I have been dating a girl for about two months and everything was going fantastic. She has two young children who I got along with great. She told me she was tired of looking and was ready for a serious relationship.

When we first started dating we worked at the same company in different departments. A week after we started seeing each other she lost her job, which was rough on her. I was there to support her and help her search for a new job. Things continued to go good and we grew closer and often talked about a future together. She would often comment about how much she loved me, how good I was with the kids, etc.. All her friends told me how happy she was, and how impressed they were with how well I treated her.

Without much warning everything turned upside down. She told me that she thought she was ready for a relationship, but now wasn’t sure. We both felt that things did move too fast, and agreed to slow it down. We have kept in touch by phone for the last week and I am sensing even more doubt in her about our relationship. She has been very moody and depressed at times, and says it is because of not having a job and the stress of not having an income with two children. She said she needs to get her life together and does not have the time to give me in a relationship. I have asked her several times if she wants to try and make this work, but at a slower pace and she says yes, but yet I can’t even get her to agree to meet with me to discuss things in person. All our discussions since things turned bad have been over the phone. The last time I saw her was a week ago, when she spent the night with me. It was two days later things started going bad on the phone conversations.

I understand the difficulty of losing a job, as I have been through it in the past. I just don’t understand the quick turnabout in her feelings. It was only two days prior to the bad news she had told me how thankful she was that I was there to support her through this difficult time.

Interested in anyone’s thoughts on what I should do. Reading other posts, I am thinking that I should stop contact with her, and let her make the next move. Any suggestions are appreciated!

First of all, I am so sorry. Relationships are hard & a broken heart hurts worse than just about anything. It sounds to me like you are a great catch & will make someone a wonderful companion. And to answer your question - I think you should give her some space & let her make the next move.

I remember when my husband and I were dating - we couldn't stand to be away from each other. I worked a 9 to 5 job & he didn't get off work until midnight - and we still saw each other a lot. I would sometimes meet him halfway between our houses. The reason I told you that is because you deserve someone that wants to meet you halfway to just talk.

Try not to dwell on it (which is an obstacle for me in my life) & put it in God's hands. Whatever is meant to be will happen.

I also wanted to say that I noticed in your writing that she has children from another relationship & she lost her job. (Believe me - I know that *$%& happens!) But please take a step back & really look at this girl & decide if she is someone you really want to have a relationship with.

Good Luck to you.

You are right. You went way too fast. All these actions of hers are clear indicators that it just went way too fast and now she is having second thoughts. We se it here all the time. People rushing and going so fast that after about 2 - 3 months when the newness and excitement wears off, one party backs off and needs space. We see it almost every week.

Ok, but all is not lost. You are right.. You need to cut contact for a while. If you have tired talking to her and it doesn't work then OK, you have tried. Now the BEST thing you can do is completely cut all contact with her. No phone, no email, no text, nothing whatsoever. Completely disappear as far as she is concerned.

In this time you need to learn what may have pushed her away, how you can slow it down IF you try again.

You need to keep yourself busy though as well. Learn about you, improvie yourself. At the moment this thing seems over.

Seems like another rexample of someone making their partner their life. NOT GOOD> you need to continue doing the things that you did before. Have other hobbies, hang with the boys, play your sports, do whatever. It sounds like you lived in one anothers hip pockets. This gets too much after a while.


As I said I think the best chance you have of rekindling somehting in her is cutting contact. Not just for a day or two. Weeks if need be.

She has asked for space. So give it to her. You may not think it but right now you need it to. You need to gather your thoughts and let emotions calm down.

PLease do this. Im pretty confident I won't be the only one with this advice for you.

Thanks for the advice, you are reenforcing what I had decided. One question, if she calls do I answer or let the voicemail take it?

Me personally wouldn't answer it.
She asked for space so why is she calling?

You can call back a day or two later and just say that you had been busy with heaps of other things in your life (which you should try to be anyway)

You don't want to look as though you were sitting around waiting for her to call. (which you shouldn't be anyway)

Get it?

Got it!

You said it all Skell, but had to spread it. Hate that doggone rep system.

If this young woman has a history of being mistreated by other guys maybe it is hard for her to adjust being treated great by a guy like you. If she wants space give it too her. To be honest I wouldn't answer her phone calls or even return them. I like what Skell says about calling back a couple days later but at this point I would just quit talking to her for a month or so. Make her miss you and if she doesn't then you know for sure it wasn't meant to be.

Yes she does have a history of being treated very badly by her ex. It has been over two years since the divorce but she still has a hard time seeing him. Thanks to all for the advice!

I too am going through the same thing right now with my boyfriend. He is 27 no kids I am 32 with 3. I have cut off complete contact with him for about 1 week now. I love him and I want him back but he said that he needed his time and space. I am seeing now that I let my life become him. So I am getting out there and doing the things that I like to do and I can see the change in myself.
The reason I am saying all of this is because no matter how hard it is not to talk or see that person you have to RESPECT their wishes. Give her space and do your own thing. If this is meant to be she will come back

You have to understand that she is going through a lot of stress and her # 1 priority is her children. I have been in similar situation when my kids were younger and I had a very hard time dating any women and take care of my kids at the same time with no child support and made very little money. I was always stressed and I couldn't handle a relationship when all I wanted to do is concentrate on myself and my babies at that time.. If you care for her, put all that relationship aside for now and let her concentrate on herself and the children. Help her as a friend and expect nothing back. It sounds like she wants to be with you but like I said this is a very difficult moment for her right now.. Her children are #1... Hopefully when things go right for her, she will come back to you.. Good luck dude.

Yep - too fast - too furious. SLOW is GREAT!! Take it slow. Yu guys don't really even know each other yet.

Leave her alone. Give her space. Her calls go to voice mail.

Be busy.

I bet $1 million you suffocated her!! She has a family, job - and boyfriend who has to know every little things she does. Give her life back to her.

You get a life - she is part of your life - not your life. QUIT smothering her. Quit calling all the time.

See -she like all the attention in the beginning - but it's too much after a while. Smothered her - she has kids that are priority I nlfe.

See - going slow IS OK!! Do it for a while. Be busy - if you act like you have a life - she will come back.

Right now I bet you come across as needy and insecure - very unattractive.

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Originally Posted by bj_1964

Interested in anyone’s thoughts on what I should do. Reading other posts, I am thinking that I should stop contact with her, and let her make the next move.

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BINGO! You've hit it right on the head. Move on with your life and forget about her for now. Make her realize that you can enjoy life just as much without her as with her. When women have a "turnabout" in their feelings like you've described, it's usually because they sense that you are being overly needy and clingy. Maybe you aren't but they have the impression, perhaps not consciously, that you are. It's not likely that they'll ever come right out and admit that this is how they're feeling but that's what it usually boils down to. Be aloof and disappear for a while. See if she then starts to pursue you. If she does then you may have a chance. But don't center your life around her.

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Originally Posted by bj_1964

Thanks for the advice, you are reenforcing what I had decided. One question, if she calls do I answer or let the voicemail take it?

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Let the voicemail take it. Call her back later; much later.

Let voice Mail get it. Don't be so available for her.:)

Okay, so I didn't exactly follow everyone's advice. She called tonight, and I answered. The talk went very well, and she sounded like her old self. I let her know I was going out with the boys tonight and she actually sounded happy! I had not called her since Tuesday and told her I was not going to call and pressure her. She said it is okay to call, and that she wants to be friends, go slow, and see where it takes us.

I know I shouldn't have answered, but am glad I did!

I agree with Styler, her concern for her kids will always come first. Just let her know you respect her wishes and that you will give her all the space she needs. Tell her that she can call you when she's ready, and call her every couple of weeks to see how she and her kids are doing.

I agree with Styler as well. I guess that is why I answered the phone tonight. I wanted to let her know that I am here as her friend with no expectations. I have always told her that her kids come first, and I do honestly mean that.

Personally - you shouldn't have answered though. You always there - too available. It seems all NICE to answer the phone - but you see - you blew another chance to make her miss you.

You really ened to understand attraction. She needs space - give it to her. Be busy. It goes to voice mail - so what.

You're being what we call a "nice guy" - smotherer.

Well, a week later and you're right I shouldn't have answered the phone. I tried calling her to say "Hi" last Sunday and she didn't answer. Left a brief message and have not heard anything from her a week later. I have resisted the urge to try calling again and have been keeping busy with friends.
Can't figure her out, last week she said she wants to be friends and see where it takes us, yet her actions are not matching her words.

No, she is busy and not meeting your expectations as to what a friend is. You want contact, she does not. Real simple leave her alone until she calls you and if she doesn't..

See - you seem like a great and sincere guy. She needs to realize that - sometimes it takes a woman a long time to realize this.

Leave her alone - she does not deserve your attention.

I say this EVERY day here - "People Want What They Can't Have" - she has you. You throw yourself out there like a door mat. 'Here take me' - that's how she feels about you.

Again women like to work for things - challenge. Be a challenge - be busy. And when she calls - don't answer. Don't answer. Call back in two days - you were busy.

See - she needs to wonder why you haven't called. What happened.

She may be putting the interest of taking care of her children first, worrying about how she will support herself and them with no income. She may be feeling the guilt of not deserving a relationship when she can't supply for her family sort-of like a "no work, no play" kind of thing.
Or, it's possible she's interested in someone else and wants to let you down easy...
Hope things work out.
Kae

Wildcat, thanks for the advice. I hate to admit it but you are right. Going on two weeks since we talked and I have made up my mind I will not call. If she ever does call, the voicemail will take it. I am really starting to get in the frame of mind that this is over. Even though she said she wanted to slow down, be friends, etc... her actions are speaking a lot louder than her words.

I don't know if this will help but there was a time when I was the sort of woman that a new relationship and a loss of job would do a number on me. I would need to, not want to, put the relationship on hold until the job situation was handled. I might have been willing to ask in a slightly clearer manner than she did, but that is what I would need. The emotional impact of the job loss and the subsequent stress of not having a means to support would render me socially unfit, which would include a new boyfriend who I might not be ready to fully trust just yet seeing me in such a state. Some of us do not multi-task well, especially about emotional or survival based stuff.

Also it would have to do with knowing my limitations for loss and not wanting to leave myself open to being doubley devastated should what the new boyfriend see about me cause him to run screaming from my life. Its knowing yourself well enough to fear that any more loss and you're going to lose it and trying to take steps to not get there. It would be a self protection measure and if I was not sure he would understand I might not be all that clear in my explanation.

You could really add to this in subtle ways by looking or sounding like you don't or won't understand AND that you think your needs come before hers at a time like this. Does that allow for a little more slack?

I think you could ask yourself what's waiting costing you stacked up against what she has on her plate at the moment-- no job, single parent with kids, yikes. If you do call her again, don't ask her how its going, she'll tell you. Tell her instead of what supportive measure you can offer her, that you understand what a panic no job is, that you miss being with her but you get that her plate is just too full right now, and ask what could you do to help, etc. Otherwise you could come off as just one more demand for her attention on her crowded list.

Valinors--thanks for your perspective. I do agree with you and made it very clear to her that I did not expect anything and understood and agreed that we needed to slow down. I have no problem waiting, but when she tells me that we can see each other as friends and tells me to call, but doesn't return my messages I am not sure what to think. I have done everything I can think of to explain to her I am here to support and help her yet I get the feeling she wants nothing to do with me at the moment.

Like I said I would wait as long as it takes for this girl, but I don't like being left hanging not being sure if she has any plans to see where this relationship might go.

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Originally Posted by bj_1964

Valinors--thanks for your perspective. I do agree with you and made it very clear to her that I did not expect anything and understood and agreed that we needed to slow down. I have no problem waiting, but when she tells me that we can see each other as friends and tells me to call, but doesn't return my messages I am not sure what to think. I have done everything I can think of to explain to her I am here to support and help her yet I get the feeling she wants nothing to do with me at the moment.

Like I said I would wait as long as it takes for this girl, but I don't like being left hanging not being sure if she has any plans to see where this relationship might go.

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Forgive me, I know I came in late on this thread. Was there more than one call left on the machine? Somehow I got the impression that it was only one call left on her machine. My point is that's a lot of concern you've build up on just one call not being returned that she might not have even received or, humbling as this is for you, she may have forgotten too. Its not enough to read anything into her actions, not in my book anyway. These are no ordinary times for her. I don't think the job loss effect is being factored in here big enough. Call her and ask. I know Wildcat said don't call -- you look clingy. There is a difference between clingy and confused. Needy or not depends on how you sound on the phone. Needing clear communication supercede giving anyone space as far as I am concerned -- no one should be left hanging wondering what is happeneing. And the fact that you are IS on her. Call her to get clarification-- that is reasonable, mature and understandable. If necessary, negotiate a period that you'll feel comfortable waiting. If she is not capable of that, that's on her. But to have built all this on "she doesn't call" when the phone works both ways is silly and unnecessary. I have to say I don't think much of waiting games. They are games. "Give me space, date other people, maybe I'll see ya in a month" -- well now that's entirely different.

I had left one about a week prior on her cellphone voicemail, which she called back after a few days. The last message I left was a week ago Sunday. I know her well enough that her cell is always at her side so I have no doubt that she got the message.

Okay then I give... if you two can't manage phones between you then its doubtful in stressful times you'll manage a relationship. I am sorry for your loss.

I have said repeatedly here: going too fast is a pretty serious hazard because trying to slow it down or back up often stresses things too far and ends the relationship. See, the anatomy of a relationship is such that as time goes by, the couple typically (hopefully) gets better and better at negotiating stress between them. With a new couple trying to slow it down, that's a big stressor at a time when the relationship is still new and the skill levels (communication, trust, boundaries, willingness to risk vulnerabilities, balancing needs, etc) of the couple aren't matured enough to handle that.

Valinors-- Sorry your last post only partially showed when I replied and ended after your third sentence. I did not see the portion about communications. What is your suggestion. All the other posts I read here stress "no contact", yet after reading your posts you seem to have a better understanding of the situation than others. I am really not trying to play games with managing the phones, but other posts say not to come on too strong. I really do want to help her and be there for her, regardless of how the relationship turns out. I had thought about sending a short text message to say "hi" or writing her a short letter, would this be a better way to try and start some communication again? I don't want to come across as "clingy" or pushy, but don't want to ignore her either.

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Originally Posted by bj_1964

Valinors-- Sorry your last post only partially showed when I replied and ended after your third sentence. I did not see the portion about communications. What is your suggestion. All the other posts I read here stress "no contact", yet after reading your posts you seem to have a better understanding of the situation than others. I am really not trying to play games with managing the phones, but other posts say not to come on too strong. I really do want to help her and be there for her, regardless of how the relationship turns out. I had thought about sending a short text message to say "hi" or writing her a short letter, would this be a better way to try and start some communication again? I don't want to come across as "clingy" or pushy, but don't want to ignore her either.

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Just my opinion but I think you have offered your support to her and tried to let her know you are there for her.
And I'm sure she knows this.

You can only do so much to help her anyway. Just like the situation you find yourself in right now the only person that can help her is herself. Like you can only help you. Others can be there to be lent on, but essentially it is up to the individual to help themselves.

I think you have offered your support but now the ball is in her court and it is up to her if she chooses to accept that help.

She may want to deal with this on her own, and you continually trying to call her might actually be annoying her. Hence, she doesn't return your calls.

Could that be a hint from her to you to leave her be for a little while?

If she loves you then she will come back. But in the mean time you have your own issues to deal with. So my suggestion would be to concentrate on dealing with YOU right now!

Im only going off my expereinces too. I know I felt like I had to be there to help my ex through her tough times like I had done the many times before. But when someone wants to do something themselves, then they must be left to their own devices. The more I pushed the further away she got until she was gone for good.

It is hard. Because you want and deserve answers. I just know that pushing for them sometimes will not have the desired effect.

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Originally Posted by bj_1964

Valinors-- Sorry your last post only partially showed when I replied and ended after your third sentence. I did not see the portion about communications. What is your suggestion. All the other posts I read here stress "no contact", yet after reading your posts you seem to have a better understanding of the situation than others. I am really not trying to play games with managing the phones, but other posts say not to come on too strong. I really do want to help her and be there for her, regardless of how the relationship turns out. I had thought about sending a short text message to say "hi" or writing her a short letter, would this be a better way to try and start some communication again? I don't want to come across as "clingy" or pushy, but don't want to ignore her either.

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Well then... jiminy crickets...call her and tell her all of that in a light, self confident kind of way like I see in your posts here! And while you're at it, ask why she isn't returning calls -- even between friends that is a little rude! (don't say that last part, say its not commonly very acceptable, okay? LOL I did that for emphasis!)

Façades or lack of honesty from an unwillingness to be vulnerable do lots of damage in new relationships. They make it all about who is going to show their underbelly first and it turns into some stupid contest that takes over and colors all the action. I say this emphatically: "Iffen ya don't have the guts to show your underbelly, then don't be in the dang ring!" Excuse me for being momentarily really opinioned here but I think everyone in a relationship ought to read that last sentence twice -- it just might be one of my better ones LOL.

It isn't needy to say, "I would like time with you." It's genuine. It isn't clingy to say, "I am still interested in you even when the chips are down or you don't feel like yourself and I too am scrambling to figure out what slow means." It's the TRUTH and last time I looked the truth works like gang busters?

PS - thanks for that vote of confidence too. And post #28 -- forgive me, I was probably still messing with it when you were trying to read it, I do that sometimes. That's the editor in me. Sorry about that!

All right so I see both sides of the advice. I have tried to tell her I would like time with her, and that I am here to help her, with no expectations on my part. I am not really sure if I should stay with the "no contact" advice or try to call again. Would sending her a letter or card possibly be less intrusive to her, but still show that I care?

Every relationship is very different. You can only really DEEP DOWN I nthe gut know what's right.

The no contact generally is best for a lot of reasons - you and her.

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Originally Posted by bj_1964

Okay, so I didn't exactly follow everyone's advice. She called tonight, and I answered.

I know I shouldn't have answered, but am glad I did!

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I agree with you, you don't need to completely ignore her. You have slowed down, you told her you were going out with your friends, nothing wrong with the way you handled it.

Just because you broke up doesn't mean you have to pretend like she doesn't exist.

Just my thought. Nothing wrong with letting you know you are still around and care.

Good luck. :o

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Originally Posted by bj_1964

Would sending her a letter or card possibly be less intrusive to her, but still show that I care?

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The only way to know that for sure... is TO ASK HER!
Look, I will come to regret this if all I did was create confusion here. This is just one of those places where WC and I really see differently.

But it seems to me someone needs to cut through the you-know-what and get to the bottom of it. Otherwsie it turns into a never-ending game of guessing what anyone means about anything -- UGH UGH UGH to that from me!!

You seem to be the only one capable of cutting through, unless she is here too, and so I said to you make contact and get the FACT straights from her. There is no harm in doing that for any healthy relationship on this planet. And if it does harm, GOOD! Then you know. Not healthy!!

I don't believe for one second it puts the kabosh on any relationship, even if its 5 minutes old, to ask "where do I stand with you?" A sane person would then laugh and say, "Gee after 5 minutes umm a friendly stranger???" and let it go. Neediness is defined by a whole string of things, not one question. Or lets say if you ask it every 5 minutes, then you might be watching the other person slowly back away from you without turning around LOL

I will go with Val here and give her one more try.
But you will be able to judge by her response what she really wants from you at this point.
And you have to be honest with yourself OK?

Offer your support and help like val said in a light and fun way.

See how she reacts and then you react appropriately.

As cat said, all situations are different and you will know what is right. But you have to be honest and prepared for answers you may not want to hear!

You have all given me a lot of options, and I appreciate that. I now need to take some time and think over what is best for me. Honestly I would like to get answers, even if they are ones I don't want to hear. The truth is better than not knowing and wondering what is up.