-appreciated but just shoved it in a corner. Even though we make about the same and at times was too broke to pay she'd still make me pay for stuff as I'm the man. I skipped lunch at work so I could go see her early at her house. She was cooking food for her family but never offered me any and gave a packet of crisps and cheese and onion pasty. Then fell asleep on the couch leaving me to watch TV even though we hadn't seen each other that week. Didn't feel like she loved me, more the idea of me. The final straw was when she went on holiday with her mum, around Feb this year. I made efforts to call her every night but she never really spoke to me and was always gone after 2 minutes even though it was costing me a fortune just to phone her. So I broke up with her while she was on holiday.

She phoned my family and asked them to make me take her back, saying she'd changed. I still loved her, so I did. She seemed to be more loving and has really changed but other things are still the same. She still expects me to pay for everything even after I've just spent huge amounts on other things and her. We went on holiday which is normally a 50-50 thing but she never paid me her half and still expects to pay for other things. I don't think she's attracted to me sexually. And even the kisses are lukewarm. We went on holiday and had sex twice. In three days. I'm 25 and have a high sex drive but she just isn't interested. She never cuddles me unless I make a move and we really seem more like friends than people in love.

I do love her but I'm not happy. I'm a good looking guy and I'm a really nice person and I think she only wants to be with me because there are not that many decent guys around. I hate saying I love you these days as I don't think I'm being too truthful. I'm not the perfect guy and I know I have my faults too but I don't want to be with her anymore. The problem is her family loves me and her mum has already accepted me as a future son-in-law. She talks about us getting married and I'm sure I could endure it but I don't want to be enduring marriage, it's for the rest of my life right?

What do I do? I don't want to hurt her and I do love her but I just feel like we are not right for each other. I'm just not sure how to go on.

Thank you for reading my essay, please help.

Craig.

I can understand not wanting to leave work to visit you at the hospital because it is her job.

BUT in general she sounds like she looks at everything from a self centered perspective.

Anybody that I have ever known that was as self centered as she sounds can not be reasoned with.
People either deny their faults or they are so stuck in their habits and their personality that they can not make changes.
She wants you to bend over backwards for her but what about you!
You are letting your emotions of your time invested in her over rule the cons to being in this relationship. Of course you are going to have strong feelings for her because you HAVE been in a LTR with her. But break up means leaving, NC, getting over them, healing and MOVING ON. You are running back instead of working on the process to get over her.
She is self centered, its all about her, so she is NOT going to 'get it' you will continue in this cycle for years before you wake up and get out if you don't make a conscious effort to do so NOW.

You need to find somebody that truly LOVES YOU. Then you will be thankful you got out.
Quit wasting your time.

Sit her down. Tell her you do love her a lot. But...

Then proceed to tell her how you feel in a good and calm manner. Do not blame her at all. Rather focus on your faults etc.

If she does not open up after a day or two, then yes it is only coming from your side and you are doing all the work. Thus it will then be better to just move on.

Thanks a lot for the advice, N0help and LJDK. It makes sense and I think I know what I have to do. I just wish it didn't hurt, like there was some sort of break-up Morphine.

Thanks again.

Not being right for each other =years of misery

Wish you the best of luck. Take comfort in the fact that you will find someone better suited for you.

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Originally Posted by cdavison

I do love her but I'm not happy.

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I'm going to be honest. That line stood out to me. I think you know what you need to do, it's taking the next step that's the hardest.

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Originally Posted by cdavison

I do love her but I'm not happy. I'm a good looking guy and I'm a really nice person and I think she only wants to be with me because there are not that many decent guys around. I hate saying I love you these days as I don't think I'm being too truthful. I'm not the perfect guy and I know I have my faults too but I don't want to be with her anymore. The problem is her family loves me and her mum has already accepted me as a future son-in-law. She talks about us getting married and I'm sure I could endure it but I don't want to be enduring marriage, it's for the rest of my life right?

What do I do? I don't want to hurt her and I do love her but I just feel like we are not right for each other. I'm just not sure how to go on.

Thank you for reading my essay, please help.

Craig.

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Also you have to be true to yourself. Otherwise you are not only going to not love her but over time you will come to resent even looking at her for being so self centered.

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Originally Posted by cdavison

She phoned my family and asked them to make me take her back, saying she'd changed. I still loved her, so I did. She seemed to be more loving and has really changed but other things are still the same. .

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This shows that not only is she all about herself but it also shows she is immature, manipulative and just plain does not get it. You do not involve family members to be a third party in your relationship problems. She may have been trying to lay a guilt trip on you and make you feel obligated to taking her back since it was your family she USED as a go between.

If your not happy then leave.

Your girlfriends sounds spoiled and doesn't compromise. She only cares about her needs and wants.

I don't care how short staffed her workplace was at the time you were in the hospital. She could have made time to see you. She didn't work 24 hours. Her compassion for you is shameful.

You need to start putting yourself first instead of her because you can rely on her. A realationship should never feel onesided. You do everything in your power to make her happy but she doesn't do the same for you. Instead she makes you feel down and out--not good.

It doesn't seems like nothing changed from the first break-up a year ago and she will never change. I don't even think talking to her about your feelings will change anything because she is already set in her ways.

A relationship is suppose to be fun with it up and downs but this relationship just seems like hard work without getting a paycheck--not good. A relationship isn't base on how much money you should spend on her or about what gifts you can provide her with because your not her personal bank account. You shouldn't feel pressure the way you do.

The two of you are different and the two of you are like oil and water--you won't mix. Go out and find your happiness with someone else who would appreicate you and not after your what is in your wallet. You deserve it! All females aren't like her.

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Originally Posted by cdavison

She was cooking food for her family but never offered me any and gave a packet of crisps and cheese and onion pasty.

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I'm sorry, but that did make me laugh :P

At the end of the day, she doesn't seem to appreciate what she has. You pay for most things, make the effort, and really put thought into things. We're similar in regard to the card thing; I really don't see the point in spending £5 on a piece of card that doesn't express how I really feel, and yet buying a £1 card is seen as "thrifty" and cheap, no matter how much money you've spent, and how much thought you've put into the presents.

The ill thing strikes a chord with me too. She felt that she couldn't stand by me the times that I was ill, as she wasn't my wife "or anything like that". Talk about a blow.

The lukewarm kisses and general lack of affection sound like a bit of a red flag to me. She sounds spoilt & manipulative, and unfortunately it doesn't seem as if she's willing to change. The only way that she can probably change is through herself, and it does appear that nothing you do will change that.

The fact that you know that you're not right for each other should tell you something.

It doesn't seem like she loves you the way you love her. She loves you in a self-centered, needy, free-loading way. You love her because you think she deserves a decent guy.
If you don't have the guts to break up with her, the next time she breaks up with you, don't take her back.

Threads merged

Me and my ex broke up. We saw each other two weeks later and we sort of decided to get back together as we still loved each other. I knew we couldn't be together as even though I loved her, we just weren't right for each other so we took some time apart, to decide what the way forward was. I found someone else, or a girl I liked, during this period.

When my ex asks me if I found someone during our break, or if I like someone else, what do I say?

If she is your ex ,its nothing to do with her.

If you are still together its really up to you if you should tell her,she will be hurt,but really your decision.

Should you question your honesty with her if your still together?

Your post was not clear if you were together or not.

If your not together,you have your own life now,and do not have to inform her of your romantic choices.

Okay first off if you loved each other you wouldn't have had a break, and you would not have found someone else. And you should be honest with her, and tell her that you are now interested in someone else, instead of just leading her along. Its unfair for her to think you still like her when you are interested in someone else.

I also wonder: are you together now, or are you broke up ? My impression from your post is that you're still on a break...

If you are broken up and she is indeed your x then this is none of her business.

if you are on a break and haven't really broken up (and made it final), then I would break up with her...

Tell her. Whether you're together or not. If she asks then tell her the truth. If she's mad never mind it's not like you cheated on her as you weren't together and if you're together well honesty is the best policy in relationships and in general tbh.

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Originally Posted by cdavison

When my ex asks me if I found someone during our break, or if I like someone else, what do I say?

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The first girl isn't an "ex" and neither are you until both of you know the relationship is over.

You need to make things final with one girl before moving on to the next. It almost sounds like you want to keep the first girl on hold in case the new one doesn't work out. Never a good idea.

Do you really want her to hear from a third party that you have "moved on"? If you thought the relationship was a possibility would you want to hear from her new boyfriend that she "moved on" without telling you?

You should tell the truth, but only if you believe it yourself. The fact that you broke up, and then got back together, and then broke up again sends a very clear message that you aren't sure what you want.

My boyfriend apparently thought he was on a break from his girlfriend when he met me, but she didn't think so. She thought I was just the "fling" and that they could work things out. I've realized that women have a desperate way of holding on to men longer than they should.

I think you've found someone you "like", but who really knows if it's going to work out. Maybe your ex found someone she "likes" but if it doesn't work out, you two can get back together for a bit again.

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when my ex asks me if I found someone during our break, or if I like someone else, what do I say?

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The truth!!!!!!!!!

Thank you, everyone. I told the truth and we are out of each other's lives now.

Relationships!

The truth shall set you free..

Could I just clarify your original question..

Were you in the relationship when you told her?

Or were you already broken up but still on speaking terms?

We had broken up but were on speaking terms. To be honest it felt like a grey area. She'd said I could see other women and even sleep with them but it still felt like she was still hoping we would still get together once I'd gotten that out of my system.

Do you think you did the right thing for you?

You were both in no mans land.

Time to pick up your life and get going.

I think in the long run it's the right decision. I just didn't think it would hurt even a little but it still does.

The end of a relationship is always hard,start no contact,give yourself a chance to heal.

The stickies at the start of the relationship thread have great stories of love loss hurt no contact and redemption.

Threads merged

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. Things hadn't been good for a long time and I was unhappy. After we broke up, I went back to her and told her I did love her and wanted her back but needed to sort out my head as I was confused and wasn't sure what I wanted. She told me to take the time out and see what I really wanted and to venture with other women if that's what I wanted to do, because she was scared of being hurt again and she wanted me to be sure I knew what I wanted.

I met a girl during the time apart, who I went on a few dates with, spoke with constantly and kissed. I really liked this girl and when I spoke to my girlfriend during the break, I told her I had sort of been seeing someone and she told me to have a good life and that she wished me the best. The problem now is, I miss her dreadfully. I've told the other girl that though she's lovely and probably everything I would want in a girl, I still miss my ex and need time. The other girl has been very understanding and she told me to take the time out if I need it but that she isn't going to wait forever, which I can understand.

The gist of my question is, I love my ex-girlfriend but we weren't right or happy for so long. I miss her so much and it hurts. Should I go back and we can try and work through our problems? Start afresh? Does that ever work? Also, I got hurt in that relationship I've realised I've become so sceptical about love. I've got this whole mistrust/expectation of doom going on. And what do I with the new girl? She's awesome but am I really ready for such a step?

I think you should back away from both girls...

Your on an emotional hurting spree,including yourself.

Stop.

Be on your own.

Stop wreaking your head and the two girls as well.

Focus on yourself,mature as a man and then think about a relationship.

Thanks. I think I'm just confused right now. At times I think I'm fine. Then at others, things are less clear.

You broke up with your girlfriend because you needed to clear your head,but just jumped back into the fire with someone else,half forming a relationship and an attachment..

Go back to your orignal idea,and take the time.

Work on yourself this time.

Do what you set out to do,perhaps you will get the head clearence you desire.

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Originally Posted by cdavison

Thanks. I think I'm just confused right now. At times I think I'm fine. Then at others, things are less clear.

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These kinds of thoughts are the exact reason why you need to be on your own and work on yourself. Until you've given yourself enough time to heal from the break up, you shouldn't ben worrying about "what if's" or "is it possible that". Just focus on the healing process first.

I've never been the type to be hung up over a girl which is why this is new territory I guess. I normally heal very quickly. If something doesn't work, I cut my losses and sort of move on knowing I tried my best. But with my ex, she's still in my head.

My sister suggested I wrote a list about why I would go back to her and why I wouldn't, realised going back would be a mistake. But it's the fact that I have these moments that I just don't get. Shouldn't it be black and white? I miss her but KNOW I shouldn't go back, not these doubts that creep up on me. I guess I must have loved her and probably, at some level, still do but know I shouldn't be with her.

The other girl, I think, I've met at the wrong time. She's everything I would want in a girl but I'm not everything I'd want to be in a relationship. I just don't feel like me...

You say you just don't feel like yourself-I think you need some time to figure out who you are.
After a breakup its only normal to feel sadness and loss even if the relationship was not too great.I don't think it's a great idea to not allow ourselves to grieve the end of a part of our life.
Be good to you-look after you and wait for quite some time before becoming emotionally involved again.

You need lots of time alone. Right now you are hurting your ex, your new girlfriend and most importantly yourself. You need to break it off with the ex and the girlfriend and explain to them in a thoughtful manner that you need some time alone.

The reason for having time alone is to appreciate yourself and you will much clearer for what you want in the future. Don't stay with any of them by telling yourself you're not going to find someone else, there is plenty of fish out there.

It's natural to miss someone after a breakup. It doesn't mean you belong together. If you really wanted to be with her you wouldn't have needed to be on a break to begin with. Couples that are committed to each other work through things, they don't walk way, in my opinion anyway.

I agree with the others. You don't belong in a relationship right now. The new girl would just be the rebound. Take some time for you to figure things out.

I think you're feeling sentimental for your ex. This is normal but it doesn't necessarily mean that you want to be with her again. This is what happens before you actually decide if you want to end it for good or go back (you're jittery). Because of this, I would suggest that you make the decision after you weather the storm of emotions you're being pounded by.

It's the rare couple (extremely rare, actually) that can get back together, start fresh and move forward without the same problems as before. I personally have never got back with an ex but from what I have seen from a few close friends who have done so, nothing really changes except the expectations that each party now have for their partners bahaviour. People don't really change (and if they do, the process takes a longer time than both parties are willing to endure). You can't change your personality towards a person by being away from them (especially in a romantic relation). This is something you need to do while you're around each other so you can go through the growing pains of change. This doesn't happen during time apart. This is why I think getting back with an ex doesn't work.

You said that this new girl would be good for you but the timing was off. Explain this to her and see what she says. I think the new girl or the quest for a new girl would be best. I wouldn't go back to your ex because of feelings of familiarity and comfort because it will bite you in the a-- eventually. You said that you weren't willing to take the step with the new girl but you are considering to take that step with your ex (again). This is why I feel you're going back for feelings of familiarity and sentimentality. Once you're in the mindset of the single man and can think clearly about what you want and expect your thoughts will be much more understandable and you'll be ready to take all the necessary steps in whatever relationship you do decide to pursue.

Wow! Thank you so much. This feels exactly like what I'm going through. I guess I do need to weather the emotional storm and then decide in the calm. That was awesome advice.

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Originally Posted by cdavison

Wow! Thank you so much. This feels exactly like what I'm going through. I guess I do need to weather the emotional storm and then decide in the calm. That was awesome advice.

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The only advice I can add to all of this is to remember that all of this will still be here any time you need to review it.

Any updates will get you more and probably clearer advice.

As you are finding out, jumping from one female to another is a disaster (and no fun at all).

You can't skip the healing process, and expect another to just fill the hole in your soul. It doesn't work that way, and its not realistic.

Get over the ex, and then I'll bet you don't even want her back. Then you will be ready to explore your other options, and opportunities, that life will present.

Only after you heal can you see the possibilities in another relationship, without the ex haunting your thoughts, and clouding your judgment.

Cdavison I'm going through the same thing as you are. My girlfriend of 2 and half years cheated on me with a married man and still told me she wanted things to work out. I looked back and it seemed like I was doing most of the work in the relationship and there were so many times I wanted out and I was stressed out of my mind with her and trying to please a self centered girl. It was almost impossible to deal with. Yes there are tiny moments where they do give you some happiness but when I look back most of it was me being stressed in trying to please her crazy ways. Now I'm a week in to NC and it has done wonders for me. Yes I still am curious about her and thinking about her but my outlook in life is much more different than the week after we broke up. It's a slow but sure process and I do believe time off being alone can help.