So the reasons she gave me for breaking up were Im not social enough and hang out with her friends and family enough. She also said she feels like she has just been in a relationship for so long that she needs time to be herself and be independent again. Also she wants to not always have to consider someone else all the time. Just be free I guess. The other reason is she knows I want to live somewhere else with her one day not here and she wants to stay here. I told her I would never leave without her and unless she wanted to go to.

The first week I did all sorts of surprises and spontaneous things to try and get her back. None of it worked she kept sayign she needs time and space. The crazy thing is this is all from a girl who has talked about marriage all along even in the last month or so. Things in the last few months have been great too. We have been getting along great doing nice things together. I have been showing her a lot more affection especially in public which I didn't so much before and it bothered her. I just don't understand the space thing because we only hang out maybe twice a week and I don't control her at all. She goes out with her friends , gets drunk has fun. And then whammo out of the blue this happens.

We have had our problems like any couple but never anything too big a deal.

Any idea why this would happen and what I should do now?

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The first week I did all sorts of surprises and spontaneous things to try and get her back. None of it worked she kept sayign she needs time and space.

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Perhaps in her mind it was too little too late.

Very often when people ask for space,what are truly saying is * I don't want this relationship anymore,I care about you as a friend because I loved you once but I do not love you now or I would still want to be with you*.

It is a gentle and cowardly way to break -up.

Her sending mixed signals by talking about marriage could just be confusion on her part.

I think you need to maintain no contact with her and respect her wishes.

Its sad to say but it would seem she is done with this relationship and I think perhaps you need to begin accepting that it is over.

The thing is that she told me she loves me and will always love me. That she just needs time to be by herself and to think. I sent her a to do list and lots of my to things to do invloved her and how I am committed to fix things. She said to me the list was so lovely and that she hopes I can do them, "just not right now." She said she might even need a month... I asked her if this was just an easy way of breaking it off or if she was maybe kind of keeping me around in case she changes her mind. She said she just needs space. I just don't want to keep hanging on to us if it is going to be for nothing. I think I am going to let go and see what she does cause I haven't really left her alone or given her time to miss me or want to come back...

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Originally Posted by myuz

The thing is that she told me she loves me and will always love me. That she just needs time to be by herself and to think. I sent her a to do list and lots of my to things to do invloved her and how I am committed to fix things. She said to me the list was so lovely and that she hopes I can do them, "just not right now." She said she might even need a month...I asked her if this was just an easy way of breaking it off or if she was maybe kinda keeping me around in case she changes her mind. She said she just needs space. I just dont want to keep hanging on to us if it is gonna be for nothing. I think I am gonna let go and see what she does cause I havent really left her alone or given her time to miss me or want to come back....

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I think for your own piece of mind giving her the requested space is a good idea.
She said she will always love you and that may be so.I love my exe's as well.simply for the fact that I loved them once,sincerely.

The love that you feel for someone you have been in love with and the love that is needed to sustain a relationship are two different types of love.

She may not miss you and want to come back and you need to be prepared for that as well.

While it is great that you are willing to change things I hope you are making those personal changes for YOU. To improve yourself for yourself and not anyone else.

Thanks artlady for your input. I do realise I may have lost her for good. I told her I won't give up on us. That this has been a huge eye opener for me. The change is both for me and for us to have a better relationship. Some of the change will simply make me a better person. If its years later I will show up on her doorstep with a rose because I believe in true love. She does too or at least did...

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Originally Posted by myuz

thanks artlady for your input. I do realise I may have lost her for good. I told her I wont give up on us. That this has been a huge eye opener for me. The change is both for me and for us to have a better relationship. Some of the change will simply make me a better person. If its years later I wil show up on her doorstep with a rose because I believe in true love. She does too or at least did...

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Its good to believe in true love but again,even true love does not always last forever.
I have had more than one true love in my life and at 54 I would say I was lucky to have them all.They all helped me to be who I am today.
Good luck to you!

Bro I understand where you're coming from. My girl and I had an awesome last weekend after several stupid fights and she wrote me a love letter confessing all her love for me. The next day she moved out while I was at work, telling me she needs space blah blah.

Someone else had caught her eye. You're going to say "no no never. i know her. she wouldnt ever..." but sadly I will almost guarantee it.

I'm on day 9 of NC man, that is where you need to go next.

Thanks stillfading... how do you know your girl is with someone else... How does a guy know if she is just "taking time" to be with someone else?

You need to backup, it's a little too late to be doing things for her now. All the surprises and spontaneous things that you are doing are just pushing her away.Anyways whatever the reason may be for breakup , you need to understand this, she does not want to be in a relationship with you.Leave her alone

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Originally Posted by myuz

thanks stillfading...how do you know your girl is with someone else...How does a guy know if she is just "taking time" to be with someone else?

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You don't know until you know... simple as that. Worrying about it doesn't solve any of YOUR problems. I had to swallow my pride when my girlfriend broke up with me after 4.5 years, as I thought I was such a swell guy. But I faced the facts, I made mistakes as much as she did, and I contributed to the demise of the relationship as much as she did. But, you know what? That is all right. That is what we go through life for, to live through these experiences and to find out what makes us happy, what makes us tic, so to speak.

Right now, it sucks, and your emotions are running at 100mph, and you think this is the end of your life, so to speak. It's not, it is merely the beginning of the next chapter, a chapter that is blank, and written by you, for YOU! Sorry to get all preachy on you, I had a profound day yesterday, and I want to make sure my words have an impact on you. Good luck, I know it sucks, but you will make it through this.

Carry on... :cool: (Had to do it)

When a partner asks for a break, give it to them, and forget all the things you said during the good times to each other. You have to face the fact, that people change how they feel, and what they want.

Now is the time to learn to deal with your own feelings, without any influence from her, and make your own plans to heal, regroup, and rebuild a life that you enjoy, without her in it.

Only by having no contact with her whatsoever, can you get over the shock, disappointment, and the rejection, your now feeling and avoid the confusion that comes with a break up, especially a long term one like you had, and get over the emotional attachments, you have made. It sucks for now, but will get better if your good to yourself, and work on rebuilding yourself.

Sorry for your loss, but give yourself a chance to heal the hole in your soul. That takes time, but you have plenty of it.

Update!!


Now she is texting me saying she misses me and such. I said well do you want to hang out tongiht(friday) or should I come pick you up for lunch. And she says no I need more time and space. Maybe Sunday for breakfast she says. Then she admitted how bad she wants to see me but just needs more time. I said I understand and ttyl. NOw tonight Im going out with a bunch of friends and picking up a super cute girl I used to work with to go have some fun. I am done sitting around waiting for her. If it is going to happen then she can initiate it. I still love her with all my heart and want to marry her one day... What should I do now am I playing this right?

She is playing around with you, she probably misses you, but missing someone and being n a relationship with someone are two different things

No! Your headed down a path that leads to more confusion, heart break, and drama.

So were meeting for lunch. I asked if she wanted to go to a movie or something later. She said no we aren't going on a date. Last week when we talked when I asked her how much time and space she needs she said maybe a month. But then two days later she was texting me and saying humph I miss you, like she said when we were dating. The she said no matter how bad she wants to see me she can't cause she just needs more time and space. I just don't get it. LIke I don't know if I should keep hanging on , like maybe she does just need a little time and space. SHe is worth it and we had something great going on so I don't want to give up. I just don't know what to think of all this and why she is sending mixed signals. Like she wants to meet for lunch but needs more time and space...

Hi, your situation sounds exactly like mine about 3 months ago. Check out my original post. She said she missed me, she came round but in the end it all led to her being more confused and prolonged the inevitable! Trust me, tell her that you don't want to see her and need your own time. Keep it no contact unless she says specifically that she made a huge mistake and wants to talk about sorting it out.

So what ended happenign with you two johnnyblog? Back together? I just got back from lunch and then I took her for a walk by the river. We had a nice time. She doesn't want to get back together as she is still taking time and doesn't even know what she wants. She said she's on a emotional roller coaster. She emphasized the fact that we are broken up and that we are just friends. She needs time to be her again. We both told each other we loved one another. I told her I understand she needs her time and that is fine. I have really made a lot of changes already and she even noticed. I told her how I have realised that money is nothing without the one you love.

During lunch she told me we won't be getting back together tomorrow or not even next week. She also said she just needs time to be her again and to not be in a relationship. I said OK. I said this time is good for us and that it has been a real eye opener for me. I defintely let it be known I want to be back with her. It ended with us saying I love you and a big hug. I said take care and she said I will talk to you in a week or so.

When they say that they need time and space. It usually means that they want someone/something else. When they string you along it's because they just don't know what that something is yet. What it ends up being is the feeling of being in a new relationship.

Women are extremely indecisive and are governed by emotions/feelings. They can't be alone for long, so the line about finding herself is crap. She'll soon find herself with another guy. She doesn't understand that she is going to end up in the same place with whatever new relationship she gets into.

Don't get burned when she says she misses you. It all returns to the point I made about them not being able to be alone. It's just a trap. Don't fall into it!

What itried said is exactly right, it is what happened to me. They don't mean to do any of this in a vindictive way, they really are confused and are basically telling you that she is not sure whether not she wants you. So you need to basically not put up with her indecisiveness and cut off contact with her. This is best for the both of you.

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Originally Posted by myuz

so what ended happenign with you two johnnyblog? Back together? I just got back from lunch and then I took her for a walk by the river. We had a nice time. She doesnt want to get back together as she is still taking time and doesnt even know what she wants. She said shes on a emotional roller coaster. She emphasized the fact that we are broken up and that we are just friends. She needs time to be her again. We both told each other we loved one another. I told her I understand she needs her time and that is fine. I have really made a lot of changes already and she even noticed. I told her how I have realised that money is nothing without the one you love.

During lunch she told me we wont be getting back together tomorow or not even next week. She also said she just needs time to be her again and to not be in a relationship. I said ok. I said this time is good for us and that it has been a real eye opener for me. I defintely let it be known I want to be back with her. It ended with us saying I love u and a big hug. I said take care and she said I will talk to you in a week or so.

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She will keep on playing these games with you, unless you make her stop,Start doing NC.

Although don't be hard on yourself if you slip up from time to time and give in to contacting her. You have to do what feels right for you in your situation. You should never regret telling her things if you feel they need to be said but just think about why you are saying them and if it is for your or her benefit. I found myself doing the same thing and sometimes e-mailed, text or called her and didn't realise how needy I was being until after. But that's all part of what happens until your brain finds a balance and a solid ground, this is when I adopted the attitude of 'she dumped me, oh well its her loss' attitude which makes me feel a lot happier than the 'why did she leave?' attitude.

What if I do NC for a week or until she contacts me. Then give her an ultimatum which is, you know how I feel and where I stand. SO you need to decide whether you want to make this work with me. If not we go our own ways.

The other side of me thinks if I love her and care respect her then I will give her this time and space to figure herself out. She is not saying to me right now that we will get back together 100%. But she is defintely putting off that vibe and even saying it is her intention.

I just can't help but feel like she is just taking this time to see if she can make it without me and if its too much she will get back with me. If she can make it on her own then she won't need me anymore. Anyone think this is what she's doing? Im almost positive there is no one else. She just wouldn't do that. She herself is havign a very difficult time with this too. I am going to be strong and not contact her though you guys...

If she does not want to be in a relationship with you she won't want you back after a week of NC.NC is about you not about getting your ex back.

Right now you are her backup, if she does not find anyone better she might come back to you.But do you really want to be someone's backup.

She told you that she doesn't want to be with you so that means that you don't contact her unless she contacts you--EVER! IF she wants to she will reach out. If not then she doesn't want you. You need to get on with your life in the meanwhile because she will definitely be exploring her options.. Remember, she broke up with you. Your terms and conditions are meaningless to her.

Oh, and by the way, there probably is another guy. You will always be unpleasantly surprised by your ex's after you break up with them. This is when they actually reveal their true selves.

OK everyone seems to think time and space means either there is someone else or they are stringing you along in case they want you back. Any girls reading that have asked for time and space and really just needed time and space to think, assess the relationship, be themselves etc??

Like she is putting herself through turmoil as well. Why do this? Is it just in case she thinks she made a mistake. Man this is such a pickle. I realise what you guys are all saying and no I don't want to be her backup plan. Its just part of me really believes her that she needs this time and space to be her again. Like today at lunch she said how I had changed her and made her an anti social type by always being in a room watching TV or something. Like you we got out but nothing like when she was single. See she is a social butterfly type and loves to be around people. So basically she said this time and space is to redefine who she is. She said I have only called her beautiful like 5 times in our whole relationship too. She says I have just hurt her too much and she needs to be apart for awhile.

Also if there was someone else why would she be texting me sometimes. Tell me she loves me wants to get back together possibly. And she went for lunch with me which was her idea. Then for a walk. Like I see where you guys are coming from but why would she be doing these things if she has another guy already. Man I'm so confused I just don't know what to do

Man, you were with this girl for 4.5 years and NOW all of this is a problem for her?? She was obviously quite happy for 4.49999999 years wasn't she?

Someone or something has sparked a little change in her, and all of the sudden the reasons that she was with you in the first place aren't good enough anymore?? This absolutely screams that someone has gotten into her head. This girl has been changed and there is no looking back for her now. It sucks to hear this I know, but you have to face facts. Why should YOU have to change who you are when who you were before was good enough for 4.5 years? This is not the type of person you want to be with. Don't find this out the hard way. Find someone who wants to be with you for who you are.

As far as the texts and lunches. Even though they were her idea it still means nothing. She doesn't miss you. She misses being with someone. As soon as she has some other guy to do this with, you're out the door. Then she'll probably start acting like she hates you. Don't put yourself through this.

Thanks everyone for all your input. The general consensus is to move on. I will keep you all posted I'm still thinking of giving her the ultimatum in a weeks time.

UPDATE!!

I saw her tonight at the bar, she was with a group of friends. I texted her to meet me downstairs. She did. She has talked about marriage all along and tonight I told her I am ready to marry her and the only reason I don't have a ring yet is because I don't want to buy her back. I told her she's the only girl I want to be with and that I love her so much. She said she feels the same way. But that she needs more time and doesn't want tto be pressured back yet. I told her that I want to wait a lifetime for her but I can't because it is just to hard on me emotionally and physically. I can't believe this happened. I was good and we had a week of no contact. I want to be with her forever and she feels the same way...

WhAT NOW! Are some people meant to be together?

If your meant to be together you will. Stop trying and move on! If she wants you she will come crawling back. Stop finding reasons to talk to her and proclaim your love. She obviously knows you want her.

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Originally Posted by myuz

WhAT NOW! Are some people meant to be together?

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I don't know if some people are meant to be togather, but you have made it evidently clear that you want her, the ball is in her court, she has told you she wants space and time which by the looks of it you are refusing to give.Back off move on with your life.Even if she comes back the obcession that you have with her would be unhealthy.

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I was good and we had a week of no contact. I want to be with her forever and she feels the same way...

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That's not all the way true. Actually you think that's how she feels, when its obvious she doesn't. You can see this any way you want to, but its still a fact, her feelings have changed, and your not coping with it well.

Leave her alone, and eventually you'll accept the fact, its time to do something else with your life, as that chapter is over.

talaniman she said to me straight up that she feels the same and that she wants to be with me forever and loves me. She also said she just doesn't think 2 1/2 weeks is enough time for us to have really changed.

She knows how I feel regardless and I am not going to contact her and try to move on. I let her know that I cannot wait forever for her and in a few weeks time I will let go and move on.

Well we talked today and its over. She made her decision. You guys were right. Now I must move on. This feels so awful. I think I pushed her away and blew what little chance I had. You guys were all right. But at the end of the day I can say I really tried though. She is the one who lives with the doubting herself if she made the right decision or not.

She knows I was willing to change so much. She knows I was ready to marry her. She knows how much I loved her and wanted to be with her forever.

I just feel kind of lost right now. But at the same time I feel a little better knowing she has made a decision and I am not in limbo now. If her and I are meant to be together it will happen I think but I cannot do anything about it. I need to let go and move on.

What's the easiest way to do this?

You just have to keep your mind occupied by doing things that you enjoy. Exercise, read, play sports, go on a trip, whatever. Just focus on yourself. It's going to be really hard for you right now but you just have to push through it. Don't give yourself an opportunity to dwell on her.

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Originally Posted by myuz

Well we talked today and its over. She made her decision. You guys were right. Now I must move on. This feels so awful. I think I pushed her away and blew what little chance I had. You guys were all right. But at the end of the day I can say I really tried though. She is the one who lives with the doubting herself if she made the right decision or not.
Sounds good but means nothing!!! Find another way to stroke your wounded ego.
She knows I was willing to change so much. She knows I was ready to marry her. She knows how much I loved her and wanted to be with her forever.
She also knows she didn't feel the same way as you did. Now you know.
I just feel kind of lost right now. But at the same time I feel a little better knowing she has made a decision and I am not in limbo now. If her and I are meant to be together it will happen I think but I cannot do anything about it. I need to let go and move on.
Her decision was made when she broke up with you, so just notice what it took, and how long it took for you to get it. Thats important for future reference.
Whats the easiest way to do this?

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Re-read your post again, and you will see that question has been answered, but you weren't ready to hear it, so it fell on deaf ears. It happens, so go back, and re read the advice given... just to refresh,

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When a partner asks for a break, give it to them, and forget all the things you said during the good times to each other. You have to face the fact, that people change how they feel, and what they want.

Now is the time to learn to deal with your own feelings, without any influence from her, and make your own plans to heal, regroup, and rebuild a life that you enjoy, without her in it.

Only by having no contact with her whatsoever, can you get over the shock, disappointment, and the rejection, your now feeling and avoid the confusion that comes with a break up, especially a long term one like you had, and get over the emotional attachments, you have made. It sucks for now, but will get better if your good to yourself, and work on rebuilding yourself.

Sorry for your loss, but give yourself a chance to heal the hole in your soul. That takes time, but you have plenty of it.

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,

There is much more from others as well, if your ready to listen.

Well she's coming over to get the spare key for her car and a few other things, I gave her a approximately 350 dollar promise ring. I don't know if I should take this back or not. She asked me if I want it back or not. I said what are you going to do with it , she said probably look at it everyday...

My other question is what about things that she has ogtten me over the years, like t shirts, dvds a hat. Should I keep these or will it make it that much harder to move on? Just wondering because I've never really went through this before.

Never push the issue of staying together.Because she could feel that she has to to keep you happy and eventually the relationship will turn into a bad direction.So give her space to find herself and when you are back together she can give you what she couldn't at first.. trust me I know been in the situation!

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Originally Posted by myuz

well shes coming over to get the spare key for her car and a few other things, i gave her a approximately 350 dollar promise ring. I dont know if i should take this back or not. She asked me if i want it back or not. I said what are you gonna do with it , she said probably look at it everyday...

My other question is what about things that she has ogtten me over the years, like t shirts, ,dvds a hat. Should I keep these or will it make it that much harder to move on? Just wondering because ive never really went through this before.

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Either trash them, give them away, or store them somewhere that is not easily accessible for you. All the gifts, cards and other things from her will do nothing but make it harder for you to move on, so yes, out of sight, out of mind, so to speak.