I met a girl about 2 years ago. From the instant I met her I knew she was a really nice girl and someone I would like to get to know. We started dating right away but not a whole lot.

I'm a male by the way. My history is basically that I suppose I am an attractive guy and I have had quite a few partners. I don't/didn't sleep with everyone I met but maybe a few ayear. Anyway my point is I've gotten used to some wild women and so forth.

This new girl however was pretty green/innocent.. I am her 3rd partner.

For whatever reasons at the time I was not quite ready for a commitment and I told her this. She liked me enough she said fine but she didn't want me sleeping with others. Well we continued to date though I did sleep around a little.

After 6 months or so I finally realized I really liked her and did not want her to get away so I asked her to be my girlfriend and we have been together since.

We are pretty close now. I care about her and love her very much. I think she would be a great wife and I think we would be happy together. Everyone in my family LOVES her too, and her family likes me.

It all seems perfect, but there is a problem, she just doesn't excite me.

I guess I am used to girls being "slutty" in the sack. They don't necessarily have to be "slutty" in reality but I am guessing that is what gets me going.

With my girlfriend, it is too late. She is so sweet and so innocent even if she tries to be bad it just doesn't work. Ok, she has tried. She's done a lot. It didn't work.

Now, I am in my 30s and my body is not the same anymore. I am not as easily aroused as I was and it takes a bit more to get me going. Some girls do still arouse me though, but my girlfriend doesn't, ever. We have sex perhaps once or twice a month, and I usually have to force myself or pop a viagra or more to get aroused and do it. I would not need this kind of help with many other women though. I've had a few do their best to take me home and such and let's just say I was very very aroused, though I did not oblige.

So basically this and this alone is really keeping me in a slatemate with my decisions. On the one hand I think she'd be a great wife(and she would marry me btw). On the other hand I am afraid I'll never be sexually stimulated and maybe cheat on her. Ok I pretty much know at some point I would if I never enjoyed the sex. I will always have opportunities thrown in my face and I would probably crumble eventually if I didn't enjoy my sex life at home.

As a result of a lot of this I have been thinking of leaving her, but then I spend time with her and realize I want to be together with her, but then I realize that it wouldn't work if I wasn't attracted sexually.

Any advice people?

Thanks

That's the number 1 excuse that cheaters use to justify their actions, The wife doesn't take care of my needs. Recognize it for what it is, an excuse. If you think marriage is mostly about the sex then I advise you not to get married, as there are so many other things that go on in a committed relationship. A good sex life starts with good Communication. Plain and simple. The attraction you speak of is lust and it fades with time and requires only the physical. Love is so much deeper and it grows when nurtured by both people in the relationship. You like this girl but not enough communication has gone on where you both are satisfied so there may be many things lacking not just sexual attraction.

Funny, my mother who has been married for 30 years seems to think it is an important issue. I've had several relationships and this is the first one where I've had sexual attraction issues. My past relationships, including one that almost ended up in marriage, were all sexually "healthy".

I don't think you read my post carefully. This is not about cheating. This is about a conflict I am having because I don't want to have sex with my girlfriend who I love very much.

There is a problem when someone isn't attracted to their mate. That isn't normal. When my body tells me it wants to have sex I don't want to do it with her, but I don't cheat on her..

I am asking for advice, not uninformed accusations.

Where did I say marriage is mostly about sex? I never wrote that, and I don't believe that, otherwise I would have been married years ago.

Please don't put words into my mouth either. I didn't write most of what you say and you are wrong about almost all of it.

What I would like is some advice, not a scolding.

When you met her, were you sexually attracted to her? I believe lust and love come hand in hand, in my opinion since before her you had enjoyed many women that were perceptively 'slutty' and you met this wonderful chaste girl that is the complete opposite of all the girls you used to date. Like when they say loose women are fun to date but not the type you marry...

So brings me to the point, maybe you like the idea of this girl and marrying her because she, like you said would make the perfect wife etc. Which brings you to the decision of which matters to you more. I am not at all telling you to forsake your 'manly' needs and set that need aside. Like you mentioned she does make the effort to be naughty for you in the bedroom. It seems to me you need to make the effort for her and use the things you love about her and let that turn you on. Don't expect from her things other girls use to do for you, what makes it special between the two of you is the things that you do for each other, not comparing what you have to what other partners have done previously. If that makes sense...

Yes, it makes sense. Good advice. I've never been selfish in the bedroom, but as I've gotten older I've HAD to be selfish to perform, if that makes any sense..

I guess I have never been in a relatioship where I loved someone and was not wanting to have sex with them. If someone were married, with kids, had a lot of stress, etc I can see this as normal... BUT...

It seems like it is an issue with you... not how she is. If she tried to act naughty and "bad" but you still don't want it, then it may be all in your head. I am not saying that you have a problem, but maybe seeking professional help (such as sex therapist) for yourself or as a couple can help a lot... maybe help you see other ways to view sex and try new things, and if a couple, the therapist can help you learn about yourself and as a couple in ways that you have not yet... and it might help her as well if she is interested in going with you.

I do agree with Tal that ommunication is key... not just how slutty you want someone to be, but much deeper and emotional... and wanting to have sex sometimes means pleasing your partner... but you sound like you just don't want sex... including giving her pleasure...

Sounds like it is more than just sex... not sure what it is... or if you even know... so , after listening to me type this out, I still think ptofessional help with be a great benefit! :) I have worked with some sex therapists in my field and they have dione wonders! :)

Yesnojoe- You clearly misread my post as I was only pointing out that you need to investigate your own feelings and the importance of talking more in depth with your g/f to get to the root of the problem. From what you wrote the thing that turned you on was slutty acting females and even though your g/f has tried she falls short in this area. Clearly your expectation of her to be something she isn't is an indication of a problem you need to solve, as acceptance is a basic building block in any longterm relationship. I also think when you said you had to be selfish in bed to perform, in your next post shows that maybe your whole idea of sex with your g/f is strained at best and I think it could go back to the expectations you have of her to be more like your previous females. This can be dangerous in the long run when those expectations are not met. Selfihness will turn to frustration and then to anger. Not that you want to cheat or would but the pattern is there to justify it for many men and women. Sorry if I sounded as if I was accusing you or scolding you. I was not, just trying to present my veiw point. I've been married for more than 30 years and the sexual attraction is still hot but I know its more because of the mental and spiritual closeness than from the physical needs.Some times that attraction doesn't lead to intercourse but It does bring us closer. Maybe as YeloDasy says a professional is needed. And no no blue pills here. (high blood pressure). I hope I've helped and cleared the previous post up Good Luck.

You are not the first guy who wants a nice girl to take to mama and a slut in the bedroom.

First of all, I'd like to know just how is it that you constantly get these "opportunities thrown in your face?" I don't think these opportunities just come out of nowhere, I think you create them. Certainly sex is an important part of any relationship but it's not the only part. Have you pinpointed exactly why you're not more attracted to this girl? Keep in mind that a relationship that's based purely on sex is a very fragile one and has no substance whatsoever. It sounds like your relationship with this girl is based on more than just sex and that's a good thing. I understand that a sexual attraction is important too and if this girl just doesn't "push your buttons" then you just may not be right for each other. At this point you need to weigh all your priorities and decide what is important to you and what you really want. You say that you know she'd make a good wife and that she'd marry you. To me those are very important traits and not ones to be brushed off lightly. I'm wondering if maybe you have some unhealthy or unnatural views about sex and that's may be what's causing your hangups. Maybe you should consider talking to a counselor who can help you uncover whatever issues you may have that seem to inhibit you sexually when you come into what seems to be a normal, healthy relationship with a decent, upstanding woman.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You are not the first guy who wants a nice girl to take to mama and a slut in the bedroom.

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Haha... Great topic for another post!

I don't think you should be thinking about marriage until this issue is resolved because if u do, more than likely in the near future there will be consequences.

Have you spoken to her about this?

I’m in the same boat. I’m with a guy who is amazing. He is everything I’d ever want in a husband, he would make a wonderful father, he’s understanding …. Ect. But sexually it’s just not there. I care for him, I could see myself with him down the road as I have never had such a successful relationship before, but sex is not something I look forward to with him. The sex is good but I can't connect emotionally during sex and loose interest quickly. My formally healthy sex drive has died. I’m not sure if it’s a natural result of being in a secure relationship, or whether it’s a sign that this is not the man for me.
And before anyone jumps on my back about communication that’s not a problem either, we talk about everything and he knows exactly how I feel and is waiting for me to figure out what I want, as he wants to be with me.

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Originally Posted by Eihcim

I’m in the same boat. I’m with a guy who is amazing. He is everything I’d ever want in a husband, he would make a wonderful father, he’s understanding …. Ect. But sexually it’s just not there. I care for him, I could see myself with him down the road as I have never had such a successful relationship before, but sex is not something I look forward to with him. The sex is good but I can't connect emotionally during sex and loose interest quickly. My formally healthy sex drive has died. I’m not sure if it’s a natural result of being in a secure relationship, or whether it’s a sign that this is not the man for me.
And before anyone jumps on my back about communication that’s not a problem either, we talk about everything and he knows exactly how I feel and is waiting for me to figure out what I want, as he wants to be with me.

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OK well am I to assume that you have tried various positions, various settings, moods, even broken out the candles and barry white at some stage yes?

I definitely don't lack in the imagination center. I guess my wondering is how important is it really? I know he's a lot more interested then I am, but I almost feel that I have to force myself to have sex. That if I don't its "not fair" to him.

Well I guess you'll have to think about what turns you on, and tell him about it.

The problem is... he doesn't. Not physically, not emotionaly.

Hm...
Yeah I can see your dilemma...
Does he know that? Have you told him straight that your just not attracted to him..

Yes. How important is sex though? In the past it would have been the end of the world without it. But if you get hurt bad enough it doesn't really have the importance it use to.

Well sex is only part of a relationship. It's a way to express love for each other... so its importance is up to you, could you leave things the way they are? Not having sex or forcing yourself to.. do you think he could continue if there wasn't any sexual activity?

I don't know about me. I'm still waiting to see since I don't think I'll just wake up one day and find him sexually attractive. I know he would be disapointed but I don't think he'd leave... not yet anyway. I just don't know. Guess time will tell.

Yeah.. now this is slightly off the topic but what you said reminded me of it
There is a movie "keeping mum" in which a wife loses interest in his wife and the husband in her eyes is pretty boring... and the husband has a revalation towards the end...
I guess it won't help at all, but watch it anyway haha, I believe its based on a book, so if your more into reading all the more fun for you
Good luck Eihcim

I am not an expert but I have a little experience here. I have been married 3 years and together with my wife 5 years. We are both 30 years old. I am American and she is Danish. We got together in California 9-10-01. I was homeless at the time. Since then we have climbed literal mountains together. Pun intended and included. Seen 100's of waterfalls. Traveled 40 of the 50 states together. Been to Rome, Italy. We worked and lived closely together for years. From living with no money in a tent to now living in an apartment in Copenhagen, Denmark with a substantial account and studying in college. Never getting help. We traveled for years on the road having many adventures. We never had a great sexual attraction for each other. Part of it is a skin disorder she has that makes it difficult and painful to have. We have talked openly about it, but to no avail. Neither of us like the idea of separating. We also don't like the idea of going through life with no sexual fulfillment. But life together without sex is better than our lives apart.
Personally, our attraction has not been physical, but instead mental and emotional minus the sexual. Personally, we believe these things outlast the sexual drive when it comes to being together for the long haul.
The point in this is
1. everyone's situation is unique.
2. People have to define their relationships and what is important to them for themselves.(everyone is unique)
3. If you don't have attraction for the other now then it probably won't be there later. Is that something you and your partner can live with and truly accept. IF NOT-THEN END IT NOW! It won't get easier to end later. If you are going to go through the rest of your life feeling like your missing out than it won't work. Things will only get more complicating.

I am sure many people will not agree with me on this one, but SEX is NOT necessary for a relationship. Think of the people with physical dispositions that make sex impossible. Are they doomed to solitude for life?

This is why I personally think it is best to meet that someone once. Be with that someone spiritually, physically, mentally as a whole if you know your going to marry that one. What am I saying it is too late for you, but that is why one man, and one women together are best. No previous experience, no expectations from other partners. You grow together. What would the world be like if people continued to be virgins until they are committed to spending their life together. Maybe off topic, do not really care. I agree, with tal your expectations are way too high.

Joe

Like a lot of others said. The sexual part of the relationship should develop over time. I do believe it is better to grow with each other, learn about each other, become each others best friends first and work towards other things after.

Joe

Ok The way I see it was you weren't attracted to here in the beginning if you were it wouldn't have taken you 6 months to hook up. I think that you are ready to slow down in your life and are using her as the breaks and means to do so. She prevents you from your old ways and you like that side of her you like the person you have become. The problem is that when you are physically attracted to someone and are in love with someone you are truly happy. If you question your relationship now in the future you might have more questions and that's not good. As my grandmother would say for advice follow your gut.

In case anyone noticed the original poster has not been back, and I hope the comments are directed at him, and not the seconnd poster with the same problem, Eihcim

I am the original author of this thread, and sorry folks I don't know why I never came back, but here I am now.

Thank you all for your input and suggestions.

Sadly, my situation has not changed much. In fact my attraction has diminished even more, and it certainly upsets me. I will be seeing a psychologist I once saw in the past about t soon. Maybe he can help shed some light and get me on the right path to figure things out.

To answer s_cianci's question about how sex opportunities are "thrown in my face", simply put random(and not so random) women will occasionally proposition me.. If I go to a bar or whatever with some friends it is often sure to happen, but I've had women at benign places ask me out and even ask me to take them home there on the spot. In some instances I have explored these opportunities only to resist in the end for the purpose to see if it would get me aroused, and is usually does. I guess I was hoping it wouldn't so I would conclusively realize my problem was not my girlfriend..

Anyway, nothing has really changed except 5 months have passed, but I have hopes that my upcoming meeting with the therapist will help.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

In case anyone noticed the original poster has not been back, and I hope the comments are directed at him, and not the seconnd poster with the same problem, Eihcim

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by yesnojoe

I met a girl about 2 years ago. From the instant I met her I knew she was a really nice girl and someone I would like to get to know. We started dating right away but not a whole lot.

I'm a male btw. My history is basically that I suppose I am an attractive guy and I have had quite a few partners. I don't/didn't sleep with everyone I met but maybe a few ayear. Anyway my point is I've gotten used to some wild women and so forth.

This new girl however was pretty green/innocent.. I am her 3rd partner.

For whatever reasons at the time I was not quite ready for a commitment and I told her this. She liked me enough she said fine but she didn't want me sleeping with others. Well we continued to date though I did sleep around a little.

After 6 months or so I finally realized I really liked her and did not want her to get away so I asked her to be my girlfriend and we have been together since.

We are pretty close now. I care about her and love her very much. I think she would be a great wife and I think we would be happy together. Everyone in my family LOVES her too, and her family likes me.

It all seems perfect, but there is a problem, she just doesn't excite me.

I guess I am used to girls being "slutty" in the sack. They don't necessarily have to be "slutty" in reality but I am guessing that is what gets me going.

With my girlfriend, it is too late. She is so sweet and so innocent even if she tries to be bad it just doesn't work. Ok, she has tried. She's done a lot. It didn't work.

Now, I am in my 30s and my body is not the same anymore. I am not as easily aroused as I was and it takes a bit more to get me going. Some girls do still arouse me though, but my girlfriend doesn't, ever. We have sex perhaps once or twice a month, and I usually have to force myself or pop a viagra or more to get aroused and do it. I would not need this kind of help with many other women though. I've had a few do their best to take me home and such and let's just say I was very very aroused, though I did not oblige.

So basically this and this alone is really keeping me in a slatemate with my decisions. On the one hand I think she'd be a great wife(and she would marry me btw). On the other hand I am afraid I'll never be sexually stimulated and maybe cheat on her. Ok I pretty much know at some point I would if I never enjoyed the sex. I will always have opportunities thrown in my face and I would probably crumble eventually if I didn't enjoy my sex life at home.

As a result of a lot of this I have been thinking of leaving her, but then I spend time with her and realize I want to be together with her, but then I realize that it wouldn't work if I wasn't attracted sexually.

Any advice people?

Thanks

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Hey. You sound like your describing me lol... well the old me. I was with this guy for almost 4 yrs and he really didn't get me off until towards the end and even then it was when we would use a vibe. Well to make a long story short.. our sex life in reality was boring. We eventually broke up.. I have my first night stand. That turned out to be what you described a booty call with no restrictions.. but see the diff btwn him and my ex is this guy made me feel sexy. Not just w words but by the way he looked at me touched me talked to me and etc. that alone but a fire cracker in my lol he made me feel sexy so I wanted to be sexy for him.. this made the sex outstanding. I mean the storys that I describe are straight out porno maybe better. Lol I could give you some ideas but not on here. To make a long story short is that's all it took for me to break into my freaky self. A little motivation. An eye openeer. Most girls don't feel sexy during sex or fourplay. Make her feel sexy do something different spice things up.. if you guys have a great relationship that's hard to come by but if your both open and willing you can expand and excite your sex life

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Yesnojoe- You clearly misread my post as I was only pointing out that you need to investigate your own feelings and the importance of talking more in depth with your g/f to get to the root of the problem. From what you wrote the thing that turned you on was slutty acting females and even though your g/f has tried she falls short in this area. Clearly your expectation of her to be something she isn't is an indication of a problem you need to solve, as acceptance is a basic building block in any longterm relationship. I also think when you said you had to be selfish in bed to perform, in your next post shows that maybe your whole idea of sex with your g/f is strained at best and I think it could go back to the expectations you have of her to be more like your previous females. This can be dangerous in the long run when those expectations are not met. Selfihness will turn to frustration and then to anger. Not that you want to cheat or would but the pattern is there to justify it for many men and women. Sorry if I sounded as if I was accusing you or scolding you. I was not, just trying to present my veiw point. I've been married for more than 30 years and the sexual attraction is still hot but I know its more because of the mental and spiritual closeness than from the physical needs.Some times that attraction doesn't lead to intercourse but It does bring us closer. Maybe as YeloDasy says a proffesional is needed. And no no blue pills here. (high blood pressure). I hope i've helped and cleared the previous post up Good Luck.

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? The "blue pills" actually lower blood pressure!

First off, one question was very good - were you sexually attracted to her when you met her? Was she sexually attracted to you as well. Relationships are one of the most difficult things in life for some people to commit to. When thoughts of marriage are laid out on the table, several different questions must be asked and you must answer them honestly. If you forsee yourself cheating in the future - there is NO WAY whatsoever that you should marry this woman, no matter how your feelings are when you are with her. It is not fair to her that you know you will eventually cheat on her and totally destroy one of the most precious things between a couple and commit adultry. You will destroy her life. Her life was fine before she met you, although I do not know the whole story, why ruin it down the road if you marry her? Have you had a discussion with her about what each of you like sexually? Some people are more aggressive than others, but if it is not working, do not go any further. If she does not feel comfortable doing things, find something that she is comfortable with and go with it. She also should consider compromising and trying one thing that you enjoy. You have to compromise and communicate in a relationship, it can't be all about you. She has feelings, needs, and wants from you too. Maybe there is something there that she does not like that holds her back that you may not know about. Put yourself in her shoes, work out the problem that way. You should not talk about past relationships and what you have done with other women - that is disrespectful and makes a female feel like dirt. It does not matter if each of your families like either of you - that is not the problem you are facing. Do not let anyone persuade you into the relationship. Only the two of you should be communicating, compromising, and finding a way to over come this situation if you actually love her enough to do so.
Think about what you are doing to her by leading her on believing that she has found the man of her dreams - when she has actually found a man that is thinking on cheating on her before you're even married!
The compromise, communication will take time, she will need to feel comfortable with herself doing things. BUT... even though she does not have the experience, that does not matter one bit. She will do what she wants and not react by "feeling pressured" into doing something you have talked about. Maybe, if you have told her different things about your past, she has lost all confidence in herself because of what you have said about doing with others.
I can not and am not saying these things because you have actually done them, it is only hypathetical and grasping at straws here.
Just do not drag her along, think of her feelings - please.

Hi,

I understand your situation. In my opinion, sex is a very important element in a relationship, even though people like to believe that it's not always about sex. But the truth of the matter is that sex help keep a relationship going besides love and having the same interest.

My advice to you is, if you enter into a marriage with your partner and are already aware prior to being marriage that you have little sexual attraction towards her. I suggest you take some time off from the relationship to rediscover yourself and find out what it is in a relationship that will help keep you going. If sex is very important to you in keeping you going in a relationship, then you should go and explore that and see if you meet someone that can keep your interest and someone you can fall in love with at the same time.

If you get married and don't take time away from the relationship, you'll end up regretting it later when you've already committed yourself to someone completely. Plus, think of your future children and how you wouldn't want to end up hurting them over something you were fully aware of prior to your marriage. It would hurt much more to end up divorcing someone over sex than it is to end a relationship over sex.

I hope this helps you.

Wrong girl for you.

And clearly wrong guy for her.

yesnojoe, did the therapy help? Are you still with your girl?

Communication is the key. Have you ever told her about this before? What are your efforts in resolving this issue? Did you involve her in resolving this problem? I guess it's unfair if you just resolve it by yourself. If you have a problem with your partner in sex, you have to involve her in resolving it. If it doesn't work, you can seek professional help. Maybe something is wrong with you also, not just with her. Again, COMMUNICATION is the key. Please work on it seriously. You have to tell her straight what you wanted, your fantasies and I'm sure she'll let go all of her inhibitions. You haven't seen her wild side yet. Don't make her feel conscious and don't stop her from trying. Maybe your reactions make her stop and that inhibits her wild side to be seen solely by you. She's sweet, yeah but I'm pretty sure that she has a slutty side.