Hello everyone.

I'm new to this place and what brought me here was desperation. After almost nine years, she's left me high and dry. We decided to move in together, so I've been moved out since September with her. It was all great for a few months, then she began getting annoyed with me. While I was willing to meet her half way with everything, she never did the same. It was her way or the highway. For example: if she needed help with something, I was suppose to offer instead of her just asking for it. I can understand that (to a certain extent) but the main problem was us going out to do stuff. I admit, we didn't go out very much. She would complain and I told her, "If you feel like going out or want to go out sometime, just let me know." We've had two big fights about this and she's agreed with me about that, but then she goes against her word and says, "I shouldn't have to ask you."

Two days have passed since she packed up and left me without saying a word. I called and she wants time and that I should respect that. I was begging, doing anything I could to get her back. I just can't believe this is happening. The nights here feels so alone. Today I went to work and it was the longest eight hours I've ever experienced. I cried four times (went to the bathroom) and felt so weak I couldn't stand up without shaking, not to mention I am not eating. Haven't eaten for two days now. This whole mess makes me want to kill myself (not going to) because I feel like it's all my fault.

Regardless, I've read some experiences and want to thank you all for helping me cope with this. Reading everything helps me a lot. I've never experienced something so painful and I don't know how long it will take to heal but I have no choice.

Things I'm doing:
NC / friends / family / work / hobbies / me

If there's any additional advice out there, please feel free. I need all I can have at this point.

I don't understand why all was well for 8 years, and then as soon as you moved in together it all went pear shaped.

What was different when you weren't living together? Why did she have to ask you to go out? Why would she leave without telling you?

Perhaps the first thing you need to consider is why it happened. Give yourself time to reflect on this and seek counselling if you truly want to be objective about your own behaviour. Don't beat yourself up - we all make mistakes. The most important thing is to learn from them.

You may feel awful for a couple more weeks but it will start to ease, particularly if you set about understanding what you did to create the break up. Use this as an opportunity to learn about yourself and create the conditions for happier relationships in the future.

The difference was the 8 years of not living together, obviously she didn't like living with me. We both have made mistakes but got through them (I did, didn't seem she did). The going out part, it was with just us. She would want me to ask her if we can go out instead of her saying she wants to go out. I did this but I guess it wasn't enough.

Donot beg, donot try to contact her, let her make her decision, if she thinks that the relationship is worth salvaging she will come back.In by the way needy and desperate is never attractive.

Sounds like you are on the right track.

I think that you guys dragged out your relationship longer than it should have been. Everything that happened seems inevitable. You were eventually going to move in together one day and she was eventually going to see your bad habits. I'm sorry you guys didn't realize it sooner. But better late than never. So hopefully you can have some peace knowing that you might have feelings for each other, but you weren't right for each other.

Any breakup is going to be tough, but at least you gained experience and you are more aware of what type of girl you want. So when the next girl comes along, she'll be really special!

Thanks guys, I'm trying to be as strong as possible right now. I cannot be alone right now, I always have to be doing something with my friends or family. I still can't eat or sleep very well if you have any suggestions for that.

First things first. You need to worry about yourself 100%. Sounds cliché, but it's true.

Just remember that whatever you do right now will leave a lasting impression on her. If you grovel and act like a baby she will remember those moments. And while you may hope she see's it as sweet and that you care - it's not the impression she will have. In reality she will see you as a big pu$$y who can't hold his own. You need to be a man here. Be strong and deal with what you've been dealt.

My advice. If she contacts you (don't contact her) tell her in a heartfelt way that you love her and it's sad that this has happened. But that you will give her what she wants. And that's it!

Then you can go cry in a corner for the next 3 months (which is normal by the way). Work on yourself and all that other jazz that people say here.

If there's ONE huge thing I regret-- it was losing my dignity. Things I did and said back during my breakup make me cringe and feel sick. Don't do the same thing.

Does she have someone else?

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Originally Posted by oldenoughtoknow

Does she have someone else?

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Why does this matter.

That's what I needed to hear, king. I've thought about being 'sweet' and giving her flowers at work or at her house, telling her I want her back but I see how things are viewed from a different person. Thanks man.

She said she isn't seeing someone else but that may very well be the case. Maybe she's trying to protect my feelings... either way, I need to deal with it and prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

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Originally Posted by ajGambino

That's what I needed to hear, king. I've thought about being 'sweet' and giving her flowers at work or at her house, telling her I want her back but I see how things are viewed from a different person. Thanks man.

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Flowers and all that are OK for certain situations- but sadly your situation is past that. Think of this too.. do you really want to be able to sweet talk your way with flowers to a girl who walked out? Walking out is a big deal and requires a lot of thought and SHOULDN'T be able to be made all better with some flowers.


First impressions are important, but I think the lasting impression is the most critical. Those last moments of any meeting are what people think about over and over again.

Walk away with your head high. If she comes back great (she probably won't, sorry) but if she doesn't she'll remember the man she left behind. And you'll be able to continue life the man you really are.. growing and learning every step of the way.

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Originally Posted by a la king

Why does this matter.

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I was wondering why after 9 years would someone just leave like that for what seems to me none issues or issues that couldn't be worked out.

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Originally Posted by oldenoughtoknow

I was wondering why after 9 years would someone just leave like that for what seems to me none issues or issues that couldn't be worked out.

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Well none of that really matters right now. It's all about him and his coping at this point. Stressing over the thought of an ex being with someone else only adds to the fire.

I will try my hardest and for myself, not for anyone else. I still can't believe she left me high and dry after all we've been through but I guess that's the last thing I should be thinking about.

*sigh* and the pain goes on...

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Originally Posted by ajGambino

*sigh* and the pain goes on...

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Embrace it! It's one of the few times where you're allowed to be a suck! ;)

I've been in NC since April 21st and still counting. I'm happy to say I've gotten my appetite back. I still think about her but now see a clearer picture. At first it was all about regret, thinking about, "if I hadn't/would of done this/that, things would of been different..." Having time to think about it all, I was just giving her an excuse for her to leave me and didn't see the true picture of she just didn't want to be with me anymore. She wanted to 'spread her wings' and explore her interests and feelings and used a decoy in either guilt or to spare my feelings.

I'm not happy about it, probably won't be for a while... but a good thing is I'm learning about my mistakes and learning that it takes two people to end a relationship so beating myself up for it was only adding regret to what I did wrong when in fact she had a lot to do with it. I've back-tracked and have even seen a bunch of red flags for ME to end the relationship.

Anyway, I'm making the most of the situation. Threw away all her stuff she gave me, going back to school, reunited with a few friends, learning how to play guitar, working my a$$ off at work. I can't thank you guys enough for helping me.

I'm glad you're moving through it - see, it's isn't that hard when you put your mind to it (unlike some other posters!). Keep well and keep happy.

Yeah, I need to keep my mind set on my goals, my beliefs, MY LIFE. I can't believe how much my life evolved around her.

Now I'm seeing a bigger picture and even though I still think about her and the relationship, I don't have urges to contact her anymore. I think I'm off to a pretty good start, just need to keep my head up.

Oh boy, she called me and texted me about an hour ago but I told my friend to delete the text and I didn't pick up the phone. That just brought back a whole lot of things I don't want to deal with. Ugh..

Threads merged

It's been since April 21st since I last talked to my ex when she ended our 9 year relationship. As I've been trying to deal with things the right way (going out with friends, work, new hobbies), I seem to keep coming back to thoughts I can't help.

I keep thinking about her going out with other guys, kissing other guys and eventually sleep with other guys. It's so hard for me sometimes, I just want these thoughts to end. Seems like I have more bad days then good. It started positive, now it's just going down hill... I hate this.

Everyone goes through this stage. It sucks and it seems so endless but we have to always think that sometime we have to forget what we feel to be better.

Try and make yourself remember the bad occasions. When she upset you, when she made you feel bad, when you argued or shouted at each other. String all these memories together and keep re-living them over and over again. Eventually the other thoughts will fade into nothing. It worked for me, but it takes time and some effort. Good Luck.

NC is one heck of a roller coaster ride, it's always changing. One day you feel good, then a week goes by where everything reminds you of her, those are the times you need your hobbies and friends the most. It does get better, it just takes time

Your mind has a way of playing tricks on you. After a break-up you tend to focus on the good memories but when this happens immediately think of something else. Don't hold on that thought.

Your break-up is still fresh and everything your feelings and going through is normal just whatever you do, don't break NC.

With a lot of willpower and patience your survive. Keep yourself busy and hopefully you have a support system wherever your at and you can always come on here.

Believe or not exercising is good for you especially when your going through NC. Your be surprise on how good you will feel after a workout.

The beauty of NC is that you NEVER have to know about your ex, for the rest of your life if you so desire. I hate to be the guy who breaks it to you, but she will date, kiss and sleep with other guys. It is life. You WILL date, kiss and sleep with other girls, it is life. If you do this right, you won't have what happened to me happen to you. Avoid contact and avoid seeing, and even hearing about your ex, and these thoughts will be just that, thoughts. You have gone a little more than two weeks. After nine years, two weeks is comparable to 2 hours. It will take a lot more time.

I believe I read somewhere that each year together equals about two months apart to get over her. So, you're looking at a year an a half, if you stick with the formula.

You can speed this up by following the NC rules, getting your own life on track, and enjoying your own activities and group of friends. I'm still not completely over my ex either, but it's only been a couple weeks for me as well. However, I'm not letting my thoughts control my life.

Check out my sig, it might help you out :)

~ Tee

These feelings will pass. Just do whatever it takes to stay distracted and have fun. Do not contact her. It will cause these feelings to persist, or in my case comeback.

Once these feelings pass, you don't want them coming back... It Sucks!

9 years is a long time. I would actually discourage putting a deadline on when you think you should be over this. Everyone is affected by a break-up differently and will also heal differently. Some people take longer to heal, while others don't.

It's normal to feel the things that you feel. I think the toughest part in the recovery process is that you have to accept that she is not longer your significant other. She's just another regular person now.

I wish there was a quick recovery process too, but it just doesn't work that way. The fact that you dated for 9 years means that you will probably take even more time to recover than someone that broke up from a much shorter relationship.

There are times that you will see things that remind you of her and you will start thinking about her. Try your best to block out those thoughts and think about something else. I know it's tough, but try your best.

I find that reconnecting with old friends that interacted a lot with our exes sometimes causes us to remind ourselves of our ex. So
One thing that really helps is to make new friends. It will feel like a fresh start.

Patience is the key. It will take time, but you WILL recover. You got to believe in that.

I'm right here with you man. I have the same thoughts and feelings. It really sucks. But I've been NC for about the same time. We'll get through it.

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Originally Posted by ajGambino

I keep thinking about her going out with other guys, kissing other guys and eventually sleep with other guys.

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When my ex broke up with me this was a big problem I had to deal with. I can honestly say stay NC and don't ask anyone about your ex. What you don't know won't hurt you. 3 months into my break up I asked about ex and was told she had a new boyfriend. My 3 months of healing was thrown out the door, and went back to square one. So please stay NC and don't ask about your ex until you are healed.

I appreciate everyone's comments and support. I'm such a rookie when it comes to being the breakee, I've never dealt with this before.

I know what I'm suppose to do, I know what I'm suppose to avoid. I've controlled my urges to call her or make contact in some way. Venting to you guys is definitely helping me out, thanks.

I have a question. After this whole thing happened, I began smoking. Is it OK to continue smoking through all of this? I know health wise, it's not a good idea. But to cope with all of this while smoking... is that OK?

Not OK!

Try to not use bad habits as a crutch. Smoking is bad and very hard to quit. It is also repulsive to a lot of women.

I started back up after my ex broke-up with me after being smoke free for 3 years. Now I got to go through the pain in the a$$ process of quitting AGAIN, for the 3rd time... LOL! I think I'm doing pretty well. I only had had 1 this week (slipped up while I was drunk, that's my trigger).

Try to quit and get healthy. Easier said than done... and I should know!

Girls! Jeesh! Okay, yes, I am a girl, but still, jeesh!

You're better off without her. She wanted a mind reader, someone that only thought about her and her needs.

Heck, I'd love it if I didn't have to tell hubby everything but I do. If I want to go out and I don't tell him then how is it his fault he didn't figure it out?

You're doing great. This isn't easy, you'll take many steps backwards but you will go on.

I'm glad you're here talking to all these guys, they're great. It does help coming here and spilling your guts so keep it up.

As for the smoking. I'd love to say don't do it, it's bad for you, but really, it's up to you. You know what to do. :)

Good luck. Stay strong. This too shall pass.

Let's put it this way:

It was waaaaaaaaaaaaaay easier to get over an ex breaking it off with me than it is to quit smoking.

I take issue with the smoking thing... I for one think smoking isn't as bad for me as my ex was... just saying

^^ I second that opinion.

Thanks for your advice, it's been really hard for me. I sort of took a step back emotionally and keep thinking of what's never going to happen anymore. I think about the good things and the bad, it's just that the good things seem to heavily out-weigh the bad things about the relationship.

Ugh, I just want to move past all of this.