Hi guys, I've been with my partner for 9 years now, we have a house together and lots of commitments together.

I am desperate to get married, but we lately tried to speak about it and he proclaimed (out of the blue) he will never ever get married! Mixed signals to say the least... last yr he told my mother he was saving for a ring!

I pushed for an explanation all I got was... 'your not marriage material', then denied saying it and refuses to talk about the subject!

When I met him he wasn't hot on marriage and I put it down to his parents horrific marriage. But then he came round and we spoke about it last year... where we would get married, laughed about keeping his mum and dad apart... first dances... etc

He always says as well that he loves me more than I love him. Which I actually think might be a little true, but I love him enough to be with him for the rest of our lives.

What's going on with him? I would love to know what guys think?
Im even starting to wonder whether we actually have a future or not??

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but I love him enough to be with him for the rest of our lives.

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Really,do you?That statement sounds like someone who is willing to settle.
If not getting married is a deal breaker than you have to consider if you are willing to be live in partners or if you feel that you are being cheated.
If marriage is your bottom line than perhaps you need to rethink the relationship.

I am so sorry to laugh, but I finally feel a little less alone.
If you would love advice, I have been going through this for five years myself, in what I think is a great relationship that will never be marriage.
Bottom line for the both of us: You can't stay with two different paths in life, you have just given up the common ground.
If it's important to you (it's hugely important to me) you won't be comfortable sitting pretty when his actions are a huge shot at your relationship foundation.

I'm not against marriage,but you guys have been together for 9 years,a ceremony and a piece of paper does not keep a couple together,they stay together because they want to be together.

What will change if you get married?

If its not broken don't fix it,is getting married so important to you?

Is there any guys out there, who can give me an idea of what he might be thinking?

I do see your point,I was married,divorced did the works.


The point I was trying to make is,9 years is a long time in a relationship,if he was going to marry you,would he not have done it already?

I guess even though your together,marriage is that final commitment,harder to get out off,harder to walk away from.
Justwantfair has a really good thread at the moment,its worth the read. Maybe she can post the thread,my computer is kicking up this evening.

He told you himself he didn't think you were marriage material.

I would get out of there. You're setting yourself up for a lot more pain down the road.

Only he knows how he feels about you--nobody else would. If you can't figure out how he feels or where this relationship how would you expect complete strangers try to sort it out?

You can't force him to communicate with you and he doesn't seems like he wants to at this point.

The two of you decided to play house but now you want to change the rules and it's obivuous he doesn't.

I would be very concern with my boyfriend of 9 years telling me I isn't marriage material. If you isn't marriage material then why in the world is he with you? Makes you wonder! Also, are you pushing for marriage?

That's the bit that really gets me, if he had just said I don't want to marry, because of money or family, or any other reason I could maybe understand. But a comment like 'not marriage material'! What the hell is that? I'm not pushing marriage, I just simply brought it up and he flew off the handle.

Is it possible a man could still be so sexist to think marriage material equals, dinner every night on the table with martini in hand?

I isn't ever going to be that person, I have more commitments than him with my work, I work long hours and usually bring it home as well, I don't have time to stroke his ego all the time as well. Lol sorry little rant!

Tell me if this sounds normal to you?

My mum and dad said to me they found it completely bizarre that we have separate bank accunts, my money is mine and his is his, we each put some into a joint account to pay house, bills, etc.

He spends his money on his things and I spend my money on my stuff. Is this a new generation thing or not?

My mother thinks we should all our money in one account, certainly after 9 years. It doesn't bother me either way, I've never known it different. Just wondered if any one else found it strange?

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Originally Posted by nobabes

thats the bit that really gets me, if he had just said i dont want to marry, cos of money or family, or any other reason I could maybe understand. But a comment like 'not marriage material'! what the hell is that? im not pushing marriage, i just simply brought it up and he flew off the handle.

Is it possible a man could still be so sexist to think marriage material equals, dinner every night on the table with martini in hand?

I aint ever gonna be that person, i have more committments than him with my work, I work long hours and usually bring it home aswell, I dont have time to stroke his ego all the time as well. lol sorry little rant!

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He said that because he's a moron who wants to be the male version of the cat/bag lady who is extremely lonely, scares children, and eats belly button lint. You're actually lucky he said that; can imagine marrying someone like that?

My ex boyfriend told me (and he WANTED to marry me... for most of our relationship, anyway... ) that I should be "grateful" he broke up with me, and he could be with me 10 years and STILL never want to marry me or EVER have the intention of doing so. What a douchebag, right? Yeah, that's why we don't talk anymore, even though he wanted to be "friends."

The world's infested! AHH!

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Originally Posted by nobabes

Hi guys, ive been with my partner for 9 years now, we have a house together and lots of committments together.

I am desperate to get married, but we lately tried to speak about it and he proclaimed (out of the blue) he will never ever get married! Mixed signals to say the least.....last yr he told my mother he was saving for a ring!

i pushed for an explanation all I got was....'your not marriage material', then denied saying it and refuses to talk about the subject!

Wehn I met him he wasnt hot on marriage and i put it down to his parents horrific marriage. But then he came round and we spoke about it last year...where we would get married, laughed about keeping his mum and dad apart....first dances...etc

he always says aswell that he loves me more than i love him. which i actually think might be a little true, but i love him enough to be with him for the rest of our lives.

whats going on with him? i would love to know what guys think?
Im even starting to wonder whether we actually have a future or not????

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Nine years is a very long commitment, and more than enough time to realize that marriage is long overdue.

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to expect that, especially if you are wanting to have children. There is a totally different level of commitment when you are married, and him throwing excuses around as to why he isn't, is just to throw you off.

But a couple of thoughts come to mind. First of all, he has all the benefits of marriage, and a nice stable, loving partner, so why take that next step. He's shown he's loyal and a good partner over the long haul, what's the big deal. His mindset is not uncommon in that he's got his life where he wants it, and fears marriage as a death sentence, which many do. And rightly so really, as more marriages than not, end in divorce. Maybe this is masking that insecurity; that he could possibly lose you.

It really boils down to what you want. If being married is the place you want to be, and he cannot see himself ever being married, then there is little you can do. You either accept it, or you don't. You stay, or you move on.

He may have toyed with the idea along the way, as you said with saving for a ring, but the bottom line is, he cannot commit to marrying you. With it being a major concern in your life right now I'd like to suggest something else.

When both parties have drawn their lines in the sand as to where they stand, and there is no compromising the issue, until you settle it, it will eat away at your relationship. Go and see a therapist, and see if this doesn't allow each of you the freedom to express yourselves without fear of reprimand or arguing.

It may very well be that what stops him are his own insecurities, or other reasons that you (and maybe he himself) are not aware of. The fact that he won't marry you is probably more to do with his mindset, and he may just gain a little insight.

In the meanwhile, I would let the matter rest, and agree to not talk about it until you are in counselling. Pushing him at this stage of the game won't do any good, and likely would do more harm.

Good luck to you.

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9Lives disagrees: my dad married his girlfriend after 10 years. He became a godly man at the time.

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What are you disagreeing with?

This isn't how the rating system is to be used. My personal experience isn't up for disagreement, it is my story. You may only disagree with facts that are incorrect. Please refer to the rules of the site.

It looks like I caught this late. A lot of good advice here. Counseling is a great idea. I think to get a third party involved usually is because they can help you see what you and/or your partner doesn't see.

Also, people can say things that they don't mean if they are upset/angry. I can't see why he would still be with you if there wasn't something there that made him think you were "marriage material."

To Justy, and Nobabes,
If marriage was the goal, why settle for living together for so long??

With, or without, the piece of paper and traditions, and pomp, and ceremony, YOU ARE MARRIED, and fully committed to life with each other. Don't let that piece of paper (or lack of it) change that, or drive a wedge between you.

It may take a lot longer than overnight, for a guy to see how important that piece of paper is to you, or the legal ramifications that piece of paper will mean to the law.

I think you would be best to back away, and let some emotional dust settle, so the men in your lives can process your feelings, and theirs, (we guys are slow to process our own feelings, let alone yours) because we guys are quick to get into our comfort zones, and it takes dynamite to get us out.

The smartest thing I have read though is keeping the finances separated, as ONLY in marriage should you mix the money. The law doesn't recognize couples after anything happens (break up, death, injury, or illness) without a signed sealed and delivered contract.

To nobabes,
Don't have any babies until he seals the deal legally, and if babies are your goal, let him know so he has food for thought.

Thanks for all your answers guys theyr all appreciated. There are two things I would like to point out though.

Tal, in Scotland we are legally bound, just as marriage, after two years of cohabiting, but thanks for your response about the finances.

For those who spoke about counseling... unfortunately in the UK, this isn't such a normal route, therapy and counselling is very much an 'western' thing and counselling is only really used for tradegies, mental illness and the like... Its not really offered by our national health for the reasons I would like to use it and therefore is hugely, massively expensive.

nobabes,

How are things transpiring now, has there been any improvements? As you know, I am a very interested party. ;)

Let me just say... I was this guy not to long ago... my ex wanted to be apart of my credit card acct, always talked about our wedding, always talked about our house, etc...

I always disagreed and said 'i don't even know if we will' 'i don't know in this point of my life' 'i don't think we could get married' 'i always wanted children on my own, from a woman who didn't have children' since she has 2 children from a past relationship...

So what he wants to do is see if he can find somebody more worthy in his eyes to marry and then if he can't he will want to marry you...

But that is not fair... he must let you go and he must go on so he can find somebody that fits his wants in a wife and as do you need to find that man that wants to unconditionally love you and only you and has no doubts about marriage...

I was your boyfriend at one time, and now I left my ex because its for the best for us, I can search for the woman and life I want and she can find a man who wants to take care of her and her 2 children...

That's just my opinion but I hope the best!

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

nobabes,

How are things transpiring now, has there been any improvements? As you know, I am a very interested party. ;)

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My partner is so bloody strange... lol

He's not very emotionally in touch as you may have gathered. He only ever really starts to talk about his feelings and REAL opinions after a few drinks. So anyway after a few I started to fish about (at my own peril), it all came out that he scared of marriage, scared of the actual day... the speeches, standing up in front of everyone, etc, etc. And his parents had a terrible marriage also.

I don't know whether that's just excuses or not, but he seemed quite genuine. But then I also think... surely if he really loved me he would put all that aside for one day?

Surely a lot of men feel like that, but have done because they love their partners?

The biggest deterrent for a man to not want to marry a woman is that the sex life is no good. Now the woman might be happy, or fine with what is there because it's not the most important thing for her in the relationship. But for a guy sex is the most important of all and then comes everything else, relationship, love then marriage.

If a man says that's not true he's lying. Excellent sex is the most important for a healthy relationship.

All I can suggest is to give him the best sex he's ever had in his life. ~ Then wait a while. Maybe that is all that is needed to push him into the YES camp.

Everyone's advice is different. A lot of people won't like mine, but I am frank about everything and I find that works good for me.

You certainly have nothing to lose, it's already not going to well for you. I'm a male and I am dead certain on this. Blow this man away in bed and he'll make his mind up in only a few days
That he wants this relationship or not.

It's been 9 years! He loves you, but he needs more passion to want to tight the knot and doesn't know how to make that happen.

You seem to be steering everything. So fix this up quick smart or split now.

Good luck :)

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Originally Posted by J. Sparks

The biggest deterrent for a man to not want to marry a woman is that the sex life is no good. Now the woman might be happy, or fine with what is there because it's not the most important thing for her in the relationship. But for a guy sex is the most important of all and then comes everything else, relationship, love then marriage.

If a man says that's not true he's lying. Excellent sex is the most important for a healthy relationship.

All i can suggest is to give him the best sex he's ever had in his life. ~ Then wait a while. Maybe that is all that is needed to push him into the YES camp.

Everyone's advice is different. A lot of people won't like mine, but I am frank about everything and I find that works good for me.

You certainly have nothing to lose, it's already not going to well for ya. I'm a male and I am dead certain on this. Blow this man away in bed and he'll make his mind up in only a few days
that he wants this relationship or not.

It's been 9 years !! He loves you, but he needs more passion to want to tight the knot and doesn't know how to make that happen.

You seem to be steering everything. So fix this up quick smart or split now.

Good luck :)

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I disagree with this advice...

Good sex does NOT make a good relationship.

Good sex will NOT suddenly get a proposel.

If it was just about the sex,he would have been gone years ago.

The part where he said that he loves you more than you love him... well I said those same words once. Only to realize this was not so. It was more a matter of my fiancé being comfortable and me still being stuck in the phase childhood ideas of romance. False preconceptions of what the relationship is suppose to be.

All I can say is, do not force this onto him, or he might say he was forced into it... you might feel guilty and only bad things can come from this.

Only he knows what is going on in his mind. Chances are he is just very scared to make it official.

EDIT: Yes the above was meant to be agree...

I'm no diplomat, but a realist who deals in fact. After 9 years together, sex is hardly a deciding factor in whether to take the official step in getting married. On one side Nobabes wants children, and feels marriage is a must for that to happen. On the other side, we have her partner who is afraid to change anything for fear of moving out of his comfort zone.

The solution is somewhere between them, so the dialog has to be about having children, not getting married. Once you get to the roots of both attitude about having, and raising children, you will know how to reach a solution.

So the question for the OP is have you talked about children??

Tal I agree. On a practical note and getting back to the question of counselling,try this website: scottishmarriagecare.org.
They offer up to 6 free sessions for couples.

To others, a lack of sex to the satisfaction of one partner, is an issue to be addressed before marriage, and like every other area of human interaction, changes, and is subject to the sometimes harsh realities of life.

You either are willing to make adjustments, or your not, but if your willing to sacrifice a good relationship to get it, like you want it, go ahead, because when the hot monkey sex is gone, or diminished, what have you got left?

You can't build a long term relationship on sex, and if you try, it won't be long before your disconnected from your partner by the natural things that life throws at you. Like kids, jobs, illness, and all sorts of adversity, that changes peoples minds, feelings, and attitudes. Sex is but one area of a relationship, and as important as it may be to you, a colicy baby will change that quickly.

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Originally Posted by J. Sparks

I'd also like to put forward that a man knows, we know, if a woman is just having sex with him to make him happy.

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Ummmm, you haven't been out with any true female players YET then... let me tell you that some women can be damn convincing just to get what they want from you at that moment. Guys don't have the monopoly on that.

And yeah, I'm a guy, and I've seen more than a few like that. No offense meant towards east European women... But Russian, Ukrainian, and others from that region are quite skilled at that game.

Edited for clean up

nobabes, as someone who grew up with very poor role models for what married life should be, I would guess that his reluctance to get married probably does go back to his childhood and the marriage/parenting model his parents showed him. It may also be a reason for him to be very reluctant to have children.

I don't think he has dealt with the way he grew up. He hasn't in some ways moved past that little boy who was a victim of his parent's bad choices and actions. He may be afraid of repeating the mistakes they made including making a child's life a replay of his own upbringing. It may take counseling for him to fully understand that he is not like his parents. He doesn't have to make the same mistakes they did. He is capable of making a healthy relationship work. He has someone who is willing to work with him instead of against him to build that relationship (actually, is helping him).

I don't know what kind of stories he has heard about how his parents got together, but I can guess that he probably has been told that everything was great UNTIL they got married. He may very well equate the Wedding Day as the beginning of the end of the good part of the relationship. He may also in some way blame himself for causing problems between them.

To be honest, that you have been together for nine years says that he does care about you and probably loves you a lot. His comment about you 'not being marriage material' sounds like he was trying to protect himself by striking out at something he fears.

Bottom line is that he needs to talk to someone about the past (if a therapist is out, how about clergy?) Until he comes to terms with the past, I don't think he will plan anything for the future.

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Originally Posted by J. Sparks

I'm just giving some real male input.

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J. Sparks, I agree that this is indeed male input. I felt the same way at 17. Enjoy your bachelorhood, with this much macho it's certain to be long and varied.

As a mature man, Nobabes, I have to say you make your partner sound very very scared. Men from bad family situations notoriously feel that having their children repeat their life would be the apex of evil. They may be right. Every day I ask myself what my father would have done in a situation - and do the opposite.

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Quote by J S Sparks.
No man on this earth can go through his entire life and only want one woman to sleep with. One woman to marry and settle with YES, but not to sleep with. These guys that say the opposite are phonies.

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I could only give you one reddie for this asinine statement, but will be back with more that's guaranteed. Expressing an opinion is one thing, that's your right, disparaging others who don't agree with your misguided truth is another. This isn't a debate, its about advice so take it as it is and stop side tracking and hijacking someone else's thread.

Back to the topic at hand!!!

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Originally Posted by nobabes

My partner is so bloody strange.......lol

He's not very emotionally in touch as you may have gathered. He only ever really starts to talk about his feelings and REAL opinions after a few drinks. So anyway after a few I started to fish about (at my own peril), it all came out that he scared of marrage, scared of the actual day....the speeches, standing up in front of everyone, etc, etc. And his parents had a terrible marriage also.

I dont know whether thats just excuses or not, but he seemed quite genuine. But then I also think...surely if he really loved me he would put all that aside for one day?

Surely alot of men feel like that, but have done because they love their partners?

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Have you considered alternatives for a wedding, something smaller, more intimate. These seem like valid concerns for someone socially anxious. Maybe there is more of a compromise in order.

Amen to that-I hope she comes back soon with more input.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Edited for clean up

nobabes, as someone who grew up with very poor role models for what married life should be, I would guess that his reluctance to get married probably does go back to his childhood and the marriage/parenting model his parents showed him. It may also be a reason for him to be very reluctant to have children.

I don't think he has dealt with the way he grew up. He hasn't in some ways moved past that little boy who was a victim of his parent's bad choices and actions. He may be afraid of repeating the mistakes they made including making a child's life a replay of his own upbringing. It may take counseling for him to fully understand that he is not like his parents. He doesn't have to make the same mistakes they did. He is capable of making a healthy relationship work. He has someone who is willing to work with him instead of against him to build that relationship (actually, is helping him).

I don't know what kind of stories he has heard about how his parents got together, but I can guess that he probably has been told that everything was great UNTIL they got married. He may very well equate the Wedding Day as the beginning of the end of the good part of the relationship. He may also in some way blame himself for causing problems between them.

To be honest, that you have been together for nine years says that he does care about you and probably loves you a lot. His comment about you 'not being marriage material' sounds like he was trying to protect himself by striking out at something he fears.

Bottom line is that he needs to talk to someone about the past (if a therapist is out, how about clergy?) Until he comes to terms with the past, I don't think he will plan anything for the future.

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NAIL ON HEAD!

I completely agree with this, you talk so much sense.

My next question is how do I make him realise this problem and do something about it, when he's happy cruising along. I have brought up this point with him before but he just shrugs it off. Again, he really doesn't do emotions. And if he does he has a drink in him, and if you bring it upthe next day, he refuses to talk about it.

You cannot get him to do anything he doesn't want to. You still haven't told us how he feels about children, married, or not. If he is scared of getting married, and doesn't want kids then I don't see the point.

Maybe its time you took a break, a vacation, and rethink all your options, to see if you want another 9 years like the last 9 years.

To be honest, if he knows how you feel, then you really should remove yourself from this situation, and give him time to reach a decision on his own, without your influence.

I don't think he will do anything as long as you go along with his program. You have your own resources, use them.

(Thats the dynamite I spoke of earlier to shake him from his comfort zone)

Well, how things change!!

I think my life is about to change big time!

I was told by so many just to give him the ultimatum, as I had nothing to lose, I would then find out exactly where I stood.

Hmmm... well

That didn't quite go to plan and after I told him I wasn't completely happy as our relationship wasn't going anywhere... his words were "this relationship is sh1te"

Well that threw me and we then went to talk about breaking up and the fact that we both loved each other but wanted different things. I asked what he would do if I were to leave and walk out, he replied with 'nothing, I wouldn't fight for anyone, if a person has made their decision, that's that'.

I can't figure whether he is covering himself or whether he really means it, but that's not the point.

All in all I asked him to make a decision whether to end it now or to try something else. After 24 hours of silence, he decided that we just carry on as normal as we're settled, and he's happy to just muddle through.

Do I want that though? He said I have this picture of a fairytale in my head and that lifes not like the films. I don't expect a fairytale life, I just want a partner who loves me unconditionally.

Anyhoo, so I started all strong and now everything has just fallen back to day-to-day life, he thinks all just carries on.

So my head is telling me to go, get out while I'm young, before things turn nasty... but my heart is absolutely breaking and I have no confidence that leaving is the right decision. I don't want to be single, I don't want to start all over again and I don't think I've got much to offer now to a new relationship. Ive lost all my confidence and faith.

When he simply puts his hand out when we'r in the car my heart throbs and I realise how much I love him but at the same time I've realised he's the reason I have no confidence, over the years he's never supported me in anything I have done, he has never told me he's proud of me or anything along those lines, I rarely get any kind of compliment and I really do believe now he's taken my confidence, but I know he would never mean to do that intentionally, he's not that kind of person.

So what do I do guys, I'm really scared!

Blime,that put a different spin on things!
He sounds emotionally incompetent to me,nobabes.
How many more years is this plodding along going to last?

Personally, if someone told me the relationship we were in was sh**e I'd be out the door.

I see no proper communication here so I would have to say,time to breakup.

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Originally Posted by amicon

Blime,that put a different spin on things!
He sounds emotionally incompetent to me,nobabes.
How many more years is this plodding along going to last?

Personally, if someone told me the relationship we were in was sh**e I'd be out the door.

I see no proper communication here so I would have to say,time to breakup.

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Ooh harsh, lol. But thanks.

I do wish though that I could explain him, he is a nice guy and when he said the relationship was... he didn't mean it in a way to hurt me

Again my head is completely agreeing with you

But you were hurt and it's a hurtful thing to say.
I didn't mean to be harsh-but I have to speak it like I see it and you don't come across as being happy in this relationship.

I don't know where to start, but you know I am in your corner, I relate to this situation on such a variety of levels.

I can honestly say that until you believe in you and have confidence in yourself, you aren't going to be able to get the partner that you want out of him.

I found that while in a relationship with an emotional inapt person I was left to interrupt movements, gestures, sayings, more than getting to hear what I wanted to hear. Something directly from the heart. What I was wishing for wasn't impossible, but by my own actions I know that I pushed some of it away.

The less I felt like my partner gave, the more I over-compensated for him. It made me clingy and dependent on him for approval. The more I modified for him, to him, the less he was required to give and the more he was willing to take. It's a painful cycle.

I am always here for support and I understand parts that are hard for people to understand outside the situation. More than losing a boyfriend, it's losing the best friend that was difficult for me.

amicon, I appreciate your honesty

Justy, I completely agree, I feel the same, but I also think as well in certain ways I have grown up, and he's just not grown up with me.

Although we have bought a house together and various other advances, he still has no more responsibility than when I met him, yet I have taken on all that for the both of us, out of necessity. So yes in many ways I've compensated for him, not just for responsibility but also what you spoke of.

On from that though, I can't see a way to undo all that and get back to 'the beginning', and I really don't want to start (or at least find more things to) blaming myself. Im not saying its all his fault. I would rather not blame anyone.

But again I'm getting ahead of myself. I talk about it as if its already ended, which it hasn't because neither of us has the 'balls' to do it.

You said it best when you wrote "neither one of us have the balls to end it". Both of you have become comfortable to extent in this relationship and is settling and your living off hope. Don't be like my inlaws by staying somewhere your unhappy and eventually live like friends more than a couple because no one has the balls to leave.

Yes, it won't be easy leaving done to the house, and other things but it is doable. Change starts with you and I believe you can do.