My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 5 years now, I'm 26 and she is 25. We met in college, fell in love, and had a pretty much stress free relationship ever since. We rented an apartment together and have been living with each other for the last year and half. Last week I came home from being out of town for a couple days and I was excited to hang out with her. She didn't seem herself, rather quiet and short with her conversations. I asked her if everything was OK and of course she said everything was fine and not to worry. We watched a couple movies, took a nap together, just hung out. I awoke at about 4AM to her tossing and turning. She said, while it was late, she needed to talk to me. We talked about 2 hours, specifics I don't really recall, but the same key points were coming across. She said she felt unhappy, she's felt this way for a while. She didn't know why really but she couldn't continue her life unhappy. I agreed with her, not that I was unhappy too but rather she can't continue being unhappy. She said that it might be best if she moved out for a bit and stayed at her sisters. I complied and said that I would do whatever I had to do to make sure she was happy again. A couple days passed, we talked briefly at night before we went to bed, but no real serious conversations came up. While it had only been a couple of days, I was struggling to understand where we stood and told her we needed to make some decisions. After a long phone conversation, what was a rather wonderful 5 year relationship seemingly ended. The best part of everything was that it did end well, all things considered. We talked about the happy times we had, the memories we made together. We talked about how we want only the best for each other. No bridges were burned, no aggression was had. Instead we cried together and told each other how much we loved one another.

In terms of us as people, we both grew up with a rather tough childhood. My mother passed away suddenly when I was 19, her parents divorced suddenly when she was in high school. I think because of these incidents, we both had a difficult time committing to a relationship. In fact for both of us this was the only "real" relationship either of us ever had. But these incidents, I think, is what made us compatible. We understood each others fear of commitment and respected the people we've become as a result of our lives. We are so much alike it is scary and I guess part of me felt comfortable that because of this we would be together forever.

I know there are a hundred sob stories out there that start and end the same way. I know that I'm not alone at what I am feeling but I'm just so afraid to let her go. I'm worried that we're getting older (though 26-25 is still pretty young) and we might never get back what we had. I'm really afraid that it is really over. I'm trying to stick with the basics. Eat, drink, and keep busy at work. The worst part though is I see her everywhere, not literally but everything I do makes me think about her. It might sound stupid but I broke down looking at the dryer sheets last night. I couldn't imagine going somewhere as stupid as the laundry mat without her. It is so hard to be alone in a house that was once filled with happy times of both of us.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this story, while I'd love some advice I know there are better places to look for it. Not to offend anyone out there, but obviously your friends and family know better than anyone. I guess it just helped a lot to tell my story and I thank anyone who listened. And maybe if anyone has something similar they might share a word of advice. I love this girl, I always have. Ultimately I just want her to be happy but I would do anything to get her back. I'm willing to sit in therapy together, willing to just give her space, willing to really do anything. The only thing I'm not willing to do is let a wonderful 5 year relationship with the person I have been saving money for to buy a ring, end on a hour phone call. Thank you, really, for letting me sob my sorrows.

Sad story. I know how you feel and I know it is hard. You seem pretty well put together and I think your head is on straight. I think it is over, for now, and I think you know that. My only advice is to trust the people who have always been there for you, and to vent on this website. A site full of people who have gone though what you are now going through, and full of people who have huge hearts. Good luck!

Very sad story indeed... I feel for you. It sounds like you might be a bit confused about what actually ended the relationship for her and you might need proper closure. Have you expressed to her that you would go to therapy, etc? Has she told you any specifics on why she hasn't been happy? This might help you work on whatever you might need to, or make you realize that this wouldn't end up working out. Whatever it is, I think you need to clear your confusion on this matter... it sounds like you really love this girl. I would also like to question what happened in those 2 days you were gone that would change her mood like that... it sounds rather fishy to me. I'm not jumping to conclusions, but being happy one day and unhappy/breaking up 2 days later with no reason... something might be missing.

Did she give any specifics on why she's not happy? That might be the best place to start..

You seem like a really good guy and I wish you the very best of luck.

I appreciate the kind words, I really really do. Knowing that someone is listening, even if I don't know them, makes me feel "something" again. It's hard to get everything out, I wanted to make sure I didn't bore anyone with too many details!

No not everything was perfect. We had our arguments. The last one we had was about 3 months ago. She was working long hours and we finally had a weekend to spend together with some friends. Went out drinking had a good time. I went home at about midnight and she stayed out. I didn't mind really, I have complete trust in her in terms of being faithful but I worry when I'm not with her when it's late. We live in the city and there are a lot of creeps out there. I texted her, asking her when she was coming home at about 1AM. She replied immediately saying she was on her way, 2 hours later she came home. I was upset, not that she was out, but that I was worried sick thinking something terrible had happened and she really had no clue she was making me feel this way. I think she resented me for getting upset, but really it was just because I love her so much... I didn't want anything to happen to her.

She works long hours in the spring, early summer. Sometimes almost 60 hours a week. I never blamed her for this but of course I miss her when she's gone. It seems like whenever we have arguments, it's around the same time every year. She didn't give any specifics as to why she was unhappy. I can speculate though... long works hours, same routine everyday (go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed). I think part of her feels suffocated, we've been together so long she doesn't know who she could be without me. She has made comments that she's uncomfortable that I take care of her, mainly financially. I told her that has never bothered me. She was my mate and I would do whatever I could to make sure she had an easy life, not because I had to but because I wanted to. I worry that she is afraid to let someone take care of her because of her past. Her mother, while a lovely person, is a wreck and went a little crazy after her divorce (married for 15 years with 4 kids). I'm concerned that she can't commit to someone because she's afraid to end up with nothing... you know if I don't have anything, I can't lose anything. I have this mentality too, but it was different towards her.

Yes I do really love her and I want her to understand that it makes me feel like the most important person in the world to get the opportunity to take care of her. I know I need closure. I jokingly told her it would have been a lot easier if one of us went and cheated with someone else. At least that way we'd have a solid reason to walk away. I know that I need to tell her some things, both so she can hear it and so I can get it out. It helps to write it out, but I need her to hear it. I'm just afraid if I tell her now, it won't get across. But I'm also afraid if I don't tell her soon, I might not get the chance.

Really, thank you again.

The reason she wanted to leave you is she wanted more personal growth. By being with you, she is satisfied, yes, but she doesn't have personal growth. She probably wanted to test the water with other relationship too before she commits. She was 20 years old at the time she dated you. That is a very young age.

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Originally Posted by justaguy123

She works long hours in the spring, early summer. Sometimes almost 60 hours a week. I never blamed her for this but of course I miss her when she's gone. It seems like whenever we have arguments, it's around the same time every year. She didn't give any specifics as to why she was unhappy. I can speculate though...long works hours, same routine everyday (go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed). I think part of her feels suffocated, we've been together so long she doesn't know who she could be without me. She has made comments that she's uncomfortable that I take care of her, mainly financially. I told her that has never bothered me. She was my mate and I would do whatever I could to make sure she had an easy life, not because I had to but because I wanted to. I worry that she is afraid to let someone take care of her because of her past. Her mother, while a lovely person, is a wreck and went a little crazy after her divorce (married for 15 years with 4 kids). I'm concerned that she can't commit to someone because she's afraid to end up with nothing.... you know if I don't have anything, I can't lose anything. I have this mentality too, but it was different towards her.

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I wouldn't speculate honestly. If you really want this to work you need to find out why she is unhappy. You can come up with answers yourself... it'll drive you crazy though. You need to talk to her and figure out what issues she had with the relationship, then work on those if you really want to be with her. Not to insult her, but if she's ending a relationship because she's "scared" then she needs to see a therapist and work through her issues established through her mom. You can't fix everything for her, and only she can fix her own issues. Knowledge is power so figure out exactly what went wrong for her first and work from there.

But if she voices that she does not want to work on things and wants to truly be apart, then you need to honor her request and leave her be, you won't convince her to be with you unless she actually wants to be with you. I hope this helps.

I'm sorry to read about your situation. Mine is a little similar, though we've only been together for a year and a half, we've been through some really big things together. Just like you, one night she was restless and couldn't sleep. She told me the next day that she just didn't feel the same. It just sucks. I have no advice to offer because I'm still a wreck, but reading your story gives me a little comfort in knowing I'm not the only one. I hope she let's you know what changed, I wish I knew in my situation also. Maybe she doesn't know though, and only time will tell. Best of luck to you man! Hopefully everything works out for the best.

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Originally Posted by jmooney527

I wouldn't speculate honestly. If you really want this to work you need to find out why she is unhappy. You can come up with answers yourself... it'll drive you crazy though. You need to talk to her and figure out what issues she had with the relationship, then work on those if you really want to be with her. Not to insult her, but if she's ending a relationship because she's "scared" then she needs to see a therapist and work through her issues established through her mom. You can't fix everything for her, and only she can fix her own issues. Knowledge is power so figure out exactly what went wrong for her first and work from there.

But if she voices that she does not want to work on things and wants to truly be apart, then you need to honor her request and leave her be, you won't convince her to be with you unless she actually wants to be with you. I hope this helps.

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I don't agree with this, if has the talk now he'll just get under her skin, she wants something other than this relationship and I'm confident an interrogation isn't what she had in mind. And it's clear that she wants to be apart because she broke up with him.

However, I think all severed couples should have this talk, but only after enough time has passed, and then wait few more months to be on the safe side.

Anyway... any contact with her is only going to hurt you, trying to get new information on her is going to hurt you. Stay NC and keep your chin up.

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I don't agree with this, if has the talk now he'll just get under her skin, she wants something other than this relationship and I'm confident an interrogation isn't what she had in mind. And it's clear that she wants to be apart because she broke up with him.

However, I think all severed couples should have this talk, but only after enough time has passed, and then wait few more months to be on the safe side.

Anyway... any contact with her is only going to hurt you, trying to get new information on her is going to hurt you. Stay NC and keep your chin up.

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Well he either tries to get closure... or try NC and drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out for yourself why she wasn't happy. He loves her and would do anything to keep the relationship going... and having a 5 minute discussion with someone you're still talking to(justaguy123 you can correct me if I'm wrong) won't hurt. It sounds like you're on relatively good terms with her during and post breakup so I doubt it'll "push" her away if you casually ask why she was unhappy with you.

I'm not sure if he can go NC given how things ended with her... she just said "I'm unhappy" and the relationship ended.

Just my opinion. Without knowing how the relationship is ending, how are you supposed to move on? You can't personally grow from something when you don't know what went wrong.

You move on because you have no choice. Everyone makes a huge deal about this "closure" issue. Look, when someone says they aren't happy in a relationship with YOU anymore, that is closure... that's it, done deal. What do you want her to say? Found another guy, she is a lesbian.. I mean what? Really?

This is life, things end, and it is what it is. Sucks, but drowing yourself in questions isn't the answer.

But he is drowning himself in questions because he has no answer. After being in a 5 year relationship what harm is there in keeping contact for another 5 minutes to find out why? He hasn't done NC yet so what progress is lost in doing so?

She said she wasn't happy... am I missing something? That is why it has ended. I would find it very difficult for anyone to explain to someone they deeply care for why they aren't happy with them anymore, and I truly don't see the point in sitting down and listening to someone say that. Progress isn't made by gaining answers to questions, it is trying to find yourself again. The biggest mistake we ever make in a relationship is losing ourselves in it. So, ask all the questions you want, but ask the ones that are relevant to your well being. Look, at the end of the day, a broken heart usually can't be explained... the circumstances surrounding it are many years in the making... so the most quick way to getting yourself back is not questioning, but accepting that things are happening for a reason.

Sorry if I upset you in any way KC... I thought this is supposed to be an advice forum for people, not a place to argue what the best answer to a problem is. There is no right answer for everyone... only justaguy123 is going to do what he thinks will work best.

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Originally Posted by jmooney527

Well he either tries to get closure... or try NC and drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out for yourself why she wasn't happy. He loves her and would do anything to keep the relationship going... and having a 5 minute discussion with someone you're still talking to(justaguy123 you can correct me if I'm wrong) won't hurt. It sounds like you're on relatively good terms with her during and post breakup so I doubt it'll "push" her away if you casually ask why she was unhappy with you.

I'm not sure if he can go NC given how things ended with her... she just said "I'm unhappy" and the relationship ended.

Just my opinion. Without knowing how the relationship is ending, how are you supposed to move on? You can't personally grow from something when you don't know what went wrong.

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We are on good terms, while the conversation was sad for both of us... neither of us took out our emotions on each other. When she/we broke it off, I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I could talk to her anymore. Not because I was angry with her, but because I don't think I can do the "just friends" thing. If we were friends, I would always be trying to get back with her and neither of us would ever have a healthy relationship. She started crying after this and told me she couldn't imagine not having me in her life, she told me she loved me. I countered this by saying, I was just probably being over dramatic about never being able to talk to her and in truth... I was. I told her I loved her and I really couldn't just stop talking to her forever after the initial breakup.

She still has all of her stuff at our place, so there has to be some communication to coordinate everything. We re-signed the lease together 2 weeks ago, so there has to be some contact regarding that. I really want to call her tonight, but it's only been 1-2 days since the initial conversation. I'm sorry I realize the reasons behind the NC thing, but I don't care... I love her too much to just give up. If it's over, it's over and I will learn to live with that. But I agree jmooney, I'll go crazy if I don't know what happened. In regards to the NC thing, I did break and texted her this morning. I said "I know I'm not supposed to talk to you, but please have a good day". She and I shot back a couple texts after that, nothing about us or our situation... but just a few jokes here and there. Might heart wants to spill everything out to her, I just want to be careful not to overwhelm her and scare her off for good.

I almost want to call her tonight, just to say: "I will always be thinking about her and I want to give her the time she needs. I have a lot of things to say, a lot of questions, but I don't think we are ready right now. I think we should get something to eat, see where we are as individuals after the dust settles. After all we've been through, we both deserve that".

Short, too the point, and nothing too sappy. I just don't know if tonight is too soon.

Not upset at all... the point of threads is to generate enough differing advice to offer the OP with a sound solution based upon many perspectives. I wasn't trying to argue, just hope that all opinions will be taken into consideration before a RATIONAL decision of any kind is made.

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Originally Posted by jmooney527

Well he either tries to get closure... or try NC and drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out for yourself why she wasn't happy. He loves her and would do anything to keep the relationship going... and having a 5 minute discussion with someone you're still talking to(justaguy123 you can correct me if I'm wrong) won't hurt. It sounds like you're on relatively good terms with her during and post breakup so I doubt it'll "push" her away if you casually ask why she was unhappy with you.

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C'mon, do you really believe it will be a five minute conversation and not a second more? The over-under on that phone call is two-hours. Keeping in touch with the person quickly leads to frustration and that's when it all goes sour and then they'll both be pushing each other away.

Closure is garbage, really. Hollywood makes you think you need it, you don't. I still have none from my last two or three break-ups and I'll be seeing the most recent ex this Saturday after eight months. I don't expect closure and it's been so damn long I couldn't care less now, and that's where I want be. I only got there by sticking to NC for all eight of those months (well like 90%).

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Originally Posted by jmooney527

I'm not sure if he can go NC given how things ended with her... she just said "I'm unhappy" and the relationship ended.

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Sure he can stick to NC. NC isn't a decathlon, it's inaction, it's one of the easiest things to do or not do, whichever way you look at it. It's one of those times where laziness is a virtue.

Yes, she did say that, and that's reason enough. Also, that's more than some people got. Read some threads on here about how some folks were left high-and-dry without warning or any parting words. I think we all can agree that's pretty low.

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Originally Posted by jmooney527

Just my opinion. Without knowing how the relationship is ending, how are you supposed to move on? You can't personally grow from something when you don't know what went wrong.

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You don't have a choice, like kctiger already wrote. You have to move on, or have countless sleepless nights and indefinite misery.

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Originally Posted by justaguy123

We are on good terms, while the conversation was sad for both of us... neither of us took out our emotions on each other. When she/we broke it off, I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I could talk to her anymore. Not because I was angry with her, but because I don't think I can do the "just friends" thing. If we were friends, I would always be trying to get back with her and neither of us would ever have a healthy relationship. She started crying after this and told me she couldn't imagine not having me in her life, she told me she loved me. I countered this by saying, I was just probably being over dramatic about never being able to talk to her and in truth...I was. I told her I loved her and I really couldn't just stop talking to her forever after the initial breakup.

She still has all of her stuff at our place, so there has to be some communication to coordinate everything. We re-signed the lease together 2 weeks ago, so there has to be some contact regarding that. I really want to call her tonight, but it's only been 1-2 days since the initial conversation. I'm sorry I realize the reasons behind the NC thing, but I don't care...I love her to much to just give up. If it's over, it's over and I will learn to live with that. But I agree jmooney, I'll go crazy if I don't know what happened. In regards to the NC thing, I did break and texted her this morning. I said "I know I'm not supposed to talk to you, but please have a good day". She and I shot back a couple texts after that, nothing about us or our situation... but just a few jokes here and there. Might heart wants to spill everything out to her, I just want to be careful not to overwhelm her and scare her off for good.

I almost want to call her tonight, just to say: "I will always be thinking about her and I want to give her the time she needs. I have a lot of things to say, a lot of questions, but I don't think we are ready right now. I think we should get something to eat, see where we are as individuals after the dust settles. After all we've been through, we both deserve that".

Short, too the point, and nothing too sappy. I just don't know if tonight is too soon.

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Right I don't think you should try to be friends with her. Maybe just get the information and then consider NC shortly afterwards. You want her to be happy but you want to be happy as well.

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

C'mon, do you really believe it will be a five minute conversation and not a second more? The over-under on that phone call is two-hours. Keeping in touch with the person quickly leads to frustration and that's when it all goes sour and then they'll both be pushing each other away.

Closure is garbage, really. Hollywood makes you think you need it, you don't. I still have none from my last two or three break-ups and I'll be seeing the most recent ex this Saturday after eight months. I don't expect closure and it's been so damn long I could care less now, and that's where I want be. I only got there by sticking to NC for all eight of those months (well like 90%).


Sure he can stick to NC. NC isn't a decathlon, it's inaction, it's one of the easiest things to do or not do, whichever way you look at it. It's one of those times where laziness is a virtue.

Yes, she did say that, and that's reason enough. Also, that's more than some people got. Read some threads on here about how some folks were left high-and-dry without warning or any parting words. I think we all can agree that's pretty low.


You don't have a choice, like kctiger already wrote. You have to move on, or have countless sleepless nights and indefinite misery.

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Wow. I'm not going to join in on this argument. Justaguy, do what you think will work best for you. Take the advice anyone gives you with a grain of salt because you know more about yourself and your own life than any of us. You don't always have to take the bitter approach when dealing with these types of things. Worst case scenario, you learn from any mistake that you thought you might've made.

Listen, what you are going through is very similar to my case. I was dating my girlfriend for 7 years, & she was around 20, too, when we first met.

All I can say is that, at the age of 20, girls are very young to get in a serious relationship that will eventually lead to getting married (based on my conclusions from my situation). Sooner or later, they feel smothered. This is common, it happens to every girl.

My fiancé as well told me one day she doesn't feel the same. From one day to another. From happy to unhappy, suddenly. Just, be happy that your girlfriend didn't destroy what you had for 5 years, because mine did. My ex chose to break up the rough way, destroying any lines of communication, leaving me with bitter feelings towards her. Don't be sad that your relationship ended. You can smile that it just happened.

Now, straight to my point: you & are your ex seem to be very mature. Be glad that she left the lines of communication open. You still have some moves to make, but you got to be careful, pal.

First of all, my suggestion is: never, ever argue with her again, for any reason. No matter how angry you might feel, if you ever have an argument again (even the slightest one), you'll scare her away. Also, don't listen to the advice you get from other people that goes like "move on, it's over, forget about her, blah blah blah". My friend, it's too soon to say it's over, she's the woman you love with your heart, you OUGHT to try make her come back. HOWEVER, you might VERY soon get to the point of "no-return", where there will be nothing more you can do. But, you haven't reached this point yet. Keep us updated, and we can tell you when you reach this point.

I'd suggest you go for 3-4 days with NC (I mean ABSOLUTELY NC), then you can send her a short message, asking her (actually, politely demanding) if you can meet for an hour or so.. "coz i've been thinking lately & I have made some decisions about us, about my life, which I have to discuss with you". This might arouse her curiosity, and she might give you an extra hour or so with her. If this discussion won't change anything, then go to hard NC for weeks, or even months. Never ever beg her again to discuss again.

The most important rule: no matter how politely she treats you, do NOT appear too needy/desperate to get back with her. Don't think she'll consider it sweet. No woman does, during a break up, no matter how big her heart is.

Concluding, I tell you that it's up to you to play your cards right, showing her that "i do love you, but I can live without you". Tricky as it might sound, but if you do it correctly, the result will be miraculous.

Give yourself some time to get over your shock at being dumped. All your questions can wait for that.

I hate giving advice to people in shock, but venting , ranting , and raving is okay. For that, your in the right place.

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Originally Posted by tree56

Now, straight to my point: you & are your ex seem to be very mature. Be glad that she left the lines of communication open. You still have some moves to make, but you gotta be careful, pal.

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I appreciate the kind words of advice and I'm sorry for your similar situation.

I got some time today to talk to my family and friends. While I didn't come to any conclusions, it feels good to let it out.

I haven't contacted her. I don't plan on it for at least a few days. Maybe longer. We do have some unresolved issues outside our relationship so just never talking again really isn't an option (i.e. what the hell are we going to do with an apartment we just re-signed a lease to... 2 weeks ago?).

I've been trying to stop smoking for months now... it's really hard but NC with someone this close is almost unbearable. We've told each other we love them everyday for 5 years, how can that just "stop"? (I'm not really looking for an answer to that question... just what's going through my head!)

Thanks again everyone for listening, it's nice to know there's life after this pain.

I read your story and I really know how it feels to be lost alone in love it's a world of confusion and depression. If you haven't did anything wrong and she's simply unhappy for no apparent reason then sweetie it's not you at all. She's the one who seems to be confused. It's obvious you love her dearly and for her to step out like that wasn't right at all I think you should just take it step by step and you two should talk and figure out what is really wrong but for the mean time just give yourself time to heal up and get use to be alone for a while and it will get easier for you I promise

Ok from what I can tell everyone who has responded to your posting are guys... So let me give you a little advise from a woman...

I was married at the age of 19 for 5 years.. I loved my husband but then we started going out on our own with our friends and sometimes together... let me tell you there is a lot of temptation out there and I don't care who you are there is always someone better then you, someone who talks to her the way she wants to be talked to... I saw things in other guys that I liked but my husband didn't have... thats how we ended, the same way you and your girlfriend ended... I was unhappy, young and wanted to test the waters. This is going to be harsh but she probably cared about you enough to end it before she knew she was going to make an even bigger mistake and cheat... she met someone else but of course she still cares for you and does not want to hurt you... I am not just blubbering... I have been in the same situation she is in and that is exactly what it sounds like from what you have said...

I wasn't myself, had nothing really to talk to him about, and was thinking to myself all the time how I should tell him and the easiest thing to do was to tell him I wasn't happy..

It sucks but from what it looks like you don't want to believe she may have met someone else

You will be fine, take it one day at a time and good luck if you do get back together...

It seems like you love each other, but you sound like you miss your long-term roommate rather than missing a romantic partner.
You love her, but there is no passion in how you describe your relationship. I think passion in a relationship is important.

We've always had passion really, but yes honestly it has seemed to fade these past months. I chalk that up to working long, getting in a bad routine, and sometimes I think that time apart is good to break that routine. But really I can't deal with breaking up every time we have busy hours. If we ever get back together, this is the first thing that has to change.

I was doing pretty good with the NC thing, granted it had only been 24 hours, I was happy with myself for not caving. This morning I took a shower and when I got out I noticed that I had a text from her. Basically said have a good day. Pretty much identical to what I texted her yesterday. I was confused as to why she was texting me, again it was she that wanted the time apart. Was she lonely, guilty, or something else? The only conclusion that I could come up with was that she is confused right now. She doesn't know what she wants but thinks maybe if she keeps a little contact she'll at least have an option. Needless to say, I cracked. I texted her back. Again nothing about us, a quick joke, a couple texts back and forth. I kind of regret it now, it's like I'm just getting my hopes up... but I really can't blame myself. I still love her, despite what she is doing, and while I think I can get over that... I'm not sure that I want to (at least not this fast). I don't plan on talking to her this weekend, instead I'm looking forward to hanging out with my family. While I miss her and want nothing more than for us to be together, I think that it's time she misses me. Hell if she doesn't then maybe this love I feel wasn't what I thought it was.

Thought I provide an update, more so for myself as I feel like the biggest piece of in the world.

After a couple days of seemingly no contact with each other, I asked her to come over so we could talk about where we stood. I spent a couple days reflecting on what I wanted in a relationship, what I could change to make our relationship better. I made a list of about 15 things that I thought could help us. Stupid little things like take a class together, hold hands, be more open about our feelings towards one another. She came over, we ordered some food, and I talked for a good hour going through this list and what I have learned about myself. I was confident that she would be receptive and hopeful that things might find a way to work themselves out. She looked at me, told me she had to be strong. Said that she had to work on things by herself right now, maybe it was the biggest mistake of her life but she had to do what she believed. She told me she was sorry, but feels like a huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders. I was crushed, after 5 and some years to hear someone say a weight has been lifted after they breakup with you was painful to say the least.

I spent the next week in pretty bad shape but I forced myself to get out... talked about things with my family and friends. It was encouraging to have all this support but I still had this huge hole in my heart. I drank quite a bit, not by myself but I went out pretty much everyday with friends. It was depressing, this was how things would end up? Drinking at bars, being that drunk "single" guy? I don't want that, I want to be in a relationship, I want someone to share my life with.

Last night I did something terrible. I had some friends in town for a long weekend. We drank a lot, I drank more than typical. After being out for about 10 hours, I found myself at a summer concert and ran into a friend from high school. We were both pretty intoxicated and my buddy's were talking to her about my dilemma the last couple weeks. One thing lead to another... and well you get the idea of what happened. I sit here now feeling worse than ever. How could I possibly do this to my ex? I've had 3 partners in my life (including this latest). I'm not a person who goes out and just picks up some random person to go home with. I don't have any excuses, but what hurts that most is knowing that I made the biggest mistake of my life, something that will most surely ruin any changes of reconciliation. How could she ever look at me again? I have trouble looking in the mirror myself. Am I a terrible person? I'm pretty sure I am. Could she ever get past this if we ever tried to work things out (something I've been praying for the last week or so)? Boy do I feel like an absolute piece of .

You are a young lad get out there and enjoy it. At your age there are loads of girls out there for you to discover and experience. I know at the moment you feel like there is no one else out there for you but you have plenty of time on your hands. Don't feel guilty because you had fun with someone else. Why should you? She dumped you.

I'm 38 and my girlfriend of 3 years changed due to her mom getting ill and passing away. She went from a homely girl who liked nights in to a girl who goes to the gym a lot, had a make over and goes out a lot and has a very active social life. She wants her independence back. She started to shut me out and there was very little I could do. People change all the time and it can mean a relationship breaks down. I am gutted she left me because I thought she was the one I would settle down with. But on reflection the girl coming out of the relationship in the last 4 months is not the same one who I went out with for the rest of the time. We just grew apart and this is probably what is happening to you. It was only 5 months ago she was wanting us to get a house together. I loved my ex but I respect her and had to let her go so she can be happy. I've not contacted her since the split a month ago. No reason to, she won't come back and if she did she has to do it without any pressure. In the mean time, I am being selfish and looking after myself, started going to the gym, eating better food,catch up with old friends I haven't seen for a while. Basically keep myself busy and doing things I couldn't when I was in a relationship

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I don't have any excuses, but what hurts that most is knowing that I made the biggest mistake of my life, something that will most surely ruin any changes of reconciliation.

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Still holding on to false hope, despite the facts? That's your problem, your not accepting reality, nor adjusting to the changing circumstances.

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Could she ever get past this if we ever tried to work things out (something I've been praying for the last week or so)?

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More false hope, and just so you know your consumption of so must depressants (alcohol) will make things a lot worse, as you have seen for yourself.

You really need to let go, and dealing with your loss in a much better way.

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I want to be in a relationship, I want someone to share my life with.

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Then get your act together, and heal, so you will be ready for someone who wants what you want appears in your life.

She doesn't appear to be that one. Accept it.

justaguy123, I can really empathize with you man. I hope that you continue to provide updates. Your situation is somewhat similar to mine, and this thread has been really helpful and comforting to know that someone is going through the same sort of deal.

Well it's been about 2 months now since the breakup, I haven't posted anything in a while and thought I'd provide an update. At times I thought I was really making progress, beginning to heal a bit. But honestly I must have just been kidding myself.

I recently moved, which was difficult in itself as I had to back out of a lease we signed together a few months ago. I thought that it would be a good change for me, for one it was almost unbearable to sit in a house that was once our place. I look back on it, it may have not been the best decision but I cannot fault myself for doing it... right or wrong. It was the first decision I have made for myself in a long time and there is a comforting feeling in that.

We've had little contact with each other, especially in the last couple weeks since I moved. Over the past months, I've seen her a couple times. The most significant, I helped move most of her stuff from our old house over to her new apartment. I convinced myself I was doing it because, well I'm a nice person and she didn't have anyone else to help. The reality was I used it as an excuse to see her. I don't really know what I thought was going to amount from seeing her (maybe she was going to tell me she misses me and made a huge mistake... haha), but all that came out of it was more pain. Seeing her only reminded me of how much I miss her. So I made a commitment to myself that I cannot make excuses to see her. A commitment that is one of the hardest I have ever attempted. I told myself that if she wanted to talk to you... she has to be the one to initiate it.

At first it was really hard. I'd have a few drinks on the weekend and suddenly I'd find myself sending her stupid texts at random times. Nothing sappy, nothing mean, just a joke or two... something we used to do when we first met. I'd feel like an idiot the next morning, I'd feel guilty towards myself that I didn't keep my word. So I decided to delete her number from my phone. While I knew I could get her number if I really needed to, I knew that if I had a few drinks I'd be less likely to send her that message. It worked for the most part... most part meaning I've haven't sent her a text since I deleted the number a few weeks ago... well...

It was her birthday yesterday. Having not spoken to her in weeks, I thought I would send her a text wishing her a happy birthday. Of course I didn't get a response, in all honesty it didn't really bother me that much, figured maybe she was busy. The day progressed, I forced myself to get out of the house and try to stay busy. I met up with a mutual friend of my ex and we were talking about how he ran into her the night before. She was a bit upset, I guess her family was in town and didn't make mention of her birthday. I thought maybe I'd give her a call. Probably not the best idea I've had, but I still care, I still worry, I still haven't progressed as far as I need. I got the machine, honestly I was kind of hoping for it. I left a short 30 second message, happy birthday... hope you are well... take care. There has been no acknowledgement from her since. No "Thanks! Had great birthday", no anything. In fact in the last 3 weeks she hasn't even dropped me a single message asking how I was doing, asking about my new place. Hell I wish I had her strength she had for the no contact, though I think I'm doing all right. A couple jokes texted here and there and one phone call on the birthday. That's it. I know that it isn't complete no contact but it is really difficult for me to just walk away from my best friend with the thought that I will never talk to her again.

I guess I'm not sure where all this is going. I really wish the questions in my head would stop and that I could go one day without thinking about what she is doing. I wish that I had at least one answer. How can someone end a 5-6 year relationship over the phone, with seemingly no more reason then... I have to do this? How can someone just walk away from something that was such a big part of their life with little, if any, emotion? How can someone just completely stop caring for someone that cared so much? What happened?

I'm not sure if I'll ever get those answers from her, I'm not sure it matters.

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Originally Posted by justaguy123

How can someone just walk away from something that was such a big part of their life with little, if any, emotion?

How can someone just completely stop caring for someone that cared so much? What happened?

I'm not sure if I'll ever get those answers from her, I'm not sure it matters.

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1. very easily. Could have moved on before she left you

2. you'll never get any answers, not if you keep contacting her cause then she knows she can get you back anytime.

I has something similar happen to me (2 months ago) I talked to her for 2 weeks till she got all her stuff out, and one time about 3 weeks ago to get the stuff she walked out with that was mine. Mine moved on real quick (6 hours) and is now engaged 2 months after leaving me. If I contact her I would be back at square one, even if she doesn't responded, so I don't. I have recently had to stop my friends giving me updates, they didn't get the clue when I never asked and never really brought her up.

Its hard when you have access to the number, but you need to show more restraint, it hurts at first (oh wow does it hurt) but it needs to happen.

Thought: you need to stop drinking, it's a depressant and will help you in NO way. Find something more constructive, lifting, hiking, learn something new (I'm going to get into scuba driving in 2 weeks). Try an activity that will get you out there to meet new people, girl or guy doesn't matter.

I broke up about the same time as you and responded earlier..

So I'll give you an update on how I am.

Apart from 1 text from her and my response I have not heard a thing from the ex in 2 months. After 1 month I decided to remove her from my Facebook and blocked her. I didn't tell her, I just did it. I had to stop myself from checking her Facebook status

We use to be on MSN all the time but I've blocked her and she hasn't been on so maybe she has blocked me too.

For the first 2 weeks I couldn't concentrate at work and work break down.2 weeks after the break up I decided I couldn't spend anymore time thinking about the ex sat at home. So I decided to join the gym. I go 3 to 4 times a week after work. Go on the treadmill,cross trainer and weights. I was wakign up at 5:30 every morning and getitng less than 5 hours sleep. Only recently have I been sleeping better and longer. I have also decided to start reading books and make an effort to read for 20 minutes before going to bed so I don't think of the ex much last thing. I also getting into bikign and hiking and going with friends more.

I also spent the last 2 months getting intouch with old friends and going to visit them all over the place. I try to keep my weekends busy.

I am still in NC because I just don't want to risk openigng old wounds and going back to day 1. I still do miss her a lot and wish she had talked to me sooner before things fell apart. But I have got my emotions under control and learnt how to keep her at the back of my mind. Although I do have sad moments occasionally each week.

Not quite ready to date again but who knows, I meay start tallking to someone when I least expect it.

Basically, if you want to move on you need to focus on yourself, get out and about, push yourself, take up activities and stimulate your brain with other stuff, so then you have less time to think about your ex. Don't give her your time she doesn't deserve. Have some short term and medium term goals or plans. Such as fitness targets, holidays.. etc

You have to realise you have to let go of all those unanswered questions. They will ljust never get answered. Over time you won't care about them.

So she just called me, I didn't answer, left a message... thanking me for calling her. I don't call her back, do I? I want to talk to her but I'm not sure...

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Originally Posted by justaguy123

So she just called me, I didn't answer, left a message.... thanking me for calling her. I don't call her back, do I? I want to talk to her but I'm not sure....

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Nope, delete the message. It's too soon. Not having any communication back will send a message that you are taking your time. To learn about yourself and see what life is like without her, trust me, you and I both need that time. ( it's been enjoyable for me, except when my friends give me news updates )

Have you deleted her fb and myspace from your account. Also delete her number and show some restraint, or delete the number then go read a math book front to back and do all the problems

Keep your head high. Give her some time to find whatever is that she is looking for - always let her know that you are there to be her friend and hopefully more and would like to take steps to fixing her unhappiness because your relationship is something you would like to last a lifetime. Again she did start a relationship with u very young and it may be good for her to venture out a bit to be see that you in fact are the one for her. Otherwise she will always be unhappy and wonder what else she is missing out on. I know its hard and can be very difficult times for you. Send her flowers once in a while as a reminder that you still care. But give it a few months and remain her friend. And during this time try to have a good time, start a new hobbie, call all your buddies, go out and try to move on because remember that she may move on also. So sorry.

I don't think he should remain friends until he is over her. Does he really want to be her friends when she meets someone else? You really need to cut all contact or keep contact to a minimum when it can't be avoided. You are young so plenty more women out there for you.

Don't call back, she left a message saying thank you. There is not much else to be said. She didn't say call me back or anything like that so its best to just leave it alone. When in doubt, just leave it alone and don't do anything. When I can't figure out what to do or what to say back I just don't do anything and go on with my life. Trust me it does wonders and keeps you from stressing out about it.