Hello everyone I'm new to posting on this site and I am really looking forward to maybe getting a resolution and learning from this experience. Let me start with the background information to make things easy I will abbreviate both of our names My names "I" I live in bakersfield, ca am now 20 years old, my girlfriend "L" is still 19 our relationship lasted just over 2 years and now I don't know what to do.

I am a very goal oriented person that is looking forward to the future and am now at college pursuing my computer science degree, I have a good idea where I want to go and what I want to do when I am older. I had always had a lot of friends and a good family growing up. That is why I have always been the responsible one in the relationship.

Early on in our relationship she seemed to know where she wanted to go in life as well, she turned down a full ride scholarship to orange county art school(shes good at drawing) to stay with me and go to the local college to get her degree in animal science. After a semester or two something happened to where she now has no desire to go to school and has failed all her classes. She is not as goal oriented or ambitious as me, had some good close friends(but not alot) and her mom hasn't been the greatest asset in her life. She was always very shy growing up where as I was more outgoing. I know we are very different but they do say opposites attract.


In the beginning of the relationship everything was going fine we were actually both first loves with only a couple of meaningless relationships before we got together. The first couple of months really were easy and it just seemed to good to be true, but everyone here knows how the start of a relationship usually is. In about the 8th month the first problem appeared she had developed feelings for another guy and being new to relationships didn't know that you could have feelings for someone else but still make it work with the person you loved. That ordeal really only lasted a week or two during that time we broke up and retained little contact until one day she called me over to the park close by and we had a good talk and things worked out ever so slowly, after some compromises and promises that were upheld, but after that experience I always had some jealousy issues I couldn't overcome.

So moving on about three months ago was when the problems started the foundation we once shared of common goals had now crumbled she was no longer doing anything productive for her future and was partying far to often. I on the other hand was making the mistake of forcing her to do responsible things that needed to be done, I guess I was trying to look for her best interests but I began to sound too much like a parent.

The reason why I think we are not together today is because she was not ready(mature) enough for this kind of commitment and still had some has some partying to get out of her system. For example I guess for a couple weeks now she has been smoking weed with one of our friends without telling me. I have always treated her very good and tried to look out for her but I guess I have learned that you can't force anyone to do anything.

So one day I was trying to talk with her about some of the problems we had the relationship just started feeling different, I guess within those three months the spark had died and I got the line "My feelings for you just aren't the same." after that I tried to explain to her that that can happen in a relationship but its up to both of the individuals to fix it. She was not listening to anything I was saying ignoring every solution I brought to her until finally I got really mad and said some very hurtful things to her. A week later we talked I apoligized and told her that it just felt like the world was caving in on me, regardless she broke it off we me saying she loves and cares about me deeply but she wants time to be selfish and experience life as single for awhile.

Now that I have been single for a few days it is tearing me up inside I know I should not contact her but sometimes I can't take it and I snap and end up calling her just to hear her voice, although overall there has been little contact between us, I do not think she is ready to talk about anything yet. Her mom really likes me I called her yesterday and she said that "l" has been saying that she is hurting bad and she doesn't want to make a decision that she regrets.

Based off all of this I have came to the conclusion that I will most likely be single for months to come maybe even until a new girl comes along. I think that "l" needs that time to find herself and realize where she needs to go in life.

If anyone needs more information just ask and pleasssse help me out here I'm dying.

You should give yourself more credit than that. I'm sure you have a lot of to offer a girlfriend, but she's definitely not the same girl that you feel for in the beginning.

You already know what you want in life, but she's still finding herself. I'm sure that you really liked her, but in reality, you two are not compatible. Staying with her will also cause pain.

It will get better. You just have to give yourself some time. The early days of a breakup are more traumatising, so just take it easy on yourself.

In the meantime, try reading some of the Stickies in this forum. It will help you cope with breakups and continue the NC.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...kup-78597.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-123862.html

etc.

I know that it seems like it can't work out but what does the word incompatible mean! What if a few months down the line she realizes what she lost and wants to make it work between the two of us, I know she's young but all of us get out of the party phase eventually.

Ulike you she doesn't have her goals in order, unsure of her future, and isn't ready to be in a committed relationship. She wants to be free and loose and just roam around until she decides to do differently.

She stated she was "immature" and this can help shred some light on her actions. Maybe she wants to see what is on the other door, get out and party, not go school but you know what? You can't change that.

Sometimes people change. Everyone don't always walk in a straight line. She proved that when she left you the first time for another guy because he caught her attention. She is one of thos girls that is going reflect back on you and realize what she had but it's going be too late. He lost is going be someone else's gain.

You sound like a man with a plan so stick with it and don't let her change you or what you've planned. There is someone else out there that would love to be with someone like you because guys like you are a dime a dozen.

Get over her and move forward.

Wow seems like a general consensus so far, nothing ever happened between her and the other guy it was more of an emotional thing. So none of you out there think that this could be a phase that she needs to go through in order to realize what she lost and find herself out by herself? I'm sorry I thank you very much for the advice but I might have forgot to put that I am a bit stubborn at times.

I also made the mistake of not writing everything in the 1st topic to keep things short and brief she is someone that would never intentionally hurt someone its just not her. She is actually a good person and I know for a fact she did not break up with me just to hurt me, she is the type that sat in her room for a week crying hysterically after her dog died, and the type of person done any wrong to a friend.

She is just really confused and after seeing her mom in a bajillion failed relationships she hasn't realized what it takes to commit.

I've been here over a year, and the basic logic I have gotten is, they seldom break up over just one fight, it's been brewing for awhile now. Another thing, they don't ever want to intentionally hurt you, you might not want to believe it right now, I didn't when my ex broke up with me, but after you heal, you realize it's for the best

I'm sure she didn't intentionally try to hurt you, but you are hurt nonetheless.

So what exactly do you want? Do you want ways to get over her? Do you want to wait for her?

I'm not sure I would love for her to get her head on straight and say "wow i made a mistake" later on down the road and decide that she threw away the best thing she had.

The thing is I'm not sure if she did all of this because she was immature and not ready for a relationship and will be in 6mo-1yr or whatever or if she realized what she was doing and now in her mind were done forever.

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Originally Posted by drinkmenow8

I'm not sure I would love for her to get her head on straight and say "wow i made a mistake" later on down the road and decide that she threw away the best thing she had.

The thing is I'm not sure if she did all of this because she was immature and not ready for a relationship and will be in 6mo-1yr or whatever or if she realized what she was doing and now in her mind were done forever.

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She is continuing to find herself and no one knows how she will be in 6months-1year or more. If you still care about her well-being, then I'm sure you will have a chance to be friends again in the future. Right now, it's probably best to NC for both of you to move on. You have your goals and she has to find herself.

WoW with a head like that on you my friend at your age!. honestly she is really losing out!
she is the young that is to young to handel a real relationship

which is something you tried to bring to the table Now




When they say oh I need to find myself la la la..

I mean.. what! That has to be the biggest load of.. C#$P there is..

If you are with someone.. and you love them it honestly does not matter where they are going or what they are doing because you really just love everything about them, and you want share in there life. And make a go of life Together! Face anything together.

I know it sounds very moviesh but.. it is a true fact.

You said it all in your email. She is not ready, so yeah take this time to heal do not beat yourself up about this.. you did everything you was suppose to do if not more.

Let her get left back =) you keep moving forward!

All right so I'm still in the process of trying to move on at the same time, right now I am trying to gain some closure so I can go back to my independent confident old self.

The two questions I have been beating myself over the head over are:

1. is she going through a party phase to cover up the or because that is what she wanted to do the entire time but couldn't because of me?

2. if we were not compatible from the get go why did it last two years

And I guess a 3rd question would be:

3. since she seems unstable at the moment in the future when she is stable and has goals and ambitions would that make us compatible

There were a lot of things that made us compatible in the beginning same religious beliefs, goals, music, TV, we both love anime, and others

If someone here can tell me definitively that we were never meant for each other and that in the future it will never work out because of our personalities please tell me why and try to explain it slow... like I said I am young inexperienced, and stubborn. Thank you for the support.

That is a lot of what-ifs.

1) Only she knows that answers. My guess that she doesn't know what she wants in life. Partying is kind of a distraction, to have fun so that she does not have to think about the serious stuff.

2) There are may possibilities to drag out a relationship. You can have feelings for one another but be incompatible, which appears to be your case. Since you have feelings, you give it a shot.

3) I broke up with one of my ex thinking the same way. After a while, I stopped believing that even if she changed we would get back together. You can't predict the future. Maybe you will find someone even better than her and your ex will be in the history books.

When it comes to career, then it's good to think about the distant future. When it comes to relationships, unless you are in a serious and stable relationship, there's no point thinking so far ahead.

You can spend your whole life waiting on what ifs, but when are you going to start living in reality.

Think about it, I could spend my whole life on "what if Megan Fox walks into my room naked looking for me"

I occasionally wonder what if, sure, but not about girls. I am a great hockey player, had a roster spot reserved for me on the Ontario River Rapids but had one too many concussions and wasn't able to play. Sure for awhile I thought my life was over, hockey was what I was good at, it was what I was known for. So I had two choices, sit and wallow in self pity about how life isn't fair, or make it so I'm known to people and myself for something else. I went with option number 2, and I haven't looked back since.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

You can spend your whole life waiting on what ifs, but when are you going to start living in reality.

Think about it, I could spend my whole life on "what if Megan Fox walks into my room naked looking for me"

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This would be impossible as I don't let her out of my house...

I knew she was somewhere! Share the wealth!

Yeah, don't waste your time beating your head trying to figure out the "what if" questions. You will end up filling yourself with false hope of a future together with your ex.

Just concentrate on the here and now, and what you can do for yourself. You will be much better off.

When we are young we may be mature in some ways, but immature, and inexperienced in others. Know one knows what the future will bring, but for sure we can make plans for ourselves.

That's part of your conflict, you have a plan, and she doesn't, and she is not ready for your plan, nor wants it. She is on one path, and you are on another.

Best you let her do her own thing, and learn in her own way, and enjoy the time you had, but continue down your own path without her. She made her choice, now you must make yours.

Not unusual, as we all change, and grow, and make decisions for ourselves. You sure can't make her have feelings for you. Let her go! There will be other options, and opportunities, later down the road.

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1. is she going through a party phase to cover up the or because that is what she wanted to do the entire time but couldn't because of me?

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I think as she left high school, and home, she saw a lot of things that attracted her, and its not unusual to explore ones new found freedom, when your young, and fresh, to the world. Its neither good or bad, but she has been thinking of this for quite a while, until she was ready to tell you. You have been seeing the signs, but ignored them, or didn't know what they meant.

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2. if we were not compatible from the get go why did it last two years

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Growing, and learning, is about change, and adjustments. She was not prepared to make those adjustments, and had different ideas as to the path she wanted for herself. You must respect that. You made adjustments, and changes, for what you wanted, so did she, and they were not compatible. Accept that.

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3. since she seems unstable at the moment in the future when she is stable and has goals and ambitions would that make us compatible

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She may seem unstable, but she is happier learning, and growing, on her own, and everyone deserves the chance to live, grow, and even fail, on their own. She wants to be independent to make her own choices, as do you, so what was compatible has changed, so adjust to it, by letting her do as she pleases.

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there were a lot of things that made us compatible in the beginning same religious beliefs, goals, music, TV, we both love anime, and others

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That's all well, and good, but it wasn't enough, and seldom is. Being willing to work together thru honest communications was missing from this equation. She was not willing to work with you on your plan. It was that simple.

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if someone here can tell me definitively that we were never meant for each other and that in the future it will never work out because of our personalities please tell me why and try to explain it slow... like i said I am young inexperienced, and stubborn.

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We don't know the future, but we do know we must grow, and learn how to deal with what life presents us. We also must learn about ourselves, and how we deal with our own, hopes and fears and desires, and dreams. That's where your at, and what you must do. Deal with yourself, and your feelings, in a healthy positive way, that makes you happy, despite what life puts you through.

Sorry for your loss, in time it gets better, by leaving her alone, and grow to know your own happiness. Good luck with that, hope this helps.

So no one here sees a possibility of us getting back together? Even if its just to humor me someone give me a scenario of how it could happen. Regardless I realize I have to deal with this anyway and I have one step at a time I now just feel sad that its gone and angry at her for bottling up her feelings not communicating and then all of a sudden making this decision it happened so fast. Based off the way in which it did happen I figure that if she learns and grows and I learn and grow that maybe our paths could once again realign,

I really am taking in advice its just that this is a major thing for me and I'm not experienced at handling this sort of thing.

Oh yea I know from many sources that she definitely has no intentions of dating and she's already expressed doubt in the decision she's made just to throw that in. Even so she did make the decsion and maybe I'm just being foolish to try and hold something that doesn't exist. Almost like trying to hold water in your hands.

Could you two get back together?: Yes, it is absolutely possible.

Should you worry about whether that happens?: NO!

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Originally Posted by drinkmenow8

Oh yea I know from many sources that she definitely has no intentions of dating and she's already expressed doubt in the decision she's made just to throw that in. Even so she did make the decsion and maybe I'm just being foolish to try and hold something that doesn't exist. almost like trying to hold water in your hands.

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During the early days of a breakup, you will continue to hope that there is a chance to get back together.

It's not whether you have a chance in the future. That should not be your concern right now. Worry about yourself first. Heal from this break up. Make yourself a better person and apply the no contact rule so that she can do the same.

Once both of you have moved on, who knows what will happen in the future. Anything is possible.

You can't move forward thinking that you will be getting back with her, otherwise you will be making decisions based on that false hope of this reunion happening.

The possibility exists, but the odds of you getting back together are severely out of your favor. It is best to proceed forward with the notion that reconciling with your ex WILL NOT happen.

Just look ahead at focus on that. As you heal you will be able to see other options, and opportunities clearer.

Right now the feelings you have to deal with of loss, are fresh, and raw. Time will heal, and you can make good decisions, based on facts, and not just feelings.

All right then that is what I will do, I will use the NC rule and see what I can do to better myself atm.

Oh yea I actually have a huggggeee question Me and my girlfriend were actually introduced to the same group of friends which is one of the problems I have soooo now basically the group is split up between my group and her group basically party people that aren't amounting too much and me and my friends who all have solid plans. Anyway the question is in a little over a week my best friend has a beach trip planned and wants me to go, but the thing is my ex is going as well... what should I do?

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Originally Posted by drinkmenow8

Oh yea I actually have a huggggeee question Me and my gf were actually introduced to the same group of friends which is one of the problems i have soooo now basically the group is split up between my group and her group basically party people that aren't amounting to much and me and my friends who all have solid plans. Anyways the question is in a little over a week my best friend has a beach trip planned and wants me to go, but the thing is my ex is going as well... what should i do?

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Tell him thanks, but no thanks... :cool:

That's what I was leaning towards is there any way of handling the "friends" situation?

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Originally Posted by drinkmenow8

thats what i was leaning towards is there any way of handling the "friends" situation?

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I've been in this situation before. The group does split up and there's nothing much you can do about it. If they are really your friends, you should tell them the situation and they will respect you. They will arrange activities accordingly until you have completely healed and ready to see your ex again.

Unfortunately, this is the type of situation where you find out who your true friends are.

I would make a different plan, with different people.

If your friends will not accommodate you during this painful time, by planning separate activities with you and leaving your ex out of them (and vice versa), it maybe time to find new ones. As a matter of fact, this would be the perfect time to expand your social circle to include new people that none of your current friends know.

All right you guys I'm starting to get better I realize now that us not working out was mostly because of herself and what she is going through at the time and that circumstances suck! And could have been better to make the relationship last but she wasn't ready for a real committed relationship yet and maybe she never will be I may never know


I wanted everyone that has helped me to know that I love them and thank them for reaching out for me. Also I wanted to give you an update on what is going on.

So ever since she left me she has been hanging out smoking week drinking every single night it is almost like she has hit rock bottom.

Q: Does anyone know why she is doing this other then that she was sheltered not taught any better and now is unrestricted by me?

It hurts so much to see a friend fall I guess my best friend has seen her a couple times since the break up and she looks like #$%% It hurts a lot I have NOT CONTACTED her in over 3 weeks since the break up.

I still can't come face to face with her I have seen her driving around part of me feels so angry towards her but part of me feels like she is innocent and as a person is years away from the level of maturity I am at. I guess in a couple of month I will inevitably hear what her true colors are but by then I will be done with her.

Obviously, her coping skills are not that developed.

It hurt the other day when my friend told me he saw her driving her car completely high and look white as a ghost

She is going to do what she wants. If she wants to experience life in this way, you have to let her and just let go. There is nothing you can do. Just stick to what you are doing and work towards getting her out of your thoughts.

Don't worry about her. She isn't worrying about you.

Its supposed to hurt seeing a past attachment run head first into a brick wall. Your human, and you care.

This is sooooo retarded honestly there are a lot of great qualities about this girl and they were apparent when we started dating, but even then there were many bad qualities about her too much of the relationship felt like holding back a dam from breaking... and guess what it broke.

This is the same path her mom went down, grew up poor got government aid became less poor spent that money on drugs and finally when she's in her 40's she pulled her head out of her @ss and started making something of herself.

At this point I don't want to even be with someone like this but seriously I can't stand on the sidelines and watch her go through this

Btw a friend told me her and a couple other people were popping oxy's the other day... that's not good.

Even as a friend not an ex or boyfriend is there a way I can stop this... or convince one of my close friends to talk to her or something... I'm not a psychologists but I know nothing good can come from this sort of a situation.

I think the main reason the attraction died between us was because I was constantly feeling like a babysitter with her always telling her right from wrong which is bad because I shouldn't be the one to do this her parents should have but her mom was not much of a parent.

Can any expert tell me... isn't it necessary to have two people on the same maturity level in a relationship? Just because when I saw a friend a couple years back who was 19 and dating a 14 year old(yes I thought it was gross) they didn't last more then 6 months

So in this case could someone please tell me that it wasn't my fault because no one should have to be with someone that abusing substances even if they are young right? Any relationship where that is apparent has problems anyway correct? GODDDD I hate being so dam young and inexperienced I wish I was like 30 and could answer my own questions.

When she is older do you think she will regret the decision she made? I mean I am not perfect but not many people are do you think she was just to young to be ready for a real relationship? Why do you think all this crap she's doing is happening after the 2 yrs relationship possibly because she always longed to do these things but knew she couldn't with me because we were on different pages of life? I don't know... just someone give me some thoughts.

I time you will be able to answer your own questions. Once the emotional dust settles in your head, you will be able to reflect back on the relationship and see everything for what it truly was.

As far as her substance abuse goes, you can try all you want to prevent her from doing drugs. You can tell how bad they are and how addictive the drugs she is taking are. However, what it all comes down to is, is she willing to help herself?

If she is not willing to get off the dope for herself, no one is going to make her choice for her and change her actions. Sometimes people have to fall, in order to realize what they have done and get back up on there own. I know it is hard for you to do that. I have had many friends go down the road of drug abuse. I would always be the one on the side saying "You guys really need to stop this stuff. It is slowly killing you. You are getting addicted and need to stop now." Did they listen... NO. Not even the death of our really close friend (on of my best friends), from a drug overdose, do anything to make them realize what they did to themselves. In time some learned, and some still did not. It wasn't me or anyone else who made them wake up and choice the path to sobriety, it was themselves!

Substance abuse is hard. It's hard on the abuser and hard on the people close to them. The abuser suffers the direct problems associated with the drugs they are doing. While the people who are close to them suffer by watching what the drugs do to the abuser.

People who care ALWAYS try to help the abuser. However, the only way the abuser will stop is if THEY choose to help themselves and stop on their own. Once they make that choice, you can be there to support them, but THEY MUST make the choice for themselves FIRST.

I know it's hard for you to see her go through this, but honestly nothing you do or say will make her change. She HAS to be the one to do it, or else she will just end up lying to you and betraying herself, if she is not totally committed to stop.

Sorry for your pain, but this is one of those situations where the person has to learn to help themselves.