Hey all!

As some of you possibly know I resently broke up with my girlfriend.
No I just have one question.
Many people here have told me to MOVE ON!

And I have! :D
Not to a new girl or anything yet but I will... in time :)

But I dicided not to make any uneeded contact with her for a loong time.
One, for making it easier to move on and second because it gives us a Slightly bigger chanse of us getting back together later in our life...
Not sure on the second point here but I think it is true...


Now for my question...
Since I don't want contact with her I don't call or email her ANYTHING at all now.
Haven't done it for a loong time and I won't for a much looonger time either.

But what do I do when she writes to me on MSN?
I can't just NEVER answer her then shell call me and ask what's up...
Its not that she writes to me everyday or anythign but sometimes...
So should I answer and talk to her for shorter moments..
Or be very hard and delet her?

Wonder

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Originally Posted by Wonder1984

But what do I do when she writes to me on MSN?
I can't just NEVER answer her then shell call me and ask whats up...
Its not that she writes to me everyday or anythign but sometimes...
So should I answer and talk to her for shorter moments..
Or be very hard and delet her?

Wonder

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You should not answer her on MSN or answer her phone calls. You are broken up, therefore the relationship is broken. All ties must be broken too.

I understand you feel like you are being hard when you delete her, but you are only being true to yourself. To completely heal from a broken relationship, you must not have any contact whatsoever. Otherwise she still remains a part of your life.

You are doing good. You can do this.

When she IM's you, wait a while then give her a short response. Nothing more than that unless she actually starts calling you and showing some real interest.

Put a lot of time between her contact and you responding, this is your time to heal so make sure your comfortable with your responses and stick by your guns and don't even let her think she can just come in and rip at your heart ever again. Personally I believe that after a while you'll find you no longer want to go back.

I just wouldn't respnd at all.

Flat out.

No contact now isn't so you will one day get back together.

It is over. Don't talk to her at all either on the phone or on MSN. Just ignore her or delete the contact.

It will be best for you.

One day maybe down the track you can get back in contact with her but right now I wouldn't respond at all!

Ohhh my god this is so hard!
I don't think I have the strength to delet her...
I think she would take that to well either...

And isn't that a way of asying Im wounerable as in having to block her out completley just to be able to get over her..

And she wants to give me a birthday present now to... justb turned 21... :P


Should I tell her not to get me one or just not care and say a quick thanks when I get it or what!

I want to get over her... not be a total ***...


Thanks so much


Wonder

NO CONTACT..
What is getting a present of her going to achieve?
It will only hurt you more.

It is hard. No one said it was easy. But it will get harder if you make excuses to contact her and have her in your life. Trust me here. I know. I did what you want to do. Contact her for petty sh1t thinking that it will bring her back.

Doesn't work.

You just need to have no contact. I can't stress this enough.

I dount you'll have the strength to do it though. Not many do. Including me! But you havbe to.

Prove me wrong. Delete her contact and move forward!

No presents. None.

Thanks for all you help guys!
But this still troubles me... sorry for being anoying... just can't drop this yet...

I mean we both still love each other but the distance between us was too much for her.
Yes I know this screams GET AWAY FROM HER! Since she obviously doesn't love me as much as I love her.
BUT... Since we still love each other... is it still a good idea to stop ALL contact?
Seems so rude to me... but I don't know... never happened to me before.. never loved anyone as much ever in my life...

And if I don't have any contact with her...
Should I just ignore her or should I tell her that its best if we don't talk for a while...


About the present, So should I say to her:
"NO! I dont want your present!"

I don't think I can do that... that would just be mean and hurt her feelings... wouldnt it?



Thank you SOOO much for all your help!

The reason why many here keep telling you to move on is because if you remain in contact with her, she still has influence over you. Being in her life in any way shape or form is going to make you an emotional wreck.

It seems like you can no longer just be her friend without putting your heart aside. This is why contact with her is so dangerous.

Before you decide to move on (we can share with you what we think you should do but in the end, the choice is left up to you), you might want to consider telling her that you no longer wish to speak to her or have her in your life any longer, one being that it seems like it may be too painful for you. I am only suggesting this because you're worrying about being rude to her. However, if you explain this all to her, you risk the chance of her influencing you to stay. So you should consider your options carefully.

Maybe you guys still want to be friends, but consider the price you may or may not pay for still trying to be friends. You have to decide what works best for you here, if you can handle the pain and suffering this may cause your heart because you can handle the idea of no longer being just more than friends, then be friends only. If you feel you're too attached (which it seems like you still are) move on. No being friends. No contact whatsoever like many have already said.

You are the only one that can decide here what works best for you, even if many of us think moving on is really the best thing for you. You can take our advice or leave it, but think about your emotions. Think about how being just friends with her is going to make you feel, what it is going to do to you.

You'll be able to know what is best for you by understanding your own emotions letting them guide you through this situation, along with the advice given to you.

Yea thanks... that made it clear :)
NO contact since that is the best chance for us to get together in the future and it won't hurt as much.

Still wondering about this DAMN present :P
Cause even if I don't want contact and don't want he rto give it to me... she is still going to want to give it to me...
So what do I do about that?


Thank you all so much again!

Don't see her. Avoid. Return it. Just say it's not really appropriate at this time.

BTW - only time will heal this one way or the other. AND being busy.

"People want wha tthey can't have" - she seems to totally have you. This is why the no contact and NOT accepting presents is sppropriate here. Do not allow her to give you anything.

No contact because it's healthier for you in the long run, emotionally. It seems like you want to do this because you think it is possible to get back together. Don't do this for that reason, true or not, do this because you feel it is best for you and for no other reason than that. You're going to make yourself heartbroken and disappointed if you both don't get back together, because you must try and understand that this may turn out to be what happens. Close the door if you're going to close and don't try to reopen it with her again if you decide to do this.

As for the present, in my opinion, taking it will not help in your favor. It's okay to say that you appreciate the thought, but that you do not wish to accept it, no thank you. (If you in fact take the advice of others here and let her go, with no contact.)

I know it is hard to let go, but there are many more girls out there. Don't limit yourself just to her because you fell for her. You can find love for yourself again. Don't close your heart to love just because this relationship didn't work out for you. You can find a new love and you will be able to get over her, but it's going to take time and healing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wonder1984

Hey all!

As some of you possibly know I resently broke up with my girlfriend.
No I just have one question.
Many people here have told me to MOVE ON!

And I have! :D
Not to a new girl or anything yet but I will... in time :)

But I dicided not to make any uneeded contact with her for a loong time.
One, for making it easier to move on and second because it gives us a Slightly bigger chanse of us getting back together later in our life...
Not sure on the second point here but I think it is true...


Now for my question...
Since I don't want contact with her I don't call or email her ANYTHING at all now.
Haven't done it for a loong time and I won't for a much looonger time either.

But what do I do when she writes to me on MSN?
I can't just NEVER answer her then shell call me and ask what's up...
Its not that she writes to me everyday or anythign but sometimes...
So should I answer and talk to her for shorter moments..
Or be very hard and delet her?

Wonder

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hey i really good at this so i think you should take this i believe that she wants to talk to you and be your friend so if she writes you act like nothing is happen since you have moved on she has probally to so just act like nothin has happy

write me back what happens

Okay then...
I guess I will take your advice... walking away from the love of my life
I know I am vey young and still have got a lot ahead
So Im going to look at this in the positive way...

But I will still always be trouble and asking myself what would have happened if I had told her that I wanted her back or just remaind friends...

But now I will cut her out of my life...

One last question.
I've gotten a feeling that she still likes and loves me.
So hypotheticaly... <--(probly spelled wrong)
What should I do if she asks for me back?
Maybe she says... ive feelt that no other guy is like you and I miss you or something like that... and she wants to try again...
What then?
What's the smartes move?

Thanks again all for your help!



Wonder

In rereading your post you want to move on. Yet all your questions and concerns are about what she does. HHMMMM. Make a decision and stick to it. You definitely need to to get your personal act together or you will always be confronted and controlled by those who can sense you don't really know what you want, or how to get it. Concern yourself with your actions and don't speculate about what some one else may do or say. If you knew what it is you stood for then you would stand firm on that decision.

From what I have seen of the world an honorable person doesn't use breaking up as a way of expressing disapproval of some aspect of a relationship. That is what communication is for before the breakup -- unless you are an inexperienced teenager who doesn't know any better but then it wasn't a real relationship to begin with but more like a little crush or experimenting, not something too serious.

A person who lives in reality doesn't accept breaking up as a kind of "relationship recess" where everyone gets to regroup hoping that when the break is over you are both on the same page. It's a break up, not a break. If it was worth ending it for, its worth remaining ended for. Besides, there are no reset buttons in life--that is especially true of relationships. Time marches on and people always have feelings which are changing every day. Suspension is something a bad student gets and intermission is for theater.

A sincere person means what they say and keeps their promise, which includes breaking up. Anything less than that is a game that players do. And it wins them player playmates too -- trust me those come in both genders and in abundant supply too.

If this is really over (and like others I am not sure it is for you) then its over. All humans needs to grieve loss like that starting from the very moment it ended. Delaying it, denying it, messing around with it, trying to blur the definitions or soften the edges-- only yields more heart ache than what a person was originally in for. I can't tell you the times I have seen that verified by the actions of others, including myself originally until someone said these things to me too. Its like do you rip that bandaid off in one painful motion or do you do it one hair at a time? Broken hearts actually work in a very similar way.

Like others have said, ending it begins a process of healing that has to exclude the other person to be effective. In fact, its strongly recommended that you stay out of all other girlfriend type relationships for a while. Rebounds rarely work and almost guarantee you will maximize the baggage you take into the next relationsip -- those are directly related. Grieve it now or grieve it later but it will be grieved.

Take your time. Learn the lesson. Hang out with your friends, especially your buds. And remind yourself you are somewhat fragile at this time (sorry, guys too on this) since all grief does that to people. Be good to yourself in ways that are without girls. Later on you'll be wiser, smarter, experienced, resilient, disciplined (and believe it or not more handsome to some people - I kid you not!) and with a much greater appreciation for how this works. You'll be amazed at what a difference it will make in the next relationship you enter. It will bring a whole different kind of potential partner to you when you are able to naturally radiate all those things.

I am sorry for your loss, Wonder. Its your choice but I assure you I speak the truth as plainly here as I can for you to do with what you wish.

(Sorry to be so long winded -- I guess it stored up a bit in my absence LOL)

Thanks guys and girls...


I know so little of life

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wonder1984

Thanx guys and girls...


I know so little of life

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We all know so little of life. It is about how we choose to learn about it though.
There is an oppurtunity here for you to do some learning. Don't waste it!

Yes we do and yes I will and a&#180;have learnt a lot from this.
Thank you so much guys and girls! :)
Specially that last comment by "valinors_sorrow".
Really really cleard things up for me... thanx! :)

Just one last thing though :P
Now that I will delete her from my cellphone, MSN etc.
Won't she be offended by this?

SImple answer to that Wonder

If she isn't, who cares, its over.
If she is, who cares, its over.

The ONLY reason I could see for keeping it is so you know its her if and when she calls so you can AVOID answering it.
In your case, you have to ask yourself if you have that kind of discipline. If not then delete it and if she calls, oh well.

Either way, you need to avoid talking to her so do what supports that and to H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS with her, okay?

Ohh I have discipline... if anyone does...
I just have to tell myself to do it... ill do what ever is needed to be done.

Okay but why is it so important for me not to talk to here if it is over?
You men for myself being... asin being able to move on and starting a new life?
Because then it would be great if I could be friends with her later in my life...
She is after all a great person...


Thanks!

You'll have lots of great friends, Wonder.

Besides, I think its human nature that unless there is a big exterior motive like children or mutual employment, most people are not capable of setting aside enough of what happened to make friendship really possible. It totally denies the sense of hurt, disappointment and loss that stays with you for a far longer time than you might realise -- it just gets more and more muted. At best we seem to strike a kind of oddly once-intimate but now distant or guarded acquaintanceship with each other as ex's. And that's a long way from friendship, in my book. That and most people, I think, decide that this is someone who got to their heart, it didn't work out and it never will. Another shot at it will make the same outcome, so that makes a lot of motive for guarding their hearts too. Friends are not people you have good reason to guard your heart from. This in not to say an ex is an enemy nor should they be treated badly. Trashing an ex is an copperplate engraved invitation to bad karma LOL. Its just there are friends, there are lovers and well, there are ex's. Capice?

I just don't think it's a good idea to stay in touch - I bet $1 million you would be hurt if you saw her with another guy.

It's awkward - espcially if you have feelings for her.

It sounds as if there are some things from this relationship that you wish to hold on to. That's understandable. Let go though so that you may have a chance to evaluate and get over this relatonship. The fact that you don't want to offend her and remain a friend is cool but now is the time to think of you, so no contact and let the chips fall where they may for the future.

Hmm as a girl replying I would like to suggest another approach.I was going to suggest it to Skell yesterday but had no time.. But as ye are the relationship experts perhaps ye disagree!!

If you tell her you don't want the present she is going to think that you are still harbouring resentment against her for breaking up. Well this is not what you want right?
You are ready to move on but you would like her back, right?

So she needs to see a happy you. She needs to see you happy without her who is totally over the break up. Maybe men are not so good at pretending ;-) but Tell her oh well that's life , its probbaly for the best, we were not meant for each other, lets be friends. Else mention some other girls name. I tell you women react to jealousy or aloofness like nothing else. She will see you as moving on and not caring about her and I bet that will get her coming back.

Of course I have not read your reasons for the breakup so maybe there are other issues that need to be addressed first.

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Of course I have not read your reasons for the breakup so maybe there are other issues that need to be addressed first.

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Just me , but I have to read the entire thread before bringing forth an opinion. You must be pretty good to just jump in with advice without the facts. Hats off to ye

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

You'll have lots of great friends, Wonder.

Besides, I think its human nature that unless there is a big exterior motive like children or mutual employment, most people are not capable of setting aside enough of what happened to make friendship really possible. It totally denies the sense of hurt, disappointment and loss that stays with you for a far longer time than you might realise -- it just gets more and more muted. At best we seem to strike a kind of oddly once-intimate but now distant or guarded acquaintanceship with each other as ex's. And that's a long way from friendship, in my book. That and most people, I think, decide that this is someone who got to their heart, it didn't work out and it never will. Another shot at it will make the same outcome, so that makes a lot of motive for guarding their hearts too. Friends are not people you have good reason to guard your heart from. This in not to say an ex is an enemy nor should they be treated badly. Trashing an ex is an copperplate engraved invitation to bad karma LOL. Its just there are friends, there are lovers and well, there are ex's. Capice?

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This post is so so true. Everything you described here Val is just so right. I am feeling them now. Im in the moment and can tell you wonder that this is exactly right.

Friendship is pretty much out of the question.

You'll work it out and you will both find a position where you are comfortable in the future.

Thank you all for your extrem kindness and will to help!
I love you guys! More off you on this earth!

Here is what I discided to do...
I will take her present... as a sign of that I am not an .
Other than that I will delete her from my life...
But as rol said... I will not just Totally rejekt her from my life...
That would just take away a great person from my life...
So now I will just speak as little as possible to her and when I do see her
Ill just say (as rol said) that it is what it is now... just didn't work out... that's the way it is... ohh welll...


One question again though... If she comes up to me while I'm home or what vere and asks
Why don't you ever talk to me or take contact with me?

What should I say then?

Why are you worrying about all this stuff that is totally out of your control?

Deal with it IF it ever happens.

Tell her the truth. And that is because you've moved on and have a busy and exciting life and didn't give it a thought.. Besides she hasn't contacted you. It's a two way street.

Now wouldn't that be a nice feeling to have. I suggest you work towards being able to say that to her.

You won't though if you keep wondering about all this cr@p.

I have to say too. I don't see the point in taking her a present. Why?

If she thinks your some sort of monster because you didn't well that is her problem. Not yours.

I don't think it is sinking in to you wonder. I really don't!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wonder1984

One question again though.... If she comes up to me while im home or what vere and asks
Why dont you ever talk to me or take contact with me?

What should I say then?

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What would you say to a slightly pesky cousin that you don't really feel comfortable around? Say that.

<<Just me , but I have to read the entire thread before bringing forth an opinion. You must be pretty good to just jump in with advice without the facts. Hats off to ye
>>

HA HA, well he took my advice after all so it must not have been so bad ;-)
Actually I meant I skimmed through the thread , and saw she broke up because of distance but didn't see any other reason.

If she calls eventually and asks why you didn't call her, tell her you have been very busy. No need to explain further.
You sound like a nice guy, it's a pity as women in the 20s do not like nice guys, I know from experience... however after she goes out in the dating world and gets stung from all those non nice guys out there , she may soon be in contact again, that's why I say if you like her leave the door kind of open... but of course you may well have found someone else by then..