My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years. He's always been jelous and I always try to be the person he wants me to be, I don't go out very often, I don't speak to boys and I try not to wear revieling clothes.. but he always finds something to moan about. I know he loves me and when were not annoyed at each other we get on so well, it's magic. But although its not OK for me to speak to boys and go out for no reason etc.. He can do what the hell he want. I'm sat in on my own now because he's just gone out with his mate last minute, but he was annoyed at me yesterday for taking my friends baby to a busy park with a 'low cut top' on.
I have never cheated on him and he knows he can trust me. He is insecure because I'm a 'flirt' when I talk to some 1, I like to wear 'slutty' clothes apparently, and ALL his m8s fancy me... is this normal? Should I still be putting up with this?
We've tried talking, I say things all the time.. another issue is that he's moody because he's tierd all the time from work, and he takes it out on me.
How do I make him realise I'm never going to betray him because I love him? And it wouldn't mean I'm cheating if I go out with a short dress on and speak to a male that I know.

Hi
When in relationship women give 100% to it. From what you have mentioned I can see that effort coming. Can you tell me how much time do you spend with him and also is it quality time or just clarifications.

Forget jealous he is controlling. Tells you what to wear (control) when you can go out(control) who you may speak to (control) and when he wants to go out No problem because he controls that. If his mates fancy you then he should be happy to have a good looking FAITHFUL Girlfriend. But he is not because he has to be in control. It will never change and only get worse.

He lives with me.. we do spend quality time together, watch films, have dinner. I wouldn't say too much time though we both work and meet up with friends...

Hi

See lady there are chances that he is insecure about you since his friends fancy you. Henceforth the reaction. About clothes control desires for some time but meeting people and going out is something you can explain it to him by putting him in your shoes. You should go out and meet people love, relations are all about making life beautiful.

I've tried putting him in my shoes.. but he says thingas are different for girls beacause all men look at them and flirt. In a way I know what he means it's a guys nature, but I certainly wouldn't cheat.

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Originally Posted by phoebe123

ive tried putting him in my shoes.. but he says thingas are different for girls beacause all men look at them and flirt. in a way i know what he means its a guys nature, but i certainly wouldnt cheat.

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So by his logic he looks at and flirts with other girls since he is a guy. If you said this to him and told him you don't want him going out anymore would he stop going out? Or would he just get mad or laugh at that thought and go out?

Hi

Can you explain the characteristics of your boyfriend as in the kind of person he is. Is he out going or calm stays reserved. Is he conscious when he is with you when you both go around only you two. Did he had relation prior to this if yes then how did it end.

Ahh another thing is he doesn't flirt so he expects me not too... but I will try being controlling to him back.. that's a good 1

He is quite loud and outgoing, but a flirt or anything. That's another thing he says about me, he thinks I'm loud when I'm out and that I like attention, but I don't, I just like having fun..
He did have other relationships but he treated them all like poo, he was a player..

* not a flirt

No no no do not try being controlling back. That is playing games. I was asking that just to see what you thought his answer would be. Sorry if I gave you that impression to be controlling back.

You need to sit with him and talk about it like adults. You need to let him know that you like to wear what you want to wear. If you go out it doesn't mean that you are going to be flirting with everyone. You have to communicate with him. Get it out in the open about how you feel.

Hi

Thanks, I think he is possessive about you. Being loud is perfectly fine you believe in living life kingsize. When you guys with his friends how is the atmosphere like. How contributing is he to the conversation of the group.

Your partner is a control freak ! Take it from someone who knows the first signs - I sat for a while and thought about the warning signs here are a few... see if any ring true !

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his behaviour as signs of his love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.

Jealousy
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him. As the jealousy progresses, he may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling Behaviour
Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc. even if you told him you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.

Quick Involvement
Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him.

Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expect you to be the perfect lover, and friend. He is very dependent on you for all his needs, and may tell you he can fulfil all your needs as lover and friend. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him emotionally, practically, financially and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.

Isolation
The abuser may try to limit your social interaction. He may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He may want to live away from your family and friends without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.

Blame-shifting for Problems
Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him or preventing him from doing as they wished to.


Gender Roles
Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

Verbal Abuse
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him. He may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.

Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

Negative Attitude toward Women
Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.

Threatening Violence
This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any girlfriend of mine acted like Matthew's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him. Threats can also be less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn't live without you".


Any Force during an Argument
An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.

Were in a group of friends quite often and he is fine, he talks.. but nearer to the start of out relationship I was friendly to his m8s, not a flirt just being nice, and if he thought one of his m8s was flirting with me, then he would be quiet and basically ignore me. He has got friends now he doesn't mind me speaking to.. but I just know not to be too friendly..

Hi

The most effective solution to this problem is you take a firm stands on few things, explain the reason behind your decision as well. There is a fear in your mind as well that he will be angry since you did something against his will. Lady he loves you so how long can he be upset or angry.

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Originally Posted by sen1984

Hi

the most effective solution to this problem is u take a firm stands on few things, explain the reason behind your decision as well. there is a fear in ur mind as well that he will be angry since you did something against his will. lady he loves you so how long can he be upset or angry.

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How long can he be angry with her ????
He loves her ?????

Oh I have been there! He is trying to control every aspect of your life! Why should he dictate what you can and can't do, and what you can and can't wear? And why would you put up with it? You are your OWN person, you can do whatever you like. This guy is a spirit killer, and you should never change yourself for anyone. He is insecure and controlling and you should not put up with it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by phoebe123

ive tried putting him in my shoes.. but he says thingas are different for girls beacause all men look at them and flirt. in a way i know what he means its a guys nature, but i certainly wouldnt cheat.

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That's really dumb and controlling, nip it in the bud, and if he can't act like a grown up, leave him.

Tit for tat will never work, only make the relationship fail worse than it already is. Sit him down, talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he doesn't shape up, then you leave, and tell him that. You don't have to live life afraid to talk to people, in fear of what your boyfriend might do. Forget that, I talk to who I want, when I want. I don't flirt, I don't cross lines, but I do engage in conversations, social interaction is healthy and needed for a good center.

You said he was a player before, that could be why he is like this, because he knows he used to cheat, so why can't his girlfriend?

Girlfriend, your first mistake, besides sticking with someone who is so controlling, is trying to change who you are to please someone else.

You want someone to love you for, well... YOU! Compromising on some things is different than trying to completely change every aspect of you. Not going out? Not ever talking to anyone of the opposite sex? Not wearing what you want to wear?

This guy doesn't love you. This guy loves the fact you let him use you as his own personal living doll. He obviously doesn't trust you, doesn't respect your opinions, or care about what's best for you.

And more than likely, the only time your relationship is "magical" is when you're doing exactly what he wants you to do. BAH! Drop this loser. He makes me queasy, and I haven't even met the guy!