OK I need some support here. I came on here the first time because I was in an affair with someone and didn't know what the heck I was doing. I had given up on my marriage but hung on and smiled pretty for my sons sake. So many of you helped and didn't sugar coat it for me either. Well after moving back home and ready for the long road to getting my marriage back on track I am starting to have doubts and really need someone to set me straight. Nothings seems to have changed. We are what we were before I left and I hate that. I know it won't be fixed over night and I was ready for that. But I guess I expected us to try together. We have actually become more divided really. It always used to be "us" now its yours and mine and I don't like that. Its like we aren't a team anymore. I understand he needs time to heal for my bad choices. He is actually being amazing in a sense for the pain I put him through. But I am kind of lonely and I don't feel it there. Maybe now I am paying the price for hurting him and should shut up and deal with it right.

But to make matters worse my mind has been wondering to the one I left behind. I can't stop thinking of him and part of me wonders if I made the wrong choice. The stupid thing is I know he is all wrong for me. I mean is that gut feeling really a good thing to go on? I still feel so much for him and I have been missing him so much and just want to leave it alone. I was OK for awhile and I was so focused on doing the right thing. But I sit here and think of things and it makes me want to make that call. I know if I do then it starts all over again and I don't want to do that. But it so dam hard to miss him when I know I shouldn't. Especially when there isn't a part of him that's right for me.

Someone just make me snap out of this again. Slap me silly before I do something stupid and regret it.

I have to say that I have not done anything and don't plan to. But I hate feeling what I am feeling while I want to make it work at home. I can come on here and real a pile of threads and tell them what I think. But for me when its personal it hurts like hell. Maybe I need to give it more time and it will pass. I am just venting to myself I guess at this point. I need to get it out.

Venting again! I really do need someone to vent to right now. I am so badly thinking of him right now. So typing nonstop on here is stopping me from picking up the phone. I will write myself repeatedly if I have to. Call me crazy but today I feel like I am in love and its all so wrong and I don't want it. I need to do what's right and keep fighting for what I know is good in the end. In my head I want to yell I love you!! But then I want to run fast and far away from him. Please don't judge me to harshly. I am just getting this all off my chest. I am being so weak today and I can't take it. I don't know why. I usually feel so strong.

Hey Sunflower. No matter what the situation may be in a relationship, it is never easy. All I know is that, at the end of the day if you work hard for something, it feels good and if it turns out the way you want it to, than its all worth it. I say work on your marriage and don't think of the other guy.

Remember the day, you and your husband got married and how in love you were in with him? I bet at that time you wouldn't regret marrying him, so don't start now. Work on your relationship with him with better communication. You've already made a choice in life the day you married and you promised to love him for the better and worse.

Also, don't regret the life you chose for yourself. Living in regret is the worse thing that can happen. No you did not make a mistake by trying to work out your problems with your husband and letting the other guy go. Actually you made a good decision. Sit down and have a mature conversation with him.

Hope this encouraged you a little sorry if its too long =P

Wow, I was going to ream you a new one, and give you some cyber slaps upside your head, but I can't.

I am so proud of the way you have recognized your reality and putting in the effort to do the right thing for yourself.

I know your mad that I can't give you that silly slap, but I do have a great big hug of support, which I think you need more than the slap.

>BIG BEAR HUG<

You and your husband need counseling and you need to stay strong. As you stated already change won't happen overnight.

Btw, it is okay to vent.

Thank you! I don't regret marrying him. I don't regret going home and trying again. I wanted that. I just guess today I am feeling all these emotions and don't know where to turn or what to say. As far as talking we are so talked out. We have spent months talking about the choices I made. It came to a point there isn't anything more to be said. We just stopped talking and we are going with it. Back when I was moving home I loved him more then anything. Making love, was making love. Not just the chore of it like it is now and like it was before. I wanted to be there more then anything. But so quickly it got stale and just back to what it was. I know it takes 2 people and I know it won't change without me changing also. I have and am still trying. But like I said I need to shake these thoughts of someone else. I know its natural at one time or another I will think of him and think back of my time with him. But when I start that it brings me down. Why would it bring me down when I made the choice I wanted. I wanted to go home and I am there. My son has both his parents and the split didn't effect him in any negative way. I hate getting emotional like this. Sometimes I read these threads and take the advice for myself that's left for others. Its been a great crutch for me to lean on. I just needed a random ear today for my random venting. I know I am not in a good area, since I was the cheater, but it still messes you up. I can tell you when all this passes and life is normal again, whatever normal is, I will never ever look over the fence again.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Wow, I was going to ream you a new one, and give you some cyber slaps upside your head, but I can't.

I am so proud of the way you have recognized your reality and putting in the effort to do the right thing for yourself.

I know your mad that I can't give you that silly slap, but I do have a great big hug of support, which I think you need more than the slap.

>BIG BEAR HUG<

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For some crazy reason this just brought tears to my eyes, big ones that are ready to roll down my cheeks. Ugh! I am so weak today and I can't take it. OK they are rolling now...

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Originally Posted by liz28

You and your husband need counseling and you need to stay strong. As you stated already change won't happen overnight.

Btw, it is okay to vent.

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We did counseling for maybe 8 months or a bit over. That was during the heated part of the affair. It was crazy. I wanted to work on the marriage but couldn't cut the boyfriend out. It was weird. But most of the time I went alone and it was good. Your all my counseling now. She never said anything to me I didn't already know or that I haven't read in this site.

Am I crazy or does this happen? I feel like I am falling back rather then forward. I have been so good staying strong and going ahead.

Perhaps you need some alone time to figure things out and sort your feelings.

Venting! Tal I am crying big tears right now and its your hug that set it off. What's going on with me today. This is so not like me.

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Originally Posted by none12345

Perhaps you need some alone time to figure things out and sort your feelings.

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I thought that's what I did when I left home. But in the end when I was there I was never alone. My husband always drove by and the other always called. I hated it. It's a much better feeling to be with one man rather then juggle 2. I learned that lesson. Oh believe me its not worth it at all.

Today your having a down day because more than likely you wanted things to go differently between you and your husband.

You even watch the movies where someone cheating rather it the wife or husband then the cheater comes home and guess what? They kiss and make up then cry a little together, blah blah.

In real life it doesn't work that way and the only thing you can do is give it time. Stay strong and have a lot of patience. And talk to your husband and come here to vent.

XOXO

We all have bad days. Instead of focusing on your problems today, maybe you should go out and do something that will cheer you up. It's better to sort out your problems when you're in a better mood.

When you feel more up-lifted, you can come straight back here and we can help you sort out your mess.

As for your situation, you're right, you are paying the price of your mistakes. But you should also be proud of yourself for owning up to your mistake and making the effort.

I agree with that for sure. Your right. But I know its going to take time and I know it will depend on him mostly. One day he may say he can't get past it. I think today what's bothering me most is I want to just fall back and call up the other and I can't be so stupid. I can't do it. I have been strong and worked hard to get where I am in the marriage today. You know. Now I have these memories and feeling popping in my head. For the 10 steps I took forward I have fallen back some.

You need time that's all. We all have those bad days, they will pass, just build on the positive steps you have already taken, and let those feeling come out where you can deal with them.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You need time thats all. We all have those bad days, they will pass, just build on the positive steps you have already taken, and let those feeling come out where you can deal with them.

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I am scared my dealing with them will be calling the one I left behind. UGH! OK though, I am distracting myself here. Thank god I found you all.

Sunflower sometimes it is easy to not want to face your problems and look for an escape. This guy was your escape and addiction for a while.

Also, it is hard for your husband to just open up and forgive because I am sure he have people in his ears telling him not to.

Between it or not it is going the both of you to work together and it is going be hard for your husband to get to the point to where he fully trust you again.

The road is going be bumpy but if the two of you want it to work it will and can overcome this together. He is going have his days where he pull back emotionally from you and it going make you feel more down but whatever you do don't try to escape it--face it. Don't focus or dwell on your ex and turn your focus to something else.

Hey sunflower,I hope your feeling a little better and didn't make that call,if you were reading your own thread what advice would you give someone in the same position?
You made the decision to stay and give your marriage a go,stop looking over your shoulder.. move forward one tiny step at a time.. I was wondering if you and your husband had made time in the week to spend together,like a date night?
Something you would both enjoy,throw some fun back into your relationship,get to know each other again,fall in love again.

Just thinking aloud, 'cause I've been there. When this first happened, I mean when you decided to go home and make it work, you and your husband were talking. What you were talking about was the affair, but it was honest, feeling talk.

The whole thing was a bit of drama. Now things are quieter and the drama is gone. You look at the phone, knowing that calling him will put you right back, into the drama. Can you and your husband talk about your need for, "something going on?"

An activity that involves both of you besides the day-to-day stuff? Even if it's something like starting a once a week poker night, or having friends over for dinner, you and your hubby would be a team again.

No I haven't made the call yet red... if I were reading someone else's thread or even my own, I would say the same things your all saying. Trust me because I have and I meant them. Maybe now that I have fallen I need to just hear them in return.

My husband and I haven't had a date night which has always been an issue. He mentions just going here and there and then its up to me to find a sitter, which we don't have, and to find the money. Now that I am back home the bills were a stress of mine since he liked to spend. So he decided to do the majority of the bill paying to take the stress off me. Which I have to say is wonderful. But funny now that he see's reality in the checkbook he isn't calling a sitter and booking dinner either.

I just can't figure why I feel all this love for someone I left behind and don't want to be with. My husband is a good man. Sure he gets on my nerves and I do his and neither of us are perfect. But he is better then what I was running to. Now I want to run again and its killing me. Not because I am a serial cheater. I am not at all. I just feel like I miss the other one and I need to hear how he is doing or maybe if he moved on. I don't know.

Please don't think I am a cheater looking for some kind of forgiveness or whatever. I am so not. I am looking to keep venting until I get over this urge. Who said it was an addiction? Was it you liz... the other was an addiction for me and if I get past that urge I will be OK again and focused once again. Has anyone been where I am?? Well I know the right thing to do anyway and I am doing it. I am not calling.

What is it about this other man that draws you?
You said you knew he was bad for you,I'm just wondering what you got from him that was different from your husband,and were those qualities in your husband when you first met?
Your having a crappy day sunflower,but it will pass..

I think your looking for an easier way out of your stress in the marriage. I'll bet on those bad days you think of better times that you associate with the other guy.

That's not the way to confront or deal with your issues. It's a form of running away.

Do you need help with the finances, yes, you do, as that's a big issue with all couples.

Resolving them requires a plan that works that allows for a lifestyle within means, and has room for having some fun. That's calls for working together and setting limits, and goals.

I just want to add, you're a very normal, bright woman. This feeling of wanting what you can't have is normal. Particularly when it feels so good. A tough thing to over come is the mental process, the mind. Maybe you can retrain the mind to think of the damage that this relationship has caused and the set back it has caused when you think about making the call. It starts over each time you give in. Except that your husband doesn't have to forgive you ever again. You have a chance this time and you owe it to your family and yourself to give it your all.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

what is it about this other man that draws you?
you said you knew he was bad for you,im just wondering what you got from him that was different from your husband,and were those qualities in your husband when you first met?
your having a crappy day sunflower,but it will pass..

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What drew me to him? I don't know. He is so nothing like my husband. Total opposite. My husband is old fashioned in a sense. He is from a close knit family that all love each other. He would do anything for a friend, but I have always been put last, which I never understood. He is a hard worker when he is working. I might have to ask twice but he does help when I need help. He used to make me laugh, he used to be so much fun. We used to go out dancing all hours of the night for years. He isn't a manly man but tries like hell. What I mean is he can't fix a car or the plumbing but will try like hell 'till he gets it. We have traditions we have made and followed for years. We do enjoy the same things for the most part. He is well mannered and liked.


The other one is so smart. He truly seems to know everything about everything. Except the simple things in life but that's what I teach him. He is a business man and a go getter. He has cheated on his wife before me but seemed to make me feel I was the one. He is a smooth talker. He seems to be out for himself and what benefits him or makes him look good. He gets jealous of me when I talk about other people and fun I have had. When I went out one night after I moved from home he was pretty jealous and acted like a child over it until I invited him along. Then we left when he wanted to leave not when I wanted to call it a night,and it was my night out. He constantly needs reassurance that I cared for him. He looks down on most people and criticizes them. But gets so offended when I point out some of his flaws.

I could go on forever. God just writing the few things I did helped me. Sure does paint a big picture when you write it out. Maybe I should keep going.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think your looking for an easier way out of your stress in the marriage. I'll bet on those bad days you think of better times that you associate with the other guy.

Thats not the way to confront or deal with your issues. Its a form of running away.

Do you need help with the finances, yes, you do, as thats a big issue with all couples.

Resolving them requires a plan that works that allows for a lifestyle within means, and has room for having some fun. Thats calls for working together and setting limits, and goals.

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Well mostly I guess I would love the attention. He gives it but not when I need it the most. I am the type of woman where I think who cares if we are broke if we are happy. But I don't get it. Or if someone else is around or there is some type of gathering I am alone. He wonders off has a great time then comes back to me when everyone else is partied out. I get sick of it and that's what the other never did. I was the center of the attention all the time. I know it wouldn't always be like that. But maybe now that I am craving it that's why I want to cave. But as far as finances, sure we are broke. It stressed me out. But I have let him take charge for some time so he can have a hands on and see where it goes and why we have what we have. Then when he sees firsthand, like I have for years, we can see what changes to make. Right now that's working for me because I am not dealing with it and it's a huge relief.

Grief is very often a circular affair especially through the middle phases. You are doing all the right stuff by talking and recognizing your feelings. Maybe you can try journaling it all out.

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Originally Posted by susangpyp

Grief is very often a circular affair especially through the middle phases. You are doing all the right stuff by talking and recognizing your feelings. Maybe you can try journaling it all out.

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I think I am journaling here. Writing a response a little bit ago made me see part of the picture.

Hey sunny, I could'nt find the letter thread so I thought id catch you here..
Miss the craic from the castle too,don't think many got our sense of mischief!

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Originally Posted by redhed35

hey sunny, i could'nt find the letter thread so i thought id catch you here..
miss the craic from the castle too,dont think many got our sense of mischief!

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I know but it was fun. Maybe we can take it over. But I think we had already done that.

It was a cast of you me unky stringer and catsmine..

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Originally Posted by redhed35

it was a cast of you me unky stringer and catsmine..

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Yep and we did well.