Ask Me Help Desk - Did she cheat?

Did she cheat?

I have been with my partner for 10 years on Sunday I found e-mail evidence that back in 2001 she had been seeing some one for drinks with other friends and was meant to meet him on a Sunday but did not make it.
She then sent him a mail saying she was sorry she didn't exchanged phone numbers and told him she wanted to get to know him more and meet again although it would be difficult for her.
I have confronted her on this and she swears blind that nothing ever happened and she only ever loved me.
But why did she do this? And why keep the -mails for 8 years?
Please can some one offer advise we are sue to go away this Sunday on holiday with my 2 children from previous marriage but can I trust her

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unsureoflife

I have been with my partner for 10 years on Sunday I found e-mail evidence that back in 2001 she had been seeing some one for drinks with other friends and was meant to meet him on a sunday but did not make it.
She then sent him a mail saying she was sorry she didn't exchanged phone numbers and told him she wanted to get to know him more and meet again although it would be difficult for her.
I have confronted her on this and she swears blind that nothing ever happened and she only ever loved me.
but why did she do this? and why keep the -mails for 8 years?
please can some one offer advise we are sue to go away this sunday on holiday with my 2 children from previous marriage but can I trust her

Life is not about what happens to us but how we react to it.
If you would have never found the email you would still be in a trusting relationship or were you ever in a 100% trusting relationship.
How did this email surface? Were you going through her emails?
She told you what happened, and it's beyond me to answer why she kept 8 year old emails. Did you ask her that. I don't think it would be fair on my part to make assumptions. With a very vague email,
Have you had doubts about her cheating or felt untrusting in a way that would make you snoop through her emails. Seems to me you were not too trusting to "suddenly" stumble upon and 8 year old email, you must have really been digging or it was just a coincidence.

No it was a coincidence that we share the same PC and she had left herself logged on and I only found it when I thought I was on my mail then yes my curosity got the better of me there wher in fact 6 mails wich my partner showed me and says she don't know why she kept them and she don't know why she done it

On one hand,it was eight years ago.

On another hand because it was eight years ago,and she kept them,the person must be special.

Do you know who they are? Easier to make assumptions that way.

And I don't mean 'just some guy' You need a better explanation then that from her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unsureoflife

No it was a coincidence that we share the same pc and she had left herself logged on and i only found it when i thought i was on my mail then yes my curosity got the better of me there wher infact 6 mails wich my partner showed me and says she dont know why she kept them and she dont know why she done it

Well let me ask you a question, What do you want to do? What will make you feel better? She says nothing happened. DO you want to move on from this, or keep dwelling on what you think could have happened with her and someone else 8 years ago? Which is quite some time, People change tremendously from 8 years.

Ultimately, do you believe her when she says nothing happened? Did the emails imply that there was ever a suspicion of intimacy? Or was it just like a drink type of thing.

So your advise is if she did cheat on me 8 years ago that's OK because it was in the past?
And is it not intimate to say you want to get to know some one better and meet them but its difficult for her at the moment?
I know I asked for help but I am not the one to blame here.
And no I can not believe her at this present moment so shall I just chuck 10 years and the rest of my life away

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unsureoflife

So your advise is if she did cheat on me 8 years ago that's ok because it was in the past?
and is it not intimate to say you want to get to know some one better and meet them but its difficult for her at the moment?
I know I asked for help but I am not the one to blame here.
And no I can not believe her at this present moment so shall I just chuck 10 years and the rest of my life away

Slow down turbo, I did not give you advice, at all, I just asked questions, to gain more insight on what you want to do, as we can't make decisions for you. I think I left out maybe one question mark, but I did start it off by asking series of questions, and ending it with questions.
To see why you think she cheated. I didn't say you were to blame.

My statement about 8 years ago, is because people do change, I wasn't saying that you should forget about it if it did happen. Just making a generalized statement.

About the meeting him Sunday, which Sunday? Like presently, or was this in the email from 8 years ago? The answer might change the advice I'm about to give you, but here goes.

Something tells me you're not going to like any of the advice that we give you. Eight years is a long time. People change a lot in that amount of time. If you want this to work you're going to have to get past the idea that maybe something did happen. If you don't want this to work then yes, chuck 10 years away. Personally I wouldn't think that much time would be wasted. That's a lot of experience in a relationship and a lot of learning. There's no reason to "chuck the rest of your life away."

Thank you but you must see what a state I am in I'm confused worried and emotionally depressed but just can not seem to get the right answers I have spoken to my partner and she swears it was just curiosity on her part and says she doesn't know why she did it or kept the mails? But in my mind it the thought is there.

But it sounds like she didn't act on this curiosity? Nothing happened? Maybe she made a really big mistake by talking to this guy and that was it.

Let me ask you this, has she shown any signs that she's ever been unfaithful? If the only thing that's ever led you to believe that is the email that you found I don't think you have anything to worry about. Especially if it was so long ago. If she didn't want to be with you, I don't think she would be with you and maybe she would have met up with this dude on whichever Sunday she was supposed to.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unsureoflife

Thank you but you must see what a state I am in i'm confused worried and emotionally depressed but just can not seem to get the right answers i have spoken to my partner and she swears it was just curiosity on her part and says she doesn't know why she did it or kept the mails? but in my mind it the the thought is there.

The operant and important words here are "in my mind the thought is there." Because of something from EIGHT years ago?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

But it sounds like she didn't act on this curiosity? Nothing happened? Maybe she made a really big mistake by talking to this guy and that was it.

Let me ask you this, has she shown any signs that she's ever been unfaithful? .

I asked him the same question still, waiting for an answer.

I would not know what signs to look for? Maybe joining weightwatchers swimming to keep trim and meeting friends every weekend looking after her appearance and suddenly wanting to shave her self? Any of them count or is it just me?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unsureoflife

I would not know what signs to look for? maybe joining weightwatchers swimming to keep trim and meeting friends every weekend looking after her appearance and suddenly wanting to shave her self? any of them count or is it just me?

Now, after eight years? Is any of that happening, or is it all in your head?

I don't think joining weightwatchers or swimming is a red flag. I meet with my friends on the weekends, so that one I wouldn't necessarily worry about. The only thing I would be mildly concerned about is if she really just suddenly wanted to start shaving herself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Now, after eight years? Is any of that happening, or is it all in your head?

No its not she is overweight 3 years ago I asked we both loose weight and get married I have but she hasent so what does this tell me and why does everyone seem to think because it was 8 years agi I should forget it

Because it was 8 years ago, and you have no proof of anything even happening.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unsureoflife

No its not she is overweight 3 years ago I asked we both loose weight and get married I have but she hasent so what does this tell me and why does everyone seem to think because it was 8 years agi i should forget it

So she's not losing weight for you OR for someone else. (You won't marry her until she loses weight? That certainly rings alarm bells in my head about you.) You are obsessing over a probable fantasy from eight years ago. How has she been toward you since then?

I will close this topic now as all the advise hase come from some very biased women
Wonder what the replys had been had I been a woman?
Time to reach for the prozac I think.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

(You won't marry her until she loses weight? That certainly rings alarm bells in my head about you.)

I don't know how I missed that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unsureoflife

I will close this topic now as all the advise hase come from some very biased women
wonder what the replys had been had i been a woman?
time to reach for the prozac i think.

My advice would not have changed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unsureoflife

I will close this topic now as all the advise hase come from some very biased women
wonder what the replys had been had i been a woman?
time to reach for the prozac i think.

So we won't buy into your obsession and that makes us biased?

And you haven't answered my question, How's she been doing for the past eight years?

He hasn't answered a lot of our questions. Lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unsureoflife

No its not she is overweight 3 years ago I asked we both loose weight and get married I have but she hasent so what does this tell me and why does everyone seem to think because it was 8 years agi i should forget it

We didn't say you should forget it.

Here is what I am going to say to your dilemma, you either deal with it or you don't there is really only two solutions to this problem. You talked to her about it, and you got an answer that you are not satisfied with.
1. believe her
2. Don't believe her, You only have two options there as well.

Basically, it is what you are willing to accept or not accept

If you can't forget and you are not willing to forgive you have to let go this relationship. (and that mean throwing away 10 years)

If you want to forgive, you have to move forward with what you expect for the future of this relationship.

How about this,

Set aside a time and place for this serious discussion. The tell her. "Look, honey, I want five uninterrupted minutes please, after which you can say whatever you want.

Then I want you to explain to her your feelings. I mean let everything out.

Tell her you want to be loving toward her, not resentful. Say listen I want to have a soft heart to heart without bitterness. Explain to her why you need toknow what really happened, tell her because you don't want to be in a relationship that was based on lies.

You can tell her that you know you told me nothing happened but if it did I want to know. Tell her you want an equitable relationship, and you want to continue that trust and remain in this relationship, and let her know how you feel.

1Holding back anger and frustration.
If she gives you the same response than you have to make a decision.
You can also say I know that I might be wrong, that it might just be my perception of what's going on between us. And that's why I want to discuss this. And when you are done let her respond.

Listen, talk it out and see what happens or how you feel after you have poured out your feelings. See her reaction, her body language, her tone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

he hasn't answered a lot of our questions. lol

Lol
Funny we have the same problem with him that he has in his own relationship, He doesn't believe or want to hear what he is being told. Hmmm:confused:

I'm sorry I'm new here and I was told to ask Wondergirl about my question someone said she would know. Wondergirl if you could can you look at my question (Criminal background check with best buy)

Thanks

And sorry for not answering

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

he hasn't answered a lot of our questions. lol

A controlling personality?
1. Says she has to lose weight before he will marry her.
2. Holds on for years to unfounded suspicions of infidelity.
3. Closes a question when not getting the answer(s) he wants.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

A controlling personality?
1. Says she has to lose weight before he will marry her.
2. Holds on for years to unfounded suspicions of infidelity.
3. Closes a question when not getting the answer(s) he wants.

I had to spread the rep, but yeah... I agree

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeff_2491

I'm sorry I'm new here and I was told to ask Wondergirl about my question someone said she would know. Wondergirl if you could can you look at my question (Criminal background check with best buy)

Thanks

and sorry for not answering

Hi, Jeff. Please don't piggyback a question on another, although you did get my attention! I'll go to your other question now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Hi, Jeff. Please don't piggyback a question on another, although you did get my attention! I'll go to your other question now.

I'm sorry

I was going to answer, but apparently my answer will be seen as biased and unfounded so I'll bow out before given my advice

Since when have I done that, dude, you have a serious problem. You hold onto things for far too long instead of bringing them up when the time it occurs. 8 years, and you never notice something was wrong then you were blind or nothing happened.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

I had to spread the rep, but yeah... I agree

I never said she had to lose weight I said us.
No I do not believe her
Yes I do want to believe her
I want to sort this out so both our lives are not ruined
AND YES I LOVE HER THAT WHAT HURTS SO MUCH
Any more question I have missed I will answer

You have to sit down and talk to her like jolienoire said, just be calm and tell her what's bothering you. Give her a chance to come clean if anything did in fact happen. I get the feeling nothing did. I would also recommend counseling for both of you.