My question is mostly on what you think of a situation. I have a boyfriend who has a wife. He says he is leaving her, they do not live together and haven't for almost 2 years. But he still wears the wedding band and says "its habit" to wear it. He calls me nonstop to tell me he loves me. Or he calls and says how much he misses me and nonstop asks me if I missed him or if I love him. Its so suffocating to me. I say he is insecure and he laughs at me. Then when I mention his wife he gets huffy. Like just talks quick and end of topic. But then nonstop wants to know about my husband ( yes I am married ) and picks about my life. I can't take it. I was thinking of ending my marriage for him. But seriously he is calling nonstop and all these stupid "do you love me and miss me" questions get on my nerves. What does anyone take of this? I know I know... end the affair. I have been there but this is a new topic. Thanks for those who helped me before. Your all right in everything you have said.

Wow, both of you are cheaters. First of all, STOP CHEATING.

Secondly, he's not the type of man you want to be with. He's a cheater himself. So you want to be with him so that he can cheat on you as well? You've got a lot of work to do on yourself.

You two have the same issue. You have to stop being a cheater. Then you have to stop wanting to be with cheaters. Block him out of your life.

The way he is behaving, he seems obsessed. So be careful. I think its better to end.

Hey.. sounds like your dealing with 2 husbands!

Your lovers head is wreaked,your head is wreaked and I've no doubt your husbands head is wreaked..

Who do you love? Who makes you feel loved and secure?

If the chips were down and you really needed help who would you call?
And would he come?

Thank you. I am working on my marriage now that I have spoken to so many on here. I guess I cracked and had the affair for the attention. My husband just isn't the type give me attention or make me feel wanted or special. I don't get gifts or whatever on holidays. I feel terrible and we are working this out. But all this time I truly wondered what made this guy I had an affair with so insecure in a sense.

Oh... I really don't know what to say...

If you don't like this constant asking and childish attitude of your BF tell him that, ask him to improve, could be that his wife never loved him or did things that made him insecure and now he's insecure about you too...


By the way I hope none of you have children...

You both need help, does adultery mean anything to either of you? Do you have any self respect? End the relationship with your husband, he deserves A LOT better than what you are giving him.

I think both of you belong together... you sound like a pair of winners to me...

Stay classy, and for God's sake, don't breed!

Maybe it's time to find a new boyfriend on the side, as this dude you are cheating on sucks... time to find someone else to cheat with...

Seriously, when down and out I don't know who I would call. My husband rarely listens. The guy I was seeing listens, but then turns my situations, whatever they may be, in to jokes and that really hurts. I guess overall I would call my husband. Which is why I know I made a mistake and I need to make this right.

It sounds like he is still with his wife,at least emotionally.
Perhaps they are trying to work on the relationship.As much as someone who is cheating can possibly do that.

I would not give up my marriage for this man but I would give it up for the obvious reason that you aren't committed to you husband.

I have yet to see a cheating relationship that ever has a good outcome.

Does your husband know you are cheating on him??

But truly I am trying to make it work with my husband. We are trying. We have both been hurt and we need to love and heal together. I am not so much with my affair any more. He is trying to stay in my life. But I don't want that. I just keep thinking he maybe played me for a fool when I was week. I don't know.

Yes my husband knows. We were in counseling and we are working on it.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Yes my husband knows. We were in counseling and we are working on it.

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And yet you still have a boyfriend... while you are married :rolleyes:... what type of counseling are you going to??

The counseling is because of my bad choices. I know I made a mistake. I know that.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Seriously, when down and out I dont know who I would call. My husband rarely listens. The guy I was seeing listens, but then turns my situations, whatever they may be, in to jokes and that really hurts. I guess overall I would call my husband. Which is why I know I made a mistake and I need to make this right.

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Slow down there. You've got to take this one step at the time. First of all, I know that when you are down you want someone to turn to. But you have a more urgent matter. Your "husband rarely listens." You have to fix this communication breakdown with your husband first. If he's that neglectful, then you have to bring it up with him. If you cannot repair your communication and trust, then how can you even go on with this marriage?

Turning to the guy that you are cheating with is not the answer. On top of that, he's married.

As for your personal issues, if you are desperate to talk to someone, because the issue is "more important" than fixing your marriage, how about turing to your parents? Friends? Cousins? Siblings? Aunts? Uncles? Grandparents? Therapy? This forum?

You aren't getting me... you are still making those same mistakes! Made is past tense... time to correct things! NOW!

This reminds me of Pinky from the movie "Next Friday" when he says: "Don't kill me man, I got a girlfriend with a wife on the side..."

I do appreciate that after doing all this you ar e accepting it and ready to rectify your mistakes


Leave this BF and try to look again for the things that made you fall in love with your husband, his qualities that made you marry him...

I just have that type of husband who doesn't pay attention and that's that. I do it all for him. Then when he does something and it fails I am there to pick up the pieces. I have been the everything in our marriage. I stood by him through 7 years of lying internet porn. It was hard but I stayed. Now as I get older I just got weak. He just doesn't get me after 18 years. Birthday, anniversaries and other holidays, forget it. Dates? Forget that. We know were are problems are and we both need to work on them. But when I start, he just doesn't. So someone came along and showered me with attention and whatever. I did ignore it for a long time but finally I just gave up. I feel so much guilt knowing about his wife and my husband. Which is why I am ending it and need to just keep picking away at my marriage. I guess as I sit here and think of it all and see how my boyfriend acts/acted it makes me think I am being played. I am in the middle of ending the affair. I have put distance and refuse calls. But sometimes he gets through. But over all I sit and wonder with this suffocating behavior what kind of man would he have been like? I have never seen a man like that I guess. But I know I am wrong and everyone out there can tell me that.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

But truly I am trying to make it work with my husband. We are trying. We have both been hurt and we need to love and heal together. I am not so much with my affair any more. He is trying to stay in my life. But I dont want that. I just keep thinking he maybe played me for a fool when I was week. I dont know.

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I am confused as to how you can say you are truly trying to make your marriage work if you are still involved with another man.

If you want your marriage to work,you must end the affair.

You simply can't have it both ways. No body played you,you allowed the affair to happen.You need to take responsibility for your own actions.It sounds like you feel justified in your cheating.Blaming your husband for not being a certain way,not buying you gifts.These are issues that are not deal breakers in a marriage ,these are things that can be worked out.
Bringing another person into the mix only complicates matters.

Your lover listened but made it into a joke.. your husband does not listen,buy you gifts etc...

If you were on the outside of this situation how would it look to you?

I can let you know right now it does not fair well on you.. thats harsh.I know.

I'm not being very helpful here... have you tried talking to your husband?

Sit him down and tell him your not happy,in fact your so unhappy you want to leave,tell him you love him (dont mention affair) and would he consider you both get some help to get back on track.
I don't know you or your husband,but it seems YOU need to do something to save your marriage before the next guy who gives you some attention comes along.

My husband and I have had issues a few years ago, not involving an affair and we almost split. He knows I am not happy and he knows I want to work on changes. But a few years ago he never tried with me. I don't know what to do. I know the affair wasn't the right answer. I am not trying to justify it in any way. Maybe I don't know how to be happy where I am. I know its not greener on the other side. But maybe I don't know how to love my husband again. I don't know. Maybe I just need you all to listen and I need to hear what you all have to say. You must have all been in situations your not proud of, but you put yourself there and hit rock bottom so to speak?

I got to say, if you aren't happy with your husband, and he isn't trying, then maybe it is time to call it quits. Life is too short to deal with someone who seems to have no desire to make things better. Yes, divorce sucks, but sometimes it is the better alternative to staying in a toxic relationship where both parties have made significant contributions towards its demise.

Yes, I can see where you are coming from. I have put myself in positions I am not proud of, and have worked my way back from rock bottom. I am proof that it can happen, mine happened after my break up. I found quotes that gave me inspiration so that if I got discourages I could read them and realize there is better out there and I have to make it happen. No one was going to give it to me. If he isn't willing to work this out or go to counseling than maybe it's time to see a divorce counselor instead.

I guess I am just so lonely and sick of it.

You said you and your husband went to counseling, correct, however you are still with the other guy, and your husband is not putting in the effort to also make things work. To me, this is disaster all around. I think you may want to think about ending your marriage, and your relationship with the boyfriend. It's poison all the way around. I can't see anything good coming out of any of this. Now there is lack of trust that I am sure your husband is feeling, you are not seeing changes in him, you are still seeing the boyfriend, and you don't care for him much anymore either. To me, the writing is on the wall.

I know. Maybe I am scared. I don't know. Maybe I am embarrassed over the affair. Again I don't know. Its been this crazy whirlwind and I lost who I was in it and I don't know what the heck to think any more. How can I make it work at home and how can we fall in love again. I have seen people get over affairs I know it can happen. I just want to love and be loved. Have any of you ever cheated? Or you know someone who did I am sure. There are 2 sides to every story. I knew it was wrong and stupid me did it anyway.

Sunflower,I have hit rock bottom and kept digging,I have done things I'm ashamed off and only GOD could forgive me..

We all make mistakes.
We all fall.
We all fail the ones we love at some point.
But.
This one you can fix.
Be honest,be brave,be true to yourself.
Find yourself a shovel and start digging your way out of that bloody mess!

Sunflower,

Perhaps a place to start is for you to go to a counselor by yourself, to help you figure yourself out, and what you really want. I know divorce is scary (if that is what is going to happen), I've been through it, but in the end it was for the best. Neither one of us cheated but I wasn't happy anymore, and even with marriage counseling, we both knew it was time to say good bye. After that, I sought counseling for myself. This maybe what you need.

I did see the counselor alone at times. But she had this amazing way of making me feel wrong. I know I am since I chose the affair. But sometimes her words made me feel less then I am or that I was wasting her time. So we did stop going to her. But my brother made a point to me. That years ago couples just stayed married. It was hell, they made it through deaths, illnesses, affairs, job losses, they just made it work and they stayed married. I agree with him. So many people these days just walk away the second they feel they "lost" it. I want to feel it again with my husband and hate what I have done. I am the child of divorced parents. I was 18 when they split and it sucked for everyone. I know what to do deep in my head. I guess your all helping me by telling me. Its easier to read it and hear it and have the advice.

But honestly... aside from the affair... I wondered what made my BF act like that. Constantly asking if I miss him and love him and calling nonstop. One night I didn't answer my phone and he called me like 13 times in an hour. Come on!! But he still wears his wedding band, saying his marriage is over and I am the love of his life? Does this make sense?? I just want someone's opinion on that at this point. Because this is one of his actions that did make me realize my husband was a good man. I just feel so down and guilty I chose this route.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

But honestly...................aside from the affair..........I wondered what made my BF act like that. Constantly asking if I miss him and love him and calling nonstop. One night I didnt answer my phone and he called me like 13 times in an hour. Come on!!! But he still wears his wedding band, saying his marriage is over and I am the love of his life? Does this make sense??? I just want someones opinion on that at this point. Because this is one of his actions that did make me realize my husband was a good man. I just feel so down and guilty I chose this route.

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I think he feels compelled to tell you these things to keep you as his women on the side.
He wants his wife and he wants a little on the side.
No one just wears their wedding band out of habit.That sounds false.

Perhaps you need to be alone right now,without any emotional involvement at all.
Neither of these relationships are healthy and it seems as if you are needing to have a man in your life,so you are accepting anything rather than being alone.

Well I don't know how much he has his wife. He moved her out almost 2 years ago. Which makes no sense to me. But anyway... on a lighter note. My husband and I are taking a mini vacation with our son in a couple weeks. Its much needed family time and I can't wait. I miss us as a family and I am lonely for us as a family. I hope its one more step to a road in the right direction.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

But honestly...................aside from the affair..........I wondered what made my BF act like that. Constantly asking if I miss him and love him and calling nonstop. One night I didnt answer my phone and he called me like 13 times in an hour. Come on!!! But he still wears his wedding band, saying his marriage is over and I am the love of his life? Does this make sense??? I just want someones opinion on that at this point. Because this is one of his actions that did make me realize my husband was a good man. I just feel so down and guilty I chose this route.

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Sounds like he's just holding on to his marriage as a safety net. If he knew that you really loved him back and willing to leave your husband for him, he would leave his wife for you.

Seems like neither of you want to take that step, so both of you are holding on to what you have.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Well I dont know how much he has his wife. He moved her out almost 2 years ago. Which makes no sense to me. But anyways................on a lighter note. My husband and I are taking a mini vacation with our son in a couple weeks. Its much needed family time and I can't wait. I miss us as a family and I am lonely for us as a family. I hope its one more step to a road in the right direction.

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Good first step. Maybe this is what you need. A vacation to get away from all the stress. Maybe you'll feel more refreshed when you come back.

Broken marriages cannot be fixed overnight. You can either try to repair the damage or call it quits. However, you cannot repair the damage alone. You really have to fix your communication breakdown. Keep talking to him.

If he knew that you really loved him back and willing to leave your husband for him, he would leave his wife for you.

WELL... here is the thing. I did leave my husband. I moved out 4 days after Christmas. I stayed out almost 2 months. The BF didn't do a thing. He said he talked about a divorce with her. That's it. So during all this I realized I had made a mistake and wanted to go home. I also told my BF he was holding on to her as a back up. I told him he was just going to cheat on her again when I go home. He said that's not true. But I wasn't born yesterday. I know this. I just got so caught up in it and it blinded me.

Thank you all so much for listening! I feel like I am running in circles.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

WELL..........here is the thing. I did leave my husband. I moved out 4 days after Christmas. I stayed out almost 2 months. The BF didnt do a thing. He said he talked about a divorce with her. Thats it. So during all this I realized I had made a mistake and wanted to go home. I also told my BF he was holding on to her as a back up. I told him he was just going to cheat on her again when I go home. He said thats not true. But I wasnt born yesterday. I know this. I just got so caught up in it and it blinded me.

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Well then he has his chance but he missed it. Sounds like he's regretting it maybe?

Either way, I don't think you should go near this guy. He's a cheater himself. So even if you were to get together, you will always be insecure, fearing that he will cheat on you.

Just implement the no contact rule. Change numbers if you have to so that he can stop calling. He will eventually get the hint when you don't pick up or return his calls.

Well lets hope. I have been thinking that myself. He had his chance and missed out. So now I am focused on doing what's right. I will keep you all updated and definitely let you know how my get a way with my family goes. We are going April 16th-18th. I just can't wait!!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...an-328360.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...in-338525.html

Its not his issues that are important, but yours. You look for love in all the wrong places and the wrong ways and hurt yourself by running from your REAL issues, what to do about your marriage. Cheating is not the answer, as now you can't even relate to your married lover.

Your solution is to stop cheating.

I know I need to stop cheating. I know this completely and I want to. I am putting so much distance out there between us. He knows its coming. It will be so hard but I want to do it. I want this over. If I need to be divorced I certainly don't want it to be for another man. Its soooo hard to walk away but I can do it I know I can.