Threads merged

Hey everyone, this might be long, but its also very complicated, and it is one of the most important things that has happened in my life thus far.

I've been in 4 previous relationships, but the one that just ended was definitely the hardest. We are both 20 and just ended our Junior year of college. We had been good friends all through freshman year, and then started dating the summer before sophomore year. Everything was great for a year, we truly loved and cared for each other, and then I went to Prague for a 4 month study abroad program. We both waited for each other for those 4 months. When I got back we were still so in love with each other. I've heard from her friends that she was always counting down the days until I got back, and cried a lot.

She had also gotten into a term abroad for Germany for this Spring but did not go, and I know that her feeling she would miss me too much was part of the reason. I'm not sure why, but I got really stressed in the winter and had the most schoolwork I've ever had. Somedays we would only see each other when we slept over at each others rooms. I didn't really mean to but I ignored her more than I should have because I was juggling so much stuff. I did stupid things like invite her over my room, and then play videogames with my friends. I only did this like 4 times. It kept piling up however. She told me that she was getting frustrated that I wasn't making enough time for her. In the early spring I went to see her crew race and saw her race, but then left before she got back off the water. She was really offended that I didn't stay the whole time.

Finally the thing that put it over the edge was one weekend night where I drank too much alcohol and got blacked out. I acted very mean, and embarrassed her in front of all her friends. When she asked me to go back to my room and sleep alone I got offended and was banging on her window asking me to let me in. Now my intent wasn't to harm her, I just wanted her to let me in. I ended up banging so hard in my drunk state and breaking her window. After this I left, and the next day she told me we were done. This all happened a little over a month ago. More details about what's happened since then are in the next post if you care to read. Sorry for the length, but this whole thing is very complicated.

So we hung out the next two days after the breakup and she told me she loved me still but wanted me to learn what I had did to her. We said we didn't want to hook up with other people. Anyway, the first week after the I miss yous were going back and forth, after a week though she asked for space, so I gave it to her. Three weeks after the break I had heard that she had been seeing some other guy. I convinced her to talk to me and confronted her about it. She came clean and said they had hooked up, and that she was taking him to her formal. I was devastated and we both told each other that we should move on, and see other people. THe odd thing was she kept saying things I can't forgive you "yet", or "for now". Things of that nature. She also said if I came to her house in the summer that her parents wouldn't treat me any different. I then asked for my clothes back from her room. She said OK but didn't go get them initially. I had to ask her 3 more times until she finally drove the car we were talking in to her room and gave me my clothes. It ended with us hugging and her crying saying she didn't mean to hook up with him.

2 days later she was in my dorm and we made eye contact and then I went the other way. She sent me a text saying I thought we weren't going to be akward. So I went and said hi, and then she started crying. So we went to my room and she was crying her eyes out, she then said she loved me, and we hugged for awhile. I then said that maybe we should just hang out as friends once in awhile to maybe reconcile things. She said OK and to call her that week. So I called her and she ignored me twice on 2 different days. At that point I said it. I had my formal that weekend and took a different girl, and we ended up hooking up after it.

On the Monday after the formal, I got a text saying, "I'm sorry that I've been such a b1tch lately, and you don't deserve it." Later on that night she asked who I took to formal, I responded. And then she asked if we hooked up, and I told her yes we did. We then went and got ice cream that Thursday. We talked casually for awhile but then the break up came up again. I told her once again how sorry I was for how I had acted, she said I know, but you need to realize what you've lost. She then said " I love you, and will always love you, but you really hurt me, and I want you to realize that." We ended up hugging and holding hands.

Finally to where we are this week, she sent me a text yesterday out of the blue. She told me she was watching some show about housewives from New Jersey, which is where I'm from. I responded with a haha response and asked how her day was, and she then asked how mine was. Today we chatted on AIM, and I asked her if she wanted to get lunch or dinner tomorrow. She said "possibly dinner tomorrow, I have a big test on friday and my sister is visiting on thursday." She then said she'd be free after 5. So I said OK I'll see you tomorrow and have a good night. SHe said thanks you too.

Phew I'm sorry that was so long, but I really wanted you guys to get the entire story. I need the best advice I've ever needed in my life. I still love her, and I was the one who pushed her away. I've realized now how much she meant to me, and I'm appalled to what I did. Does she still want me and is just punishing me, or is she stringing me along. We leave school in 2 weeks and we live 4 hours apart. Maybe the summer will help things? What should I do. Thanks.

My personal opinion:

Took me a while to read the story but I guess it helps me to give a more accurate answer.

Sounds like both of you have sacrificed a lot for each other. Sounds romantic, but at the same time when that happens usually the relationship ends up with lots of expectations and in the end one gives up or feels tired. Been there myself.

To answer your question.
Does she still want you? No one knows but her but I know I wouldn't play any of her games. She has to make a decision. Yes or no and stop fluctuating.

If she can't forgive you, its not going to work. She will need to forgive you first to even make it possible for this relationship to work. As for the other guy, don't think too much about it, he is clearly a rebound. I think she is stringing you along and being selfish until she knows for sure what she wants.

I would just like to point out that in the past 2 weeks the mind games have seemed to stop. Now she won't ever ignore me, and even contacts me. She also hasn't ditched out when I asked to hang out with her in the past 2 weeks. Just thought I'd add that in, but I do realize that she could go right back to the mind games.

Well you said, she loves you but she can't forgive you, she hangs out with you talks to you casually, hang out as friends but end up hugging and holding hands. Which one is it? Friends or lovers? Sounds like mind games to me. Sounds like she's leading you on.

She's a pro dude. I knew she was dating someone else before you said it. Your behavior didn't help, but at the same time it's her way of trying to control you. Now, she have every right not have have her window broken by a drunk. But at the same time it's a great excuse for her to dump you while she dates the other guy. The reason you didn't get your stuff back right away was because she wasn't sure about the other guy. He was new and unpredictable. You were always going to be there. I think you should go back to ignoring her because she's just going to play this cycle over and over until you quit playing it with her.

I understand that she has to forgive me for this to work. Its just really hard when there are girls telling her to punish me in the background. A lot of these girls are her sorority sisters who don't know me much at all. They saw the drunk night and think I'm a crazy person. For the first 3 weeks it seemed like she was really listening to all the things they said. I know this for a fact from a mutual friend. However as of late she seems to be thinking things through by herself. The only reason I say this is because her best friend, is one of my best friends as well. And her best friend told me that she believes in the end that she will forgive me, and want to get back with me.

Did someone say something about repeating cycles?

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Originally Posted by chuff

I think you should go back to ignoring her because she's just going to play this cycle over and over until you quit playing it with her.

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Oh, that was me.

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Originally Posted by chuff

She's a pro dude. I knew she was dating someone else before you said it. Your behavior didn't help, but at the same time it's her way of trying to control you. Now, she have every right not have have her window broken by a drunk. But at the same time it's a great excuse for her to dump you while she dates the other guy. The reason you didn't get your stuff back right away was because she wasn't sure about the other guy. He was new and unpredictable. You were always going to be there. I think you should go back to ignoring her because she's just going to play this cycle over and over until you quit playing it with her.

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Well we go to a really small school, and everyday up to the breakup she was always sleeping at my place, and I pretty much knew what she was doing at all times. If they had hung out before our break, I would have heard about it from someone, because everything spreads like rapidfire at a small school. However I guess you could be right in that maybe she had already been talking to him during the ends of our relationship. The only alternative to this is that her friends encouraged her to date someone else after our breakup. I do know for a fact that the first time they hung out was 2 weeks after the break. Its nice when you have inside sources.

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Originally Posted by chuff

Did someone say something about repeating cycles?




Oh, that was me.

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Lol Chuff, I mentioned yes and no fluctuating? Does that count?

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Originally Posted by master88

Well we go to a really small school, and everyday up to the breakup she was always sleeping at my place, and i pretty much knew what she was doing at all times. If they had hung out before our break, I would have heard about it from someone, because everything spreads like rapidfire at a small school. However I guess you could be right in that maybe she had already been talking to him during the ends of our relationship. The only alternative to this is that her friends encouraged her to date someone else after our breakup. I do know for a fact that the first time they hung out was 2 weeks after the break. Its nice when you have inside sources.

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The "friends" always get involved. She would always say they are just friends and they want what's best for her and you have selfish motives that's why they listen to their friends. That type of girl, isn't in love with you.

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Originally Posted by none12345

lol Chuff, i mentioned yes and no fluctuating? does that count?

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Great point. Two people have noticed the cycles repeating.

One person can stop the cycle. Do you know who it is. I'll give you a hint. He is the master of his domain.

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Originally Posted by master88

The only alternative to this is that her friends encouraged her to date someone else after our breakup. I do know for a fact that the first time they hung out was 2 weeks after the break. Its nice when you have inside sources.

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Inside sources? Dude you dealing with a bunch of women. Women love the drama and they really love it when it involves sex, guys, and other guys. You are going to hear whatever stirs up the most drama so they can sit back and watch a live soap opera.

Thanks for the responses thus far, keep them coming, it would help.

How long are you going to continue the games to be played? You are only delaying the inevitable with this break up. She ended it, she won't forgive you, she keeps you on a leash so if nothing comes around, you're there. Congratulations

Things have changed so much, and you have not. I can see why she dumped you, but can't for the life of me see you getting back together soon.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Things have changed so much, and you have not. I can see why she dumped you, but can't for the life of me see you getting back together soon.

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Not really sure how you say I haven't changed. I've lost weight since the relationship and become even more active than ever. People have really started to comment on how good I've been looking. I've been playing the singles game with girls and yes it is fun, but I still feel a void in my life. I haven't gotten wasted like that night ever since, and her friends have even told me that it looks like I've changed. Her friends who were initially ignored me after the break have all actually started to talk to me. I've started to accept the fact that we may not ever be back again. However, since it was me who pushed her away, if she gives me a second chance, I think ill take it. I guess in the mean time I will just hang out with other people, if I find another person I like then so be it. If I'm still single and she wants to give it another shot later on, then I'll probably do that. I've realized I'm mostly a good guy, I can't be perfect. But if she can't stop listening to her friends and she that, then she isn't the right one for me.

Okay, not many relationships end because of looks. So continue losing weight and being more active, but that won't make her come back any quicker. You have an anger problem and need to seek counseling for that. I've gone out with my fiancé, gotten completely wrecked and still treated her with respect and kindness. Drinking is no excuse for a temper

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Okay, not many relationships end because of looks. So continue losing weight and being more active, but that won't make her come back any quicker. You have an anger problem and need to seek counseling for that. I've gone out with my fiance, gotten completely wrecked and still treated her with respect and kindness. Drinking is no excuse for a temper

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Thanks for the advice, I'm not an angry guy ever unless I get blacked out. Either way there's a problem somewhere. It might be a drinking problem. As I stated before I've stopped drinking like that. Being in a fraternity is no excuse for binge drinking of that level. The night where I got angry was a night where we were playing some dumb drinking games where the alcohol all hit me way too fast before I could react. Its not an excuse though. Lately I've had maybe 4 beers tops in a night. I actually find it more fun. As long as I don't let myself get to the blackout state, there is no problem with the way I act.

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Originally Posted by master88

Thanks for the advice, I'm not an angry guy ever unless I get blacked out. Either way theres a problem somewhere. It might be a drinking problem. As I stated before I've stopped drinking like that. Being in a fraternity is no excuse for binge drinking of that level. The night where I got angry was a night where we were playing some dumb drinking games where the alcohol all hit me way too fast before I could react. Its not an excuse though. Lately I've had maybe 4 beers tops in a night. I actually find it more fun. As long as I don't let myself get to the blackout state, there is no problem with the way I act.

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Sounds to me like you've been selfish and taken her for granted and then the drinking thing pushed you both over the edge. She's sick of it and hurt, and wants you to suffer for a bit. I'm sure she talked to her friends about what was happening with you both and women tend to protect their friends when guys behave like this.

I'd back off and let her feel like she's punished you and you can behave like you've learnt your lesson. It's a silly game, but sometimes we humans react like this.

I reckon you might have another shot at it if you play your cards right. Take the cues from her and don't be too subservient in it.

But learn the lesson will you? Try not to be an a-hole in the future.

Ok so we ate dinner last now, we are on speaking terms again, and we were having fun. Any suggestions on how to keep it rolling good? I don't want to screw this up.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Things have changed so much, and you have not. I can see why she dumped you, but can't for the life of me see you getting back together soon.

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I agree here so if you're plan is to get back with her, I don't think it will work. Actually you didn't take our advice to let go and move on. That was our advice, not to help you get back with your ex because that will just lead us to giving you bad advice and steering you to the wrong direction and you ll just end up getting hurt even more.

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Originally Posted by master88

Ok so we ate dinner last now, we are on speaking terms again, and we were having fun. Any suggestions on how to keep it rolling good? I don't want to screw this up.

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This reminds me of a post I saw here before.

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Originally Posted by chuff

she's just going to play this cycle over and over until you quit playing it with her.

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And so the cycle begins again.

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Originally Posted by master88

Ok so we ate dinner last now, we are on speaking terms again, and we were having fun. Any suggestions on how to keep it rolling good? I don't want to screw this up.

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You're playing a game, it's called "How long until it all goes in the $hitter again".

I'm going to place a bet; 2 weeks, 1 month tops.

You can't keep it rolling because it never was. You're trying to push a square wheel up Mount Everest.

Write back when you break up again. We'll be here.

Yup thanks for the advice, I'm done. I'm tired of playing these games. Time to move on.

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Originally Posted by master88

Yup thanks for the advice, I'm done. I'm tired of playing these games. Time to move on.

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That's what you said last time. Are you really ready to move on and be happy?

I go home in a week, we live 4 hours apart. I have a pretty nice internship in NYC. All of these things will hopefully help me get past all this.

I talked with a good female friend today. She convinced me to talk to her and basically lay it on the line. Tell her that I'm tired of being tugged along. If she wants to be together we are. If not, then we need to part ways. I realized she may respond with a give me more time response. We talked and said that the best counter to this would be, "ok then I guess we are done, I've given you six weeks, but I can't be played like this forever." I hope this is the right thing to do. Hopefully I'll get a true answer from this all.

Yesterday 12:47 pm

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Originally Posted by master88

Yup thanks for the advice, I'm done. I'm tired of playing these games. Time to move on.

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Today 4:09 am

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Originally Posted by master88

I talked with a good female friend today. She convinced me to talk to her and basically lay it on the line.

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And the cycle begins again.

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Originally Posted by master88

Tell her that I'm tired of being tugged along. If she wants to be together we are. If not, then we need to part ways.

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No offense against your friend, because I don't doubt for one second she has your best interest in mind, but how exactly would this work? She's been tugging you along for a month and half and she's a woman so she understand emotions better then you so she knows this day is coming and already has a prepared answer. She's controlling you through words and you should be controlling her and this situation through actions. Constantly breaking NC and asking or demanding another chance makes you look more and more pathetic and weak every time you do it. It's kind os a joke to her at this point. She's just toying with you, so for you to go in and say now "give me one more chance or we are done....this time I mean it..... seriously..... this time I'm not going to change my mind....... no I really mean it ....... it's over if you don't come back with me" is not really going to work. In fact, it's going to blow up in face again and your going to wonder later what you were thinking.

OR you can just save yourself the humiliation and start to heal and not look weak and pathetic to somebody who thinks you are weak and pathetic.

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Originally Posted by master88

I realized she may respond with a give me more time response.

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My guess it is going to be, "If you loved me you'd give me the time I require, and this does not give me high hopes if this is how you are going to treat me, maybe you should think about it for awhile and get back to me when you are ready." Yeah, she's going to turn it around on you.

I'd be curious to hear what the other posters are going to say she says, and then find out what she really does say. Hey, if you are going to bring this upon yourself, we all might as well learn something from it.

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Originally Posted by master88

We talked and said that the best counter to this would be, "ok then I guess we are done, I've given you six weeks, but I can't be played like this forever."

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Let me get this straight, you should be ignoring her, but instead you are going to do what you always do and break your own cycle and then tell her she can't do what she is doing in the exact moment you are trying to stop her from doing it. On top of that, she's supposed to respect you for this? She's supposed to love you for this? Again, how will this work?

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Originally Posted by master88

I hope this is the right thing to do.

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It's not.

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Originally Posted by master88

Hopefully I'll get a true answer from this all.

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Seriously? How can you write that? She's screwed with your head for six weeks, don't you think that's an answer?


After having said all that above, I'm going to shock you and every other poster here. I want you to do exactly what your friend said to do. On one condition. Whatever happens, I want you to come back here and be 100% honest and post exactly what was said, and what the results were. No lying, no exaggerating. Just the facts.

Oh, don't get wrong she's going to serve your butt to you on a silver platter. But you clearly didn't like the answers you got here so you searched and search until you found the one person who told you what you wanted to hear. If you read through what your friend said, what you got from it was this message, "I get one more chance to talk to her." So if you are that desperate to look that weak to someone who strings you along then you know what, We are tired of trying to carry your balls for you. Drag them back here after she stomps on them and let us know how it went.

And the cycle begins again.

It's like a merry go round, it keeps going around and around.

Hopefully you will learn, also your friend. Is a moron. Not once have I seen where a person went a proclaimed their love, and then gave an ultimatum, work out the way they want it to.

It usually results in a restraining order

Threads merged and edited

So today's the last day of classes, I called her yesterday and we agreed to meet in the afternoon. So I called her today at 2, no response. Called her at 5 and she picked up saying she was at the car dealer, her car was having problems. I can verify this as true, my friend saw the truck towing her car. So I say, OK is 8 good for you. She replies, I'm not sure, I'll call you. I've heard the I'll call you before and not actually get a call. I know I should've just ignored her the entire break. It would be a lot easier if she actually was mean to me during the relationship, but this was not the case. I screwed it up so I have a huge sense of loss. I'm really starting to get fed up with this cycle though. I go home for the summer tomorrow and we live 4 hours apart. If she doesn't say goodbye to me in person, I'm going to be extremely angry.

What is the best plan of action for this situation. I really do miss her but I feel like its not healthy for me with these games. My focus is going to be on meeting a lot of girls this summer, hopefully it will be easier than ever now that my 21st birthday is in 4 days. It might make me realize there are better girls out there, or that I had it good and I blew it. Should I just ignore her the entire summer, if I want her to want me back. Also what should I do if she calls to wish me a happy birthday, should I answer and say thanks, sorry I got to run. Or should I just let the voicemail get it.

You already said your sick of these games so why keep playing them with one another? What are you expecting to happen here? Neither one of you have learned your lessons and it doesn't seems like the two of you are given this relationship another as agreed upon.

Update, We spoke tonight and I finally said what I should have all along. I said "I'm sorry I can't wait anymore, I'm moving on." She immediately responded in a very weird upset tone, "I hope you have fun with your new girlfriend. I just don't like you like I did before" I replied "I'm sure whoever I find will be a great match for me, because I'm a good guy with a lot to give." She then also said "I think we should be friends for awhile." I told her that that wouldn't work. She then said, "I like the old you more than anything I ever have." I responded with a "I know and thank you for breaking up with me, because it taught me a lesson and I'm back to my good old self." She then told me she was officially dating that guy. I responded "well i wish you luck." Finally she was like well "I'd still like to talk every now and then and see how your doing." I didn't respond to this, and then said "Well have a good summer, and good luck with your new boyfriend." I then walked away.

I plan on ignoring every type of text or call from her this summer, because quite frankly its her loss. I made some mistakes but I know who the real me is. She does too and seemed surprised by my sudden burst of confidence. How did I do?

You did good! Just stick to your guns by not having any forms of communication with her.

Honestly I feel so much better after doing this. I feel like I have a new lease on life.

So what do I do if she calls me. Ignore every time? Or answer and act all busy.

Stick to your guns, use the NC as a tool to get your life back together

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So what do I do if she calls me. Ignore every time? Or answer and act all busy.

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Originally Posted by master88

I plan on ignoring every type of text or call from her this summer, because quite frankly its her loss. I made some mistakes but I know who the real me is. She does too and seemed surprised by my sudden burst of confidence. How did I do?

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How about sticking to your word for a change. :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by master88

So what do i do if she calls me. Ignore everytime? Or answer and act all busy.

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Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

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Originally Posted by master88

So what do i do if she calls me. Ignore everytime? Or answer and act all busy.

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From this comment is it safe to assume you are secretly trying to get her back?

If its just a honest question, stick to NC. Its called NO CONTACT for a reason. Ignore them.