I need your help. I am 28 & my b/f is 40. I have been dating my boyfriend of 3 years and lately I have been having doubts or better yet opened my eyes!
Here goes:
I was separated from my husband when I met my boyfriend.. Who was also married at the time? He helped me to divorce my husband, but unfortunately he stayed married. He explained to me that he never loved his wife of 17 yrs. He stayed with her because of the 3 children (1 being with a woman outside his marriage). He told me that since he came from a divorced home that he never wanted to make his kids go through that. So I went along with this for the 3 years. He has taken care of me 100% financially and is a great man except for the fact he hasn't left his wife, but has told me everyday for the last 3 years that he wants to marry me (literally everyday).
He just bought us a house which is nearing completion and I guess he will make his move to leave his wife and move into our new house... except now I am having doubts. I am almost fearful... He once tried to end it with me over me waking him up when he was trying to sleep and this has always been on my mind that he could end our relationship so quickly and the fact that I begged him to stay. I've never begged a man to stay. I've deep down lost my sense of stability and have corned myself by not having a job.. etc.
I love him but am fearful that once we move in together and I make a move similar to the one "of waking him when he was sleeping” he will threaten to leave me again. I guess I’ve lost my sense of stability. Also he says that I can have 1 child and that's it. I guess he's saying this because he already has 3. Either way, I’m horribly confused because I don’t' want to make a huge mistake.. Once was plenty enough...

You're dating a MARRIED man!! What in the world. Here's my adivce, STOP! I'm sorry, it's hard for me to sympathize with your plight. Have you ever thought what his wife will feel like if/when he leaves her and moves into a new house with you RIGHT after a 17 yr marriage?

Honestly, I hope his wife leaves him, and you guys break-up too. Sorry to be harsh, but there are some seriously odd people in this world, and this type of stuff that you're doing is one thing that makes the world odd.

Leave this man alone, he has MAJOR ISSUES. More importantly, YOU HAVE MAJOR ISSUES. Go talk to someone, maybe your friends, maybe a shrink about WHY YOU SHOULD NOT BE DATING A MARRIED MAN! And for 3 YEARS!? Do your parents know you've dated a married man for 3 years?

Oh and by the way, this guy IS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!! He is SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND.

I'm sorry you love him, but that's your fault. Jesus, what is it with people? Seriously.

What I don't understand is why he is still married to this women while having an affair with you! :confused:

Ok you said his reasoning to this is because he came from a divorced family and didn't want his kids to pass through the same thing but is this guy living with you or his wife??

I think you should find yourself a job and become financially stable in any case it always wise to be independent.

You also guess he will leave his wife and move in with you when your house is completed... and do you seriously believe him, its been 3 years, why would he do his move now?

You are absolutely right

AND, he is going behind his wife's back, do you think he won't do this to you too? He will I promise that. Get away from him girl. You can do better. Right now you are the "other woman" that every good woman hates. He will do the same thing to you and then you will be just like his wife is now-at home with a couple of kids while your husband is out with another woman-buying her a house and planning to leave you and be with her. Either way, you lose. Get away from this guy and save yourself

He has a young thing on the side and built you a house and taken good care of you. What a catch, but the house he shares with you is community property and do you really think you will stay there after his wife finds out.You have no job so you are completely under his control and he does have ALL the power to do with you as he will and I suspect he has already. So now you have believed everything he says and are scared to make him mad so what is it you really have? Right nothing. You can stay with master or go and get a life you want oh unless the nothing life you have is what you want then enjoy.

Sorry to be blunt... - he will never leave his wife.

He has his cake and eats too.

Why do women do this?? Why?? He's mariied - he's not your boyfriend.

This is very unhealthy.

Go out and find an available man and have healthy relationship.

He's married. He's a controlling creep.

Quite honestly, like I said before, there are many nice people on this board. Far nicer than me when I read stuff like this. The only advice I offer is stop doing what you're doing. Not because this man has power over you, not because he is using you, but because WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS WRONG.

Plain and simple. You are KNOWINGLY dating a married man. WHAT THE HELL?

Love makes us stupid, love makes us blind, but what you're doing I think is evil. And you know you're doing it. This man is already destroying his family, and you are playing A MAJOR PART in that.

You are selfish. If this man marries you, I hope he cheats on you for 3 years and then leaves you. Perhaps then you will understand what an awful thing he's doing and THE PART YOU'RE PLAYING in it.

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Originally Posted by ilovcali

Quite honestly, like I said before, there are many nice people on this board. Far nicer than me when I read stuff like this. The only advice I offer is stop doing what you're doing. Not because this man has power over you, not because he is using you, but because WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS WRONG.

Plain and simple. You are KNOWINGLY dating a married man. WHAT THE HELL?

Love makes us stupid, love makes us blind, but what you're doing I think is evil. And you know you're doing it. This man is already destroying his family, and you are playing A MAJOR PART in that.

You are selfish. If this man marries you, I hope he cheats on you for 3 years and then leaves you. Perhaps then you will understand what an awful thing he's doing and THE PART YOU'RE PLAYING in it.

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Right on Girl

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Originally Posted by ilovcali

Quite honestly, like I said before, there are many nice people on this board. Far nicer than me when I read stuff like this. The only advice I offer is stop doing what you're doing. Not because this man has power over you, not because he is using you, but because WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS WRONG.

Plain and simple. You are KNOWINGLY dating a married man. WHAT THE HELL?

Love makes us stupid, love makes us blind, but what you're doing I think is evil. And you know you're doing it. This man is already destroying his family, and you are playing A MAJOR PART in that.

You are selfish. If this man marries you, I hope he cheats on you for 3 years and then leaves you. Perhaps then you will understand what an awful thing he's doing and THE PART YOU'RE PLAYING in it.

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I had to spread more love Cali, so this is my 2 cents!!

This man is destroying his family, and you are a major part, like Cali said. But don't you have any feelings for his children? When they find out, and eventaully they will, some day in their lives, they will have been destroyed. They will hate you, they will hate him, and they may grow up doing the same thing Daddy does.

This is WRONG!! All WRONG!! I would hate to tell you what I would do to my husband AND YOU if I found out my husband were doing this to me.

He supports you financially, well, sorry to say that you are a kept woman. And also, with him supporting you financially, do you realize that the money he is supporting you with he is taking away from his KIDS!!

And NO he is NOT going to divorce his wife! No way! If he does decide to marry you he will be committing bigamy. Married to 2 women at the same time is against the law!

Don't you have any morals girl? I can't believe you actually thought that this was okay for 3 years!!

Sorry ilove... didn't mean to assume.:o

"ilovcali agrees: I'm actually a guy. Some of us have hearts too. :)"-so sorry I assumed. Forgive me, I should have taken that into consideration :o

I would hate to have this happen to me:eek: This poor married woman is being completely humiliated without even knowing it:mad: Man if I new these people I would go tell the poor wife and take both their butts through the ringer:mad: I cannot even believe this man is building a new house with another woman:eek: How does he keep this from him poor wife? #@* Man-O-Man-O-Man I could go on forever about how completely and morally wrong this whole situation is. This has been going on for three years, to boot:eek:

Poor wife and children is all I can say.

You do not under any circumstances move into that house until he is completely divorced.

You had no business in the first place being a MISTRESS - and that's all it is. He's married.

I agree with Wildcat here to a degree. You must make sure that he is legally divorced. He can present you with a bunch of crap, but you will not know unless you get the court papers signed by the JUDGE!!

I am sure this will never happen though.

Her seeing divorce papers is like me owning the world. It will never happen.

That was my exact point T. It will never happen. She is a kept woman and will continue to be so until everything blows up in her face.

And you are attracted to this coward of a man who is literally plotting to leave his wife and children because?? Only a coward has 2 babies with a woman and then decides he doesn't feel like he's still in love. Marriage is about Commitment, not necessarily just feelings. He doesn't have "feelings" for her anymore?? So, when he wakes up one morning and decides he doesn't have "feelings" for you anymore and leaves you for a younger model, will that be okay? He dishonors his wife and children with his behavior and the fact that he is stealing money from them to give to you should keep you up at night, apparently it doesn't. He is lying to you, sad divorce story or not, don't trust him. Your feelings are blinding your good judgment. Don't allow it any longer.

The most honorable thing you could do is leave this man 100% and let him try and work things out with his wife and family. You owe them at least that for all the time, finances and attention you have taken.

You need to work on yourself right now. Get a job and get back your independence. Also, I hate to put it this way, but if he'd leave his wife for you, guess who he'll leave next for someone else? And so on and so on... If I were in your shoes I'd have serious doubts too and not just over him getting angry when you woke him up. That's the least of your worries right now.

If he doesn't want his children to be the product of a divorced home then why is he risking giving them up by having an affair. That would work against him in a divorce proceeding. Furthermore, I'm sure the children, no matter how young they are would rather go through a divorce then find out there father leads a secret life away from home.

Wildcat will hate me for this because it's the nice guy in me but when this is over your going to say to yourself and your friends that no guy out there can be trusted or that all guys cheat and there are no good guys but in reality there are many of them and we would never do anything like this to the woman we love. That's why we can't ever understand why women put themselves in these situations.

You've given him everything and gotten nothing in return. If he died today you'd literally have nothing. All his belongings would become his wife's property and you'd be screwed over much worse than you are now.

Get rid of him. You would be hurting a lot of people in this case (the wife, the kids, yourself). Obviously, we don't know all the details, but it sounds like this dude has some problems with himself that he needs to work out. And the fact that he didn't leave his wife when he first starting having feelings for you, should say enough. What happens if in 10 yrs. He does the same thing to you? You can do better.

I wanted to thank everyone for their harsh but real reality checks. I never thought I would ever date a married man. I too was once married and valued the fact that my husband or myself never had to worry that the other would ever look to another. When I met my current relationship I was in a horrible divorce from my ex-husband and found comfort in him.
I know what I am doing is wrong, and for some reason it is slapping me in the face (hard). I was so blinded by the glitz and glam but now it is really bothering deep down in my heart, soul, mind, whatever. It seems everyday I am building up more and more anger and resentment and want a way out. I also think that if he can live this double life with her he can def do it with me. I am truly ashamed and knew the kind of replies I would get back, but am really glad not one person gave a positive response. Someone asked if my parents knew, but the answer is no! The sad thing is that all his family knows and actually say nothing because of his status / financial support he plays in their lives. I met his entire family in the first month of knowing him. This is probably why I was blind sided because his entire family says nothing and neither do all his friends, friends’ wives, or employees. Nobody says anything because he is a huge CEO and nobody dares to make him mad for the fact they might be left out of the dark financially. I realize this now that these people are not truly my friends and would lie and cover up for him if he ever decided to do this to me.
Since this post I have been brainstorming a few startup jobs I could do. Also, I use to be a network engineer before he came and made me pretty much a "kept woman". I know the hold he has on me financially because I have allowed him to take care of me. I feel that once I can take care of myself (which I have always done... even in my marriage) I can do it again and have to soon.
I am meeting with a counselor tomorrow to seek help in getting me out of my situation. Thank you again for making me see that I am not his true love, but a woman on the side.

I have just read through the responses and I have to agree that they were GREAT!! I am glad to hear that you are taking everyone's advice. I know you will feel much better about yourself and the person you are going to be. Take care.

Yes,
Good for you. You certainly have made some unwise and ill directed decisions in the past however you are showing a great strength and willlpower to admit you are wrong and are now trying to fix this mess.
I can only applaud the steps you have made so far and urge you to continue with and make good on what you say here.
Don't give in and go back because it gets too hard. You have to do this for the everyone's sake.
Good luck and keep us posted!

Your decision to continue dating this man knowing his situation was wrong. It made you feel secure during a time you really needed that security but that is not a justification. However, I am very happy to hear (read) the remorse in your post. Only good people feel guilt. There is something to be said about integrity and because of that, I would suggest if at all possible you leave him and everything he bought you and move in with a relative, parent, close friend, anyone who is willing to help you regain your strength until you can stand on your own two feet. I know it would be extremely awkward and uncomfortable to say the least, but you will walk away with something far greater that has no price tag, your dignity.

Again, thank you for your honesty. You posted here to confirm what you already knew, and there's nothing wrong with that, we all need support and encouragement sometimes. Even if it is from someone we have never met. Please keep us posted, we're here for you.

Yes, I applaud you for doing the right thing. You know you are. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you reach the light at the end of the tunnel, and that the tunnel is not too long. Also, I'm sorry I was harsh, but I'm glad you are doing what is right.

Man, this dude is a CEO? How can such massive jerks have such good lives? I mean, for what it's worth, his family life is fine for him, and he has the love of TWO women! Life really doesn't seem fair at all, for such a terrible person to have such a fulfilling life.

Well, you leaving him will hopefully be the first slap in this man's face. And hopefully there will be more. Maybe from his wife someday.

ilovcali agrees: Yes. Never in my life have I desired another woman when I was in a committed relationship. I loved the one I was with.

It is amazing isn't it? There are men who can and do love the one there with and they can't seem to get the chance and then there are guys like this who use and abuse women and the women can't seem to stop or let go. I don't have an answer to it (if such an answer exists) but happydays and other ladies out there you've got your choice between the good and the bad. Be strong and take a chance on the good guys.

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Originally Posted by chuff

ilovcali agrees: Yes. Never in my life have I desired another woman when I was in a committed relationship. I loved the one I was with.

It is amazing isn't it? There are men who can and do love the one there with and they can't seem to get the chance and then there are guys like this who use and abuse women and the women can't seem to stop or let go. I don't have an answer to it (if such an answer exists) but happydays and other ladies out there you've got your choice between the good and the bad. Be strong and take a chance on the good guys.

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I agree 100 per cent. Reality says that she is a dime a dozen . Sad isn't it but since you don't have the money to keep a woman , let a lone a woman and a family just take notes on how rich dudes do whatever, and poor guys like you (and me) can barely speak about it.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I agree 100 per cent. reality says that she is a dime a dozen . Sad isn't it but since you don't have the money to keep a woman , let a lone a woman and a family just take notes on how rich dudes do whatever, and poor guys like you (and me) can barely speak about it.

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I know they say money changes people but I'd like to think that if I came into money I'd use it to support my wife and children not use it against them.

You don't have to be rich though, I work with a beautiful woman who is seeing a police officer with a 8 month pregnant wife. She is so naïve and believes him when he says that he's been trying to divorce her for over a year but can't now because of the baby. Several have pointed out that timeline doesn't make since but she doesn't listen. She makes all kinds of excuses and really believes that once the baby is born he's leaving his wife for her. Of course another excuse will come, then another and the cycle continues. I sit back in amazement because despite her stupidity is really a great person at heart.

Chuff sorry my rating should have said :-
I am so with you on this one chuff.. totally :)

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Originally Posted by chuff

I know they say money changes people but I'd like to think that if I came into money I'd use it to support my wife and children not use it against them.

You don't have to be rich though, I work with a beautiful woman who is seeing a police officer with a 8 month pregnant wife. She is so naive and believes him when he says that he's been trying to divorce her for over a year but can't now because of the baby. Several have pointed out that timeline doesn't make since but she doesn't listen. She makes all kinds of excuses and really believes that once the baby is born he's leaving his wife for her. Of course another excuse will come, then another and the cycle continues. I sit back in amazement because despite her stupidity is really a great person at heart.

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I do no know how great she is but her actions do have stupid written all over.

chuff agrees: No sweat....You know it's ok to be on the Chuff too. Be warned I do bite. ;)

You are a little flirt arnt you ;)

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Originally Posted by Krs

chuff agrees: No sweat....You know it's ok to be on the Chuff too. Be warned I do bite. ;)

You are a little flirt arnt ya ;)

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Well, I can be if I'm in the right mood. Do you think you can put me in the mood? LOL!

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Originally Posted by chuff

Well, I can be if I'm in the right mood. Do you think you can put me in the mood? LOL!

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I think this morning I need cheering up!

This is a complete contradiction to my post that I posted yesterday! Here I was practically begging everyone to reassure me that I wasn't going mad and encourage me to have the courage to ask my fiance' (nearly married!)if there are things going on that I suspect!

HOW COULD YOU?

If I found out that you were the one my fiance', husband or whatever has been with..

Don't you think you deserve more? How can you lower yourself to this?

My point is that he has bought you! He has supported you 100% financially, so he can tuck you at the side and have his way with you whenever he wants. How can you live like this?

I'd walk... no, I'd run away, get a job and make a life for yourself!

P.S. I forgot to mention that he is on a power trip -telling you what's what! How can you deal with this?

You poor thing, your self-esteem and confidence are obviously shot to pieces.

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Originally Posted by Krs

I think this morning i need cheering up!

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While you know that you don't have to be in a huff with chuff because I can lift those spirits. What's going on?

Okay folks, we need to be helping Happdays here. Please can we not hijack her thread?

She has enough issues going on as it is without adding ours.

Not to be rude, but just did not want this thread to close because of off topic discussions.

No need to worry folks, Krs and I have stopped the stuff on this thread. A little humor might have helped with such a serious topic.

Then maybe we should keep the humor related to the topic.

Back to the topic at hand...