Just broke up with 7yr XGF - revolving relationship - need opinions
Hello :D I felt the need to express myself to a group of listening strangers and just get a realistic point of view from someone who is not my friend or her friend.
I have been dating the same girl for 7 years. This girl is someone I wanted to marry but there has always been something keeping her from wanting to marry me. This relationship came to a finishing point this year when I decided that I could no longer take the relationship and realized that I was not going to be happy if we married, and also feared it ending in divorce. So I ended it. I wish it wasn't over, but I feel like the issues we are having are life issues and personality conflicts that are impossible to resolve.
point 1) this girls parents were in a fatal car accident 5 years ago. Her father died, mother survived. This was after 1 year of dating. So the remaining 6 years have been a coping / fatherly / I'm there for you / type relationship. Yes, we make love, yes she loves me, yes I love her, but it took on a slightly different feeling after the accident.
point 2) this girl has sugar daddys. 1 sugar daddy was her old boss. She talks to him on the phone daily? At least 3 or 4 times a week. He is on her fav five cellphone friends. He is twice her age. Lended her money for her car when she needs it. And takes her to expensive restaurants for dinner (alone) 2 times a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. She denies any wrongdoing and insists that were not married so she can have guy friends, and that if we were married she wouldn't want them?? Which I don't believe.
why is she hanging with this rich guy? Is he getting sex? Why would he pay for dinners, over and over and over, pay for cars, and be on her friends list, etc, if he wasn't getting ANYTHING over all these years?
it makes me lose trust.
point 3) she has 2 other "male" friends that she hangs with. Calls them 3 or 4 times a week, maybe more. 1 is the fat guy who will never get laid but lets her know he wishes he could (power for her? ). The other guy is married as well and has a wife and kid and they work together.
None of these 3 guys are attractive... and I am basically a male model :P LOL! So I've never never never felt like she was going to sleep with them or cheat on me because I am beautiful and a great lover and have always fulfilled those aspects for her. But I am also smart and think that she gets something from each guy to complete a man? I give her comfort, sex, and attention from a good looking guy (plus the whole I was there for her when her family had the car accident). I think the rich guy gives her gifts, restaurants, money and status, and I think the fat guy gives her sexual power where he wishes he could be with her and she just eats it up. And the last guy with the wife gives her friendship or whatever...
so... I let her be friends with these guys for YEARS. PLURAL. I'm not the jealous controlling boyfriend.. but I'm also not going to sit on the sidelines and let a rich sugardaddy take her to 150 dollar dinner 2 times a week. GUESS WHAT. I can't! I'm not a lawyer.. Im a normal guy.. any normal smart guy thinks spending 300 dollars a week on dinner is stupid, raise your hand
:::waves hand in the air:::
also... I told these things to my mother once and asked her advice and my mom started to cry and told me she wanted me to just be happy and that she doesn't see my X-GF respecting me, or appreciating who I am and what I do have to offer.
On the same wavelength, my best guyfriend, who makes about 25 - 35k a year married his girlfriend and they have been happy for 2 or 3 years now with a kid. I make more money than that, so I've always thought the marriage would be OK and if we truly loved each other we could survive on 40 - 80k. My XGF thinks otherwise and insists I get a better job, insists I work my off.. for what? So she can stop hanging with the sugardaddy at dinners?
Did I just get into a failing relationship and its my fault for not leaving sooner? I've been battling with these things I've mentioned for 2 or 3 years now and finally just gave up. I still see her "on occasion" but I don't answer my phone when she calls, I only get text messages from her and I am trying to answer less and less and would love to just CUT it totally but there is a small part in my heart that just wishes she was a different person.
There are other factors and things that I could bring up but there has been so many things that have happened in the 7 years its hard to even cohersively place them in a linear timeline of events.
I do know for a while (1-2 yrs) she wouldn't kiss me and would turn her cheek when I kissed her. That was the last time we broke up was cause I couldn't live with someone who was unwilling to kiss me. We were broken up for mebbe 6 months and then I came back to her, and from that day on she will kiss me now, but its just not a loving kiss.
I guess the more I write the more obvious this answer is so its almost like I am just looking for other opinions from guys and girls on what I've written, as well as being willing to answer some questions for anyone who needs more information.
What happens when you break NC. Read for a example:
Threads merged
OK, I am a idiot for breaking NC. I had no reason to either, I was fine, she was fine. I wanted to get some photos and stuff that she had of mine, and in all honesty it didn't even matter that much, definetally NOT enough to break no contact.
1) I ask for photos and stuff. She does NOT give them to me because she is too busy, so she wants me to remind her later or re-ask again.. so that's reason #1 for not breaking NC, it just puts you in a position where you have to stay in contact because you aren't going to get the answer you were looking for. No X is going to say, oh we haven't talked in 2 months? You want something, let me drop what I'm doing and grab it for you and email it 2 you.. they are going to be busy, just like I should be :)
2) I broke up with her. Me. Yet when I was on the phone with her, and she was asking how I was doing, how she's doing, blah blah, it somehow gets flipped like, she broke up with me because of things I didn't do, or I forget how she put it, basically it was one of those, "I still love you, but I just wish you had your together, blah blah"
and I'm like, wait a second? What? Its me? I am the one who broke up with you (I am saying this in my mind). It was so crazy how I feel 1 way, and I thought I made my points clear and we split, and now months later she has convinced herself that I was in the wrong, that I didn't live up to my end of the deal in the relationship, and that if I was B and not A, then we could be together.
which the whole conversation sucked because I was trying to be cool, nice, and etc, yet halfway through the conversation I wanted to say "dude, you are a idiot" but I didn't. I let her have her 5 minutes, listened, then when I hung up I felt really ty, like I was a or I was in the wrong.
It make me realize once again why NC is so important, and why breaking it 2 or 3 months down the road is just going to really suck for you because you aren't going to be talking to the same person you were in love with, your going to be talking to someone who has resolved all their issues with the relationship so they feel good, not so its reality.
so.. don't break NC. Its just not worth it :)
8 year X-GF is now dating a guy 12 years older than her after only 2 months of breaku
I am/was on NC with my X. I understand that I just shouldn't care who or what she dates, I mean, we aren't dating! But life doesn't work that way. Our friends are connected and so because of that we are mutually connected, even through the grapevine. Basically I found out that after we broke up (dated from 20 - 28). She is 28, I am 28, she is now dating a guy who is 38+ years old. He is ugly, bald, old, but he is a lawyer and has $.
I should have just ignored it, but I am an idiot, I called her and basically had it out with her. She would not answer, and put me off saying she didn't want to talk to me none of my business, etc. I couldn't accept that as an answer and so we started text messaging, and finally she broke down and told me that yes, they were dating, and that he respects her, treats her like a queen, and that she can ultimately see herself marrying him.
This makes me feel like crap. I know that I am better off without her, but this is just a serious low blow after 8 years of relationship. On top of this, she told me she loved me not 2 months ago. This guy has been in the picture for the entire 8 years, she use to work for him, he gives her money, loaned her money for the car, just recently flew to New York with her, and takes her to expensive dinners. When we dated she told me they were friends and I "sorta" believe her, but now that were not an item she rebounded to him and thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread.
Why do I feel so bad! I should be jumping for joy that my feelings about us not working are validated when she makes ridiculous decisions like this, but I just don't feel that way.. I feel horrible, like someone kicked me in the stomach. I don't know if I'd feel any better if he was her age, good looking, and had some of my qualities, I can just see right through him and her and I know she is with him cause he is a lawyer and she is so above his level looks wise that he will do anything for her.
I can't stop thinking about it...
