Threads merged


Wow this site really has hit the nail on the head with how I have been feeling, and everything I have gone through since my EXBF broke up with me. I'm hoping you will be able to give me some more great advice.

My ex and I broke up almost 3 months ago. He said he just didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore. He thought he was just going through the motions. We had been going out for a little more than 6 months - he said he had felt that way for the past month.

Since then I have basically done (almost everything) that one is tempted to do after a break up. I cried - didn't sleep - didn't eat - wrote him a few emails - ran into him everywhere - cried some more - texted him when I said I wouldn't.

He said he wanted to be friends, and I thought he really meant it. Last month he went with me to a baseball game for work - we had planned this prior to breaking up. I wasn't pleasantly surprised that we had a lot of fun - joking around and just generally having a good time. We hooked up afterwards - bad idea I know - I knew it was only because we were both drunk at the time - not that he wanted to get back together. Well at the game he said he thought we could continue to hang out -yet he never called.

Well last Thursday, I had asked one of my good friends if she wanted to go out with me that night - I told her to invite whoever ( I didn't think she would invite him) she invited all of our friends, and apparently he wanted to come. There were just a few of us and him. Instead of treating me like a friend like he had the time before this time he said hi but basically didn't really want much to do with me. It really hurt my feelings.

Now I'm conflicted - I really want him in my life and to be his friend, but its incredibly hard on me and probably not a good idea. I know I need to keep my distance from him, but we have about 40 of the same friends, so I always see their pictures of him on Facebook, and hear about them all hanging out. I know I'll run into him again. It just tears me up inside to not be able to hang out with him anymore - to know that everyone else is.

I think it hurts so much because he was the first guy that I've seriously dated after college (I'm 25) and that I felt I could probably spend the rest of my life with. I know I need to institute the NC rule, but every time I try I fail. I've been trying to get him off my mind, but he's on my mind CONSTANTLY even after 3 months. How do I end this? Ive been going to the gym a few times a week, I've also taking up jogging and I'm taking golfing lessons, I've joined a kickball league and made some new friends. I go out every time someone invites me out - I'm bsically never home anymore Im so busy, but he's always in the back of my mind.

Q1. How do I get him out of my mind - its starting to affect my work.
Q2. With so many mutual friends - how do I deal with this?
Q3. What do I say when I see him out? He's sometimes nice, and sometimes its like he doesn't want me around
Q4. Is there smoethign else I can be doing to move on?
Q5. I dread being home alone now - how do I get over that?

Sorry about the long post and all the questions. I appreciate your help.

A few things to keep in mind. Though no contact seems like a good idea, you have to understand why you need to implement no contact.

First of all, you have this idea that you're going to be friends. So you've set some sort of expectation, which is prolonging your healing process. This is how the process works. You have to completely heal from the break up first and foremost. To heal, you need to worry about yourself. You need to take care of yourself.

If you feel that reminders of him is hindering your progress, that's when you implement no contact. No contact is used because you are having a difficult time getting over him.

If one day you get over him, then you can try to be friends. But until you've fully recovered, you have to stop having the expectations that the two of you will try to be friends.

If you feel that you've tried everything to get over him, then you're going to have to take some more extreme measures. Here are some suggestions:

1) Since you have 40 friends in common and instead of blocking everyone, it's probably better to deactivate your Facebook until you get over him. Once you've recovered, you can reactivate it if you want. During that time you can keep in touch with friends via phone or IM.

2) Block him on IM and email, so that he cannot contact you. If you want, you can even change your phone number, so he can't call you.

3) You have to let your common friends know that you need to recover from this breakup, so you would prefer not attending the same social gatherings. So if your friends respected you, they will take that into consideration when inviting people out. Until you've fully recovered from the break up, you'll have to sit out a few social gatherings where he's present.

4) Hang out with more friends and family. Keep your mind occupied. It's easier said than done, but just find other hobbies. Meet new people. Just do something to get your mind off him.

I'm sure others will have more suggestions. But you can start with these.

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Last month he went with me to a baseball game for work - joking around and just generally having a good time. We hooked up afterward - bad idea i know - i knew it was only because we were both drunk at the time - not that he wanted to get back together.

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Even though you have been broken up for 3 months, you have never broken the attachment, and even had sex. Your right bad idea all around and being drunk is a big excuse, that doesn't wash.

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Well at the game he said he thought we could continue to hang out -yet he never called.

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But you sure expected him to, and are highly hurt he hasn't. That's no way to heal after a break up. Take the hint, he ain't into you, as you are to him.

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Q1. How do I get him out of my mind - its starting to affect my work.

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Stay away from him. Find something else to do.

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Q2. With so many mutual friends - how do I deal with this?

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You need a life beyond your friends. How old are you??? Only school kids run in packs.

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Q3. What do I say when I see him out? He's sometimes nice, and sometimes its like he doesn't want me around

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Hi, and bye. Thats enough. No conversations, no matter what.

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Q4. Is there something else I can be doing to move on?

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Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, There is a link in my signature, and you could stand to read my signature also, just food for thought.

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Q5. I dread being home alone now - how do i get over that?

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Have things you enjoy to keep you busy, Hmmm all those friends and nobody to talk on the phone with, sometimes?? You know girl talk? Your not trying.

Give yourself the time it takes to get over him and get your life and feelings back together. It takes time, and you need patience, and a plan to get yourself busy.

I'll tell you one really important thing when dealing with a break up, there is no such thing as "mutual" friends. They will always be partial to one persons side, to avoid this, you simply cut ties with "mutual" friends and get your own

It's best to not be friends. It will eat you up every time you see him, and "healing" will be a magical, impossible term that only seems to show up in stories like The Lord of the Rings... or something else magical. >.>

Also, besides the great idea of deactivating your FB, I would ask your friends not to talk about him around you. They should understand. If they are jerks about it, maybe you shouldn't be friends with them, anyway.

Honestly, he's going to be in the back of your mind for a while. My Ex broke up with me 4 months ago, and I still have days where I think about him constantly (although it's angry thinking, not "I want to be with you" thinking). But since we never talk anymore, it makes things so much easier, and I've healed so much faster than I expected. I've seen him a few times, too (thank God he didn't see me), and it made me angry. But I figure as long as I don't want him back like I did originally, I'm making progress.

My point is, you're going to have to take this NC thing really seriously if you want to feel better. And you WILL get better if you're serious. You'll find someone (or they'll find you) and you'll be so busy being happy, your ex won't find room to be in your mind. :)

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by bella99

Instead of treating me like a friend like he had the time before this time he said hi but basically didnt really want much to do with me. It really hurt my feelings.



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I think he was just hurting to and that's why he acted like this,if/when you run into him in the future there always going to be a different reaction.

Three months is only a really short time for a relationship in which you'd invested your hopes and dreams. Your feelings of grief about the break up just do not pass that quickly.

I agree with the others - you can't get him out of your head while you still want or need to be friends with him. It just prolongs the agony and deep down keeps you hoping. Stop thinking that you can be friends and think about him as someone that is not good for you at this point in time. Avoid him if you can.

However, I also think that you need to accept that he'll be in your thoughts for a while and that a part of you is mourning the loss of the relationship. These feelings do not go away overnight and having them is part of the healing process. In other words, you can't process this ending unless you feel what you're feeling.

It's actually OK to feel lonely, conflicted and afraid. It's part of being human and it's part of our emotional growth. There are some things that we just don't 'get over' that quickly, nor are we meant to regardless of whether we'd like to!

Stick with what you're doing and take the advice of the other posters - you're doing good - sure, you may be doing it hard (we all do at some stage), but I promise you it does pass.

Thanks guys for all of the quick responses! Just as I was on day 2 of no contact yesterday (I had texted him on Sunday about a baseball game I was at), he texted me last night. First time in a few weeks where he texted me with out me prompting him. He and I have a lot of great baseball memories - we would always watch our favorite team (Phillies) together, and they won the world series last year, so every time I'm at a game I'm tempted to text him (I usually give in).

Yesterday was the All Star Game, and I knew he was probably almost expecting to hear from me, since so many of my favorite players were in the game. I decided right when I woke up that I wouldn't text him about it, and I was going to watch it with my friends, and not alone. Well - he sent me a text when it was almost over to ask if I was watching it. Stupid me, couldn't resist answering him. We had a short exchange - nothing emotional just about the game - I told him I was out with a bunch of friends watching it.

I think he may want to be friends with me - he is at least not mad at me, and I want to be friends with him too, but I think that has to wait until all of my feelings for him have passed. I wish they would go away more quickly so we could be friends again.

So today is now day 1 again. Ugh I miss him so much though. I was sitting in a meeting for work earlier kind of day dreaming and wishing I could ask him to go get a drink or even just a snack with me after work. I just want to catch up with him. I'm not going to do it however much I want to. If I did ask him tonight, there is a good chance he would say no or not answer at all and my feeligns would be hurt even more.

So I'm going to go to the gym and then jog by myself. Maybe clean or meet up with some friends. It's so hard to keep myself from missing him though sometimes, just going to keep plugging away.

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Originally Posted by bella99

Thanks guys for all of the quick responses! Just as i was on day 2 of no contact yesterday (I had texted him on Sunday about a baseball game I was at), he texted me last nite. First time in a few weeks where he texted me with out me prompting him. He and I have a lot of great baseball memories - we would always watch our favorite team (Phillies) together, and they won the world series last year, so everytime I'm at a game I'm tempted to text him (I usually give in).

Yesterday was the All Star Game, and I knew he was probably almost expecting to hear from me, since so many of my favorite players were in the game. I decided right when I woke up that I wouldn't text him about it, and I was going to watch it with my friends, and not alone. Well - he sent me a text when it was almost over to ask if I was watching it. Stupid me, couldnt resist answering him. We had a short exchange - nothing emotional just about the game - I told him I was out with a bunch of friends watching it.

I think he may want to be friends with me - he is atleast not mad at me, and I want to be friends with him too, but I think that has to wait until all of my feelings for him have passed. I wish they would go away more quickly so we could be friends again.

So today is now day 1 again. Ugh I miss him so much though. I was sitting in a meeting for work earlier kinda day dreaming and wishing I could ask him to go get a drink or even just a snack wiht me after work. I just want to catch up with him. I'm not gonna do it however much I want to. If I did ask him tonight, there is a good chance he would say no or not answer at all and my feeligns would be hurt even more.

So I'm gonna go to the gym and then jog by myself. Maybe clean or meet up with some friends. It's so hard to keep myself from missing him though sometimes, just gonna keep plugging away.

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You're going to miss him for a while, but never fear! You are doing the right thing by keeping busy and going out with friends. STICK to NC this time! Seriously. Even if he texts you 32943294 times, just say NO.

You can do it!

I'm a Phillies fan too, delete his number from your phone and stop answering his texts, it's only going to delay recovery

Well I'm glad I at least went out with some other friends that he doesn't know to watch it. I only saw half of it because then I went out with some other friends to see Harry Potter. I'm glad that at least I didn't text him about the game - he sent it to me first - sad that I responded though.

I was just at the gym, and just wasn't in the mood today. I was getting myself all upset because I was thinking how if he wanted to hang out with me he would call me (which is true) but then I took it in a different direction that I guess he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore - and that was getting me upset.

Ugh - all day today I felt pretty good then the end of the day I just fell apart. I guess some days are better than others. I wish I felt good consistently every day. I wish I knew what it felt like to feel good every day like I was when I was single before he and I started dating. I get jealous of him sometimes when I think that he probably feels fine, and can go about his days normally, while I'm out there being miserable or upset.

Side note: (oh and what were the phillies thinking signing pedro? We need halladay)

We were good friends before we ever started dating. That's how we started dating - we would watch sporting events together go see movies once in a while. Just hang out. I never felt an pressure around him and we would just joke around. I secretly had a crush on his friend, but I thought he was handsome and a nice guy as wel, so I was shocked when eventually we found ourselves dating. Then I realized I had fallen for him and not his friend. We had a great time going out or just staying in - we never really fought - maybe 2 times but it wasn't anything earth shattering. Then something changed.

I think it was stress from school - I'm going to school for my MBA and he was finally about to finish his bachelors after a bunch of years trying. Our dates ended up being in the library, or go see a movie, then go to the library. I felt the lack of intimacy, and said something to him hoping we could work on it. Well 2 weeks later he decided we should break up because he felt like he didn't have the same feeligns for me anymore. I (obviously) was devastated. Not the outcome I wanted at all from talking to him about how I felt :(

He's also 2 years younger than me - so maybe it was stress coupled with him wanting to do single guy things. Maybe he just wants to get all that out of his system - so its not his time for a relationship.

I'm just trying to move on - but its hard. I've been broken up with before and it was never this hard. I went out with one guy for 2.5 years and we were fine afterwards. I guess this time I didn't see it coming. Oh well. I know there is some reason for all of this - a lesson - or maybe now that he's out of the way I'll meet the real man of my dreams - or maybe our paths will cross another time when we are both ready.

No matter what - I just want to be happy being me - happy with who I am. My feelings for my ex are really the only bad part in my life right now - I have a great job, house, friends - I just need to learn to be happy on my own again. Ugh :( I wish I didn't miss him.

I won't touch the God subject but going through my break up I had one saying that I found online. It's still taped to my wall in my room

"If this world doesn't take your hand, it will only knock you down. If you won't pick yourself up, maybe you don't belong on your feet"

Is there a Quote thread somewhere with quotes that help people get through breakups or tough times? If not - maybe I'll start one

I have 2 favorite quotes that help me when I'm feeling down

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things that we don't want to know but have to learn and people whom we can't live without but have to let go.

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things that we don't want to know but have to learn and people whom we can't live without but have to let go.

(unfortunately I don't know who to give credit to for either of the quotes).

If you believe in god - or even if you don't I found that reading St. Theresa's Prayer helps to calm me down too. I guess it just reminds me that there is a point to all of this.

May today there be peace within you
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for every one of us

I feel like absolute crap today. I had written him an email back on July 2nd after hanging out with him and some other friends. He had treated me like the bottom of the barrel while hanging out with everyone else. The email said I still wanted to be friends, but that I hated being treated like he could care less about me. We had hung out a few weeks prior and had a good time, and that I couldn't understand why he would treat me so differently one time to the next.

He didn't respond until this past Thursday (july 16 - said he didn't check that email address frequently) He said he's sorry that he does want to be friends with me and that maybe in time it will be easier. That he owes me a lot and that we would hang out soon - on his birthday on the 31st.

I didn't respond, but I guess it gave me some kind of false hope that maybe everything would be OK. I was in a great mood on Friday. I was incredibly busy this weekend - went to NYC for a few nites - went to PA to visit my family - went to philly. I had fun but he was in the back of my mind.

Today, I feel lonely and upset. I really miss him. I really wish everything would be OK between us again. I hate not having him in my life - I hate not being able to call him whenever I want or just contact him in general. I'm totally afraid to cut off contact completely because I'm afraid he really won't ever get back in touch with me and he'll be gone from my life forever.

I guess I just feel like I'm in despair right now, and that there is no hope.

The last few weeks I have kept myself so busy - and I've done a lot of fun things like sky diving, going to NYC, going to VA Beach, Baltimore, Philly, the beach, just hanging out with friends. But I feel like I can never look forward to anything. I'm going on vacation this weekend to the beach and I just could care less. While I'm doing all these things I just wish he were there.

Is there anyway to get out of this rut and start being excited for things again? I just want my life back again.

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Originally Posted by bella99

I feel like absolute crap today. I had written him an email back on July 2nd after hanging out with him and some other friends. He had treated me like the bottom of the barrel while hanging out with everyone else. The email said I still wanted to be friends, but that I hated being treated like he could care less about me. We had hung out a few weeks prior and had a good time, and that I couldn't understand why he would treat me so differently one time to the next.

He didn't respond until this past Thursday (july 16 - said he didn't check that email address frequently) He said he's sorry that he does want to be friends with me and that maybe in time it will be easier. That he owes me a lot and that we would hang out soon - on his bday on the 31st.

I didn't respond, but I guess it gave me some kinda false hope that maybe everything would be ok. I was in a great mood on Friday. I was incredibly busy this weekend - went to NYC for a few nites - went to PA to visit my family - went to philly. I had fun but he was in the back of my mind.

Today, I feel lonely and upset. I really miss him. I really wish everything would be ok between us again. I hate not having him in my life - i hate not being able to call him whenever I want or just contact him in general. I'm totally afraid to cut off contact completely because I'm afraid he really won't ever get back in touch with me and he'll be gone from my life forever.

I guess I just feel like I'm in dispair right now, and that there is no hope.

The last few weeks I have kept myself so busy - and I've done a lot of fun things like sky diving, going to NYC, going to VA Beach, Baltimore, Philly, the beach, just hanging out with friends. But I feel like I can never look forward to anything. I'm going on vacation this weekend to the beach and I just could care less. While I'm doing all these things I just wish he were there.

Is there anyway to get out of this rut and start being excited for thigns again? I just want my life back again.

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The thing is, sometimes you've got to feel bad so that you can feel good again. It's life and it takes time to get over things. Understand that there has been an ending, and you're mourning the loss of a relationship. You'd be much better off if you cut off all contact with him, because it only makes you feel worse.

One thing I always told myself when I felt like I hit rock bottom, it's solid ground to start climbing back up and that a dead end road is a great spot to turn around at. Keep moving forward, leave the past in the past. You can try to raise a sunken ship from the depths but it's still wrecked.

Thanks guys - I like the rock bottom idea (well I don't like it but it makes sense). Some days I just feel so much better than other days - today was not a good day :( Its been 3 months to the day tomorrow - and sometimes I don't feel like I am any better than the first week. I eat and sleep and go out and all but just emotionally sometimes I don't feel any better.

And he seems to be having an easy time of it - he has maybe sent me a message 2 times on his own accord - not provoked by me. He has otherwise not contacted me - god I wish it were that easy for me! I just miss him all the time.

Today my roommate asked if I would be home for dinner (frequently I'm not since I keep so busy), but I was able to make it - she invited our couple friends over and her boyfriend was there and me - all was well until after dinner when everone was all cuddly and I just went upstairs. She must know that it bothers me still - ugh.

I have to go to a birthday party that my ex will be at next Saturday - its my friend Mandy's birthday, but its also his birthday - each year they do a joint party. I've known mandy longer - that's actually how I met him. I want to go, but I just don't know how to act around him. I don't want to seem like I still let this get to me - because that won't help the situation. I don't want to seem like a heartless - although I should be - but I don't want to hang all over him. Its hard to be around him and watch him hanging out with all of our friends and not me. I can hang out with other people there and I'm sure I will - I'll just wish he wanted to hang out with me.

I might go see a counselor - its been 3 months and this stuf is still always on my mind - it makes it hard to get my work done - and just hurts so much sometimes - then other times - I pretend it doesn't bother me. Im starting to feel like I can't talk to my friends because I've exhausted their patience. Anythoughts? Has couceling helped anyone at all?

Threads merged

So I have been having a tough time letting go of my ex. I've realized that most of my hurt isn't because I miss his love, but more that I am hurting from feeling rejected. I'm also just scared to let go because it means giving up on the possibility of him coming back to me. I miss his friendship, but I can find that in other people if I look.

So, I've been doing lots of digging, and I found a great blog with great words of advice. I hope it helps others as much as I hope it will help me.

How to let go of a relationship when you don't want to
http://www.lovecoachblog.com/let_go/

How to deal with heartache
http://www.lovecoachblog.com/dealing_with_heartache/

I'm sure there are probably other great articles out on her blog that would be helpful too.

I hope this helps others in my situation.

Bella, that was very kind of you to offer words to help others heal.

Tick

This isn't so much a question - its more an email to my ex that I want to send to him but know I shouldn't. Here goes. (sorry if you can't read this - I'm crying and not about to spell check) Give me any words of wisdom you have.

So, why is it that last night you and I went to dinner and you were nice to me and we joked around and hand fun, and you were interested in what was going on in my life - yet tonight - I invited you out to hang out with our mutual friends- you treat me like crap?? So our night started with you telling me you were so engrossed in watching the phillies, and whenever I tried to talk to you, you answered but were engrossed in the phillies game because they could lose.

So we all walk down to the next bar because your friend mike is there - and its about to be your birthday in an hour. As soon as we get to the bar, you leave all of us to see your friend mike and hang out with him. Don't invite us over or tel us where your going - no - just leave. So I walk over and tell you wer are going upstairs - say hi to your friends all of whom know me. I ask you to come upstairs before its your actual birthday in an hour.

An hour goes by - I send you a happy birthday text - no response - 20 min later - I send you a text asking if you are going to come up stairs you say "very soon!". Yea 20 min later you come upstairs, blow all of your friends off including me to go talk to some chick -and you are absolultey engrossed in talking to her (never mind that the phillies are now losing 7-2 and if you were talking to me you would have been all about that and worried). You don't say thanks for the text or anything to me - or ay of your other friends - who actually drove you to the bar.

What did you use them to just get a ride to newark so you could hang out with your other friends?? They were pissed too I was pissed for different reasons - because you were nice to me and an today. And 25 feet away from me chatting up your chic friend. Oh and then 20 min into it your ealize you ddnt say hi to the friends that drove you. So you come over and bring your friend kate. Say hi quick introduce us all and abruptly vanish again to the front of the bar 25 feet away where I get subjected to watching you laugh and have a great time with her. Yea - hey jerk - I'm rRIGHT HERE!! YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELIGNS RIGHT NOW! I run out and cry -but I don't want him to know I'm crying - my friends are trying to console me.

I'm about to leave - I happent o have to walk passed you - I hit you on the shoulder and wave good bye. You follow to say good bye to the entire group.. You give me a hug, and by this point I've been crying and can't really stop and you ask what's wrong - I try really hard to blurt out that I wish you wouldn't hurt me rightinfront of me -no idea how it came out - but iw as crying and hugging you and didn't want to let you go. You left then to hang out with your other friends. Iwas still crying. I left too.

Dude - its not like we broke up because someone hurt the other person - u just "dont have romantic feeligns for me anmore" well you know what - no matte what I do - I still have those feeligs for you -its been a little over 3 months and that hasn't changed for me. No guys interest me except you. Apparently I'm replaceable though. . Do you even care that you hurt me? You obviously know now. Are you doint this to me on purpose? I want to write you an email and tell you all of this - but that's a bad idea. I came home and cried my eyes out for an hour to my cousin on the phone. She now thoroughly hates you.

Unfortunately I have to see you on Saturday at mandys birthday party - yea its yours too but I was friends with her for 2 years before I ever met you.

This time - screw it - I don't care if its your birthday or not - I'm not talking to you - I'm going to try to be strict about this no contact thing. I sent you a happy birhtday text, and I got nothing - you ignored me when youc ame up stairs- well - screw it - u don't need me - I may need you now - but I don't need to contact you. If you actually want to be friends like you've told me so many times - its now YOUR turn to make the effort . I've run out of effort for you. I miss you and hate you and wish you weren't a jerk to me 0 none of this will end until I get rid of you (which is incredibly impossible seeing as how we have all the same friends - but I'm going to try). Maybe you will realize what you are missing one day - and it will be way too late. Its already too late for you. Goodluck finding someone like me again. I cared about ou more than I ever should have how much did you carea about me? I was in a great mood for the past 2 weeks - then tonight - its like a huge setback. I give up - how about you try to be my friend for once. I don't want to care anymore - you don't deserve someone like me. I'm always around helping my friends well your not my friend anymore - good luck in life I am tired of hurting so much.

Venting to others or a diary is a very good way to get your emotions out... and so it crying, so don't feel bad.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, but you did the right thing in not sending this to him. It would end in disaster.

Keep your word on the NC thing, though. I PROMISE that NC does wonders, and even if you're not completely over him, you'll still feel a lot better.

Keep NC, and keep venting. People here know what you're going through, and don't mind helping.

Hi Bella
I'm really sorry for your hurt but unfortunately this is the way some guys try to tell you their not interested anymore if you don't take the hint and keep contacting him.

He's let you know and to him it's just a drama when you confront him with all the crying etc.

I know that's not what you want to hear but that's how a lot of guys deal with this sort of situation.

I suggest you just leave him alone now and go No Contact , that way you'll start healing and it won't hurt as much the more time goes by.

Chin up.

Thanks for replying guys. Definitely no contact from now on. It will be incredibly hard, but I finally have a reason. I have nothing left to hold on to to hope that we might get back together. And any guy who would be nice to me one night then a total jerk the next doesn't deserve me at all. Until this point I thought about all of the good parts of our relationship, but now all I can think of is how much of a jerk he was to me - I have nothing left to say to him.

Today is his birthday - earlier in the week I sent him a card which he got on Wednesday and I sent him a happy birhtday text last night at midnite before all this started - which he never even said thanks to me for. So I've already said my part to him about his birthdaythankfully or I'd be tempted to send him a message about his birhtday.

I'll run into him tomorrow definitely, but I'm just going to pretend like he's not around. If it gets to me I'm going to leave. My cousin is going with me to the celebration, so she promised to help me stay away from him if I need the help.

Its kind of strange - I feel pretty craptastic and Ok at the same time today. Bad because I didn't sleep, my stomach hurts, and I just feel betrayed. Ok because now I have a definitive answer in my brain that there is on going back. I'm not being torn in 2 directions by the idea that we could get back together again. There is no chance now - I know it- and I think knowing this will help me move on no matter how sad it is.

There is somebody else out there - I just keep wondering where this somebody else is right now.

I might take the afternoon off work - if its not raining maybe ill drive to baltimore and walk around the harbor or go see some movies. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this. Ugh.

Hang in there bella. I'm going through the same hurt. Somedays it feels impossible to move on and it sucks. Yesterday was REALLY crappy. I'm at 2 1/2 weeks of NC. But I went to the gym and hung out with my roommate and I felt 10x's better. I do believe it will get better. Stick to NC and you'll get through this. :)

No Contact means no contact for very good reasons.

It gives you time and space to start to recover from a relationship that has ended.

Your original post is really a good little essay on why No Contact should be taken literally.

You see him, you hurt. You talk to him, you hurt. He says something, you hurt. You see him with another girl, you hurt. He looks and acts like he's single, you hurt. You try to have him see how hurt you are and how disappointed he is with being so crappy toward you, and you hurt. You turn on the waterworks, he doesn't bend.

Because this is still so raw for you emotionally, consider not going to places where you know he's going to be, i.e. the birthday party. You are not over him, and this will show; how you look at him, talk about him, think about him. While he is within earshot and you can actually see him, you are again, setting yourself up to be hurt.

My advice to you is to back off completely. Find things to do to keep yourself busy instead of worrying about an event where you'll know he'll be, where you will need your cousin with you to help you stay away from him, as you said.

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Originally Posted by bella99

There is somebody else out there - i just keep wondering where this somebody else is right now.

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Your right there is someone out there for all of us , but it's important to go through your healing process first.

And that someone will turn up when you aren't even looking.

Good Luck Bella :)

Yes it should be consistent. I left my partner two weeks ago-then rang him a couple of days later. He screamed at me to leave him alone. Nc yes!

So - I've successfully done an entire week of NC as of tomorrow. Unfortunately I did end up going to the party last Saturday, but it actually opened up my eyes a little bit, and made this NC thing much more do-able.

I had fun at the party dancing with all of my other friends, but my ex was a complete Jerk - it seems he is fooling around with this girl who has a boyfriend (that everyone knows) and she is also one of his best friend's exes - there must be a man code against that. Well when I figured this out - It really turned my stomach. I was disgusted at him since this is a 180 from the guy I used to know really well even before we were going out. I am incredibly disappointed in him.

This did help though since now I don't even want to be his friend. I haven't even felt like talking to him.

I was in a good mood most of this week actually which was a first for me. Today I have been kind of down. I think I'm a little hurt that he disappointed me, and I'm also a little lonely. I have all this energy and I want to go out and do something and meet new people, but there is no one to go out and do anythign with tonight. Its hard to meet new people when you are stuck at home watching a movie because there is nothing to do.

Anyway, I just wanted to give everyone an update. I'm going to stick to the absolutely NO Contact rule. At first I had wanted to send him an email telling him how disappointed I was, but I got over it - I don't even want to spend that much energy on him.

I guess sometimes the guy really does have to be a complete and utter jerk in order for you to move on - stinks that it has to end up that way.

I'm glad you're staying strong, Bella. It seems like you are making headway in your recovery. Tues. marks 1 month NC for me. I had the biggest urge today to send a "how are you" text, but I think I'm going to stay strong as well and forget about it. Congrats on your 1st week. I know it was tough, but stick with it and you'll make out great!

Oh, one more thing. Read the post below. I read it today, and this post alone is the reason why I'm sticking to NC (even though he didn't, but had his reasons). It's a great read on hope and being able to move on and staying positive and healing.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...her-93599.html

Hey Laxman thanks for the words of encouragement. DEFINITELY do not contact your ex - you just went an entire month - I'm so envious of you. Don't destroy that or you will have to start back at day 1.

Its still hard to believe its necessary to go through all of this for someone you used to care about. Ugh.

I'm on day 10 of NC, but I had all kinds of dreams about him last night. I miss the guy he used to be. Why do people have to change?

I'm going to run into him next Saturday at a going away party for my best friend. I guess that will be the true test of my NC. Just going to stay away - plenty of other people to talk to there, and I have nothing to say to him.

Its not a test of NC, it's a test of how well you handle yourself. Sounds like a good plan though, have fun with others, and be polite, and brief, with him.

As long as you don't get dragged into emotional conversations about the past, you will be fine.

What if he has a date?

Ugh - this NC thing is getting hard now. Its been 16 days which I am so proud of - but I'm starting to miss him - even though he was a jackass to me. He went out with a bunch of my friends on Saturday and I just saw a bunch of pictures of it, and it made me miss him. It made me wonder why it is that he can hang out with all of them, but yet he doesn't miss seeing me at all.

I'm here every day missing him - and I don't want to - but its like a bad habit I can't break. I'm depressed because of him, and yet he's out hanging out with our friends having fun, not missing me a bit. I really want to stop missing him - to not think about him anymore, but I can't seem to get him out of my head.

I'll probably see him at a going away party both Friday and Saturday this week - and I don't want to break my no contact with him, but its going to be tough because I miss him so much and he doesn't seem to miss me at all. The last 4 months he hasn't really contacted me at all - I just can't believe how easy this has been for him.

I miss him - will this ever go away? I hate running into him all the time, but I can't just not talk to any of my friends anymore. Why has it been so easy for him to stop contacting me this entire time when its almost impossible for me? Sorry I just had to vent to someone - ugh I miss him :(

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Originally Posted by bella99

ugh - this NC thing is getting hard now. Its been 16 days which I am so proud of - but I'm starting to miss him - even though he was a jackass to me. he went out with a bunch of my friends on saturday and I just saw a bunch of pictures of it, and it made me miss him. it made me wonder why it is that he can hang out with all of them, but yet he doesn't miss seeing me at all.

I'm here every day missing him - and I don't want to - but its like a bad habit I can't break. I'm depressed because of him, and yet he's out hanging out with our friends having fun, not missing me a bit. I really want to stop missing him - to not think about him anymore, but I can't seem to get him out of my head.

I'll probably see him at a going away party both friday and saturday this week - and I don't want to break my no contact with him, but its gonna be tough because I miss him so much and he doesn't seem to miss me at all. The last 4 months he hasn't really contacted me at all - I just can't believe how easy this has been for him.

I miss him - will this ever go away? I hate running into him all the time, but I can't just not talk to any of my friends anymore. Why has it been so easy for him to stop contacting me this entire time when its almost impossible for me? Sorry I just had to vent to someone - ugh I miss him :(

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Hey Bella,
You've been doing great. When I got dumped, I set myself a goal directly. My goal was to lose fat and get back in shape. Everyday there was tremendous change and I was very pleased with myself. When I started to think about my ex, I just looked in the mirror to see how much fat I lost.

I say fight your emotions, don't let them control you. When your ex start missing do something else. Also don't worry, time heals all wound. It's not easy because you have mutual friend but you'll get and then one day you will feel whole again. As everyday passes you will have ups and down, but them it will be only ups and life will be like normal or better than before.

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Originally Posted by bella99

Sorry I just had to vent to someone - ugh I miss him :(

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No you don't miss him , you miss who you thought he was.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bella99

Why has it been so easy for him to stop contacting me this entire time when its almost impossible for me?

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Because he is over you , before he broke up with you he knew it was happening and therefore a lot of his emotional demons had been dealt with.

For you , like most dumpees it seems to come out of the blue and for no reason , so you have to start your healing from that point. Just takes time I'm afraid and the fact that you have to see him from time to time certainly doesn't make it any easier.

Good news is one day you will start to feel better and then it just gets better and better as each day/week etc. goes by. Then you'll look back and see what a lot of unnecessary energy you spent worrying about someone who isn't worrying about you.

Ugh it still hurts though that someone who used to care a lot - now doesn't even wonder how I'm doing. It hurts me that my entire summer has had this shadow cast over it that I can't get rid of because he's always in the back of my mind - yet for him its just so easy.

I shouldn't be jealous of him but I am - I wish my life wasn't so gloomy right now - I hate missing someone who doesn't miss me - but I can't seem to stop.

You trick yourself into not caring by doing activities and hobbies that fill your life and that you love. Volunteer, go give someone in need of REAL help a hand. The more proactive you are in rebuilding a truly meaningful life the easier it is to get over this.

Yea - I think I need to volunteer somewhere and be of some use to other people. I have been filling up my time with trips to the beach, hanging out with friends, going to the gym, etc etc, but I think maybe giving my time to others will make me feel like I have a better purpose in the world rather than just wasting my time being selfish.

I actually filled out the 10 page app to be a volunteer with the red cross, I did the back ground check and all, but they require you to go to a group orientation which is for some reason always held during the work day - so I can never go. Maybe I'll try the hospital or humane society or something.

Last night when I wrote that I was so upset - but today I feel a lot better and more clear minded. Its amazing how your mood can change day to day. I know he isn't purposefully trying to hurt me - he's just going about living his life - hanging out and having fun. I think I'm just envious that its so easy for him - I want to be in the same place mentally as him where I don't care and this doesn't bother me anymore - I know that will come with time.

I hate how love can make you rational ane irrational all at the same time.