Ok, so I work for a local social agency, as a counselor. My caseload has me dealing with children and adolescents. I am in many of the local schools, including my daughters. My daughter's guidance counselor and I have talked frequently, even flirted with each other, from time to time I get mixed signals from him and I too have given mixed signals, he is my daughters guidance counselor. The more we interact with each other, the more we seem to flirt with each other. His body language is positive for attraction and so is mine. The only thing I can think of is that he's waiting for my daughter to leave this year and go to the high school until he asks me out. It would be unethical of him to pursue a relationship with me while she is still his student.
That being said, he gives me clusters of signals that he's attracted to me and I just don't understand why he at least hasn't stated his feelings for me. Why hasn't he asked me out yet? I'm an independent, strong, educated women who is thinking like a giddy school girl...

Perhaps you are mistaken in reading his body language. Is your only attraction to him the fact that you think he is flirting with you ? Maybe he is just being very pleasant.

Tick

A. Maybe he has an ethical policy of not dating people involved with his career in any way.

B. I have had many guy friends that have flirted with a girl or made a simple flirty type comment that a guy would make to someone he passes by. Their explanation is they 'want to make the girls day and give her something to smile about.'

It is possible, that I have misread some, but not all. I am attracted to him physically as well as intellectually. He has the most amazing blue eyes that when I first started to talk to him he would stare at me and I would drop IQ points. It takes a lot to get me rattled, he can knock me off my game. I am attracted to his intelligence as well. He is beginning his Ph.D program and I am studying for my L.P.C. I enjoy talking to him about our education plans too. Just when I think I am over my little crush... he'll start flirting again... He'll call me late in the evening under the pretense of work related concerns and tease me about how this is his time, (as if I should feel pleased that he's expending his own time on me) and during our conversations he'll tease me, and say other things that are suggestive. You've confused me, as to the possibilities. I have examined his body language and he is sending clusters of 4 or more signals that present as signs of attraction. Is it possible that he is just physically attracted to me, sure. It's possible that I am just physically attracted to him, as well. I would love the opportunity to get to know him better. The last day of school is this week and well... some advice would be nice.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

A. Maybe he has an ethical policy of not dating people involved with his career in any way.

B. I have had many guy friends that have flirted with a girl or made a simple flirty type comment that a guy would make to someone he passes by. Their explanation is they 'want to make the girls day and give her something to smile about.'

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A, is a possibility.

B. When he has overtly flirted I have made comments like, don't flirt with me, I'll take you seriously... he hasn't stopped.

You have to know there are rules against dating the parents of students you are a counselor to. I pretty sure he isn't willing to risk losing his job by asking you out and having it turn bad and then bringing that drama back to his place of employment.

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Originally Posted by chuff

You have to know there are rules against dating the parents of students you are a counselor to. I pretty sure he isn't willing to risk losing his job by asking you out and having it turn bad and then bringing that drama back to his place of employment.

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I do... and I would not behave in such a manner...

You're right though... I should not give back any signals... but so you think I should discuss it first and acknowledge the attraction with him... or just shut off all body signals that would indicate my attraction?

Your post doesn't say if he is available or not. Find out and if he is available, invite him over for dinner. Simple as that! Don't wait for him to ask you. He is a guidance counselor, not a psychiatrist and bound by the same rules a teacher would be bound by. You and he have just as much right to a happy life as everybody else. If there are "special" school rules preventing him from seeing you, he will tell you. The only thing you have to gain by not acting is loneliness.

Some people are flirts by nature. My father flirts the same way this guy does and I know his signals was taken wrong too many times.

Some how I think since your attracted to him you might be reading more into his flirting ways.

Time for you to cool it and if anything wait until your child leave the school and then maybe you can invite him out to lunch, coffee or dinner.
There is nothing wrong with you making the first move after you daughter leave. He can only say yes or no but nothing venture is nothing gain.

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Originally Posted by lencheski

I do...and I would not behave in such a manner...

you're right though...I should not give back any signals...but so you think I should discuss it first and acknowledge the attraction with him....or just shut off all body signals that would indicate my attraction?

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I think you should do what he is doing. Don't act on anything. He is behaving in a responsible manner, you should do the same.

... and he could just be enjoying the cat and mouse game. Use your head, not your hormones

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Originally Posted by SailorMark

Your post doesn't say if he is available or not. Find out and if he is available, invite him over for dinner. Simple as that! Don't wait for him to ask you. He is a guidance counselor, not a psychiatrist and bound by the same rules a teacher would be bound by. You and he have just as much right to a happy life as everybody else. If there are "special" school rules preventing him from seeing you, he will tell you. The only thing you have to gain by not acting is loneliness.

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He is available, he made it a point to tell me he was divorced last summer. I too am divorced. Last we spoke, we spoke of being single parents and how it can be a struggle... and how our children are still the apples of our eyes.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think you should do what he is doing. Don't act on anything. He is behaving in a responsible manner, you should do the same.

...and he could just be enjoying the cat and mouse game. Use your head, not your hormones

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I have been using my head which is why I don't jump in the mans lap when he is giving me the most intense eye contact ever, he has already made me blush on two occasions when looking me in the eye... to the point where I had to tell him to stop, I couldn't help but look sown and away, and then back up... I gave myself away. Hell, I couldn't help it, it was a natural response to his this intense eye contact.. . trust me when I tell you I understand kinesics... I'm a trained professional with a degree in Psychology and organized behavior. When I'm in the room be it alone or with others, the body language is postdive for attraction.

But that being said, back to your answer. I think there is something to what you've said about the cat and mouse game comment... you just might have something there. I do think it strokes his ego, since he knows I am attracted to him, just like I know he's attracted to me.

Any advise is appreciated and will be taken seriously. My conflict is between thinking and feeling. The balance between the two, is my crux... I am a living in my head kind of women, I've not given into my emotions. I have been described as stoic, by more than one person... So, that being said, I got the cognitive part down, it's matter of the hearts I lack knowledge on.

You have to remember what is at stake. I think this man is playing a game with you, seeing how far he can go, seeing how far he can get you to go.
I suggest you just stop playing the game. When your daughter is out of that school you can pick things up again if you want.
It's time to either go into a relationship (and that would be wrong) or stop the game.
This is a game to him, a matter of the head, not the heart. Have as little to do with him as possible.

I think everyone is making way too much out of this.

I think you are more than entitled to see this man if that's what you both want. You are both consenting adults for crying out loud. You are not by any means being immoral or acting out on hormones alone...

I think the man might be afraid of rejection, just as you probably are. He knows he has to see you regularly and he's afraid to ask you out in case he misread the signs, and then has to keep seeing you at school.

If I were you, I would simply ask 'is there a particular reason why you haven't asked me out yet?' Simple, to the point, and will answer all your questions.

No one is suggesting she is immoral. There is a problem of professional ethics with his job and hers for that matter. They should not have a relationship while her daughter is his student, he knows that and so does she. She is the one who says she is behaving like a giddy school girl. I suggested that she use her head. Don't start something that can end badly. Wait until her daughter is no longer his student. If you know you two cannot pursue a relationship at this time, stop playing games with each other until you can, otherwise you're asking for trouble. I was in no way judging her. In fact she agreed that perhaps he was getting a kick out of the game.
The fact that they are consenting adults is immaterial at this juncture. My concern is the professional ethics of it. Neither one wants to loose a job over the hots.
But she can ask him, and depending on what he says, the game should still stop until a more opportune and appropriate time.

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Originally Posted by NWN

I think everyone is making way too much out of this.

I think you are more than entitled to see this man if that's what you both want. You are both consenting adults for crying out loud. You are not by any means being immoral or acting out on hormones alone...

I think the man might be afraid of rejection, just as you probably are. He knows he has to see you regularly and he's afraid to ask you out in case he misread the signs, and then has to keep seeing you at school.

If I were you, I would simply ask 'is there a particular reason why you haven't asked me out yet?' Simple, to the point, and will answer all your questions.

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Before you start knocking down everyone advice maybe you should go back and reread what everyone wrote.

We all know they are adults but I am sure he only flirts but haven't ask her out because her dauggter attends the school he works at.

Since her daughter will soon be leaving the school she can step up and ask him out before school is out.

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Originally Posted by NWN

I think you are more than entitled to see this man if that's what you both want. You are both consenting adults for crying out loud. You are not by any means being immoral or acting out on hormones alone...

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I manage females at work and we could both be consenting adults but that doesn't mean I'm entitled to do anything with them. In fact, quite the opposite, I would lose my job for it. He is not entitled to date her.

I know a few men in position of authority who are in the same boat as this guy. I also know that if they made a move towards an attractive woman in the office, married or not, could be slapped with a sexual harassment claim that their Human Resources Dept. would have to sort out, and explain. If the OP was an entirely different person, a woman who takes offence at just about any sexual inuendo (whether or not she likes it) wouldn't hesitate to make trouble for a decent guy.

We had a situation in Toronto courts not too long ago where a secretary accused a 'sitting' judge of pinching her bottom while passing her in the hall. It went to court. It turned out, no witnesses, but just the same the woman was deemed creditable and the judge said flatly that he didn't do it. He doesn't have recourse and won't take it further because his very good reputation in our Court system is already damaged.

So, I agree with chuff. He always makes good sense.

Tick

Ok... I can't keep my mouth shut. You have said that both of you are adults, but you are acting very immaturely. I have been in a position of power before, employees have asked me out, and I have said "Well, I am flattered, but I cannot do that". Why not just ask him out and see what happens? Maybe he is shy? You never know. It is 2009, the guy does not always have to be the aggressor. At least this way, you know if he is interested or not.

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Originally Posted by NWN

I think everyone is making way too much out of this.

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Yes, NWN, some of us probably have but the fact remains the OP put it all out there because she was in a quandary and she came to the right place. That is what's good about AMHD, diverse opinions, bu the only problem is, one has to sort through all the bad to get at the good.

We always look on the bright side and fortunately this is not a life or death situation. Some of these posts appear to be just that !

You were expressing your opinion and it was a good one.

Regards

Tick

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She is the one who says she is behaving like a giddy school girl. I suggested that she use her head..

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I need to clarify, I never said I was behaving like a giddy school girl... I said I was thinking like a giddy school girl.

I am behaving professionally...

... and so is he...

No one has done anything that we could lose our jobs over. And when I said he could be getting a kick out of the flirtatious back and forth. I meant that his ego was being flattered, mine too. SO do I think that he is getting some sort of male EGO boost, I didn't think it was negative.

I am in a crux, a dilemma, due to how I feel. I am asking for advice, I'll take all advice. Not just what someone thinks I want to hear.

I would never do anything that would jeapordize or risk, my ethical code or standards.

I was not criticizing you I did not say you were behaving unprofessionally.
I'm on your side girl friend. I just want you to be careful. Don't allow him to toy with you. Wait until your daughter is out of that school and then go for it if you want to.

Stop flirting, and be serious responsible adults who can discuss and deal with sensitive, important issues, and don't have to presume, and assume, like immature kids.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I was not criticizing you I did not say you were be having unprofessionally.
I'm on your side girl friend. I just want you to be careful. Don't allow him to toy with you. Wait until your daughter is out of that school and then go for it if you want to.

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OH, I didn't think you were criticizing me at all, I just wanted to clarify, so that anyone reading the posts, didn't think I was rolling around local jr. highs strolling for guidance counselors... JK

I'm glad your on my side, and I am glad that you are giving good advice, as to making sure that I am using my head and staying firm in reality instead of floating around in fantasy land thinking about this guy.


Well, I will say this, I would definitely wait till she is done with school.

I would like to go for it, I am afraid of rejection mostly... I have never been in this situation before and need advice on how to proceed.

Please keep you insight and thoughts coming... the more open discussion regarding this will help.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Stop flirting, and be serious responsible adults who can discuss and deal with sensitive, important issues, and don't have to presume, and assume, like immature kids.

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Wow, tell me how you really feel about what is going on here... I wouldn't want you to hold back or anything...

We can and have discussed things as responsible adults. We're people too, not just our careers. We are and have been able to be completely professional, and work together. We talk as adults, were not children... flirting is a natural response to chemical reactions in the body- flirting or non verbal signals of attraction happen.

We are friendly colleagues... who have gone back and forth about a great many topics. I would like to get to know him better...

I don't think I asked to be berated, I thought I asked for constructive advise...

He just might be married and trying to see if he still had it or waiting for that right monment to ask u out who knows but time will tell.:)

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Originally Posted by jannolovely

He just might be married and trying to see if he still had it or waiting for that right monment to ask u out who knows but time will tell.:)

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He's not married, he's divorced. We have had the discussion numerous times...

I'm wondering/hoping that you are right about waiting for the right time.. like when my daughter leaves the jr high and goes to the high school.

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Wow, tell me how you really feel about what is going on here... I wouldn't want you to hold back or anything...

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Merely pointing out that at some point the conversation has to be about what you would like top do, and not just flirting. How else would you avoid assuming , and presuming, and get the facts necessary for a reasonable decision, or direction?

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Flirting is a natural response to chemical reactions in the body- flirting or non verbal signals of attraction happen.

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Yeah its fun, I get that, but it can also send out mixed signals, and needs to be clarified in order that serious inquiry can occur.

You'll never know how he feels or what can be done without finding out directly.

It may have to be kept at a very discreet level, given the involvement of your daughter, and your workplace, but the subject, for clarity sake, can be broached very easily, especially as you say, since you discuss a wide variety of subjects.

He may feel as you do, he may not. You'll never know unless you ask.

Don't be so sensitive, I was not berating you, just soliciting facts you haven't revealed. From what you wrote you shuffle papers all day, and flirt with some dude in your office.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Merely pointing out that at some point the conversation has to be about what you would like top do, and not just flirting. How else would you avoid assuming , and presuming, and get the facts necessary for a reasonable decision, or direction?



Yeah its fun, I get that, but it can also send out mixed signals, and needs to be clarified in order that serious inquiry can occur.

You'll never know how he feels or what can be done without finding out directly.

It may have to be kept at a very discreet level, given the involvement of your daughter, and your workplace, but the subject, for clarity sake, can be broached very easily, especially as you say, since you discuss a wide variety of subjects.

He may feel as you do, he may not. You'll never know unless you ask.

Don't be so sensitive, I was not berating you, just soliciting facts you haven't revealed. From what you wrote you shuffle papers all day, and flirt with some dude in your office.

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He is not in my office, I work for a social agency and am also a counselor. I work as a psychiatric social worker... but am getting ready to take my LPC.

He is a counselor in one of many schools that I am in.

I must have misread your communication or thought I had been more clear about what I do. I am fearful of rejection as I have never been in this position before. I don't know how you guys do it...

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Lencheski, 1772093.
. I am fearful of rejection as I have never been in this position before. I don't know how you guys do it...

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Its sort of like rolling off a log but once you get the first time under your belt (the fear of rejection) it will never happen to you again. Just go for it, if that is what you desire.

ms. tick

Don't let your fear of rejection allow you to fall for anyone who pays a bit of attention to you. There are those who will flirt with you just for the fun of it.
When your daughter is no longer there, you will know what is really on this guys mind. In the meantime don't take it too seriously.
I wish you well.

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Originally Posted by tickle

Its sort of like rolling off a log but once you get the first time under your belt (the fear of rejection) it will never happen to you again. Just go for it, if that is what you desire.

ms. tick

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Any thoughts on how to approach...

Sounds like you have a lot in common. You have a similar background. You are apparently attracted to each other. What if he doesn't have this social network (askmehelpdesk.com) and he is just as interested and hesitant as you? Nothing is going to happen unless one of you makes a move. Teachers date and get married. People in your position get married to people in his position. As long as there are no ethical rules preventing it, I think you should send him a nice card with a little note stating that you have found him interesting and that since you don't really have an opportunity to socialize with him often through work that you'd like to have him over for dinner.

Like I said before, both of you have a right to seek happiness (even says so in the Declaration of Independance).

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Originally Posted by SailorMark

Sounds like you have a lot in common. You have a similar background. You are apparently attracted to each other. What if he doesn't have this social network (askmehelpdesk.com) and he is just as interested and hesitant as you? Nothing is going to happen unless one of you makes a move. Teachers date and get married. People in your position get married to people in his position. As long as there are no ethical rules preventing it, I think you should send him a nice card with a little note stating that you have found him interesting and that since you don't really have an opportunity to socialize with him often through work that you'd like to have him over for dinner.

Like I said before, both of you have a right to seek happiness (even says so in the Declaration of Independance).

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If he has the social network askmehelpdesk.com I might be mortified if he saw this...

But I might try your suggestion, although, don't you think it's easier to gauge his reaction if done in person? Any thoughts...

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Originally Posted by lencheski

if he has the social network askmehelpdesk.com I might be mortified if he saw this....

but I might try your suggestion, although, don't you think it's easier to gauge his reaction if done in person? any thoughts....

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Then by all means hand him the card and watch his reaction. This way you won't have to spend agonizing hours waiting to hear back from him and can ask what he likes to eat before you have to cook it!

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Originally Posted by SailorMark

Then by all means hand him the card and watch his reaction. This way you wont have to spend agonizing hours waiting to hear back from him and can ask what he likes to eat before you have to cook it!

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Good idea...

Have you ever asked a guy out before?

I'm nervous and well, I can see why men fear rejection... note to self, if not interested in guy... let them down nicely.


This is hell...

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Originally Posted by lencheski

good idea....

have you ever asked a guy out before?

I'm nervous and well, I can see why men fear rejection...note to self, if not interested in guy ....let them down nicely.


this is hell...

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Um... I have to admit that I have never asked out a guy before, but I have asked women out. It was my wife who initiated our relationship and asked me out to dinner.

Thanks for your feedback, it does add a lot of information to the mix.

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It would be unethical of him to pursue a relationship with me while she is still his student.

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For the time being this is a good concern, but simply asking him if its possible to have coffee when this is no longer an issue, would clear the air significantly, and give you a bit of insights as to what direction you can move in. A casual simple approach, that can yield many facts.

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I'm nervous and well, I can see why men fear rejection... note to self, if not interested in guy... let them down nicely.

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I tell young guys all the time to overcome their fear, or wonder forever about missed options, and opportunities. Its always a risk, when you explore unknown territory!

OK what do you tell young girls... of say around the age of 35+, who've not ever had to be on the other end...


WHAT do MEN think of WOMEN that ask them out? I have always been very strong and independent, but with my career and with my education,I haven't been so lucky in Love or matters of the heart personally... so as a women, I am finding that I am in uncharted territory

I say take the simple approach. Ask him if he would like to meet for coffee. You drive and meet him there, heck pay for his coffee. He either will or he won't. If he says yes, look at it as an informal "getting to know you" Nothing more than that. Don't expect anything but that. You should know whether you two click on any other level , other than just flirting.