Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend had a baby with another man

Girlfriend had a baby with another man

Hi everyone... so this is where my story begins I've been dating my girlfriend for 7 months I love her to death I have never loved any woman like I do her. 2 days ago she was having horrible cramps... she went to the hospital and didn't call me for a day... she called this morning crying telling me that she had a baby and was putting it up for adoption(not because of me) for financial reasons... she never knew she was pregnant until she went to the hospital because of the cramps when she went they told her she was pregnant and ready to deliver the baby(I did not know about any of this until this morning... we live in different states)... This baby is not mine and was made before her relationship with me... but I still feel betrayed and hurt and I don't know how to feel about the situation or what to do. I want to talk to her and be there for her but I don't want to hear anything about the baby does that make me a selfish person? I do want to be with her but I don't know if I can handle the fact that she has a baby with another man... anyone who can help is appreciated... thank you:(

Well... the baby is her decision. And you really cannot punish her for the relationship she had before you.

And it does happen on occasion that a woman will not know she's pregnant. Not all women are regular, and some have weight fluctuations anyway. Doesn't mean she didn't cover it up, but it doesn't sound that way.

If you care about her and believe her, you need to realize this situation is mostly about her, not you. Having a baby from another relationship in no way makes her less worthy of affection and love. I have a son with my wife and a daughter who is from her previous relationship. That my wife had an unplanned pregnancy before me has nothing to do with her being worthy of love.

Now... should you be a little screwed up about this. Absolutely. Big shocker. But there's no way you can shift the feelings to blame her or punish her for anything.

Ah Dude - this baby WAS made while you were in a relationship.

Seriously - WHEN was the last time you saw this women?

IF the last 2 months you would have known she was pregnant. I think she has known for A LONG TIME SHE WAS PREGNANT.

Here's the DEAL and REALITY - she lied and cheated on you. Babies take 9 months to deliver - sounds like she was seeing someone else - baby came early.

AGAIN - when was the last time oyu saw her?? This doesn't sound like a relationship at all... maybe a fantasy on your part.

"she never knew she was pregnant until she went to the hospital" - that's really funny - dude - wake up!! You just don't have a baby out of the blue.

My advice... no more long distance realtionships. Find a gal in your area you can see every day.

Babies don't happen over night. Women don't become pregnant one day and have a baby the next.

I agree that most women show and know when they are pregnant, at least in the latter stages. When that baby drops, usually its hard to not know. And really after 6 mo, its usually hard not to know. My wife didn't really start showing until about 5 mo in, and even until she was 6-7 it could have been attributed to weight gain had she not known.

The last few months, you could absolutely tell. But there ARE cases where the woman does not know. If your girlfriend is slender at all, I'm guessing she was hiding it. If she isn't slender, again, different women present differently. Obviously if she's telling the truth, she's in a rare minority.

For those who say it never happens, an article that was out earlier this year...

http://www.parenting.com/parenting/p...382_1,00.html?

** edited in ** when my wife originally read this, she found it hard to believe a woman could be so out of touch with her body. She "sensed" the baby was in her, regardless of the other telltale signs.

The other side is, this isn't a primary medical journal, so the story could just be that.

The bottom line is do you love and trust her? With out love the relationship will fail. With out trust the relationship will fail. Are you happy with the way thing are? If not can you change them to be happy? One thing about change the only thing you can change in this world is you and your circumstances. You can not change anyone else. So if your not happy with her then don't think you can changer her and make things better. Ask yourself those questions then do what is best for you. On a side note how do you feel about the baby being put up for adoption? I do agree with most everyone I think she was hiding the fact she was pregnant.

I don't think he sees her very often. LD relationships are hard.

She obviously was seeing someone else.

I agree with wildcat on this one. All of a sudden she went to the hospital and she popped out the baby. It has happened before but if you knew this girl very well and you were in a close relationship with her. You would have known all this was going on. I do not believe you want to be tangled up in this deep web.

Move on.

Joe

I am in total agreement with all the others here. Yes, it is possible for a woman to not know that she is pregnant, however, that is extremely rare!!

It also could be something psychological wherein she refused to believe she was pregnant and therefore repressed that info.

You should find a relationship that is based on truth and honesty.

Rare doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I have a friend who's daughter was given no chace of beating a killer cancer, and she's one of the rare survivors.

But... I admit things are pretty uncertain here. Chances are she at least knew about it and maybe was in denial.

Being pregnant in no way means she was seeing someone else while she was with you. Simple math a second grader could manage.

Lying to you... well if she did, and general consensus here is she did probably lie about the pregnant, then she could lie about anything.

I still question what kind of person gives away their child? Because of financial reasons... dont by it to many programs out there that will help people with financial problems. To me this is just selfishness on her part. So ask yourself would you want to be with someone who is willing to give away their child?

I'm reading the responses and then I re-read the original post. I think Ryan is holding back more information. Maybe she's trying to guilt Ryan into taking responsibility for the child so she doesn't have to give him up. Something just doesn't add up here.

I need to know how often he saw her. Was this a real relationship?

Hey everyone... As for the questions... No she didn't cheat on me... she got pregnant in Dec and I didn't start dating her until Feb... she had the baby yesterday... She is not a skinny girl and she is a girl with irregualar periods. Because of my job I see her about once a month... but I talk to her everyday on the phone she has never gave me a reason to believe she was out cheating... She did tell me that she was in denial the whole time about the pregnancy she didn't want to believe she was pregnant... thanks for the replys

Well, if she is a skinny gal, could you not see that she was pregnant? Pregnancy is usually VERY obvious.

Note that I said usually, not always. I know a gal that never wore maternity clothes and no one believed her till she had the baby, but usually you can tell.

Wow. Was the baby health? Have you guys decided what's going to happen to the baby and your relationship?

She is nota skinny girl... the baby was very heathly... she has chosen to adopt the baby out... as far as the relationship I don't know what's going to happen... I don't want to answer her phone calls because I'm just not ready to talk to her yet

I am sorry I misread your post. I have been doing a lot of reading lately for school, and my eyes got ahead of me.

That said, it is possible she never even showed then.

Take your time Ryan... just keep on doing what you have been doing... wait till you are ready, that is the best thing.

Sorry again for misreading your post.

I understand you not wanting to talk to her this is a huge huge thing going on between you guys! HUGE but I know that if I was put in her situation I would need my boyfriend the most right now.. there are probably so many things running through her head right now and you should be at her side seeing her through this really difficult time.. of course that is just my opinion, I obviously don't know what kind of a relationship you guys have but my opinion is you should probably stop ignoring her talk to her let her know how you feel about this situation.. if you need to tell her you need time to think.. instead of just shutting her out when she needs you the most!

I did talk to her this morning for about 3hrs but after hanging up with her it was like everything started to hit me so fast... She told me she wants me to be by her side but I don't know if I can be strong enough for the both of us... as of right now I can barely hold myself together

The fact that she has a baby in and of itself is inconsequential. But the fact that she didn't tell you about it is a huge red flag. What is the nature of her relationship with the baby's father? That is a potential red flag as well. This woman doesn't sound too honest to me. I think that's a much bigger problem than the baby.

There is no relationship with the babies father... he was her ex boyfriend

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ryan7484

i talk to her everyday on the phone she has never gave me a reason to believe she was out cheating....

They usually never do or if they do you don't see it because your emotionally wrapped up in her. In this situation if you only see her once a month it would be very easy for her not to give you a reason.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ryan7484

She did tell me that she was in denial the whole time about the pregnancy she didnt want to believe she was pregnant....thanks for the replys

I know that getting pregnant at the wrong time in life can be tramatic but how can you be in denial for 9 months? That answers the question if she knew or not. She knew... and she lied to you, or at the very least with held extremely important information. There's no question she lied to herself. I think that she has some problems she needs to work out before you should get involved with her.

The problem with a long distance relationship is you can't see the facts for yourself and you must depend on the honesty of a stranger to tell you what's happening. Not an easy thing to do in my opinion. How can someone tell you the truth and not know it themselves? HHMMMM!! Now that the blinders are off maybe you should step back and examine everything that's been told to you and try and get the facts , the real facts before you swallow any more crap hook ,line. And sinker. A relationship cannot be built to last on lies, have truths, or ignorance, which you have let happen so make sure you see the part you played in this drama. Think long and hard about your next move and I hope you use your own senses and not rely on someone else's reality, or agenda.

How can you question that? A lot of people just can't take care of a child.

I HATE THE FACT THE JOKER HAS NOT COME BACK ANSWERED SOME OF OUR QUESTIONS. We spend al lthis time giving advice and we can't really answer without more detail. This happens all the time here.

I have a feeling this was not a real relationship - maybe they met a couple times. He probably had not seen her in months.

I have been back to answer questions wildcat... every question that was asked I answered.. This is a real relationship... I spent 3 months in the beginning of our relationship with her everyday because I lived there... I am in the Navy and now I'm stationed in another state

Hmmmm - I still don't get the baby thing. There's no way she didn't know.

Is she heavey?

When was the last time you saw her? 4 months?

Yes she is heavy... she thought she was just gaining weight.. honestly I couldn't even tell she was pregnant... The last time I saw her was 3 weeks ago

Ok - that makes sense - gald you have seen her recenly - and the Navy makes sense as well. Yes - it's not your baby - and things should be OK if you've only seen her for 7 months.

But, I don't see how she didn't know. Maybe the ladies here can shed light.

I do think things can/are/will be OK with you two - give her strong support. This is a real adult thing.

Is she giving the baby up for adoption?

Wildcat was put up for adoption at birth - ended up with a GREAT loving family who totally took care of him. I was very fortunate. My birth mother was a college student at Northwestern. Adoption is a good thing. I went through the best adoption agency in the world. My parents could not have kids and wanted them desperately. Many couples out there like that.

Im trying to be strong for her... but I can barely hold myself up I don't know if I can be strong enough for her...

Yes, the baby is going up for adoption. She chose adoption because she's 18 and works fulltime at an under paid job and she goes to school fulltime. She wants a better life for him and she knows that right now in her life she can't give him what he deserves. She has chosen a family for the baby its an "open adoption" meaning she can get pictures of the baby and all of that kind of stuff.. She comes home today from the hospital and I know she's going to be hurting I just don't know how much longer I can be strong for her.

Yes the Navy thing makes sense as I could never imagine a long distance relationship with out me trying to be with the apple of my eye all the time,just me though.

Ryan - this sounds like a GOOD situation. I think it's best the baby is up for adoption. No question - considering the father is not around either - I assume he is long gone and probably doesn't care.

Yea, the father is long gone. She doesn't want anything to do with the father because of certain circumstances.. Thanks for the advice wildcat. Now I just hope I can be strong enough for her

Be strong. Take deep breaths. Workout. Stay in strong contact with her - SHE NEEDS YOU AS FAR AS I CAN TELL.

Think of the goods times with her.

I've been in a lot of contact with her... I call and check on her all day.. I guess I'm not only hurting for myself but also hurting for her. I can't imagine putting my baby up for adoption and I know she's hurting but I feel like my hands are tied and there's nothing I can do... Im hurting a lot and I have a lot of mixed emotions but I know she needs me more then ever right now... I can feel myself starting to break though...

Just LISTEN to her. Just listen. Nothing you can do. Help her work it out. Be the man!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

...not all women are regular, and some have weight fluctuations anyway. doesnt mean she didnt cover it up, but it doesnt sound that way.

What did I say? And the link I put on later showed a woman who went through the same thing assuming it was simply weight gain. More digging and I've found other threads on other discussion boards where women who were pregnant didn't know until 6-7 months in due to issues like commonly irregular cycles, weight issues. Not good for prenatal care, but it happens. Yours is an extreme case, but I said from the start its possible.

If you believe that this is the case... that she really didn't mean to deceive you, then everything I said from the beginning still counts. It is hard to imagine she wanted to knowingly carry a baby to term, put it up for adoption, and test your relationship. So don't punish her. Who she was with before you doesn't make her less worthy of your attention. And if she really has gone through this ordeal honestly, then she deserves some support.

You, also, should allow yourself to be confused and not feel guilty.

You both need to help each other get through this.. this is not all about her you need her comfort as much as she needs yours!

She apologizes to me quite often for everything that has happened and she blames herself a lot... I just tell her that its OK and we can work threw this together... Im not holding anything against her, for this was done before we started dating or even met. I honestly don't think she meant to decieve me but I still kind of feel betrayed. I don't blame her for anything though because I can only imagine what she is going threw right now..

See you have the perfect state of mind.. you know what your doing, I honestly think you guys will be fine!
By the way you have every right to feel betrayed, it might take you awhile to get over it too but it is okay. Just make sure you try and talk all of it out with her instead of bottling it up and trying to forget about it.. make sure you are okay before you see her! :)

Ryan - that's very normal to feel that way. It's OK. Time will heel this - I am 100% sure. Just take your time with this.