My ex and I are both 21, we grew up together since the age of 7, our families are good friends, plus before we got together we all used to hang around together, so we have the same friends. We started going out when we were 18, he was more into me at first, and it was brilliant, then something made me change my mind so we broke up, then I realized I did really love him and he was what I wanted, and it took me 3 - 4 months to get him back, and when I did he was`nt trating me right, id drop everything for him because I was scared of losing him again, so we split up again for another 4 months, then got back together and have been together this time for 1 1/2 years, its been a rough ride, like he would get down and split up with me for a week or so, then we would get back together. But for the last month and half we have sorted our probs out and both grown up ( or so I thought) and we have been getting on brilliantly, but all of a sudden about 3 weeks ago, he said to me he wanted to split up because he needed to sort himself out and focus on his new job and his life before he can focus on anything else. He says he still loves me and says he just needs to figure things out, how do I get him back?

You must like rollercoasters cause that is just what it sounds like. I wonder how brilliantly this relationship was going if it led to ANOTHER break-up. I think you should leave him alone and give him all the space he needs and you look honestly at your life. Ask yourself if this is a life you are enjoying and if you even have a life without him. If not, now would be a excellent time to get a life that you enjoy, for your sake.

If you really want to get him back then you need to back away and be willing to possibly lose him forever. This may sound ironic but if anything will work, this will. Get on with your life and do the things you like and want to do, both with others (not him) and yourself. Take a vacation, take a class, read a series of books on a topic you've always wanted to know more about, join a dance club. The list goes on and on. Be willing to live your life without him and be able to enjoy your life just as much without him as with him. There's a powerful psychology involved here. Once he sees that you don't need him and may well be losing you forever, this may very well light a fire under him and get him coming back to you if it's meant to be. Do not contact him ; no e-mails, no phone calls, no IM, nothing. Delete his number from your cell phone, delete his e-mail address and delete his screen name. If you happen to run into each other in public, keep it short and sweet with the customary "Hi, how are you? Good to see you. Well, I've got to run. See you later." Even if you don't, fake it. This is your best bet for maybe eventually getting him back and also setting yourself up for fulfilling future encounters if you don't.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

If you really want to get him back then you need to back away and be willing to possibly lose him forever. This may sound ironic but if anything will work, this will. Get on with your life and do the things you like and want to do, both with others (not him) and yourself. Take a vacation, take a class, read a series of books on a topic you've always wanted to know more about, join a dance club. The list goes on and on. Be willing to live your life without him and be able to enjoy your life just as much without him as with him. There's a powerful psychology involved here. Once he sees that you don't need him and may well be losing you forever, this may very well light a fire under him and get him coming back to you if it's meant to be. Do not contact him ; no e-mails, no phone calls, no IM, nothing. Delete his number from your cell phone, delete his e-mail address and delete his screen name. If you happen to run into each other in public, keep it short and sweet with the customary "Hi, how are you? Good to see you. Well, I've got to run. See you later." Even if you don't, fake it. This is your best bet for maybe eventually getting him back and also setting yourself up for fulfilling future encounters if you don't.

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Will this really work? Has anyone on here ever got someone back trying this? It makes total sense I'm just curious if it's ever worked for anyone on this forum. Because it's so hard to not contact someone you care so much about.

YES - it works - but people usuall yscrew it up.

DURING THAT TIME - YOU MUST work on yourself - improve yourself. Work on you.

Figure out what pushed him/her away.

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Originally Posted by rockne

Will this really work? Has anyone on here ever got someone back trying this? It makes total sense I'm just curious if it's ever worked for anyone on this forum. Because it's so hard to not contact someone you care so much about.

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In Western cultures we are seldom raised to control our emotions.

Our strong and wild emotions sometimes run counter to the instinctive and wiser voice inside us that is there to preserve our happiness, sanity and the qaulity of our lives.

We need to start listening to our instincts, that quite voice that says... just be calm and play it cool.

There is however a difference between control and supression.

-- Just my 2 cents

I think it makes logical sense to cut back communication with someone you split with. But when one person wants the other person back it becomes extremely difficult. It's good advice, but hard to do.

I was just curious if this has worked for anyone, I'd like to hear the details.

It only works if there was real love from BOTH SIDES. If one person killed their love for the other, or never did love the other, there is no second chance.

This has worked for me... only thing is that I did such a good job of sorting myself out that I wasn't interested in him any more...

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Originally Posted by starryeyed

this has worked for me... only thing is that i did such a good job of sorting myself out that i wasn't interested in him any more...

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So after time you lost interest in him, but he came around and would've gone back to you? Did you simply cut off communication all together?

It's worked for me twice.

Samething happened to me on one - I ended up not wanting them back - realised the bad... how screwed up that person was and how screwed up my life would have been.

People usually screw this up big time.

Or the other person was just a bad person - user.

The no contact period shouldn't be used simply as some ploy to 'win' someone back. That is naïve and plain stupid. This period should be used to work out what went wrong. What part you played in it. How you can make yourself better so if you get back together the same thing won't happen again.

I don't like the word 'win' being used. You shouldn't have to win someone's love. You have to EARN it.
So in the no contact time you have to work on yourself. Really think long and hard not just about yourself but your partner. Are they good for you. Is it going to work a second time.

And then maybe, but the chances are slim, you may be able to earn that persons love and respect again.
Don't just think you can cut all contact and they will love you again and you will live happily ever after. This may work initially but it will only be temporary as the same thing will happen again because no one has changed.
Someone needs to change in order for people to get back together successfully.

Sadly, in this instance fayew21 I don't see anyone changing. You two are acting like teeneagers breaking up and getting back together all the time. Why do you want to continue this.

I think it is time to move on! The both of you need to stop messing with each other and realise that it isn't meant to be!

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Originally Posted by rockne

Will this really work? Has anyone on here ever got someone back trying this? It makes total sense I'm just curious if it's ever worked for anyone on this forum. Because it's so hard to not contact someone you care so much about.

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Actually I've experienced this twice in my life, although I didn't purposely do it as I was to naïve to know what was going on. Once after a two year relationship my girlfriend dumped me and of course she wanted to be friends but I was so hurt that I didn't want to talk to her. So I didn't but I worked with her so I saw her daily. I did not work on myself as I did not realize I should have been doing that but after 3 or 4 months she called me on my birthday and offered to take me out. We dated for another 6 months before she cheated on me and I finally ended it for good. Looking back I should have played harder to get and I would give that advice to anybody else here.

How hard is it to remember who you are and not how much in loooooove you are? So many have come here after making a life around another person that they forget who they were before this love thang happened. It is dangerous to put someone so high on the pedestal that you become a disgusting shadow of the person you were before you attracted that person in the first place. Not only do you stop growing with this behavior, you become dependent on some one else for you to be happy. Not a very healthy place to be at all.

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Originally Posted by fayew21

my ex and i are both 21, we grew up together since the age of 7, our families are good friends, plus before we got together we all used to hang around togehter, so we have the same friends. We started going out when we was 18, he was more into me at first, and it was brilliant, then something made me change my mind so we broke up, then i realized i did really love him and he was what i wanted, and it took me 3 - 4 months to get him back, and when i did he was`nt trating me right, id drop everything for him because i was scared of loosing him again, so we split up again for another 4 months, then got back together and have been together this time for 1 1/2 years, its been a rough ride, like he would get down and split up with me for a week or so, then we wud get back together. But for the last month and half we have sorted our probs out and both grown up ( or so i thought) and we have been gettin on brilliantly, but all of a sudden bout 3 weeks ago, he said to me he wanted to split up because he needed to sort himself out and focus on his new job and his life before he can focus on anything else. He says he still loves me and says he just needs to figure things out, how do i get him back??

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From past experience I found always textin and phonin them makes them get anoyed and run away. My ex xtarted to hate me because I was always textin and it did his head in one of his mates told me a few months later that he was going to get back with me but thout I was a nutter because wudnt leave him alone. You have got more chance of getting him back if you don't tex at all then he will wonder why you haven't and tex you do not tex back strait away don't let him think your life revolves round him. If he thinks you over him then he soon be running back
Hope it works out for you

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

It's worked for me twice.

Samething happened to me on one - I ended up not wanting them back - realised the bad.....how screwed up that person was and how screwed up my life would have been.

People usually screw this up big time.

Or the other person was just a bad person - user.

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Here is my point EXACTLY!

It seems that neither time that it "worked" did it amount to a very sustainable relationship, did it?

In fact, it sounds like you are almost sorry it did work. Now that is what I see happening often in the world when ex's reunite, precisely that. Lots of regret. That regret should be really considered when talking about how all this works for getting someone back because the big picture in the real world says getting an ex back and living happily ever after is almost non-existent, truth be told here. If that were so possible, we would be hearing right here at AMHD all about it from those who experienced that. Or you would be hearing about it from your friends too.

You know what , I was in something like that , I was with my ex off and on for about 4 years he says he still loves me and everything but he just needs time to think about everything , well your just making more pain for yourself, my ex treated me bad , I llost all my friends and you.. when we started ging back out the last time it was only 3months in again and I broke things because I realized that I wanted something different something that wasn't on and off, and nothing that was going to hurt me anymore because it does bring you down more and more each time... turst yourself if you have any thought about not going back with him then don't.. even if you love the guy, doesn't make it different it will still be the same, just take time to yourself and not see him for about a week and maybe then because after a week away from my ex I realized I need bette and no games, and maybe you need time to think what YOU want...

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Originally Posted by Skell

And then maybe, but the chances are slim, you may be able to earn that persons love and respect again.
Dont just think you can cut all contact and they will love you again and you will live happily ever after. this may work initially but it will only be temporary as the same thing will happen again because no one has changed.
Someone needs to change in order for people to get back together successfully.

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I completely agree with this. It is tough to face up to this but I sincerely believe that the chances of successful reconciliation are slim even if we do adopt a more productive way to change things through a period of no contact. Doing no contact to hope to win the ex back is foolish. It may possibly make them miss you but won't change why things broke in the first place and it certainly won't make them love you any more if they did not love you in the first place.

It is broken for a reason and that is why it ended. Letting go is so hard but by doing so, we can begin our journey to finding a better relationship with someone who we can fulfill emotionally and spiritually and vice versa. Skell is right, the only chance of a successful reconciliation between two people is serious changes and focus on why things ended in a break-up or better still, an agreed separation (as val points out) in the first place.

<<. If that were so possible, we would be hearing right here at AMHD all about it from those who experienced that. Or you would be hearing about it from your friends too.
>>

Well I guess most of those people are not on amhd anymore!
Well I do know several cases in fact, where people broke up and got back together and are now either having babies or getting maried together.
I've been to 2 weddings this year where they broke up for a brief period.. my previous colleage broke up with his girl for 3 months, no contact nothing and then she sent him a letter and they met and 2 years later they got back together and having baby now. My guitar teacher also broke up for 4 months and they are married since 3 years with 2 kids .One of my friends husbands decided he needed a life alone and they broke up for a year she got together with someone else and they broke up and then after a year the husband came back and they are happy now . So there are many many cases..

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Originally Posted by fayew21

my ex and i are both 21, we grew up together since the age of 7, our families are good friends, plus before we got together we all used to hang around togehter, so we have the same friends. We started going out when we was 18, he was more into me at first, and it was brilliant, then something made me change my mind so we broke up, then i realized i did really love him and he was what i wanted, and it took me 3 - 4 months to get him back, and when i did he was`nt trating me right, id drop everything for him because i was scared of loosing him again, so we split up again for another 4 months, then got back together and have been together this time for 1 1/2 years, its been a rough ride, like he would get down and split up with me for a week or so, then we wud get back together. But for the last month and half we have sorted our probs out and both grown up ( or so i thought) and we have been gettin on brilliantly, but all of a sudden bout 3 weeks ago, he said to me he wanted to split up because he needed to sort himself out and focus on his new job and his life before he can focus on anything else. He says he still loves me and says he just needs to figure things out, how do i get him back??

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To get your boyfriend back you should just let him figure out himself and if it is meant to be he will come back to you.

Signed
polostar

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Originally Posted by rol

<<. If that were so possible, we would be hearing right here at AMHD all about it from those who experienced that. Or you would be hearing about it from your friends too.
>>

well i guess most of those people are not on amhd anymore!
well i do know several cases in fact, where people broke up and got back together and are now either having babies or getting maried together.
ive been to 2 weddings this year where they broke up for a brief period..my previous colleage broke up with his girl for 3 months, no contact nothing and then she sent him a letter and they met and 2 years later they got back together and having baby now. My guitar teacher also broke up for 4 months and they are married since 3 years with 2 kids .One of my friends husbands decided he needed a life alone and they broke up for a year she got together with someone else and they broke up and then after a year the husband came back and they are happy now . So there are many many cases..

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My point was more about... without them posting here it's a bit difficult to either confirm it (no offense meant about what you are claiming) or ask and therefore learn what there was specifically about it that made it work for them, isn't it Rol?

Yes exactly.. maybe ill try and get one of them to post.

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Originally Posted by rol

yes exactly..maybe ill try and get one of them to post.

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That would be a great idea. The more the merrier here -- one of our strengths here is the variety of viewpoints offered on any given topic!

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Originally Posted by chuff

Actually I've experienced this twice in my life, although I didn't purposely do it as I was to naive to know what was going on. Once after a two year relationship my girlfriend dumped me and of course she wanted to be friends but I was so hurt that I didn't want to talk to her. So I didn't but I worked with her so I saw her daily. I did not work on myself as I did not realize I should have been doing that but after 3 or 4 months she called me on my birthday and offered to take me out. We dated for another 6 months before she cheated on me and I finally ended it for good. Looking back I should have played harder to get and I would give that advice to anybody else here.

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That all sounds horrible chuff, sorry to hear about that... Its no wonder you give such great advice..

Comes with wisdom and experience.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

That all sounds horrible chuff, sorry to hear about that....Its no wonder you give such great advice..

Comes with wisdom and experience.

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Yeah that first woman was my first "true" love. Funny thing was I never really wanted to go out with her which is probably why we wound up together. She chased me for probably 6 months and I just had no interest in her, which looking back makes me think about Wildcat's advice of "they like to work for it." She definitely did because the truth was I could've cared less at the beginning. But I finally came around so much that I gave her all my power by the end of the relationship. I get it now. I never figured it out back then. The last real time we were together she threw a phone at me at work which almost resulted in getting her arrested. But that's another story for another post.

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Originally Posted by chuff

Yeah that first woman was my first "true" love. Funny thing was I never really wanted to go out with her which is probably why we wound up together. She chased me for probably 6 months and I just had no interest in her, which looking back makes me think about Wildcat's advice of "they like to work for it." She definately did because the truth was I could've cared less at the beginning. But I finally came around so much that I gave her all my power by the end of the relationship. I get it now. I never figured it out back then. The last real time we were together she threw a phone at me at work which almost resulted in getting her arrested. But that's another story for another post.

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Yeah there definitely needs to be a good push pull deal, a sharing of power, with outside interests, a kind of cosmic balance to it. Some personal mettle in it too so that each of you can weather the occasional f--- you that slips out in those heated negotiations that undoubtedly have to occur in order to figure out how to share the sock drawer. An interdependency that is neither too close nor too far apart. And nobody gets any of it right... right off the bat. First loves are the worst of it, no doubt. I wonder sometimes in my stranger moments about stuff like at this very minute what percentage of all relationships are presently first loves, what is their average length of endurance and how many have or will result in a lifelong relationship worldwide in my lifetime-- food for thought, eh?

And I think sometimes people forget that women participate in dishing out physical abuse too. More than most might think even.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

I wonder sometimes in my stranger moments about stuff like at this very minute what percentage of all relationships are presently first loves, what is their average length of endurance and how many have or will result in a lifelong relationship worldwide in my lifetime-- food for thought, eh?

And I think sometimes people forget that women participate in dishing out physical abuse too. More than most might think even.

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Yeah I've wondered about that first love thing before too. Like some couples were high school sweathearts that lasted a lifetime and I think to myself how did that happen? What are the odds? When you think about how people change from high school to just the age or 25 then to 40 or 50 then to 70 it's sort of mind boggling to find someone that you could spend the rest of you life with in high school.

Although not a relationship, I ran into my best friend from high school when I was probably 25 or 26 at a gas station. We had lunch, exchanged numbers and never called one another. We just had changed into two different people in that 7 or 8 year period. I just can't figure out how couples can continue to be together from teenage years onto senior citizens.

As for that phone thing... actually I'll post that in a new topic.

<<I wonder sometimes in my stranger moments about stuff like at this very minute what percentage of all relationships are presently first loves, what is their average length of endurance and how many have or will result in a lifelong relationship worldwide in my lifetime-- food for thought, eh?>>

I wonder about that also... my brother has been with his first love since age 18 and got married 3 years ago, he is now 32 and they seem very happy. Also my cousin has been with his first love since 17 and is now 34!

<<I just can't figure out how couples can continue to be together from teenage years onto senior citizens.
>>

Exactly.I wonder the same... as I changed so much also. Or is what we want when we are 18 really what we want for life? Maybe it's the 20s that change everything as most people want to be free and at that time seem to go for the wrong types.

I'm in exactly the same position as you to be honest... my boyfriend of nearly 5 years has ended our relationship about a month ago... im devastated. Things weren't brilliant, we had our up and downs in the past but lately I've put up with so much crap from him! He's been out all the time, not spending any proper time with me and not coming in until 7 am and not letting me know what he's doing... I tried so hard, because I knew he was going through a bad patch, things weren't good with his parents, and money, etc... but then he calle dit a day with me. He said he loves me - which I know he does, but he said he needs time on his own... I don't get it though because I love him so much! And if he loved me like he says he does, surely he would want to be with me?

I know what your going through, just show him how much you love him, that's what I'm doing... he knows deep down he's throwing something good away - and I bet your ex does to. We don't deserve it

I know so many people who have stayed together with their first loves. So strange!! The oldest couple I know are now in their 80's and they met just before the second world war at 17 ish. I tell you though there was a lot of sleeping around at that time to!! Human beings (the speicies) remain the same, its just the times which change.

You have to ask yourself "do I have a future with him?' Sounds like you are allowing him to control your life. Your happiness seems to be dependent on which way the wind is blowing this day. Cut this guy loose, start dating others, and this time don't take him back unless he shows up with a ring.

Well, I would ask him to dinner. Then if he says no, the you ask him why. Then you tell him how much you love and miss him, and need him. Then if he still says no, then you hang up the phone and wait a week before you contact him again. Then you text him with message that you have met someone else and will be moving on, even if you haven't. Then you will find out how he really feels about you, but if he says he just wanted a break, not for you to go out, then tell him fine, but when he decides to come back he can let you know, and if you're still available, you will consider it. These tactics usually only have short term results, but that's OK, cause you will probably have many boyfriends before you meet the right one.. You're only 21, so give yourself a chance to live first.