SO I am in this relationship now for about 4years.
Is is fair, rude, out of line to ask your girlfriend for oral sex?
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SO I am in this relationship now for about 4years.
Is is fair, rude, out of line to ask your girlfriend for oral sex?
I think it is rude that you never gotten oral in 4 years. Do you give her oral?
After 4 years? Not at all. Have you already been in sexual relations? Have you had this discussion yet? I mean fill us in more. But if your already having sex and she hasn't or you haven't asked then I think its fine to mention it.
Lol.. thanks for the response.
She won't even get on top during sex.. (she gets upset if I ask her.)
I am not allowed to kiss, or touch let alone give oral.
I have to hurry and "get it over with."
I have to ask permission.
OH my god! Are you her first? Well if not then run fast and far. No offense to her. But if your with her 4 years and that's all it is, well it won't get better.
How old are you two?
She won't get on top even? Me and my boyfriend fight over who gets to be on top! Ha I don't know that it would help any, but have you tried slipping her a cosmo magazine or anything?
I am 32 she is 28.
NO first timers here.
Basically we couldn't be on more opposites scales of the relationship. When we were dating this things were not an issue. Later on everything became an issue.
1) She had a problem with sex and all because of the way men have treated/run away. (I am not doing that.)
2) Well then she doesn't enjoy sex. (okay, why not?) Well it hurts..
3) Why does it hurt.. apparently she ahs a condition called vulvadynia (found out last summer.) Went to see a gynocologist, nothing they can really do about it.
I got on forums etc, to research and try to find out what "we" can do about it. Got upset cause I was doing it so I could get more sex.
She doesn't like sex, but she "hates it with me." Because I make her submit.
I feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting to give/get oral, or for her to be on top, or to touch her or kiss her...
I have tried everything to support, go to counseling together...
Is it just with you or has she been like his with other partners?
I don't know how you should handle this. She seems pretty set on her ways and views about sex. What you need to think about is it a deal breaker. Personally if a girl was saying she "hates" sex with me, I'm going to leave. While sex isn't a big part of any relationship, the fact that she hates it would speak volumes.
Well apparently with all her partners, but no one has stuck around as long as I have. So now all the issues are popping up...Quote:
Originally Posted by 88sunflower
Yeah I am not sure that sex is a deal breaker..
But what might be is that fact that we don't kiss, can not touch, can't do anything. In 4 years, on my birthday, I ask for oral... "ewww NO!.""
Funny when we were dating it was not an issue. All of a sudden I'm disgusting to her.
Are you married, you keep saying when you were dating
No not married, but we live together.. idea was to move towards that.
If she was like this with other partners then be thankful its not just you. Although sex shouldn't be a deal breaker it can put a strain on having a healthy relationship or not. Even kissing and touching can be so nice at times and that isn't wanted either. I guess its tough. You can either love her enough to stick around. Or have a long talk. You seem like you would be happier in a more active sex life. Can you live like this forever?
There are weeks where I'm okay, and then there are weeks that it just really bugs the heck out of me..
I feel like there is always a hurdle to cross, and ones that are not there because this is life, its hoops that I have to jump through that she has put up.
Recently she's made me shave (mind, you its not like I'm the Zohan) now cause that bugs her too, apprantly it was hurting her. And even after I shaved she acted like it still did (hurt her), and I'm like now what... I shaved?
I get yelled at if I do not "enter" correctly, even that is now an issue.
I guess you have to sit and think if you can live like this or not. It will be a long life if she is never happy. I bet if you just stopped trying and stopped having sex that would make her happy. You have to think long term also. This may cause many more problems down the road.
The no kissing, the no touching, the being told how to enter would be a deal breaker for me. You might as well just be roomates at that point.
I agree with Spit, not only is she demanding, she's controlling too. If my fiancé said no to kissing me. I politely show her the door. To not have physical connection is like having a friendship, which is what you two seem to have
I love her a lot, and that's the part the hurts... that you do and try so hard.
I am always cranky, and upset.
On the one hand you thnk to yourself, do I really want to live like this for the rest of my life?
Then you think about how you care for someone...
Hmm, you really have to decide what you want out of the relationship. The truth is, sex is a part of a healthy relationship (whether you wait until you're married or not). But my point is, that if it bothers her so much, what about when you're married?- it's not going to change.
I don't think I could be with someone that wasn't willing to have sex with me. And especially if she thinks you're disgusting. I know that it's important to me and definitely couldn't see myself planning the rest of my life under those conditions.
You seem to have tried a lot of different things to make her more comfortable and if she's not willing to meet you halfway you have to decide.
I'll be the first one to ask this:... Let it be said that I don't condone cheating but 4 years is long enough... do you really think you could stay faithful to her for the next 50 years or more and not have sex regularly?
Plus I'm bothered by the fact that there's no other signs of affection which are equally important in a loving relationship.
NVA.org - Treatment
You might have already seen this since you mentioned you started researching it yourself. You don't sound like you're getting ready to pack your bags so if you're planning to stick around and still want to work to marriage maybe, you should seriously consider couples counseling.
Thank a lot folks for the responses. I am not sure what to do anymore.
I found tons of books forums etc but nope, don't want to go there.
Its not like I do not get sex, It usually works like this. I have to ask for sex around dinner time, no later cause that pisses her off, (if you want it just ask is what I'm told if were are in bed and I touch her!) Then its usually lay there and "get it over with." If I try to kiss or touch, no! If I go more more than 10mins... hurry.
I know what I want out of the relationship, but clearly its not going to happen.
I have never cheated in any relationship... don't believe in it. But I actually thought about it.. just don't have sex with her that way we can be together and be happy... and they just get my needs. NUTS
I'm sorry to say this, but if I were in your position... I'd feel hurt and rejected. If I touch my boyfriend and he said; hey you want it you have to ask (of course it would be diff for me seeing as I'm a gal and would have a boyfriend... ) but if it did seem that he'd want sex with me at all... well that would be hurtful.
When I read all your posts it just makes me wonder of a couple of things
1. Has she lost interest and you're just there for companion? (seeing as she wasn't like this when you were dating)
2. Has she ever been abused?
3. suffered a trauma that has made her feel like this?
4. Is she depressed?
5. Why does she stay with you?
Im wondering the same thing..Quote:
Originally Posted by roxypox
1) It certaily feels like it. When I asked her how come this was not an issue when we were dating she said that it was the only way she could get close to me.
2)Well her conditioned (that she has dealt with her whole life and is just now coming out with it.) SO now she has psychological blocks too.
3) I think 2.
4) She says she loves me. (its the only reason she hasn't left)
I'm going to Google her condition.
But do you feel its worth it in the long run? To have a girlfriend that doesn't want to be toched, or kissed, given oral, have sex, and so on?
Personally I don't think that sex is the biggest part of a relationship, but it is important (to me personally) that the sexual part of a relationship is satisfying for both of the people involved.
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You have put in 4 years, and tried everything you could. She will not change. Either you do, or accept this behavior for the rest of your life.
Doubt seriously if it gets better.
Tl,
That's what I am thinking.. there is always another hoop to jump through. And its getting worse... I feel like I change, but then its always something else, shave, then enter this way, now hurry, no I'm not doing that...
It hurts. I work extremely hard, we have no money problems, big house etc, good jobs, good family, but no one is happy...
roxypox, I have researched it.. and apparently was only doing it so I could get more sex...
Well, even though you might love each other. It seems that you need to decide whether this is worth it... how many hoops will you have to jump through?
You. Its tough .
You believe in things, you love things and then you wonder why.
So it is normal then to as for oral?
Its not rude.Maybe she's waiting for you to ask?
I did, and her response was "EWWW. NO!"
Well then there's nothing you can really do ha!ask her to do it once and if she still doesn't want to do it after that then leave it..
Lol yea.
I'm just going to drop the whole freaggin thing. Im not even going to ask for intimacy... what's they point, if someone hates it with you.
Why make people do things they do not want to do.
She obviously doesn't hate intimacy with you if she's having sex with you?
Well... true... why do it if they hate it with you... gosh. I would have flown of my hences if I was with someone who hated it with me... intimacy, sex etc...
I guess you can't do anything to fix this, seeing as she has the issues that she has. All you can really do is either go or stay.
Quote:
Holly23: She obviously doesn't hate intimacy with you if she's having sex with you?
Holly you need to read ALL of the posts not just the ones on the last page!!
In my guessing this relationship will not last. It just won't. Eventually your going to resent her more and more because of how she treats this subject and you may crack and cheat. You don't know. You just can't predict the future. You sound like a great guy with a lot to offer and I only hope it changes for the better or you get the strength to make the choice and move on. Your way to young to have this kind of limited sex life.
That's what I feel like, something's got to give, and I do not want to feel like or become a bad person.
I know I am not perfect by any means, I try to be fair and do the right always.
That's part of the problem too is that is just not satisfying...
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