I am 28 years old and I have never been single. I started in relationships when I was 17.

I adore my live-in boyfriend of 5 years but I often feel like I am missing out on the time to myself that everyone else but me seems to have had.

I can never seem to make decisions about anything and I am incredibly dependent. My boyfriend takes wonderful care of me and I know he is only trying to look after me, but it has effected me badly. I can't seem to do anything for myself. I feel constantly lost, and I don't like the person I am.

What should I do? I love the time we spend together but on the other hand I can't stop thinking about breaking free. He is an amazing man who has done nothing to warrant this happening to him, and he adores me. I keep trying to tell myself "it's not his life, it's MINE, and it's time to start living for yourself for once" but I cannot stop thinking about how utterly devastated he would be.

We live together which makes it harder, so it is not exactly easy for me to suggest we have some space. He would not understand that need either, he is very black and white - I either want to be with him, or I don't, there is no in between, he'd say. He also thinks feelings like this (i.e. finding yourself) are a "cop out", "excuses" and a "load of rubbish".

I don't know what to do. Should I leave a man that loves me so? I may never find someone who cares for me like this again, but something has to be done.

Thanks :(

This isn't an answere you can rely on someone else to answere for you
You got to try and figure this out on your own

I absolutely agree. But the thing is I have been trying to work it out for about a year now.

What would you do? And has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

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Originally Posted by onionhippy

I am 28 years old and I have never been single. I started in relationships when I was 17.

I adore my live-in boyfriend of 5 years but I often feel like I am missing out on the time to myself that everyone else but me seems to have had.

I can never seem to make decisions about anything and I am incredibly dependant. My bf takes wonderful care of me and I know he is only trying to look after me, but it has effected me badly. I can't seem to do anything for myself. I feel constantly lost, and I don't like the person I am.

What should I do? I love the time we spend together but on the other hand I can't stop thinking about breaking free. He is an amazing man who has done nothing to warrant this happening to him, and he adores me. I keep trying to tell myself "it's not his life, it's MINE, and it's time to start living for yourself for once" but I cannot stop thinking about how utterly devastated he would be.

We live together which makes it harder, so it is not exactly easy for me to suggest we have some space. He would not understand that need either, he is very black and white - I either want to be with him, or I don't, there is no in between, he'd say. He also thinks feelings like this (i.e. finding yourself) are a "cop out", "excuses" and a "load of rubbish".

I don't know what to do. Should I leave a man that loves me so? I may never find someone who cares for me like this again, but something has to be done.

Thanks :(

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You already know the answer. You owe it to yourself to live as a free-standing adult before, one day, you find yourself permanently locked into dependency. Self-reliance, self-knowing, resilience, self-confidence, and your ability to survive on your own are recurring, natural urges that will not go away. You need to find out who you are, and not settle for being this person you don't like.

From what you say, your boyfriend will never have room for you to grow. At any time in the future you want to do anything in the "Finding Yourself" department, he will fight it. Yes, he loves you, but on what terms? And yes, he will take it very badly when you take your space. Prepare yourself and deal with it. Move sensitively and swiftly.

If you really care for this boyfriend, be ready to listen to him when he blows up, and to understand, and keep moving out the door. You might try a several-month separation, but a "black and white" guy probably won't go for it. Leaving him will take determination.

As for finding someone who cares for you like this again, it's always a risk. But won't the person you become because you took this step in your life be much more deep, free, easy to love, and worthy of respect?

Good luck.

Tao

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Originally Posted by taoplr

You already know the answer. You owe it to yourself to live as a free-standing adult before, one day, you find yourself permanently locked into dependency.

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Yes I know... I think my mind has been made up for a while, I just can't seem to gather the courage to do anything about it!

Oh boy... I have a man here who wants to marry me, buy a home with me and care for me for the rest of his days... yet I don't want him, or anyone, right now. What on earth is wrong with me?

I've been broken up with for every possible reason in the book, and letme tell you, it hurts espessually the most when the girl decides she just wants to be single
But, you do owe it to yourself to have that freedome
Maybe he'll understand, who knows
Lifes a story that you have the power over, no don't let no one take that from you, espesually not some clingy boyfreind

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Originally Posted by onionhippy

Yes I know... I think my mind has been made up for a while, I just can't seem to gather the courage to do anything about it!

Oh boy... I have a man here who wants to marry me, buy a home with me and care for me for the rest of his days... yet I don't want him, or anyone, right now. What on earth is wrong with me?

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Nothing is wrong. You will be grateful for the rest of your life for having taken this step. You don't know yourself well enough to get married. It's great that you know it.

But you won't like the next stage. Make is as simple and direct as possible with your boyfriend. Tell him the truth. He won't agree or understand because things seem fine between you. Don't make the mistake of justifying separating by making things go sour.

Making it on your own will require discipline in any areas. That starts now.

Tao

Do what you got to do, the longer you wait the worse it will be. I'd say try to communicate as much as possible first before you lay out the news. Also, seek out any alternatives. I feel my ex girlfriend left me for a similar reason (to find independence). It felt like a lack of communication because it was out of the blue. It will suck, it still sucks.. but in the end I know it was for the best. We ended up depending so much on each other we lost our own individuality. We made the relationship our lives when it should only be a part. I would never have improved as much as I have over the last few months if it wasn't for the break up.. and she's off finding whatever she needs to find. I've accepted our situation and set her free because I know its what would make her happy (plus I wouldn't be able to stop her anyway :P). Am I devastated? Definitely, my heart was crushed, at least I got my explanation, some don't even get an explanation. Did I feel we did everything possible to save the relationship? May be not... but I felt that was due to lack of communication. Either way though, that was the way the cookie crumbled. But know it will have a HUGE impact on EVERYTHING. Also, try to not string him along or give him false hope it will just make everything difficult. P.S. please don't use the line "lets just be friends" because it will never work unless you both mutually wanted the break up.

Just curious, is there room in this relationship to have good clean fun, and explore yourself, by doing what you want to do?

Or do you just want to see what else is out there, man wise?? Do you have your own friends, hobbies, and activities, out side this relationship??

Many in a long term relationship face this same problem, when life bogs us down, and we want more from ourselves.

Very interesting situation.

On one hand, this gentleman has done nothing to warrant you leaving him. From the sounds of it he may well indeed be hard to come by again. I think it a big gamble to try and be independent or at least test out your independence with such a big gambling chip.

That being said, you feel what you feel. You cannot live your life for others, if your not going into a possible marriage with the utmost confidence you will be happy than it is yet another gamble. I'd really focus on the reason, you say independence but it may well go deeper than that.

It seems to be one of those situations in which you and only you know your real feelings. Perhaps your being too nice in assessing what is wrong with the relationship. I understand that you speak of him in high regard, however, I'm not sure people would leave such a great guy over the need to be alone. I mean essentially that is what your saying, alone seems more attractive at this point than him, not exactly the Garden of Eden I would imagine.

Sorry, I wrote a lot but don't really have any advice other than make sure you know what you want and listen to yourself.

Best of luck.

You're looking for vindication as you've already made up your mind so here it is: you're not happy, that's reason enough to leave. In fact, you should leave before you cheat or something a long those lines.

It does bother when I read posts like this 'cause it forces me to think, "will my future girlfriend say the same thing about me?". But, I'm 23, and I did a lot of growing up and had a lot of fun since I was 17, and couldn't imagine being in a relationship from that time to five years into the future. Teenage to early adult hood have the best years lived single, and I'm glad I did and am doing so now. The ship left port a while ago for you, but you did catch on, which now means you should do something about it.

There really just aren't things you can do or even say if your in a relationship. You need to be on your own to find out who you are, and it seems after all this time you've found that out for yourself.

Cheers, hope it works out for you.

Hi guys. Thanks again for all your answers. I am still no closer to making a decision but that's just me and my hazy, confused head :(

I have also come to realise recently that I have begun to see my boyfriend as more of a father figure... it's something that I think has been there for a while, but I was just too creeped out to admit it. He is nearly 20 years older than me. As I said he cares for me very much, and is always making sure I am OK. He also kind of scolds me like a child whenever we fight, pointing his finger in my face and depending on the case, telling me to "show some respect"... I am so f'ed up at the moment, I have no idea what to think or do.

It's time to grow up and leave home!
Hopefully he is mature enough and cares about you enough to understand the reason you want and need to leave and not give you grief.

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He is nearly 20 years older than me. As I said he cares for me very much, and is always making sure I am OK. He also kind of scolds me like a child whenever we fight, pointing his finger in my face and depending on the case, telling me to "show some respect"... I am so f'ed up at the moment, I have no idea what to think or do.

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Boy that makes a big difference. Wish you had of include that fact in your original post!!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Boy that makes a big difference. Wish you had of include that fact in your original post!!!

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Yeah sorry about that, I probably should have... maybe I always felt this way, but it has taken me 5 years to finally admit it? I just can't work this out. I don't want him to feel like I have used him.

He may have used you a bit.
You need to leave the nest. This is not fair to either of you. You stay you both of you wll end up miserable.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He may have used you a bit.
You need to leave the nest. This is not fair to either of you. You stay you both of you wll end up miserable.

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How do you think he used me? I am just curious. I once had someone tell me when he and I first met that they thought he was taking advantage of me being so young and not really knowing what I wanted (I was 21 at the time). It never really made sense to me.

I got a message from him today: Work is good. Day is going fast. Perfect girlfriend. Life is great. It made me feel sick! :(

As young as you were, and as old as he was he had to have know you would come to this point. He may not have done this maliciously but he has not allowed you to grow.
He has enjoyed having this sweet young thing all these years it has made him feel good, but again, your emotional growth has been stunted.
He has to know you are going through this, unless he chooses to not see it.

You are either happy enough with him to find a way to make it work or you need to get out and get independent. }
If you can't get out and make a life for yourself. If you can't tell him I want to join some clubs, go to school, find a job, get a life, etc... then I suggest you do get out on your own.
If leaving is the only way you are going to make things happen then you need to leave.

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Originally Posted by onionhippy

I got a message from him today: Work is good. Day is going fast. Perfect girlfriend. Life is great. It made me feel sick! :(

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This comment is disturbing.

Sounds like you have already decided what you want to do but are too scared to do it.

I don't understand why you don't want to give him a chance to work things out. You say it is all black and white with him but you are making it black and white if you just say I am moving out, have my things packed, bye.
Chances are when you go to leave he will want an explanation and then he will realize if he wants you to stay that he needs to come up with some compromises to let you have some independence.
I know a lot of girls, myself included, think we have to stay home for when they get home, that we have to be there in case they want us there or to do something for them.
I have learned not to sit around waiting for or on any guy.
They come and go as they please even if we had planned a special surprise evening.

5 years, why has this guy not married you?
I think you need to go. This relationship is just a bit hinkey on a lot of levels IMO

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I don't understand why you don't want to give him a chance to work things out. You say it is all black and white with him but you are making it black and white if you just say I am moving out, have my things packed, bye.
Chances are when you go to leave he will want an explanation and then he will realize if he wants you to stay that he needs to come up with some compromises to let you have some independence.
I know a lot of girls, myself included, think we have to stay home for when they get home, that we have to be there in case they want us there or to do something for them.
I have learned not to sit around waiting for or on any guy.
They come and go as they please even if we had planned a special surprise evening.

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I don't think he wants her to have independence, this would mean she would open her eyes and he would lose her.
He is too old and controlling. She needs to grow up and spread her wings.

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Originally Posted by friend4u178

This comment is disturbing.

Sounds like you have already decided what you want to do but are too scared to do it.

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I think you're right, but so much is still flying through my head. It made me feel sick because he is a good man and he doesn't deserve it. I KNOW I have to stop thinking about him and focus on me but it's very hard after a lifetime of putting others first.

I think it may be that you are just too dependent and scared to approach him about getting out and getting a life. It sounds to me like you are looking to him for a father figure.

I know when you become dependent on a guy it can be about impossible to make the change and you do feel the only way you are going to over come it is to leave but I believe if you love him enough and he loves you enough you can work something out more than likely.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He is too old and controlling.

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I am sure he doesn't mean to be... but it's kind of like I never question him because he has "been there" and is "only trying to do what is best", even if it's not what I want. A lot of the time I just relent to avoid argument.

I do need to grow up. I have led a very sheltered life and feel like I am still 15 years old or something.

Then you need to get a backbone and start taking care of yourself.
He may be a good man but you need to be happy.
Why did you guys not marry?
I mean if he is so wonderful as old as he is why has he just been shacking with you all of this time.

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Originally Posted by onion hippy

I am sure he doesn't mean to be... but it's kind of like I never question him because he has "been there" and is "only trying to do what is best", even if it's not what I want. A lot of the time I just relent to avoid argument.

I do need to grow up. I have led a very sheltered life and feel like I am still 15 years old or something.

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Girl re read what you just wrote. "only trying to do what is best", even if it's not what I want. A lot of the time I just relent to avoid argument.
You are grown an adult! You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, I don't care how nice he has convinced you he has been. This man has controlled you and he knows it.

IMO this relationship is dysfunctional and I would bet he would make you feel like an ungrateful so and so if you voiced any opposition. He has raised you his way.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Why did you guys not marry?

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Actually, that is all me. Last year around our 4 year anniversary I got really mad at him and thought that he was never going to make a serious commitment to me. He admitted to me he had planned to pop the question on my birthday, some 1 month later. Suddenly, I was unsure whether I wanted to marry him or not and I told him I don't think I am ready. Something just changed. I don't think I wanted to get married, but all my friends were and I felt left behind. Ed up, I know. :(

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Girl re read what you just wrote. "only trying to do what is best", even if it's not what I want. A lot of the time I just relent to avoid argument.
You are grown an adult! You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, I don't care how nice he has convinced you he has been. This man has controlled you and he knows it.

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That's the confusing part... all my friends also tell me he is only doing what's best. See, it is my dream to travel. His dream is to own a home. I want to see things and places and meet people, but he tells me buying a home is a much more secure investment, and everyone who I ask, agrees. Oh yes they say, there is plenty of time for travel. Buy a home now. I couldn't care less if I own a home or not at this stage of my life, but he, and everyone, keeps telling me it's the wisest thing to do.

If you do not leave, imagine how you will feel in another five years. All that time wasted. Your youth given to him. You would be cheating yourself out of a real life.

I can't say that he used you, but I don't know many 40 something single men who wouldn't want a 21 year old girlfriend.

You are beginning to resent him for treating you like a child, waving his finger in your face and demanding respect... that will get old and so will he. Twenty years is a lot. It's not unheard of or impossible, but it is hard.

You demand some respect for yourself. Try it on your own. You won't regret it. You owe it to yourself, and him, not to settle for a relationship that isn't fulfilling you.

You've given this a lot of thought, over a year's worth. Time to fill him in. I don't think he will be all that surprised, just disappointed.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

IMO this relationship is dysfunctional and I would bet he would make you feel like an ungrateful so and so if you voiced any opposition. He has raised you his way.

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This can be true, actually..

He takes control of everything in the flat (which is his place of course... God I didn't even want to move in there, but I didn't want to leave him in the lurch as his flatmate moved out suddenly. Putting myself last again!) - he does the shopping, he pays the bills, he contacts the repair people if we have a problem, he pays the rent. We'll get into an argument and he'll tell me how he does everything around the place, even though I have asked him a million times "is there anything I can do?"

Of course he wants to do the home thing and you want to travel He is damn near 50. You want to experience life.
He is wanting to do what is best for him and his way of thinking. What is best for you, would be to let you go and be with someone closer to your age. Someone who will travel with you and do all those things people you have not done while you were with him.

I just want to quickly thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate you taking the time to hear me out. :)

He sees you as the perfect girlfriend because he has total control over you. Sure, he takes care of everything, just like I take care of my five year old.

Hi. I agree with a lot of the advice given to you already. I was in long term relationships since I was 15 and I'm 27 now. Its like as soon as a guy & I would break up, another one would come along. I never had a chance to be single. 2 weeks ago, I left my husband. I was scared to leave him, afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of myself and my two kids. I did it anyway though. I wanted to leave him for 5 years and I finally did it. I'm on my own now and so happy. I can do whatever I want, there's no one to answer to.
You're afraid to be on your own, I totally understand that. But the fact that you're afraid to is even more of a reason to do it. You can't be happy in a relationship unless you're able to be happy on your own. As far being afraid you'll never find someone that loves you as much... if he loves you that much he will understand why you need to move out. If he doesn't understand than maybe he doesn't love you as much as you think he does. Maybe he just likes the fact that he is able to control you and you listen to him.
I'm not getting why you keep going back and forth with it. You absolutely know what you have to do to be happy. Don't let fear stop you.
The worse mistake you could ever make is to marry this man without exeriencing freedom. It's a wonderful feeling.
I'm wishing you happiness.

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Originally Posted by onionhippy

This can be true, actually..

He takes control of everything in the flat (which is his place of course ... God I didn't even want to move in there, but I didn't want to leave him in the lurch as his flatmate moved out suddenly. Putting myself last again!) - he does the shopping, he pays the bills, he contacts the repair people if we have a problem, he pays the rent. We'll get into an argument and he'll tell me how he does everything around the place, even though I have asked him a million times "is there anything I can do?"

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Young lady, I'll say it again. "it is time to grow up and leave home" And who knows, he may be ready for you to grow up and leave too.

*deep breath*

Oh boy... I can't believe I might actually do this. I am going to try my best not to let fear get the better of me, but I am absolutely petrified. You guys, again, have really, really helped me, thank you so much. I have searched the net for helpful forums and none have even come close to this. There is no nastiness or anything here, it's so refreshing, thank you.

You're welcome.
Stay strong. This is your life. Time to take control of it.
Keep us posted.
I wish you well.

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Originally Posted by onionhippy

*deep breath*

Oh boy... I can't believe I might actually do this. I am going to try my best not to let fear get the better of me, but I am absolutely petrified. You guys, again, have really, really helped me, thank you so much. I have searched the net for helpful forums and none have even come close to this. There is no nastiness or anything here, it's so refreshing, thank you.

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We'll all be here to talk to whatever you decide.

Keep us posted :)