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I get upset/mad/sad/jealous when anything other than me makes my girlfriend happy. When something other than her makes me happy she's happy for me unless she's hiding it from me. Why do I feel like this and what can I do to stop it?
We're 20 and have been dating for 14 months now and it's always bothered me a little but it's now starting to effect our relationship. What can I do?
Sounds like you don't love her at all. If you really loved your girlfriend, you would be happy that she's happy, nor matter who or what is making her happy.
As for you, you have controlling issues. It's good that you recognized this part about yourself. It's time for you to get some professional help. Go see a therapist or counsellor to help you with your self-esteem and confidence, as well as your controlling tendencies.
Had to spread the rep I wish! Well said. Many good points and a great suggestion.
I really have to agree that it does sound as if you don't really love her. Because if you did you would be happy that she is happy. What you are doing right now is turning every happy and positive event in her life into a huge negative.
I also agree that you seem to have a controlling issue and it really is good that you have recognized this problem within yourself and that you seek advice concerning it.
I would also suggest that you seek therapy in order to help yourself to get to the bottom of your issue as well as finding a solution to it.
To tell you the truth it's not every single good thing that I get mad at. It's the stuff I feel like I should be there for. Like vacations and weddings, when the only thing she can talk about is these. Yes that would be horrible if I got upset every time she was happy.
Another quick question here... I'll tell you why this came up after the answers but...
Do you think people change when they get married?
Hmm... so ANYTHING that makes her happy, and isn't you, upsets you? That's petty...Quote:
Originally Posted by fishburn7
Wait, I thought you just said... aha! I see, you're contradicting yourself!Quote:
Originally Posted by fishburn7
You're in a contradicting situation with your girlfriend. You want her to be happy, but you only want her happy when it makes you happy, in other words, when YOU make her happy. Still petty, and controlling. This is a sign of emotional instability, and possibly a personality disorder (possibly, not likely).
Okay, so it's only the big stuff that you care about? That's shallow, as even short-lived events in one's life can be as meaningful to someone else. I'd be willing to bet it IS everything, but you don't sweat the little stuff. To tell you the truth, fourteen months isn't actually that long, and you haven't been in her life very long. It is nothing compared to the twenty years that she has had her family. When she goes to parties, weddings, on vacation, or whatever, and you're not there, big deal. She was with these people up to eighteen years and ten months. Then, she is with you for fourteen months, obviously, she is going to want to spend some time with them instead of you.Quote:
Originally Posted by fishburn7
And, finally...
This could only mean one of two things.Quote:
Originally Posted by fishburn7
1: Either, whoever's wedding she was at has since taken a larger role in her life, and you're jealous.
Or
2: You want her to marry you, and want yourself to change for the better.
I hope it's the latter, because at least it shows some willingness to change, whereas if it was the former, it shows movement in the opposite direction.
If it is neither of those two possibilities, then it is completely irrelevant to the matter at hand, as far as as much as you have told us is concerned.
Either way, in my opinion, no single thing actually changes a person. It's the total collection of all that has happened to a person in their life that changes them. In the terms of a wedding, it wouldn't be the fact of "we are legally spouses now" that would change a person, but how much heart they put into planning to satisfy their significant other, what exactly happened at the wedding, the fact that they now have in-laws (gasp!), all of their family and friends' reactions to the event, and other stuff of the sort. However, this ALSO means that a traditional wedding will have MUCH more effect on the change on a person than getting hitched at a shotgun chapel one weekend in Vegas.
This isn't love, and its about you wanting her to revolve around you, it really makes me feel bad for the lady... I would want the person I am with to be happy, and if I can make them smile 4times a day I'd want something else to make them smile 100 times, you must get over this or you will turn to make her miserable as as yourself
First of all, if the two of you are serious then you need to lighten up. Don't be mad at her, say to her "I need to understand you" and because you're both young work on your relationship. Then respond "I have a problem" then take it from there. Two heads are better than one! Don't feel threatened she's yours and she will agree. Jealousy will break up people don't let it break you two. ;)
You sound kind of like my boyfriend. Not to be mean but that's a sign of emotional abuse. You need to ease up and let her be herself. If you love your girlfriend let her be happy. I'm sure she'll be much more happy if you let her do her own thing.
All these answers are really great, I really appreciate it. Since I've posted this I've already started to loosen up and relax about the issues at hand. I do love her and I do want her happy more than anything else in the world and all of this has made me realize that my life with her is more important than anything else at this point, no matter what it is...
I know in the end (3 or 4 years from now) I'm going to end up marrying her and I know this issue of mine isn't dealt with yet but it's a start and the only thing I can do now is to talk to her about it.
YOu have only been dating for 14 months, and I think it is quite natural to feel insecure in a new relationship.
You will find in the early stages, that you compare yourself to other men, other people's reactions and affects on her, how she interracts and communicates. It is natural to feel a little inadequate, or coming up short, wondering if you have done enough, said enough, expressed yourself enough so she knows how you feel about her.
I don't think this is controlling behaviour as much as I think it is just you getting to know her well enough to feel secure in your relationship. In the beginning we all put our best foot forward, and try 100% to impress, and please our partner, only to have others seemingly make greater impressions.
As time goes on, and the fact that you recognize your feelings as a potential problem, is therapy in itself. As her sincerity is unquestioned and you are certain she is being truthful, you could give her one flower picked out of a garden, and it would mean as much to her as a dozen red roses she receives from a friend.
The meaning and interpretations of behaviour, until you know a person really well, seem questionable, and it is hard to just accept things at face value. As time goes on with your girlfriend, you will hopefully see that she is the type of person you thought she was, and your insecurities will vanish. It will only get better when you realize that you can allow yourself the freedom to just accept her saying, "I love you", and know that that encompasses and means everything.
As to marriage, it is similar in that love is no different on a Friday than it is on a Monday. Making a commitment to marry should be a natural course of events that have culminated over a period. You will have the luxury of loving unconditionally, and being loved unconditionally back.
People do change, of course. Nobody can predict the future, but with a common denominator and strong communication and trust (and love), you can overcome anything that comes your way, together.
I have been married 33 years this July 17th. I can say with honesty that the man I met all those years ago and fell in love with, is still the same love as it is today. Not to say that ups and downs and knock down drag out differences of opinion haven't had us wondering about each other, but, when you start with love, respect, and communication, those things never change.
Glad you're loosening up.
As the others have pointed out, 14 months isn't that long. Give yourself time to allow the relationship to develop. You don't need to get so far ahead of yourself.
If you treat her well and she's happy, then you should be happy. You don't need to worry about so many things. Relationships are suppose to happen naturally. So just focus on enjoying the time that you spend together and things will fall into place.
But also realize that she has her own life and you can't control her actions. By wanting to control her life, you will just push her away. While she's doing her own thing, you should do your own thing as well. Even though you two are a couple, doesn't mean that you're involved in every aspect of each other's lives.
I had someone just like this in my life once and it made me grow to resent him. No matter what fun thing I talked about, good news, something new, anything at all, even hanging out with friends and something funny happened. Well he would get all quiet and mad like. After some time I just stopped talking. Why bother sharing if its just going to cause guilt. I guess what I am saying is your going to cause her to have resentment towards you. If she can't share and laugh with you about things that have happened in her life then what good are you? You're the one insecure and you need to just be happy for her or your going to lose what you love most right now.
I have been told by every older couple I've ever ran into that relationships take work..
Also, I want her to be involved in every aspect of my life.
It does take hard work. It's fine that you want her to be involved in every aspect of your life, but you cannot expect the same thing from her.Quote:
Originally Posted by fishburn7
If you don't mind her being in your life and having some sort of control over you, then that's your business, but it's unreasonable to expect the same thing from her. You have to respect her wishes. Remember, you are with her because you make her happy.
If she doesn't make you happy, while respecting her wishes, then she's not a good match for you.
Well I plan on thelling her that everything that I've done... all the being upset and sad and mad at her was because I was trying to change her, move her away from things I can't stand. And that if she wants to keep doing whatever she wants it's fine because she's her own person and makes her own choices. But there's a couple things that I can absolutely not stand in a person and she did them before me and doesn't really anymore but still holds onto a couple of them, so I'm going to tell her that I'm not going to date this kind of girl ( and list the things I can't stand) not specifically about her of course.
If you start listing the things you can not stand then that's going to put a pile of strain on your relationship. You might as well pack it up and walk away right now. Just doing that you will have her walking on egg shells thinking you hate everything she is doing. If she made choices BEFORE you that you don't like then so be it. Its before you and that doesn't matter now. Why don't you try pointing out what makes you happy and what you love most about her. I am sorry but reading your posts I just see you causing your own doom. How would you like it if she sat you down and listed what she couldn't stand. Even if its not about you, it kind of makes you wonder doesn't it??
You're right it was a bad idea.. I do need to tell her why I love her you're right and I have pleanty of reasons but when something upsets me I write it down and when it keeps happening again and again and I keep getting upset over and over again I feel like she should know why.. I have a notebook where I keep things like that and granted it's not even half a page but I feel like she needs to know and I need to tell her to get any effect. She knows these upset me but she keeps doing them for some reason. Like she completely forgets the past..
I don't think she forgets, I think she is who she is. You can't change her. I don't know what it is upsetting you so much but you can't change a person.
My husband has been doing the same darn things for years and years, even though they make me cringe. But its just him. That's who he is and I can't change him. You either have to learn to love her for who she is today and move on with her, or let her go. If you have already talked about these things with her your only going to sound like a nag.
One question, why are you so focused on the negative? That's what I don't understand. You seem so determined to change her ways and remind her of the negative rather then loving her for who she is and accepting her.
Tendencies are one thing... I understand those things like I hate the way she loads the dishwasher or puts towels in with clothes when doing the wash or eating off my plate. I understand that. All that us fine..
Why am I focusing on the negetives? I honestly don't know...
Wait maybe because I see all of her negetives growing into big huge problems when we're older? Because I picture the future and I'm going to be the happiest person alive because I have her but for some reason I see her bad habits inflating into huge irreversible problems
Have you ever thought of your bad habits?
Maybe you chew like a hog and you don't realize it. Maybe your being anal about what load to put the towels in gets on her nerves. Its all these quirks that should make you love her. If she were exactly as you wished she would be then how boring. You sound anal and controlling in a sense. Again, I see this relationship as being doomed. Nothing you said is major. Its all anal picking. Who cares about those petty things.
What's on the list by the way? The things you hate about her.
OK the list... it's down to 3 things because the rest are stupid but..
1.) drinking on weekdays.. I know it's dumb everyone does it but I can not stand it.. like absolutely can't stand it.. when I think about it it drives me nuts and my head goes crazy cause I can see it in our future..
2.) telling me other guys are hot. One time a while back she asked me if she could have one night with a celebrity that she thinks is perfect apparently which made me very mad of course.. so I told her about it and it stopped until recently. Now she tells me about hot guys everywhere and even goes as fas as... "you should look like that"
3.) treating me differently when we're with friends.. mine or hers... for example I'm in mechanical engineering at school and one of the classes I worked my off for a D, which I was very upset about because I did do all I could and still only got a D. so I told her I got a D and she said she was proud of me... until we went to a concert with our friends and probably about 6 times that night she laughed at me saying "haha you got a D" and "who's never got a D in college?"
Yes I know the actual argument sounds very childish but it's the concept of the whole thing,
Something I ligitemately feel horrible about she's poking fun at
Quote:
Originally Posted by fishburn7
The drinking on week days could just be her thing right now. Unless its out of control I wouldn't worry. Your young and have no responsibilities just yet. I don't see that as an issue just yet unless its out of control. I personally have a beer nearly every day. But I function just fine.
Telling you other guys are hot I understand. That would bother me also. But having that "what if" celebrity talk isn't such a big deal. That never going to happen. But her comparing you to others is bad for your ego just like knocking your grades.
Maybe a talk is fine about how she makes you feel. But you need to realize there might be a side to her story also. You might have issues that bother her. Leave it open and talk together. Don't talk at her about what you hate. Talk together about what bothers you and how you can fix it or grow from it.
I have brought it up before and she doesn't know why she changes when we're around our friends about the knocking the grades things.. she even cried, but that seemed to do nothing because it still happens...
With the comparing me to other guys things I bring it up and she think's it's stupid. She always hugs me and tells me I'm the sexiest guy out there while I think I'm definanitly not because of what just happened... she seems to think it's no big deal even though I've brought it up several times...
I'm thinking she changes depending on who she's around because she doesn't really know who she is?
You should be able to go out with her, and reasonably expect that she isn't going to humiliate, put you down, or get other people to laugh at you. That is a sign of a very insecure person using another person to bolster their confidence and approval rating.
When this behaviour starts to happen, and you are promised that it will stop, and she says she understands why you feel the way you do, yet she continues, that is not a sign of a very sensitive or caring person. It certainly doesn't show love toward you.
She should treat you well, regardless of who is around, or what the circumstances are.
Partners have that ability to push buttons, but there is always a purpose. To make themselves look good or superior, or show off, but it is always at someone else's expense.
After what you have said here, I think that I would be concerned too. I wouldn't want that type of person as a friend, and I surely wouldn't want her as a long term partner.
Exactly why I'm worried... she's not like this always... and she feels terrible when I bring it up, but I don't know what more to do... I need to sit down with her and just tell her about it because I know she was scared I was going to leave her.. and I'm not I know I'm not.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
She just says things like that when we're around friends...
Could this come back to her not really knowing who she is?
Not necessarilly. Most people act different depending on who they're around, it's natural. It sounds like she still digs you, no matter where you are.
Also, have you asked her if YOU act any different around other people? I find that I have done the same thing without realizing it plenty of times before, because it's natural to act one way around one person, but a completely different way around another person.
You will just have to talk it out. If she can't understand how it makes you feel or how it humiliates you then maybe she isn't the right one for you. You shouldn't have to feel belittled by the one you love.
OK even considering everyone acts differently depending on who you're around there has to be a reason why she completely forgets what upsets me and just goes on making me feel like again and again
Force of habit. How old is she? 20. That is a long time to build up habits you don't like. You cannot make a 20 year habit go away in fourteen months. It takes more time, and patience.
Maybe, when she was with all of her high school friends, they encouraged each other to get better grades by jestering at the expense of the friend who got the worst grades.
Most likely, around her friends, she would talk about "good looking" guys, and she still does it now, even when you're around.
Etc. for everything else you don't like.
Bottom line, she doesn't mean to offend you, and she is sorry. However, you need to be more patient and understanding, and give her time to adjust to you more than herself, if it really bothers you that much.
I guess the only thing I can really do is tell her again and be patient
Also, another thing you can try. When someone say something like "Have you seen the new movie with [insert actor she fancies here]?" Change the subject. Be all like "Or, how about that new comedy staring [insert actor she doesn't like here]?"
Other things just to steer the conversation away, be it about anything she talks about which you don't like. It can be an effective way to, while not pointing it out, at the same time, get your point across.
Sounds like a good idea... anything else I could probably know?
Hmm... I can think of nothing, right now. Just be patient with her, and don't get mad if she slips up occasionally because it will happen. You need to help her, if she doesn't want to offend you, because only you can be sure what will.
Others may have other suggestions though, so you'll have to wait and see.
Anyone else with other suggestions I'd love them
Hey fish I am sorry I was hard on you earlier. At first you were just sounding nit picky about things. You didn't come right out with this part of it. Now I can see how your hurting and I understand it. I would be feeling the same way.
It's fine I probably didn't explain myself clear enough.. and the last 3 days all I've been doing was thinking about this; so over the 3 days have completely changed how I see this relationship... I don't know how that will change how I act though
Well when you think on things too much you sometimes lose the clear picture.
Yeah thet's probably what's happened.. give it a few days lol
I would talk to her too, seriously this time. If you cannot communicate something as simple as how you feel when she belittles you and puts you down, how can you communicate far more serious issues that you will face as a married couple.
Maybe it is just her nature to behave this way. Will she treat any children the same?
Because it is continuing, and you need to have her stop what she is doing, that shouldn't go without some consequence.
To avoid situations in which she behaves this way to you, would be to pretty much cut out your social life. That is not a good alternative either.
I think you are on the right path in figuring out whether she is capable, and willing, to change, or not.
Sounds like you should be getting mad at yourself but projecting your mad on to her instead. Often when people do things they feel weren't what they should have done or something they should have done instead of getting mad at their own self they take it out on the ones they love.Quote:
Originally Posted by fishburn7
You need to learn to redirect your anger and be more assertive and proactive in a constructive way.
Do people change after marriage.
It depends...
1. Some people do not change and remain happily ever after married.
2. Some people do change.
3. Some people only show their good side until after they get married or think they have their partner wrapped around their finger good enough to be comfortable with letting their true colors show.
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