Why does my ex partner treat me this way?


Its been so long since I've been in my elationship with my ex patner 7months in fact, however we had been kind of keeping in contact, but as it was all on his terms I had to end it for my own sanity, I did the letter thing that everyone suggested doing- moving on agreeing with the break up blah blah blah, but he doesn't seem to care, we spent 4 years together, he didn't want 2 let go of me, but he didn't seem 2 want me properly either. But now he has just disappeared as if I just don't exsist, I love him so much and know that he loves me 2 but what is all this stuff really dazzagal

Your not taking the hint very well. You may have had his love in the past, but his feeling have changed, and he has disappeared from your life to get over you, and the failed relationship, and get on with his own life.

You need to do the same, and get on with your life as he has. 7 months is far to long to assume how someone feels, in the face of the FACTS of the matter. He is GONE!

Don't blame him, just let go as he has.

Why are you still holding on? He's disappeared which means he's let go and moved on. You need to do the same. The 4 years you shared are the past now.

It wasn't that way, althogh initially we broke up 7months ago we have been trying 2 reconcile since- it was a long and painfull road that we tried to get over together, you see I had a stalker who made both our lives unbearable. Damage to property cars houses and we at first grew stronger, and now we have just pulled each other apart, he has told me that he loves me still- this stalker is now in prison and this should have made things easier but...
He started to treat me differently, he started not 2 call, he started to respond, but when I told him that I didn't want to be treated that way and maybe we should end this if he couldn't change this, he then said that he would call me in a month and see where we were at- he didn't want me but he didn't want 2 let me go! What does this really mean? I know there is no-one else that he's seeing, does he just want 2 control me?

Fact- he has disappeared from your life.

Translation- Its over as far as he is concerned.

OK, so why when I tried to end it because of the way he was treating me, did he then try 2 reverse it by keeping the communication open and say he would call and see where we were both at after a month, he tells me that he wants it, he says that he just needs time, why do people do this if they don't want it?

I think your letting your feeling get in the way. He plants the seeds of false hope, but I think he is trying to ease you away from him, while he carries on with whatever he is doing.

The bottom line is you must make your own decision, and follow your own course of actions, without his influence. Waiting for him to make the decision you want is a perfect waste of time. That's another fact.

Sorry, I know how much you want to get back to a better time with him, I just don't see it happening.

How and why do couples get back together after they have split up? Why does he say he wants it and he misses me, if he is saying it 2 ease my pain as you have suggested why when I tried to break it off because of his lack of thought for me, why did he try to keep it all open and in the air again, I have read this book about getting together with ex-partners and how people do it all the time- even after long amounts of time, they can't all be wrong can they?
I know that from what friends are saying, he's lost and confused and really wants to be with me, everyone's input is confusing me, and I'm sure him too, if he's getting on with whatever he is doing- why is he doing it so unhappily, its hard to answer without all the facts I know
That, but honestly I don't want 2 let it go, and he says that he doesn't either, but he wnt do anything about it- that just doesn't make sense

You and only you understand the situation that you are in. You and your boyfriend were together for 4 years so the dynamic between you two is unique. Couples can and do get back together all the time. Even still, you shouldn't use that as a reason to dwell on him and the past because the opposite is also just as true. Every situation is different and no person on this site can tell you how it really is with him. All we can do is prepare you for the worst. Really the only way to approach your situation is this: Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Hope this makes sense.

This is all so messed up seriously, why don't people just do what they say, and mean what they do.
I would understand so much more if it were to slap me in the face and say I DNT WANT U Anymore! At least I would know the score, but no its all about games and not letting go and keeping your options open and all that,
I understand what you are saying and thank you for your response, preparing for worst is good I suppose, anything else is a bonus! Well not quiet anything, but hey I do follow at uve said- but unfortunately its still all very messed up and I don't know where to start

I read this book recently about getting an ex back, and people say thet it happens all the time, just as you have, but why can't I seem to find anyone that does actually have a good story to tell instead of a bad/sad one, is it just that the people who are happy just don't realise they r- or is it that just no one is really happy? Is there such a thing as a happy ending?

You're right. It is all about games and keeping your options open and all of that stuff. This is the way most people are. Everyone is selfish and thinks that they can do better than whatever it is they have. Then you break up and reunite years later only because the dumper realizes their mistake and the dumpee has been holding on to the past. Then you lie to yourself by saying that you were meant to be or whatever makes you feel good and hides the truth about all that has happened between you. When in reality all that has happened is that no one wanted each of you as much as you wanted each other initially. So you can wait for this to happen or find someone who will stick by you no matter what. Don't hold on to the past and forget people who are confused about their feelings for you.

That book you read is full of crap. There are endings (When you re-unite with an ex). You just have to put a happy spin on them. It's called being positive.

That does make very much sense, in a strange way, but I don't know if you followed the beginning of my story where I had the outside hurtfull actions of a stalker- I did, myself and my partner had an extremely good relationship until the interventions of this stalker guy, and then it went downhill from there, for 2 years so good and then for 2 years further we stuck together thrugh the toughest times of our lives-eventually it just ripped us apart, the things that my stalker said and did made us both doubt each other, but I could see through this, I knew my partner and I had faith in him, but his faith in me started to disappear, in his own words he just felt like I had been violated and he couldn't do anything to help or protect me, I know he blames himself, I don't know how 2 help him or me! The stalker is in prison now, my ex told me that he wanted to take it slowly and get to a good place again with me, he misses me- we spent some really lovely times together since the split and I believed we were working through things, but it seemed to be different and quiet controlling on his part whenever he was ready 2 call hed call, but wldnt ansa my calls, when I didn't call he would call me, he was busy with work and then hed just ring and expect me to be available- he was never like that before, what happened to him?
I then told him that I didn't want to be trated that way it wasn't fair and that I that it better for us to end it. Not what I wanted but for my sanity I mean, he then kept it open by saying that he would call me in a month and c where we were at! Was that his fear of losing it? Or was he trying again 2 have that control? Why do people play these games?

I did follow the beginning of the story and I appreciate that there were some outside influences on your relationship. My whole point is that no matter what happens or how it happens, it still has an effect on your relationship. All the stalker did was bring up issues that are present in all relationships. It takes a strong couple to doubt each other, fall in and out of love and still stay together. Playing games with each other just indicates a lack of respect. Once that is gone, it probably won't come back. How can it? You now know the person as they really are.

To answer your questions:

He's not afraid of losing you. He's just trying to see if he can function without you. (And by the way, he can).

Of course he wants control of the relationship. Aren't you exercising control by telling him you don't want to be treated like that?

People play games because they can. It makes them feel desirable. Plain and simple.

No I don't wnt 2 control him in anyway, but I do have the right not to be treated that way, as do we all, he never used to want 2 control anything, so I don't undrestand why now? We didn't play games during the relationship, but in my opinion I think he was trying to protect me and look after me after the stalker thing- but it all then went 2 far and became an obsssion. And dealt with things wrong

I never implied that you played games during your relationship. But now that it's over between you (as a couple) he can do whatever he wants (ie play games). What you really need to understand is that for the time being (maybe from now on) you are no longer together. Who cares what happened and how. The specifics are unimportant because it wasn't enough to hold you to each other. All you need to know is that it did and you two weren't capable of keeping it together. Get over him. Seven months is a long time. I've been broken up now for seven months as well and I thought the events leading up to my break up were extraordinary too (just like you do). They're not. Real couples work it out together, not alone.

Its been three weeks that we haven't really been together but I left our house 7months ago, I know we arnt together but he has not got the right 2 do what ever he wants keeping me a part of it! Yes alone he has the right 2 do what he wants I agree with that. But he keeps on changing his mind on what it is that he does want, he doesn't seem to want me when I'm there but he does when I'm not now that is all very wrong and the reason that I'm am still so confused,

I understand that you are very confused and hurt by all of this. What he's doing is not right and if he loved and respected you he wouldn't put you through it. It has to be you that puts an end to this. If he can have you whenever he wants, he will fully take advantage of this. Trust me. Don't let him do this to you. What if he decides he doesn't want you anymore? You will have lost respect for yourself and it'll take 7 more months (maybe more?) to recover from all this.

End it. Take back the control (Over your relationship and your life). Life is too short to chase after someone who doesn't know if they love you or not.

You can read all the books you want on how to get your ex back but the point remains that if your ex don't want you back you can't change their mind.

You agreed to the break up and even wrote a letter. I guess you got use to your ex trying to get you back in the beginning of the break-up but since he stopped now your mad.

He disappear because he accepting that it's over but you can't. You liked when he kept in contact probably beging you to get back together. Now you want to try what he tried to do.

You can ask " why he did this, why he isn't doing this and read all the books from the experts, but in reality you need to move on. Let it go and stop living in the past and wake up. It's over, it's over! The fat lady done sung and went home.

Work on healing yourself instead of doing what your doing. It a waste of time and money and will leave you more frustrated and you might get migrines from this, even depression.

Today is a new day and a new start to moving on.

Happy Easter!

I AGREE with that which is why I asked him not to treat me this way anymore and said that it would be best for us to end it there, not really wanting the end but knowing that I could not ask him to change- then his reply was ill call u in a month and lets see where we r both at, this just felt like him trying 2 have that control again=but I have had no contact with him 4 3 weeks now at all, what I am asking is will he realise that he can't have me when he wants me at his beckncall and will he start to put in some effort if this is what he really wants- we have stuck together through really tough times, he is a really stubborn man more than I've evr seen anyone that stubborn- and will he cut off his nose to spite his face? Thank u for talking to me by the way I really do appreciate your input- I am listening to u even if u think I'm not hearing u properly

If he wants you he will prove it. It'll be up to you to decide if you want him if and when the time comes. Don't worry about him anymore. Just think about yourself and enjoy your life. No matter what anyone says, no two people are made for each other. So sitting around worrying about him only causes you to lose time on some guy who can't even make up his mind about you. He's weighing his options. I suggest you do the same.

Oh, and you're welcome. That's what we are all here for anyway.

liz28 thank u, my ex was never begging for me 2 come back and I did not enjoy him chasing me- I dindnt expierience that! I have wrote a letter agreeing with the break up yes because that seemed to be the right thing to do 2 allow him 2 move on- I love him and want him to be happy- of course I want that to be with me but if its not then he shd stop playing these dangling games and tell me straight up, which he just has not done, he tells me he misses me, he tells me that he loves me, we have been dating again for 4 months since I left our house, but he's just not the same, I know he feels guily for what has happened to me and angry what happened to us both and our children, and he wanted to protect me and feels a failure, this is all so much to try and deal with- I feel so very messed up about thje whole situation I know that absence makes the heart grow fonder and sometimes people need to realise just what they have lost but hey this isn't right

Thank u,iTried
Sometimes its hard to listen to all that hurts us and all I feel at the moment is hurt, hurt about anything and everything,hurt hurt hurt, hurt for him, me and of course our children.
Hurt and robbed

Threads merged/edited

I know that as part of breaking up with someone you will have many hurtful questions to yourself and probably questions that you will never be able to ask the "other" but you will still try to make some sense of them, well that is where I am at the moment, I know it's a kind of torture and not on the positive side but there is a need to make sense of it, so if I can ask you what this means please.

If you take a maths exam without making any attempt to study for it with no knowledge whatsoever you will inevitably fail right?
You can guess maybe a few questions right, pure luck!

OK so now if I apply that to life and a relationship- if you have no experience of good relationships around you, and the people with influence in your life are not particularly good for you,including and especially your immediate family, you know they are not good for you and you pull yourself away from that.
You hide yourself in a protective bubble so not to get hurt because you have a hard time working out what is good for you because the people closest to you hurt you the worst,

But then you meet someone who has the same ideas as you , someone you have learned to trust , love and believe in, you share your life s emotions with them your pain and hurt,
And from out of no-where they then seem to use these experiences against you in some way.
By saying that your lack of knowledge for how things are really done makes you make decisions that are wrong,
Now I can see that this could somewhat be the case, but the fact that I had pulled away from all those bad things because I wanted to make different decisions decisions that felt right and fair and to give my children better lives than I once had, how can this be fair

I'm sure that we all do make wrong decisions in our lives but don't we make those decisions with the best intentions?


I read a saying again I don't know where it came from sorry,

"i myself am made entirely of flaws- but I'm stitched together with good intentions"

How can people use experiences that you have had as a child and growing up that you had no part in choosing for yourself against you if when you grow as an adult, you make choices that feel right for you don't you, but they are not always right for everyone are they, as long as your intentions were good.

I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense to you its very difficult when you can't explain what situations led to this question, but I guess what I'm asking is,
Will I always do what is wrong in a relationship because I don't have the knowledge to do what is right or is it that because of the things I have been through makes me easily manipulated by people?

Welcome to the real world, with real people, and as your finding out, be careful who you trust, and always trust yourself first. Unlike math, where the answers are set, and so is the procedure to get them, people are more complicated, and the procedure of how there mind works is varied.

Talaniman Rule#1- Love yourself so you wont fall for someone else's BS!!

That only requires you know yourself, and are good to yourself. Much simpler than math!!

I know that maths and people/relationships are very different it was just the first example I could think of, but when you say welcome to the real world with real people its somewhat confusing! My real world and real people as a child and growing up were not my choices, and as I grew into an adult I chose to stay away from those types of people- however it seemes that even when I've been in a happy place with myself alone and I then allow someone into my life believeing that they are in fact the "good type" it changes, wolf in sheeps clothing comes to mind.
It just seems to me that when people don't want to try anymore, and want to give up on a relationship they want to blame someone else because it makes them feel better. But when you care about how someone feels why would you add to their questioning by using all their bad and upsetting expieriences against them.
I can't change what has happened to me, and I can only move forwards in a different direction which is what I was doing and still am, but in my expierience people just arnt what they say they are at all.

An example of what I meant in my first question,
When I was young I had a very bad expierience and needed the help of an official agency, this was a very agonising expierience, but it led to my being let down and made to feel that I had done something wrong, it left me with no trust for this agency, I stated in an earlier question that I had a stalker for a long time, and initially I did not want to use this agency for help, in fear of being let down again,
So although the other person in my life could see why I was scared they just replyed with I was wrong! Now I know that I was wrong but surely there is a much better method for helping someone through their fears?
I would just like to say though, that even when I did use the help of this agency again it was all dealt with wrong- I was the one that was seen to be in the wrong, was I encouraging it? NO I was definitely not- why hadn't I reported it before? I was scared, every time I did report it things got worse.
OK so finally this stalker went to prison but not for what he had done to me, or my partner at the time.
Again I know that its probably not a good example but I have constantly listened to you never deal with things in the right way.
Don't we all do things wrong?
Isn't that where we support each other making decisions together and dealing with the consequenses together too

That's part of my point. It takes a long time to see how people really are, and sometimes our feelings get in the way of being able to see what is the truth about how someone really is, "love is blind"(?).

That takes a lot of time, and paying attention to the character, and actions of others, and how it affect them, and us. We often have our own problems, or experiences we have been through, that makes us who we are whether that's good, or bad.

Hard to explain the actions of others, or figure why they do, what they do, but no matter the actions they take, you have to love yourself enough to be able to deal with yourself, and another human, and the way you deal with each other, is what makes your relationships, and life successful, or lets you know its time to go, and be happy for yourself, and protect yourself.

It seldom works when we depend on someone else to be happy, and they fail us. That hurts like heck. Sometimes we put too much faith in others, and they just can't deliver for us. I think you have experienced that in your own life, and have dealt with having to help yourself.

Don't be alarmed, or surprised, when others do bad things to us, intentionally, or accidentally, its how you deal with it, that really counts.

Always love yourself, and treat yourself the best way possible, no matter what you have to go through, or what life throws at you.

I hear what you are saying, and yes this does make sense to a point, I do love myself and have always only been able to depend on myself, but when you think that you have spent enough time figuring out the character of a person and it all works very well, and they compliment your life the way that you need-and you return that same compliment, only for them to change, get angry and bitter where does that come from? Had they been acting like someone they wernt truly, for all those years, just playing a game, what is the reason that people change so quickly like that?
I know that in some cases there can be an outside influence from maybe someone they may be attracted to, however this is not the case, we are both choosing to be on our own.
I know that life can sometimes be cruel, and I do believe that what we go through in our lives makes us the people that we are, and I feel good about myself knowing and believeing that I am a good person and try to treat people with the same respect that I myself would wish for, but I have got to the point where I think what's the point in any if it, if everyone else just wants to get you to a secure place with them only to throw you from a great hight and watch you break

That's why its very important to be able to protect yourself, because people do change, or we get to know them better.

You may know what you have been through in the past, and are going through now, but you never know about what someone else is going through. Or how they will deal with it.

A risk we take whenever we let someone in our world, or step into theirs.

So its eaisier not to take the risk then.

This is where I don't understand because we all feel the need to share our lives with someone, a special someone, but if there's that chance that we/they can change our opinions of someone just like that what is the point of setting yourself up for heartache in the first place? It was my belief that you should share expieriences to help you grow together as a couple, but also apart as individuals as well, but coming together and sharing your views- its supposed to be OK to have different opinions and views and ways of dealing with things as long as the goals are the same at the end and you were walking the same path- how can you just change the path that you was once walking to believe something entirely different?

Quote:

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So its eaisier not to take the risk then.

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Yes, its easier, but not as much fun. And you can never grow from the experience, as must of us humans learn from experiences we go through.

Until you have gone through the experience of having your feelings change and deciding to change the path your on, its hard to explain how people change.

Right now your hurt from rejection, and that sucks, but let me tell you from experience, it also hurts to reject someone, especially if you really cared, and they really have done nothing wrong to you, its just YOUR feelings have changed. Hope that makes some sense.

Hmm some sense but I think that I'm just torturing myself really with all the confsion from the things that have been said and the things he was doing- I do need to try andmake some sense of it though or what will I have learnt? I'm not saying that I didn't do anything wrong during our relationship, I wish I was that perfect but I didn't cheat I didn't treat him bad etc etc yes we has arguments as do all couples at times, but I just didn't deal with things in the right way- he saw this as damaging I saw this as protecting- both of us!

A question that has been really bothering me that I can't shake from my mind- I didn't deal with things in the right way sometimes that he saw damaging, we would talk it over and then of course we would make up as couples do very intimately- these times became quiet aggressive and he would say that he wanted me to feel some pain as he had done when I had made the wrong decisions, now he never really hurt me and it wasn't an awful expierience, sometimes things being a little rough was ok- but why would he want to hurt me in this way- he wanted to punish me(his words) in the beginning we had such a fantastic sex life he was so gentle, what does this change towards me mean?
I know its one of those questions that is intimate, and probably very difficult to answer but is this common?

Its more than common, and over time would have escalated. One thing you should know is he was pretty selfish and controlling, as he wanted things his way. Trust me, it would have gotten worse.

Now relax, and let yourself heal from this, and clear your mind of thoughts of this guy and then your answers to your questions will be clear to you as the emotional dust hasn't settled enough to allow you to see everything as it really was. That takes time so be patient.

THANK YOU TALANIMAN, how did you become so wise?

Kissing a lot of frogs, and busting my head against a lot of brick walls.

Got tired of the chapped lips, and the headaches.

It ain't wisdom, its being tired of the pain.

But I've been tired of the pain like forever now! They say that god doesn't pt you through anything that you can't handle but I really can't handle anymore, I don't just mean the relationships thing, I mean all of it, my children are hurting his children are hurting, my daughter ran away from home to his after we split she's 11, he wouldn't even see her, I can't seem to pick her up again. His daughter has left his home cause it isn't the same now that I'm not there, she's 16, so she's legally old enough to leave, but she and I had such a good relationship, now she's throwing her education away, she's so troubled- she told me how much of a difference I made to her life, she feels that her dad and her brothers all pick on her and put her down and if I'm honest they do! I know that you are right about the controlling issues because I've seen the boys follow their dads traits, by me being there she wasn't the only other female and she felt that someone was looking out for her a little.
We had 8 children between us, he was married for 20 years previous to our 4 1/2 years together and I was married for 10.
My ex husband repeatedly cheated and I left him once I was strong enough, it did hurt but not the way that this has torn me apart.
I have spoken to my ex's ex-wife of 20 years, I don't want to be rude about her in any way at all cause I don't really know her, but she is a bit loopy now, one day she just up and left 5 kids and that's got to be hard, for her and the children, but there must have been a reason! She did come back for them but then he took her to court for them, and he won custody. They are of course used to it now- it has been a long time, 9 years in fact, she did say some things to me about her, and now my ex- about the way he was, and the way things were between them, but it was all covered very well by the fact that she was "crazy" according to everyone around them. Even their children. They do see her and quiet a lot now that they are older, but in my opinion they use her for the material things that their dad couldn't provide.
I feel like I know a little of what she may have gone through, but I've listened to it being down to me for so long- me always being wrong and doing the wrong things according to him, and he even said that I was just like his ex wife, which was hard to listen too because he told me how much he hated her, the first time I saw her I was shocked because I look just like her- I mean ten years younger but I could seriously be her twin. How do I help my children to recover from this when they miss him so much but he won't see them. How do I help his daughter when I'm not allowed to see her.
The house that we shared together was a rented property that we agreed upon and when it came to sign for this he signed all the documents, so when it was time for us to part it was me and the children that had to move out, I had put all my savings into this new house and bought all new furniture to fit this house- I gave to friends things that we had 2 of, because we didn't need 2 washing machines and 2 fridges and two ovens etc etc etc, I know these things are only material things but when you have used all of you savings on a house you don't now live in and you don't have the means to buy anymore, well I'm sure you know what I mean, when I asked him for some help because all the furniture was being left he just said that id made the decision to buy it and he didn't have the money. He got to stay in the house cause he signed and he got to keep everything and my children are the ones that have been paying the price, I feel like I'm letting them down so badly I have let them down, I'm so tired of the pain now

Too much pain now.
There is that old saying about putting a child in a cage with a dog and eventually the child will bark- this has been proven hasn't it?
Can you go through a relationship that ends up making you feel confused about who you are because of the things that have been constantly said to you?
Can you be put down to a point where you start believing that you are nothing and no-one.
I wake up in the mornings with good intentions and that's about as far as it gets, I don't feel I know what's real and what's not anymore

I know full well about the rebuilding, healing process, and how long it takes, and the hard work it involves. There is nothing harder in life, I don't think.

I also know, its time to be very selfish, and think of yourself, or you do no one any good, not even yourself.

All you say is true, and I know the pain, but there are no magic pills, quick fixes, or good advice, to replace the work that's in front of you. You just have to have faith in yourself, and get busy in your own behalf.

Just because your down, doesn't mean you stay down. I think your stronger than that, and will get up again.

The best I can do at this point, is give you a big cyber hug, so you will know someone cares, and wishes you well.

Thank you for the cyber hug, 1 FOR YOU TOO

Is there a time when you have been down for too long? I'm starting to worry that it has been too long and I'm not starting to feel better, I know that it must be different for everyone but even so I reall feel like I don't want to go on, I know that I have to, and I have to for my children more than anything, I love them with all my heart, and I am all they have, they are all I have.
I've never felt as low as I do, I feel like the control has all been taken from me, even my children have noticed that things have got worse for me, I know that there is not much that you can't hide from children but...
I really feel so alone in the world