Hi guys,

Short situation description:
My partner broke up 5 weeks ago after a 3 1/2 year relationship. It was a shock to me although I knew it wasn't going well. There is also another man involved, but I don't really know, what's going on there. I do have indications since I got information and she seems to love him (don't know about fallen in love).

During the break-up she told me straight that she doesn't love me anymore and there is no way back. After I moved out, I started NC. Problem is that now, I need a chat with her. I need to tell her my side of the story. I didn't get the chance to. I know that there is no way of getting her back, but still, I know I need that for myself.
She said that she doesn't want to fight for us anymore and I can't do a thing about it. So I basically just walked out without fighting. But I'm a fighter usually. I've been far too nice so far and would like to put my stuff on the table.

Of course there is still this ray of hope, but more important for me is to be heard and to make her see my side. I am clear that there is no way and I'm just getting back on my feet and feel stronger again, but I don't know what meeting her will do to me. It might be healing or just devastating.

It is a tough decision, because it is so close after the break-up and I know that everybody is saying, don't break NC, because then you look weak and she knows that she can have you back and and. It is a fight for me. I feel strong enough for that last chat and then tell her, there won't be contact anymore until we have to clear out our shared flat end of July. Afterwards she'll leave the country anyway.

Please advice...

If you feel you must convey your message, I would advise you to simply write a letter to her with everything you need to say. Don't speak with her face to face and make sure you mail it - don't hand it to her.

That aside, I feel like you shouldn't even bother at all. I understand that you feel like you need to tell her your side but to be honest, she doesn't care. No matter how agonizing/depressing/angry your story is, the bottom line is she's moved on and doesn't care about your feelings.

All those feelings you feel you must convey - write it in a diary or a journal. Years from now, you will look back and be glad that you didn't indulge her in your feelings.

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Originally Posted by Tando

Hi guys,

short situation description:
... I knew it wasn't going well. There is also another man involved, but I don't really know, what's going on there. I do have indications since I got information and she seems to love him (don't know about fallen in love).

...she told me straight that she doesn't love me anymore and there is no way back. ... I need to tell her my side of the story. I didn't get the chance to. I know that there is no way of getting her back, but still, I know I need that for myself.
She said that she doesn't want to fight for us anymore and I can't do a thing about it. ...
Of course there is still this ray of hope... I am clear that there is no way ... I don't know what meeting her will do to me. It might be healing or just devastating.

It is a tough decision... I know that everybody is saying, don't break NC ... there won't be contact anymore until we have to clear out our shared flat end of July. Afterwards she'll leave the country anyway.

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You seem to know that it's useless... why bother?

1. She is already involved with someone else
2. She said there's no way that you'll get back together
3. She's not interested in making the relationship work
4. Said she doesn't love you anymore
5. She'll be leaving the country anyway

Umm, again I ask: Why bother?

There's a reason why everyone is telling you not to break NC: you need to pick up the pieces and move on. She has.

Thank you man.

I already thought about a letter, too. But with a letter, she can't see the process I already made.

The thing is, I don't believe she doesn't care about my feelings, because she was still very close during the week in between our break-up and when I moved out. She does care about me, I am sure of that.

The thing is, I would enter this chat with the knowledge that this is over. Of course my hope is in there, my hope to show her, that the person she fell in love with, is still present. I had a bad spell of depression running up to the break-up and wasn't able to tell her what is wrong and what I need. I am on the edge of letting go, but can't do the step.

I feel like I need to take my last stand, my last opportunity although there might not be a chance. I need to see her, her reaction and her "coldness" as well in order to let go completely. I'd go there and tell her, just listen... don't say anything... and in the end I will tell her: This is my only and last try. From here, I will be out of your life until I'm completely healed. What you do with this chat is totally up to you. I did what I could do and it is over for me at this point. It feels like unfinished business. Damned, I would lve to be able to describe it better and deeper.

Of course I hope for something to happen within her, but this is not the main character of the chat. I want to be heard because I never made myself heard and that's something she missed as well. I never really stood up for me, I accepted almost everything from her side. I need that for my self-esteem and self-confidence...

Dude I can tell you right now what is going to happen, and it's the REALITY of the situation, she is done with you... tell me if you were talking to another woman and had another woman, would you care to talk to her (ex), no your needs that were being fulfilled by your ex are now being fulfilled by the new woman. Your chic did the most hardcore thing to you, she moved on fast, happens to the best of us, and wiether she is in love, or not does not matter, she is being loved and I suggest you take your pride, your self-esteem and go elsewhere, not all battles are worth fighting for and these wounds do not heal easly and they leave NASTY SCARS!!

Your side is worthless to her, its not going to change a thing, if she was not getting laid by someone else you might have had a chance to talk to her, I am sorry for being harsh but you need it man, SHE HAS SOMEONE WHERE YOU USED TO BE, GET IT, she does not need you anymore and all your contact will do is make you feel dumb, and make her smile inside, YOU DO NOT WANT TO OPEN THAT WOUND, you will have to heal it all over again, you need to find your peace with yourself, I suggest you just write how you feel on a piece of paper and every time you need to say or express something to her you do it that way, I also suggest you meet someone, I do not care what anyone says, meeting someone is the best way to get over someone, your girl knew it, watch dude do not contact her for another 6 months... see if she tries to contact you... she didn't I know she's not going to, she is OVER YOU, SHE IS GETTING IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE AND IF YOU WERE YOU WOULD NOT CARE ABOUT IT EITHER, but I mean its your choice my friend, but trust me, everybody plays the fool sometime, you loved her a TON and she did not love you as much, I can tell, been there am there, anytime you feel the need to express your feelings just remember they mean nothing and I mean NOTHING TO HER, until she is single she is not even going to think of you too much. MOVE ON or prepare for some emotional insanity that is worse than what you are going through already.

Really man you got it bad dude, talking to her will only do one thing, hurt you more, there is not even a small chance it will make you feel better. Tell me when you get burnt what do you do, go jump in the fire to prove it was not stronger than you that you had a point to make to it... and what happens, your 2nd degree burns turn into 3rd degree burns, no matter your intention or will, because fire is fire my friend and it burns no matter how "tough" you are.

Hey Flesh,

I appreciate your openness and being straight forward. The thing is, I saw her being in physical pain about the Break-up. I know she feels bad. She tells me she moved on and probably I don't understand since it's not in my concept of being able to move on after such a short time.

She does care about me in some way. She was kind and caring in the break-up. She told me afterwards that she still wanted to know things from me, she wanted to assist me, she wanted to support me in any way. Probably that is also the bad conscience of hers, I am sure.

I do write an emotional diary already and that's where I got my strength from.

She is a good person and she doesn't want me bad basically. She would love to stay friends and be close to me one day in the future. She doesn't love me anymore, but she doesn't want to lose me either.

A week after the break-up, she already told the other guy that she loves him but at the same time, she gave me the biggest hug and told me about her work after she returned. Then I tried facing her with the issue and she became very defensive. It hurt her talking about the issue, emotionally and physically. It is all messed up somehow. I know that this man was able to give her everything I wasn't able to on the months before our break-up, but I think she still sees me as a beautiful person...

It is so hard... I see all your points, I've been there. She dumped me only 6 weeks before I have o hand in my final paper for uni. She kissed another man and spit on our relationship and disrespected me as a person, but I know this also hurt her... I saw it!!

It is all so ambivalent...

P.S.: Yes man, I would care to talk to her, because I believe that is the appropriate way. And by the way, I would never ever cheat on a partner. I was close, but never did.

Maybe you are right. Maybe I love(d) her much more than she did me, and my mistake withint he relationship was that I loved her too much and just accepted and forgot about myself... it is hard to realise that one can love too much...

She was done with you long before she said it. And "she kissed another man and spit on our relationship and disrespected me as a person" -- "but I know this also hurt her"?? You must be joking!!

I'm betting she doesn't even remember your name.

It did hurt her... you haven't seen her the week after. Her emotional pain was present in her physical well-being. Her whole body was just sore. She also still allowed me close. We cuddled a bit, we hugged, we kissed (cheek) for farewell. We cared for each other until I moved out.

The break-up was hard for her, too. She wanted us to be together forever. We both fought for this badly and sacrificed a lot. The partnership was good with bad spells, it is only the break-up that is not fitting the picture.

She might've disrespected me during the kiss, but I know that she respects me as a person... and was keen to support me in any way possible after the break-up.

The issue here is you are not moving on, you are wanting to go back to the relationship she has told you is over. You don't want to tell her anything you want to sell yourself to her.

You need to write it all in a journal that you can latter burn perhaps and keep doing the NC,

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During the break-up she told me straight that she doesn't love me anymore and there is no way back.

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What about that do you not understand?

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I know that there is no way of getting her back, but still, I know I need that for myself.

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Of course there is still this ray of hope

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Of course my hope is in there, my hope to show her, that the person she fell in love with, is still present

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Of course I hope for something to happen within her

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She doesn't love me anymore

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Read what you yourself wrote. She tells you it's over, she's in love with someone else. You claim to want this chat to get things off your chest, to tell your side of things, but every second line states the real reason you want this chat, to get her back. It's over!

The only person that will get hurt here is you. Breaking NC is the worst thing you could do.

I know you'll come back and tell me that you just want closure, she's a good person, you just want to clear the air, but, but, but, maybe she'll take you back. I'm telling you, she won't, she's moved on and could care less what you want or need.

She may want to be your friend, but neither one of you are ready for that yet.

NC, stick to it, move on, heal.

Sounds to me you have made your decision, best of luck with it my man, just know I have been where you are, my ex said she would be their for me too and guess what that woman is nowhere to be found, if I died tomorrow she might turn up for the funeral.. if she does not have a hot date planned lol, get over it dude, cut your losses I know you have a lot in the pot, but if you want to win you have to know when to fold, and its usually when it's the hardest thing to do, when you think you have the best hand, when your like Im on a roll, I've got this nothing can take me down, than you see straight flush get busted by a royal and your pants as the rest of your money(self-esteem) gets taken and now instead of being left with a little something to work with your left with nothing and have to start all over again... I really worry for you man, just do not do it, go on a date to hang out, you do not have to sleep with her or be her b/f, just notice how being around and flirting with someone else makes you pretty much forget.. about the anger, the sadness, the regret, and the love that was not real.. I know it seemed that way, but you would still be together if it was their.. that is all I have for you... if you contact her you will be in for more pain more confusion more anger, more emotional choas.

Of course she still feels something for you, but her feelings for the other are more powerful, my ex and me were "friends" for 2 years after our initial break, eventually we both realized this was impossible and in those friend years hurt each other and scarred each other in terrible ways, you can not be friends there is too much sublime emotion, and you will just end up kidding yourself and hurting even more when you realize you just are not meant to be lovers or friends, look I am now a Christian and fully understand why God only wanted man to be with one person, because a broken heart is the most brutal of pains and most consuming of holes and you are getting sucked in and you just will not accept it, so do what you will, but know nothing will change and you will not feel better, at the best you will feel the same for real man FOR REAL AT THE BEST YOU WILL FEEL THE SAME, at the worst you will hurt for 2 times as long as you need to.

As I said before:

Yes, I do have hope, because we are/were special. I know that she does have a weak point for me.

I also know that we won't be able to come back together within the next two or three weeks or even two to three months. That's unreal and would be the wrong thing.

I know we are not ready to be friends, too. Honestly, I don't even know if I'll ever be ready to be friends with her. But that is also a time matter...

So you guys are saying, that a chat is definitely out of question... I see your point and probably I knew that myself. Nevertheless I can't just walk away like that and leave without fight.

What about the letter option?! Or stick to NC completely?!

Flash,

I did not make up my mind because all you guys are talking to me :-D. Thank you for that by the way. I really appreciate your comments, although some of them are harsh and, in my belief, too negative on her side.

She IS a good person, she HAS a huge heart and she DOES care about me. I am sure about all this. She tried very hard to make this partnership work and it was me who wasn't able to open up within the past months before the break-up. I look at all that from a different angle then her.

Our communication was down, although she tried all the time but I was not able to open up...

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Originally Posted by Tando

Flash,

I did not make up my mind because all you guys are talking to me :-D. Thank you for that by the way. I really appreciate your comments, although some of them are harsh and, in my belief, too negative on her side.

She IS a good person, she HAS a huge heart and she DOES care about me. I am sure about all this. She tried very hard to make this partnership work and it was me who wasn't able to open up within the past months before the break-up. I look at all that from a different angle then her.

Our communication was down, although she tried all the time but I was not able to open up...

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Be sure to report back to us after you meet with her. We'll be waiting.

I do not know if I will meet up...

I see all the dangers within it, I see all the pros and more even the cons, I am very reflected in a way and not in another way.

My head tells me to move on, but my heart won't allow. And this is a time matter, I know.

The thing is, I planned my life around that partnership. I set my life up for it. I neglected myself and my other goals, but I did it in the best interest and knowledge. I don't want to regret.

Somehow I do have the feeling that I need a last huge slap in the face to be ready to let go completely... I am on the road, but not on the highway... Even though all the signs of a clean cut are present, I can't realise and I don't know how to move on despite of receiving that last huge slap...

My agenda is:

I want to be heard
I want to stand my last fight
I want to kill that last ray of hope within me
I want to keep face in front of myself by fighting and not just walking away
I want the full and hard truth, because I might need it to heal and move on

At the same time, I can see myself again. That wonderful person, that wonderful man with my unique abilities to brighten up other people's lifes. My contagious personality, my great laugh, my ability to bring love and happiness and people lifes. I am back in touch with me and back in touch with the person she fell in love with. True, I want to somehow "sell" me to her, but because I believe I am worth being bought :-D.

And of course not below a certain price limit. And again, if there might be hope for us in the future, it shouldn't be me to take the first step... I feel that the ball is on my side, but actually it is in hers...

Guys, last issue for now :-).

I decided not to have the conversation right now.
But I wonder if I can contact her shortly via Facebook and ask her to assist me moving on. And I know this is in her interest, too.

I want to ask her three questions:

1. Are you willing to hear me?
2. Have you moved on completely?
3. Are you romantically involved with another man?

If she respects me, she will reply honestly and according to these answers, I can find my peace... I may not need to meet up, but still get the slap in my face that I need. How does that sound to you?!

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Originally Posted by Tando

Guys, last issue for now :-).

I decided not to have the conversation right now.
But I wonder if I can contact her shortly via facebook and ask her to assist me moving on. And I know this is in her interest, too.

I want to ask her three questions:

1. Are you willing to hear me?
2. Have you moved on completely?
3. Are you romantically involved with another man?

If she respects me, she will reply honestly and according to these answers, I can find my peace... I may not need to meet up, but still get the slap in my face that I need. How does that sound to you?!?

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She has not contacted you, has she? If she were still interested in you, she would stop at nothing to get hold of you. Yes, she has moved on completely.

Do not contact her on Facebook. She can do nothing to assist your moving on. There is only one person who can -- YOU!

Contacting her on Facebook is NOT in her interest! Nor is it in yours.

She will not slap you in the face. She will merely think you are pathetic.

I don't think she will look at me being pathetic... this is not an emotion she will feel for me... you see, she said she doesn't want to give us another shot because she is afraid of regretting the relationship then and she might start disliking me.

That means that at the current moment she still likes me. And maybe this is what I need to keep for me... I know she doesn't hold a grudge against me... and I showed her what love is... maybe that was my task in that time and now it is time for her to find the other things in other men (man) and continues her life just like that. I was able to offer the best I have to her and infect her with it. I achieved my goal and although it is hard, I will be and stay the man, who did that for her. It also helps me in the process a little bit, but also shows me once again that love is not everything.

I just hope that she won't give herself away for less than the amount of love I was offering her. I don't wish her bad, because she is an amazing person with her mistakes. I also see her bad sides, but I am a very accepting and tolerant person. I can get along with little. My task in life is to give love, to offer love, to show love and to life love. I am a kind of man who warms up other peoples hearts and I can make them smile, I am contagious with joy and a fascinating personality.

I know all that and I also know that I am a rare species of man (geeze, that sounds so corny, but I think I need that for me at the moment :-)

And I need to do the same. She gave me so much, she allowed me to feel unconditional love and I handled it wrongly. I never knew that loving someone too much is also wrong... especially if I let myself and the love to myself go away...
Maybe I don't realise it yet, but there will be another woman who will be more than happy to receive all the beautiful things I have to offer. It will take time and I need to be patient with me and my process. It will take me a long time and time is what I need. But one day, there will be another woman coming my way and just blow me away...

But this is something I learn from this partnership. I need to be honest, I need to stand up for me, I need to be able to show weaknesses and I need to stand my ground...

I bowed too much, I tried to change me for her, I tried to become the man of her dreams not realising that I am the man of her dreams, just in a different kind. And if I'd stand up for myself, she might've been able to adapt easier...

It is not only my loss, it is also her loss. She just deals with it better and I know she appreciates our time and my presence in her life. That is also a reason why I believe she won't think I'm pathetic.

She honours me as a person and, I guess, realised that I changed and didn't seem so happy anymore. It was not only a split for her, but also for me. And I can see it already...

Guys, I'm moving on slowly... I'm letting go... I can feel it, but at the same time I feel so much pain, so much hurt, so much ache. I never thought I will feel like that. This shows me, that I am so deeply in love with that woman and I also know, that I need to keep away from her.

Still, it is a tough decision, because I can see my process and I know I'm on a good way and I believe this chat won't set me back further, but also contribute to me finding pride in myself... to me being able to look in the mirror and say: You did really everything you could to make this work... because after this chat, there is really nothing else I can do, nothing else... and I would leave that chat and tell her: This is it... this is all I wanted to say and I wanted you to know. I know that probably it won't change a thing (although I admit this little ray of hope), especially in the nearby future, but I needed that for me. I needed to stand up for myself for a change and gain back myself in not just walking away without telling her my part and just be accepting - the way I was throughout the partnership... I just believe this would be a big step for me, too.

Well, I could go on forever and forever. Trying to compare pros and cons...

Guys, I really appreciate all your input and I can see all your points and your concern about my well-being as well. Thank you guys!!

I think I need to observe my process from here for another few days and then look at me again... maybe by then I don't have the feeling of talking to her anymore... let's see...

But I still look forward to receive posts, especially in concern to this post...

The OP obviously has his mind made up as to what he's going to do regardless of the advice to not contact her and walk away. So I don't see why any of us are continuing to try to talk him out of it.

Several valid points have been made for him to move forward with his life and each has been countered with "but I need to talk to her", "should I contact her?"... so hopefully he will read over the advice given and make a step towards healing- and not expecting her to do it.

She will not 'help' you heal. She has moved on. She has a new man. She's said she doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to try to make anything work with you. She does not call/text/tweet/myspace/facebook/IM you so she doesn't want to talk to you.

How much plainer can it be??

Trust me, hearing that she is with another man is NOT going to help you moving on. It will only increase the pain you are feeling now. Trust us, we have ALL been down your road. I wanted that last bit of closure, I asked for it for about a week after our break up and she wouldn't give it to me. Kept me holding on a string, wondering if I changed if she would come back because she told me she would. So I did everything I could do get better, and I did get better. 2 months into my NC, she sent me a text telling me that she has a letter for me to give me my closure and when she should come to my house to drop it off. I've never responded. As far as I'm concerned when she told me "I don't want to be with you anymore" that was closure for me. There are a laundry list of things that can be closure or spell doom for your relationship. Some examples of what I have seen and heard.

1. I need space to think about things
2. I don't think it's working out between us
3. I think we should post pone our wedding
4. I have found someone else
5. I think we should see other people

Mate,

Since I started this thread I went through all different stages of emotions... it is an up and down for me... just the way everybody is telling on this side...

Guys, sorry that I gave you such a hard time and seemed so unreasonable. I'm actually not... :-)

After my last post, I went back into thoughts, evaluated my feelings, checked on my mind and tried to switch of my heart. I had a good chat with my best mate, listened to a very important song for me at this stage (unfortunately it is in German, otherwise I would link it here ;-), re-read all the posts here (again THANK YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY) and came to a conclusion...

Throughout the thread, I was tipping with my heart and switched off my brain... my heart was fighting my brain because it is such an important part of my life. Usually I follow my heart, but it gave me wrong advice before, naming how to behave in the partnership. So I turned to my cognitive ability and sucked up all the stuff you guys wrote me, the stuff I know anyway and added 1 and 1. Funnily, it added up to 2 ;-).

I concluded that I am starting to let go and my heart tells me no. But right now, I need to listen to my head and not my heart, because it is corrupting me with wrong hope.

So I decided not to have the conversation and put that aside. There are more important things in my life then this woman. I need to get my life on track, I need to look after myself and seeking the conversation would just throw me back. I'm not stable enough yet.
I wish I would, but only time and patience can do that job for me...

I need to heal and look after my soul before I can do that step. I got time until July because by then, our lease is running out and we need to clear out the formerly shared appartement together. This will be hard enough already and I don't need to put myself under an extra strain right now...

So hey, you guys helped me in coming to this conclusion. I am not a hopeless case, but my heart was taking me all in before...

I will keep you updated and tell you about my steps forward, as soon as they kick it even further :-)...

Yours in gratitude
Tando

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Originally Posted by Tando

I will keep you updated and tell you about my steps forward, as soon as they kick it even further :-)...

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I'm glad your brain finally started working.

Years ago I had a male friend Jerry who kept chasing after a woman who wanted nothing more to do with him and already had a new boyfriend. Jerry would call her at work and enthused to me, "She must still love me. She answers the phone when I call." (Of course, as soon as she heard his voice, she hung up... )

I understand I'm a fighter too and when I just gave up on my 3.5 years because he wanted someone else I went to this site and started nc but I never fought and it was SOO weird but honestly when you fight and open it it just prolongs the healing because your opening wound to let it bleed and the othr person really won't care enough to really look at the wound you know? Id say stick to it until this current new relationship is over and really have the conversaion of what you learned with yourself. This is YOUR time to grow and trust me its and amazing time. She is going to look back and be jealous (my ex is :)) wait to tell your side until the person can show they care enough to listen.

@ wondergirl:
1. well, a brain does help, doesn't it ;-)
2. I hope I can move on quicker than Jerry. It'll be hard though and currently my heart is overwhelming me again with funny thoughts and wrong hope, but my mind is at least present this time :-)

@ blond:

Thank you for your post.
I am a freaking fighter and it's so damned hard not to fight.
I am growing already. I am such a reflecting person. Everybody I speak to, they just sit there and tell me: OMG, after such a short time after the break-up you look at all the things so clearly. You analysed the partnership so well (from my point of view, I have to admit, can only assume her side) and concluded for yourself.
At this point already, I grew, reached a new level and a complete new insight in the whole story. I look at it as a complex process that went horribly wrong and one thing lead to another - from both sides. And NC allowed me to reach this level, because before I never had the opportunity to think all the things over, to analyse because I felt the pressure of the partnership... so that's the first reward for keeping NC :-).

In that matter, it is an amazing time for me. Otherwise I'm struggling with my emotions (heart person), can't sleep properly (wake up always around 4am in the morning and can't go back to sleep because she's on my mind) and can hardly concentrate on my work load although I'd love to.

I also know that my biggest obstacle is this f... ing hope. Especially because I know she does care. Why? During the break-up, she told me that she feels she doesn't know me and I have to admit, I wasn't very open about many things. She told me she got to know the other person far better within 5 1/2 months than me in 3 1/2 years. So I asked her following question: Are you interested in getting to know me still? Are you interested in listening to me? And she said: Yes. (Heart is speaking :-).

And I don't know how to get rid of it. Sometimes I feel I need that extra blow that all of you guys predict and I also know will hit me. I need a way to let go of that hope. Probably the only thing I don't know yet is how to. My mind is screwed on, I know I need to keep away, do my stuff and move on. Not forget about her, but leave her where she belongs - in the past.

It's amazing how much "power" a person can still have in your life although she is gone... and I also know it's only up to me to allow that "power" to rule over my life. In this matter, I am just weak.

But today is a new day and I want to spend it much more productive on the accademical level than yesterday. Yesterday was important for my emotional state, but today I need to pursue my studies again...

This is my update for today...

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Not forget about her, but leave her where she belongs - in the past.

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There is hope for you yet. Listen to your brain, it will set you free. Study hard.

Mate,

2nd update and then I'm leaving for the library :-)

Thank you... I'm not a hopeless nutcase, I know that, but I still feel like it somehow.

My brain switches off far too often and my heart takes over. I am bowing from one side to the other. I run in circles and can't find the exit.
At the same time I do have stages where I feel at peace with me...

It is promoted to start NC when you know you can keep it. I wonder if I am in that stage already... I started NC for her in the hope she might row back. Hasn't happened and won't either. I realised that NC is doing me well, too to a certain degree. I got back in touch with my soul and my self-confidence. It just doesn't seem to be able to get over my hope. There are times when I let go of hope and it's okay for me. Am I to impatient?!

Now, being majorly reflected, I realise that it is harder for me to keep NC then before. I wonder if I'm at the stage to maintain NC without standing my last fight.. without being heard and she offered me to be heard during the break-up... but by then I wasn't ready...

I am dead sure that I will be able to keep NC after I had this conversation... because then there is nothing else left to discuss for me until I am completely healed. I'd feel like I did my part and I can finish up... it feels like unfinished business... Then the ball is in her court and I can leave with the words: I am hurting, I want and need to heal, I can't stay in contact with you and this is all I have to say to you. What you do with all this is up to you...

Is that a usual feeling being on NC and having reflected on the partnership and myself?! I can't understand this emotion...

Sorry for being back to the beginning, guys... I just want to let you in and maybe get a better picture of my situation...

Please bear with me in this situation... I know I'm being a difficult case.

I feel so confused with thoughts and emotions...

P.S.: I'm not saying I'm going to contact her...

Ah, you need food for the brain. Okay, everyone who comes here feels as you do, hoping for one last chance to get their heart breaker back, or chasing after some closure. Closure is accepting the reality of the situation, and moving forward, because that's what needs to happen for you. You have that, you just want her to have it to, but she doesn't need it.

Just read the post here of others in the same situation. No Contact is very hard at first, and no one wants to do it. But You do want to get rid of the misery, and pain, and false hope, and be able to explore other options, and opportunities, to be happy.

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, for some great insights and suggestions, from people who have gone through this same thing. There is a link in my signature. Let us know if it helps.

Make a decision, do what you think is best, and get the blessings , or the consequences. What ever you do, don't dwell on what you think you need, if your not willing to do it.

Me I leave things alone, and get my own happiness back, by looking forward. Staying with NC will get you there. You have started, keep it going and heal, it's that simple.

Hey tal,

Thank you for your beautiful post. I really gave me strength and hope... hope for myself for a change :-).

I do not have closure yet, but I am on a good way. I realise that most of the things I want to do are for HER still. But that's because I care about her so much due to my huge amount of love that I still feel. But it is time to do things for ME and today I had a really good chat with a friend. She told me to really do what is best for me. So at the moment I am thinking about postponing my final assignment for uni because it is just too stressful with the break-up, move it into the next semester and then really look after myself. Do good things for me and maybe even fulfill myself a dream that came back to my mind today. I am lucky to have this chance...

I realise that fate brought us together and gave us a chance. But fate does not determine the outcome. That is up to us. And we blew that opportunity but will grow from this experience. We both experienced true love but couldn't make us work. So now we walk separate ways and will seek our personal luck and something similar or even better than the love we had for each other. I will be grateful for the years sooner or later and definitely for the break-up because it will make me a stronger person. Having this knowledge and repeating it to myself over and over again, I will get through the f... ing hard times that will still be with me...

I am ready to move on and let go, but I know that there will still be obstacles in my way. It will stay on a road with up and downs, but I will keep you updated.

I also think I started to find my closure by "half-breaking NC". I sent her a short unpersonal message on Facebook with the link to that special song and the lyrics. It means so much to me and it is a wonderful break-up song that looks into the future with joy and into the past with gratitude... I will translate the words in English and post it here over the weekend... It is really beautiful... a shame it is in German ;-).

Here my short message and please feedback me on this if you like... with this I am ready to keep NC and move on.. I think I needed to say goodbye for me and even though I will meet her in July, I needed to do it sooner... for me:

Title: Very beautiful song for me (and you?! )

Chao Em,

If you like, listen to the following song...

YouTube - Die Fantastischen Vier - What remains

Die Fantastischen Vier - Was Bleibt - Lyrics from LyricWiki

Take care,

Tando

This way, I had the "chat" to her and now there is nothing more to say for me. I don't expect an answer and if she replies, I hope to be strong enough to just delete the message...

Will keep you updated...

AND THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR YOUR INPUT... One day I will be on your end and hopefully be able to assist guys like me right now... maybe I already am in some way if somebody reads this :-D...

Hey guys,

Just as promised the translation of the song, I listen to regularly currently. It is not the best translation, but I tried my best. It is a hiphop song and usually many words do rhyme, but my English isn't poetic enough to do that properly ;-)...

I don't know what happened within the last two/three days, but I feel more at peace currently, I feel less overwhelmed and I'm losing hope. I think I start realising and it's settling in. My heart gives in to my brain and my knowledge (at the moment). I don't seem to have any urge left to fight for us. Somehow I realised that we are not meant to be, we shared something beautiful and unique and I hope both of us will keep it close to our hearts. Hopefully no one of us will look back at the time as being wasted, but I actually don't believe so. We are both very grateful people and trying to concentrate on the positive and on the things that we gained...

Funny, my thoughts are also changing. Only very seldom I wonder what she is doing, with whom she is doing what and how she is... I hope she is fine. I don't want her bad and still I concentrate on myself.


Artist: Die Fantastischen Vier
Track: This remains


Now here we are, we spent something together and we are confused,
There is nothing else to talk, because it only hurts anyway.
So then, I'll be leaving and we shall meet again,
Once we understand all this, once all this has settled.
Someday it'll happen, I'm sure we'll manage.
And until then, I hope,
That everything that we are experiencing in our next life from here,
Doesn't feel as hopeless as currently.
I know, actually we've been together since forever,
No idea how it's going to be like, not being with you anymore,
I can't even remember how it was like before our time,
But I know it is forever and will remain.
It's said that every ending is also a new beginning,
And there is nothing to keep for eternity.
Everything consists of emergence, change and movement,
Even though we don't want to realise it yet.

Good-by, good-by, good-by and wish us luck,
There is so much remaining.
We shall meet again, we shall, and I'm thinking back
And my heart feels so at ease.

From now on we are alone and a little bit more free.
Life continues although a path intersects.
There is nothing that needs forgiveness, we only failed
As soon as we pity ourselves and I realise,
I need to decide to either give away into self-indulgence
Or to allow myself to drift away, move on
In order not to stand still, then we'll see
Which one of the tracks.
And of course, the truth hurts, nobody says that it is easy,
But at some stage enough is enough and by then, one has to leave.
And even if it was beautiful, life is bigger
Than our ability to understand, come along and let it be,
And take this one as comfort. Things that end
Result in legends and will make us grow.
We've been attached for ages,
But let go – now.

Good-by and wish us luck.
There is so much remaining.
We shall meet again and I'm thinking back
And my heart feels so at ease.
And what is remaining is that we seem to walk alone from here,
And what is remaining is that one path is splitting up into two.


I hope you like these words...

Until soon... will open a new thread in a minute... ;-)

Tando

Threads merged

Guys,

I do have the strangest feeling right now and you will say...
ARE YOU STUPID...

But I start regretting telling everybody that she "cheated" on me with this other guy and started to have feelings. He wasn't the reason for the break-up, he was a trigger, but what went wrong was within OUR relationship and has almost nothing to do with him.

I feel like I bad-mouthed her and I am disspointed in myself that I disclosed that matter to many people. This is something between her, me and the other guy... She told me in confidence, to be honest and open, to be just plain and simply fair and I feel like I acted totally wrong. This was an information just for me... just for me... just for me... I let other people in this "secret" and I feel I betrayed her trust...
I know that many of you will be saying that I shouldn't care, and she is not worth it because she "cheated" on me and betrayed me as well. Even if you do believe me or not, I know she has a really bad conscience about it...

It is not only about her feelings and what she might think of that, but also about my guilt that is playing up now. I feel guilty, because I am not a person who bad-mouthes others, especially if this person is a person who I love(d) so much and never wishes bad, no matter what happened.

I know that people make mistakes and I acted the way I knew best, but it feels so childish and immature. At the same time, I knew I had to get it off my chest. I looked at it as a reason for the break-up, but it is a miniature component of the process. I tried to make me feel better by saying, it's the other guys fault and it's her weakness. But in the end it comes down to the two of us. She tried hard to make us work, I answered in the wrong manner, although trying hard, too. Then she gave up, had no more strength and found comfort somewhere else. It might not be the most highly accepted way of dealing with this matter, but it is one way. I cannot judge her on that, I feel. I appreciate everything she has done and tried for us rather.

I don't want other people to think she's a . She made a mistake, all right, but throughout the partnership she was a loving, caring, supportive, dedicated and trying partner. She wanted to make us work, just as I did.

I wonder if anyone can actually understand my point? I am not wanting to get back together, because I know the table cloth is cut, but I know that I want to keep in touch with her some (long) time in the future because we are soulmates... and we don't need to be partners to be soulmates...

There are quite some issues we need to work through though before being able to become friends again... quite some things that need to be discussed and forgiven on both sides. It will be a hard process, I believe... and I know that you will say that this is the last thing I need to care about right now... I know... it just popped up in my head and works on me... the relationship is over, but I know we both still appreciate each other and both of us want to keep in touch in some way or another. Sooner or later. I let her go as a partner, and I don't know how and if I'll be able to handle this, but from my side, I would like to keep in touch with her, with a person who touches my soul and will never be evicted from that place in my heart and soul...

Now, I don't have an issue about coming back together anymore, but an issue about how I behaved and how I disrespected all the good times, all the things I appreciate about what we had and what we were and what a beautiful woman she is with her mistakes. She is a heart-warming personality, she is amazing and so am I, but our lifestyles are just too different. One day we might end up as really good and trusting friends, if both of us are ready, but at the moment, I need to put that aside and get back on track with my life.

I do have the feeling that I need to forgive myself before I can ask her to forgive me...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tando

I do have the feeling that I need to forgive myself before I can ask her to forgive me...

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You are exactly right. Accept and forgive yourself for what you've done. It's not going to come instantly, it'll take time. I'm sure people say a lot of things they don't mean and I'm sure she understands your comments and reasons, as she's a kind and understanding person. Stay NC, forgive yourself and take it from there. You will know what to do in time.

Hey aj,

Thank you for your support and kind post.

I hope I'll forgive myself soon and somehow I trust that we'll sort things out and leave that partnership behind, insert it in our past with gratitude and be able to forgive ourself and each other and move on from there and see what'll happen.

It is not the time for that now now.
It is strange... I seem to be moving on from the partnership, but can't let go of her as a person, trustee and soulmate.

I wonder if I need to do that as well or if I can balance the two things...

You sound like a thoughtful guy, and I'm impressed that you're taking ownership of something that you did, which is bothering you.

You can't change what you did, you can only tell yourself that you're human and you acted out of anger and thoughtlessness.

You can also tell yourself that if the situation arises again, you'll behave differently.

Tell yourself you've learnt from the situation and let it go.

Then, once you feel able, write her a letter and tell her what you wrote in this post.

Don't beat yourself up.

You're very welcome Tando, glad to see that you're trying to correct a mistake that you've made. Like Gemini said, we're all human and we make mistakes. Don't feel too bad about it, it was just from a hurtful emotion. Keep up the progress my friend.

Hey guys,

I've had two rough days behind me. Twice I was crying my heart and eyes out and almost went to our old flat to show her, what this is doing to me. But then I thought about all your posts and that she won't care anyway.

And I was thinking, what does it help me? Only thing I'd be doing is, best case, to make her feel guilty, to make her feel pity or to make her feel sorry, but I won't change her decision...
That is a fact and I know it cognitively but my emotions and heart are just too much into and with her. And that is my problem... I concentrated my life on her and forgot myself. Now it is hard to resurrect myself because I lost touch. I can't comforf myself, I can't feel myself, my heart and soul is owned by her.

And she can't help me healing. She can't be by my side to assist me with my process. She is not the one because she doesn't want to either. She is one of the reasons I am so low and I need to cut out these reasons to get better. It is awkward though. I am addicted to her and she makes me feel good, at the same time, she makes me feel... I'm on withdrawal...

And I understand her point of view... she needed to break-up in order to get her life back and her personality and her happiness. It is her fair right to do so and she doesn't need to look after anyone but herself. Even if it means she is hurting someone else badly... and I need to respect that and move on, too...

I put all my money on this game, on this partnership and I didn't read the rules properly. I played it wrong and lost badly. I am starting at zero almost and need to build up slowly. I need to do baby steps... one after another. I need to give me time and allow to heal slowly. I am a perfectionist and usually patient, but not with myself right now.

I am also starting to see a therapist, since this break-up also opens up old wounds and issues that I am dealing with for about 10 years by now and always returned. It is part of the issue, why she broke up, but not knowing really, I think... So far I was okay dealing with it, but this break-up just throws me back to toddler age somehow. I need to learn slowly. She was my backbone, the partnership was my everything, my security, my haven. I identified with this partnership. But that is me. I dedicate whole-heartedly for something, if it is really worth it. And I forget about the other things.

I am still living in the past too much... I need to move on, to let go. Somethimes I thought I am on a good way, but the very next day is such a setback... then good again... then again... is that the natural way?!

Quote:

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And I was thinking, what does it help me?

---

Thats the way your supposed to think, thats how you get facts to make a good decision for yourself.

Quote:

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Only thing I'd be doing is, best case, to make her feel guilty, to make her feel pity or to make her feel sorry,

---

Facts

Quote:

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but I won't change her decision...

---

Facts

Quote:

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I am still living in the past too much... I need to move on, to let go.

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A good decision based on facts, and not just feelings.

Quote:

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Sometimes I thought I am on a good way, but the very next day is such a setback... then good again... then again... is that the natural way?!

---

I have been married more than 30 years, I have good days, bad days, and many setbacks. Thats what life is all about.

Hey tal,

Your posts are always awesome. I read a few of them already, not only my thread and they inspire me... One day, when I'm a grown man, I want to be as wise as you are ;-)...

Thank you for your words and support and not giving up on me although being so difficult in the beginnin :-).

I am in the process and I see it... I am gaining strength and clarity... slowly... one step after the other :-)...

Me too!

OMG,

I just read the sticky "What did I learn after a devastating break-up"... and it flashed me big time...

It threw a new light on me and how the partnership worked (not worked ;-). It opens up doors for understanding and insight. I realised that both of us made our mistakes, both of us fought in our separate ways, both of us tried really hard to make this work - although we might not have had a real chance from the beginning... but by just trying so hard, we offered the most beautiful thing to each other... dedication...

I made my mistakes, she made hers. It is part of our personality. Still, one day I would like to apologise to her for all the mistakes I made.

I'm looking at the break-up as a new start to something new for both of us. Many hard feelings are gone currently (but they will return and I will conquer them) and I want to focus on the good things we had and shared. All the love, dedication and good times. All the laughs. This is what I would like to focus on from this point in time... and I want to focus on this from this very moment... not in a hopeful manner, but in a manner to be thankful and respecting and honouring the other person for all the good things that happened during our time. I want to embrace past and insert it in my history as happy time, forget about the hard times but still learn from them. I don't want to hold a grudge and just be thankful... and I know that I will be able to do so... I do have the ability... I set this as one of my new goals, aims and targets in life... and I know it is a hard thing to achieve, but so far I always achieved everything in one way or another... I am an achiever, if I can get my head and heart on the right track...

More and more I realise that we can't work. She realised it. I am on the way.

GUYS, I'M MOVING ON :-)...

She was strong enough to sit down and end the whole story. I know it broke her heart as well, so we are both heart-broken and one day (maybe already in July), I will be able to tell her all the things, I am thankful for. I want to wish her all the best, I want to be able to look at her and tell her that I am proud of her, I am grateful for sharing this time and I really honestly wish that she will be fine and find "true love" that maintains her life and makes her happy. She will always keep a special place in my heart and my soul. And I know that she will wish me the same. We do care for each other big time, no matter what other people say, but I need to learn to care for her in a "friendship manner". This will take a long time and the outcome is so open...

At the same time, I need to look after myself. I know deep inside that she'll be fine and there is nothing more I can do for her. There is plenty on my plate though, I need to get myself in order, I need to live my life and not waste any other day in feeling pity for myself, dangling in old times and being an obstacle for myself.

This is MY TIME... this is MY CHANCE... this is MY PERSONAL TURNING POINT TO DECIDE WHERE I'M GOING... and I want to walk towards myself and a great future...

I do feel more and more in touch with myself... right now, I even feel peace...

I want to become a better person and I damned will!!