Ask Me Help Desk - What would you do?

What would you do?

I'm new and am dying to know what you all think, as I don't know anyone I can speak to about this. I also posted a thread below.

Late last year a very good friend of my fiance's came over for a drink and it ended up going on till the early hours of the morning. I was sat right next to my fiance' and she was sitting opposite. When I looked down, his foot was on top of hers and moving around on hers in a very suggestive way.

I did not want to cause a fight, as her husband was asleep upstairs, so I asked him the next day and he said he couldn't remember!

There have been other things as well, why does he do this? And why does he deny it when I've brought it up because I have clearly seen it!

I think you have your answer. And add this to your other post... seems like this guy will bring you A LOT of heartache down the road as he is not ready to settle down with YOU.

I agree. This, added to your other post... you are probably in a bad, bad place. I wish I had good news.

Being drunk and "not remembering" is no excuse.

I'm thinking you know the answer to your questions... its just too hard to accept.

I would like to add that being drunk and not remembering is a VERY bad sign in and of itself.

Too many red flags.

If you can't talk about this - I advise not marrying this man at all. Forget it.

This is just my advoce.

Yes, very hard to accept x

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

I would like to add that being drunk and not remembering is a VERY bad sign in and of itself.

Selective!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aussie

Selective!!

no. not really. I agree with j_9, and I'm a little confused why you bring this up and then are defensive about it.

Are you saying j_9's being selective in her analysis, or that your fiancée is selectively "forgetting" things when its convenient?

I think she is saying that her finace is sleective in what he remembers and doest remember.
Shouldn't speak for Aussie but just how I read it!

Or selective because I "picked" that part, and only that part, out of the post?

This is a red flag called "blackout" when it comes to alcoholics!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

no. not really. i agree with j_9, and im a little confused why you bring this up and then are defensive about it.

are you saying j_9's being selective in her analysis, or that your fiancee is selectively "forgetting" things when its convenient?

Oh no - I mean't that perhaps he is being selective in his memory.

OK... at first I thought it was about j_9s post, but then thought maybe it was about him.

Yeah... its not good from his side. I've forgotten a few menial things when I've been buzzed, but intimacy is a different thing. Obviously he's attracted to her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

Or selective because I "picked" that part, and only that part, out of the post?

This is a red flag called "blackout" when it comes to alcoholics!!!

Yes, that's exactly what I mean't, as I often wander why I can remember everything and he can't! But I believe its down to him pretending not to remember, so he thinks I will forget about it. Not alcoholics though... just heavy nights x

I agree with everyone, I was kind of confused about the answer "selective!!!"

And, yes, it most likely is selective, but please do not leave out the red flag of really being drunk and not remembering. Just please do not leave that out of the picture. It is possible he does not remember, however, and that is another major red flag.

I'm definatley talking about the big things that he is conveniently pretending to not remember.

I can clearly see that he is attratced to this girl and have always been a bit funnny.

I am so grateful that you are pointing all of this out, as it means that I am not mad and have a lot more confidence (what I lack) to confront him about it all.

It's my life and life is far too short.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aussie

Yes, thats exactly what I mean't, as I often wander why I can remember everything and he can't! But I believe its down to him pretending not to remember, so he thinks I will forget about it. Not alcoholics though.....just heavy nights x

"heavy nights" leads to alcoholism. Can he go for days, weeks, or months at a time without any alcohol whatsoever?

Alcoholism is a disease the "creeps" up on you. It is there before you know it.

He may very well be pretending, but don't leave the possibility of blackouts out of the picture, or you are in for a long haul if it turns out to be true.

All I am saying is keep EVERYTHING in perspective!!

Confidence is a life-long process!! Keep that in mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

I agree with everyone, I was kind of confused about the answer "selective!!!"

And, yes, it most likely is selective, but please do not leave out the red flag of really being drunk and not remembering. Just please do not leave that out of the picture. It is possible he does not remember, however, and that is another major red flag.

Oh, I see what you mean... sorry if I offended you in any way. I have just relaised what the red flag means that everyone is using. But I understand now and I agree with you. I wrote selective like that to emphasise it.

Aussie,

I don't think we are pointing it out for you. I think you already know and knew.
We may be just confirming your thoughts.
If that is the case then good. Im glad we could help you realise that there are some definite issues that you need to sort out well before you marry this man.
And you need to be 100% confident that he is being honest with you.
If not then I think you have to run for the hills.
And IF that is what has to happen we will be here to offer support through that!

I will, thank you J9

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skell

Aussie,

i dont think we are pointing it out for you. I think you already know and knew.
We may be just confirming your thoughts.
If that is the case then good. Im glad we could help you realise that there are some definite issues that you need to sort out well before you marry this man.
And you need to be 100% confident that he is being honest with you.
If not then i think you have to run for the hills.
And IF that is what has to happen we will be here to offer support through that!

Thanks, you and everyone else have been so helpful. Yes I already know and have known! You've hit the nail on the head, but I needed to talk about it, as I don't have anyone here I can talk about it too.

I'm scared, but that's OK because I know whatever happens, I will be OK.

As I said in your other post all I see are red flags surrounding this relationship so I would add be cautious, and keep your eyes open.

Yes - you must talk... but I've seen way too man yred flags from this guy. I wondering why you stick with him? He might cheat, you can't talk with him, you've caught him flirting and making passes...

He also won't open up and be honest with you.

Like I said before - I only see heartache in the future from what you have told us.

He said that he cannot remember and can't apologise for something he can't remember!
He said it's in my head and that he wasn't playing footsies! He said that perhaps I saw they're feet touch and thought I saw what I saw. As I said in my other post is the sky blue?

I think you are asking questions now you know the answers to. Its just hard to accept.

Again, even if he's absolutely behaving (and it seems like he's not) your gut is telling you there's a problem here. So there's a problem here. Don't get married when there this kind of problem.

You can try to figure out if you have trust issues. You can try to make sure this isn't some confidence thing. It is true that many people engaged go through a "am i making a huge mistake" or "am i really ready for this" stage.

But it seems you know you instinctively cannot trust him. You'll probably spend the rest of your relationship with him feeling this way. Not a way to live.

Aussie - sounds li ke a bunmch of BS to me - you caught him... he's a lying!

You have a lot issues here wit hthis guy. Lots of red flags. You need concrete answers fro mthsi gu yand he won't give them to you.

You can't continue with out TRUST! He doesn't respect you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Yes - you must talk.....but I've seen way too man yred flags from this guy. I wondering why you stick with him? He might cheat, you can't talk with him, you've caught him flirting and making passes....

He also wont open up and be honest with you.

Like I said before - I only see heartache in the future from what you have told us.

I am feeling a lot stronger than before, I stick with him, as I love him, we have such a great time all the time and laugh, but there is always this doubt from what I have seen/heard.

You need the trust moving forward. Always.

Somebody explain to me how you can love somebody you don't trust. How you stay in a relationship with a loser you have soooo much ffun with. My little pea brain is not getting it. I don't understand no way.

Yeah, your right, but I feel I do. I don't mind you or anyone being really blunt. This is the first time I have spoken about this to anyone. I do doubt myself and have low self asteem and I have to take everything into consideration.

WELL, I think he manipulates you through the low self esteem. You feel the way you do because you know you're right.

Well, you know in the end the only person you need to please is you.

And I'm glad you aren't offended when we are straightforward here. We have no agenda other than to try to help. Seeing you separate from someone you care about isn't our plan when we start to analyze your situ, but if your situation deems some distance, were going to tell you loud and clear.

I've been with a few girls I had some trust issues with and they ALL came to be true, valid issues. Maybe your situation is different. The last thing id want to do is imbed a mistaken notion that your guy is a cheater when he isn't.

BUT I think he's a flirt at the very least. And you both have some talking to do before things are OK. That's fine. Relationships are worth work.

Just, please, don't get married with this hanging over your head. Try to resolve this one way or another before then. I love being married, but its work, and the last thing you need when you've finally made that lifetime commitment is ghosts haunting your relationship.

And if you were my sister, and you told me all you've said, id be a pretty grumpy brother. Supportive of your decision whatever that is, but he's got some things to prove.

I wasted two years trying to make a relationship that I had a big trust issue with work. In retrospect, I'm not sure I'm sorry I tried. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I didn't beg. I didn't make a fool out of myself completely. I just was willing to work harder than her for a time. Then, eventually, I was done.

If you are going to stick with him and try to work it out, just keep your head about you. No begging for forgiveness for anything. No working hard to make his life easier when you're not getting the same back. No apologies for needing some assurances and seeing that he picks you, his fiancée, first much of the time. He deserves some room and deserves to be able to maintain his friendships. But not when its destructive to your well being.

I'm hoping you'll write back that things take a turn for the better. If things fall apart, well, we'll try not to do the I-told-you-so routine too much... some... but not too much.

We have been taking one day at a time and he is willing to take a lie detector test, as he maintains that I may be misconstuing situations, although he did get extremely nervous when I was very insistent!

kp2171 and everyone, thank you for your inspirational replys, they really inspired me and encouraged me to open up and talk to him about things. He was really good to talk to about everything, but I just cannot settle on the fact that I may be misconstruing situations, as I saw things with my own eye's! I am going to book this lie detector test and see how that turns out. Somehow I know what the result is going to be, but I just can't walk away so easily without knowing and understanding. Otherwise I will go insane thinking... did I really?

I hope this makes sense and no matter what the result may be, I feel a lot stronger to deal with it than I did when I wa thinking about it all!

I will let you know very soon x

In my opionion, Lie detector tests do not work
First of all everyone is nervous when they take them and they always end up failing even if they were innocent or not and I don't think it is fair. So you might want to keep talking to him and trying to figure everything out for yourself. If you're looking for a way out then this is a good way to do that but if you want to stay together but can't get passed this then you need to TALK TALK and then Talk some more.
OK and again about the lie detector test, what if he likes this girl but doesn't want her he wanted you and you giving him the lie detector test is just going to show that he might have feelings for her... but why would he be with you... think about it... people are attracted to so many people at one but they (usually) pick one person to be with... I don't know if you can't forgive him for flirting and then lying to you then you should not be with him but if you want to fix this with him... work on it! I think I am babbling now... :)

I've been through my fair share of liars and there are a few techniques to look for when questioning someone to see if they are lying or not.
1. Can they look you in the eye and keep a straight face when they are answering you?-If no: they are most likely lying to you.
2. Do they fidgit when they answer you?-if yes-they are most likely lying to you.
3. Do their eyes wonder around the room when you are asking them questions? If so, probably lying.
4. Do they ask you a question such as "why do you/are you ask(ing)?-they are probably trying to buy time to come up with a lie.
5. Do they change the subject quickly after answering you? Probably told you a lie.

This goes for both male and females.

Hope this helps!