Hey, Newbie here,

Ill try to keep this short...

Met in high school, both lost virginity together. We are both 24. Our relationship was rocky near the end. We fought a lot over small things. Was my first real relationship so maybe I didn't know how to deal with problems well. We were always faithful and we loved each other more than anything... Her love grew faster then mine, but I knew I still loved her. We both wanted a future together.

We were both stubborn and always wanted our way. Our last argument was stupid but blew up big time. I ignored her while she was crying because I was dealing with my own feelings.

She decided we had enough and wanted to break up for good. For the next 1.5 months I desperately tried to talk her out of it. I suddenly stopped (used NC) because she was saying hurtful things purposely to push me away. I felt like dying. 3.5 months in, she texts me "I miss you" at 3am. Week later I respond and said "dont drunk dial me please, It hurts." We talk for abit and she says that she misses me but still think that we should continue separated. I said "don't contact me unless you know you want to be with me." Back to NC...

I was a complete wreck up until about 4.5 months into it (mainly because my birthday, valentines day and our anniversary was not spent with her). I have not been with anyone else, just single and adjusting with friends. Then at 6 months mark (yesterday), she tells me she made a huge mistake letting me go. She wants me back but tells me that she was in a rebound relationship while we were apart. She had sex with another guy. I was shocked more than mad. She promises me that she will never let me go again and that she has learned a lot about herself. She WANTS to marry me and start a family with me, but the fact that I know that she slept with another dude is really clouding my judgment. Its hard right now to forgive her because its so fresh.

What should I do? I still love her but don't trust her right now. What I have waited for for so long has finally come, but with baggage. Should I go explore with someone else before I commit to her again so I don't regret it later in life? I don't know what to do... she is basically waiting for my answer now... Opinions/questions/answers please...

Thanks for reading...

You're both 24, and it was your first real relationship. You broke up because things weren't going well. It's been 6 months and you've survived being separated from her - it didn't kill you and in fact, you were getting better.

Then, bang! Her rebound relationship didn't work out and she wants you back. Not only does she want you back but she wants to do happy families and babies with you.

I'd give it a miss if I were you. You're still young and have so much to do and see, so many more people to meet. Yea, it's great that she's come crawling back, but hey, do you really want to do the marriage and babies thing right now? I mean, you have a choice!

You haven't really known anyone else but her - I suggest that you'll be a lot happier and better equipped to handle any future marriage and children if you get some life experience now. Otherwise, you'll always be wondering what else is out there.

Thanks for your input.

I totally agree that maybe I should see other people and see what happens. I'm so conflicted because I honestly do love her. I think I just need some meaningless sex to get it out of my system before I commit to her again. Does that sound horrible? I don't know anymore...

Thanks.

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Originally Posted by speedy009

Thanks for your input.

I totally agree that maybe I should see other people and see what happens. I'm so conflicted because I honestly do love her. I think I just need some meaningless sex to get it out of my system before I commit to her again. Does that sound horrible? I dunno anymore...

thanks.

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I wouldn't go for the meaningless/revenge sex, honestly, that's all it is. Go out and get a life. You've been with her for 8 years and you have nothing else to compare with - how can you make a decision, even about love?

She dumped your @ss, said hurtful things to you when you tried to get close to her, picked up a rebound and slept with this guy, and is now running back to you because the rebound (like all rebounds) didn't work out for her...

You want to go back to that?


First of all, you cannot drop a relationship and quickly pick up another. Look at what happened to her and now she's running back to her comfort zone and the place where she knows whe will be and feel welcome. Do not give her that luxury. She just got out of a relationship and is headed straight for you, to void the heartache and pain of being alone.

I'd say to continue NC and give yourself time to cope, even though it's been 6 months, her trying to come back into your life is a bit of a shock. Even if you are ready, she is not. She is an emotional wreck right now and it will only hurt you in time.

Why would you want to go back? Sure she was your first piece of tail, but come on, no one deserves to be treated like that. She is playing a game, and playing it very well.

Also, don't go have meaningless sex, it really isn't an attractive trait to know someone has been running around like a rabbit

Will you ever be able to trust her again? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering whether she will run away from you again? Will you be able to forget all you have bee through and go back to how things were before? I mean she really has shown you a side of her character that you probably never thought you would see.

What if her next rebound actually suits her and doesn't want to come back to you? What happens then? The first time round it came out of nowhere and you were not prepared but if this happens again then you won't just have her to blame but yourself as well. Im just saying you need to think about all this carefully before deciding. Good luck!

Meaningless sex is not the answer. It only helps briefly and leaves you with all sorts of worry and questions if things "go wrong". Also, I don't know about you, but I felt like a jerk afterward when I did that. So... :o

After experiencing that, I'd rather have no sex at all than meanigless sex with someone I don't know. There is too much to worry about with all of that. That is the last thing you need!

Thanks for your posts everyone.

Im am getting conflicting answers from another forum. Other people are saying to just forgive her if you really love her. But everyone here seems to say forget her...

Im so damn confused... Im just going to take my time and see what happens...

Oh and another thing. During the rebound she said all that she could think about was me. She honestly did try to move on but deep down inside it didn't feel right to her. That she really was still in love with me. The guy was "perfect" she says, but she wanted me...

She is not the type to lie at all... so I don't know... :(

I think since you are still confused and you are conflicted, that you need to take more time to yourself before any decision can be made. You need to have a clear head and heart before you decide whether you want to get back together with her.

And my opinion is that most people who post on this forum have terrific insight and give the best advice out there. In the end it is your decision on what you will do, but we can only make you THINK.

I think your confusion speaks in volumes. Just because she wants you back doesn't mean anything... she still LEFT you to begin with! Like others have said, who's to say she won't do it again?

Take the time to yourself to find clarity... without her.

We practice tough love over on this forum.. LOL!

It's your choice whether to take her back or not. It's time to reflect back and view the relationship for what it really was and see if it is worth going for round 2 or not.

I will tell you one thing, 6 months is not enough time for a person to change. It takes a lot longer than that to "change". From what it looks like, her relationship with this guy didn't work. She is running back to you, because she knows you still love her.

You are playing second fiddle my man, because I guarantee, if her and this other guy worked out, she would be nearly as "wanting" of you as she seems to be now. It didn't work and she is scared to be alone. She needs to learn that with choices come trade offs and consequences.

I don't think enough time has passed for either of you to have learned anything about yourselves.

Don't be her security blanket, she needs to know what its like to live out in the cold... just like how she left you when she was on a fling with that other guy.

Take more time. Nothing has changed. You have not learned how to communicate better with each other. You will just do a repeat performance the next time another fight ensue between you both.

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Originally Posted by jmooney527

I think your confusion speaks in volumes. Just because she wants you back doesn't mean anything... she still LEFT you to begin with! Like others have said, who's to say she won't do it again?

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I totally understand why she left though. She didn't leave just to find another man. Its because we started having a lot of problems lately, and I couldn't be there for her emotionally. She also agrees that she wasn't perfect either...

What she did while you were apart is not really the main thing here. You speak of trust? Is that related to her having a relationship after you or that she may leave you again and behave the same way?

While her actions are not ideal post break-up it almost sounds as if she cheated on you, which she did not.

As for going out and having sex, that's really not going to do much of anything. Would you be doing it to get back at her? Again, it almost sounds as if you were suggesting you'd go out and do to her what you think she did to you. How doesthat make you any better than her (seeing as how you do not approve of what she did). Also, you both seem to think you'll be there when the other wants, her flip-flopping and you suggesting a fling before making a decision.

I know it must sting like heck to know she was with someone else, it would hurt anyone. However, she did what a lot of people do, if you see a future with her than that is your decision to try and make things work. It isnot a question of forgiveness, she really did not do anything that would require that.

Sit down and think about this long and hard. Focus on the real issue here, not what might makeyou happy in the short term. If you can get past her relationship with this other guy than perhaps this can go somewhere if your committed to fixing what caused the relationship to break down in the first place. If you can't get it out of your head, this problem you speak of now will be like a swedish massage compared to what you'll face in the future.

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Originally Posted by jmw0713

We practice tough love over on this forum..LOL!

It's your choice whether to take her back or not. It's time to reflect back and view the relationship for what it really was and see if it is worth going for round 2 or not.

I will tell you one thing, 6 months is not enough time for a person to change. It takes a lot longer than that to "change". From what it looks like, her relationship with this guy didn't work. She is running back to you, because she knows you still love her.

You are playing second fiddle my man, because I guarantee, if her and this other guy worked out, she would be nearly as "wanting" of you as she seems to be now. It didn't work and she is scared to be alone. She needs to learn that with choices come trade offs and consequences.

I don't think enough time has passed for either of you to have learned anything about yourselves.

Don't be her security blanket, she needs to know what its like to live out in the cold....just like how she left you when she was on a fling with that other guy.

Take more time. Nothing has changed. You have not learned how to communicate better with each other. You will just do a repeat performance the next time another fight ensue between you both.

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She says that this guy was sooooo "perfect" but she just couldn't commit to him because she was still in love with me... She is a really sweet person and anyone would be lucky to be with her...

I agree that maybe there hasn't been enough time apart to really change but I have never heard her say out loud that she will never leave me again... FRIGGG... relationships...

In a way I do want to leave her out in the cold but, I REALLY do love her, even if she is my first love...

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Originally Posted by BMI

What she did while you were apart is not really the main thing here. You speak of trust? Is that related to her having a relationship after you or that she may leave you again and behave the same way?

As for going out and having sex, that's really not going to do much of anything. Would you be doing it to get back at her? Again, it almost sounds as if you were suggesting you'd go out and do to her what you think she did to you. How doesthat make you any better than her (seeing as how you do not approve of what she did). Also, you both seem to think you'll be there when the other wants, her flip-flopping and you suggesting a fling before making a decision.

Sit down and think about this long and hard. Focus on the real issue here, not what might makeyou happy in the short term. If you can get past her relationship with this other guy than perhaps this can go somewhere if your comitted to fixing what caused the relationship to break down in the first place. If you can't get it out of your head, this problem you speak of now will be like a swedish massage compared to what you'll face in the future.

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Im just scared that when things get rough again, and there is a guarantee about that, nothing is perfect, that she might just run out again. That is the main thing. I will admit that we both tried to work on the relationship for a longtime and maybe she couldn't handle it enough.

The only reason why Im saying for meto go out and have sex or see what else is out there is because once I get back with this girl, that's it. We are going to be together forever, and I don't want to regret missing out on what I could have experienced since she got to experience life a little. She Is going back in the relationship with experience and Im just going back in with nothing really. I don't want to have to urge to cheat on her in the future... its sad I know, but I'm only human, and she did smash my heart...

First loves are always the hardest ones to let go of. I just got out of that myself not too long ago.

You will always remember her and love her. However, you cannot compromise you own self worth in order to attempt to get something back that will never be the same again.

Life works in strange ways. People come in to our lives, just as easily as they leave. Sometimes, people come back in our lives when everything has changed and you both are different people. That doesn't usually happen until good amount of time has passed. No matter how much time has passed, you always remember your first love. They had the biggest impact on your life... that is why it is SO difficult to let go.

It's tragic events like this where you actually grow, learn, and become the person you are.

You have gained a TON of experience and knowledge from this and in turn will learn to apply these things you learned in future relationships you will have with others.

That, my friend, is the hidden blessing we all receive when we experience our first heartbreak.

Sorry Speedy, but going out to have sex in order to get it out of your system or "get in" on what your missing is in stark contrast to saying you love this girl. Basically your saying I want to let loose a bit before I commit to the love of my life.

Also, even if you were able to go out and "get it", it's not something that goes by one and done. You'll be tempted in the future no matter what you do.

Women my friend, they do not stop looking great and driving us mad... EVER!!

Man, I went back to my first "love" so many times, after she cheated on me, would take "breaks" the same time we had breaks from school so she could hook up without any guilt and each time I thought "she changed" and "this is true love" not even close.

Of course she is going to tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear, why would she tell you this "I'm only back because this is familiar and when things get hard again I'm going to spread my legs for another bloke" when she wants to get back with you?

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Originally Posted by jmw0713

First loves are always the hardest ones to let go of. I just got out of that myself not too long ago.

You will always remember her and love her. However, you cannot compromise you own self worth in order to attempt to get something back that will never be the same again.

Life works in strange ways. People come in to our lives, just as easily as they leave. Sometimes, people come back in our lives when everything has changed and you both are different people. That doesn't usually happen until good amount of time has passed. No matter how much time has passed, you always remember your first love. They had the biggest impact on your life....that is why it is SO difficult to let go.

It's tragic events like this where you actually grow, learn, and become the person you are.

You have gained a TON of experience and knowledge from this and in turn will learn to apply these things you learned in future relationships you will have with others.

That, my friend, is the hidden blessing we all receive when we experience our first heartbreak.

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I agree with everything you said. I want to see if there is something better out there for me, even though I still love my ex... This is one decision that will affect the rest of my life so I'm very cautious with me actions right now...

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Originally Posted by BMI

Sorry Speedy, but going out to have sex in order to get it out of your system or "get in" on what your missing is in stark contrast to saying you love this girl. Basically your saying I want to let loose a bit before I commit to the love of my life.

Also, even if you were able to go out and "get it", it's not something that goes by one and done. You'll be tempted in the future no matter what you do.

Women my friend, they do not stop looking great and driving us mad...EVER!!!

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Basically what I'm saying is that before I got back with the woman FOREVER, I want to have my own private bachelor party because she got her bachelorette party ahha...

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Man, I went back to my first "love" so many times, after she cheated on me, would take "breaks" the same time we had breaks from school so she could hook up without any guilt and each time I thought "she changed" and "this is true love" not even close.

Of course she is going to tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear, why would she tell you this "I'm only back because this is familiar and when things get hard again I'm going to spread my legs for another bloke" when she wants to get back with you?

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I know you just think of her as another girl that will screw any guy that she wants, but she isn't like that at all. She really was heartbroken from our relationship and she really did try to move on but she is still in love with me. She did call it quits on us but I honestly understand why and don't blame her for it. I have broken up with before, but only to get some space and not to really break up with her and see other people, but she didn't take it that way...

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Originally Posted by speedy009

Basically what im saying is that before I got back with the woman FOREVER, i want to have my own private bachelor party because she got her bachelorette party ahha...

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Sounds like a mature way to handle things... :rolleyes:

You guys break up for one of two reasons:

1. One of you need space and therefor break up
2. One of you want to test the waters

Sounds like an equation of a match made in heaven if you ask me... good luck on the divorce. In all seriousness, please evaluate EVERYTHING before diving into this.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Sounds like a mature way to handle things...:rolleyes:

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Sarcasm I guess??

It actually sounds like she wants to use you as the rebound; since her thing with this new guy didn't work out, she's running back to you as 'plan B.' I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound unkind but that really sums it up. Incidentally, her having slept with another dude is not "clouding your judgment" at all. You're actually being very prudent taking that into consideration. I think the handwriting's on the wall here and I think you know it too. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by speedy009

Sarcasm i guess???

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Winner, winner chicken dinner!!!

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

It actually sounds like she wants to use you as the rebound; since her thing with this new guy didn't work out, she's running back to you as 'plan B.' I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound unkind but that really sums it up. Incidentally, her having slept with another dude is not "clouding your judgment" at all. You're actually being very prudent taking that into consideration. I think the handwriting's on the wall here and I think you know it too. Good luck.

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All opinions are welcome. Otherwise I would not have posted on a public forum. I think I might need to talk with my ex in person to really find out for sure if I want to be with her again...

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Originally Posted by kctiger

You guys break up for one of two reasons:

1. One of you need space and therefor break up
2. One of you want to test the waters

Sounds like an equation of a match made in heaven if you ask me...good luck on the divorce. In all seriousness, please evaluate EVERYTHING before diving into this.

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Thanks, I know most people here are giving really good advice, and showing me tough love because that's what I need to hear. I am not rushing anything and just need to think carefully about what I should do...

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Originally Posted by speedy009

I know you just think of her as another girl that will screw any guy that she wants, but she isnt like that at all. She really was heartbroken from our relationship and she really did try to move on but she is still in love with me. She did call it quits on us but I honestly understand why and dont blame her for it. I have broken up with before, but only to get some space and not to really break up with her and see other people, but she didnt take it that way...

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Read that from 3rd person perspective. Look at how you are making excuses for her? You want to know what I think of when someone breaks up with me, using reasons like "I can't handle this" "I'm really stressed out" "I need space", when I hear that all I hear inside my head is "I'm not just giving up on us, I'm giving up on you" and no offense, if someone wants to give up on me, I don't need them in my life. I'm a firm believer in, stand by myself or stand with someone else, either way I will always get up one more time than I fall.

I am a big believer in facts, and not just feelings when making big decisions, so the facts you have are
>First time long term relationship, and you were virgins. So that's one strong attachment after 8 years in a young life.
> You were young, but for whatever reason, those 8 years didn't give you a better set of coping skills, nor did you work well enough to stay together.
>Those 8 years didn't give you the right basis for honest communications
>Those 8 years never taught you how to make adjustments, or want to. Immaturity, maybe, but you grew apart, and broke up
> You handle yourself, and your emotions better than she did, and got further along in the healing process after the break up.
>She didn't heal, and only confused herself even more. That often happens when we jump from one relationship to another, expecting to be happy.
> That's not the worse part, what is, that instead of learning from her mistakes, she comes back to you to be happy. Thats because she has never healed, and needs someone to make her happy, first another guy, and now you......AGAIN
>She still is no closer to healing, than she was when you left
>The issues that broke you up in the first place are unresolved, and still there
>You have new issues to resolve
>You have grown, she has not, and all the love you have won't change that.

Sorry guy, but with just those facts, I would be very cautious if I were you before jumping back into something that has little chance at this time to work.

One thing for sure that you know as a fact, she isn't ready for a relationship with anyone at this time and does need time for herself, so she can get her head screwed back on.

That's reason enough to leave her alone to do so, without your influence.

Give it a year, and then see if she has made progress, on her own, and if you both will feel the same.

Takes two healthy adults, for a healthy adult relationship. Whats the real hurry to make sure what you do next, is the right thing? Take your own sweet time to get ALL the facts, and make a good decision for yourself.

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I think I might need to talk with my ex in person to really find out for sure if I want to be with her again...

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You're certainly free to talk with her if you want, but I honestly just think you'll be wasting your time.

I bet you will raise your concerns, and she will tell you how it will all be okay and that she's changed. You're the one she wants to be with, get married with, have a family with and grow old with.

I've been involved in this type of conversation before

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I am a big believer in facts, and not just feelings when making big decisions, so the facts you have are
>First time long term relationship, and you were virgins. So thats one strong attachment after 8 years in a young life.
> You were young, but for whatever reason, those 8 years didn't give you a better set of coping skills, nor did you work well enough to stay together.
>Those 8 years didn't give you the right basis for honest communications
>Those 8 years never taught you how to make adjustments, or want to. Immaturity, maybe, but you grew apart, and broke up
> You handle yourself, and your emotions better than she did, and got further along in the healing process after the break up.
>She didn't heal, and only confused herself even more. That often happens when we jump from one relationship to another, expecting to be happy.
> Thats not the worse part, what is, that instead of learning from her mistakes, she comes back to you to be happy. Thats because she has never healed, and needs someone to make her happy, first another guy, and now you......AGAIN
>She still is no closer to healing, than she was when you left
>The issues that broke you up in the first place are unresolved, and still there
>You have new issues to resolve
>You have grown, she has not, and all the love you have won't change that.

sorry guy, but with just those facts, I would be very cautious if I were you before jumping back into something that has little chance at this time to work.

One thing for sure that you know as a fact, she isn't ready for a relationship with anyone at this time and does need time for herself, so she can get her head screwed back on.

Thats reason enough to leave her alone to do so, without your influence.

Give it a year, and then see if she has made progress, on her own, and if you both will feel the same.

Takes two healthy adults, for a healthy adult relationship. Whats the real hurry to make sure what you do next, is the right thing? Take your own sweet time to get ALL the facts, and make a good decision for yourself.

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Thanks, I have read your advice on other topics as well and you seem like you are just a straight up person that looks at the facts instead of emotions.
You make a very strong argument that I should just leave her alone, because she might be confused still.
Im just torn between my head and my heart now...

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I bet you will raise your concerns, and she will tell you how it will all be okay and that she's changed. You're the one she wants to be with, get married with, have a family with and grow old with.

I've been involved in this type of conversation before

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And Im assuming that it didn't work out because the same problems were still there?

Nope, didn't work. You can only sweep problems under the rug before you start to trip over the dirt.

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She says that this guy was sooooo "perfect" but she just couldn't commit to him because she was still in love with me...

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I think she is playing you like a Kentucky fiddle.
I bet this guy that was sooo perfect(she did not have to play that lame card) dumped her.

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Originally Posted by speedy009

Thanks, I have read your advice on other topics as well and you seem like you are just a straight up person that looks at the facts instead of emotions.
You make a very strong argument that I should just leave her alone, because she might be confused still.
Im just torn between my head and my heart now...

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That's always the difficult part - the argument between the head and the heart!

I'm glad the posters gave you something to think about. The consensus seems to be that you need to give yourself some time to think, so instead of feeling that you HAVE to make a decision - why don't you do that? Deal with your own confusion first, and leave her to deal with hers on her own.

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Originally Posted by artlady

I think she is playing you like a Kentucky fiddle.
I bet this guy that was sooo perfect(she did not have to play that lame card) dumped her.

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No, I know for a fact that she dumped him and called it quits on him. She is a really sweet and beautiful person.

She has never lied to me about anything while in a relationship with her. I even tested her a couple times on things that she thought I didn't know and she is always truthful to me.

She felt like she had to tell me everything before I got back with her because she didn't want to hide anything from me and start a relationship based on lies and secrets..

This seems like an uphill battle to trust her again and to even get to a place where you would be comfortable. Is it really worth the trouble? At your age you have so much living to do and don't really need that kind of baggage. I would ask a lot of hard questions to see if it's worth it.

Just because you still love someone doesn't mean that you can give up peace of mind. It's really not a good trade-off.