Ask Me Help Desk - Don't know how to get over her

Don't know how to get over her

I have a friend. I've known her for almost seven months now. Over the time we've gotten so close. I like her so so much. She's really sweet. We've become very good friends now. I started to realize I might be having feelings for her, but she doesn't. I'm a muslim and she's a hindu brahmin. She will get married very soon and I know that. I try to get rid of all my feelings for her. But it gets tough when I have to go to work and see her everyday. I love spending time with her. I just want to get over her, I don't want to feel this way. I feel kind of guilty having such a crush on my friend when she has no idea what's going on in my head. If I tell her how I feel, I will probably lose something really precious in my life. What do I do?

You have three choices

1. Tell her how you feel and put it all on the table
2. Hold it inside and stay in agony
3. Cut off complete contact with her

I'd go with one, but I'm not familiar with your religions. If that isn't able to be done. Go with 3 until you can sort of your emotions

Are you dating or what? Define for me the friendship?

I strongly suggest you back away from this friendship, so you don't get carried away by your intense feelings of attractions.

By backing away, I mean balancing the time you spend with other things you enjoy without her. A workplace friendship is one thing. To want more from it is another. That may NOT be a realistic expectation on your part.

How old are you both?

If she's getting married then she's of bounds.

Added to that in your culture a Hindu/Muslim marriage can be very problematic, as you well know.

Don't tell her how you feel. It's your 'stuff' and you will only upset her. Put away any drams of a romantic liaison. Be realistic - she's taken and she's a different religion.

Enjoy her friendship while you can and keep your feelings to yourself. Why ruin things?

Don't worry so much about losing a friendship. You need to back off and stop talking to her until you stop having feelings for her. Once you stop having feelings for her, you can try to be friends again. If you keep talking to her, you will just continue to feel the pain.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Are you dating or what?? Define for me the friendship??

I strongly suggest you back away from this friendship, so you don't get carried away by your intense feelings of attractions.

By backing away, I mean balancing the time you spend with other things you enjoy without her. A workplace friendship is one thing. To want more from it is another. That may NOT be a realistic expectation on your part.

How old are you both?

She's made it clear we're only friends.
I guess the problem is with me. I just need to know if I'm doing a mistake here.

Im 23 and she's 22.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tabraiz

She's made it clear we're only friends.
I guess the problem is with me. I just need to know if i'm doing a mistake here.

Im 23 and she's 22.

It would be a big mistake to share those feelings with someone who has made it clear to you that your friends only. I know you think her knowing how you feel will change her mind. It won't but it will push her away. But knowing how you feel, back away, and give yourself some time, and space to cope with those feelings, and get beyond them.

Thanks a lot talaniman.

Is this just plain jealousy?

Threads merged

Whenever my close friend(it's a SHE) tells me some guy looks good, I feel very uneasy. Is it just me or does it happen all the time with anyone of you?

So then are you a he? Do you like her for more than a friend?

That's jealousy, maybe you have feelings for her?

I don't get upset when my friends(girls) say another guy is attractive. Now if my fiancé did, maybe a different story

Does it make you feel uneasy because she's getting married and she's looking at other guys?

Does it make you feel uneasy because she's getting married and she's looking at other guys?

Yeah exactly

Is this an arranged marriage?

Oh yeah... an arranged marriage...
She's Indian.. well I'm too...
That's the normal practice here

That's what I thought. It doesn't sound like you can really try to persuade her in any way. It's probably best if like Tal said on the other thread that you back away.

W:confused:hat do I do about this jealousy thing..

You have to work on getting over her so that you aren't jealous. I think if you distance yourself from her it will slowly go away.

Hmmm yeah okie.

Just a funny thought. She's gone for a ten-day long tour with her family now.
Sometimes she playfully 'google's my name. I'm just thinking what she would do if she does it again and finds this forum and posts :rolleyes:

She calls me everyday

Threads merged

She's gone on a tour with her family.
She calls me everyday even though we're 4000 miles apart.
Does this mean she misses me? A lot? :D

I miss her too :(

I miss her so much

Yes, it means that she misses you. Can't say if it's a lot, but it's a good thing.

I've decided to spend time alone for myself. In fact, I've been following this for a couple of days... I find it hard to get her out of my mind. Will this fade away slowly?

It will, but it may fade faster if you're having fun with friends and doing things to keep your mind occupied. If you're all alone you might tend to dwell on it more.

This isn't really advice but listen to this song.. Itl make you feel better about it.. well it did for me...

YouTube - Damin Rice - you

You're not going to be able to get over her if you keep talking to her.

I bet this is making it even harder for you isn't it? It sounds like you're getting a lot of mixed signals from this girl. When is she supposed to be getting married?

Stop picking up the phone, she's off limits and you are only prolonging the agony

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Stop picking up the phone, she's off limits and you are only prolonging the agony

Had to spread rep. Thanks for point this out, had to edit my advice.

Rome is right. You're not going to be able to get over her if you keep talking to her. You're just prolonging your pain and suffering. If that's what you want, then we can't stop you.

You really do need to stop talking to her. You're never going to get over her if you keep answering your phone.

Yeah that's right...
I try not to spend time alone as that might lead me to that road only.
I've started telling myself she's not my piece of cake.
By the way she'll probably be engaged to someone in another year.
Great advice guys... really appreciate it. Feel so good already... :D

Nice song.

This goes in my collection. :cool:

I cannot stop talking to her. That would only hurt her a lot...
Also, if she happens to ask me the reason... what am I supposed to say... :confused:

You don't have to say anything... that is the beauty of moving on and ignoring her!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tabraiz

I cannot stop talking to her. That would only hurt her a lot....
Also, if she happens to ask me the reason... what am i supposed to say... :confused:

Never say you can't do something because your be surprise at what you can do. Also, when you say you can't your only programing your mind to think you really can't.

You don't have to talk to her because she wants to talk to you. Your making yourself available to her without considering what is best for you. It isn't about her it's only about you.

You owe her no explanation. If you feel the need to give her tell he you can't talk to her right now because you can't be he friend due to the fact your trying to get over her--then hang up.

There is reason for torturing yourself and living off false hope.

I find myself going against the grain here, given the advice has been excellent, and dead on for you to heal, and move on.

I think its going to hurt an awful lot, for you both, no way around it, but being she is a friend, you better tell her the truth about you cutting contact with her.

The why's of this situation may allow you both to face the truth, and let each other heal.

She once told me about a couple of her college friends who proposed to her and that she did not like that.

Now, if I tell her this, there's a huge possibility that she might NEVER understand the situation. If anything, I don't want it to end like this between us.

I do agree with Tal that you should tell her why you're cutting contact with her, but I still think that you should. I didn't mention that at all but I think you should explain that you have feelings for her and that seeing her with other guys is really hard for you. Tell her you just need some time for you to sort things out and try to get over her. Who knows? Maybe in that time someone great will come along and will be available and you won't be distracted by someone that isn't.

Hmmm okie...
I should probably tell her this. She's yet to return from her trip.

Good luck! You'll have to keep us posted.