Hello,
I'll try to make this as short as I can. My boyfriend of 3 years and I always celebrate my b-day w/ going out to eat at a special restaurant. He lives an hour away from me so we both have to make sure not to have other plans that day. I made sure to ask this year if we were going to spend it together and he said 'yes, of course'.
So.. on the phone today he tells me that he got asked to play a gig(we are both musicians) on a certain date(not realizing that date is my b-day as he is telling me) but he said he couldn't cause he already has another gig on that date. I said... "you do? on my b-day?!!!"
And he got silent and then very upset(at himself) and I could tell he felt super-terrible. He was swearing at himself and saying he feels like a jerk/****** and why do I even want to be w/ him. He even started crying because he knew how bad I felt that he wasn't thinking and booked an out of town gig on my b-day. He has never forgotten before and he honestly didn't do it intentionally... he is known for having a bad memory. He did even have my b-day written down in his calendar so he could make sure he didn't book any gigs that day, but he looked at a different calendar when he booked the gig... so he didn't realize/wasn't thinking.
He's afraid I'll hold onto my anger/hurt and take it out on him or be closed down/mad at him.. basically him in the 'doghouse' for a long time. I don't want to do this but I have a tendency to hold onto hurts. I am trying to be better so I thought it could help to ask for advice.
I guess I just feel hurt that he didn't realize that day was my b-day and that he had previously told me that we'd spend that day together. Which now we really can't cause it is an out-of-town gig that makes it impossible for us to spend time together that day. Makes me feel like I'm not important or my b-day isn't important. But he says that's not true and he is disappointed too cause he wanted to spend it w/ me. He said we can make special plans another day but it doesn't feel the same if it isn't on my b-day.

I think I'm okay w/ letting go of the fact that he forgot the date because I know his memory isn't always so great... but the biggist thing I need help letting go of is the thought '... if he really loved me/cared about me and if my b-day/I was that important to him, he'd cancel his gig or at least he'd offer to cancel it.'
But I know that's not really fair to ask him and that seems pretty silly/selfish of me to be thinking. I know that music is his job(and mine too).. so I understand that when you book a gig, it is like a contract in a way(even though the place he has the gig didn't make him sign a contract). And a musician from out of town is coming specially to do the show w/ him.. so that's like cancelling on 2 people(the other musician and the venue/owner) if he cancelled the gig. I know I shouldn't even be thinking this, but that is how my mind works. It's like I'm taking it like he cancelled on my b-day plans w/him, but he won't/didn't offer to cancel the gig... so that means I'm not as important. But I know that's not fair to compare the two things... which is why I'm asking for help because I don't want to let this ruin things.
Thanks so much. I really appreciate your advice;-)

Well, it sounds like you already know what to do. Let it go.

Already on the right track, he feels horrible. Maybe travel to the gig with him or celebrate your birthday on another day with him?

Thanks for your responses. It does help me.
I know have a tendency to hold onto hurt/anger and I am really trying to be better so I do want to let it go.. just have a hard time when those 'negative' thoughts creep into my head.
He did say we could plan something special on another day. And I know he'd be glad if I came to his gig. I'm sure I'll get over it.
I wish I didn't have to feel bad about the fact that he didn't offer to cancel the gig. Because I feel like I would offer to cancel if it were the other way around.. but maybe that's just because I know he'd say that he didn't want me to cancel cause he doesn't care so much about his own b-day . So I know I really can't compare. And I know it is silly to think that just because he didn't offer to cancel that it means I'm not as important.
Sorry to go on... thanks for listening;-) I truly appreciate it.
I'm going to be seeing him today so I just want to be able to let this go and enjoy our time together and stop feeling bad.
Thanks again;-)

Like you said, music is his job, if he cancelled his gig, he'd be canceling it for the rest of the band too. (guessing he's in a band?). I think you're going to be OK. Like Rome said, go with him. Sounds like it could be fun. Then go to dinner another night. People make mistakes. My husband is very forgetful so I feel your pain. Lol

Hi ZoeMarie,
Thanks for your response. Well, actually he is a solo artist, but for this gig he is splitting a show w/ another musician who is driving from pretty far away. He's not really playing w/ the other musician, but he's splitting the show w/ him. I mean... the guy could play the show by himself, but I know my boyfriend probably feels like he committed to the gig so he feels like he can't back out now.
I know it is silly to compare and think 'well, he committed to keeping that day open for my b-day, but he backed out... so how come he can back out on me and not on the gig'.
But I know it isn't fair to compare since that is a job and it is different.
I'd probably be more understanding if he was in a band, but since he is solo.. it is a little different. Though not really cause I suppose it is still like he agreed to a 'job' and another guy is splitting the show.
Sorry I seem so 'neurotic'. I tend to get over-sensitive and start 'ruminating'.. which like your quote about worrying... doesn't get me anywhere but more pain!
So I know I need to just try really hard to get over it and not think him not cancelling means I'm not as important.
I truly do appreciate all your advice as I am seeing him today and I don't want to let it ruin things. I mean, I know he feels awful as it is. I mean I even felt bad to see how bad he was feeling.. so I know he is upset that he unintentionally booked a gig when we already had plans that day.
I mean, he kind of broke down on the phone saying 'why do you want to even be with me?' 'all I end up doing is disappointing you and I'm getting better at it every day'. I know he feels good when I am happy and he really does want to make me happy.
And I know he said he is afraid that I'll keep holding onto it or take it out on him in subtle ways later by being closed off. Or that I'll start making things up in my head no matter what he says. And I DON'T want to do that.
I feel like everything happens for a reason... so I think this is all a good lesson for me in understanding/forgiveness/letting things go.
Thanks so much for all your help and support. I feel silly even making a deal out of it and it is nice to get kind support. Thank you;-)

I would be making a big deal as well. You only have birthdays once a year. LOL. I know he probably figures that you're upset, but it might do you some good to talk to him about it. Tell him you understand that it's his job, and typically you don't back out of commitments like that, but that you hope he'll find a way to make it up to you. Maybe he could play a special song for you if you go with him- like Happy Birthday ;) .

Hi ZoeMarie,
Thanks... that thought actually did cross my mind re: asking him to play happy b-day. Or there is a song he wrote for me that I always like to hear him play. Maybe I could have him dedicate it on stage and say it's my b-day and that song is for me or something. That would make me feel good.
He does know I feel hurt/bad/upset... although I didn't tell him how I felt re: cancelling the gig cause I didn't want to open a whole new 'can of worms' or make it worse.
I know he would do most anything I asked to make it up to me. Like if I asked him to bake me a special b-day cake.. or drive me to a special restaurant way out of town. I thought of having him make up what to do.. but I think it would be better if I came up w/ the idea.
Maybe I will ask him about dedicating my special song at his gig and then think of somewhere new + fun to go and eat on a different day.
Do you think I should mention anything about cancelling the gig... or just kind of leave it where it is. Or say something like 'well, I know I can't really ask you to cancel the gig cause that's not cool to do in the business and I know it is your job,. and then suggest something special we could do.
He said he'd like to plan something special w/ me on another day. And he did know that I was very hurt/upset and he really wouldn't have booked the gig if he had his right calendar in front of him. I know his memory isn't always the best.
Unfortunately I'm cursed w/ a good memory!! I wish I would forget stuff so I'd be more understanding when other people forget!!
I truly appreciate all the kind/helpful advice.
Thank you so much.. I am starting to feel better already;-)

He sounds like a super sweet guy. I wouldn't mention canceling the gig unless it's something like "I don't want you to cancel your gig or anything, just so long as we do something special." You know, something that says you really do want him to make it up to you but that you forgive him. He sounds like a great guy! I think it would be cute if he played you a song though for your birthday.

Never ask a guy to cancel his 'gig' for your birthday.
It wouldn't be the same anyway cause you would be feeling bad that he wasn't there even though you would be glad he was with you. Let him make it up to you or take you as Romesfall said or post phone your birthday.
I know your birthday is special but him not going to his thing effects the whole band and everybody that was planning on going.

Just wanted to comment that it's good of you to talk it out! Coming from a guy with a sometimes bad memory, I'm jealous that his actions didn't immediately prompt the silent treatment. Try not to get upset for too long.

::confused::confused::confused:well for starters i dont think you should let a date get into yer realationship i understand that its yer birthday but, you can't hold a grudge on someone who forgot something. i also understand he has bad memories but dont worry its okay....u and him rele shouldnt break up because of a little thing like that.
if you know tht yu love him dont be silly and stay with him. if he says he forgot and wont do it again trust him. love is trust:D:o:rolleyes

Thanks for all your advice everyone. It really does help me not to mention canceling the gig. Cause I really don't want to make anything worse. I actually wish he was in a band and not solo... cause then I wouldn't really even think of asking about cancelling the gig.
Which I know is not cool anyway to be thinking... and I know is really silly of me. So it helps a lot to vent it here and have your responses so that I don't say anything stupid and make a bigger deal out of things than need be.
I'm sure I'll get over it... I'm already starting to feel better from all your help. Sorry I seem hung up on the canceling the gig thing. Like I said, if he was in a band I probably wouldn't even think of it cause I know that other people would be counting on it. I probably just thought of it cause he is a solo artist.. anyways... I'll try real hard to let that go.
I think I just need to get the negative thought out of my head that him not offering to cancel the gig doesn't mean something bad or doesn't mean that I'm not as important.
As I write this, I do see how silly my thinking is... so in a way, it helps me to write this all here and get everyone's wise advice.. so then I think about it in a different perspective.
Thank you really so much everyone;-)

Let it go hon. He already feels terrible. And I'm sure he will want to make it up to you. There is nothing wrong with celebrating your birthday on a day that's NOT your birthday. In fact, as you get older you will find yourself having to do this more and more. My birthday falls the same time as my nephew. He is only 2 so obviously his is more important, so I celebrate mine the week after our birthday. My husbands birthday fell on a weekday. He was at work. So we celebrated that weekend instead.

*edit* wow sorry I didn't realise it got so long!

Thanks jennipepsi,
Yeah.. I realize all this is probably a good lesson for me. I don't have kids/neices/nephews or anything so I probably haven't gotten used to celebrating my b-day on a different day.
I guess the main reason I felt bad was because we already had special plans for that day... but I know he honestly didn't book the gig that day on purpose... so I realize I need to let it go.
And I truly appreciate everyone's help and everyone's reminders to let it go. It helps me try my hardest to let it go and focus on more positive things.
I truly appreciate it.
Thank you;-)

*hugs* no problem hon. Good luck :) and happy late birthday :)

Thanks jennipepsi,
Thanks for the b-day wish, but actually it isn't late... my b-day isn't for a couple of months. So that is why I feel pretty stupid for making a deal out of it. It's not like he forgot on my actual b-day, he just forgot the date and booked a gig for that day when we already had plans.
So I'm struggling w/ trying not to feel bad that he didn't offer to cancel the gig... when it is far in advance... I'm trying not to take it in a negative way. Trying not to think it means I'm not important if he didn't offer to cancel. Instead of having the thinking' hey, he cancelled on my b-day plans for the gig... why won't he offer to cancel the gig for my b-day?'
You see.. that's how silly my thinking is.. which is why I'm trying to vent it here instead of making the situation worse.
And I sooooooo appreciate all your kind responses and help. Really I do.
Thanks so much;-)

It sounds to me like you are being selfish. Work is work, everyone needs to make the money when ever they can. Ok so maybe he forgot your B-day, but there are more important things in the world. Just let me ask you one thing. Will his having to work on your B-day make a difference down the road? No it won't. I'll bet during his gig, he will remember you and let others know how much you mean to him. Maybe dedicate a song to you even if your not there. There are so many more ways to celebrate a birthday then on the day of it. Missing a birthday isn't as important as missing a person. Think of all of the people who can't share a birthday or any other day with the ones they really care about. If you two have a song, ask him if he could play it during his gig, every know your not there, believe me he won't forget about you.

Whether it is solo or a band if he cancels then the places might not want him back. If you want him to cancel then he can feel that you are not as supportive of him as maybe he might need you to be. I don't know he might be okay with it but I would go with being supportive.

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Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

let it go hon. he already feels terrible. and im sure he will want to make it up to you. there is nothign wrong with celebrating your birthday on a day thats NOT your birthday. in fact, as you get older you will find yourself having to do this more and more. my birthday falls the same time as my nephew. he is only 2 so obviously his is more important, so i celebrate mine the week after our birthday. my husbands birthday fell on a weekday. he was at work. so we celebrated that weekend instead.

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Have to spread the rep.

Thanks for all the advice. Just wanted to say that everything is good. We talked about it.. as I saw him today... it's always much easier to sort out this kind of stuff in person. Sometimes it gets tricky since we live an hour + away from each other, so it is always better in person.
He offered to still take me to dinner that night before his gig and I said I'd be happy to spend time w/ him and go to his show as well. So it all will be okay. I think it just helped to see each other in person.
I appreciate all your advice so that I didn't end up saying anything to make things worse. I also appreciate you letting me vent and helping see different perspectives.
Thanks so much for all your help;-)

Okay well your boyfriend forgot your b-day.dont holda grudge against for that because he obviously didn't intentionanlly forget.. its okay.. just ask him did you really no it was my birthday you just wanted the gig... ask him that

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Originally Posted by krazyrachel2009

Okay well ur bf forgot ur b-day.dont holda grudge against for that because he obviously didnt intentionanlly forget..its okay..just ask him did u really no it was my bday u just wanted the gig....ask him that

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Don't ask him that. That was a bad suggestion star. We've already established that he feels bad and is a really great guy anyway. You're on the right track with letting it slide.

Thanks,
Don't worry... I won't ask him that cause I honestly do know the answer. It's all good and I'm pretty much over it.
He said he'd take me to dinner that night before his gig(which I know is him making a big gesture cause he usually gets nervous/feels rushed before a gig and doesn't eat much... so I know he is offering to do that cause he wants to spend time w/ me and make me happy) and I did ask if he could play a special song for me and say 'happy birthday' at his gig... and he agreed... which I also know is him making a big gesture because he is pretty quiet/doesn't talk much at his gigs.
So I feel good and I know how much he really cares for me. And I know that it was not intentional and I'm sure he will try really hard not to do that again. And as I said before... he isn't known for having the best memory, which is something I'm learning to deal with since I love him... I'm learning to be more forgiving and realize that if he forgets something it doesn't mean that he doesn't care.. it just means that he is forgetful sometimes/doesn't have the best memory. Often times I have to remind him of things or he forgets them;-)
I'm learning to understand how not to take this personally... as mentioned before I tend to be over-sensitive, so I'm trying real hard to learn to not be quite as much.
Thanks so much again for all your help and support. I really appreciate it;-)

I'm happy everything is working out for you guys. =) Your situation reminds me a lot of my husband and me. I'm the pretty sensitive type too and he is forgetful. It's all about learning as you go and not making a big deal about little things. Good for you!

Thanks ZoeMarie,
It's good to find someone who understands. I guess it's just a testament to the love + care we feel for each other that we always want to work things out.
I mean, my boyfriend can be pretty over-sensitive at times too. Which brings me to another issue.. not sure if I should start a new thread, but since you were reading this one, I thought I'd post it.
What do you do when your man is insecure and sometimes gets angry because he makes things up in his head?
Well, here is an example: we were trying to figure out what to do and I jokingly said.. oh we could go to hear this band... not that I really want to go. And then all of a sudden he was real closed off and seemed angry. I can tell when he gets silent and doesn't respond much. And then it's like I have to remind him that I am on his side and he can tell me anything. I used to freak out real bad and get all crying/worried/etc... but now I know better how to stay calm and try and get him to tell me what is wrong.
Ends up he was thinking that I wanted to hear a certain band because I liked/was attracted to the guys in the band. Which I'm not at all and it seems silly to me for him to think that. But that happens sometimes... he gets real insecure about himself/his looks/etc... and then gets jealous/upset.. kind of takes a simple thing I say and thinks it means something else. And then I end up feeling angry that he is angry and hurt that he is sort of accusing me of liking these other people.. which I don't. I'm not that kind of girl at all. I'm a one man woman;-)
I guess my question is... since you said you are sensitive as well ZoeMarie... how do I not get hurt by this/take it personal. As I know it really doesn't have anything to do w/ me, but with his own insecurities. Which he freely admits to and admits that he sometimes has a bad week and starts feeling down/insecure/vulnerable and jealous... even though I give him no reason to be jealous.
Any tips/thoughts?
Thanks.. it helps so much to vent this on here. I feel that doing this helped me avoid trouble in the previous situation.
So I thank you so much everyone;-)

Well to tell you the truth my husband does that kind of thing too. He takes things I say and turns it around in his head to mean something totally different. Sometimes I just ask him "do you honestly think I said that to hurt you? that's not what I meant at all." Then it gives him a minute think. My husband does see a counselor from time to time though because of some insecurities.

I know he's been through a lot. There are books out there that you can read together to help understand each other. I think that's what has helped my husband and me a lot. His mom got us a book for our wedding. We knew before we got married that we still had things we needed to work on, communication being the number one thing and the book has helped a lot. If you want the name of the book it's Simple Secrets to a Great Marriage. I don't have a clue if you're anywhere near that stage, but it's good for couples who have been together for a while and are considering taking that next step.

Thanks ZoeMarie,
I know my man has really been through a lot too. He saw a couselor when he was young.. but not any longer. He really has had a rough life and the circumstances of his life made him pretty isolated/left out when he was younger... so I know that a lot of it stems from that.
And that example I gave you... I told him 'i just said that as a joke, I didn't really want to go' like sometimes I tease and say 'oh, I know you really want to go here!' kind of being sarcastic, but I guess he was in an insecure mood. He got jealous earlier in the week cause I seemed happy on some days when I wasn't with him and then down when I was with him... so he thought that other people/guys made me happier and he got all upset/insecure. But it was good it happened cause really I had just been down cause I needed to talk to him about some things that happened that had bothered me.
I guess that is the trouble w/ me being such a sensitive person. If I don't talk about it, then it builds up and I can't feel close/connected. But then it's tricky to talk about stuff in the right way so he doesn't get upset/defensive/feel blamed/wrong. I've gotten a lot better at trying to talk/explain my feelings in a non-blaming way. And he's gotten much better at listening to my feelings and acknowledging them. That's probably all I ever want... is to feel understood and to have my feelings acknowledged. I know that is what he wants too.
And he has learned what things to say when I feel that way... the words that help me. Though sometimes he forgets and then I have to remember not to take it personal and to know that he just forgot the words I need to hear. I mean.. he always says he is sorry if something hurt/bothered me. But I know I am pretty over-sensitive and that is something I am working on too.
In re: to marriage... I was all for that a year or so ago (we've been together about 3-4 years on and off)... we've been through a lot together and I know we both really want it to work or we wouldn't still be together. We had a struggle/issue about the marriage thing before. He didn't like the idea cause his parents and all his siblings have really bad situations/abusive or divorced.. so all he ever saw marriage cause was trouble. Or he saw that love equaled pain. I was really hurt at the time.. but I understand now. I also realize I'm definitely not ready for that yet either. And we have a lot of work to do in learning to communicate better and just 'be' with each other.. so I guess if the time is ever right.. it will happen. We both have health issues too that kind of get in the way as well. So we deal with that on top of it.. but also connect because of it. I know it wouldn't work right now even if we tried living together.. it would take a long story to explain why that is not possible right now anyway.. it has to do with our respective health issues, etc. but I believe if it is meant to be, that it will happen someday. And we love each other and care for each other and probably end up communicating better than a lot of married people I see/know... so I think things are going on a good path.
Thanks for letting me talk/vent. I really appreciate it. Seems like you and I have some similarities w/ our relationships. I have one more issue I'd like to ask you about.. but I need some sleep so bad!
I'm on a 3rd shift schedule.. it's 8am here and I need to get to bed... but I'll write more later if you don't mind. Thanks sooooooo much;-)

Yeah, I wasn't in any way saying to rush into marriage. I'm sure you know that, but I just wanted to clarify. I was just curious if that book would help you guys at all.