Ask Me Help Desk - He lies about absolutely everything

He lies about absolutely everything - why?

Hi All

I'm wondering if you kind people could help me, I'm in a big dilemma. My ex boyfriend lies about everything from where he has been to who he is with.

Basically, we split up 2 years ago and since then he has been wanting to get together but then I find out about his lies, he asked me to get back together in October last year and then I found out he had a long distance girlfriend. He told me he was going on a trip and it turned out to be visit her, needless to say I was gutted.

In May he asked to get back together again, I then found out he was asking this girl (lets call her Jane) to go on holiday with him, when I asked him he said it was true but they were just mates then a couple of weeks later I found out they slept together. He told me he was drunk and it was a mistake, that it was me he loved etc etc.

He has text me recently saying that he loves me and that he wants us to be together, I asked if he was with Jane and he said no. I then found out that he is seeing the girl I thought he was!! I found out as her Facebook account says she's in a relationship with him.

He just lies to me all the time, asking me to get back together but at the same time being in a relationship. He knows that I love him, this is tearing me apart. What should I do?

Extreme harshness warning

It's really difficult to help yourself if you love him regardless of all his lies.

He's a liar, that's just who he is. But who are you? It sounds like you have a self-esteem and confidence problem.

Have more self-respect. You don't need to associate yourself with someone like that. Get some professional help for your confidence problem.

Stop talking to him. Block him out of your life or else you can never move on with your life. You've already put 2+ years of your life on hold for this guy, it's enough. There are nicer people in this world. Why don't you go meet some...

As much as you want him to be telling you the truth, he does not. Do not take his calls or texts. Do not read emails from him. Stay away from Facebook for a while. He is toxic. You need space and sanity. His issues, "Jane" can have.

Take care of yourself. Don't take any more of his poison.

I wish, thanks for your response, I haven't sat around waiting for him, he comes in and out of my life as he pleases, he just knows that I do love him.

I know deep down that I can do better, I feel for his girlfriend really, she thinks the son shines out his a$$ and all the time he is telling me he loves me.

I know that I could never trust him and without trust then its impossible to have a relationship. He has told my friend that he enjoys playing mind games and that he is good at it, I personally don't know what kind of perosn admits to that and is proud of that fact.

Move on with your life... without him. His using you--simple. Don't waste anymore time on him. There's plenty of fish in the sea. Go fishing!

This sounds like a bad situation period. If he loved you so much he wouldn't lie to you. If anything, he would be straight forward and honest to show you how much he has changed.
You need to get yourself esteem up and forget him. You can find someone better who will love you and treat you with more respect then he does. Why would you want to stay with someone so dishonest. You will always wonder what's true or not and never have trust. A good relationship needs trust.

Quote:

Originally Posted by simoneaugie

As much as you want him to be telling you the truth, he does not. Do not take his calls or texts. Do not read emails from him. Stay away from Facebook for a while. He is toxic. You need space and sanity. His issues, "Jane" can have.

Take care of yourself. Don't take any more of his poison.

My friend text him ttelling him that we found out that he is seeing "Jane" and he went silent for a couple of days!! My friend told my ex that he is making me ill with these lies. When he found this out he text me and asked if I'm taking pills because of him? I've not answered his text, that was 3 days ago.

Im just so hurt and upset I don't know what to do

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

My friend text him ttelling him that we found out that he is seeing "Jane" and he went silent for a couple of days !!!!! my friend told my ex that he is making me ill with these lies. When he found this out he text me and asked if im taking pills because of him? ive not answered his text, that was 3 days ago.

Im just so hurt and upset i dont know what to do

Don't answer his texts, calls or visits. Its been 3 days you said. That's a good start to NC. The longer you go the easier it will be to move on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

This sounds like a bad situation period. If he loved you so much he wouldnt lie to you. If anything, he would be straight forward and honest to show you how much he has changed.
You need to get your self esteem up and forget him. You can find someone better who will love you and treat you with more respect then he does. Why would you want to stay with someone so dishonest. You will always wonder whats true or not and never have trust. A good relationship needs trust.

Thanks for your response sunflower, his girlfriend (apparently she is an old friend of his) was told that he tells lies etc etc an she chose not to believe people. I thought should I tell her about her boyfriend wanting to get together with me but then it just makes me look like the bitter ex and I don't want that. Plus I really don't want the hassle of it all. She was warned months ago what he was like and how he cheats but she says that she is a good gudge of character??

STOP getting updates from your friends about him. You're just prolonging your pain and suffering.

You need to go into extreme no contact. You pretty much have to erase him from your life. Block him from email, social networks, IMs, etc. If your friends respected your well-being, they would help you keep him out of your life entirely. He's making your life too difficult.

You should be out meeting new people and having fun with friends. Not misery.

You've been broken for 2 years and hearing that he's seeing someone is making you ill? Why? He's free to do what he wants whether it's lying or shaving his head.

Unfriend them both of Facebook and delete the text messages.

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

thanks for your response sunflower, his gf (apparently she is an old friend of his) was told that he tells lies etc etc an she chose not to believe people. I thought should I tell her about her bf wanting to get together with me but then it just makes me look like the bitter ex and i dont want that. Plus tbh I really dont want the hassle of it all. She was warned months ago what he was like and how he cheats but she says that she is a good gudge of charachter ???????

I personally wouldn't tell her anything. Maybe that's wrong of me to think that way but I would leave that mess to her. Don't get in to this big triangle of he said/she said.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

STOP getting updates from your friends about him. You need to go into extreme no contact. You pretty much have to erase him from your life. Block him from email, social networks, IMs, etc. If your friends respected your well-being, they would help you keep him out of your life entirely. He's making your life too difficult.

You should be out meeting new people and having fun with friends. Not suffering.

You are right I wish, I did NC with him for 3 months, but its like the 3 month rule, after this time he drops me a text and tries to worm himself into my life. He says all the right things and I fall for it every time. I need to be stronger I know but its so hard

Erase any evidence of his existence. I'm sorry you have to do this, but extreme situations require extreme measures.

Change your number if you have to. Otherwise, instead of putting his name there, just but "looser" or something. If you see the looser sending you a text message, then have a friend or family member help you erase the message before you read it.

You have to believe that you are better off without him in any part of your life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

I personally wouldnt tell her anything. Maybe thats wrong of me to think that way but I would leave that mess to her. Dont get in to this big triangle of he said/she said.

That's hat I think sunflower, as much as id like to wipe the smile off her face its hassle that I don't need or an tbh. Ive seen pics of them on Facebook and it makes me sick. Im not friends with either of them so from now on can't see anything. Ive also blocked them so they can't find me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

Erase any evidence of his existence. I'm sorry you have to do this, but extreme situations require extreme measures.

Change your number if you have to. Otherwise, instead of putting his name there, just but "looser" or something. If you see the looser sending you a text message, then have a friend or family member help you erase the message before you read it.

You have to believe that you are better off without him in any part of your life.

I don't have his number in my phone, I deleted that ages ago, I just can remember his number off the top of my head unfortunately!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

i dont have his number in my phone, i deleted that ages ago, i just can remember his number off the top of my head unfortunatley !!!!

Get a new number.

Otherwise, that's why I suggested that you save his number under "looser" or something. It doesn't matter if you memorize his number, just give your phone to someone else to delete the text message so you don't have to read that sh*t.

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

Hi All

Im wondering if youkind people could help me, im in a big dilemma. My ex boyfriend lies about everything from where he has been to who he is with...

What should I do?

He's an ex for a reason, and I guess this is why.

You're not with him so he can't be held responsible for anything he does and he knows this, which is why he lies and doesn't feel bad about lying to you.

Cut off all contact with him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

thats hat i think sunflower, as much as id like to wipe the smile off her face its hassle that i dont need or an tbh. Ive seen pics of them on facebook and it makes me sick. Im not friends with either of them so from now on can't see anything. Ive also blocked them so they can't find me.

That's one good step that you took them off your Facebook. You don't need to see it. Its not worth the hurt.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

He's an ex for a reason, and I guess this is why.

You're not with him so he can't be held responsible for anything he does and he knows this, which is why he lies and doesn't feel bad about lying to you.

Cut off all contact with him.

Your right, he doesn't see what he is doing is wrong? He knows I love him and in the past I've fell for his crap but I'm feeling a bit stronger now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Thats one good step that you took them off your facebook. You dont need to see it. Its not worth the hurt.

How could someone who says they love you and would die for you treat you this way? I just don't understand? Do you think he doesn't love me? I know they say actions speak louder than words.

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

how could someone who says they love you and would die for you treat you this way? i just dont understand? do you think he doesnt love me? i know they say actions speak louder than words.

If he loved you he would not treat you this way. He is a player, a user, a loser. Leading you on. Don't fall for it. They are just words. Actions do speak louder then words and he is acting like an arse. Your stepping in the right direction staying away from him.

How old are you Louise?

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

how could someone who says they love you and would die for you treat you this way? i just dont understand? do you think he doesnt love me? i know they say actions speak louder than words.

You are asking the wrong questions.
“Quality questions create a quality life. Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers.
Anthony Robbins

Everything will change the only question is growing up or decaying.

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

how could someone who says they love you and would die for you treat you this way? i just dont understand? do you think he doesnt love me? i know they say actions speak louder than words.

I think it was Churchill who once said "People often say what they mean, but rarely mean what they say".

Your ex is a case in point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

How old are you Louise?

I'm 31 needkarma

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

im 31 needkarma

31? For real? Your dealing with these childish games at 31? No offense please but I was thinking much younger. Leave him to his immaturity. You don't need that. Move on and find a man that can treat you like a woman and not a school girl. A man who knows what a relationship is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

31? For real? Your dealing with these childish games at 31? No offense please but I was thinking much younger. Leave him to his immaturity. You dont need that. Move on and find a man that can treat you like a woman and not a school girl. A man who knows what a relationship is.

Sunflower thanks for the advice, I'm not moping around after this guy, I have my own house, a degree as well as a Masters. The ex lives at home at aged 30 (need I say more really!! ) I've got a good job, lots of friends the only thing that's screwing it up is the ex!! :(:(:(

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

sunflower thanks for the advice, im not moping around after this guy, i have my own house, a degree as well as a Masters. The ex lives at home at aged 30 (need i say more really!!!) ive got a good job, lots of friends the only thing thats screwing it up is the ex !!!!! :(:(:(

If he's the only screwed up part of your life, then get rid of him. Block him out of your life.

Quote:

He has told my friend that he enjoys playing mind games and that he is good at it, I personally don't know what kind of person admits to that and is proud of that fact.

A dirty lowdown rat that likes to torture people.

I agree with the others, you need to erase him from your life. Totally ignore the fool.

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

sunflower thanks for the advice, im not moping around after this guy, i have my own house, a degree as well as a Masters. The ex lives at home at aged 30 (need i say more really!!!) ive got a good job, lots of friends the only thing thats screwing it up is the ex !!!!! :(:(:(

No no no no, the ex isn't screwing it up. He is screwing it up. You sound like you have your life together. Snap out of his little game and find someone on the same level as you.

Is it possible to love someone so much but know that you will never be together because of there lies?

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

is it possible to love someone so much but know that you will never be together because of there lies?

There are endless possibilites if you act instead of react, every time he reaches out to you stop reacting, and start acting to not put yourself in an emotional rollercoaster.

Love him from a distant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by louiseismyname

is it possible to love someone so much but know that you will never be together because of there lies?

You seem so insecure right now. Your emotionally dependent on him and its draining you. You need to have NC and stick it out.

Do yourself a favor,and when it gets hard,think of the girl he slept with,then came running to you after.

That is very F*** up.

And I've been in that position,but didn't realize it until after.

If he can do it to her,he can do it to you,how do you know you're the only one he ~loves~?

Get in contact with her if you need some support.

Get over the idle jealousy and lean on someone who understands (if possible)

If you do contact her for any reason, do it for your own closure and nothing else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

If you do contact her for any reason, do it for your own closure and nothing else.

If I'm truthful I don't want to go and tell the girl about the lying scumbag she is with, he will think that I care enough to go and find her if I do!!
Its day 4 of no contact, its really really hard, but when I'm down I think of the time he slept with the girl he told me he was just mates with and I know I can do better than to be with someone like that.

Louise think more of yourself than that. Who care who he sleeps with and who cares what he does. Forget him, your setting yourself up for hardache. You don't need this guy. He's a dishonest and he isn't worth your time.

I would ask why you continue to 'love' someone that is clearly toxic and that consistently lies to you?

You sound as if some of your life is healthy and stable - you're an adult, not a teenager - so what is it about your connection to this person that keeps you in such pain and angst?

In your heart you know he's not worth your thoughts, time and affection. In your heart you know that even if you had him he wouldn't be trustworthy - why do you continue to obsess about him?

He's proven time after time that he's not to be trusted, he lies and he cheats - yet you still yearn for him. Why? What is it within you that keeps you connected to him?

Think a little more deeply about your motivation in staying connected to this person after such a long time. What is it within you that seeks this distress? If you can find the answer you may find it easier to literally erase him from your thoughts and your life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemini54

I would ask why you continue to 'love' someone that is clearly toxic and that consistently lies to you?

You sound as if some of your life is healthy and stable - you're an adult, not a teenager - so what is it about your connection to this person that keeps you in such pain and angst?

In your heart you know he's not worth your thoughts, time and affection. In your heart you know that even if you had him he wouldn't be trustworthy - why do you continue to obsess about him?

He's proven time after time that he's not to be trusted, he lies and he cheats - yet you still yearn for him. Why? What is it within you that keeps you connected to him?

Think a little more deeply about your motivation in staying connected to this person after such a long time. What is it within you that seeks this distress? If you can find the answer you may find it easier to literally erase him from your thoughts and your life.

I thought id give you all an update (I hope you don't mind). Its day 5 of no contact now, its been a lot easier than the previous times of NC as I think this time the nature of how he treats me has really hit home. Im not a little teenager that thinks I deserve this treatment, I'm a grown woman with my own house, nice car, good kob and lots of friends that knows she deserves better. But when he texts I go all weak and tell him that I love him too?? Im trying to be strong this time, I'm not even bothered anymore about him being with someone (at one point in time that thought would have killed my heart) so does this mean that I'm starting to heal and move on??

Im not sat around waiting for him, I'm living my life to the full, id never put my life on hold for anyone. Its like someone commented on here and I've said myself before, even if I did get back together with him (which won't happen) id just be constantley looking over my shoulder and wondering what lies he was telling me and that's not a healthy adult relationship. So why do I yern for him? Ive not got sky high confidence but then again my confidence is not that low, if I could understand why I yern for a guy that is no good for me then maybe I could snap out of this situation.

Any ideas of why I yern for this bad guy would be appreciated, that's for keeping with this thread, I really appreciate all your help and advice

Louise xx