I have just found out that my parter has been visiting massage parlors for masturbation. This has totally shattered me as I never thought for one second that he was capable of this sort of behaviour. When I confronted him he denied it but I have the proof. He has confessed to me that up until a couple of years ago he had an addiction to these 'massages' for which he saw a therapist but swears that he is not doing it again. I have the proof that he has, including records of his phone calls to these girls. I consider what he is doing to be cheating even though he is not having actual sexual intercourse with them. I am a mess and don't know what to do. He made me believe that he had the same ideals about sharing your body with others as I do. I really don't have anyone to talk to and I feel dirty and also afraid that I have a disease. Has anyone been through a similar experience. I don't know whether to leave or not. Our relationship was great and he says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. I love him so much and I am devastated. I feel like my life has been taken from me. He said he will go to counseling but that I'm not allowed to raise the fact that he had a past addiction to these girls. He has told me that it's my problem that I don't trust him.

This is fully a relationship issue, not a sexuality issue. There are many here who give excellent relationship advice - and even advice regarding addictions, however I strongly believe that the two of you together counceling with a professional is what you should seek. I'll move this to Relationships where I think it will get more views.

Thank you rickj for responding to me. I have been hoping someone would respond. I haven't slept for 3 days now and I keep vomiting and imagining it all and what he has done. I don't know what to do. I am really stuffed up now

Your partner needs help in a big way, but if he has an addiction then he must decide that he needs help and it doesn't sound as if he has hit bottom. You could seek help yourself and ask if he will come, but don't hold high hopes for it. If he does not want help with his problem then you must do whatever you have to to protect yourself from his problem. If its possible some time away from him so that he can THINK about his options may be in order and it may sound drastic but is very necessary for you to organise your thoughts and let him know you will not stand idly by and allow this behavior. If you must get checked by a doctor do so, but if all he does is masturbate, no sex then passing a STD is almost nil ( NEVER believe an addicted person)but do it for your own peace of mind. It is hard to live and deal with an addict so put YOURSELF first and take no excuses, just positive action on his part. I also wonder if you two ever talk to each other and if their may be a communication break-down somewhere. Counselling for you both would be the ideal solution. Good Luck

I have said to him that we need to get some help together. It's been four days since I found out and, at first he said (and even booked) a lie dector test (that was his idea not mine) and counselling but yesterday he said that he won't do any of those things because he shouldn't have to prove himself to me. He said he will go to counselling as long as I don't talk about his past 'addiction' to these girls but that I have to move out of the house for him to even go to counselling. He has become very angry. He is not violent and is still good to me

Ok, when you go to counseling you have to talk about everything, from what you think of your parents to everything you have done.

And of course his past cheatings has to be discussed in counseling.

So I would tell him either he goes to counseling or you two do a temporary separation, don't allow him to back out of it. And besides marriage counseling, he also needs private counseling to work on his aditition problem.

This is my opinion anyway

Hi goldnugget!

I feel for you! I would be totally devastated too!

Sounds to me as though he thinks you are the one with problems... not him! And... HE DOES NEED TO PROVE HIMSELF TO YOU! It is a form of cheating! Sounds as though he has NO respect for you or your feelings! The TRUST issue is because of him and not you! I don't understand some people when they so something SO STUPID and turn it around on their partner! You are not to blame here! He has a lot of changing to do and I you DO need to move out! He has to be willing to change in order for the relationship to work! If and/or when you go to counseling... his past "addition" does need to be brought up! That is the whole reason that there are problems in the relationship!

You know what he did is wrong but it doesn't sound like he completely COMPREHENDS this! This man appauls me!

Good Luck and stay strong! Keep telling yourself that you deserve better than this because... YOU DO!!

I finally agree with you this time :), good points

There are many types of addiction out there. Some are repairable and some aren't. The only times its not repairable is when your body is completely dependent to the substance like drugs, marijuana, alcohol, smoking and other things but it's not always the case. Your whole system can't function without any of these substances/chemicals associated with. If you do intend to stop the addiction usually it will be a gradual process, time consuming, replacement of a new drug or similar non-destructive substance, patience, and with a positive outlook. I've had a couple addictions in the past. And I never went for a therapist because I wasn't dangerous with myself or anyone else for that matter. Your partner could be unmotivated, unhappy, or unsatisfied with your sexual activity/practices. Some women out there bear such talents and skills how to fulfill a man's maximum satisfaction. If he has already attained that level in the past it will be up to you to challenge that action. I know it will be hard to trust someone with such malevolent addiction/actions but you can work it out without even going to a therapist. If you both believe it is necessary then do it. If he's not inclined to do so don't push him or that will even disturb the whole situation. The responsibility is mostly his part. He needs to stop doing this or else he will not be able to have a healthy relationship with you or anyone in the future. If you do want to support him then do what's best for both of you. Motivate him; fulfill what's his greatest desire. I don't think it's dirty if you want to make him happy sexually regardless if the action seems naughty.

He is trying to make you feel it is your fault. He is mad because you caught him in a lie and he can't talk himself out of it. That is common with addictive personalities. It is not your fault, he has the problem and he has to talk about it to overcome it. Asking you not to bring it up at counseling defeats the purpose of going to counseling.

I am so sorry for you, I know a guy that frequents those places and I do not believe his wife knows. I was amazed when I found out because he is such a nice person. If he does not go to counseling, possibly you can to help you make some decisions. Good luck.

Well, I think you need to end the relationship. I agree that he needs help and even if he gets it he's already done something that you consider cheating. To me if my partner even kisses someone that's cheating so this crosses that line obviously. The very fact that your physically sick and not sleeping is your bodies way of saying "this is painful please make it stop." Just get out before you start down the cycle of pain. Please you'll be happier later when your emotions die down trust me.

Thanks for the advice so far. I am still deciding whether to leave him. I am just so shattered and confused. Does anyone know if diseases like HPV can be contracted through masturbation because my last pap smear tested positive for the virus and in the past my pap smears have always been normal? I would hate to imagine what these girls have on their hands and under their fingernails given the number of men that they 'service' each day. I feel so sick

I googled hpv and read up on it, I suggest you do the same. Also does he know about you having this virus? Bringing diseases home is a deal breaker in my book so my advice is to do whatever it takes to protect you and your health. Stop with the imaging or you'll drive yourself crazy, just find you another spot on the earth to set up life, This relationship has no communication nor does it have any caring and he may need more help than you can give.

Deep Breaths first of all, you should not torment yourself over this, repeat after me, this isn't your fault!

I am sorry, on behalf of men, that many of us are such pigs... and I mean that.

Your boundaries have clearly been crossed, go see your Dr. talk to your family, don't bottle the pain up too much, go get reaquanted with an old friend, and perhaps join a gym (if you haven't already) and work out... this will help clear your head and make sleeping easier.

Live and learn. Again sorry to hear this, its not terribly uncommon, but that does not make it any LESS wrong!

I have decided to leave him. I feel so sick and he has turned it all onto me. He now tells me that he hopes that one day he can love me again but because I keep questioning him he says he doesn't love me right now. I don't understand how someone can love someone one day and not the next. He has booked a counselling session for tomorrow but again says that I am not allowed to raise his past addiction to getting masturbated by these girls. I made love to him today for the first time since I found out about this and now I feel so sick. I feel disgusted by myself that I love him so much and that I would let him have sex with me, after which he tells me that he doesn't love me after 3 years together. He says it's my fault that he doesn't love me right now. I feel really violated and disgusting. I really need to talk to someone

Well I obviously don't know all the in's and out's of your relationship... you two certainly need some time apart though. Don't over think this, your boundaries were crossed, you feel violated, that feeling is NOT going to go away ANY time soon. You must buy yourself some time to sort through all of this. Stand up for yourself, nobody else will or can stand up for you like you. Be strong.

Leaving him, at least for a while is a great move I think.

I left him this morning. This is killing me and hurts so much. I love him so much and never would have thought this could happen. There were no signs at all that I wasn't satisfying him and he still says that he was very happy with me, attracted to me etc.

He is now suffering for his mistake.

I have just found out that my partner has been visiting massage parlors for masturbation. Is it possible to get diseases from this? I know the masturbation takes place unprotected and there is no other form of contact. It worries me about what might be on the hands and under the fingernails of these girls who 'service' these disgusting men. My last pap smear one month ago tested positive to hvp virus. I am terrified of what else I may have.

To clear your mind, I would suggest you go get another smear test done.

He is going to say a lot of things to you to make you feel guilty and that you did something wrong. Do not believe them. By his telling you he does not love you know, he is putting you on the defensive. You are possibly thinking, what have I done to make him not love me now, he is the one who did the wrong thing, but what did I do to make him do that. None of this is true, even that he does not love you now. He is mad because you caught him and he is possibly angry at himself. He needs counseling and you need to get away. I do not know how much counseling will help when he won't bring up that he has had a past addiction with this. He is basically denying he has a problem. Until you admit the problem and admit you do want to do something about it. It is just a ploy to make you think he is doing something about it. You need to go ahead with your plans and leave and make sure your health is OK. See a doctor immediately. I am so sorry you have to feel all of the pain.

sorry to hear this.

if I did this, and then refused to get appropriate help for it or appropriate help to mend the marriage, id probably be thrown out on my rear... and I have a great marriage to person who, like me, believes marriage takes deliberate, intentional work sometimes and shouldn't be tossed aside when things get tough.

when in doubt, always get tested. Its much easier to deal with reality than to worry about the unknown... because if you are not sure, you are still stressed about things that may not be of concern.

as for the hpv concern... I'm in no way saying its no big deal, as you know some of the concerns w hpv. But this could have easily come from a prior partner that you or he had. Hpv can be silent in the body for years and in men it is often asymptomatic. This does not mean he was unfaithful (as in having intercourse) or that he contracted this from the massage parlors. Sexual contact is required. There's no reliable test for men, and most women have the virus by the time they are in their 50's.

again, I'm not saying its no big deal. You'll need to schedule checkups with your doctor since you are +, but I just don't think you are ever going to know the source of the infection, due to its latency. I'm unsure about whether the latent virus consistently tests + or not. I do know younger women who test + can again test - later on... so its just tricky to try to decide when this contact occurred. j_9 or another member might have insights on whether the latent virus tests + consistently or whether it can test - for some time. Since I believe it is a DNA test, id expect you can detect latent virus, but there are detection issues still in some women. I know enough to know I don't know enough. That clear?

as for his being attracted to you... I know this is hard to take, but it might very well be he is absolutely attracted to you. Please don't look at this as a failure of you to satisfy him. I have a friend who is now in a solid relationship of several years. This guy has an admitted addiction to some really risky sexual behaviour with random women. He's largely cleaned himself up, still admits there's a strong drive, but a lot of it was an addiction to some kind of "danger" element... he loved risk and loved deviant behaviour, and it really had nothing to do with any of his partners not satisfying him. They could have done everything under the sun and hed still want the risk factor that his partner couldn't give. Near as I can tell, this guy seems to have put the behaviour in the past. But I'm sure he still craves it.

so your partner has put you in an awful place. I think you need to give yourself some time to figure out what it all means. You've got a lot to process.

if there is any "good" news, its like I said... id rather deal with reality. You know what's going on now. You can make decisions based on the truth. Sorry its been so painful for you.

Thank you for the advice. I saw my doctor today who said there is a small risk of catching some sexually transmitted diseases from massage parlors so I have had all the tests and just have to wait. I can't believe he says that what he has done is none of my business when he has put my health at risk. I also saw a counsellor today who suggested that I don't take his calls etc for a while until I get some strength back.

Glad you saw your doctor. Just not good to put that off.

And yes, if his risky behaviour can lead to health issues for you, then you have every right to be offended and upset about his recklessness.

You need to do whatever it is you need to do to get yourself centered. If that means shutting him out for some time, its reasonable. I think you're even entitled to being "unreasonable" at this point. Only you can really decide what's right for you. Take your time. You're doing a good job handling an upsetting situation.

Thank you so much for all the advice so far. It has been helpful to talk to someone, even if it is just posting on here. I am finding it really hard to be away from him and harder not to call him. He says he still wants to go to counselling in the hope that we can work through it but that he needs to be apart from me to decide whether he still loves me and also that I still can't raise the fact that he had an addiction to being masturbated by these girls in the past. He says he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me up until I snooped on him and found all this stuff out. How does someone just stop loving someone like that. I don't understand it. I would never have snooped unless I had reason. I have never snooped on anyone in my life up until now and I always trusted him implicitly until this. I wish I didn't love him so much and could just let go of him because I know I will never be able to be with someone who can do that. Why would someone choose a dirty prostitute over a loving partner? I am still in so much pain and so confused.

Wow.

What a master of shifting the blame... he loved you until you discovered the truth...

And he will agree to get help, on his terms, his rules.

I can't tell you how to stop loving someone when the breakup is harsh like this. I had a terrible breakup that took me a couple of years to get over.

I can tell you this. This guy is not willing to live in the same reality as you are. Things might have been great on some levels, but it sounds like he needs a hidden life to be happy.

An addict who is not willing to face the addiction is not going to recover.

You got a long road... and its going to hurt like hell for some time... but unless he genuinely has a change of heart and seeks REAL help and STOPS shifting the blame to you, I think you need the distance to begin centering yourself without him.

Do not let him get away with pushing his deceitful behaviour onto you. "im sorry you snooped and i was caught" is not an apology (my wife's fav line is "im sorry you are an a$$ isn't an apology). And his love for you has wavered because now he has trust issues with you??

He's clueless. He's embarrassed. He's trying like hell to shift the blame. Do not let him.

Had to spread the love kp, but you are on the money. Addicts not only destroy themselves but everyone around them. I hope Goldnugget realizes that unless he WANTS help he will never get it. It is important for her not to believe anything that comes out of his lying mouth and to protect herself and her self esteem against his self serving attacks on her.

I suppose another way to see where he is coming from is to go to the counseling sessions, agreeing to his terms in the beginning... just to see his approach. Is he inventing problems? Is he trying to shift the blame on your side? What exactly does he use this time for?

Ultimately, you know that the things which he refuses to get help about need to be addressed.

We had a counselling session today. We both told her our stories about what has happened and I feel much better for it. I finally felt like my feelings in this whole situation were validated. He actually brought up the fact that he had a past addiction to these prostitutes but said he wished he had never told me about it. The counsellor was so supportive of my reaction to the whole thing and wants to see me by myself again next Wednesday. The pain is still so great but I am feeling more like I am OK. He told the counsellor that he wants our relationship to work but that because I snooped on him etc that he is confused as to whether he still loves me and wants to be with me. I am looking forward to seeing her again next week by myself. She has helped me get my head around some of it and to make me feel OK about my pain.

Well...

I think he's got a lot more work to do, but glad that he was willing to bring up the issue.

It might be that he finally sees how serious this is. My brother in law never, ever took his wife seriously when she left him, on two different occasions. Hed clean up a little, be better for some time, and then revert back to his old ways. He just never saw what was really at stake.

Now he knows, as he has been served w divorce papers and a restraining order. If hed only taken her pleas to heart and really, honestly gotten some help or changed his behavior, I know shed still be married to him today as she really did, and does, love him.

I hope your guy finally gets it. Good step forward. Glad to hear it.

Yes I understand what you are saying and I know that it has to end with us also. I'm not sure why I am hanging on really and it disgusts me that I would still let him touch me when he says that he doesn't love me anymore and given what he has done with hookers. I did it again tonight... I let him have sex with me because I love him so much but I know he doesn't love me. He said he has 'feelings' for me. I hate what I have become and I don't know what to do. I also don't understand why he would choose a hooker over me. A part of me feels like I want him to want me like that but our relationship isn't loving anymore yet I still want him to want me. It makes me sick that I would do that. I feel like I want to die. Why am I doing this? I hate him and I hate myself for letting him do this to me

OK... Ask yourself one question... Do you really love him or do love the "security" of having someone there? Are you just maybe scared of being alone? DON'T BE!! I at one time felt the same way but guess what... now I am available to find "the one"! NO MORE WASTING TIME ON MR. WRONG!! MOVE ON!

Do you honestly think he is going to change? SERIOUSLY??

PLEASE FOCUS ON #1... YOU!!

Oh, wow, are you really seriously thinking about going back to this so-called man? Well, let me put this to you straight.

HPV (human papillomavirus) is a virus that is the cause of common warts of the hands and feet, as well as lesions of the mucous membranes of the oral, anal, and genital cavities.

So, yes, he can get HPV from masturbation. Notice that the warts were on the hands.

More than 50 types of HPV have been identified, some of which are associated with cancerous and precancerous conditions. The virus can be transmitted through sexual contact, and specific types of the virus are a precursor to cancer of the cervix.

So, do you want to remain with a man who cared so little for you that he truly put your life in jeopardy?

Transmission has taken place without the presence of warts, indicating that it may occur trhough body fluids, such as semen or cervical secretions.

Now do you think he is still just paying for masturbation, or is there more to the story?

There is no specific cure for an HPV infection but can be controlled by podophyllin or interferon (which you will now have to take meds for the rest of your life).

So, I don't mean to sound so harsh, but are you really going to give this man another chance? Apparently he cared so little for you that he put your life in danger for his simple pleasure.

Sounds rather selfish to me. This is a condition you will have the rest of your life and have the possibility of passing on to anyone who you are with in the future.

You need to think long and hard about staying with this man. Sure he is sorry now, or at least he says he is, but he does not really care for you or he would not have committed a sin against the holy sacrement of marriage. He committed a sin, murder is a sin too. What would happen if you got cervical cancer from his little escapades? Would he go back to his little massage parlor and wallow in self-pity?

You haved loved this man for quite a long time. You cannot turn love off like a water fountain (even though he says he can),it is natural for you to be drawn back into the relationship. For your healths sake you do need to be strong and not allow him to manipulate you. Have you asked him to go to the doctor and be tested? It will take him a long time to get better if he really wants to. From the sounds of what he is saying, he is not ready, he is trying to get you to take the blame and he is hoping to brush this under the rug by going to counseling. When he says he does not love you because of your snooping. Tell him, quit trying to make me the bad guy here, you did it. The best way to make an addict responsible is to put it back on them. Don't even think any of this is your fault. Do not take offense to his wanting a"massage person" more than you. That has nothing to do with you. He has a problem and it has nothing to do with his wanting or not wanting you. When in a relationship with an addict you must separate yourself from that persons behavior. They do what they do because they want to, no one makes them, and no one can make them stop until they want to. Do not even go there thinking you are inadaquite. Remember, it has nothing to do with you, other than the fact that you are terribly hurt by his behavior and addiction.

First of all, STDs aren't spread by masturbation so you have little to worry about in that regard. Unfortunately, your "partner" (you never did elaborate on the actual level of your relationship) has some serious issues if he is in fact doing the things you say he is. He needs extensive counseling and therapy. Until he shows significant progress in that regard I'd steer clear of him. Regardless of what he says, you have every reason not to trust him.

Unfortunately, S, HPV CAN be spread by masturbation. If the female has a cut on her hand and the man she is masturbating has HPV, then the ejaculate gets into the wound and voilà!! She contracts the HPV warts on her hand.

While unusual, it is possible. Look above at my thread. What I wrote up there was the definition of HPV out of Mosby's Medical Dictionary for Health Care Providers.

So, it is possible.

Well cinaci my doctor told me that quite a few diseases can be transmitted by masturbation, especially with a prostitute because they 'service' so many men a day. He said that hpv is one of them. I have never had an abnormal pap smear until now. He also said that I would be at risk of other diseases. He said that I was at low risk but still at risk. I have now seen the psych two more times and feel a bit stronger. I still love him but know that it has to end. I am just taking it day by day. He told me that he does love me again but my reaction to the whole thing made me question his love for me. I now realise he is sick and that I have to find a way to move on with my life.

I suspect your getting it in gear and starting to look out for you. Good I support that kind of thinking 100%. Don't stop keep going.

I just wanted to thank everybody for their advice. I have moved back to my home state right away from him. He calls me and tells me that he loves me but I am stronger now and know that I have made the right decision. I am still getting counselling which is helping me heaps and know that I cannot live with a man who would do this. So... thanks everyone for your advice and support when I really needed it. You helped me a lot. I have a long road ahead but I know I can do it.

I'm sorry you are in this place.

I'm glad you are taking the time to center yourself, wherever you end up.

Glad you found the site, including the tough love sometimes, helpful.