Ask Me Help Desk - I am so confused about my relationship

I am so confused about my relationship

My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 years. She is 25 and I am 27. She asked for a break about 2 months ago. But we still kept in touch, and I did everything I could to win her back. We were still talking and I helped her with her new home and everything and that weekend she took off to New York. She told me that it was just with coworkers, and that its not with a new guy or anything. But everything failed so I backed off and did NC.

After NC, she came kept trying to call me and get in touch with me. After awhile I gave in and agreed to meet with her. She hugged and kissed me and asked for a second chance. I told her that I still love her and we can try and work it out. But here is the caught, I asked her if she was seeing anyone and if she took of NY with another guy. She said no and we made up a few times that night.

In the morning, I came across her journal. I just had to read it... She wrote that she did go a trip with "MR". And that he told her that he loved her but it was just getting to serious too quick for her. I was super upset so I confronted her. She said that it was just creative writing... o.O We fought for a bit and decided that we would give it another try.

I got home and started to really think... It dawned on me the initials of this mystery person. It was a doctor at the hospital that she was working at until she was fired for suspected misconduct around that doctor. Here is the thing that got me sick to my stomach, HE is 20 years older than her and he has a family with 5 CHILDREN!

So, I don't know what to think... if she is lying or if she is telling the truth.

Listen to your gut instinct, it serves you well. You know the truth already. She's lying to you. Don't play second best to her, you know that you deserve the best. Let her stew in her own deciet for awhile, don't contact her (I know how hard that is to do). But if she fears losing you for good maybe that is the wake up call she needs. All the best lovley man

I really want to make it knew to her family that she is really having an affair with that guy. She is still telling her family that we are still together. I really want to burn this bridge down and piss on it.

Hi Lost,

Was her misconduct that they had an affair? If so, she's probably lying. "Creative writing" doesn't fly.

If she is dancing between you and the good doctor, and if you really love her, you would be wise to suspend your role as boyfriend (no sex, no dates, no plans, no commitment for a while) and switch to just "very caring friends" (lots of listening and understanding; room for her to do the struggling she needs to do, and insisting on the truth all the time and both ways). Then, she can figure herself out and you can grow. A few weeks of that, and she will see herself and you more clearly. Being such a friend will take big huevos on your part, plus some genuine compassion for both her and you.

Suspending your boyfriend status provides as way to determine whether you are "in" or "out" without going through all the outrage, fighting, and justification that most people do when they flirt with breaking up. Having already given up the BF role, you will be free to be more objective and resourceful in figuring out what to do. If she wants to be with you, and is ready to stop having affairs, you both will know. If not, you will know that, too.

Either your relationship will end or you will establish a gentle, yet fierce trust that most guys don't even imagine. It's usually worth it.

Tao

I know exactly what you are saying. I myself are in a difficult relationship, with a man who doesn't seem to appreciate the good natured loving woman I am. Isn't it so dam hard to break the emotional tie with someone you love heart and soul. You deserve only the best even though you prob can't see the wood from the trees when in love. Stand tall in the fact that you are a great man that has loads to offer the world and others. If you know your true worth show it to the world proudly. When she sees you chomping away at a life with her not included only then will she know what a self obsessed lier feels like. She will find it hard to live with the web of deciet she's created for herself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

I really want to make it knew to her family that she is really having an affair with that guy. She is still telling her family that we are still together. I really want to burn this bridge down and piss on it.

Anything negative you do will be toxic to you. If she's messed up, and that's the whole story, she will pay in every relationship that occurs in her lifetime until she gets it and upgrades her behavior. Living deviously, she will suffer more than you might want to believe.

Don't try to salvage anything with her or to gain justice. Just go for the truth; the rest will take care of itself.

Tao

I am in so much pain right now.. I was moving on just fine then she calls me up after all of this because she didn't think it was going to work with the affair or scared of losing me.

I am not sure of the reason for her getting fired, but they told me that a nurse reported that they were not acting right in a hospital setting.

I don't think I can be that caring friend because of the history we have had together. And how she can just lie to my face and looking into my eyes.

I told her up front that I am NOT her safety, and if she had any hook ups with anyone just let me know. I know that we are still young and she wants to test the water a bit. SO I told just let me know and we can work through this. And that I hate being lied to. She reassured me that there was no one... BUT words are just words.
But if she sleep with someone else then that is a deal sealer for me. That just shows that she had no respect for me or herself for that matter.

We had amazing make up sex and she let me try stuff that she didn't let me before. So that kinds of lets me that that she was messing around because she is more open sexually now.

I am pretty clsoe to her family and it hurts me to think that she is using me to have an affair... so she can hide it from her family.

I just want to drive and talk to her family and tell them that./ We have broken up over 2 months ago but I still helped her because I loved her. But she was only using me to move, cover for her actions, and that she went on a trip with him, and that he is a married man with kids. I know that her parents and family would not approve of her affair.

Quote:

Originally Posted by taoplr

Don't try to salvage anything with her or to gain justice. Just go for the truth; the rest will take care of itself.

tao

I just feel so much pain that I want to bring to the light some of the things she did, I don't think it is fair to the doctor's wife and children.

What kind of man with children and a wife at home goes out and has an affair? I just don't understand these type of people... so heartless and no ethnics...

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

I am in so much pain right now...

I dont think I can be that caring friend because of the history we have had together.
...
I am pretty clsoe to her family and it hurts me to think that she is using me to have an affair... so she can hide it from her family.
...
I just want to drive and talk to her family and tell them that./ We have broken up over 2 months ago but I still helped her because I loved her. But she was only using me to move, cover for her actions, and that she went on a trip with him, and that he is a married man with kids. I know that her parents and family would not approve of her affair.

OK. Your pain is so great that you can't be her caring friend right now. Recovering from that will take time. Just don't make it worse. If and when you feel strong enough, within yourself, let it all go.

While it's understandable for you to think about it, recruiting her parents by busting her to them is revenge. That will backfire.

You still might end up with this girl. She's been really dumb, but there is still energy between you. So, be discrete, think, process your emotions, face the reality. Let yourself grow from this, instead of getting twisted into knots.

Thanks for the advice.. I feel so knotted right now because we said that we would get it another try and I would like it go.. but I don't think she is giving it her all.

Somewhere inside, I just want to get that revenge and burn down then bridge...

I told her to NOT to contact me unless she wants something more than just friends. And all of this comes about... Just so tired of being lied to.

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

i just feel so much pain that I want to bring to the light some of the things she did, I don't think it is fair to the doctor's wife and children.

What kind of man with children and a wife at home goes out and has an affair? I just don't understand these type of people...so heartless and no ethnics...

This is about you hurting. So you want her to feel the same pain as you.(trust me I've been there). But this could backfire against you. You will just look like a total tool for doing it. And it's only going to turn her against you. Cause more drama for yourself. I mean if you really want to burn a bridge that's what you would be doing.

You... I just want to her hurt like she hurt me... all of my friends are telling me not to because it probably won't help... I have known her for 7 years and I did not think she was this type of person.

I just feel used because I helped her and so that she can run off with the married guy.. that is so wrong on so many levels...

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

ya... i jsut want to her hurt like she hurt me... all of my friends are telling me not to because it probably won't help... i have known her for 7 years and I did not think she was this type of person.

I just feel used because I helped her and so that she can run off with the married guy.. that is so wrong on so many levels...

Yeah man I've been here a few times. You invest time and money. And emotion into someone for them to end up hurting you. It's normal to feel like they should hurt for hurting you. But the thing is. You would just be giving them all the power. They will know they can just use you. And yes people always after a relationship tend to do things they said the never would.

I know how it feels to be used. But the thing is if they did use you then they disrespected themselves. They ended up cheating themselves and not getting everything they could have from the relationship.

I just talked to her.. it has been confirmed that she did have an affair with the married doctor.. and she believed everything that he was telling her..

"i love you." "never cheated on my wife before.." blah blah blah

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

i just talked to her.. it has been confirmed that she did have an affair with the married doctor.. and she believed everything that he was telling her..

"i love you." "never cheated on my wife before.." blah blah blah

So she got used while using you...

You... I have her on recording telling all about her affair. I want to contact that guy's wife and let her know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

ya... i have her on recording telling all about her affair. I want to contact that guy's wife and let her know.

Your just making a huge mess. I understand you want her to hurt like she hurt you. But your going to mess with many more people. Your going to be mad out to be the bad guy in all of this. You'll not only have the girl mad at you but the guy. And his wife and his kids. You might want to consider walking away. Let karma take care of them. It's really not your place now.

I am debating if I should contact that guy's wife and tell her about this...

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

i am debating if I should contact that guy's wife and tell her about this...

I understand completely. Trust me. I could get revenge against pretty much every ex I have. But is it the right thing to do. I just don't know if I could live with myself if I got revenge. Besides I'd rather be looked back on fondly rather than the a**hole who caused them world of hurt.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonelyandbroken

Your just making a huge mess. I understand you want her to hurt like she hurt you. But your gonna mess with many more people. Your going to be mad out to be the bad guy in all of this. You'll not only have the girl mad at you but the guy. And his wife and his kids. You might want to consider walking away. Let karma take care of them. It's really not your place now.

Listen to Lonely. You are wallowing in thoughts and emotions that can only do harm. Whatever she has done, she didn't do it to hurt you. Her mistakes are hers to deal with. You are now your problem.

Take pause then take a good look at yourself. Stand up and move on with your life! If you still can't and believe yourself stuck, get it out in therapy. But whatever you do, get out of this toxic loop.

Tao

Stop talking to her because this is adding to the torture your already doing to yourself.

Move on and let her go. You owe her nothing and neither does you. She have her own life to live and so do you. If she wants to run around with a married man than let her because she is going reap what she sow. Karma will catch up to her.

You still have life in you and I know break-ups aren't easy but believe me you will survive and behind every dark cloud is a rainbow waiting to appear. You can do it but you have to want to.

I want to believe in karma... but I think it's the right thing to do.. (might be the anger)... but you don't think his wife deserves the right to know that that kind of man she has at home?

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

i want to believe in karma... but I think its the right thing to do.. (might be the anger)... but you don't think his wife deserves the right to know that that kind of man she has at home?

It's not your place to hurt the guys wife though. And maybe she already know's what kind of husband she has. Your best bet is to just move on with your own life.

I think its my right her hurt the guy that hurt me...

You don't know what is going on in their household and I think you should wash your hands and move on.

Yes, if my husband cheated on me I would want to be inform but I guarantees she knows something is up and pays it no mind and deals with it for whatever reasons. Or she might be in denial.

If she doesn't knows then she needs to wise up and wake up because everyone knows their partner is up to no good. It is called instincts.

However, you shouldn't dwell on it and should move on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

i think its my right her hurt the guy that hurt me...

I know you feel that way. But you know. She made her choice to be with that guy. She's the one that cheated on you. Maybe that guy didn't know about you. Either way this will just keep going around in a big messy circle. Where does the hurting one another stop. Karma will smack you in the face for hurting them again and again.

I know that guy and he knows me... he is 45-50 years old that is at least 20 years older than her... I'm sick just thinking about this

I want to be the bigger person and let it go.. but I think she is such a ty person and been feeding me all of this bs...

While your anger, and frustration is understandable, don't let them make you act a fool, and regret it later.

No excuse for being immature, but you do need to get her out of your life until you have much better control over your self and the emotional dust has settled.

NO MORE EXCUSES, just disappear from her life.

So everyone really thinks that his family doesn't deserve to know that he is a cheater? I don't think that is fair to his family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

so everyone really thinks that his family doesn't deserve to know that he is a cheater? i don't think that is fair to his family.

It's not that. It's we are trying to give you advice for yourself. Not for anyone else. It doesn't matter if it's fair or not. I'm not the judge. We are just trying to tell you how to move on. Playing this game will not help you move on but prolong the suffering of a lot of people.

Lashing out in anger and frustration makes you as wrong as her, and him, NO GOOD COMES OF THAT!

So I should just let him get away with this?

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

so i should just let him get away with this?

It's not your place to punish him. Right now you need to worry about yourself. Trust me dude. I know how it is to want revenge. But no good will come of this. Go out of this relationship as a man. Not as a punk. Stop waisting time trying to get revenge. And go NC and start your healing.

I know your hurting and you see this as a way to make them all hurt just like you. But is that how you want to be remembered. Do the right thing and walk...

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

so i should just let him get away with this?

Your not letting him get away with anything but you need to let it go instead of holding on this anger and frustration that is building up inside of you. Otherwise your going let it eat you up and it you won't be able heal nor move on.

So let it go and don't get yourself caught up in the drama.

Its hard to let go... some where in my mind, it seems like if I don't tell his wife... then its another thing on my conscience

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

its hard to let go... some where in my mind, it seems like if i don't tell his wife... then its another thing on my conscience

Well why don't you try this then. Wait two months and see if you still care about hurting them so much. Right now your in a huge storm of emotion. You need to get away from it to think clearly. Revisit it in two. And if you still feel that you need to tell his wife. For her sake alone. Not to hurt the guy or your ex. Then maybe you can. But you really need to just take some time and get away from the drama.

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

so i should just let him get away with this?

You should get yourself under control and disappear from her life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by totallylost07

its hard to let go... some where in my mind, it seems like if i don't tell his wife... then its another thing on my conscience

No, that's not what's going on. You want to tell his wife in order to bust the man you are angry with. You'll only end up hurting his wife and kids, but apparently that won't weigh on your conscience, will it? Leave it alone.

I know you guys are right... but I just want to burn it all down then walk away... because Idk if I can be that bigger person. They are so heartless, it feels like they stole my soul from me. Without a soul, wth should I care what they think... maybe after I burn everything down I can move on. Because there is nothing else I can do.

Right now, I have so many options. If I burn it all down I won't have anymore options, but to move on. I know if I let everyone know what a shady person she is, then she will never come back to me. That might be what I need.

Sigh... just like my sn: totally lost