Hey, I'm new to this site and I know my problem is nothing compared to the other ones but this site seems so helpful and understanding. And I definetly need help.

I've been with this girl for 2 months (I know it's nothing but it's something to me) and she means a great deal to me. I've been with plenty of girls but I've never been so lifeless, empty and lonely. I was never the good b/f. I'm insecure and over protective cause its my first opening up, usually I hide away so I won't get hurt but this time I gave in all. I don't throw the word 'love' around but I love this girl. When I'm with her, I feel like I'm on top of the world. Anyway, I noticed she acted distant with me the last couple of weeks and I pointed it out to her and she said I was just thinking things again. We got into an argument and I broke it off with her, she came to my house around 2 am crying. I took her back in my arms and next night, we broke off again cause of my actions. I accepted it, thinking I could do it without her cause I've done it heaps of times before with the other girls but I couldn't. I wanted her back and did many things to win her back. I bought her gifts, went to her work, gave it to her and stayed right in front of her work in my car for 1 and half hours, pulling faces and writing 'I love you" on the car window fog. She was fine, she giggled and smiled the whole time. But she's told me she needs space, and wants to focus on studying cause its her last year. I didn't accept that cause I thought she was seeing someone new. Anyway, she hasn't. I just want her back but I can't. She's made up her mind. She still says she loves and misses me, I know she does. Its genuine when she says it to me but I'm confused and don't know what to do. Should I wait for her or just move on? She said she'll be free around December but she doesn't know if we can give it another try. She says time will tell. Which is understanding at times but sometimes I just want to get away from her. We went to the movies today. We kissed, cuddled and held hands. When I went away from her, instead of sitting close to her in the movies, she asked if I was okay and why I was so far from her? What does this mean? I'm so lost and don't know what to do. I test her by talking about these other girls who likes me but she just says go date them. I don't know if its out of jealousy or she wants me to move on. I asked her if she was happy and she said she wasn't when we were in the relatonship but now she is. She also says she misses how we used to be, when we first started dating and she does miss how we hanged out. Sorry if I keep repeating stuff. I just can't think straight. Someone help. I'll appreciate it. Should I wait or go? She's worth it I know but I'm afraid of the outcome, I suppose.

PS: She still messages me asking what I'm doing or wishing me a good day and that she loves me every morning.

NC for you.

Ignore all messages.

She obviously confusing the heck out of you with her insecurity. She's unsure of what she wants, so she's keeping you around, just in case she changes her mind.

It's time to step it up and give her the ultimatum. Tell her that your feelings for her are too strong and that you want more than a friendship. If she can't handle that, then it's time for you to move on with your life.

Make your intentions clear and she's going to have to make up her mind. After that, you have to make sure that you do not contact her anymore. She will contact you and only accept if she wants you back. If she's contacting you to let you know that she just wants to be friends or needs more time, then do not respond. If you keep talking to her, you will just continue to interpret every single detail or sign and that will just drive you nuts.

No point prolonging your pain and suffering. Let her know how you feel and start moving on with your life. If she comes back then great. If she doesn't, at least you'll have already moved forward with your life.

Hey thanks guys. Since, last night I've been reading posts and answers. It helped me a bit, usually I'll end up breaking down every night and do everything to hear her voice or talk to her online. But last night I went offline, slept. She called and msged but I didn't reply cause I thought my sleeping is a lot more important. Well, today I went to square one. Talked to her online and asked her why she msged and stuff. She said I thought I would have wanted to talk. I'll see her today (hopefully) and maybe after that, I could do the whole NC :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jlove09

I didn't reply cause I thought my sleeping is alot more important.

---

Sleeping is always more important!

I never used to think that cause I always put msyelf last when it comes to her. Just came back from shopping with her, feel sick and depressed now. I told her we got to lose contact, she was quiet. But yeah... I'm trying to let her go. I'll block her soon >.< Its hard.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jlove09

I never used to think that cause I always put msyelf last when it comes to her.

---

Never, and I mean never put yourself last to anyone. When you make someone more important then you, you give them your power and women do not like a guy who is not powerful.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jlove09

Just came back from shopping with her,

---

This is called contact. It is the opposite of no contact.

Seriously, why did you do this?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jlove09

feel sick and depressed now.

---

Because you are breaking your own rules. You know you deserve to treat yourself better and you are not.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jlove09

I told her we got to lose contact, she was quiet. But yeah...I'm trying to let her go. I'll block her soon >.< Its hard.

---

It is hard, but it is not impossible. We've all had to do it in the past and we all know that the longer you drag it out the more disgusted with yourself you will feel. The way out of your depression is to go to NC. Don't tell her about it, just do it. Don't get her opinion, just do it. Don't be scared if her feelings get hurt (or she lies and say they get hurt, she knows this is coming anyway) and just do it.

No you should not wait for her, because what if she never comes around? Its better to go on with your life so if she doesn't come back, at least you didn't waste any time, if she does than great.

She is playing games with you. Stop playing her games. It has to be yes or no and not between. I don't think its safe to say you love this girl, you ve just known her for 2 months. You are probably still in the honeymoon phase and everything seemsso perfect. Just give it some time.

I think you should cut all contact with her, and disappear from her life. You are not ready for a relationship until you have gotten over your own issues, and dealt with your own behavior in a positive way.

Your thoughts may tell you your in love, but your actions don't. Don't take this to harshly but your just learning some things about yourself.

You made mistakes, so did she. It didn't work, and neither of you could make it work, so instead of trying to fix what is broken, step back, leave each other alone, and fix yourselves.

When the emotional dust settles, you both can make a better decision for yourselves, as individuals, as to what you want to do, but by continuing to see each other, you both are forced to see the worse in each other, and make you both miserable..

No Contact is your answer.

Threads merged and edited.



Ever since, I kept asking her to come back till last night. She always messages me and still wants to talk cause she said time will tell, which is true. I know she still loves and misses me but I need to turn the tables around and MAKE HER COME BACK TO ME naturally without me needing to pull her back and make her feel prisoned. We went to the movies the other day, I cuddled and held her close to me as close as I can at the start of the movie but around the middle, I decided to eat my popcorn so I left her on the other side of the chair and she came up to me and asked what was wrong and why I was so far. Now, these days I've backed off a little to be honest, she messages me and I know for a fact she's not seeing anyone or anything. So, I think I still got a chance if I pull myself back a little and let her run back to me. I've been gyming and staying away from MSN, got rid of Facebook too cause its trouble and don't want to know what she's up to which is helping me to still love her but also keep my distance which I hope would drive her nuts. She said I changed, which was correct. I used to be so fun and she always thought I was an cause before she got my number of a friend and msged me. I never spoken to her and when she said hi, I said hi back and nothing more. So yeah :)

This site is helping me heaps too. I've been reading a lot of stories and been going back on askmen.com and when I feel like I'm going to run back, I just write it out and throw it away. I keep my pride, ego and love altogether.

That's why NC isn't always the case, I think. I'm pretty sure if you stayed friends, stayed positive. Maybe they'll come back? Hmmm Just a thought. I thought about doing the whole NC but I can't so I keep her there but too close either.

Personally, NC only works if you want to move on and heal. If you are trying to win her back, then NC isn't the solution, nothing is. She will have to want to come back on her own. But I don't see why people would go back to their ex, after just a week of NC, I saw how messed up my relationship was and got happy about it ending.

I would find it hard to be friends with someone I clearly had deeper feelings for. I think that is unfair to the friendship entirely.

I do not think there is a rock solid way to get someone back. The best thing to do is to be able to move on, get better, grow, learn and be yourself before, during, and after a relationship. If you can do that, you can have anything you set your mind to. The key is to not lose yourself, as fighting hard for someone who doesn't want you, is a sure fire way to lose yourself.

There is no defined process, plan, or procedure to get someone back.

The best thing to do is take what life throws at you, adapt, and overcome.

Get yourself happy by doing things that make you happy. Through that, you will meet others who like doing the same things and who are naturally attracted to you and your positive outlook.

I think many people confuse being friends with an ex with being CIVIL and MATURE with them. For example, Saturday, my ex and I were both invited by some friends to go to an MLB game. I had no clue she was even invited in the first place. When I saw her, I was definitely in shock.

Did I lash out and become a big baby? No.

Did I go into a-hole mode? No.

Did I go up and say "Hi", give her a hug, and see how she was doing? Yes.

Did I talk to her, act mature, civil, polite, respectful, and friendly? Yes.

Did I enjoy seeing her? Yes.

Did she enjoy seeing me? I don't know... I think so.

Did I still have a good time at the game, even though she was sitting right next to me the whole time? Yes.

Do I still have feelings for her? Of course!

Did I call her the next day and ask to hang out with her? No.

Do I want to call her and hang out with her? No.. not really right now, but if we run into each other while we are out, it won't bother me.

Are we friends right now? Not in my book, but that does not mean we never will be.

Are we civil, polite, and respectful to each other? Absolutely!

The point is, it is possible get along with an ex and still not be friends. Can everyone/should do this... No! I think that some people reach a certain point where they can, where others never get to that point (given how everyone's situation is unique).

However, I think is shows more about your character when you can be respectful, polite, and friendly when you see them, than it does trying to force a friendship along that will be clouded with old feelings and emotions, or being a complete jerk toward them. They're human with feelings, just like the rest of us.

Remember, NC is not a tool to get them back. NC is a tool to help you cope and move on. It doesn't have to last forever, but it has to practiced be long enough to get you to a point where you don't need that person in your life to be happy.

As far a pulling them back in... as the saying goes "only time will tell".

Hey guys
Yeah I know what you mean by NC for growing and learning. I've thought about whole sorts of things to do, but in the mean time I am also doing things that I enjoy and I plan to keep her as a friend too. We still talk heaps and I know she doesn't just talk to a friend heaps. I've decided that I'll work hard and make myself a better person. I don't plan to hang out with her, maybe once a month. So, if she moves in the process of me just being around then yeah I'll call it quits or if I meet someone along the way then that's my luck... I don't think break ups always should lead to NC

Jmw that was a nice approach :)

Yeah, me and my ex stll respects each other. For her late reply messages she says sorry and tells me what she was doing to send me a late reply. I guess she cares what I think still

Only she can make the decision to come back.

Be careful... You are forging a friendship with ulterior motives in mind. It's not going to work. Your feelings for her are still there. You are going into this friendship with the hope that she will take you back. Being in the Friend Zone is like being locked up in Alcatraz... hardly anyone escapes to the other side.

To approach a friendship with anyone in this way will usually lead to more emotional pain... when your plan to "pull" her back crumbles. Don't put you life on hold hoping and wishing for things to happen. You either make things happen or you don't.

Quote:

---

We still talk heaps and I know she doesn't just talk to a friend heaps

---

She does with you. Its dangerous to assume what people do, and why they do it. I think your keeping false hope alive.

Quote:

---

I don't think break ups always should lead to NC

---

If you need to heal from the shock, disappointment, and confusion of a break up it does. That's what NC is all about, Healing.

But if your not hurt, then you don't need it. Just make sure that false hope, and denial, don't cloud your judgment.

Puff Daddy said it best "Don't make an arse out of yourself, assuming"

Assuming gets you no where. It only leads to confusion and pain. Like when my fiancé said to me last night "If you want, you can do the dishes" I ASSUMED she meant "If you have a chance to do them, thanks" but I forgot and what she meant was "You better do the dishes or I am going to turn into Hitler and withhold what women normally withhold"

^^ I feel for you... they always use it as a tool and weapon to get what they want.

Threads merged

I'm not trying to start a war or anything. Just want to make a point and a opinion. I know every time something happens, this forum tends to give the NC rule out to that person. Maybe, sometimes its not always about leading your own life and pretending to be happy without the person you love. Maybe, it's about being a friend she would always turn to in time of needs. Someone she trust, depend and care about so much. Something truly great can may be built after friendship, time and her starting to see the bigger person in you.
Make her feel special, like she's worth it. Not all the girls are out to have someone hanging around or just cause they feel guilty they're just trying to be nice. Maybe it is something she really wants. To take time, space etc. But we tend to put out the NC on them as soon as they ask for what they want. I know its hard, painful and everything but wouldn't you become a stronger person if you forgive yourself, her and stay there as her friend. Wouldn't she be impressed and admire that? I've been confused for the last 3 weeks. I've asked plenty of girls about this and they say the same. If she wants space, give her space but don't run away from her and stop being her friend. Cause she really wants time to herself. But I come on here and I get the NC. Maybe its just not about NC at times...

So what do you think? Cause I read a lot of stories and sometimes, I wish people would stop doing NC and running away...

NC does not mean run away.

Pretty much like I'm not going to contact her cause I want to escape from her cause she makes me sad...

With contacting my ex after the breakup (personally) I either got severely depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts

Or severely angry to the point of screaming and throwing things.

So... I don't think we would be good friends.

Just a guess though.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jlove09

Pretty much like i'm not going to contact her cause I want to escape from her cause she makes me sad...

---

You're right.

Do you like to put yourself in environments and situations that depress you? I don't.

I think you're confusing the meaning of no contact. No contact, in our context, is a recovery process, not a means of blocking someone out of your life forever.

No contact is when you are no longer objective about your feelings. When you analyse every little detail. When you continue to have false hope, but there is actually no hope. When you act desperate and cannot control your emotions.

No contact means to distance yourself from that person until you have recovered from these symptoms. Once both of you have recovered and feel more objective, then you can try to start a friendship. But keep in mind, you cannot force a friendship if one of you doesn't want it to happen.

Let me put it to you this way. By being friends you are showing how much you care by accepting their request. This makes them happy because it's what they want. Whether so-called friendship bounces back to relationship is unpredictable at best. By asking for No Contact, you are now asking them to care about you and your feelings at least for a short while. They want space from you. You want even more space (with no contact). 9 times out of 10, this will piss them off. Exes tend to get mad when you say you need more space than them because now they aren't getting what they want. If they respect your request for NC, then it shows they do care about your feelings. If they are upset, then they are selfish. Plain and simple. I went NC with my ex (who wanted to stay friends) and she went crazy. She lost control. If she was really a free spirited and loving person, she would have accepted that I needed time to process the break up without her around. Her true colors became apparent and it actually made me hate her for a while.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I wish

I think you're confusing the meaning of no contact. No contact, in our context, is a recovery process, not a means of blocking someone out of your life forever.

No contact is when you are no longer objective about your feelings. When you analyse every little detail. When you continue to have false hope, but there is actually no hope. When you act desperate and cannot control your emotions.

No contact means to distance yourself from that person until you have recovered from these symptoms. Once both of you have recovered and feel more objective, then you can try to start a friendship. But keep in mind, you cannot force a friendship if one of you doesn't want it to happen.

---

Is there really ever hope for another 'relationship' even in the context of friendship,when one has hurt you so bad?

Personally I've done NC with bestfriends (besides relationships) and we just... go 100%

And a bestfriendship is hardly a relationship... so I'm pretty much aware I'll never make up with my ex.

I wanted to add something. If they say they just want to be friends and you accept, but try to pursue them anyway, then they will grow to resent you.

If you pretend friendship is what you want (and that's all you get), you will grow to resent them.

If you respect their need for space, but they don't respect yours', you will grow to resent them.

If you respect their need for space, and they respect your need for space, then you just broke up with a healthy, mature adult person and the both of you will still respect and possibly love each other meaning friendship would be detrimental to either of you moving on.

The only way friendship is possible (in my eyes), is if there are no feelings or attraction left from both parties (I have yet to see this).

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by inertia

Let me put it to you this way. By being friends you are showing how much you care by accepting their request. This makes them happy because it's what they want. Whether so-called friendship bounces back to relationship is unpredictable at best. By asking for No Contact, you are now asking them to care about you and your feelings at least for a short while. They want space from you. You want even more space (with no contact). 9 times out of 10, this will piss them off. Exes tend to get mad when you say you need more space than them because now they aren't getting what they want. If they respect your request for NC, then it shows they do care about your feelings. If they are upset, then they are selfish. Plain and simple. I went NC with my ex (who wanted to stay friends) and she went crazy. She lost control. If she was really a free spirited and loving person, she would have accepted that I needed time to process the break up without her around. Her true colors became apparent and it actually made me hate her for a while.

---

Ha.Funny thing. My ex left me for someone else 3 times I think,well the first didn't really count but anyhow.

After the first time when I said we couldn't be friends,my ex started bawling in front of me,yes crying,real tears

And THAT THERE is selfish as hell,because I had been crying about the relationship and here my ex is crying about the fact we won't have a friendship.

She then said to me 'promise oh promise me you'll see me again'

"as friends?"

"yeah"

"hell no"

"WAA WAA WAA WAA"

Give me a break. So then my ex kept writing me for months and we were on and off on and off

It was always physical though,for some reason my ex didn't want to commit.

Until I found out why... someone else... my ex was seeing.. during this time... and also the reason we broke up in the past

I tell the guy what's going on and he says "OMG ___ YOU CHEATED ON ME"

They had been 'dating' two weeks.

She then crys to him and says "I can't SEE YOU AS A FRIEND PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME"

So of course after this I tell her to f*** herself

Then she apologizes to me THREE TIMES over the course of a week.

Then says I need to get out of her life

Well as you can tell...

This is why I can't do the friends thing... a nice elaboration for you all.

It's always ugly. I don't want to paint them as a villain because they don't realize how much it hurts. Then when you reject their advances, they write you off as the jerk. The only ex boyfriends girls remember fondly are the ones who literally are always there for them, but they hardly date them again (except when rebounding). "That Harry is a great guy (but I don't really respect him)".

Take away an ex's power over you with NC and they think you are a bitter jerk.

Each relationship that ends is an individual thing. Every person and couple are different. NC may work just fine for some and not for others. I think its your choice and what works for you. If you hear NC on here over and over, its just our opinions. Only you know in your heart what will work and what you need.

Sounds as if you want confirmation that remaining friends is a good idea.

Firstly, your not just interested in being friends, your interested in being "friends" so that you can get her back.

Secondly, even if you could get her back using this strategy it probably has a 10&#37; chance of success, not great odds. Also consider that if you do not get her back how much worse you'll be off.

I say this because I wrote a similar thread years ago on this site questioning why members just throw out NC all the time regardless of the circumstances. I did not listen, I was not successful, it still bothers me years later. The advice here is some of the finest you'll ever get and I like many others are appreciative of that fact.

Think it through and govern yourself the way you think best.

Best of luck to you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Each relationship that ends is an individual thing. Every person and couple are different. NC may work just fine for some and not for others. I think its your choice and what works for you. If you hear NC on here over and over, its just our opinions. Only you know in your heart what will work and what you need.

---

Actually I disagree with this kind of speech. Yes we are all different (mostly in small ways), but human needs are universal. When we end a relationship we always tend to think no one could understand because it was so different. While it may be true that your relationship was unique in certain ways, your basic universal human needs are what brought you into the relationship, therefore heartbreak is a universal feeling. How we cope can be more varied, but the healthiest way to move on from a relationship is to let it go. Hard to let go when you are begging for your ex's leftovers.

Quote:

---

I wish people would stop doing NC and running away...

---

Your not running away. Your accepting reality and dealing with the most important issue there is, YOURSELF, AND HOW YOU COPE WITH YOUR FEELINGS OF LOSS.

The break up is no longer and issue once it happens, the feelings that the break up causes are. They hurt, and affect our thinking, attitude, behavior, in some very profound ways.

That's what No Contact is about, healing, and coping so you can make good decisions for yourself based on facts, and not just emotions.

But I understand what your saying very well, mainly because everyone who has posted here, has said the same thing.

Read their personal stories if you don't believe me.

I predict, you will eventually heal, and be stronger, and wiser, and healthier, just as they have. If you take a few suggestions..!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by inertia

Actually I disagree with this kind of speech. Yes we are all different (mostly in small ways), but human needs are universal. When we end a relationship we always tend to think no one could understand because it was so different. While it may be true that your relationship was unique in certain ways, your basic universal human needs are what brought you into the relationship, therefore heartbreak is a universal feeling. How we cope can be more varied, but the healthiest way to move on from a relationship is to let it go. Hard to let go when you are begging for your ex's leftovers.

---

I see where your coming from and have no argument. I guess for me sometimes I sit back and see both sides and think only the individuals know what's best. I always try to have an open mind and have wondered why the NC is always pushed in these threads. Oh I do understand it. Trust me. Been there myself. I know I sound wishy washy on it. Maybe I am.

Of course you are wish washy, no contact starts as a short term fix and usually becomes permanent. When someone dumps you and you want the relationship to work out, NC is the last thing you want to do. That's why it's a beautiful thing. It's empowering yourself. The ex is no longer in control of your future. Now the ex feels abandoned and out of control. All of your actions appear independent of your ex's wants and needs. You are moving on physically to move on emotionally. When you can do it without rebounding as well, you are proving you have the strength to persevere through heartbreak's despair and emptiness without your ex. They can't do that even though they dumped you (hence friendship). The biggest fear dumpees have about NC is truly losing the person you love, but you lost them when they dumped you. You have to let them lose you too for your own pride and sanity. It's not a punishment to the ex, it's giving them what they asked for on your terms. Maybe, just maybe next time they will think long and hard before they break up with someone.

Most importantly, you are freeing yourself from someone you loved and when you are ready, you will be available to love someone just as deeply again. Vs. those who stay friends with all their exes (options) and never give their heart to someone completely. Remember, YOU felt those emotions, they are yours, not your ex's. You can feel them again with someone else, but next time you will be a little wiser.

Sorry, last thing (I'm on a roll). Getting dumped sucks because you were not preparing yourself and keeping your options open. I know people who keep options in their pocket until they get married, although I disagree with this because those options are so tempting when your relationship hits the skids (as all do at times). Just remember how many people you "could have" connected with while you were taken. You didn't reject them because they weren't a better option. You rejected them because you have dignity and integrity. You are a trustworthy person and until your relationship is officially over, you are not looking.

Ride out the feelings of desperation alone and when you are yourself again, more options will present themselves naturally (as they did when you were in a relationship). Let the bed hopping exes continue their pathetic unfulfilling lifestyle without your help. Chances are if they left you for someone else, they will continue doing so. Or at least they are under suspicion.

BTW, if you are dumped by a person because they just don't see it working and then stay single for a time, then at least you have the comfort of knowing they gave it all they could and didn't betray you.