So I have been with my girlfriend for about 6 years. But in the last year I lost my job and went back to school. Im 27 and my ex-gf is 24. She has always expected to be married by 24 but I still don't have my career and she already has hers. At the end of last year she started to get pressure from her family to get married, and then last month she got pressure again. And about two weeks ago, she asked to go on a break and give her space to think about things. Because our relationship has not been like she had pictured it and that it doesn't look like we are getting married anytime soon. And she doesn't know if she still loves me as a boyfriend anymore. The future she saw isn't too clear anymore. Everyone hurt her so much that she doesn't care about anything. That she is sad all the time. (I want to make her happy). She is moving out on her own next month.

I took it really hard and upset that someone that I loved so much could tell me she doesn't love me. Over the course of the next few days I texted, and left her messages. I expressed how sad and disappointed I was in how this all turned out. And she told me she still loves me, but not as a boyfriend. That got me more upset and told her not to say if she didn't mean it.

After I realized how selfish I was, I kept trying to call and contact her. I texted her when I was drunk and made this worst. We finally met up because I needed my stuff. We talked and she told me to look for a new girlfriend and forget about her, she wants me to start dating other girls. And we probably won't be getting back together and just let her be alone for the next few months. After we fell asleep watching TV. So I thought it would be nice to hold her. She let me hold her, but then she started to cry and said... "its over and you need to let go now." I told her "I know, but I love you and I will wait for you." I told her I know you still have feelings for me, otherwise you wouldn't be crying... she said "too litle too late." So don't ask me to marry you now, the answer would be "NO"

We left and I texted her, "I know you still love me deep down inside, and I will be here when you figure it out." and "Its not over."She responded with, "Yes it, don't txt or call me anymore."

I got really desperate and I messaged her friends to let her know that I love her and that I will marry her if she is ready...

I think I totally messed everything up... I should have given her space when she asked for it but its so hard to do. She is moving next month, and I offered to help her move but I don't know if I still should... Is it really over? 6 years gone because I didn't give her space? I turned a break to a break up... How can I be so stupid?


What can I do now to fix everything? Or is it too little too late?:(

You can't fix it. Had you listened to her request for space, things may have turned out differently. Her feelings have changed and there is nothing you can do now. Just move on, go no contact and rebuild your life, without her.

That's what I was afraid of... +sigh... I just thought if I didn't showed I care then the would be over. But too little too late... I wish I read these forums before all of this... 6 years... just sad... but I think she is depressed inside for some reason and she needs help..

Here is the thing too.. she is not telling her family that we are broken up.. just in case, we do get back together. She doesn't want to explain to them what happen... but she followed that statement with, don't get your hopes up.

Then LISTEN to her, "don't get your hopes up" Go no contact and realize that you can live a happy life without her.

6 years... not giving her space... then breaking up?

I tend to think that even if you had done things differently, you guys would still break up. I highly doubt that giving her space would have made a difference. A 6 year relationship doesn't end just because of not giving little space.

It sounds like you guys had a lot of problems already and you just dragged out the inevitable. She's made it clear that she no longers wants to be with you.

This doesn't sound llke a case of "saying one thing and thinking another". I'm sure she knows what she's saying when she tells you not to contact her anymore.

You gave it your best shot, it's time to move on. Don't contact her anymore and start the recovery process. You've suffered enough, it's time to heal.

Ya.. I have been kicking myself over this.. She had been talking about moving into together again like when we are in college. But I told her I wanted to take care of my family for as long as possible.

She said that it doesn't look like your relationship was moving any direction.

I just don't get why she keeps telling.. that she is so sad inside, and she just wants to be alone... And just be her age, her friends are party animals, but she never really liked clubbing.

She is having a doctors appt. tomorrow and I don't know if I should ask her how it goes.

It just so hard to let a 6 years relationship down the hole. We were so happy about a month or two ago... then after so got pressure from her family.. it was over... even if I told her I wanted to marry her now, it would be too late..

So I don't know.. just so depressed right now. And its been two weeks...

Danny,

Yeah, you messed up in a couple of ways. Learn from it because a moment like this could occur again in your life and you don't need a repeat of what happened here.

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Originally Posted by ldanny

... our relationship has not been like she had pictured it and that it doesn't look like we are getting married anytime soon... The future she saw isn't too clear anymore...

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She (with some pushing by her family) wants to be married to a guy who is further along on the material development path than you are. Career, money, stability, readiness to make a family,etc.

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Is it really over? 6 years gone because I didn't give her space?

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It's probably over, but not because you didn't give her space. That was a mistake, but it was over before then. Your texting just validated her decision.

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Everyone hurt her so much that she doesn't care about anything. That she is sad all the time. (I want to make her happy).

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She's got an issue with following her heart. Expressing apathy and sadness indicates that she is trying to do practical things (like marrying some rich guy) without knowing what is in her heart. Her head is leading her heart, so she can't love you any more like she did before.

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I took it really hard and upset that someone that I loved so much could tell me she doesn't love me. Over the course of the next few days I texted, and left her messages. I expressed how sad and disappointed I was in how this all turned out. And she told me she still loves me, but not as a boyfriend. That got me more upset and told her not to say if she didn't mean it.

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Sounds pretty normal. But this is a good time for you to examine your emotional maturity (Emotional intelligence) (See Amazon.com: Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary Edition; Why It Can Matter More Than IQ: Daniel Goleman: Books)

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After I realized how selfish I was, I kept trying to call and contact her. I texted her when I was drunk and made this worst. (No kidding!) We finally met up because I needed my stuff. We talked and she told me to look for a new girlfriend and forget about her, she wants me to start dating other girls. And we probably won't be getting back together and just let her be alone for the next few months. After we fell asleep watching TV. So I thought it would be nice to hold her. She let me hold her, but then she started to cry and said... "its over and you need to let go now." I told her "I know, but I love you and I will wait for you." I told her I know you still have feelings for me, otherwise you wouldnt be crying... she said "too litle too late." So don't ask me to marry you now, the answer would be "NO"

We left and I texted her, "I know you still love me deep down inside, and I will be here when you figure it out." and "Its not over."She responded with, "Yes it, don't text or call me anymore."

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Pretty clear... Don't delude yourself.

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I got really desperate and I messaged her friends to let her know that I love her and that I will marry her if she is ready...

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She's ready to move on.

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I think I totally messed everything up... I should have given her space when she asked for it but its so hard to do. She is moving next month, and I offered to help her move but I don't know if I still should... Is it really over? 6 years gone because I didn't give her space? I turned a break to a break up... How can I be so stupid?

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Everybody makes this sort of mistake. The six-year run ended for more reasons than just one mistake, though. Take care of your emotions by acknowledging them and letting yourself grieve. It's over, and the best thing you can do is to handle it graciously. Let go, heal, get on with your life.

All I really got from that was that she desperately wants to be married, her parents and pressuring her to do it and it doesn't matter who the guy is as long as he pops the question...

Time to move on and find a girl who cares about your feeling and needs and not just her own...

You.. it was weird.. because when I was holding her for the last time we made out for a bit... then she was like "what are we doing..." "its over, time to let go.." and she was crying... I asked her why she was crying if she didn't care or love me anymore.. and she said "because I am sad all the time.."

Just somewhere in my heart I want to believe that she will come back when she starts to think with her heart too.. but reality is.. she is probably done... sad but I need to start facing the truth... so hard to do...

Her feelings changed. The same thing happened between me and my ex. The spark and connection just wasn't there for her anymore. After a while, after the lust wears off, it's the love and respect we have for each other that keeps us together. When this happens, many people think that the relationship just goes stale and gets boring and assume that this change means its over. However, people who are really committed to being together, transition to this mature stage and stay together. Some people make this transition, some don't. In order for the relationship to work, both people have to be committed. You are more committed to making it work than she is.

She is looking for a fresh start, while you just want her. She wants to spread her wings, while you want to be there for her and help her with everything. At some point, people need to experience life for themselves and do things for themselves. Its time for you to allow her to do that and let her grow.

Her saying she is sad all the time, is her telling you that she feels the pain and guilt of breaking up with you. Trust me it hurts her almost as much as it hurts you.

You need to separate yourself from her (as hard as that maybe) and get your life back. Any further contact with her right now will not do anything but make matters worse for the both of you.

Deep down you may thin that she will come back, but you cannot fall into that trap of false hope. You will just keep feeding in to these false expectations and end up hurting yourself more.

You must move on and take what she has said literally, that your relationship with her is over. She is telling you she does not want you around, so you have to respect her wishes, no matter how hard it may be.

Take the next few months one day at a time and work on rebuilding your life with friends and family. It's is very difficult, but with time you WILL feel better. You will feel like crap for weeks or months, but if you give your mind the opportunity to separate itself from your feelings for her, you will get out of the funk eventually.

Now as far as the future... nothing is written in stone. Things may happen between you both, and things may not. No one will be able to tell you with 100% certainty that you will be a part forever, but just know that thousands of people have gone through the same situation you have and hardly any of them EVER get back with the person that they left or left them behind.


Be strong and good luck!

Thanks you so much for all of this advice.. I appreciate the help. I am sure you all know how hard it is.. at first I was really upset and started to talk to all the old girls in my life...

And then there was my ex from before this one... She started to text me and calling me... she even text me "sometime love comes around..." ? That was a 2 yr relationship. But I have no feelings or ever want to go back to her... At first I wanted to just get out there and have a girl for support like the past. But I have no motivation or desire to do that anymore. I was just going to get her as a FTF but I know this will not be health for anyone..

I am just afraid that if I let go of my 6 yr ex then I will become like the way I am with my 2yr ex... and I don't want that. Because I have never in my life ever pictured myself getting married to anyone except for my 6yr ex. I know its probably just the attachment talking, but I hold on to things I guess..

My 6yr ex said that she doesn't plan on getting with anyone she just wants to be alone, and that even though she wants me to move on she will be sad at first but she will get over it. She says that I am a wonderful guy that needs a girl that can treat me the same way, and she is not that girl.. "Not now."

Before the make out session for the last time, I jokingly said... she should be a FTF... She said maybe in the future, but not now... I asked her why.. "because you still love me too much.." So I guess she knows that I love her and that this is for her... I just wonder, what would have happened if I did proposed to her.. would we still be going through this?

I need to let go but this is still so fresh in my head... Here is a upper, my friends asked if I were going to hang out tonight. I told them sure I need to get out.. But then I found out she is actually going to be there to hook up her friend with my friend... Dude, I would have cried like a little fat kid on a diet. LOL...

I know,I know... let go, let go... so hard, so hard...

I don't think she will ask anymore.. but should I help her move? (no would probably be the answer) And I still have her stuff at my house.. should I drop it off? I also boxed up all the pictures and presents (anything to do with her) should I give those items back to her?

Weird thing.. she wanted the shirt that I wore on our first date... So I gave it to her. She smiled when she saw it. I asked her why do you want my shirt anyway? "Cause I like it."

So to keep rambling but this is in a way helping me.. I am sure in a few months, I will be OK...

I'll make this short

1. No don't help her move
2. Yes, return her things to her
3. Don't give her anything else, only delaying your recovery.

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Originally Posted by ldanny

I don't think she will ask anymore.. but should I help her move? (no would probably be the answer) And I still have her stuff at my house.. should I drop it off? I also boxed up all the pictures and presents (anything to do with her) should I give those items back to her?

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Yes, be gracious, generous, considerate, kind and all the other things you would like to be to be at your best. Separating is an art, and few people can do it well. I've done it badly and well. Well is better; you heal faster. So does everyone else.

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So to keep rambling but this is in a way helping me.. I am sure in a few months, I will be OK...

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Hey, we've all had our hearts broken. Ramble on.

Thanks.. guys.. I really need to restructure my life.. show her it was a mistake... but we have so much that is still wrapped up together.. its going to he hard separating everything... but it guess it all has to go back..

She still has my house key too.. but I guess when she returns it... its final, not like its not right now... I just wish things were different...

Just return her things and be done. Do ask questions. Any questions you have will answer themselves in time. There is no point going over the choices you made in the past concerning her and this relationship. Those decisions were made in the PAST and cannot be changed. Just deal with the situation you have at hand and work on getting over this bump in the road.

It will take a while for you to get over this. Just live the single life for a while until you get to the point where you can start seeing other women.

I left for vegas on Friday, and didn't contact her all weekend. Saturday was the 2 week mark of our break up.. I am not taking this well at all.. Even when I was at the clubs or dancing with other girls all I can think of is her...

I swear, I am on the verge of tears each time I think of her. And EVERYTHING makes me think of her. I really want her back but I just don't know what to do.. I want to call her sooo bad, and hold her again.

I know I need to move on and just close this chapter in my book. But I just can't seem to do it. Its getting so hard to the point that, I just don't care about life anymore. I don't know why I am taking this so hard. This sounds girlish, but on some nights I sweep as if she had died. But that is what it feels like, I can't see her, talk to her... all I can do is think about her...

I try to keep busy but it just isn't working.

How do I give back her stuff without breaking the NC?

You could just drop it off while she is at work or try and get a 3rd party to drop it off for you.

Have a relative or a good friend drop the stuff off for you. I went through the same emotions you are when my ex dumped me. The first couple months of NC are pure hell! However, if you stick to it and resist talking to her, then you will feel 1000% better in a few weeks. You still won't be totally over her, but you will not be sobbing at nights and thinking of her as much.

It takes time. Sorry to say, it won't be easy. Be prepared for the "out of the blue" phone calls. If you do talk to her, keep it brief. Your emotions will well up very quickly and you must remain strong.

She moved out and I don't know where she lives anymore... and I don't think she told her family... and trying to forget her right now, its even harder because I am sick (flu that I got from her).. Her brother just text to for a lunch that we have every year... I don't think I am going to go.. probably just ignore the text...

Ahhh.. I was doing so well, almost two weeks of NC and today I gave in and text/ called her...

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Originally Posted by ldanny

ahhh.. i was doing so well, almost two weeks of NC and today I gave in and text/ called her...

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So what happened ? How did it make you feel by calling her? What was her response to your call?

We talked like we were just friends... nothing more nothing less.. its over...

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Originally Posted by ldanny

we talked like we were just friends... nothing more nothing less.. its over...

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So you need to accept the relationship and move on. You have already admitted it to yourself that their no future with this girl.:) Open up yourself to new people this a whole new world out their waiting for you to engage.

Good luck

Thanks.. you I swept and cried about this relationship for the past 3 weeks.. and the past few days of NC really made me feel better.. Talking to her today made me want to get back with her.. but its not going to her me if we don't... Thanks for all the support, don't get me wrong. I am still very hurt but I think its to the point that it doesn't matter anymore. I still think of her and the relationship every moment of the day but it just isn't as strong of a pain anymore.

Yes and that pain will get weaker and weaker as time goes on. Don't worry a lot of people give in and contact the ex. I gave in when she called me about two weeks ago. We talked like friends (:sarcastic: yay!) and shared a laugh, but she is off doing her thing and I am doing mine and that is were we stand.

The problem with contact is the fact that it may go well or it may not. Either way you feel crappy after you talk to them because you either miss them more after a few days, or you feel like you just made things worse if the contact didn't go well.

In my case, it made me miss her. For a few days after words I just kept thinking about her. However, after a few days, everything went back to normal for me.

Most of the time when contact occurs, you don't find out anything new that you want to hear. It's just the way it is.

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Originally Posted by ldanny

thanks.. ya i swept and cried about this relationship for the past 3 weeks.. and the past few days of NC really made me feel better.. Talking to her today made me want to get back with her.. but its not going to her me if we dont... Thanks for all the support, don't get me wrong. I am still very hurt but I think its to the point that it doesnt matter anymore. I still think of her and the relationship every moment of the day but it just isnt as strong of a pain anymore.

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Very true and it will get better:)

I was doing so well with NC. Then she calls me to help her move... the sucker I am.. I agreed, I wasted two weekends helping her and thought this would show her I care...

Bottomline, she wants to focus on herself and making herself happy... This just messed me up so much. Here is the kicker, she is heading a trip this weekend... and I think it is with one of my friend (guy). I know I should have and have to let go... It was getting better now it is like I am starting over in the healing process...

We all slip sometimes. Just remember the lesson you learned from this and don't repeat it.

It will take you a few days to get back to where you were. I think you will also notice that it doesn't hurt as much this time as it did when you first started the healing process.

At least you definitely know you are making the right choice by initiating NC.

You.. I just can't understand how a person can throw a 6.5 year relationship out the window...

No one ever understands why the one they love leaves them in the dust. I know I didn't (and still don't) understand why my ex dumped me after 4 years, but she did.

The only thing you can do is pick yourself up and use this experience to as a learning tool to make you stronger for your next relationship.

I don't know why I'm still so stuck on her.. lost my appetite again.. so stupid... I hooked up with another girl last night but all I kept thinking about was her... wth is wrong with me? Its bugging me so much to know that she is on vacation with someone I don't know... but the thought that she is with one of my buddies is making me sick... I don't know...

Idanny,

I know how you feel. My ex of 4 years just broke up with me five days ago. He had asked for breaks in the past and I manged to talk my way out of them. I think that I was afraid to lose him. I kind of put some pressure on him about the marriage thing, too, but It took a very unpleasant but enlightening talk for me to realize that he is def not ready for marriage and frankly neither am I. That family pressure can really get to you like it did me. I come from a hispanic household and marriage is a big deal. I have come to realize that I will not let that pressure consume me ever again. It has made me practically lose the man I love.

MY biggest mistake was that in the last 2 years of our relationship I became very clingy and needy. For some reason I needed him so much and never worked on my individuality and independence. Now I am going through the toughest phase of the break up: he says he loves and cares about me, but that we both need this to discover who we are, get things done with our careers and be able to breathe (we are both 23 yrs old). I had to agree or else I know that I would push him away for good. The thing is that I still love him deeply and have hopes that we will get back together. We were about to move in together and I was already in the process of doing those things that were going to make him see a change in me, I just didn't get the chance, :(.

Since then I have focused more on making friends, I'm about to get a gym membership and got a work out buddy, going to focus on work and school and see where it takes me. There are days when I feel I'm great and I can be alone and just fine, and there are other times that I am so disappointed that I haven't gotten a call or tx or email. But I will do my best to not contact him. I would be lying if I said that I do not have hopes and would give it a shot again if we agreed to take it much slower than we have been, but at the same time, sometimes I wonder if things happen for a reason. I'm still battling this and I don't expect it to be easy.

All I could advise you is to do what I am doing now. Continue your life, focus on other things. If you happen to move on during this then good for you and you will be free, but you can't expect her to give you an answer yet. Before a good time for both of you to think, you might make decisions that are not the best for you. I am learning the hard way that I should have given him space before, and now its hard, but I'm trying my best. But whatever you do: do not marry her if you are not ready, just to keep her. It will only turn out worse and you will be kicking yourself in the butt!

I tried to propose because I really love her.. but I said it all wrong and she thinks that I only proposed to keep her. I am just so overwhelmed with emotions, and that she lied to me about the trip got me really thinking that she did run off with my buddy... It just sucks if they really did, because we have a close knit group of friends... I'm just a mess, I just want god to guide me in the pathway. I am just afraid that I will flip out if I found out she got with someone else already, I know there is nothing I can do but it still hurts very much.

I have a tub filled with things between the two of us. Sometimes I just want to make a bonfire out of it. Just feels like everything she ever told me was a lie. I should have known better, she cheated on my before. So I think she wanted a break to test the water, so she can get with someone else. She ever called me a "safety" because she knows I "still love her so much"

I am just kicking myself for caring so much for someone like this, it is just too crazy.

It's time to stop focusing on her and start thinking about you.

1. Remain NC no matter what. She's moving on. If she contacts you it's for her own selfish reasons. Stay NC and stop being a puppy dog when she calls.

2. Start doing nice things for you. Join a gym, join some social or sports groups.

3. Start journaling about how bad you really feel about all this. And stay out of her head. Stop yourself when you start sentences with "I think she...." You're just driving yourself crazy.

Keep the focus on YOU and your moving on. And be good to you!

I try so hard to focus on myself, I wish I can be more selfish... I think that is why everyone takes advantage of that... It is just so hard, she is in my head every moment... I just want to forget her and maybe the pain will stop...

We said no contact and then she txted me that she was going on her trip so we text back and forward for a bit. Then she ignores me, next time she text, I just want to text back "don't txt me anymore unless it is important." that's what she said to me...

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Originally Posted by ldanny

i try so hard to focus on myself, i wish i can be more selfish... i think that is why everyone takes advantage of that.... It is just so hard, she is in my head every moment... i just want to forget her and maybe the pain will stop....

we said no contact and then she txted me that she was going on her trip so we txt back and forward for a bit. then she ignores me, next time she txt, I just want to txt back "don't txt me anymore unless it is important." thats what she said to me...

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You have to take back your power. NC is NC. Ignore her texts and don't text her.

Until you go NC completely she is going to be in your head and you have to focus on YOU.

She's focused on her and you're focused on her. NO ONE is focused on you! Not fair! So you have to focus on yourself.