Why is it so hard to get over a first love?
|
Why is it so hard to get over a first love?
All break-ups are hard. Each one will be harder than the last because the last one won't be fresh in your mind anymore. Time does have it's amnesia like effects are far as pain is concerned.
The only thing I think that can make a break up easier, is understanding why the relationship would never have worked out and willing to accept the best scenerio as opposed to continuing in dysfunction.
I was 23 when I met her and she was 19... we were together for 4 years and lived together for the most part that whole time.
I heard the opposite justfair... im wrong?
It is hard when you make it hard. The first step is to accept it is over follow by letting go.
I know sometimes your mind plays tricks on you because it remember the good times instead of the bad. You have to reprogram your mind and when thoughts of your ex comes to mind immediately think of something else.
Think of your mind as a TV and you hold the remote. Now when your watching TV don't you change the channel whenever something comes on that you don't like? You can do mentally do this with your mind.
Next is if you haven't receive closure yet then maybe you should write a letter expressing your thoughts to your ex and then burn it. Write drafts if you have to and once the letter is complete read it out loud as if your ex were in the room. This is a letting go ritual.
Get out and stay busy. Join a gym, hand out with friends, volunteer somewhere, etc, etc. Staying busy always keeps your mind occupied.
If you have anything that belonged to your ex it should be boxed up my do.
Break-ups are tough and there is no magic pill or portion to else the pain but you will survive. What doesn't kill you does make you stronger. Take it day by day and each day you will stronger. Healing starts with you and I know you have the strength to do it.
Liz, do you think even after six months of crying and calling and filling myself with the poison that I can get through this?
I haven't gone ten days without calling her work and leaving a message...
I let her use me as friends with benefits even though she knew that it would most likely open up a can of worms as she put it, and then let her tell me that she has been with somebody for over a month now and how he is better, she said do you want me to be mean? I said no, but she went about it as I let her and said all mean things you can say to somebody u know helped you and loved you when no one else did...
You not going be able to move on if your still haven't contact her.
You fill your body with poison? What your talking about? Alcohol?
Trying to drink your problems away won't help nor make it go away because once you sober up the pain is still there. You have to face and learn from your mistake.
She said mean things to you because you knew it would get to you and right now your letting her win. She is out enjoying her life while your down and stuck.
You can break free from the funk your in with a lot of willpower. Once you start thinking you can your be surprise with your process. So it starts with you.
It is time for you to start living again and to start back enjoying life but life goes on.
Liz, thanks for both your messages, you really have a good way with words,
The poison I have been talking about is the contacting her and letting her come and go as she has pleased. Even any thought in relation is the poison I'm talking about... just a metaphor but a real metaphor cause it is poison...
Everyone goes through this, and I would tend to agree that the first is always the hardest, as you have never dealt with it before and you literally do not know that you will get through this... but you WILL!
Self value goes a long way. You need to learn that. You have hit rock bottom, now quit digging even further and start to climb your way out of this funk that you are in. She is dead to you... and I mean dead to you. Change your number, get rid of anything that reminds you of her, whatever.
Bottom line, everything starts with you. There are baby steps you will have to take to get over this, and you have been in the grieving stage way too long... time to get off your a$$ and start rebuilding a better you, and a much better life for yourself. The self pity train only takes you so far before the ride is over and only YOU are to blame. Get up and start living... I promise you it will get better.
Once again, textbook answer from KC... I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. You will spend weeks, even months replaying the whole relationship and breakup in your head, you will have sleepless nights and times where you just cry your eyes out. BUT.. the sooner you realise how much you are actually worth - things change, and boy do they change!.
Take EVERY opportunity you get to build yourself as a person, improve yourself in any way possible - volunteer, become more healthy, take up a new hobby etc... nobody is more important than you... from what I have experienced that is the most important thing. I was dumped for another guy, I went NC - I realised I deserved better.. I realised I'm worth more than that.. I'm improving myself... I feel great!
Give it a try!
you have to decide if you want to let go or not. She has already decided she wants to let go. So now you are ready to move on, but you can't until you actually MOVE on.
Ending the relationship is like this analogy:
your heart is like a snowball.
The Mountain is like Time.
Your heart rollss down the mountain of time like a snowball and it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. You want the biggest snowball you can have because it's the strongest, has the most momentum, and can knock over anything that gets in its way... The second you talk to her, the snowball melts and you have to start all over with a little snowball and let it roll down and get bigger and bigger. Time also starts over, because you have to go back to the beginning of the mountain and restart the process.
The longer you let the snowball roll down the hill the stronger it becomes.. the more time you give your heart the stronger and bigger it becomes. You aren't even letting your heart heal for 1 second.. you call her, check her Facebook or text her, or etc etc... no wonder you are a mess! You will never meet a new girl if you are in the dumps... no one wants to be with someone who is sad all the time and fixated on the X. The sooner you can break free, the sooner you can move on, the sooner you can be happy.
Start with stopping all contact, (I already know, EASIER SAID, THAN DONE) as it takes time to break an attachment that deep. And be patient with yourself, as this may be a long hard process, (IT SUCKS, BIG TIME)and you will have to be proactive in the way you plan your life without him.
Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, for some really good ideas to help you thru this difficult time.
There is a link in my signature. Your not alone, we all here have gone through the same thing as you are now.
Did you say you were friends with benefits? No wonder you can't move on. You still have her there in body but mentally she wants out. How is that fair to you? Have more respect for yourself then that and move on. Make NC and keep with it. Especially since she felt the need to hurt you and tell you she moved on. Were you still "benefitting" while she was with this other person?
You can't move on until you cut the person off from your life. A friend with benefits agreement is only going to keep your grasping at that false hope straw longer.
Friend, listen to these folks here. Just let her go. And especially when she is seeing someone else. I know it sucks, and sucks BIG TIME. There is no pill to suck that suck. Only thing would work is to pray to God to give you strength to pass through this time victoriously. Trust me, time would heal. When you wake up in the morning, look outside the window, look at the rising sun, feel the morning breeze, listen to the birds chirping and thank God for showing you a new day. And think that the day of your breakup is pushed behind by another day. The gap between you and painful day has widened. And one day it would be left so behind that you won't feel hurt anymore.
Right now, I am going through the same situation as yours . Even I called her back. I had dinner at her place after the breakup, but the charm of talking and eating together, which was always there, was missing. That reminded me of a saying in my language which means "Do not snap the delicate thread of love, you can not attached the snapped fibres, back together. Even if you bring both pieces together, there would be a knot in between". God bless the man who started this forum. Had I not visited these threads, I would had not made any effort to gather myself and built-up my self-esteem. I would had not thanked Lord God for all the blessings HE showers on me everyday.
Have you heard the saying, "If you love someone set them free... ". Check the link and see which one fits for you. brokenheartvn - if you love someone - set them free!. I know letting a person go is not easy. But we do not die with a dying person. It is easier said than done. But it is you and only you who has to put bandage on your wounds. Nobody can do that for you. This is life my friend. And if life were a bed of roses, we would not had learnt anything and never ever grown up.
Thanks for all the help, ty
I just am disappointed in myself that I let so much crap happen in the five months that she left me. I mean, crying and calling for 6 months?? Im so disappointed in myself, I don't believe I could have been so awful, I had so many chances to say NO, u left me now u deal with it, instead I slept with her, and a month later slept with her, and then a month and a half later slept with her again, just so she could meet the guy she is with now 3 days later.
I just want to know if I will be okay having messed up so badly these 6 months... I really can't believe how hung up on her I have been, all in the meanwhile she has been moving on with no intentions of getting back together.
I'm going to make a couple of points and maybe they will resonate with you.
1) I think guys get fooled by the "friends with benefits" stage a bit more than girls do. It's not beyond common sense to assume all guys like to have sex and most guys don't "need" the emotional attachment. However aside from "Sex and the City" fans, girls tend to only be physical when they're emotionally interested (especially the girls we have been in a relationship with). Us guys tend to think; "well if she's sleeping with me then obviously there is still love there." Sadly, this isn't true. Horny girls love ex boyfriends (safe, # of partners stay the same and comfortable). When Mr. New Guy shows up the girl can say "the last person I slept with was my ex and we broke up 5 months ago". Pretty tricky isn't it? Broad strokes, I know, but definitely accurate for a lot of girls. My point is, don't beat yourself up over this. Just about everybody falls for the friends thing once. That's why, even if it's a sincere offer, I will not be friends with exes post break up. Guess what? Staying friends or not staying friends is usually irrelevant to reconciling. The star can either explode or slowly lose it's energy; either way it dies.
2) Even though you regret taking your time accepting the break up, don't. You gave it your all man. When you do finally move on, you won't be saying "maybe if I showed her I cared more". The one who tried is not the one who regrets. I'm not advocating "never give up". Nothing you could have done after the break up would have changed the outcome of both of you moving on.
3) You will be just fine. It hurts like hell. Makes you question your value, intelligence, looks etc. When you start to recover, the intensity of the pain becomes difficult to remember. It takes time. You are not on her clock anymore, so don't bother worrying about how fast she is moving. That's why NC is essential. You need to not know. When you don't know, you can't get jealous or upset. When she doesn't know, you don't feel rushed.
You will be fine. I hung on to my ex for about the same time. I also slept with her 2 times, once in Feb and once in May. You'll be fine. Just remember the fact that you have lived without her and you CAN live without her again. Sooner or later you're going to realize that you really do love life and that you don't need her to be happy. I got dumped in January, begged/pleaded till June. If you look at me now you wouldn't even guess that I'm a guy who got dumped.Quote:
Originally Posted by Elousia
Thanks,
So much happened in our 4 year relationship, words cannot even describe, we went through so much, so much. I had such opportunity for my life and I blew it all and made it worse for myself then I could have ever imagined. I lost myself and lived life so bad when I was with her, it kills me to think about. I became so out of control with life it hurts to see it now that I'm out. Words can't describe it at how bad to myself and her that I was. Even if I couldn't see it and was loving/good guy. My family doesn't know why I am still having a hard time with this but I realized its I'm so down and hurt at how bad and carefree I was while I had the best chance in the world with this girl. She gave me everything. I took it all for granted. And now I'm left to pick up the pieces. Single, alone, not feeling like any other girl will ever love me again. It hurts.
It hurts so bad, but Im trying I really am trying, I haven't called and left a message at her work since July 1st(canada day) and it kills me to think of such a love this woman had for me and so opportunity I missed.
Thanks for the response inertia,
I really just can't wait too be in love again.
Elousia, we are going through the same thing here, he was my first love and I screwed up soooo bad. I screwed things up after the break up horribly. Check my thread, I don't think you were as mean to her as I was with my ex. I regret it so bad and I still feel horrible.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-373374.html
Yeah, love rocks. Love is also sometimes stressful, draining, confusing, scary, misleading and unpredictable. Those ups and downs will return to you when you are truly ready. Try to internalize that love with self-focus for a while before you give it away to someone else again. It will be much more enjoyable when you aren't "needing" it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Elousia
Losing your first love is difficult because you had all your hopes and dreams wrapped up and it crashed and burned. The pieces that you chose to hold on to are just fractions of what it used to be. Maybe you think that if you change, you can rebuild those pieces into something greater, but you can't.
Finding the right partner is a series of trial and error. My first boyfriend said it perfectly when he broke up with me after 3 years. He said, "You deserve someone better." I spent the next three years thinking that he was the biggest jerk alive. I moved, started my career and he became the smallest of memories... still a jerk, but a small one. So now I am with the love of my life, and he is the "someone better" that my first love wasn't.
Hi elousia,
Your situation is almost similar with mine. I also slept with her 2 prior to our breakup and eat out and watch movies with her any other day until she found someone 2 weeks ago.
I was a friend to her with benefits and I keep on thinking our relationship could improve but I guess it went worse. It kills me to see her getting on with someone so easily.
We practically did everything together during our past 3 yrs and were even thinking of marriage.
And its been 6 months now that I still have terrible dreams and flashbacks. Its hard to move on but still we need to move on, by hook or by crook. I am on NC now, coming to 3 weeks now, but it still hurts I know. We are on the same wave length here thinking about what we can do to save the relationship (because it was just too great) but what's past has past and nothing can prevent it from happening except for your future relationship. My best pal has been dumped by his fiancée and they were 7 yrs into the relationship. I guess life goes on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by inertia
These are true words of wisdom, thanks for them inertia, it comes back to the old saying you can't love someone if you don't love yourself.
I found it these last couple days that although I am hard on myself for various, although meaningful to me, ridiculous reasons life(not copping-out) has made me believe matter. For example, I live in North America, Canada to be exact, a big city even, wow I have it good (Toronto), yet there are children in other countries that are starving and surviving having lost their parents and have to fend for themselves (World Vision from donations from you and I help these children). So my hangups with weight or my problems with my teeth that keep me from smiling the way I would like even though trigger real emotions aren't as unfortunate as these starving children by the thousands, who truly know what struggle is. God is great in that these children will be the first through the gates in heaven, because if anybody in this world deserves to be in heaven it is these children that live with such little hope as they must pick through mounds of garbage to try and find someway to feed themselves or spend all day in a field, dusk till dawn to inadequately nutriment themselves for the day.
I have found myself love these last few days and I bless this break-up that I have gone through in order to find this in myself again.
I bless God for putting everybody and I here on his creation so that we may have a chance to experience such an existence and be tested on how we handle it. We are the architects of our own destiny through the choices we make and how we react from each day passing. Everyday is truly another chance at believing and following through in how we act and serve others from this day forward. The affirmation that today is the first day of the rest of my life is ever so sweetly true in everybody lives. It's a choice you make to be better not worse. To gain wisdom, to serve others, to know everything happens for a reason and that l you need to reflect on your emotions and feel but then use them to be better your inner core and to serve others, to make this world a better place.
Good morning Makapou, Wontgohomewo, in case I don't see you, Good afternoon ,good evening and goodnight, thanks for sharing your experience.
Cocada, thanks for your words and off to read your experience I go.
18 DAYS OF no contact for me,
The most I have went since January,
I really can't think about her anymore because when I do I start to cry because of how much she meant to me,
She was the best thing that ever happened to me and it hurts so much to think and know that she is gone,
So I distract as best as I can and do what I can to move on...
Just wanted to update, thanks for everything everone.
I hurt so bad right now, I just wish I could have followed the rules of leaving a good impression after a break up and given myself an honest chance, I didn't know about the rules and how important they were, I've been having a really hard weekend and I wish I didn't have too feel this way.
I went through so much for that girl and she went through so much with me, I don't know what to do because I love her so much.
I try and be strong everyday and I really try and try, but I hurt so bad, I never knew what love was or how to love before this and I have such a big heart, it hurts so bad.
I agree, it's hard to let someone go, especially your first love... but you're making it almost impossible for you to feel better about it and move on. You're letting her use you for sex with no strings attached. She's got it all, doesn't she? Well, she can't have it all unless you let her, and you're definitely letting her.Quote:
Originally Posted by Elousia
You need to let her go, stop talking to her and just stay away for a long while. The only way you will pick yourself back up is if you stop being used and call it quits with her. Even if you don't want to right now, it's for the best for you later. Don't let her use you man, you're better than that. It won't be easy, so work hard and try to stick to it.
At least your nor holding those feelings in, get them all out, until they are gone.Quote:
I have such a big heart, it hurts so bad.
You need to accept things for what they are. Things would have ended the same way even if you had left a good impression. If you hadn't struggled to try and get her back you would be asking yourself whether you should have gone after her. I guess its best to regret things you have done than regret not having done things you wanted to.Quote:
I just wish I could have followed the rules of leaving a good impression after a break up and given myself an honest chance
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elousia
I feel you :( It know hurts so much, I still feel that pain too. But you are doing such a good job by keeping NC! Just keep trying , don't give ! You ARE STRONG,and you will get over her, and the pain will go away. I can tell you have a big heart :) take care of it, it will heal.
Gambino-im not letting her use me for sex, three times this year that happened,all about a month and a half apart, she found someone 3 days after I let her use me for the third time,
It hurts because I cared about this go girl so much I watched her grow and it hurts so bad to see that I don't get to be growing her anymore, I came close to her, I watned everyone of her dreams to coome to true and be with her for it all, to see me out of her life and no longer apart of her growing kills me,
We went throug so much together, I don't know what to to forget all the pain and good times,
I never waneted to hurt my ex or lose her, I loved her so much
Ill be okay, I just fkn loved her so bad, and she loved me but I drove her away, I just have to learn from it and move on
You will never forget, but you will move past these feelings. Yes it sucks, yes right now it is all doom and gloom, but you'll get there. Venting does a solid job of emotional release, so keep at it.
I have never been so hurt and in pain like this in my life,
Its hard to believe that I pretty much ball my eyes out everyday,
I feel so ugly and that no woman will ever want to be with me,
I have a hard time coping most of the time,
This is unbelievable.
Thanks for the support guys,
I haven't seen her since may 1st,
This has been the longest I've ever been away from her,
It kills me... especially since she is with someone else...
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:00 PM. |