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I'm engaged, I love him but I'm only 19. When he proposed I hesitated but it was in front of his parents so it wasn't really in the cards for me to explain to him that I'm not ready. I did tell him that I wanted a long engagement and by long I mean like 6 years. I'm always so confused but I know I love him so much, but now that we are so serious I always question if we should even get married or not. I know that if he would have waited a few years and maybe asked me when I was 24 I probably would have said yes, but I'm not sure if its because I'm so young that I'm so confused or if it is because of some underlying thoughts I may have without realizing them. How do I know he is the right one? :confused:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a long engagement.

Just enjoy your relationship.

If you have already told him you want to wait then pick a date 6 years out and see how it goes. 18 months before the date then you can start planning. Until then you will have plenty of time to save and plan and see if the relationship is right.

I agree completely. Just because you are smart enough to know you are young, doesn't mean you have to second guess the whole relationship. If you are meant to marry him, it will happen when YOU are ready.

And if it turns out that you don't want to, it is a lot cheaper to break off a long engagement than to file for divorce.

Lol, what a good solution to a hard problem, a long engagement. You should enjoy getting to him until your sure of what you want.

You have done very well giving yourself time, to figure it out for yourself.

I think your smart enough to know your not sure. That's great for someone your age not to be blinded by the bling on your finger. Just remember its never to late to change your mind. You can start walking down that aisle and change your mind. It's the "I do" that ties you. Just go with the engagement and keep loving him. In time you will know how you feel and which direction to go.

I'm in love with someone, I don't know if I want to marry him. We are engaged, but I told him I didn't want to be. Life is so hard, tears fill my eyes when I think of him and how he must feel about me right now, but if I'm not 100000% sure about it I don't want to marry anyone, and it breaks my heart to let him go, but I think in the end someday he will be happy I did. We haven't broken up yet, I just want things to be the way they were but I'm guessing they will never be like they were in the beginning because the excitement will never be the same and neither of you have broken trust at that point and its so mysterious... if this is what I want, why does it hurt so bad? :confused:

I'm not sure what kind of response I want from this, just maybe some supportive past experiances or something. Maybe you could tell me what exactly I'm thinking? Maybe the men could tell me how they felt if its ever happened to them, because he genuinely loves me and takes care of me and is good to me, and I just can't figure out why I don't want to marry him.

Thanks

Yup, this is happening to me now.

I'm engaged to a girl who does not really want to ever get married, but she loves me and doesn't want to be without me, but she knows this is the only way, so she said she will just do it, marry me, but she has so many problems with it and its just so hard for her.

She breaks up with me on a weekly basis and comes back to me in a few days saying she is sorry and she still wants to try, and since I love her, I let her back in, only to have the same thing happen to me again next week.

If you man is anything like me, he is very hurt by this, but he loves you. He proposed to you and wants to spend his life with out, but he heels a little worthless right now, that the girl he loves doesn't want to marry him.

As much as you tell us its not us, it's the fact that you don't want to get married, we just don't seem to understand that. We are that in love with you, and are hurt that you don't seem to love us enough to marry us.

I guess there is nothing much I say say here, because I'm feeling very bad about my situation and hearing what you said lets me know that I'm not alone. Basically, you man loves you and he is hurting because you won't marry him. He doesn't know how to feel right now, and feels there is something wrong with him.

The best thing you could do right now is be there for him, try to explain to him why you don't want to get married and hope for the best, maybe he will understand, maybe he won't. I'm Sorry

I'm going to offer a slightly different perspective. I believe that we should be honest with ourselves and with others and that it's incumbent on us to share our feelings with our 'important' others about things that may affect them.

You're feeling uncertain about commitment to marriage. This is fair enough, and I don't envy you this dilemma. If you're uncertain then you must communicate this with your partner, so that they can make a decision about how to respond.

I'm not saying this will be easy, however your partner needs to know what you're thinking and feeling because it concerns them. Yes, it may well hurt them and you will feel dreadful knowing that you're the architect of that hurt, but in the end they will respect you for telling the truth.

Well I think for sure you should talk it out. I mean with the divorce rate what it is today and reading some of these threads in here don't get married unless you are that sure. If you walk down that aisle and your not sure you will always wonder what "might have been" which will only lead to trouble in your marriage I am guessing. Its better to not be sure and wait then to not be sure and marry then divorce when you realize it shouldn't have been.

If you're not feeling 100% about marriage, then don't do it. Marriage is a life long commitment or at least should be, it's not a trial period for a relationship. You also don't go into marriage with problems on your plate. You need to take some time and think about what is best FOR YOU, not him. Decide what you would like to do and then stick to it

Having been in his shoes, I can only tell you that for all the misery, and pain of a break up, being honest with him will be greatly respected years down the road, when he finds his own happiness, and has good memories of you, for being honest with him.

Having been in this situation recently (and thus my opinion is jaded by the particulars of my situation), don't drag this out. Nothing good is going to come from your uncertainty. I think you should be honest, direct, and end it as amicably as possible.

My boyfriend and I just broke up, he initiated the conversation. His intuition or something was obviously telling him that something was wrong, which it had been for the past 2 months. I hadn't been feeling the same way I did the previous 2 years, I was so in love with him, way more than he loved me but I didn't care, until I started falling out of love then I realized how much he did love me but it just happened, I think its because I'm young and changing. We have different goals and everything, and because I didn't see myself marrying him one day he brought it up and confronted me about it and we ended up breaking it off. He was extremely upset, but didn't try and convince me to stay with him he took it like a man, and took the truth. The thing that hurts is that I still love him so much, but I'm not in love with him. And he said it was 2 years down the drain if we didn't end up getting married, but for me those were two of the greatest years of my short life so far, he showed me what love really really was, and how I should be treated and what I should expect, and not to be jealous and to trust and I wouldn't be who I am right now with out him, so my question is this I suppose: when will he be OK? What can I do so he doesn't hate me in the future? I definitely want to be friends with him again someday, he is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and its sad for me that its over, but I know it's the right thing.

Sorry to break it to you but don't contact him if you want him to get better. If you contact him or you want to stay friend, it will only hurt him in the long run and I doubt this is what you want. You broke up with him and it rarely ever works the ex-girlfriend staying friend (I'm also talking about own experience). You cannot change the way he will feel about you (anger or hate) and that is his right.

You are also in shock and sad, I suggest you take this time to concentrate on yourself and not get into a rebound as it may be damaging. Good luck.

He will be fine in his own time. The best thing for you to do is to remain friendly toward him, even if/when he turns sour about you. People often need to justify their breakup by disqualifying their ex in some way, getting angry, inventing reasons, etc. Don't take it personally if he does. It's not really about you. It's common human nature. But don't go out of your way to interact with him. Let him be.

He is wrong about it being 2 years down the drain if it didn't end up in marriage. A relationship isn't an investment that's supposed to pay off at the "end." The payoff is every day; you grow together and want to continue. Knowing that you would not marry him, you did the right thing, and so did he.

You have a better perspective. You both grew to your next step. Be grateful.

Tao

Wow, well... you are young and yes it is good to shop around but this guy sounds like he could be Mr. Right. And it is perfectly OK to never marry and or ever committ to a relationship or ever have children. But if you intend to remain single and never intend on having children it is important to put that out there in the beginning of your relationships so that the men in your life don't have to feel as though the time they spend with you is time down the drain.

You might not ever find a guy that will love you the way you describe this guy who you have fallen out of love with, but still love so much. But one thing you will find out for sure is that intense IN love doesn't last over time with anyone. IN love changes to a deeper level of love *which feels not as intense, that endures the test of time and the trials and tribulations of life.

Staying in a (love) relationship takes work no matter what stage you are in.

You are in luck. Time is a good healer of the heart. He will find a lucky lady and before you can remember that you fell out of love, he will be gone.

My dad told me not to hold back on my dreams or take a chance because I'm scared of losing someone or something. I gained so much by having known him and I want to get married and have kids but not for another 8 years or more, he wanted it now. I figured there was a better match for him out there that wanted the same things. I know I will always love him, and I think he will always love me. Thanks for everyone's input

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when will he be OK? What can I do so he doesn't hate me in the future? I definitely want to be friends with him again someday,

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He will be fine if you leave him alone and let him heal his way. As far as how long before you can be friends, and keep him in your life? Sorry there is no answer to that, and when you decide to break up, you risk losing a friend too. May not seem fair, but it works out in the end. He gets to move on with his life in a healthy way, and so can you.

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Originally Posted by Rushed19

my dad told me not to hold back on my dreams or take a chance because i'm scared of losing someone or something.

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Your dad is 100% right. The only relationship you will have for life is the one with yourself. People will come and people will go, but you will have to answer to the person in the mirror forever. If you have a goal then do and don't worry about losing anything but rather gaining the goal.

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Originally Posted by Rushed19

I gained so much by having known him and i want to get married and have kids but not for another 8 years or more, he wanted it now. I figured there was a better match for him out there that wanted the same things. I know i will always love him, and i think he will always love me. thanks for everyones input

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I have to say you are very mature about break ups. What a great attitude to have towards an ex.

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Originally Posted by Rushed19

my dad told me not to hold back on my dreams or take a chance because i'm scared of losing someone or something. I gained so much by having known him and i want to get married and have kids but not for another 8 years or more, he wanted it now. I figured there was a better match for him out there that wanted the same things. I know i will always love him, and i think he will always love me. thanks for everyones input

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Your dad is right. My advice to my own children was to make sure they were well on their chosen path before committing to a relationship. A person you are in a relationship with can interfere with what you would choose for yourself if you were otherwise responsible only to yourself. You might not attain your dream if you become involved in a relationship before your dream even begins...

I posted another question the other day and my question was will he be OK? I got good responses and now my question is when will I be OK? When will my heart heal? When will I stop wondering about him? I know I'm the one that broke it off, and I really think it was the right decision, so why am I so upset! Maybe because he was my best friend, seeing him not attempt to call me is good for us but sad and real... I'm just really sad and I just want to know when will it be OK?

Healing time varies from person to person but the moving on process starts with you.

Have you completely let him go? Are you ready to move on?

Since the break up is fresh the wound is still open. The good memories are still in your head but you need to focus on something else when thoughts of him enter your mind.

Go hang with him to help get him off your mind. Don't listen to sad depressing songs. Put everything away that reminds you of him.

For now just take it one day at a time.

Well, there really is no set time limit. I know there are the "guidelines" but frankly we all heal at different paces. You will be OK when you can finally accept that the situation is out of your hands, and that even if what you had is now lost, what you gained and learned from it all is just as valuable, maybe even more.

Check out my signature. It's something that I came up with while I was still deeply wounded by the loss of my first love, with some input from some of the experts here.

You'll be fine. Give it time, but make good use of the time and you'll heal faster and healthier!

~ Tee

It will be okay. I can't give you an exact day and time but the first step is letting him go. You have broke up with him, but you have not yet let him go. Not until you do, can you start the journey forward.

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Originally Posted by Rushed19

I posted another question the other day and my question was will he be ok? I got good responses and now my question is when will i be ok? when will my heart heal? when will I stop wondering about him? I know i'm the one that broke it off, and i really think it was the right decision, so why am i so upset! Maybe because he was my best friend, seeing him not attempt to call me is good for us but sad and real... I'm just really sad and I just want to know when will it be ok?

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You will be okay in 4 weeks, 3 days, 22 hours and 16 seconds.

Hun, everyone is different.. everyone takes drama differently. If you are very emotionally upset then it could take a few days perhaps a week or two? There is no set date of time.. but in the mean time make sure you are getting distracted by things you enjoy like music, friends.. family etc..

You will be okay once you can look in the mirror and LOVE what you see.. everyday, every minute!

Until then, be patient, be kind, be yourself and try and be happy. That's what life is about.

It will be okay.

One day, you're going to wake up and realize that you're happy. You'll realize that you're going to be fine, that you're better off, that you have infinite possibilities to what you can be and what you can experience.

One day soon, you'll know that you're going to make it.

We can't give you an answer to your question, but we can all tell you from personal experience that you will make it, you will be a better person from it, and you will survive heartbreak. We all have; we can tell you that it has only made us the people we are today - strong, secure, growing individuals.

One day soon, you'll be able to look back on your relationship and smile.

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

It will be okay.

One day, you're going to wake up and realize that you're happy. You'll realize that you're going to be fine, that you're better off, that you have infinite possibilities to what you can be and what you can experience.

One day soon, you'll know that you're going to make it.

We can't give you an answer to your question, but we can all tell you from personal experience that you will make it, you will be a better person from it, and you will survive heartbreak. We all have; we can tell you that it has only made us the people we are today - strong, secure, growing individuals.

One day soon, you'll be able to look back on your relationship and smile.

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I had to spread the rep, but this is really great advice.

It's weird because right after the break up you can't forget the person and then at some point you realize, "Hey I haven't thought about them in a long time." You may not even notice it right away.

Time heals all wounds as you know, but it varies on all people, depends if you try and move on date other people, and try not to keep in contact or ask friends how he/she is doing because usually that just re opens a wound again, if you are meant to be it will happen, I've always felt prayin helped me and develping a relationship with god and giving it to him.

I want to be married someday to a man who I love and am happy with and loves me back and we don't leave each other, and we stay happy through even having kids and I know there is always hard times, but I just want to be sexually attracted through our marriage and loving and respectful of each other, is this impossible? Is my dream of SOMEDAY finding a relationship like this unrealistic? I know there are plenty of loving men and women out there, so why do things always end up so crappy for everyone? It seems like...

Anyway, question: Is a marriage like this possible?

While you shouldn't settle for less than what you want in a relationship, you also shouldn't search for a perfect one... because you'll never find one. That doesn't mean you'll never find that special someone, he/she is out there somewhere.


Some advice I was given: Try not to find everything you're looking for in them, but see all the great things they have to offer.

Rushed 19, marriage as far as I know it won't last if you don't have God in it. I've been married since 1996 . 2006 made it ten years and this year is the thirteen year. We've been together for sixteen years. I have not always been in love, and attracted to my husband. The first couple of years I think we were at war with each other. Marriage is a process that is ongoing. You have to make it threw the bad times in order to see the good. I love my husband but, I have not always liked him. And I'm sure the same is true for him. We got married very young and have grown both spiritually, physically, and financially. I'm glad we stuck in there. I wouldn't trade being married for being single. Although if you are single please focus on you, and what GOD has to say about you. Enjoy your single life for now date only men that you would potentially marry. Get rid of the losers that don't know what they want, when they want it, or how they'll get their. Nobody is perfect but you don't have to date no one with numerous problems. ;)

I think it's possible but you have to find the person that wants that back. But beyond having that great relationship with someone else you have to have a better relationship with yourself, as that is the one that will last until your last moment. If you are not satisfied with that relationship, then you can't seek out somebody else for another one.

It is possible. It's not a myth. You do need however:
•trust
•patience
•loyalty
•good communication
•determination
•be quick to listen and slow to speak

.. and maybe a few more things but really good communication and trust is key for any healthy relationship.

Like I said it's not some strange mythical legend. It does happen, people just stop trying after the infatuation fades either that or the person has some sort of problem they need to fix before entering a relationship.

It's not science. If you look at it.. it's actually common sense. If he's broken don't fix him. If your broken fix yourself. After 8 months of being with someone and the infatuation phase has passed you either leave or stay.

Meh. My opinion.

Sarah

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Originally Posted by Rushed19

I want to be married someday to a man who i love and am happy with and loves me back and we don't leave each other, and we stay happy through even having kids and i know there is always hard times, but i just want to be sexually attracted through our marriage and loving and respectful of each other, is this impossible? is my dream of SOMEDAY finding a relationship like this unrealistic? I know there are plenty of loving men and women out there, so why do things always end up so crappy for everyone? it seems like...

anyways, question: Is a marriage like this possible?

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Is there? Does it really matter? By trying to figure all that out you are destroying the moments of happiness with fears, and self doubt.

You loose the substance buy grasping at it's shadow. Are you happy here and now, not will you be happy, for you are only choosing for the here and now. Things change all the time, and as LedZeppelin's stiarway to heaven says, "Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run there's still time to change the road you're on." And the old wise chines saying, "This too shall soon pass." For all things shall soon pass.

Stop making requirements for you to obtain happiness and simply pay more attention to the happiness you have like, the sun shine, the feel of rain upon your face, the fierocity of a storm, or the power going out and just grabbing a warm blanket and lighting a candle and reading a good book. Kids, even if you didn't help in making them, my Phylosophy is kids are every one's responsibility. Kids are funny, and fun. You can take them to those Pixar cartoons and not half to look like a geek.:p And you can buy ice cream and say they needed some so you figured you'd get some too... :rolleyes: Yes, Kids are fun.

Should you do meet some one, first be sure to Love, forgive (for any past mistakes or future as well), respect, know, and ultimatly be yourself. "No one in the univers desereves your love and affection as much as you do."-Buddha. Besides, How can you know your "soul mate"/"lover" if you don't know who you are?

Is that idea unrealistic? Maybe, maybe not, but you won't know until it's done. So it's kind of pointless to think or concern yourself with such thinking. It can not be logically, nor saticfacturally answered. Let it go. Instead try focusing on what you like, other than men, so you can find some one who is into what you like, and you know what you like as well so you know what you don't like.

When you are with some one, take it easy and be with them by focusing on what you are doing and enjoying the moments that make life worth living.

Just so you know, I want to be with a women that loves me as much as I love her, so we can have a balanced relationtship, with a decent house, but not big as that's just unnecessarry, kids (as I'd like to adopt or make a house where lots of kids can live safe and have fun, but maintain a working understanding of how they affect others and the environment and learn to take responsibility for themselves.) Like a group home only a bigger yard, with pets, garden (teach how hard it is to get food, and to appreciate such things.), to get out an just adventure to new places like greece, egypt, France, Spain, Germany, Britain, Hawii, and so on. (Note, I've been to Australia, and New Zealand.) I also want to enjoy my own country, and go across Canada. To learn about the stars, and do science experiments, play guitar, and various other instraments, learn about geology/geography, and so much more. Make different kinds of foods on weekends and watch a movie or do something fun... Will I get that?:rolleyes: I doubt it, but it doesn't mean I shouldn't keep working for that. The movie the pursuit of happiness, said something about how it's our right to pursue Happiness, doesn't say we will achieve it, but we can try. As Yoda says, "Do or do not there is no try." But the wise master Yoda is talking about never giving up, or so I've come to understand that phrase to mean. (Yes I know, there is no such thing as Jedi's but as I like to say, "wisedom is every where, we need only listen."-Nestorian.)
So in short it is possible, but seems improbable. Don't give up hope for the future, but bemindful to enjoy what you already have in the present. "The past is history, the future is a mystery but today is a gift, that is why they call it the present."-Master Oogway

Peace be with you.

Yes, a relationship like this is possible, but it may not be with the first person you meet or the first person that you marry.

Life is about learning and most often we learn through the difficulties, challenges and crises that relationships offer us.

So, although we may meet someone we fall in love with, we may not stay with them, but, however that relationship will teach us a lot about ourselves and about relating.

Our modern lives are complex, multifaceted and full of change. To maintain a single relationship that is loving, sexual and constant in the face of this is a great challenge.

The real challenge is to understand yourself and remain true to yourself within this context of complexity. Sometimes it will not be just one person or one relationship that will meet our needs in our lifetime.

Yes it is possible, the key is don't wait for it to come around. Because it will never get here, live your life and enjoy what it has to offer and the man that suits you will come around. Keep in mind though I agree with aj that you will never find the perfect man, however, have patience and you will find somebody perfect for you =)

Yes, it is out there, but you won't know it right away. I believe that it is something that grows within you and your spouse through time together. Personally, I can say that am in love with my spouse, and that my love has grown for her each day. On the opposite, you also can't be afraid to hurt their feelings every once in awhile. Don't hold things in, say what is bother you at the time it happens don't let it fester, because then a small disagreement will turn into an epic argument.

Yes it is possible,my parents met when they were 14 and 15 and just celebrated 40 years married..
My best friend met her husband when they were 12 and 13,they have two children but only married 3 years ago,neither has ever kissed or had sex with anyone else,I love watching them banter and just the connection they have..
For me,my love life is(was) a train wreak.
But at the grand age of 37 I met a man,but the difference this time is me.. I was happy before I met brendan,and he was happy too,so when 2 happy people get together it made such a difference.and to be honest,its magic.