Hi all. I am going through a very hard time right now in my relationship with my girl friend. A week ago, I sense that there are some changes going on by my partner. She is not as sexual as she was, her attitude has changed, she is always telling me that she is tired, and she tries to avoid conversations with me. Her uncle just passed away and in the funeral she was completely ignoring me like if I was not there. She introduced me as her boyfriend but did not talk to me as much. I have asked her if she is unhappy and she keeps telling me no.. her only response is that she loves me and wants to be with me. To stop doubting her and not to ask her any more questions. I just do not understand the sudden change? Is it just me or could it be that she does not want to be with me no more and she does not find a way of telling me? If that is the case why would she keep telling me that she loves me and to stop doubting her? Should I not call her at all and let her call me? Please help! I am very confused and have no one to talk to.

Can I ask...
How did her uncle die?
And
How close was she to him?

He died of cancer. I really do not know how close she was to him. But she started being a little distant 1 week before.

So then why don't you ask her?
When you say 1 week, 1 week before what, before he died, when they were told he has cancer?

Seems to me like she is grieving his loss. When women deal with grief when we mourn for a deceased loved one, sex is the last thing on our mind.

No it was one week before he died. They knew he had cancer over a year ago. Every time I call her she seems annoyed by me. What do I do? I am in need of help and I do not have no one to talk to.. Could her feelings towards me have changed? If that's the case, why would she tell me to be patient with her and that she wants to be with me and that she loves me.

Im not a physic but I really do think this has to do with the death of her uncle and she started being cold with you 1 week before he died is because she knew he was dying.

I know through experience. When it happened to me, I shut down completely I didn't even calculate my husbands presence around me.

Be patient with her, she is telling you she loves you and she wants you.

Instead of worrying about you, think of her, she is going through a rough stage in her life, I don't know if you have ever been through what she is going through although men do deal with these things very different to how women do.

Take her out for a meal and talk to her, not about your relationship, ask her about how she is feeling, ask her about her uncle, show her your sympathy.

I kind of feel like an ******* because we were arguing yesterday about us. Do you think she will dump me because of us arguing over us? I am very lost. I just fell in love with her too much. I also show her how much I love her and I also tell her. Could she be taking advantage of the situation>?

Have you been together long?
How old are you both?

Take my advice of taking out for a meal...
Ask her about her uncle and how she is feeling and let her do all the talking.

10 months. But we knew each other for 6 months before. We are both 27. I will take your advice. Should I not call her as much? Shoould I also not tell her I love you too much? Should I back off?

How much is too much thou?

She needs you at a time like this but she is definitley confused and hurt for what has happened.
You should have asked her about her uncle, I could be wrong but I think she is acting this way because of his illness and her loss.

I always tell her that I love her, I am very affectionate with her, I am always there for her and I just take care of her. I am just very insecure. I guess because I just love her too much. Should I back off or just be my normal self?

Don't be insecure.
Nobody likes to be with someone who is insecure.
Show her how sure of yourself you are and keep telling her you love her.

Loving her so much shouldn't be reason of your insecurities.

Call her, and suggest dinner.
See how it goes from there ;)

If she says she is tired, she may just be that, tired. When you loose someone there are feelings you have to deal with. When you talk, listen to her words and believe her. Do not try to read something into them. Realize, it is not all about you. Often times one gets caught up in thinking if the other person is sad or angry or lost, it has to do with them. No, it has to do with her. She is feeling low right now. Send her some flowers, take her to lunch and do not dwell on your relationship. Show her you care and be the strong one. Give her energy, do not take more from her by asking her over and over if anything is wrong. She told you no, believe her. Tell her the truth. Say, I get a little worried when you withdraw because I love you so much, so I am sorry for overreacting. I know you have been through a big loss in your life and it takes time to heal. You know I am here for you if there is anything I can do, please let me.

I am the kind of person when something bad happens, I have to have space and quiet time to think it over. When my mother passed away I felt I was going to pass out because some would hover over me saying wonderful things to me. They meant well, but it was too much. One of my daughters sat by me and held my hand very quietly and that was the comfort I needed. Just be there for her quietly, a smile, holding her hand and letting her feel but not being alone. Do you understand? Everyone grieves differently.

I would say back off and give her some space. No one likes a guy that they feel like is hanging on them. Letting someone you know that you love them is one thing, but constantly saying it takes the meaning away. Let her greive and she will come around if it is meant to be. It sounds to me you are being a little paranoid.

Ernesto my man... give this women some SPACE!! Immediately. QUIT calling her - let her call you. Pull back... your pushing things in a very difficult time - and yes - IF you don't pull back she WILL DUMP you.

For the love of god - go do other things.

QUIT asking relationship questions - that's a woman's job. Seriously. You come across as way insecure and needy.

I promise if you back off a bit and leave her alone - she WILL come flying back.

BUT, if you keep calling all the time - she will AND IS become annoyed with you - bad stuff.

WHY on earth are yo ucalling her all the time = needy and insecure.

I know from experience, if you keep hounding this gal, she will run like the wind.

You are coming across as needy and clingy. Let her come to you a little. You can still be concerned... but not asking all the time if everything between the two of you is OK.

Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yucky.

Wooh... I'm not so sure how to react how this thread has gone to a complete destructive approach. Well I'm not saying that you would consider what everyone is saying I'm sure you already know how to treat this kind of situation but you just need basic guidelines to make sure you will be handling this appropriately. I've lived with men before, in a relationship. Few men to be exact. And I've lived with girls that have had same issues, roommates. She just probably need a little distance as some of here have said. But completely shutting down your door is not going to help it either. Surely she needs your understanding at this time. Death of someone close to you is a really big loss and it's hard to absorb things like that. I don't know how close she is with her uncle but it might have played a big role how your relationship has gone downward. Perhaps she's trying to avoid you because you constantly asking her to make love with you which is probably causing her much more distress. She just need sympathy at this time. You can't just keep bugging her with your demands. Anyway give her some support.

No - we never said stop all communication - this guy is probably driving her crazy.

He just needs to give her space right now. I am quite ssure he is smothering her.

I never said quit or stop. This guy is coming on too strong - where did I ever say quit or stop. You don't quite get it.

He needs to pull back - ne busy doing other things. I am quite sure he calls her 3 or 4 times a day. All he needs to do is let her contact him for a while.

But I doubt he gets that either - it takes afew heartaches.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Ernesto my man.....give this women some SPACE!!!! Immediately. QUIT calling her - let her call you. Pull back.....your pushing things in a very difficult time - and yes - IF you don't pull back she WILL DUMP you.

For the love of god - go do other things.

QUIT asking relationship questions - that's a woman's job. Seriously. You come across as way insecure and needy.

I promise if you back off a bit and leave her alone - she WILL come flying back.

BUT, if you keep calling all the time - she will AND IS become annoyed with you - bad stuff.

WHY on earth are yo ucalling her all the time = needy and insecure.

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FYI

You just don't get it. And you're adding nothing.

If she is going through a grieving process, the last thing she needs is for you to back off and quit calling. That is telling her that if she is not always bubbly and happy and attending to your needs you are going to back off. The answer to every problem in life is not always to quit calling and wait for them to call you back. There are other reasons a person needs some quiet time. YES, IF the reason is because the person is coming on too strong, but I strongly suggest doing what I said in my earlier post. IF she is not grieving it is a different story. First, communicate and find out.

It sounds like you need to give her some space here. Perhaps you've been too needy, too clingy, maybe without even realizing it. Take a break for a while. Lay low, don't call her and do things you enjoy with other people or by yourself. Date some other women. Let her miss you for a while ; then she might come around again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ernesto25

I kinda feel like an ******* because we were arguing yesterday about us. Do you think she will dump me because of us arguing over us? I am very lost. I just fell in love with her to much. I also show her how much I love her and I also tell her. Could she be taking advantage of the situation>?

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Yes - I think she is.

Folks, I think we're putting way too much emphasis on her bereavement here. This was an uncle who died, not a father or brother. Unless she was extraordinarily close to this one particular uncle his death really is not going to impact her that much. Let's not turn it into a red herring. I've certainly lost my share of aunts and uncles over the years. While sad, it certainly isn't catastrophic and doesn't impact my relationships with those who are truly close to me. I think we're going to lead this guy astray if we keep emphasizing her uncle's death as a mitigating factor because, frankly, I just don't see that.

I agree with cianci here.
I think you need to give her a little space.. I really do.
I also had a girlfriend who went through a heap of trauma. Lost brother, lost father. And yes you need to be there for them but you also need to let them come to you. If they want you and need you then they will come. If they need a little space then they will indicate that to you. I think she is indicating this to you here.
It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. But right now, whether it is her uncle, or just her, she is inidcating the need for space.

I have been through this with a girlfriend. Don't completely shut her out. NO WAY! No one is saying that. But by your own admission you are very smothering. You can't be this. And women certainly feel smothered very easily.

So slow down a little and when you are with her please be the fun guy. Like you were when you met. Make her laugh, make her enjoy her time with you. She doesn't want to talk relationship all the time. She wants to laugh and have fun when she is with you. And she doesn't need to be told that you love her all the time. She KNOWS! The best way to show her you love her is by having great times with her. So lighten up when your with her and enjoy it. Its meant to be FUN!!

You know what you should do. Next time you are talking to her. Face to face of course. You just tell her that you love her and care for her and that you will be there for her whenever she needs you. Whenever you want to open up, whenever you want to talk to me and share your thoughts with me. Let me know. Communication is important and if she is cutting it off, that is not a good sign and will not help the relationship and you always pushing her and asking her and smoothering her. In your own way, you are pushing her away. You need to do your best to keep the lines of communication open and let her come to you. Like others have said lighten up and have some fun, if it gets way to serious, your slowly going to push her away.

It is difficult to know what the answer would be when no one knows what her problem is. To get angry because someone has a different take on the situation is unfair. My aunt was like my second mother and when she died it was very difficult for me. I do not think you can judge anothers feeling of loss by how you felt when you lost someone. I think K_3 was right on when she said he needs to talk to her, and see what the real problem is. It is not always about the other person in the relationship. A person can be sad and need space without it having to do with your b/f or g/f smothering you. Why do you automatically think she is lying when she said nothing is wrong and she loves him and wants to be with him? This is just my take on things. There is always different reasons and approaches to issues.

Oh thank god. At least someone else think the say way I do. For once I thought I was so different

Ernesto,

Call her once a day and talk to her for 10 minutes only. If you sense she wants to talk more let it happen. If not hang up. Secondly, may I suggest saying something to her like, "I know you've been having a rough time lately, and I'd like to take you to the local comedy club next Saturday for some laughts." If she accepts be a complete gentleman and don't push her. Don't bring up sex or even try to kiss her. Sometimes in a relationship you need a friend and not a lover. Reach out to her as friend only at this time. If you doe she will love you more down the road.

Its never good to assume what the problem is.
Assuming is the brother of all f**k ups.

Best way to go about this is to ask her directly in a well said manner.

Thanks to all for your advise. I had a very big talk with her last night and realized that what has been bothering her is that I am 2 inches shorter than her. 3 weeks ago I took her to Mexico for a vacation and while she was looking at pics, her dad kept making stupid comments on how short I am compaired to her. She admitted that that is what was bothering her and she also admitted that she has a bad habit of judging very serious what other people think about her. It's like she never cared until someone brought it up to her attention. It kind of sucks that she judges me and also cares too much of what people think about her. I mean I am even thinking about moving in with this girl but if she is going to care about what other people think about her then I don't think she is ready to take a step further with me or loves me like she says she does. Should I let it bother me or should I just let go and see what happens?

Seems as though you already know what to do. Back up a bit and see what happens with this relationship. Moving in until her issues are solved would be a mistake from reading this whole thread you should be trying to put more balance into this as you seem to be pushing and she is moving away. Slow this train down some and let her get a better handle on her feeling and I know you are so in love that you may be coming on too strong so back up and take care of the other things in your life that are important to you. You may have put too much emphasis on being with her especially since she has a problem with what other people say, not too good at this point. Let her come to you more, if she doesn't then you'll know you love her more than she loves you. Relationships should be equal.

Well, if she seriously has a hangup about something so trite as the fact that you're two inches shorter that her and she allows herself to be that swayed by other peoples' opinions, then I'd run from her like the plague! Frankly I still don't think that you're getting the true story as this is just too ridiculous. The fact that she can't talk about what's really on her mind is another red flag in itself. Frankly I'd forget about this one and move on.

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Originally Posted by ernesto25

I had a very big talk with her last night and realized that what has been bothering her is that i am 2 inches shorter than her. 3 weeks ago i took her to Mexico for a vacation and while she was looking at pics, her dad kept making stupid comments on how short I am compaired to her. She admitted that that is what was bothering her and she also admitted that she has a bad habit of judging very serious what other people think about her.

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Ernesto, I'm sorry to have to say this because I as I read your original post I assumed that she was just going through the loss of a relative. After reading that she says her ongoing problems with you is your height I realize she's trying to distance herself from you. That height thing is a cop out excuse, and a weak one at that. I get the feeling your also holding some things back because to have a problem go from a relative dying to my dad made fun of you because your shorter than me is from one extreme to another. Please back away from this girl now.

That what we call an alibi. WHY all the serious talks now? You should have pulled back. Me thinks you have put way too much pressure on her. You're supposed to be the fun guy. You're supposed to keep this light and easy.

I think you're insecure about her. Not good.

Be the fun guy only. NO serious questions anymore.

HEY ERNASTO,

I am reading your thread and it touched me in a way I could relate, as the rest of people on this forum know, I was envolved in a relationship not too long ago that had some confusion about a death in the family as well.

In my case she was cheating =( I am not saying that's what she is doing in your case, however the story is still fishy. But if the real reason she has been distant is because you are 2 inches shorter than you then that's just shallow.

You don't want someone you is going to judge you like that, trust me after having my heart broken, the next person who I am going to fall for will love for for who I am and what I am no matter what.

Like most of the people on here said give her space and brace for the worst, and tell her that she has to take you how you are and if not its her loss, you seem like a great guy, work on that =)

Very shallow of her to worry just because you are 2inches shorter... so bl**dy what, it proves how materialistic she is!

After all of this - and her problem isn't her uncle at all! Your 2 inches shorter:cool: WOW! I shake my head in shame for her.

I feel all of your questions have been answered at this point.:(

Ernesto,
I know how much you said you loved this girl, but after finding out that she was willing to push you away simply because her ignorant father teased her for your shortness, do you still feel the same for her? This is just a little taste of what you can expect if you were to move in with her, let alone, marry her. She will walk around punishing you for this and that, thinking its something bad you did, when it was only trivial little stuff like the height thing.

I think that unless she can prove to you that she is truly a woman of substance, than you need to keep your distance from her. She is still showing huge signs of immaturity and lack of consideration. Leave her alone, get busy with things that are really important in life and in the meantime, if she decides that she can't be without you, let her come to you and prove it. Words mean nothing, actions mean everything. She needs to have courage enough to shut people up who make stupid comments like her dad did. She needs to stick up for you and your relationship.