Hey all,

So my g/f broke up with me after 3 yrs due to lost of passion and being too dependent on each other, and things getting routine by spending almost every day together. I got the dreaded "need space", "independence", and "can we stay friends".I learned quickly that being friends after a break up was next to impossible if the break up was not mutual. (leading to begging, pleading, and wondering of there was another guy etc which obviously pushed her further away). She assured me she was not looking to get into another relationship (even if this wasn't true, it surprisingly helped me get through the beginning stages of the break up, but I honestly do believe her in this respect). After a couple days, I told her I accepted her decision. We progressively had less and less contact and eventually went into no contact for about 3 weeks (no contact was my idea, as I found it very hard to do even daily activities). During this time, I reflected on what went wrong, how I can improve myself, and started working out, while she did her own thing. After I felt happy about myself, I re-established contact and we went to the movies together and spent time talking (just catching up, nothing about us though) but overall had a great time. So Later in the evening, eventually, I brought up us. I told her the break up was a good decision. I said that I still however had feelings for her and that if she would consider giving us a second chance. She said she'll think about it. After telling her, I started to flirt with her and she was very responsive. Also, she was impressed on how I'm more fit and I think she can tell I'm able to stand on my own two feet without her and feel more confident. I am trying to get her back slowly and trying not to apply any pressure (which I know asking for a second chance may be opposite of that intention :( ). As well, I'm keeping contact at a minimum till we meet again (were going to a concert together). I do not want to be viewed as only a friend from her as obviously I want more. Im not really sure how to act, or things I should avoid saying. Im trying to avoid appearing desperate or needy. Im trying to just act like myself and so far its been good but she's not the type to bring up the relationship I don't think (so I feel I have to, which is why I brought it up after the movie). From now on though I think I will avoid doing it till she's ready to give me an answer. So right now I'm not sure how I should act when I see her again, should I just keep acting like myself and see what happens? (obviously I'll continue to flirt haha :) ) And how long should I wait till I expect an answer? I do not want to wait forever. But I also do not want to move on if I know we still have a shot.

If you do like her and want to win her back, there are two approaches:

1) You tell her how you feel. You tell her that you want a second chance and then leave her alone. In this case, you will let her find her. If she wanted something to happen, she will let you know.

But at the same time, you being to move on with your life, because you could be waiting forever. So there's no reason for you to put your life on hold.

2) You tell her how you feel and you continue seeing her. This will give her all the control. She can easily lead you on. She can date other guys and keep you hang around as her safety net or backup, which she experiments with other guys.

However, neither choices are advisable because you broke up for a reason and you could be dragging out your pain and suffering.

I think that 'waiting' for another person - particularly when they have initiated the break up - is very ill advised.

You've been doing great, and in your gut you knew that you had to minimise contact and get on with your life. I'd continue to do this - go to the gym, see your friends, see movies without her.

Talking to her about how you want her back flatters her and gives her power. She may not even be thinking about getting back with you, but is flattered because you hang around and ask for second chances - she keeps you hanging on. But you're not helping yourself by doing this, because, I suspect it only prolongs the inevitable.

I'd back off and keep doing the independent thing. And I mean genuinely do it - for you, not for her. If she decides to give you another chance (and she probably won't), it has to be on your terms not hers.

If you want to call the shots, stop doing things to please her and 'seduce' her. Stop waiting. See her less, and move on with your life. She can follow if she wishes, and if she doesn't you're not left hanging out for something you couldn't have.

Either way, she's going to move on with her life. So you can either sit in sorrow and put your life on hold while she's enjoying her independence.

Or you can even the playing field and move on with your life too. She already knows that you want a second chance, so if she wanted it too, she will come to you.

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Originally Posted by I wish

Either way, she's going to move on with her life. So you can either sit in sorrow and put your life on hold while she's enjoying her independence.

Or you can even the playing field and move on with your life too. She already knows that you want a second chance, so if she wanted it too, she will come to you.

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Yah, thanks for the advice, definitely won't wait since she knows where I stand. I have plans to see her, is it ill advised to see her? I mean, I'm at a point where I can keep my emotions in check and just go out and have fun with her and then go back to our own lives and do my own thing. Play it nonchalant as they say. I am indifferent in whatever she chooses to do.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

yah, thanks for the advice, definately won't wait since she knows where i stand. I have plans to see her, is it ill advised to see her? I mean, im at a point where i can keep my emotions in check and just go out and have fun with her and then go back to our own lives and do my own thing. Play it nonchalant as they say. I am indifferent in whatever she chooses to do.

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You are blinded by your emotions if you think this. Your post is a contradiction in terms my friend. I will tell you why you cannot be friends with her right now: Because you are acting off pure emotions every time you contact her, hang out with her, etc. There shouldn't be a motive to hang out with your friends beyond just enjoying your time.

Simply put, and this will happen if you continue to do what you do: Can you handle seeing her intimate with another guy? Are you ready for that? I doubt it, so I would suggest making yourself scarce for awhile. She knows how to find you, and she will let you know if she wants you. You already told her you have feelings for her, now disappear.

There is no more desperate thing than letting a girl know how you feel about her all the while trying to play cool and do the friends thing. That is a first way ticket to being used. You want to prove you are independent now, do more than go to the gym and getting in shape... leave her a$$ alone.

I'd go to the concert with because you've already committed to it and then at the end of the night say to her, "I'll see your around sometime" and not talk to her again. She'll wonder what you meant by that statement and you'll be able to continue to improve. That is exactly where you need to be at right now, constantly improving. Hanging out with her is actually taking you a step back.

Threads merged and edited

We went through a portion of the break up with limited contact and no contact. I tried my best during this time to focus on myself. Me, thinking she was doing the same. Apparently she did not and instead dwelled on our relationship. Recently, I asked for another chance and she said she was not ready. "She said she does not want to be so dependent on me, she said she realized that if i ever left she would be totally screwed." and her during the break up realized she still needed me badly. Basically she wants to get to the point where she doesn't need to be with me.. but want to be with me... I understood this and recently told her we should go no contact again for her sake. It was the hardest thing to do since I love her so much. She says she still loves me and still has feelings for me but wants that feeling of independence. Its confusing because its seems we both love each other and still we can not be together. I don't plan to wait around for her, but am wondering if no contact is the best way to go about this?


Also, I do prefer to stay in her life, and be there for her while she goes through this. But if I stay in her life will she ever not need to depend on me? I also don't want to just be friends, so I'm afraid to hang out with her in fear I will fall in the friend zone.

If she loves you, she should want to be with you. So I don't know if what you have here is love. I understand she wants her independence but that doesn't mean she can't have it while been with you. I think no contact was the right thing to do, just go on with your life and don't wait around for her. If another person shows up, I think you should go for it.

Let her be. This isn't about "no contact". This is about her needing to grow up. You are not helping her out at all by being there for her or being available whenever she needs you to. A break up is a break up, there is no in between. Anything else, and you are only fooling yourself. If she wants you, she will find you. Until then, disappear from her life.

You need to sit back and relax. Then clear your head because your thoughts are all over the place right now.

You already know you can't be with her right now due to her own problems she have to sort her.

Going NC is more for you than her but it would benefit the both of you. Start your healing and don't live off false hope. Once you accept things are over between the two you then your be able to let go.

Yah... the false hope was the main reason I opted for no contact.. I just couldn't do it anymore. With regards to independence issue she said "while we were broken up, i got really lonely and really really wanted to contact you, and that's what im scared of..im so dependent on you right now and i dont want that".

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

we went through a portion of the break up with limited contact and no contact. I tried my best during this time to focus on myself. Me, thinking she was doing the same. Apparently she did not and instead dwelled on our relationship.

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I don't think she did.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

Recently, i asked for another chance and she said she was not ready.

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For that reason.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

"She said she does not want to be so dependent on me, she said she realized that if i ever left she would be totally screwed."

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But you did leave, and she was not totally screwed and she doesn't want to go back to you... so yeah, something's not making sense.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

and her during the break up realized she still needed me badly.

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To the point of not going back with you.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

Basically she wants to get to the point where she doesn't need to be with me..but want to be with me...

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So she doesn't want to be with you.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

I understood this and recently told her we should go no contact again for her sake.

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You were right, but you should being doing it for your sake, not hers.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

It was the hardest thing to do since i love her so much. She says she still loves me and still has feelings for me but wants that feeling of independence.

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Sounds like a confusing message that really means, I want my independence but I want you to wait for me.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

Its confusing because its seems we both love each other and still we can not be together.

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You still love her. You can't speak for her.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

I dont plan to wait around for her, but am wondering if no contact is the best way to go about this?

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Absolutely. Stick with your plans of not waiting around as well.

As long as you keep in contact you are not only having false hope but you will still be taking things for granted and not learning what you need to to get past this. Basically absence can make the heart grow fonder and she will get out and find what it is she is looking for. As long as you are in the picture she will not feel she is progressing in what she needs to find out.

Yah the whole thing is confusing.. its the fact she missed me a ton that she doesn't want to be with me. Because it made her feel like she needs me and she doesn't want that. She did say she really still loves me but just needs to figure this one thing out. She wants to be OK when she's alone and not think about me all the time.

Your situation isn't confusing at all. Your just letting her make it confusing and your adding to the confusion.

End the confusion for you both, by going No Contacts, so you both can figure this out.

Disappear from her life, and stay out!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

End the confusion for you both, by going No Contacts, so you both can figure this out.

Disappear from her life, and stay out!!

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And that's what I plan to do. It's so hard to keep at it :(

Just so you know, everyone who has started No Contact, ( your truly included!! ) has found that it's the hardest thing they have ever done.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Just so you know, everyone who has started No Contact, ( your truly included!!!! ) has found that its the hardest thing they have ever done.

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... and here I thought putting up with me was the hardest thing you've ever done.:D

Update: the problem with the first time with no contact is that she initiated the contact with me.. and then continued to.. which gave me hope and all my feeling rushed back and that led to us seeing each other again.. this time I made it clear not to message me until she wants to work on us or I'll message her when I'm ready to be just friends. Day 3 since no contact version 2, and its been a lot easier the second time around. Part of me wants her to go to my sister's wedding though which is 20 days away because my sister only gets married once.. but then I'd be breaking the no contact.. thoughts?

Go to your sister's wedding alone. You sister gets married once and wants you to be as comfortable as possible at her ceremony. Speaking of which it's her ceremony, and her day, not yours so don't turn this into your day because you don't have a date.

AND the plus going to wedding as a newly single man is, all the girls see another girl get married and they all emotional and start thinking "I wish I had a guy" and that is where you might just have a good night without a date.

Well its been over a week of no contact the second time around haha.. been trying to keep busy etc focusing on myself, catching up with some old friends, working. I'm not sure what else I can be doing.. . I feel though like the no contact is just creating more distance between us and I fear we'll just forget each other eventually. I guess a part of me still wants to reconcile and is in a bit of denial. On days alone I guess is when I ponder about us and what seems to be an easy fix. I wonder if talking it out with her would help? I'm always wondering if there was anything else I can do? It feels like no contact is like giving up and trying to forget. Such a emotional rollercoaster, some days are really good some days are really bad that I almost break no contact.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

well its been over a week of no contact the second time around haha..been trying to keep busy etc focusing on myself, catching up with some old friends, working. im not sure what else i can be doing. ..I feel tho like the no contact is just creating more distance between us and I fear we'll just forget each other eventually. I guess a part of me still wants to reconcile and is in a bit of denial. On days alone i guess is when i ponder about us and what seems to be an easy fix. I wonder if talking it out with her would help? im always wondering if there was anything else i can do? it feels like no contact is like giving up and trying to forget. Such a emotional rollercoaster, some days are really good some days are really bad that i almost break no contact.

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Can I ask you something?

Why are you in no contact?No contact is suppose to make you guys go separate

Ways and not bring you guys together. No contact is not used to get your ex but it is a chance to rebuild your life without her. Just disappear from her life man? It will get better but not anytime soon. It took me 3 months compared to one week, that's nothing. Now I'm completely over her although it still comes back from time to time.

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Originally Posted by none12345

Can i ask you something?

Why are you in no contact?No contact is suppose to make you guys go separate

ways and not bring you guys together. No contact is not used to get your ex but it is a chance to rebuild your life without her. Just disappear from her life man? It will get better but not anytime soon. It took me 3 months compared to one week, thats nothing. Now im completely over her although it still comes back from time to time.

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Yah I understand. Its to move on, let her go, and basically get your own life back. Just I guess some days I'm left pondering of what could have been. I guess that's normal and it will pass.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

yah i understand. its to move on, let her go, and basically get your own life back. Just i guess some days im left pondering of what could have been. I guess that's normal and it will pass.

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mommy said there will be days like these. Lol I love that phrase =P

but yah I understand, I've been there myself. Keep yourself busy and work on being a more attractive person for the next girl that comes into your life.

Work out to be in shape and look good, study hard to get the brains and be a genius, and work on personality skills that attract.

By the time you finish those, I can almost guarantee you'll find someone else or maybe even half way into it.

Hello all, its been 2+weeks of complete no contact with my ex and about 2 months of the actual break up. So over the time I've really reflected on what I need to work on to improve on a relationship. For some reason I'm having this feeling that I need to tell my ex that I found these faults of myself in the relationship and really want to tell her that I'm working on them. I am not expecting her to take me back by any means, but for some reason I feel like I need her to know so I can get the so called "closure" that I did everything I could and then slip back into no contact. However, this entails breaking no contact which I guess makes me look weak? For some reason its really bugging me and it feels I'll regret it if I don't let her know. Anyone have the same problem?

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

hello all, its been 2+weeks of complete no contact with my ex and about 2 months of the actual break up. So over the time i've really reflected on what i need to work on to improve on a relationship. For some reason im having this feeling that i need to tell my ex that i found these faults of myself in the relationship and really want to tell her that im working on them. I am not expecting her to take me back by any means, but for some reason i feel like i need her to know so i can get the so called "closure" that i did everything i possibly could and then slip back into no contact. However, this entails breaking no contact which i guess makes me look weak? for some reason its really bugging me and it feels i'll regret it if i dont let her know. Anyone have the same problem?

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You are not to break NC for any reason.

The reason you site is why you don't break NC. I think this comes up with everyone. We sense that we are improving or recognize where we could have done better and instead of being proud of that, we want to run to the other person and show them up for improving or hope they will give us one more shot. You say you are not expecting her to come back to you and I think you can logically say that, but emotionally you lie to yourself and really hope this is the outcome.

This is exactly why you must see NC through. NC forces the reality of the situation on you, where constantly running back to her... for any reason enforces the fantasy that it will improve. We tend to live in the past, because that's where we draw our current moments from. So your recent past involved sharing with her, and naturally you want to share improvements with her. But here's the thing. You get to be selfish now. Now your improvements belong to you. Not to her, not me, not to anybody. I'm happy to share in you new improvements but I'm also happy to share with you that it does not come from clarity but emotional blindness. We've all been in that blindness and can lead you out, but it's up to you to follow the directions which we are giving you. NC is towards clarity and being able to see fully, and she is towards misery, pain, and more blindness.

Yah, I can tell its kind of emotional blindness... the reasoning it seems is that if I tell her these few things I've improved on that I feel helped in causing the break up.. and since she seems confused to me teetering back and forth.. that it may push her to consider a second chance.. it may not.. but its like I did my best and that's all I can do and not ever have to look back again if that makes sense.. and I know after I tell her there should be no other reason to ever contact her again and it seems I'll be free and finally kill all hope. I worry if it's a cycle though haha.. that you think of something else etc etc and hope and hope and hope. But yah, I don't want to appear weak by breaking no contact.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

yah, i can tell its kind of emotional blindness...the reasoning it seems is that if i tell her these few things i've improved on that i feel helped in causing the break up..and since she seems confused to me teetering back and forth..that it may push her to consider a second chance..it may not..but its like i did my best and that's all i can do and not ever have to look back again if that makes sense..

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You did your best and she was not good enough for it. I'll repeat that. You did your best and she was not good enough for it. You gave her your time, energy, love, and trust. She's had her chance. She failed. I'll repeat that. She failed. Not you. Her. If you gave her that and she can't accept all that you gave her, she deserves to go find someone who treats her down on her level and you deserve someone that treats you up on your level.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

and i know after i tell her there should be no other reason to ever contact her again and it seems i'll be free and finally kill all hope. I worry if its a cycle though haha..that you think of something else etc etc and hope and hope and hope. But yah, i dont want to appear weak by breaking no contact.

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You want to kill all hope so you can say you ended it. The closure you seek is either control or power over the situation. The irony is you have that now and you don't see it. You have the strength to move on and you have the strength to not talk to her. There is an emotional pull in your life and you are winning don't give in, let your emotional strength win against emotional weakness.

People bind more when they do "emotional" activities. The more adventurous the better.

Thanks chuff... that makes sense.. I presume the same advice goes for issues you feel are just giant misunderstandings that I would want to clarify?

paxe.. im not sure what your trying to get at?

Well, I haven't read all the comments but it seems you are on your way to try to gain her back. I strongly suggest you don't do that, but if you are still deciding on trying to win her back, people bond more easily when they pass though an emotional experience and the more there is adrenaline that kicks in the better. For example, if you brought her to the cinema, it would be fine, but not as bonding as if you brought her horse backriding. You see the difference between the two activities? Well it's that kind that will bring her back.

But why do you even want to go back with her? She is clearly stringing you along by answering you "she'll think about it". I've been there buddy and it will just make you hurt. Just close all communications and try to get over her. If she really wants you, she'll come begging for you but you should not think about it.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

thanks chuff...that makes sense..i presume the same advice goes for issues you feel are just giant misunderstandings that I would want to clarify?

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Our emotions can make our minds play all kind of tricks on us. Sometimes its better not to think, but to be doing. Thinking too much, gets you no closer to the truth than not thinking at all.

paxe, essentially what it seems is that she wanted to break up because we've lost our individual indentities, and ended up very dependent on each other, I think her plan was find our indentities and then get back together (this is my take on it). Some of these misunderstandings are what I feel made her contemplate the whole being too dependent and what I feel resulted in her getting scared on how serious the relationship got. I guess by clarifying certain things I feel it will reassure that some dependence on each other is not a bad thing. But as of right now it seems no contact is best haha.. I think this is what happens when your alone and some day of significance comes up haha ><

Ahha yes.. damn these mind tricks.. guess all I really needed to do was vent out and now the feeling to contact her has passed thanks goodness

And paxe, that's the problem in my mind "if she wants you, she'll come back" But that's why I feel the clarification of certain misunderstandings would help her decide that.. its like "here, have all the information in front of you and then fully decide for yourself what you want" is I guess what was going through my head.

Well again sorry to break it to you, but there is a huge difference between what she says and what she means. You are in no position to judge whether she wants to come back or not because you are too emotionally attached. It is much easier for her to move on when she knows you will be waiting. She has time to shop around. It may sound harsh but if she wanted to work things out she wouldn't have broken up with you. It's just doesn't make sense to break up with you and then go back to you once she became a bit more independent. Just don't think about it, you are doing a good job and try to let her go if you want to heal.

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Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

thanks chuff...that makes sense..i presume the same advice goes for issues you feel are just giant misunderstandings that I would want to clarify?

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Absolutely. There is no reason to clarify them. You owe her nothing. Not an apology, not an explanation. Nothing.

Jim, I'll share with you a personal story. Several years ago I was dating a girl for about a year and out of nowhere she started backing off. One night, really late (like 1:30 am or something when I had been sleeping and she knew it) she calls and tells me she is has been dating someone else for the last 5 days, which you know didn't start 5 days prior. So I start to point some obvious flaws in her character and some words are exchanged and finally I say, "tell him to enjoy my leftovers" and I then hang up on her.

So now I'm up for a few hours letting this soak in and the following day I went on and off with myself about calling her to apologize for that last line. Now mind you, she cheated on me and dumped me and I wanted to apologize to her for one line. That's absurd... and mind you we are talking about me. But in my mind I was saying, well it's over but I need to go out on a high note and I let my emotions get the best of me and I don't want to disrespect what we had. It makes me sick to even think I thought like that. But that was me, lying to myself. I never talked to that skank again and I'm glad I didn't. She wasn't good enough for me.

But if I came to you on that day as I sat there debating to myself if I should call her and asked you what to do, you could see clearly what I really wanted wasn't to apologize. I was going to try and be nice and hope that by being nice she would somehow change her mind. That is where you at. You want her to like you and you want her to see you can do better... and you can can, and you are. But that positive change is yours. Not hers. She's not worthy of it. She had her chance to voice her opinion about what she'd like to see you change and she screwed it up. She's not on you level and you don't need to be brought down.