Okay here's the deal. My ex and I had a relationship for 4 and a half years. We parted because she was very insecure with drinking issues. A former girlfriend of mine contacted her and made out I was cheating on her which I wasn't. But she believed it and basically our relationship broke down. We have a son who is now five.

Anyway we stayed friends for two years, still slept together and hung out. Then we had the main break. She took a BF she met on face Book who lives 200 miles away. They got serious and I found out she was planning on taking our son with her to live with this new guy. They got engaged. I took her to court, mainly as my son was settled and has other siblings he is close to and all his support network. Well anyway she got engaged and I was happy for her to go but for our son to remain here. She drinks constantly and is unstable at times.

Well since August last year she has mad sexual advances and many times we have ended up in bed together. She claims her BF, whilst a wonderful guy, is useless at most things including sex. Maybe another line she pun me. But what the hell is she doing? I have told her to sort herself out, but for some reason I feel sorry for her despite all the pain she has caused. Now she fears I will tell her BF about her cheating with me. I don't want to but Im thinking this guy would be in bits if he knew what she was up to. Apparently she told me his ex did it to him when she joined the army.
Anyway I have told her to sort herself out and leave me alone. She says she is confused and still loves me. Man I want to kick her butt though we have our son in the middle. I am taking care of him more and more due to her emotional state. She says she has had long enough to know if it was just being used to me why she can't physically connect with this guy and says he isn't "manly" enough. He is a good looking guy. So would appreciate from girls on here why she isn't with him fully and coming back to me for strength, chemistry (she says the click exists with me but not him much) and the sex!

Advice on what she wants from me? I leave her alone but she keeps calling and wanting me to go round when her fiancé is in his town.
Yeah she wants her cake and eat it. But why she throing all this at me and doing it?

Because you allow it. That simple. She knows you will let her have her cake, and eat it too. The rest is just an excuse. Lets be clear, your helping her cheat on this guy, and allowing her to cross some boundaries of good behavior.

Maybe he is a rebound, I don't know and its not the point. Your actions are, so quit sleeping with her. Do you want her back, or what? Be honest with yourself.

What are you doing man? Don't sleep with her. She sounds very confused, it's like she likes a bit of the other guy and a bit of you. This is not good. Not healthy at all. Tell her you don't want to play games. Confusion=Low interest. Don't allow these games to continue. You must stop this or it's only going to get worse.

Tell her to make up her mind.

First of all, I love this posting title. It's a classic:
"Why does my Ex girlfriend still ask to sleep with me when she is engaged to another?"

(It was enough to get me out of semi-retirement.)


Next, she does it because she is not a healthy person and you my friend are an enabler. She owns you because your brain has decided she is the only one that can make you feel good. She ain't.

WALK. ASAP. Or you are more F---d up than her...

The next girl is out there but you got to detox 6-9 months away from this madness... or she'll take you down with her.
Hang in there. NEVER trade your soul for sex... Life has more to offer you buddy if you just... let it.

Take care of that child. She can visit if she wants... but there's a reason you are apart... let it be.

She does this because you allow it, don't pick up when she calls. Only be there for your son, that's your number one concern right now. Or if do want her back, then she has to choose, work on your relationship(with counseling) or she stays with him and the sex and late night calls STOP!

Maybe your advantage of the situation too because if you didn't want to sleep with her and you knows she is engage( regardless how far her fiancé lives)-- you could've said no. I am sure she didn't put a gun to your head or force you to sleep with her.

Also, you stated she is always drunk and unstable at times-- this too might explain her ways. Does she be drinking when she wants to sleep you? If so and you do, what does this say about yourself?

In the end, she is cheating and your enabling her to do so. So the question is "why are you sleeping with your ex when you knows she is engage? Think about it before you answer. I don't want to hear "she", I want to hear " I do it because _________."

Thanks for the insight everyone.

Okay I must admit I myself have feelings for her. We've been off and on for 7 years. I left her alone when she said she had this new guy and she would ring me and tell me how great he was... well after just smiling and letting her get on with it I concentrated on our son we have. Eventually after a couple of months with this guy she comes back and starts "hitting" on me. Yes at first I said a straight "no"... but I kind of felt sorry for her and she used to call me up and I eventually relented and we ended up sleeping together.

You are right. It was "I" who continued this. Now she has managed to resurface some "old emotions" I once felt. She says she is confused. Constantly tells me and her family "I'm strong and there for her". Well guess it is because I allow it. But she is on her own as her family sort of dismiss her to a degree.

As for the sex yes, I'm guilty as she is. So I hold my hands up to that. She cries I'm pushing her away, yet I have hammered home lots of times "You want your cake and eat it or you want the best of both worlds." I've told her I will never love her again or get back with her, but if Im honest she has as stated rekindled some old emotions and Im afraid they are growing. Her BF suspects something. It isn't fair on him, as much as myself or her.

But thanks for the insight. Weird, when I dismiss her she comes running back... why do some girls do that?

Oh forgot... no she isn't always drunk when the sleeping together happened... But she spurts out most things when she is a bit drunk... don't they say a drunken man/woman speaks the truth?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by craigz1999

Oh forgot...no she isnt always drunk when the sleeping together happened...But she spurts out most things when she is a bit drunk...don't they say a drunken man/woman speaks the truth?

---

The problem with this is (and the quote is "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts") that when you are drunk, or the more drunk you get, the more the truth is distorted... your version of reality is a bit different when you are drunk, so you may speak the truth, or say how you feel, but it is usually a dumbed down version of the reality you are actually considering.

You should be focusing on what's in the best interest of your son right now.

She's cheating on her fiancé. She says she has better sex with you? So when she gets married, then what? She's going to continue this affair with you?

She is extremely emotionally unstable. You've got to put a stop to this.

Focus on your son.

Thanks. She will hopefully now leave me alone and I will have the strength I had before to move on and concentrate on my son. But its hard when she rings up sobbing and threatening to jump out windows and stuff. It's a cry for help. She's started arguing with her BF too... even being as y as making references to me in many things. She is unstable. And has for many years. Even counselling never seemed to sort her out. I just feel responsible somehow, even though it isn't my fault how she is. But I guess I am fuelling it. She says she hasn't got over me. I have a hold on her. She says my family are her family (I have kids from a previous relationship).
I told her she made her bed and she is responsible for lying on it now. Im not second best though I feel as though Im allowing myself to be that way.
But thanks everyone again.

Just piling on the advice already given.

You don't get to call her weak and then sleep with a person you claim is weak without being called out yourself. She sleeps with you because you let her. You choose this.

Don't ask why "women" do this. It isn't gender specific. A man or woman can have their head up their arse and sleep with another whose head is likewise, well, you know... men do this. Women do this. It isn't about "women"...

"i have feelings for her". That's fine. Understandable. Reasonable.

Still, you control when your pants drop and when they don't... you don't get to sleep with an unstable person and then complain because they are unstable.

Its like taking gifts from a rich lover and then complaining that they are trying to buy you, when you keep taking the gifts.

She is in a bad place. You are a little better off, but using her so that you can displace your bad actions on her bad behavior.

Your child deserves more than this.

So... you don't get to stay with her (sleeping with her) and complain. You choose this or you choose to not be around it... its still your choice.

Own it.

Threads merged and edited.




Last week I told her its over. To leave me alone and only contact me about our son. She can't have her cake and eat it, though she says it isn't like that and swears on our sons life. I said you don't love me. She says "how the hell do you know that?" Now she's confusing me. After ending it she calls up again and again. She was constantly crying, sending "No Doubt's song Don't Speak"... saying she can't bear to lose me... yet here she is engaged to another.

I know you guys will say she is emotionally unstable. Ive been strong and walked away, despite my heart mending then being opened up again towards her.

Just what is the real deal here? Girls, any comments?

How do I save myself, her and our son. I must state he has been kept away from any emotional instability and protected.
Thanks all.

Oh forgot to mention Ive not been that manly by allowing this to happen I know... I had a choice... but emotionally I was sucked in and logic, and admit it we all been there at some point, went out the window. So I hold my hands up I was weak also...

I just want to know why she is doing and saying all this to me? I just want closure if there is such a thing and some questions answered. She can't as she is so confused and I'm being pulled down too.
Help! Please...

Well this sounds very bad...

The question is after the break-up have you moved on??


I think you need a break, you need time to think without her always around to emotionally weaken you


How about changing your phone number? Take a break dear, no contacts with her and then think what exactly do you want

I feel she's just trying use both of you...

Try this, tell her that if she really wants you she must give up her drinking habits all together

If she does it may be she's really wanting you back

Thanks. I'm pretty sure she's playing me to a degree. That's why I've cut her off for good. She can't have two and I won't allow it. Besides, she needs to get help for her depression and drinking. She is very unstable, including ringing me up threatening suicide etc. I just don't know why she makes out her Bf is so great at first (was this to get at me, she says it was) and now she feels if Im in the BG to pick her up if things go wrong. I'm not second best and won't stand for it either. So time to be a man and kick her into touch I think and stop letting her get to me and my heart. Our son is priority and she needs to sort herself out.

Why don't you try and get your son's custody now that she's so emotionally unstable. Did you ever tried to take her to some counselor or to a rehab center??

Oh boy. What a lady! I have to admit that she sounds like my mom (addict also, pills) and your situation reminds me of my dad.

I'm not going to beat on you for giving in and having your moments of weakness. She must be quite good at lying if she is able to convince the court that a bunch of lies are true.

Also my own experience with addicts is that they get pretty good at cheating the system and wrap people around their pinky; controlling every thing.

On that note if she is a drunk, it isn't good for your son to be in her custody, I'm guessing that you know this already (from what the OP says)... have you saved all the messages she has sent you, are their any 'evidence' of her instability there?

It seems that your best bet is to try to get custody of your son, and seeing as you do have a kid together it is going to be hard for you to get rid of her completely.

As for her calls and messages, you should continue to ignore them.

This is how I interpret her behavior:

The relationship with you was falling apart, she doesn't want or know how to be alone,

She jumps into a relationship with someone, prob the first and the best (she met on Facebook? I mean how serious can that be?) When it isn't working out as well as she hoped... she comes running back to you. She knows you, she knows what strings to pull and what buttons to push. And there you are in a real big mess. With a kid stuck in the middle.

If I were you I wouldn't believe a thing she says. (I say this from what I gathered from you post. She can't be trusted, and she is most likely only thinking about herself, and looking out for her interests and nobody else's... that includes you, the new BF and your son.

As for saving yourself, her and your son:

Well you can't save her, you can only save yourself... if she doesn't want help for her drinking issues then no amount of forced help is going to work. (some people might disagree with this... but my experience is that if the addict doesn't want help, then rehab etc is not going to work. I know a lady, a mother of 3, who were forced by her husband to go to rehab... she lied her way through it! [and yes I grew up in a messed up neighborhood, where all the moms are pill-poppers!)

You need to find strategies for how to deal with her and STICK with them.

What about an intervention for her? Does her parents/siblings/friends know about these problems? If not it mkight be time to let them know and get them involved, that way if they see the extent of it... then you might be able to help your son at least!

Best of luck!

Roxy

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by roxypox

On that note if she is a drunk, it isn't good for your son to be in her custody, i'm guessing that you know this already (from what the OP says).... have you saved all the messages she has sent you, are their any 'evidence' of her instability there?

It seems that your best bet is to try to get custody of your son, and seeing as you do have a kid together it is gonna be hard for you to get rid of her completely.

As for her calls and messages, you should continue to ignore them.

---

Roxypox is right, its time you take some solid action against her and take it soon, you don't want to ruin your child's life because of that woman do you??

You know Ive tried speaking to her mom but her mom just "brushes it to one side". I'm pretty much alone on this. She swears she isn't lying or being manipulative. But she is. I know it despite her denials. She freaks if I dare say I would mention all this to her BF, her cheating etc but that is just me stooping to a level I do not want to go, despite me leading it on so to speak.

I guess she doesn't love me. She just like the previous poster stated "knows what strings to pull". So I don't know if it's the old saying "you don't know what you had till its gone" or what? Maybe she sees it partly that way... maybe it's a game.

I am protecting my son as much as possible. There is limited evidence, most is hearsay. But is that the right way? She says I would destroy her if the courts or solicitors knew about her cheating on her BF and her suicidal attempts. Even her mom suggested hospitalisation for her.

I have to stand firm on this. I do care a lot about her. I am the type of guy that doesn't want to see anyone "fall" but her falling is dragging me down with her and I fear I am losing myself respect a little. This just isn't me but 7 years is a long time and we've been through a lot.
Anyway thanks everyone.

You cannot drown yourself to save a drowning man...



Well I feel there is nothing wrong if you tell her BF about her and what all she's doing

I think that a lot RJS... but where would that get me? That would surely just push her further over the edge with her drinking? They tend to use stuff like that as an excuse to do so. Plus Ive hurt this guy enough without him knowing, as much as she has (even more obviously)...

I could understand what your saying but something need to be done to ensure that your child is being taken care of and you already stated she is unstable.

Was she a drunk while you was dating her? You need to try to get your son by battling it out in court.

Also, you don't need to start a new thread when it's regarding your same issue because it confusing readers.

You can't keep asking"what is wrong with my ex, why does she do this and that, etc". You played a role in this too because if you knew she was unstable, a drunk, and had a boyfriend why did you continue to sleep with her? I am pretty sure that half of the time she calls you or the two of you slept together she was drunk or at least impaired.

Your ex does counselling, AA in order to become stable and doesn't need a child right now. You need to step up and get him because he shouldn't have to suffer.

But don't you think keeping that guy in dark is not a good thing?

I mean in this way this girl will have an edge over both of you...

If she wants to drink she'll drink excuse or no excuse


Do you get my point??

I slept with her because I obviously still love her... and believed her.

She isn't drunk all the time when this happens. Far from it. So she either has feelings for me and says she is confused about it all and being truthful, or its some weird and sick game Im playing also which I am doing my best to put a stop to.

She has been binge drinking since she was 15... she is now 31... she has had psycho dynamic counseling, the lot. GP (Doctor) has medical files relating to her drinking and she is undergoing tests now as her health and weight has deteriorated, with court battle over our son and her relationship issues and drinking...

Im not asking for solutions. Im asking for constructive feedback. Ive admitted my faults in all this.

I see your point RJS... as always there are two sides to a coin in everything... its a double edged sword so to speak...

But if she really loves you or has feelings for you why is she still with her boyfriend??

Why doesn't she break her engagement and come back fully to you??

What's stopping her from doing that??


Why does she want both of you??


You say she was not happy with you so you parted, now she's not happy with him so why isn't she splitting from him??

I see that point and asked her the same... she keeps saying she is but hasn't LOL... so I know where you are coming from... seems all deceit and lies to me...

Then what are you doing about it apart from posting in AMHD??

I'm after opinions from everyone... what's yours?

I've already told you, if she loves you ask her to leave her boyfriend and come back to you also ask her to give up her drinking habits

Be strong and serious when you demand this and don't take any excuses for an answer, if she loves she'll be ready to change

She says yes you accept her and forgive her

But if she says no or tries to wriggle out of it then my dear its time to end this show...

I think your best course of action is to save yourself, to save your son. That will take a court battle, and custody fight.

What results is more than better than living in limbo now, with her playing everyone, and hurting your son through her bad behavior, and addiction.

This also calls for you to step up, and do the right thing for your son in the long run, and stop sleeping with her.

Its not an easy path to take, but the one that's necessary, and only requires a commitment to you, by you, and the best interest of your son, and that's the most important point in this mess.

Doing nothing, helps no one, and continues the cycle of bad behavior, and manipulation.

She will either get with the program, or fall by the wayside through her own devices, but your son will have a chance at a healthy, happy life.

So will you.

Thanks so much everyone. This has helped.

Sometimes you can't fix what's broken.

You can only find something to replace it.

If you dropped a china vase from 100 feet no one would expect you to make it look like new with krazy glue... for your child's sake make a life plan without her - and encourage her to finish a substance abuse program if she wants to see more of him.

Thanks Ash123... I appreciate that. The problem I also have is the courts are more or less granting her move to be with her new BF... Im scared to death of what would happen to my son. My legal position is pretty screwed. However the courts do not know about her latest tests for health, mental state and the fact she is deceiving her current BF.

What would your position be on this? Do I lower myself and destroy this man's life and hope it stops her moving ( even though she swears she isn't her solicitors state otherwise) or leave my son in the mercy of her and her new partner?

This is all so messed up.

Worry about custody, and screw what she does, who cares!!

How can she have an upper hand if she's cheating you as well as her boyfriend and is also an alcoholic and also not mentally stable??

Look, clearly all parties (including you) are not saints in this, but the main thing is to prepare a stable environment asap for the child.

That is all that matters. Whatever you have to do to get custody - and sleeping with her does not help you - needs to be done... whether it pisses anyone off or not.

A LOT of people post on here that had tough childhoods and it leads to tough relationships and to tough lives. That's what's at stake.

As far as the legals, I cannot advise you. Talk to a lawyer.

Considering I am the girl being discussed in this forum I think it only fair I have a chance to say something as well. For the record, I have no problem admitting to suffering from depression and turning to alcohol as a form of self medicating when things have been really bad. However I have not ever endangered my son or drank whilst with him. The comments here are assuming I am some raving alcoholic who's child should be taken from her through the courts. The thing that mr Craig1999 fails to give details about is that indeed we have been going through a custody problem in the family courts, and after a complete cafcass report stating that he is a controlling and manipulative man the judge has recommended he withdraw any application of residency for my son. This was backed up by reports from women's aid who I had to seek help from because of the domestic violence he put me through. And may I point out that I have just registered on here today as craig kindly sent this link to my new boyfriend via Facebook to split us up, or I wouldn't even know it was here. This is not because he wanted advice! Its because he has used it as a platform to further destroy my relationship. So thank you everybody who has judged me before knowing any facts, especially about my son. People really are too quick to hand out advice at times.

Also thank you to those people who seemed to pick up on the fact that craig is against women in general and doesn't take responsibility for anything he does. Just attacks and blames me for everything. Its no wonder I want a friggin drink. He did it to his ex as well, took her through the courts and took her 2 years to get her kids back. He was charged with battery against her too. Funny how that's not mentioned yet he's quick to call me unstable. I would find it amazing that anyone could remain stable under such duress to be quite honest. Yes I may sound angry and I am damn angry, that a whole forum is calling me things based on such ridiculousness. I am sure he is gloating right now that I have even responded. If I was seeking genuine advice I wouldn't use the people that offer it as porns in a game.