Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants to breakup after 5 years

Girlfriend wants to breakup after 5 years

I need some clarity & advise, please.

Ive been in a long distance relationship for 5 years. Never experienced that before.

We are both successful artists, I am 10 years older. We spend most of the time together, but sometimes apart for weeks at a time. The distance has been trying, but we have made it work and the time together has been amazing and special & unique.

She is a very narcissistic person & is obsessed with fame & fortune. Is heavily into "The Secret", self-help, and is extremely career driven.

She is always flip-flopping about where she wants to be & what she wants to do, but knows she wants to be the best at her talents.

This has made it extremely difficult to make any concrete plans together, although we love each other.

She broke up with me over the phone a few days ago & says she doesn't want a relationship, wants to be single & needs time. In the same breath, she says she loves me, and I am her best friend, part of the family and wishes to remain friends. She comments on how "amazing" I am.

I have spent countless hours on the phone & otherwise supporting her with patience and love. She says "Cause thats what boyfriends do"

From what I know about her past, she has never had anyone true, mostly flings & bad relationships, in fact I was the only one that has met & spent loving times with her family.

She comes from a selfish and dysfunctional broken family. Mom became a lesbian and sister became a prostitute, drug addict during her teenage years. She went traveling around the world after that for 5 years to escape. Then became super driven.

I am really in a lot of pain & have told her that I was willing to do whatever it takes to be with her & emotionally pleaded to make things work, and that I don't want to lose her. She's says its too late needs to do this & be single. She says that in time she will be able to truly explain why she's doing this. She even tries to give me advise in healing, while saying she wishes the she could take all of my pain.

I feel now, I am out of site, out of mind & devastated as I have been so loving and supported and have been instrumental in where she is. She has also reinforced her love right to the very last week.

Now I can't sleep or eat. I feel like I just don't know what hit me or will ever get any answers.

Thanks for listening.

What a really sad situation to be in. For sure, reading the stickies at the beginning of this forum, will give you some insight on how to start the healing process, and learn to be patient with yourself, as it will take quite a while, and some hard work on your part, to even get started.

There is a link in my signature to help you find them. It won't be easy, but we can answer questions, and let you vent and rant, and provide some support for you doing this terrible time.

We have all been in your shoes at one time or another. Some of us quite a few times so we understand, and your not alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

She is a very narcissistic person & is obsessed with fame & fortune. Is heavily into "The Secret", self-help, and is extremely career driven.

Obsession with fame and fortune is usually because of a lack of love in the home as you described. Someone feels the need to get it elsewhere but also at a distance, so they can turn it off and on without really committing to it. Ironically enough that’s what long distance relationships are kind of like. You can have someone there but not always be there for the downs, just the ups.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

She is always flip-flopping about where she wants to be & what she wants to do, but knows she wants to be the best at her talents.

In other words she has no idea what she wants. She may want to be the best on the job, and perhaps even in a relationship, but she has no idea how to do that. So for her the best is a relationship at a distance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

This has made it extremely difficult to make any concrete plans together, although we love each other.

You love her. You can never speak for someone else.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

She broke up with me over the phone a few days ago & says she doesnt want a relationship, wants to be single & needs time.

She is lying. She has had 5 years, she doesn’t need time to figure it out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

In the same breath, she says she loves me, and I am her best friend, part of the family and wishes to remain friends. She comments on how "amazing" I am.

She’s telling the truth. You are amazing. You’ve put up with inconsistent behavior from someone who isn’t always around for 5 years. You have done more than most men would do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

I have spent countless hours on the phone & otherwise supporting her with patience and love. She says "Cause thats what boyfriends do"

And girlfriends who truly love and understand love appreciate, recognize, honor, and are truthful repay that back with the same. Your ex is not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

From what I know about her past, she has never had anyone true, mostly flings & bad relationships, in fact I was the only one that has met & spent loving times with her family.

I don’t know, I’m just asking but did she just have flings and bad relationships in the past or did she just have one long fling and bad relationship with you. The reason I say that is, again a long distance relationship is kind of like a fling with the same person over and over again. Was this really a healthy relationship? It doesn’t sound like it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

She comes from a selfish and dysfunctional broken family. Mom became a lesbian and sister became a prostitute, drug addict during her teenage years. She went traveling around the world after that for 5 years to escape.

I don’t think she ever escaped. You can’t go looking around the world for a solution to a problem that inside of you. Many people think the solution to all their problems are “out there” and go looking for the answers but never seek them. All your problems are solved from within, and you don’t need to travel the world to do it.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Then became super driven.

There’s nothing wrong with being driven, but I wonder if that drive was not for success but rather a distraction to all her problems.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

I am really in a lot of pain & have told her that I was willing to do whatever it takes to be with her & emotionally pleaded to make things work, and that I dont want to lose her.

This was a mistake. You never beg a woman after she dumps you, because then she knows she can take as long as she wants and you’ll still be there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Shes says its too late needs to do this & be single. She says that in time she will be able to truly explain why she's doing this.

What nonsense. She says she wants to be single, yet will tell you later why she’s doing this. More inconsistent behavior. After someone invests 5 years they deserve the truth and they shouldn’t have to wait for it. But the truth is, this behavior is the same as it’s always been.

From the usual woman perspective it’s also a way to keep you holding on to hope. You pleaded with her, so she’s in no hurry to return and this game gets her some attention and gives you false hope.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

She even tries to give me advise in healing, while saying she wishes the she could take all of my pain.

I wish she could to. But that really doesn’t matter at this point because she’s the cause of it. So it’s in your best interest to get rid of the cause.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

I feel now, I am out of site, out of mind & devastated as I have been so loving and supported and have been instrumental in where she is. She has also reinforced her love right to the very last week.

Women let themselves out of the relationship emotionally before they dump a guy. That is exactly what she did here. Furthermore, I’m not sure she was ever as committed as you were. To me this reads like she had you at a distance but was never able to commit fully to the relationship anyway, because she can’t fully commit to herself that she is able to actually love someone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Now I can't sleep or eat. I feel like I just dont know what hit me or will ever get any answers.

So you’re going to lose some weight for a couple days. Good for you. I’m not trying to make light of your situation, but I want you to see there is positive in every situation. Focus on those positives. From small positives come bigger ones. As for lack of sleep, don’t force it. Get out of bed and take a walk. Get a gym membership and completely push yourself so you’ll be tired.

This is a temporary feeling and it will pass but you can move it along faster by taking positive actions for yourself.

As Tal says, you need time to recover. The more deeply you let go, he faster and more complete the recovery. Get to a gym. Modify your approach to your art. Take some classes. This is tough, but everyone gets through it somehow, and some people actually learn great things because of moments like yours right now.

The person you describe has a relationship disorder. She is looking for magic to solve all her problems, and since she won't find it, will always be disappointed, restless, and unable to just be with her mate. You are built differently. You need to couple with someone who can have the kind of relationship that will fulfill you.

Let go of her, and let go of any idea about having made her successful, or having invested so much in the relationship. You have already taken the loss. She is unable at this time to be grateful for what you have done for her. "Unable" means that no matter what you do, she is still stuck with her life view, and her survival strategy.

No one will deny you the realization that this sucks. But you own your internal processes. Work it out in the best ways you know, and work on taking strides in your new life.
Tao

Thanks for the insight.
I guess that I am worried that someone is better for her & don't want to give her the opportunity to find out. That's destroying me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks for the insight.
I guess that I am worried that someone is better for her

To be honest, the person better for her is herself. She has no idea who she is.

But what about you. Why worry about her, you deserve better then she gives you and now you get a chance to find that person.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

dont want to give her the opportunity to find out. Thats destroying me.

The sooner you can let her go, the sooner someone better suted can come into your life.

She says that this is the hardest thing she's ever had to do in her life. But still makes me feel like she would rather find out if there is something better.
She is anamored with successful photographers, artists and such and Im scared that she wants to play the field to be close to that.

I am tortured with the thought of someone else being in her arms or bed.
Someone that is in the same city.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

I am tortured with the thought of someone else being in her arms or bed.
Someone that is in the same city.

We all go through this. It sucks to think about them being with someone else.

I realize that. But can't help feeling like I was now just a stepping stone to get into something better. Like some sort of practice. Even when I told her how I was afraid of her having someone else, she got angry & said how that was untrue & disrespectful

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

I realize that. but can't help feeling like I was now just a stepping stone to get into something better. Like some sort of practice. Even when i told her how I was afraid of her having someone else, she got angry & said how that was untrue & disrespectful

Those feeling will pass in time. It happens to all of us. And I'm going through them right now. And I've been through them before. It just takes time. With time you will care less and less about it. You will not worry so much about her being with someone else. You'll just remember the good times you had with her. It sucks big time there's no doubt about it. But there's only one way through. And that's simply through it.

Lonelyandbroken, for some reason your new posts aren't showing unless they are repeats

You are really in love. But you must have to be strong and to start been in charge of your emotions and life.
It's very painful, is true, but in order to get what you want you must have to make her FREE give her the SPACE she needs to experience other people in order to validate your relationship. THIS IS KEY, Sometimes woman don't want a man that are "to much into them". Let her totally free, it is the only way she may come back to you. Go outside and visit places, friends and family. You may be missing something wonderful that life has for you. Thake care and be strong.

Thanks, I am in love and have a hard time just turning that switch off as easliy as she is appearing to do. She is traveling to attend a family event that I too was supposed to attend & was looking forward to seeing her there as planned. Makes me feel like crap. Her Birthday is Monday & said she would call me then when she returned. Not sure what more I can say to her. My knee jerk is to give love, but don't want to seem vengeful by not. Im not that way. Feels terrible. All I can think of is that she is getting consoled and supported by her family that this the right thing for her.

Thanks lonelyandbroken, Im sorry that you have to feel similar pain. Appreciate the thoughts.

Ok, I think you should make her think about you and to miss you. Specially in "special times" Give her the "present of freedom". BE STRONG.
This has nothing to do about you giving love. I think you already gave SO MUCH love. Remember you also have to love yourself

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks lonelyandbroken, Im sorry that you have to feel similar pain. appreciate the thoughts.

Yeah it sucks. But I've been there before. Just take it a day at a time. Try to pick up a new hobby.(I'm trying to learn guitar). And I concentrate on my family. I try not to think about things that upset me. I cut off contact.(had one slight slip up). And have just been trying to avoid the drama. She's making her own choices in life. And I have to do what is best for me. I can't force anyone to be with me and even if I could it would be fake anyway. I'm just going day by day.

Thanks, I guess Im just not there yet. Feel paralized and so unsure. Difficult to focus on anything else. Work, chores, etc..

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks, I guess Im just not there yet. Feel paralized and so unsure. difficult to focus on anything else. Work, chores, etc..

This is normal trust me. I know how this feels all to well. It feels like something has been ripped from you. That nothing seems worth it. And your mind bounces from thought to thought and you get nothing done. It takes time. But try to do stuff to keep your mind off it. Just try to do some new things. Some things that you enjoy. You'll make it we all will.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonelyandbroken

Yeah it sucks. But i've been there before. Just take it a day at a time. Try to pick up a new hobby.(I'm trying to learn guitar). And i concentrate on my family. I try not to think about things that upset me. I cut off contact.(had one slight slip up). And have just been trying to avoid the drama. She's making her own choices in life. And i have to do what is best for me. I can't force anyone to be with me and even if i could it would be fake anyway. I'm just going day by day.

I think you make a point. You can not force a woman to stay with you. I think you are doing geat great! I'm glad you choose to love yourself, so you learned the lesson and next time things are going to be much better for you.

The NC thing is so foreign to me with her. Especially given the distance thing. We, when away from each other speak 20 times a day on the phone.
It makes me feel like I'm not trying to save this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

The NC thing is so foreign to me with her. Especially given the distance thing. We, when away from each other speak 20 times a day on the phone.
It makes me feel like im not trying to save this.

Yes it is not easy just cutting contact with someone that has been with you for so much. It truly sucks. But NC is for you. To help you clear your head and figure yourself out. You must worry about yourself. To get in touch with your inner self. To find out who you are once again. To start to make yourself happy.

She has to make her own choices. Take care of yourself. If she wants to be with you then she will. You can't force anything. Sometimes the best thing to do is simply purge yourself of the drama.

Here's something I thought about last night. Some people wanted me to go hang out at a bar last night. But I wouldn't because my ex's sister is usually there and sometimes the ex. The people that wanted me to come is like aww don't let them win. Blah blah. Come on show up and you can win. Well to me it's not about a game. And the only way to truly win is to not give in and play.

My point is getting out of the drama is the only way to find yourself again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

The NC thing is so foreign to me with her. Especially given the distance thing. We, when away from each other speak 20 times a day on the phone.
It makes me feel like im not trying to save this.

You already tried very hard to save the relationship. Let her MISS YOU AND THINK ABOUT YOU. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks guys, I appreciate all of that. Just want some kind of real answers out her mouth at least. Its only been a few days & pretty devasated and can't seem to take my mind off all of this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks guys, I appreciate all of that. Just want some kind of real answers out her mouth at least. Its only been a few days & pretty devasated and can't seem to take my mind off of all of this.

You may never get the answers you seek. Be prepared for that. You shouldn't spend so much time trying to figure out why how or what she is thinking( I know easier said than done). You just have to accept what has happened and go from there.

Thank you, gives me a lot to soak in. One thing I was wondering and maybe can get some insight is. Being long distance, we traveled quite a lot to see other. She seems to feel and let me know that she sacrificed more. Money, time, etc.. But always wrapped her trips around a project to either compensate or benefit her portfolio in some way. I certainly don't blame her for that. She let me know every time for her expenses and sacrifice and maybe she was losing other gigs because of this. I too traveled quite a bit, but had clients here and elsewhere. I always traveled to see her on my own dime & volition. I even left a full-time gig partly to be there for her. Really hard to understand this.

Somewhere in this painful experience, you might find yourself asking, "Whatam I doing?" Not that you are doing anything that the rest of us haven't done, or that there's anything wrong with what you are doing. Just asking yourself "What, specifically, am I doing?" in a genuinely curious voice.

If this happens, you might stop and look. Your awareness of how you suffer through this loss might somehow make available to you the choice to stop suffering. You'll be done and will simply move on.

Tao

Thanks, maybe Ive been blind and felt a lot of pressure to not lose the person I am in love with. She was moving just as things were getting serious. Believe me I wanted to & jumped out of my skin at times because of this and flew out to see her in moments notice.

I feel like she is telling everyone that it was too hard being in a long-distance relationship to justify to herself and everyone else her dumping me, yet I too know how hard its is. Believe me.

Taopir, that post never came through. Mot sure why I am experiencing this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

I feel like she is telling everyone that it was too hard being in a long-distance relationship to justify to herself and everyone else her dumping me, yet i too know how hard its is. believe me.

Of course she is. It is a great excuse for her and makes her look like the good guy.

I know chuff, & thanks for the first post. I will be reading that for a while.

I understand you may have questions as to why its happening the way it is, but just trust me, you won't understand the answers at this time, and only will have more questions.

Until the emotional dust settles, the brain is on vacation, and just doesn't work very well at this time. It will later though, later rather than sooner.

Thanks Tal, Its hard to assimilate and reduce things right now. I guess the why is beyond my comprehension.

I thank everyone today. You are all so insightful & I'm sorry that this comes from some or all of you from being hurt yourselves. Thanks for that, I truly appreciate this. Im sure I will be asking more from everyone in times of weakness. Please let me know if you have any other insights in the meantime or think of something else. This has been overwhelming. I will let you know how Im doing. I respect all of this, thanks. Never joined one of these before. Im in tears.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

I thank everyone today. You are all so insightful & im sorry that this comes from some or all of you from being hurt yourselves.

I can't speak for everybody else, but you know as strange as this sounds you don't need to be sorry for the pain I've felt with women because as I look back each time I've gone through what you are right now, I've got stronger, wiser, and better because of it. You will too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks for that, I truly appreciate this. Im sure I will be asking more from everyone in times of weakness.

Weakness is doing nothing about it. You have taken the first steps to your emotional freedom, which is not weak. Ignoring the consistent advice and continuing to talk to her is weakness so please do not be that guy. You will be so proud you did once the emotions die down.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Please let me know if you have any other insights in the meantime or think of something else. This has been overwhelming. I will let you know how Im doing. I respect all of this, thanks.

Read the sticky's on the main page.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Never joined one of these before.

You know it's interesting you say that. I came here about 3 years ago because I was having a problem with a female at work and as a result of that female, and what I learned here, she actually, unintentionally drove me and helped me into the arms of another woman who I went out with for about a year. I literally changed my behaviors from what I learned on this site and ironically it ended because it became a long distance relationship and wasn't going to work that way. My point is, you don't know where the advice here can take you but the key is you have to apply it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Im in tears.

So cry away. Don't hold it in, and do not hold on to it. If you break NC do not tell her you are crying over her. That will let her know again she can do what she wants and you'll let her. You are done giving her those ideas.

My X was narsacistic as well. I think you would honestly be for the better to let it go and focus on you. My X would always have this insane drive to be the BEST, but she also would flip flop around and change her mind on plans, New York, no LA, no live here and open a academy, no go back to college and get a doctorate. Always driven to do something great, but her father was killed in a car accident and her mother was a Witch with a broom and never really gave her the satisfaction she needed as a woman to be proud of what she did, so in turn she would just constantly seek approval from other men, or other people. Needed people to ackgnowledge her greatness and make her feel important. When I did it, it didn't mean anything because I was her BF and I am suppose to make her feel like that. She needed validation from 3rd party sources.

You don't need someone like that. And having a broken family home, messed up values, and all sorts of crazyness in her past is not going to make life easy on her. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you see that there are greener pastures waiting for you on the other side of this relationship.

Thank you. Sounds exactly like her. I guess I feel so jealous that she seeks this. Its only been a week & Im pretty rocked. I haven't spoken to her in 4 days & she said she would call me tomorrow (her Birthday of all things) I probably won't answer if she even has the courage to do so. Im so worried about the NC thing, feeling like she will think "oh, he is angry & hates me now" & go upon her business feeling like "gee, that was easy" as I am ready to jump off a bridge. Maybe you can tell me if you can what your ex said to you. I never got a real reason & sure to mine's friends & family is "the long-distance thing got to be too hard"...

Vanheart,

Hi! I just read your post that you want answers from her. I'm sure that would help but be prepared that you might never get them. I have been in your shoes a few times and it does suck. All you can do is think about them and miss them and that's normal.

But you are putting yourself, your needs, your feelings behind hers and she's not willing to do the same. You were in a 5 year relationship and she can't give you straight answers?

I was with someone who was very narcistic and boy did I get pulled in all directions. It was a "come here, but go away" relationship and it took me forever and ever to get over the pain.

I never got answers and who knows if the ones he would have given me would have been honest. Narcisits tend to lie and misrepresent themselves. They feed off people and whe they want more, they feed off someone else.

This has NOTHING to do with you, but everything to do with herself. I'm sure there is more to these things going on than meets the eye, but it doesn't sound as though she gave as much as she took.

I know how the long distance relationships are, and they are one of the hardest things to go through, but when you love someone you make it work. Sounds like you do the bulk of the work.

What you are going through evily sucks. I know, I've been there. But it does get better, it really does. This is the time for YOU. Please do not feel as though you were not enough. You were, but she wasn't.

After a bit your appetite will return, you will sleep more and after time you will start to feel better. Your needs need to be primary. You have told her how you feel and what you want and if she isn't willing to give that back or after 5 years of being with you, not tell you WHY she can't give that back, then something is wrong with HER.

You sound very loving. That is a positive, remember that... although right now it doesn't feel like that. Sadly you are learning some things about yourself in a rough way.

You will change, life will change, and the pain will change. FOCUS on you. You have friends, you have talent, you have emotions and feelings that you are in tune with... that's not always common.

It doesn't sound like she is willing or unable to give you the answers you need for closure. That could be to keep you holding on or it could be that she really doesn't know. Look up some information on narcisism and you will be surprised by some things.

There are also some amazing boards out there for support. The one thing I learned is that with narcisim, you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. They pull away only to pull you back in. They have grandiose visionss of themselves importance.

It's not you, it's the disorder. YOU are strong!

Thanks, as I mentioned we had constant talks about our future, what city, etc.. & never could come to some outcome because of her constant indecision about everything, but in the same right put the pressure on me to come up with the masterplan without sacrificing her career. What kills me is that she now says "Ive tried, & tried to get a plan out of you but you couldn't, etc.. So she is left making me feel like it was going nowhere. Very confusing.