Okay, so I met this guy over Christmas and we started seeing each other. In the beginning of march we had a talk about what this was and we decided to be lovers. I kind of said one thing in particular that I regretted the same day... that I could never fall in love with him or be with him because he partied too much. His answer was that he could never be with me or fall in love with me because I'm not the sort of person who would stop him from partying too much.

The next day he told me that the reason he hadn't introduced me to his family yet was because we weren't serious and would most likely never be serious. 5 days later I'm suddenly in his moms living-room and the day after that I also met his brother. A week after meeting them I told him that I felt it was mean of him to introduce me after telling me he wasn't going to do so. It was also mean because it kind of led his mom to believe that things were more serious then they were(and still are). I said this because I felt bad about it when I met her... she told me it was nice to finally meet me and that she had been wondering who I was and so on and hoped I'd come back and visit some other time and I knew I probably wouldn't be doing that and then I felt really bad about it. Dishonest somehow...

We also made an agreement at the beginning of march that if either of us did fall in love with the other we should be honest about it. I honestly think I'm starting to fall in love with him and a part of me doesn't want to be honest about it, but I also want to be realistic cause I know this is NEVER going anywhere. 1. I believe that the things he said are true. 2. I'm a terrible commitment phobe. 3. so is he. I've also been perfectly comfortable with things the way they are... he's fun to hang out with and I don't feel tied down in anyway or pressured and I like that!

Should I tell him? Or should I just kind of pull out slowly (like get my stuff from his house and just have less and less contact?

Tell him. Regardless of your own concerns, he deserves to know exactly how you feel and where you both stand in the relationship.

It sounds like you have tried dropping plenty of signals, but you need to come right out with it and tell him exactly what you want. If you don't know what you want... well, that's something you got to sort out on your own. And it's not fair to string him along while you figure yourself out. Same goes for him.

~ Tee

Roxy be honest with him wouldn't you want the same?

Why are you breaking up with him. It seems like he is into you but don't know how to express it, some guys can't.

This relationship is still new so you don't have to worry about things too quick. I say continue hanging out without the labels if you want.

I know your scare of being tied down but what does it really means to be tied down? Life doesn't stop and it good to have someone around to share things with, talk to, kiss and hug, cuddle up with while watching a movie, him cooking you a meal (not a sandwich), etc.

I think you should really think about the move your going make because I don't want you to regret it Roxy heart.

Why would you want to end something you enjoy?

If you are on the same page, what's the problem? Why would it NEVER go anywhere?

Both of you should communicate your expectations of each other and go from there.

Nothing wrong with telling him you have feelings for him, because if you really do and they are not reciprocated by him, you know what's next... a broken heart : (

Find out what you want from each other... before you get too invested

Tell him. If you love someone let them know before its too late. I am sure if you don't tell him and something gets in the way you might regret it for the rest of your life! Life is unpredictable, you never what could happen the next day.

Thank you all for answering!

The thing I realized this weekend was that for now I'm happy with things the way they are... but I do want a committed relationship...

The reason it would never go anywhere; well I'm friends with his best friend and we had a talk and he said that the guy in question told him (like early in) that if I fell in love with him we'd have to end it. Of course that was over 3 months ago and he might have changed is mind.

Also, personally I dread getting close to people. I dread opening up. And I guess that's what I mean by being tied down.

Liz: your post literally made me cry (in a good way!) and you are right it is early to be worried about it, but I'm just scared. And I do think I'm going to think about it and I do think I'll end up telling him...


All of you are right, I'l probably regret it if I don't. I would want him to tell me and I guess I should just get the words out.

Survior: I know, makes no sense right: to end something you enjoy, but for the past two weeks or so I've been in total fight or flight mode... and I've seriously been considering the latter because I honestly do not want to get my heart broken... I've also considered just waiting for a few weeks and just see what happens, but I do think its time for a talk either way...

Once again, thank you for your opinions! I really appreciate it!:)

You can't really go on what his friend says he wants or wouldn't want. Only he can tell you that.

I understand that these feelings and emotions are scary and it feels so safe behind our walls, doesn't it? But, it can get lonely behind them, too.

Taking chances is what life is all about, otherwise, what's the point? Good luck

Yeah it really does feel pretty safe, and your right it can also become very very lonely!

He did tell me that himself though, but we had known each other for like 3 weeks at the time and if someone told me after knowing me for 3 weeks that they were in love with me I'd say the same thing... and I wasn't in love with him at the time... I really need people to grow on me and feel safe enough to allow myself to feel anything at all.

Yeah... I'm usually a big fan of taking chances, I usually jump with out looking but with him I kind of don't want to jump... because I'm scared of where I'll land... and he's kind of a rare find I guess, someone its not hard to be comfortable with, he is friends with my brother so I never had to have a talk about my pill addicted mom. And when she does wired things while under the infliction of pills he's understanding about it. Like when she totalluy crossed a line and called him and ranted about nothing for 20 minutes. He was abandoned by his dad as a kid, so I never had to explain how that feels either. He's smart, he's funny, he's independent and knows how to take care of himself, he's calm.

Thank you! LOL I think I need it. (the good luck that is ;) )

Roxy in one word "relax" and enjoy getting to know each other. This is the fun part. Hehe

Lol yeah, I should relax... just got a little panicky once that red light switched on! And of course falling in love shouldn't be a red light at all, maybe a less danger inflicted color I guess. (I SOOO know what I'm going to spend my next therapy session on... lowering my shoulders, opening up, letting go of my fears and relaxing... )

Have to admit though that I've kind of been holding back a bit lately with him (personality wise, because some people think I'm a bit too much... I talk too fast, when I'm exited I talk too loud, I can go on and on about stuff that few people think is interesting...

And on the latter he never says anything negative, he just lets me talk and joins the conversation... and of course that has started to freak me out to because I've kind of gotten a little used to people disliking or frowning at sides of myself I like, because I like these things about myself... ;)

Okay, rant over... going to work on relaxing now! ;)

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Originally Posted by roxypox

lol yeah, i should relax... just got a little panicky once that red light switched on! and of course falling in love shouldn't be a red light at all, maybe a less danger inflicted color I guess. (I SOOO know what I'm gonna spend my next therapy session on... lowering my shoulders, opening up, letting go of my fears and relaxing... )

Have to admit though that I've kinda been holding back a bit lately with him (personality wise, because some people think i'm a bit too much... I talk to fast, when I'm exited i talk too loud, I can go on and on about stuff that few people think is interesting... and on the latter he never says anything he just lets me talk and joins the conversation... and of course that has started to freak me out to because I've kinda gotten a little used to people disliking or frowning at sides of myself I like because i like these things about myself.... ;)

okay, rant over... going to work on relaxing now!! ;)

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lol, love is an amazing thing. Sure don't need to panic =P it should come natural, makes you feel good inside, and have a great time during it.

None: LOl true! It is and it really should. Hehe. And I really really do like him, I've actually tried to ignore it for a few weeks, the really liking him thing. But whenever I'm going to see him I get really really happy. If we have a plan to do something on a Friday, I wake up happy on wends, thurs AND Friday feeling exceptionally happy ;)

I think you want your cake and eat it to so to speak. I think you want to be in a relationship but if this one fails you can blame it on him being a pariter, lying about meeting his mom, etc. I get the feeling he feels the same way, in that he wants the relationship but if it fails he can blame you for holding him down.

As it stands now it's doomed to fail because there is no stability in this relationship, it's just living off the basic framework but once that goes so will the relationship.

If you are in love with the guy then tell him. He deserves that. If he says he can't handle that, then that's his problem, but you can walk away head held high that you did the right thing. You stood to your word and did right by the relationship, and more important you stood by you own integrity and honesty to yourself.

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Originally Posted by roxypox

None: LOl true! It is and it really should. hehe. and i really really do like him, i've actually tried to ignore it for a few weeks, the really liking him thing. but whenever i'm going to see him i get really really happy. If we have a plan to do something on a friday, i wake up happy on wends, thurs AND friday feeling exceptionally happy ;)

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Don't try to ignore it, embrace it lol. Its better let it be out in the open, you will feel way better and happier when you spend time with him that way.

Wish you two the best!! XD

Chuff: I think you hit the neigl(sp?) on the head... that's how I feel... if it falls a part the way it is now; I certainly can fool myself into thinking its his fault, and I also do feel that he can blame me... I said I could never fall in love with him... I said it first. I tried to safe guard myself in such a silly silly way and of course it bit me in the arse...

And you are right (as always... ;)) I do honestly think its doomed to fail the way it is now, because it has no where to go. We laid down some laws and they are just so tight and strict that it left us with NO options if we should want any and I do feel that I want some options... so in an attempt of not ending up with a feeling of being tied down... I still ended up tied down in someway or another.

I must say, this is why I love this site, you talk to real people, with real insight and different points of view and Its more cleansing then anything. Really!

And yes, it would only be fair to him and to me to tell him... I really do think I'll regret it...

1. If I walk away with out saying it... I will never know the out come...

2. I don't give him any say in the matter it really isn't fair. If he feels the same way then that's good, if he doesn't and it all goes really badly at least he knows... because what I think I realized over the past few hours is it isn't really fair to just disappear when things are going good with no explanation; even if he doesn't like the way I feel and even if he doesn't feel the same way...

None: thank you ;)

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Originally Posted by roxypox

Chuff: I think you hit the neigl(sp?) on the head... thats how I feel... if it falls a part the way it is now; i certainly can fool myself into thinking its his fault, and i also do feel that he can blame me... I said I could never fall in love with him... i said it first. I tried to safe guard myself in such a silly silly way and of course it bit me in the arse....

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Friends with benefits can never be safeguarded. Someone always falls for the other... or it was there the entire time and they lied to themselves about it. That being said, he might feel the same way, but not want to say it either. You are both caught in this weird circle. You set the rules where you can't care, if you do you have to say it, and you say it's over, so nobody says it. You are playing chicken with each other but destorying yourselves in the process.

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Originally Posted by roxypox

and you are right (as always... ;))

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I have got to get this copyrighted.

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Originally Posted by roxypox

I do honestly think its doomed to fail the way it is now, because it has no where to go. we laid down some laws and they are just so tight and strict that it left us with NO options if we should want any and I do feel that I want some options... so in an attempt of not ending up with a feeling of being tied down.... I still ended up tied down in someway or another.

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But so did he.

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Originally Posted by roxypox

I must say, this is why i love this site, you talk to real people, with real insight and different points of view and Its more cleansing then anything. really!

and yes, it would only be fair to him and to me to tell him... i really do think i'll regret it...

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I'm not wanting to make you a promise, but I get the impression you won't regret it. I think he's into you, which is why he brought you to him mom and brother. I think he's afraid to break the rules you two have set up so he's playing the same game you are. This is so unhealthy, but it's not broken. It will eventually break anyway like this, so approach him and say here's the deal, I fell for you, I'm holding to our rules. I'd love to continue this exclusively but you can't I understand there will be no hard feelings. I have a feeling if you tell him just like that and not pressure him he's going to be into you and it will give him a reason to open up himself.

Well, I don't think that I can add much to the discussion on this post - it's been really interesting reading what everyone has said and the responses from roxypox.

I would only like to say one thing, that I have found to be so true in my own life:

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all".

Yea, I know, it's corny - but it's really true - there is no better way to get to know yourself and another person than though a relationship.

Put away the fear and just do it - don't overthink it and enjoy.

Chuff: yeah you really should get that copyrighted ;)

And thank you. That was a good suggestion (as a way of saying it!) I will do that!

Gemini: your so right! It really is better to love and lose then to never love at all. ;)

Thank you all for your advice, as well as support! I'm going to tell him (and of course tell you the out come ;))

PS: after I logged of and went to bed yesterday I remembered some stuff that he said a while ago.. He has some pretty wired thoughts as to what a relationship is... and it all seems like stupid excuses, e.g. since we live in different cities, we'd have to talk on the phone or txt everyday...

And you are right about his mom and brother, chuff, it was a pretty big deal for him.

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Should I tell him? Or should I just kind of pull out slowly (like get my stuff from his house and just have less and less contact?

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All of the above. You knew the risk when you first got together, and defined what you were doing. (basically its friends with benefits, you say lovers, )

Even though its way to early to say what happens next, you already know how you feel about it. Once your honest with yourself, you can be honest with him.

I find it striking your enjoying yourself, but want more. But I'm thinking its way to soon to be professing love after two months, and worrying about where things are headed, instead of enjoying getting to know each other better. Its only been a couple of months.

You are a risk taker though, and I like that in you. Just be flexible when you take risks.

I think your biggest mistake though is you have locked yourself into being exclusive, and not just dated without benefits first (or long enough). Now you want to change the agreement. Don't know how that will work.

Just me, what I do is hold off on confessing, and just do my own thing, and let him tell you how he feels.

Is this the famous, to much, to fast, scenario? I don't know but any relationship has to have room to grow, or it dies.

Honesty is always the best policy. Tell him where you are heading - tell him you think you are falling in love. Then the ball is in his court. He can either say he too is falling in love. Or he can say he never will, in which case I would advise you to get out before you get hurt badly. All the signs suggest that both of you are in fact falling in deep but you both seem scared to admit it - why? Relationships only become worthwhile when there is trust. It sounds very grown up to say you don't want commitment. But I reckon that's exactly what most of us want - we're just a little afraid of looking stupid if we admit it. TELL HIM!

I don't think they are falling in love, but are getting more attached to each other.

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

Well, I don't think that I can add much to the discussion on this post - it's been really interesting reading what everyone has said and the responses from roxypox.

I would only like to say one thing, that I have found to be so true in my own life:

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all".

Yea, I know, it's corny - but it's really true - there is no better way to get to know yourself and another person than though a relationship.

Put away the fear and just do it - don't overthink it and enjoy.

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Actually I see it differently lol I guess its opinion.

I think its better to never loved at all, than be loved and lost.

Thank you both for responding.


Well, tal you are right it has only been a few months and it is way way too early to be professing love, we kind of were friends with befits before we defined it as such... so its been almost 5 months... and I don\t think its so much professing that the love is here and its big and manifested, but more that its kind of heading in that direction. I'm somewhere between charmed and in love... does that make any sense?

I've given all of these answers and this thing a lot of thought to day and I guess what would be fair is to say that that's the direction I'm headed.

I would like to share a thought that struck me... and I had a talk with my sister about it and she pretty much agreed. I think that dating in Norway is pretty different then in some other places. Most people become a couple pretty fast, my sis and her Significant other became a couple after 1.5 months, one of my best friends and her boyf (of three years now) became a couple after a few weeks, a co-woker and her SO after a few days... and I didn't really tell people early on that me and this guy weren't really dating but more friends with benefits then anything else, so when I had known him for 2 months people thought it was weired that we weren't bf/gf, and now after almost 5 months they still thinks its weird. I also think that the people who know the both of us, and the people who know me just kind of think of it as more serious then it is... and we hang out with his friends all the time and they make no fuss about it, either way.

His mom told me that when she had asked to meet me... he had said that we weren't in a hurry and I'm not. But I do feel there is no way this can go anywhere, because I pulled the trigger too fast and said things I know now isn't true.

And of course with FwB it prob isn't that uncommon that one falls for the other, and what I've honestly realized is that I can't really keep this going the way it is, because there is no sense of direction and there is too much insecurity (at least for my sake)

TAL: as for risk taking... I like that you like that, I do to. ;)

I guess if things doesn't work out with me and my fiancé I should move to Norway. Hehe! Just a thought!

Every couple move at their own pace and I think your pace with your boyfriend is weird at all. I rather move slow than fast any day.

Hehe yeah maybe you should ;)

Yeah I guess so ;) Lol, I think everything about me is fast; I talk fast, move fast, walk fast...

PS Liz: Love your signature!

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Originally Posted by none12345

Actually i see it differently lol i guess its personal opinion.

I think its better to never loved at all, than be loved and lost.

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Oh no! My heart breaks for you.

I've loved and lost and have NEVER regretted the experience. Being in love is too wonderful to not experience it.

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

Oh no! My heart breaks for you.

I've loved and lost and have NEVER regretted the experience. Being in love is too wonderful to not experience it.

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His broken heart is still fresh... he'll change his mind. I have faith in him.

It's always better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. WHY?

Experience.

Gemini, survivor: I do actually agree! But of course when a heart ache is still fresh it's a little difficult to image that it is better.

Hey Roxy girl! How you doin'? Geees, I also agree with them but boy isn't it true that when you're in the midst of it, it feels like it's (the pain) never going to go away. It's almost too painful right? I know this is a stupid comparison BUT... whenever I have a pet, I am so tormented for the day to come when they will... well leave. But I feel good knowing I gave them so much love and a happy home. K, wait,. this has nothing to do with the subject. I just know I don't like pain. None of us do. I wish I could take away yours and everone else's. Basically, I am with you more than you know. And these other guys really are too. I want to keep posted on this because it's helping me also. Be well!

And P.S. Yes, it makes sense to be between charmed and in love!

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Originally Posted by Survivor07

His broken heart is still fresh....he'll change his mind. I have faith in him.

It's always better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. WHY?

Experience.

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Thanks Survivy! I think that is how I will feel one day and just look back and think of it as a good thing. Im starting to actually. =P

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Originally Posted by roxypox

Gemini, survivor: I do actually agree! But of course when a heart ache is still fresh its a little difficult to image that it is better.

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Stop the pain, roxypox. Think about it this way, if you told him how you feel, the worst thing he will said is he doesn't feel the same but what about the best thing? With the answer you get from him, you can use it to see where you go from there with him.

I've learned that positive thinking can come a long way, it will turn out the way you picture it whether if its with him or someone else.

I did something horrible today. I acted like a HUGE B***H.

A couple of hours ago I called and asked if I could come by real quick and get some of my dvds, because I have my mom and dads house to myself so I want to watch some movies and chill.

He said: really... okay I'm at home the rest of the day. We're having a BBQ later and some beers if you want to stay.

So I walked over to his house went inside and got my movies, he asked me: are you taking all of your movies? Me: yes, I don't know which one to watch and what if I change my mind and I leave some here?

He was in a really good mood when I came. I was in a terrible mood. He tried to kiss me, I just pulled away, and he asked me why and I said I no reason, I'm just really tired and in a terrible mood. I told him, half laughing at, that if you want something you should just try to pick someone up if you guys go out later. You're not getting any here, not today.

He said: well why would I do that? Besides it isn't that easy, not that many interesting girls out there...

By the time I left he was in a really bad mood. I'm just so stupid. He also asked me how long I'm staying... if I go back tomorrow night or on Monday morning and I said prob Monday morning. I'm going to stay at my moms house till then. Easier that way... (of course I said this so he couldn't ask me to sleep over. B/c I usually do that on sundays and then he drives me to the bus on Monday morning)... and I won't see him until at least 2 weeks from now... because he is going on a trip.

I called him on my way home and apologized for being crabby, though... but I don't know. I think I just totally went into a zone this morning where I have decided to break things of with him. I'm even at the point where I only half care what he feels or thinks about it and if he gets sad... well too darn bad. I think the moment I started to consider the out come I started to let go...

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Originally Posted by none12345

Stop the pain, roxypox. Think about it this way, if you told him how you feel, the worst thing he will said is he doesnt feel the same but what about the best thing? With the answer you get from him, you can use it to see where you go from there with him.

I've learned that positive thinking can come a long way, it will turn out the way you picture it whether if its with him or someone else.

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I have to say I'm not really feeling any pain right now... I meant like in general when it feels that way ;)

Have to say that I'm more conflicted.

That's what all relationships are about, conflicting feelings, moods, and attitudes, that have to be resolved.

As long as they are from an honest place its all good. (you could have taken the time to explain it to him, as we men don't have a clue) but you will have to be willing to communicate your feelings in an honest way sooner or later.

For now though, some distance doesn't hurt at all, as sometimes we want those resolution to our problems, right now, but it seldom happens that way. Irritating I know.

Yeah, I kind of hoped that he wouldn't have a clue. I don't think he does.

Yeah, its hard not to resolve this right away. I like doing things right away. But on the bright side, I have taken a long napp. And I think it did some good. So I'm not crabby anymore and I think I gained some patience at least.

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Originally Posted by roxypox

He said: well why would I do that? besides it isn't that easy, not that many interesting girls out there....

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Hint. HINT. THIS IS A HINT! IT CAN NOT BE ANY MORE CLEAR

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Originally Posted by roxypox

I called him on my way home and apologized for being crabby, though.... but i don't know. I think I just totally went into a zone this morning where I have decided to break things of with him. I'm even at the point where I only half care what he feels or thinks about it and if he gets sad.... well too darn bad.

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Did I completely miss something here?

The other day you debating on if you should tell him you like him, I believe he likes you and now your going to self sabatoge and then take him down with you and you don't even care how he feels about it?

What am I missing here?

You are missing the debts of insanity that goes of in my head once in a while like a time bomb...

I have a way to distance myself from all emotional things. Good and bad... today I did it and once I realized that I was self sabotaging, which took surprisingly long time to be honest, I tried to erect what I've done... He shouldn't suffer because I have issues... Its like I go into a mode where I become like a machine and in this situation a very destructive one... crazy, plain crazy

Yes, you are right Chuff, as always... it really is a hint... and yes, I'm trying to take him down with me. Subconsciously, but you're right. Gosh that sounds horrible, it is horrible!

Any tips how to avoid self sabotage and keep a clear head? I guess I can try very very hard to be conscious about it?

Self Sabotage is a protection mechinism in your brain that causes you to act out in a in a way that makes no logical sense. But the brain runs on emotions not logic, and emotionally you like this guy and you are afraid if you admit that to him this could be over, because of the rules you two made. So instead of going through with the action that might be painful you are going around it and breaking it off with him so that you can avoid the pain of rejection. The pain of rejection is worse then the pain of the actual separation, so you just planted the seeds of separation.

Your brain has protected itself, like the brain of any animal is designed to do. Unfortunately, the fact that you have overlooked is, he never rejected you, and while I maybe wrong, from what you right on this thread, I think he's just as much into you as you are him. You both made these ridicules rules and now you are both handcuffed to them. It's time you took the step and unlock the handcuffs. You need to tell him the truth. This relationship is based on a stupid premise and it can go nowhere because that premise is a lie. So you have to stand up for yourself and tell him you fell for him. If he doesn't feel the same way you will then deal with the rejection you are trying to avoid. But that rejection will actually make you stronger so that next time you might not practice self sabotage because you've faced it and lived it down.

This relationship needs some truth injected into about a month ago. He may not be your boyfriend, but from what you write he's never done anything to purposely disrespect you, and I believe that means he deserves the truth. You owe it to YOURSELF to give it him. If you can continue to lie to yourself, then your going to continue on with these mixed feelings and acting out in ways that do not make any sense or support your cause. Your cause here is not the relationship, but a healthy emotional outlook instead of a cloudly, confusing one. If he rejects you, you have a solid concrete answer, and a reason to move forward. But your emotional health will actually be better because you will have a solid reason to move forward and not play the"what if's" games going back in forth in your mind now so you will be emotionlly healthier even if you have rejection pain temporarily. If he does not reject you, you have an opportunity to get rid of the old rules and create new healthy ones that make sense for both you and will be more productive for your own emotional health.

WOW! Its hard to answer you last Post chuff, mostly because its so on and so true and filled with an insight that is undeniable and unquestionable... Thank you! Really!

Sometimes I need to be pulled back in towards what I know should be done. I knew it this morning and then I just backed out of the thought and create awful new ones.

Rejection isn't that hard once I've been rejected. Then its over and its done. Its more the time before I might be rejected that's hard.

Once again Chuff, thanks!