Hi all

Recently (a week and a half ago to be exact) my girlfriend/partner of two and a half years broke up with me. Preceding this, she had moved out a week before after we found out that we were getting kicked out of our apartment in a couple of months. My world has been turned upside down (it was very sudden and unexpected for me), but there are a lot of good things coming out of it too (more on this later).

We were in a very loving relationship right up until the last few weeks. We were both very supportive of each, she had some issues, I had some issues, but we were always there for each other and had got through some tough life-experiences together successfully. We were a really good match. We genuinely loved each other.

I understand some of the problems that caused it, and take responsibility for a lot of them. It's tough but I'm manning up and mentally doing it. I'm still surprised and confused as to some of the reasons though... we haven't talked about it much, and the last time we spoke was at the break up which was pretty emotional.

So to the gist of it. I've been trying to deal with it. Trying to accept it. Trying to understand it. Trying to move on. It was a turning point in my life and has caused a great deal of GOOD changes in me... got a new job after being unemployed for 5 months, started going to the gym each day (which I'm loving), eating very well. Going out with friends and enjoying people's company. Completely got off a certain drug which was controlling my life and holding me back (and feeling great for it).

I'm applying no contact. As I mentioned, we haven't communicated since the break up. This is after living every day together for 2 years, sharing everything with each other, so it's hard for me but I've been strong so far. The problem is that I'm trying REALLY hard to be doing all these good things for myself, but deep inside I know that part of the reason I'm doing them is to get her back.

I've read a lot of threads here and understand that I need to move on and live for myself, that it's very unlikely that we'll get back together. I'm trying to do this. But at the same time I know that once I get my life completely back together, I'm going to want to contact her and show her all the good things that I've done for myself. Hoping that she'll see this and maybe give the relationship another chance. I know in a few weeks I'll call her and ask if we can have coffee so we can catch up and I can try to charm her back.

Is this normal? I want to get over it and not feel this way, but I'm having real trouble getting in the right mindset for it, even with all the positive things I'm doing. I feel so torn between completely severing contact for good and thinking that it's too important to throw away like that.

Heck, I don't really know what I'm asking of you guys even. But if there's any advice to be given it would be appreciated :)

If you read this far, thanks for your patience.

Hi Bigups
Everything your feeling is quite normal in this early stage of the break-up.

It's not easy but you seem to have your head screwed on and understand what you need to do. That's a very positive step compared to so many people who come on here and hang on to false hope for months on end and never get anywhere in their healing process.

There's no secret to getting started with your NC , you simply decide and then take your first step. With each subsequent step, the next one becomes easier..

Good luck and just come back and vent when you need people to talk to , there are many wise heads on here who have been where you are now.

Sounds to me like you're doing really well.

What I've found useful from experience thought is that it's unwise to 'project' too far into the future.

At an emotional time like this, we want, naturally, to know that life has some reason and some security. This is why you're thinking - 'hey, I'll get my s**t together and when she sees me again she won't be able to resist me'.

Feeling torn and upset about what you've lost is natural. So is having mixed feelings about how you should approach your GF in the future.

It's only been a week and a half. You say you're in NC. I'd suggest that you don't contact her until you can think more clearly, and until you're prepared - not to try and get back together - but to talk honestly about the reasons for your break up and to understand what happened.

Try to do things for yourself rather than to impress her, try to give yourself time to reflect on how your actions have created this situation, and, try not to rush the outcome - whatever it may be.

You're making good progress, but I want to isolate one of your statements that sent up a red flag for me -

"But at the same time I know that once I get my life completely back together, I'm going to want to contact her and show her all the good things that I've done for myself."

This is NOT right approach for you right now. You need to focus on getting better for yourself. I know that you want to show her that you've become a better person, but if she wants you back she will contact you first.

'But how will she know if I don't contact her?' That's what you're thinking, right? Look, you know how you checked her myspace/facebook page every 15 minutes or so when you first broke up? You know how you talked to your friends about the situation? Well, she did the same thing, on some level. You are not responsible for letting her know about how much you've improved, and if you try to show her when she's not ready to accept you yet it's just gonna push her away.

She will hear about you, or even seek you out at some point, if she's ever interested in trying something again. But if you try to force it, it's going to show her that you're still insecure and still trying to control the situation (trust me, I've been accused of that enough to know!).

Keep on track (especially with the gym/working out plan, that always really helped me) and improve yourself for yourself, not for her.

~ Tee

Thanks for the comments. It all seems like really good advice. I kind of think that I'm still in the "shock" phase. I'm trying not to make too many life decisions at the moment because I know that even though I'm doing good things, they're being done with a survival instinct rather than rational thoughts. Gee's this stuff is tough, this was my first major relationship of my life (I'm 28) and I simply haven't had to go through this before and don't know how to react.

In regards to your comment Gemini "'hey, I'll get my s**t together and when she sees me again she won't be able to resist me" I honestly don't think that way... sorry if it came off like that. I honestly doubt she'll come back to me and have never had the confidence to think that anyone couldn't resist me. It's just that faint glimmer of hope that allows me to stay positive at times and helps me along with the things that I'm doing (by the way, hello to a fellow Victorian! I'm a Melbournite and love this city :) )

I removed her from my Facebook as soon as we broke up so I haven't been checking her page. I have the horrible feeling that she'll be saying "yay i'm so glad that I'm single now" or even worse "i'm now seeing another guy who is better and making me happy" which would hurt so much more. So I guess that's one of the reasons no contact is recommended for the healing process.

I went out tonight to try and have fun... but it back-fired and now I'm home feeling drunk and pathetic and alone. I'm going to have to learn how to live my life again without her, and can tell it's going to to be a long road. Not trying to fish for sympathy here just venting a bit as friend4u178 recommended. Oh well it's nice to put this down in words and my next post will probably be at least sober so not sound so stupid! I'm off to bed. Good night and thanks again for the advice.

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Originally Posted by BigUps

I removed her from my facebook as soon as we broke up so I haven't been checking her page. I have the horrible feeling that she'll be saying "yay i'm so glad that I'm single now" or even worse "i'm now seeing another guy who is better and making me happy" which would hurt so much more. So I guess thats one of the reasons why no contact is recommended for the healing process.

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I know it's hard to accept yourself right now, but you need to realize that a breakup is never one person's fault. It takes two people to form a relationship, and it takes two people to end it. Stop blaming yourself for everything that went wrong and realize that you don't need to be in a relationship with her, or with anyone. Learn to be happy with yourself and your life as it is, or improve your own life to your satisfaction. Check the "List of things to do after a break up" for a few ideas.

If she does realize that she's happy to be single, or is happy with another man, no big deal. She's going on with her life, and you need to do the same. It's not about "playing it cool to get her back." You need to focus on your own life right now and forget about hers.

I know it's hard. I'm literally in that position right now, but you have to realize your own self-worth and take control of your own life.

~ Tee

Sorry for your loss, please read the stickies. Don't put your life on hold waiting for her to come around because she most likely will not be coming around.

You are definitely on the right path, all you need now is more time doing everything you've been doing since the break up. After a week and a half I still wasn't able to sleep properly or eat a whole meal so it sounds like you are definitely taking big steps here.

One thing you need to keep in mind is that you need to maintain NC no matter what and try to come into terms with the idea of her not coming back. This will also help you with the idea of doing all those things to get her back. You should really be thinking that you are doing all those things for yourself. You are going through an emotional rollercoaster at the moment but things will get better and you will learn to live your life without her. As long as you have the will to get through this it will all work out for you.

Your doing good for yourself, and I'm almost positive, when you do get your act together, you will remember how she left when the going got tough.

So today I found out that it was likely she cheated on me a few weeks before we broke up (I didn't find out through contact with her FYI). This is something that has been on the back of my mind but hasn't been something I put much thought into as I saw it as being very unlikely.

It fills some of the holes in my confusion around the break up. Makes things make a little more sense.

Its extremely painful and I'm running the gamut of emotions... I cried for a good hour by myself earlier today. But I think this is going to actually help me with keeping up the no contact. Maybe help with the entire process. Now along with the sadness and grief and loss I'm feeling a good bit of anger.

At the moment I don't feel like I want to contact her, even when I've got my life back together fully. I want her to come crawling back to me at some point in the future, see what she's missing, and then shoot her down and tell her to f**k off. I still take responsibility for some of the reasons of the breakup, but hey life is a learning experience and now I know not to do those things again in my next relationship.

I'm sure my emotions will change again, maybe tomorrow I won't feel like this, maybe next week, whatever. But I genuinely think this anger is going to help me get through it.

I'm still really uncertain and scared about my future but at least it will be my future, and hopefully it won't have unfaithful cheating hairy sluts in it. Maybe I'm naïve but I hope there is such a thing as true love and I can eventually find it in someone else.

It sounds like you are in the throes of the emotions of grief. Right now anger is overriding everything else. Give yourself time and attention to get over it and to cycle through all of the feelings you have while continuing to move forward. 3.5 weeks is NOT a long time... you will be feeling things for a while to come. Just don't act out in anger or shut yourself off in hurt. Know that it's a process and you need to go through it but you WILL come out on the other side. Be good to you!

Well just an update here. The strong anger I was feeling when I last posted has been fading. Guess there really are "phases" to this stuff. The grief and sadness is still there and some days it's still very very hard and have been trying to take it an hour at a time to get through. Also some days are better, especially when I've been out doing something fun with good friends.

I was made redundant from my professional job a while back and still looking in a very tough job market. I can't wait to start working again as it will keep me busy and give me quite a bit of self-respect and dignity back that this situation has taken away from me. Went to two interviews last week for a job at a big bank so wish me luck with it!

I've had a great deal of anxiety over this whole period. Heart beating too fast, sweating, shaking, that kind of thing. I'm sure it's not the same for everyone, it's something that I've had problems with in the past. Just wanted to chip in something that I've found helped with the anxiety... herbal tea! A cup of hot peppermint tea is really relaxing and warms you up inside which is a great feeling (it's almost winter here in Australia). If anyone is feeling anxious, give it a shot. Certainly better than coffee which I find just makes me more jittery.

Thanks for the suggestions on the tea BigUps, though, I live down in south Texas so you can imagine the heat and humidity during the day. Congrats on your professional job, hope to see you do well when time passes.

Don't worry man, all this pain and suffering will make us stronger in the long run.

To be a great fighter you need to overcome great obstacles. Well, guess what... we're in luck.

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Originally Posted by ajGambino

Don't worry man, all this pain and suffering will make us stronger in the long run.

To be a great fighter you need to overcome great obstacles. Well, guess what...we're in luck.

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That's very true and it's hard to hold onto (or even care about) when you're in great pain. But the only way out is through and when you come out on the other side you will know that you are a stronger and better person. Tough to hear when you're in the thick of it but hang in there. You're doing great!

It seems like you were in a rut and now your out. I'd say keep going. You'll find someone that appreciates your determination in self-improvement.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

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I'm still really uncertain and scared about my future but at least it will be my future, and hopefully it won't have unfaithful cheating hairy sluts in it. Maybe I'm naïve but I hope there is such a thing as true love and I can eventually find it in someone else.

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Sums up my thoughts on my recently-ended relationship as well (except the hairy part.. ). You're going to be going through a lot, including anger, but harboring that resentment for long won't be beneficial. Trust me.

You had a terrible trauma. Anyone who is traumatized and deals with it alone suffers personality and emotional setbacks. Overcoming trauma is exceedingly difficult and you are committed to doing that.

You have been through a lot. We all deserve a partner who can support us and be there for us and understand when we are not being our best because terrible things have happened.

A good and loving partner is what you deserve. This person is not it. He can't handle it. That doesn't mean he's a horrible person but you deserve so much more.

Celebrate you instead of trying to prove to him that you're changing back to who you were. Give yourself INCREDIBLE amounts of credit for being a survivor and being willing to THRIVE after such horrible events.

He doesn't appreciate the wonderful resilient person you are. I hope you find someone who does. Forget him. Go on and be good to you.

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Originally Posted by snow124

Sorry to hear about your situation.


Sums up my thoughts on my recently-ended relationship as well (except the hairy part...?). You're going to be going through a lot, including anger, but harboring that resentment for long won't be beneficial. Trust me.

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Well, not like a monkey or anything, but certain parts could have been trimmed a little more often.. ;)

And yeah as I mentioned in the previous post, the anger is already fading and I know it won't be something that consumes me. Am a bit concerned though with the anger going that it will make no contact harder to maintain. It's still a daily battle... just over two weeks now. I'm sure others in the situation feel the same but isn't it weird how two weeks literally feels like 6 months or more... the mind sure is a funny thing.

Thinking about it can hurt you or help you. Remember, she left YOU and she ran because things got a little out of control. Shows how committed she was and you should constantly think about how you tried and she fled. Think about her as she gives it, a coward unable to hold true to you and herself.

You deserve better, she lost something she will never find again my friend. It's her loss, not yours.

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Originally Posted by BigUps

Well just an update here. The strong anger I was feeling when I last posted has been fading. Guess there really are "phases" to this stuff.

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I've posted this before but there are basically 5 stages in the break-up process. Not the same for everyone but as a Rule this is generally how it works.

The 5 Stages of Grief - Coping with the Loss of your Partner

1.Denial - The "No, not me" stage.

This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. If your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door. If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she will change her mind.

2.Anger/Resentment - The "Why me?" stage.

Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain.

3. Bargaining - The "If I do this, you'll do that" stage.

You try to negotiate to change the situation. You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you'll stay I'll change" etc.

4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.

You realize the situation isn't going to change. The break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgement of the situation often bring depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation.

5. Acceptance - The "This is what happened" stage.

Though you haven't forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.

I broke no contact tonight after a month. Yes, I'm pretty weak :(

I called her and we had a casual chat, just caught up with how each other are going.

I didn't sound needy or desperate to her or try to get back with her. I did ask if we could catch up for a coffee, and she said yes, but not yet... maybe in a couple of months. That hurt.

I've just been feeling very lonely lately, even after a month of no contact and going out with friends a lot etc. I've got almost everything else in my life in order now (each factor was in a pretty bad state before the breakup)... good job, new apartment, starting to study again part time, still going to the gym regularly and no weed since the breakup. None of this is helping with the loneliness though.

Maybe I'm still in the "depression" stage. It's still impossible to think that I'll find anyone I like half as much as I liked her. I go out and just don't feel interested in any other girls.

Thanks for listening to me rant and sorry for the bump for this old post.

Keep on moving ahead and keep doing what you have been doing so far and stay NC. Seeing her will only make things worse for you and take you back to square one, hurt and confused. With time things will change

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I go out and just don't feel interested in any other girls.

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I had this problem once, and what I did was just see them as people, and not try to impress them for romantic interests.

It was easy, as instead of dinner date, we went as a group to the bowling alley, not as a date, but people having fun.

Groups, as opposed to individuals. ( love beach volley ball by the way )

Once I started to have fun, I really moved forward. Hope this helps.

First kuddos on getting your life in order and doing well for yourself. Well now that you know a little more truth about what led up to her breaking up with you sounds like it changes a lot of things as far as getting her to come back.

Its true you may change your mind and feel differently about telling her to f*** off. But just remember she broke up with you AND cheated. How could you trust her again? Not only with cheating but the fact that when the "going got rough' she up and left. Concentrate on your life. Sounds like your doing a really good job so far, don't let her be the first thought in your mind because obviously your not her first thought. As time goes on the feelings of pain will go away. Just give it time.

You are doing great and your life is coming together very well, don't expect the feelings you have for her to be gone overnight it will take time, but you are definelty on the right track. When you are emotionally ready you will begin to peak an interest in other girls soon enough, so enjoy this time you have by yourself by getting to know you again.

Thanks for the kind words :) I think I was a bit naïve and still in shock when I started fixing all the other things in my life, thinking that once they were in order I'd be all better and healed. I'm quite proud of where I've come in only 50 days though. Feels like about a year! I still think about her a lot, hopefully this goes away in time.

I moved into my new apartment last weekend and it was so tough when I was packing up, finding old notes from her saying "I love you", pictures of us, things she'd gotten me. I cried once when I found and read a letter she'd sent me from overseas. At least that's out of the way now.

I had a dream this morning just before I woke up that we got back together... woke up and was alone and it was really horrible :( Damn you subconscious!

Man BigUps,

I am in a similar situation and can feel with you. Mate, you are doing a good job so far. I am also trying to fight against my weakness of contacting her... I applied NC for the last 5 weeks and it is harsh on me... some days are easy and some days are difficult. My issue is, that I never got the chance to speak my mind after the break-up. That bites me in the currently.

But I also realise that I'm getting better, I'm healing a bit, slowly but surely I'm trying to build up my life again without her. Just as you seem to do.
I also feel that I do many things for "her" and show her that I'm not the kind of man she perceives me to be. I know it won't change her mind, so I'm trying to do it for myself...

It will hurt for long... but it will only hurt for as long as I allow to...

Hang in there, mate and take good care of yourself. Embrace your emotions and give them a chance to be expressed. Don't swallow down but don't bath in them either. Give them a certain amount of time every day. It's easy spoke, I know myself. But having it in the head is the first step to acting like it, too...

It hasn't been that long, really. Grief is a process and you're still in the middle of it. Getting over it isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Take time and be good to you and be okay with where you are even if you're not as far along as you'd like to be.

So on Saturday I'm going on my first "date" since the breakup. I'm really nervous as I haven't been on a first "date" with someone for 3 years.

I'm using quotation marks because I don't even know if it is a date, or she's interested in me at all. We're just going to have a coffee and maybe some lunch together. I met her briefly a few weeks ago and it's the first time I've felt interested in anyone since all this stuff happened with the end of my old relationship. We exchanged email addresses and have been emailing each other for the last couple of weeks and seem to have a fair bit in common. I'm really looking forward to meeting up again and thinking about this new person has certainly taken my mind of the ex to some extent.

I'm a bit worried though that it's still too soon. The pain from all the break-up stuff has eased somewhat. I still think about the ex a fair bit but it's not as fresh as previously. If something develops here I just don't want it to be a rebound thing. Is three months long enough for me to not be in the rebound stage?

So a question to you lovely people. If she asks me about previous relationships or I can't tiptoe around the fact I was living with my ex until recently, will it sound like its too soon and I'm still getting over the ex? I don't want to lie but at the same time don't want to to scare her off by giving the impression that I'm not over the previous relationship.

Err yeah and any other tips for someone getting out for the first time after a long term relationship ended would be appreciated :) If the lunch goes OK is it all right to invite her out for dinner?? I'm 28, I know I should know this stuff, but that's why I'm asking here because I'm too embarrassed to ask my friends!

There's no rules or magic pills, but

Talaniman Rule- Have a lot of fun, getting to know new people, whether it be friends, or romance.

Just don't get carried away by success. and don't let be put of if its not a successful, as you hoped. its about the enjoyment, as dating has to be better than not, isn't it?

Just take things slow and don't rush/push into to anything.

As far as past relationships, if the subject comes up (it shouldn't because it's a first date and neither of you want to seem like your hung up on an ex), just be honest. It's always best to be honest about things, especially if you are looking for something to grow. It's best not build that on a shaky foundation of lies and secrets.

Tips for the first date:

1. DO NOT BRING UP THE EX!

2. Dress comfortably

3. DO NOT BRING UP THE EX!

4. Be courteous and respectful. Get the door for her. When you pick her up, walk up to her door, don't wait in the car. Be polite to her and others.

5. If the subject of past relationships is brought up, be honest about things, but only answer the questions directly... don't go elaborating on anything, because you it will seem like you're still hung up on her. Try to keep the conversation on that topic short and change the subject.

6. Pump yourself up before you leave your house. Just like how football players talk to themselves in the locker room before the game, do the same thing. It will help boost your confidence and she will notice.

7. Go out WITHOUT any expectations. The higher they are, the harder you fall when they aren't met.

8. Work in some humor. Don't try to hard at this, but throughout your conversation, bust some corny remarks that will make her laugh.

9. Be yourself. Don't put on a front and act like someone you're not. She didn't want to go out with an actor, she wants to go out with the real you.

10. HAVE FUN! Try not to over think the situation and get yourself worked up and
Nervous. If something doesn't go right, roll with it and let it go. Both of you will be nervous. Be the one to set the tone of the evening. Calm and cool.

11. Don't worry about moments of silence during lunch/dinner... you have to eat and chew your food at some point. Just let everything flow naturally and remember, she can start different conversation too.

12. Listen to her. This will give you information about her that you can talk about. The less pressure you feel about getting to know her, the better.

Conversation topics: These are some general, safe topics, to discuss on a first date

Family/Friends, hobbies, interests, goals, aspirations, travels, funny stories, movies, books, education goals/opportunities, achievements (don't brag), childhood memories you may both share (favorite TV shows, toys, other things), current events (light subjects), favorite TV shows, favorite hangouts, favorite activities.

During the conversation, tell her something (at least one thing) special about yourself that makes you unique among the other people she knows. Hopefully this will come out naturally, but if it doesn't don't force it.

Conversation topics to avoid (first date): General topics to avoid... depending on the person, unless you like living dangerously.

Politics, religion, past relationships, work (boring although good to know), sensitive family issues, sensitive issues from the past, school (can also be boring, but good to know), financial matters, gross and disgusting topics (bathroom humor, sexual jokes, any other topics along these lines), stereotypical remarks, marriage and kids, death.

I can't think of anything else. Hopefully this will get you started!

Good luck. Let us know how things went!

Have fun on your date and tried to plan something fun. On first dates I hate the normal dinning out thing or catching a movie then dining out thing.

I like to go rollerskating, play laser tag, bowling, paintballing, even miniature golf is okay, and the list goes on and on.

No matter where you go or what the two of you do--be yourself. Don't try/pretend to be something your not. Keep things light and have fun because that is what it's about.

Since you asked (JM) and spent the time to give me some great advice, just wanted to to say it went pretty well. I had fun and I think she did too. We have some stuff in common and seem to get along well so I'm going to call her in a couple of days to see if she'd like to do something next weekend! :)

Awesome man! I'm glad everything went well! If your feeling good about how things went and are interested in moving things along, definitely get that second date!!

Don't wait too long. I wouldn't wait any longer than 2 days to call and make plans. That way you don't see desperate, but you don't seem uninterested either. BTW, when you call her, don't chit chat too much. Save that for the date. Make the plans and then politely end the call.