Entire story merged

There's something that's been bothering me for sometime which subsequently led me to dump my boyfriend.

My boyfriend (now ex) of just a couple of months still lets his ex stay in his apartment. He let me know from the start and understands how I (and all other monogamous women) felt but didn't do anything until I flipped and made him realize how hurt and disrespectful it was for me. His excuse was that they were together for like 10 years, but they grew apart and no longer had 'relations'. He said she understands the situation but she still loves him and he feels guilty of treating her badly for years (somehow their relationship wasn't conventionally committed and he admitted having other gfs before me while she was still there). My first reaction was quite strong and somewhat aggressive. I thought (and told him) it's bull. She has her own place if it's over then she should move out. But he prefers to give her time and not having to know he's bringing in new girlfriend. He said she's already started packing, he sees boxes.

Our (he and I) relationship, though short-term, was quite intense. And his reason makes sense, how could he spend that much time with me if they're still together, I mean nights and weekends at my place and his holiday house. His friends know about me. So the first time I decided to dump him, he convinced me not to.

But a month had passed and she was still there, and I wasn't allowed to set foot there still. So I dumped him for good this time.

He was always extremely nice to me and I believe he was honest most of the time, otherwise he wouldn't have told me about his ex, his past affair with a married woman, and his past experiences with hookers.

Anyway, I've already moved to another country, blocked all communication channels with him. I'm not in love with him (there's a bit of feelings left of course) so you guys don't have to support/confirm my decision, it was already done and I won't change my mind.

The real question is: IS IT POSSIBLE that he didn't lie to me and really let his ex stay although they're really over? He's turning 50 this year and I'm much younger, so I don't know, maybe that generation has that kind of thing us young folks can't understand?

Just trying to make sense of all this so that I won't be beating myself up for being either stupid or paranoid.

He may have been telling you the truth, but to bring someone into this mess of a ex-relationship, was not the best way to go about it.

You did the right thing, as there is seldom a good ending, in such a muddy situation, so you removed yourself, and left him to carry his own baggage, and clean up his own mess.

That's not paranoid, or stupid, but its smart you put yourself first, and dealt with it decisively.

I'm currently on an LD break. It's a bit confusing now because I'm not 100% sure my boyfriend (or ex) got the message that I wanted to break up so that neither side wouldn't have to hang on the false hope.

I know most of the 'breaks' end in eventual breakups anyway. But can a break actually be good thing for a relationship? I know we have a break for a reason. The reason being that we rushed things a bit too fast. And now that we've spent some time apart with NC and all, I got time to think what the problems were, and how we should've slowed down.

Well, I guess this break does slow things down.

I've hurt my bf/ex for initiating the break (intended for a breakup), but not that we're heartbroken or anything. We still have good feelings for each other, but not so strong yet, since we were just dating (on the verge of becoming exclusively committed).

So, by learning a lesson from the past not trying to commit too fast, you think it's a good idea we get back together and take things slower?

See how you feel after you have had a lot more time to think. What if he has taken it as being over, and has someone else? No telling how he feels so don't assume, just wait and see what happens next. Focus on what's in front of you where you are.

There is no hurry for any decision now.

I'm now in a long distance relationship with an older guy/foreigner, we've been dating for 6 months now. We had arguments in the past but things are starting to get much better now and I want to try to make it work.

Thing is I've been traveling/moving a lot, as in many different countries/continents for the past decade, long distance isn't my best friend, normally things started to cool off and fade away, and that's because I never stayed in one place long enough to be very 'serious'.

I guess the question I want to ask is how do I (we) make it work this time around? What is the right balance? (I know each relationship is different and there's no 'rule', but I mean in general, as to what most people do). I think we should make extra effort for long distance, so in my pov me and my boyfriend should talk everyday, if we can't because we're both busy, we can just text at least.

The problem here is that my boyfriend is always busy (he's interested in many things as I know by living with him for a while), there's a 5 hour difference, and I feel that he's not making enough effort as I am... he told me to keep cool/calm, not to worry because he always thinks of me and loves me etc. but I don't know I just have this feeling that it's not enough. We had our problems in the past, I know, it's not a good sign to start arguing when things are still new, and I actually tried to break it off several times... but right now it's been much much better, I already let go of all past problems, I don't desire to break up just to protect myself because every time I wanted to I felt worse than staying in the relationship, and I don't even know what I'd actually protect myself from anyway, I've already hit rock bottom when I was younger with an ex. And maybe our age difference is a problem to out miscommunication too, he's older and might not want to be so tied up to feel secure as younger people like me do? All my friends have told me I'm acting more mature than my age, but I might be just a kid to him. My friends also told me I can be a bit too confident, demanding and aggressive at times, so is my demand to 'talk' everyday too demanding? Am I being a bit too clingy/demanding when I don't even intend to be that way? I'm also monogamous and I've made it clear to him that I don't do infidelity/open relationship thing. Am I too demanding?

I wish I could make a nicely wrapped up documentary for all of you to analyse, but it's impossible for you to analyse accurately as you don't know our relationship. So if you can share your point of view and experience, it'd be great. It's my first 'real' long distance and I just want to 'try' to make it work. We've been apart for 3 weeks now, and as I just started my new job, I can't get holidays any time soon. We're looking at Christmas/NY, but he said he'd try to visit me in Sept or August.

Thank you so much!!

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Maybe this site can help you, as I know long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain.

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Originally Posted by Hathor

I'm now in a long distance relationship with an older guy/foreigner, we've been dating for 6 months now. We had arguments in the past but things are starting to get much better now and I want to try to make it work.

Thing is I've been traveling/moving a lot, as in many different countries/continents for the past decade, long distance isn't my best friend, normally things started to cool off and fade away, and that's because I never stayed in one place long enough to be very 'serious'.

I guess the question I want to ask is how do I (we) make it work this time around? What is the right balance? (I know each relationship is different and there's no 'rule', but I mean in general, as to what most people do). I think we should make extra effort for long distance, so in my pov me and my bf should talk everyday, if we can't because we're both busy, we can just text at least.

The problem here is that my bf is always busy (he's interested in many things as I know by living with him for a while), there's a 5 hour difference, and I feel that he's not making enough effort as I am...he told me to keep cool/calm, not to worry because he always thinks of me and loves me etc. but I don't know I just have this feeling that it's not enough. We had our problems in the past, I know, it's not a good sign to start arguing when things are still new, and I actually tried to break it off several times...but right now it's been much much better, I already let go of all past problems, I don't desire to break up just to protect myself because everytime I wanted to I felt worse than staying in the relationship, and I don't even know what I'd actually protect myself from anyway, I've already hit rock bottom when I was younger with an ex. And maybe our age difference is a problem to out miscommunication too, he's older and might not want to be so tied up to feel secure as younger people like me do? All my friends have told me I'm acting more mature than my age, but I might be just a kid to him. My friends also told me I can be a bit too confident, demanding and aggressive at times, so is my demand to 'talk' everyday too demanding? Am I being a bit too clingy/demanding when I don't even intend to be that way? I'm also monogamous and I've made it clear to him that I don't do infidelity/open relationship thing. Am I too demanding?

I wish I could make a nicely wrapped up documentary for all of you to analyse, but it's impossible for you to analyse accurately as you don't know our relationship. So if you can share your point of view and experience, it'd be great. It's my first 'real' long distance and I just want to 'try' to make it work. We've been apart for 3 weeks now, and as I just started my new job, I can't get holidays any time soon. We're looking at Christmas/NY, but he said he'd try to visit me in Sept or August.

Thank you so much!!!

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Well, you've got two strikes against you: The distance and the age difference, both of which can easily lead people to separate. Maybe you should also include cultural disparities, since you and he come from different countries, and you have what appears to be a difference in the need for emotional "touch" while you are apart.

You don't sound demanding or clingy, but your expectations are different from his. When you tried to break up in the past and felt worse, was that a sign that you belonged with him, or that you were caught in an illusion? You mention problems; what kind?

In my experience, making a relationship work with these characteristics and unanswered questions in place is hard unless you have some emotional superglue to bind you to each other. Aside from wanting to connect, what interests, functions, philosophies, and beliefs do you share?

What future do you envision? Is it shared?

Tao

Thank you for your replies. Yes, I think you're right, we have different expectations. For me, disappearing for more than one day is a biggie, because LD is fragile in general, and especially in our case, with all the past arguments, I'd say that our relationship is fragile. For him, 3 days without talking is fine. I already talked to him about my expectations and I saw him try (like waking up to a nice good morning sunshine, I think of you sms), but it's not him. He told me he hates talking on the phone and prefers skype and sms. He likes sms, but not too often (as in 1 per day maximum), he said he doesn't want to be a slave to the phone. I don't want to push him to do things he doesn't want either, but seriously, we're continents apart!

Future together? Well, I think I've got myself involved with a type A commitment phobic. He's in his late 40's (I'm in my late 20's), never married, no kids, but several exes along the way, 2 of them were 'serious' ones he was living with for like a decade (each). Our past problems concern his stalking ex who would never leave him/us alone because apparently he was her first, and the only one, and he's too caught up with the 10 years together and her being so loyal to him to push her away. I'm not a jealous person, but in this case, it's crazy not to be, and it was driving me mad and I really don't like myself that way (a crazy jealous gf), but now he's tried much harder (like turning off his mobile completely, disappearing from the places they would bump into each other for months etc.), well, I've seen his efforts and we've stopped arguing about that. I guess I'm just too tired to handle thinking about her any longer, so I've completely let it go.

But now that we've been continents apart, old insecurities somehow come back.

I know, dating a commitment phobic usually doesn't end well, but I don't think I should be protecting myself from getting hurt in the future by breaking it off right now. Sooner or later, it hurts the same for me. And although I'm not so much in love with him, it still hurts because of our shared history, and because I'm in a situation that I cannot connect to many people (having moved back to my hometown after 8 years), and I don't want to lose him when I don't have anyone else. Is this bad?

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Originally Posted by Hathor

Thank you for your replies. Yes, I think you're right, we have different expectations. For me, disappearing for more than one day is a biggie, because LD is fragile in general, and especially in our case, with all the past arguments, I'd say that our relationship is fragile. For him, 3 days without talking is fine. I already talked to him about my expectations and I saw him try (like waking up to a nice good morning sunshine, I think of you sms), but it's not him. He told me he hates talking on the phone and prefers skype and sms. He likes sms, but not too often (as in 1 per day maximum), he said he doesn't wanna be a slave to the phone. I don't wanna push him to do things he doesn't want either, but seriously, we're continents apart!!

Future together? Well, I think I've got myself involved with a type A commitment phobic. He's in his late 40's (I'm in my late 20's), never married, no kids, but several exes along the way, 2 of them were 'serious' ones he was living with for like a decade (each). Our past problems concern his stalking ex who would never leave him/us alone because apparently he was her first, and the only one, and he's too caught up with the 10 years together and her being so loyal to him to push her away. I'm not a jealous person, but in this case, it's crazy not to be, and it was driving me mad and I really don't like myself that way (a crazy jealous gf), but now he's tried much harder (like turning off his mobile completely, disappearing from the places they would bump into each other for months etc.), well, I've seen his efforts and we've stopped arguing about that. I guess I'm just too tired to handle thinking about her any longer, so I've completely let it go.

But now that we've been continents apart, old insecurities somehow come back.

I know, dating a commitment phobic usually doesn't end well, but I don't think I should be protecting myself from getting hurt in the future by breaking it off right now. Sooner or later, it hurts the same for me. And although I'm not so much in love with him, it still hurts because of our shared history, and because I'm in a situation that I cannot connect to many people (having moved back to my hometown after 8 years), and I don't wanna lose him when I don't have anyone else. Is this bad?

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It depends on how you see yourself and what you want to become. Your situation with him is not great; you realize that you are not so much in love with him; and you are holding on because returning home, you find it hard to connect with many people. So, he's a place-holder while you figure yourself out. Whatever you do, you will grow in some direction as a result of how you navigate this moment and how you deal with this relationship. What do you want that to be?

If you focus on the emotions that are driving your thinking and behavior, what comes up for you? My guess is fear. You also mentioned insecurities. There is a certain amount of loneliness. If you face reality and do the right thing, to where will that bring you? Alone? Self-sustaining? Free? Is it time for you to be more self-sustaining?

Considering his side, and from your descriptions he is comfortable, what is fair to him?

You've got some noodling to do. Think things through. Reveal yourself to yourself.

Tao

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I don't wanna lose him when I don't have anyone else. Is this bad?

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Yes it is bad, as you prevent yourself from breaking with the past and finding your happiness in the future.

Don't be afraid of being alone, that's a great way to learn about yourself and what you can become, and accomplish for yourself.

Don't deprive yourself of that opportunity.

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Originally Posted by Hathor

The problem here is that my bf is always busy (he's interested in many things as I know by living with him for a while), there's a 5 hour difference, and I feel that he's not making enough effort as I am...

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My 2 cents from personal experience with long distance relationhsip:
It does not matter if there is long distance, 5 or 12 hours difference, either he is the busiest doctor/lawyer/FBI agent/CEO/US president whatsoever (he he he), you will get enough from him if he loves you. He will always find the way if you are his top priority.

Your relationhsip is not going well. Let him cool off/slow down by himself with his interests. Why do you want to tie yourself up with this person?? No way. Gain some confidence for yourself. Being a single is the golden opportunity to meet someone perfect for you. (I said "PERFECT person" not "NOT SO BAD person")
Gain confidence, free yourself from the pointless relationship, and find someone else who is crazy about you. You will be cherished, and appreciated by the RIGHT PERSON. Do not settle down with less ever. People will love & respect you as much you love & respect yourself.

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Originally Posted by winding200

my 2 cents from personal experience with long distance relationhsip:
It does not matter if there is long distance, 5 or 12 hours difference, either he is the busiest doctor/lawyer/FBI agent/CEO/US president whatsoever (he he he), you will get enough from him if he loves you. He will always find the way if you are his top priority.

Your relationhsip is not going well. Let him cool off/slow down by himself with his interests. Why do you want to tie yourself up with this person???? No way. Gain some confidence for yourself. Being a single is the golden opportunity to meet someone perfect for you. (I said "PERFECT person" not "NOT SO BAD person")
Gain confidence, free yourself from the pointless relationship, and find someone else who is crazy about you. You will be cherished, and appreciated by the RIGHT PERSON. Do not settle down with less ever. People will love & respect you as much you love & respect yourself.

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Thank you. I agree with you to some extent, Winding. I think a lot of people these days (mostly, in my opinion, Americans... no offence whatsoever, but all the American media, writings, people that I've come across, and the 'He's not that into you' concept all set the standard a bit too high/unrealistic for Americans and the rest of the world) might just be too quick to judge and end things.

I'm Asian (with Australian and European education) and my boyfriend is European and he's been telling me that my personality/mentality is most likely American in the way that I judge things in black and white. I disagree. I think it's just a matter of perspectives/different upbringings. Me, I think my boyfriend is too liberal. And that's why we've had problems, miscommunication.

But it's getting much better now. I talked it out with him, I mean I told him every single thing that bothered me and how we would go from here. It was quite straightforward. He's now understood what I was trying to say all these months (finally!). I asked him if he wanted to be committed to me and he said yes. We're now having daily communication.

It's not that I'm just lonely, I do love him from time to time. Maybe it's a different kind of love. I used to have a very strong infatuation/caring for my ex, and I was depressed for one whole year after the breakup, now the 'strong' feeling is totally gone. This time I had no infatuation at the beginning, but all the love/infatuation/passion/caring/appreciation starts to grow.

If you don't mind me asking another question on here (I was thinking about creating a new forum, but since it's the same situation). Long distance relationships require strong trust, which I'm trying and getting better. I still have a bit of insecurity left in terms of the ex, since I'm far away, but he and his ex are in the same town and all (even though he promised me to get her out of his life completely). My question is, I will never know if he's cheating on me (since I'm now far away), but if it's true, is it possible for him to come visit me for a month without (the hypothetic) her knowing? And if he's an a-hole who just wants sex from me, why all the long distance phone calls (without sex of course)? What could he possibly gain from cheating on me while trying to be more committed? All these insecurities don't have so much ground, right? Then I should try to stop being insecure and paranoid, right?

Thank you so much!!

I think you need to seriously take a look at how committed you are to being in a serious relationship. You say you only love him sometimes? I assume that you have no interest in anyone else, but staying with him just because you think you cannot find someone better is ridiculous. You need to decide what you are okay with and what you aren't. If he sees his ex, are you OK with that to some degree, or absolutely not? If not, then you have limits. You need to stop fearing if he's going to cheat on you and have a little trust. If you don't think that's possible then you need to move on with your life. You obviously like your job and he seems to like his, or one of you would have moved closer. Age gaps and distance can be overcome with effort, but it can't be you making an effort, him saying he will, then going back to doing his own thing, or you for that matter. Having no trust and being constantly insecure and living in fear is simply no way to live your life.


Do you love him enough to trust him? Decide that first. Then go from there.

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Long distance relationships require strong trust, which I'm trying and getting better. I still have a bit of insecurity left in terms of the ex, since I'm far away, but he and his ex are in the same town and all (even though he promised me to get her out of his life completely).

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All you have is his word, and your faith in his word. But there is always your fears, and insecurities, which are not facts, but feelings. Without facts, don't get carried away with the feelings.

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My question is, I will never know if he's cheating on me (since I'm now far away), but if it's true, is it possible for him to come visit me for a month without (the hypothetic) her knowing?

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I doubt that seriously, as she will know, just by him being absent.

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And if he's an a-hole who just wants sex from me, why all the long distance phone calls (without sex of course)?

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Think like a guy for a minute, he has the attention of an ex, which he admits is still in his life, but working on changing that(?), and he has you, his electronic potential partner. Fact- he still has feelings for his ex, who is available, and he has you, who is not.

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What could he possibly gain from cheating on me while trying to be more committed?

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That's so simple, he's has his needs met, and you will never know, while he explores your potentials.

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All these insecurities don't have so much ground, right? Then I should try to stop being insecure and paranoid, right?

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Yes you should work on your fears, and insecurities, but not to the point you stop protecting yourself.

Talaniman Rule- Never get involved with someone who is still getting over an ex! That makes you a rebound.

Especially in your case, where the distance is so great, the relationship is so new, and your expectations are so high with a stranger.

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Originally Posted by Chey5782

I think you need to seriously take a look at how committed you are to being in a serious relationship. You say you only love him sometimes? I assume that you have no interest in anyone else, but staying with him just because you think you cannot find someone better is ridiculous. You need to decide what you are okay with and what you aren't. If he sees his ex, are you ok with that to some degree, or absolutely not? If not, then you have limits. You need to stop fearing if hes going to cheat on you and have a little trust. If you don't think that's possible then you need to move on with your life. You obviously like your job and he seems to like his, or one of you would have moved closer. Age gaps and distance can be overcome with effort, but it can't be you making an effort, him saying he will, then going back to doing his own thing, or you for that matter. Having no trust and being constantly insecure and living in fear is simply no way to live your life.


Do you love him enough to trust him? Decide that first. Then go from there.

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Thanks, but I think you misunderstood me and my insecurity in some ways. First of all, I'm a very confident person (even too much sometimes in my friends' opinion), with my looks, education, work, background etc. so I definitely do not stay with my boyfriend just because I cannot find anyone better. THAT is actually ridiculous. The insecurity is actually for the long distance relationship, which I think is more vulnerable than a normal one, not for myself.

In regards of trust, yes, I admit I have a problem (esp with the past problems). And I totally agree with you, trust comes first. But I was just trying to think in a logical way, I mean I do not trust people blindly without thinking about details... I mean, I know I'm supposed to just 'know' by the ways he talks and looks at me if he's really being loving, caring, faithful and committed... but sometimes it's not that easy, don't you think so? Like how weird behaviour makes you suspicious... like for example, we just talked 2 hours ago and he cut it short (er) to go to the dinner he was invited with some friends I don't know... I know I just have to trust him because I will never ever know the fact anyway... I was just trying to make sense out of him being more understanding and committed to me after our 'talk', I mean it doesn't make sense and I'm just driving myself crazy to suspect infidelity, right? I mean he's talking to me everyday (without sex) and he's coming over to see me, so, logically, I should trust him based on this fact, right?

To answer your question about his ex, no, I'm absolutely not OK that they stay in touch because she will try to find some ways to get back into his life (and his apartment!! She still has the key). She's been doing this for 2 years now (long before I met my bf)... she's been leaving her stuff in his apartment and coming back and leaving exactly as she wishes... I know because he told me, he had a 'talk' with her (with his best friend as a witness... and I know him too) 2 years ago to end their relationship and leave his apartment, she actually left at that time, but came back again, and left again, and came back... like a vicious circle that never ends... now that she 'left', she still left her stuff there and still possesses the key... and my boyfriend let her do all that because apparently, she's a kind-hearted person who is so unfortunate in her life (being a housekeeper and all), and she was a virgin when she met him (when she was 30), and never has anyone else since. Me, I'm a TV news anchor/uni lecturer, and absolutely not a virgin when I met him, so maybe he feels he needs to protect her feelings when I don't need protection because I'm stronger?? That's ridiculous in my opinion, and the cause of our problems in the past... but now, he never picks up her phone again, and hasn't been to the places they might bump into each other for months.

I'm not normally a jealous type, and I hate to be that kind of insecure jealous girlfriend. So do you think my demand that he cut her off completely is too demanding/controlling? I just don't trust her.

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It's not that I'm just lonely, I do love him from time to time. Maybe it's a different kind of love. I used to have a very strong infatuation/caring for my ex, and I was depressed for one whole year after the breakup, now the 'strong' feeling is totally gone. This time I had no infatuation at the beginning, but all the love/infatuation/passion/caring/appreciation starts to grow.

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I seriously doubt you can make a reasonable judgment to your feelings, given the time, distance, and level of knowledge you have with this stranger.

You can only ask questions and fill in the blanks of what you don't know. That's not getting facts, nor is it realistic to have expectations on just "growing feelings" when he is not there.

Long distance relationship are hard for committed couples, and for strangers..? A lot harder.

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I mean he's talking to me everyday (without sex) and he's coming over to see me, so, logically, I should trust him based on this fact, right?

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Don't take interest for a firm commitment, and despite the words, all you have is an interest.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I seriously doubt you can make a reasonable judgment to your feelings, given the time, distance, and level of knowledge you have with this stranger.

You can only ask questions and fill in the blanks of what you don't know. Thats not getting facts, nor is it realistic to have expectations on just "growing feelings" when he is not there.

Long distance relationship are hard for committed couples, and for strangers.............???? A lot harder.

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We actually lived together before when I was in his country, working. Now that my working contract ended and I got a new job offer back at home, we've been apart for 3 weeks now. Yes, the relationship's less than a year, but I wouldn't say he's a stranger. I've met his friends and his parents as well. We used to work at the same place so I know everything about his job, we shared colleagues as well.

What made you say he's just a stranger? Duration? Distance? But now we're talking everyday. We know each other's life/career dreams in details.

I'm a cynical person (contrast to those girls who see the world in pink when they're in love), but I want to stop being cynical, I want to be realistic and logically optimistic. I told my boyfriend that long distance is hard and asked him if he wanted to try together, being serious and committed. He said yes, it's hard, but not too hard, and he keeps saying about how he will do his best to ask his boss for holiday to come visit me in October.

There's also a possibility that I'll get some good jobs that I like, in my field, in his country, perhaps in a year or two (the deadline for the next one is in this December and I'll definitely apply, it's my dream job anyway). I'm a career-oriented woman so there's no way I'll live there with him without a job (of my dream). As for him, he's older and it'd very much harder for him to get a good job in my country.

I'm not being disillusioned by mentioning the future, just that I don't think our relationship is doomed because we're working in different continents.

As you're an expert, is the information I'm providing you enough to say that I should be trusting him and our relationship more? That at least I can be realistically hopeful that we'll survive (for the time being)?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I seriously doubt you can make a reasonable judgment to your feelings, given the time, distance, and level of knowledge you have with this stranger.

You can only ask questions and fill in the blanks of what you don't know. Thats not getting facts, nor is it realistic to have expectations on just "growing feelings" when he is not there.

Long distance relationship are hard for committed couples, and for strangers.............???? A lot harder.


Don't take interest for a firm commitment, and despite the words, all you have is an interest.

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I would really appreciate your answer to my question as to why you thought my boyfriend is just a stranger to me. Is it just because of the duration? Are all 6 month-old bf/gf's just strangers?

My previous post wasn't meant to fight/resist your good advice, if that's the reason you're not answering. I really appreciate your insight. It's just that I really want to find the right balance to my relationship. I want to be neither blindly hopeful nor depressingly cynical. I just want to be realistic.

Thank you

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Originally Posted by Hathor

It's just that I really want to find the right balance to my relationship. I want to be neither blindly hopeful nor depressingly cynical. I just want to be realistic.

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That's a good place to aspire toward. I still suggest you get there through trust. You said you have trust issues, work on that first. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time.

Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner, But I have a question, after rereading your post. Why? Why do you think there is a chance this will work? Why do you want it to work?

You can't spend a lot of time together, so do you talk often? Where do you see this going? After the holidays(?) and late summer meeting, then what more distance? When will the distance stop, and you can build something face to face? Before you answer, please check out this site.

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Sorry, did I say a question?? LOL!

Great advice Chey and Thank you Talaniman; late reply is always better than none.
We've lived together before so the whole distance/dependence on internet thing doesn't mean that we don't know each other like those LD couples on the dating sites who never meet.
Actually I think the distance (for now at least) is actually perfect recipe to this particular relationship of ours. As I mentioned earlier, we used to have our arguments in the past when we were in the same country. Now apart, we don't have to drown ourselves in the same problems always. We talk about different things, what's happening in our life, our countries, how was our day, etc. We've started using the L word (and be sincere about it) everyday when we talk on skype. We use webcam and we normally talk for at least an hour daily. We use sms to inform each other when to be online.
Where do I see this LD relationship going? Well, for one thing we can never really tell the future, right? Even in normal same-town relationships , even with the most stable couple (in outsiders' opinion) alive, people break up all the time, decades of marriage, having kids and all. On a practical level though, it's always been my dream to work for international organizations either in NY or Europe (like UN Geneva, where we met). The UN job is extremely competitive, so there's nothing available for me at this stage; and since I got the TV anchor job back at home in Thailand and as my Europe visa also expired, I've got no choice but to come back, which, in a way, I'm very glad to be doing this job. As for him, he's older and there's much less chance for him to find a job in my country; so the chances are that, he will continue living in Geneva. As for me, I'm younger, with great education/work background, it's easier (as far as the crisis allows me to get some jobs) for me to try 'again' for the international organization thingy in Europe. UNESCO Paris is opening for junior professionals this December, so that's my goal. Paris and Geneva, that's still much better than Bangkok and Geneva. Also, as I've been in the English-language media field for a while, I can also get into the Swiss media as well. So the point is I've always planned (since teenage years) to work professionally in Europe . So I guess we can just be LD for a year, seeing how things turn out.
As for the 'growing love' part, as I'm still in my twenties (however late that is), I'm still a sucker for romantic-comedy/chivalry stuff and my boyfriend is thus not at all my type…his older age, his cynicism turns me off, and is actually the main cause why we had arguments in the past…we misunderstood each other. He misunderstood me for being very strong, demanding, adventurous and a bit promiscuous (as I've traveled the world, and neither a virgin nor submissive like many other Asian gals…), while I misunderstood him for wanting to be some sort of sugar daddy (he's not that much older, but old enough to be considered a sugar daddy if he wants to be). As time went by, we're tuning into each other. We've actually learned much more about each other being LD. Actually, with my age and experience, I've never experienced this kind of feeling before, I mean having the feeling growing slowly like this. Before, when I was dating guys closer to my own age (like 3 year difference maximum), I fell in love quickly for my 'prince charming', how they're cute boys and all that…but the feeling (of infatuation) faded away quickly as well. But this time, it's the reverse, it's like love growing out of appreciation after knowing each other better…of course love is extremely subjective/relative, and there're many different layers/levels to it, so when I said I'm not totally totally in love with him, it means that I'm neither blindly infatuated nor simply using him to fill in my loneliness (well, actually to a small extent, but aren't we all? Since love is a mixture of different feelings, in my opinion anyway).
Sorry for such a long post, but do you think I'm on the right track of finding my 'balance'?

What did you think of the sight I provided? It lays out pretty much the ways to best approach a LDR. One of the main points to consider, the goals of you both, and how you define your relationship. One of the pitfalls is the trust issue due to the feelings brought about by the distance, and how you cope with them.

Sometimes when absence makes the heart grow fonder, we get carried away by that feeling, and sometimes build a fantasy world with high unrealistic expectations, or worse, we are blinded to things we need to see.

All in all, any relationships has risks and rewards, but the ultimate factor is are the partners willing to work together, through honest communications to resolve their issues, to the benefit of you both. If you can do that, and find happiness, through interaction, then it can work.

But even if all things are done, and it doesn't, well that's the risk we take. Sorry there are no magic formulas, just a lot of hard work, and constantly adjusting, and coping to whatever life throws at you. That's what life is about, growing, learning, coping, and adjusting and through all that doing what makes you happy.

Can this work, sure it can, but only time will tell you if it will make you happy. So if you have the time to find out, go for it. If not, do something else.

My only concern is can you cope with what you will continue to learn about your partner, and can he do the same, as 6 months is such a very short time to really know a complex human that well, or that thoroughly. Have fun finding out, and then making a good decision how to proceed.

A month ago my boyfriend confessed to me that he lied about sleeping with his ex during our previous 'break' just to test my reaction and my jealousy level... The thing is when my boyfriend told me this 'lie' I was just so appalled by it... cos that ex disappeared for like 10 years now... he had another long-term girlfriend of 10 years before me... so I'd been having this nasty idea/images in my head that they were some sort of long-term f#ck buddies, which drove me even farther away from my boyfriend (after that fight and break of ours)... He told me the truth that he lied because I pushed him with specific questions like who called whom first etc... That was why he decided to tell me the truth... and how he was applying the idea of his best friend that they (the guys) should push us (the gfs) to our limits to see the 'real' us and what are they getting themselves into...

Just today, after I told him I saw some old dude negotiated with the hookers and how it disgusted me (in non-religious way, just that I think guys who 'pay' are pathetic and how the hookers are all ugly and anorexic in this country). I asked him (frankly, out of curiosity, without an intention to pick a fight) why he did it in Amsterdam and Thailand, long before he met me, like 10 years ago or so... he told me today he didn't, just wanted to see my reaction... he said he never 'pays' in his life...

The ex thing was a bit far-fetched so I believe him, but the hooker thing, I don't know. The issue isn't about the 'sex' thing (especially when it's all in the past, nothing to do with me), but about honesty... I feel like I'll never know whatever he says is actually true... and trust is a very important thing in the relationship... do you think his 'lies' are acceptable?

No, his lies aren't acceptable. And if he thinks he's "testing" you to see the "real you" he's very foolish. What he really needs to be considering is the real you when he's not testing or provoking you in any way. That's how he'll really get to know someone. I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound like a healthy situation.

If he were my husband I then would say in that case

Size does matter!
No you are not the best lover!
No it doesn't happen to everyone!
You are the only man for me!

Then I would say, do you think I'm lying or telling the truth.


Since he likes playing games... a little taste of his own medicine. Since prostitutes have been an issue I would suggest you both get tested for aids and any other std.

I really believe this speaks more to your insecurities, and fears, than whether he is honest or not. It really doesn't matter if he lies or not if you don't trust him to begin with. Especially if it leads to more questions about the same thing (past sex life). There is no proof of his lies any way, unless he comes clean, and for whatever reason he isn't honest with you, find out why. Maybe he doesn't trust your reaction to the truth about himself that happen long ago.

I think it's a bad idea to dwell on what happened, before the two of you got together.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by danielnoahsmommy

If he were my husband I then would say in that case

size does matter!
no you are not the best lover!
no it doesn't happen to everyone!
you are the only man for me!

Then I would say, do you think I'm lying or telling the truth.


Since he likes playing games...a little taste of his own medicine. since prostitutes have been an issue I would suggest you both get tested for aids and any other std.

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Do two wrongs make a right? No, it just perpetuates the problem. She needs to find someone else who doesn't play childish games. When SHE plays them, she's stooping down to his level . What good comes from that?
However, I do agree with the blood test.

Well in a relationship trust is very important. I may be young but I know some really neat things! I think you should confront him about it and tell him what you are thinking about you trusting what he say's! You should not hold to that trust issue any longer! If he doesn't understand or get's mad I'm sure you will work it out! But just remember tell him before it's too late! I hope the for and your relationship!

I agree that she needs to find someone else that doesn't play games but reversing things back on the other as DanielNoahsmom said does work sometimes to get others to realize how their behavior is doing more harm than good.

''Testing'' somebody shows me that they do not know how to have a good healthy relationship and they are treating you like some sort of puppet on a string and not considering or respecting your feelings.
True love does not test by lying
I'd dump him.

Ummm, you're testing him too. I dated a girl that judged me very harshly for past indiscretions and flings. It made me wish I had never told her. If you can't provide a safe place for him to be his honest self, this is what you will deal with. He'll bait you to see your reaction in order to rewrite his own history accordingly. I'm afraid you started it. This same girl also tested my faithfulness far too often. I eventually grew tired of it and ended the relationship. Her true colors came out and she was far nastier, far more promiscuous and far more devious than I ever was. Lesson learned.

You won't meet a priest turned lover specially constructed for you. Your obsession with his past has empowered him to use it any way he sees fit. Either stop caring or move on.

I've been in an LDR for 2 months (we started dating the beginning of this year and I moved back home in March, before going back to visit him twice in May and June - so it's been 2 months now since June). We have plans for him to visit me at the end of September and perhaps NY, and again in either March or April. We have had rocky patches in the past but things were going great lately before I started to think to myself these past few days... what am I doing with this guy? Bad memories (past arguments) resurfaced and I'm not sure I'll be able to keep this up until next year. I'm very confused right now. He's commitmentphobic (or perhaps never met the right person) because he's now 50, never married, but has had a couple of long-term live-in girlfriends... one of them moved back to her country and he didn't have an intention to follow her there. Now, we started talking about him getting a job here in my country (which is of course, hard)... and although he's been traveling the world, he's never really left his country long-term. He basically lives his whole life there. So, that means he's committed to me now right? I've been overworking and exhausted and started to lose patience, but I still love him, or at least love his voice and face on the webcam chat and flashes of memory when we were physically together. Any advice?

I can understand you not being happy, or satisfied with this LDR, because it seems to be going no where. So far you have been in limbo wondering what comes next and if you will get to the next level with this fellow. That has to be confusing. At some point you will need more from him, but for now you both need to talk and define what the future holds in concrete terms and not just wishful thinking.

At some point actions must match the words, or it just won't work.

He was the one who said he would try to get a job here in my country. And when I asked him if it's really OK for him leaving his friends and family just to be with me; he said living here could be nice (he's been to my country several times already long before we met). But his expertise is in cars and photocopiers, mechanical stuff, and he can't speak the language, so we don't know what he can do here.

I do agree with both of you, we need to have serious talks. But he's a laid-back kind of guy and sometimes when I want to talk serious he thinks I'm just being demanding and pushy. I'm not clingy or pushy but I'm a person who needs to be clear on everything. I don't want to have doubts. I've struggled to communicate with him on the level that I want (being clear on everything) but I think it might be a bit harsh to call it quit just because of it because he has his own way of thinking about me and us without expressing it... to me.

I'm in an LDR with a guy who will come see me in just a couple of days... and I was so excited about that... all seemed rosy but there were these past fights popping over in my head and I'm not sure I even want him to come anymore.

I've been struggling to get over the past because my boyfriend is really a good guy. He always does things "my" way and I've been told (by everyone in my life who knows me well) that I'm a demanding person... I'm Asian and my boyfriend is European and he told me occasionally that I'm so American for being like "you have to do this you cannot do that, otherwise...etc".

But anyway, the past "agony" is hard to get over. The thing is when we started dating, he already broke up with his ex but still let her stay in his apartment, sleeping on his couch in the living room. At that time we didn't do LD but I was in his country for a short specific period due to my work contract... we didn't think we would become serious... so at first I couldn't just demand him to kick her out... but then when we became serious she was still there (not all the time, some nights she would be at her own place for some weird insane reason). I know that since we've been together he hasn't cheated on me because we were always together, we even worked together. But this manipulative (and perhaps insane ex) kept coming back and my boyfriend couldn't do anything about it. My boyfriend said he couldn't kick her out because they were together for 10 years (I have never been in a relationship that long myself) and for us it's been like 9 months now. He affirmed repeatedly that they didn't even talk for a year (despite living under the same roof) because they have totally different work schedule, let alone having sex. He confirmed repeatedly that I'm the only one since we met. It's just that this lady (an uneducated housekeeper as opposed to me a Master holder uni lecturer, I know that's not the point, but I just hate her so much), she's 40 and never had any relationship before she met my boyfriend, even now he's her only one... and he went on and on about how she has a good heart, the type that she can die for everyone in the world (I mean, c'mon, BS, a nice gal will never try to steal an ex back and hurt a new girlfriend like me). He said he's never really in love with her but he just feels sorry for a person like her and he just feels compassion blah blah. And for the past 10 years, he had a few other gfs besides her because they couldn't communicate well (due to her limited education and traditional upbringing) so he feels too guilty for cheating on her many times to just kick her out like that (but what about my feeling).

That insane woman kept leaving and coming back a few times before she returned my bf's apartment key a few months ago. It's been months yet, but I'll never trust that manipulative woman since they're in the same country and I'm not. I'm not a jealous person, he can have as many female friends he likes. But obviously his ex doesn't think of him as a friend!!

He assured me repeatedly (this is the main cause of our fights) that she was always the one to call him and now she hasn't contacted for a few months... but I still hate her and am angry with my boyfriend so much I can't even concentrate on the good part of our relationship.

The reason why it affects me so much is that he was the one who offered that I could move into his apartment, but that never happens because she was always there, and now I come back to my hometown. He caused me to change my plan to come back home instead of staying there for a while because she was still there!! I went back to visit him once and he took me to his holiday house because suddenly (after leaving) she decided to come back again!!

How can I stop thinking about this and just moving on, the rest of this relationship was so good except this bit that's been eating me alive!!

If he wanted to move on his life with you then he would put stop to the relationship with his ex. If he uses the excuse that he just can't kick her out because he was with her for ten years then he is obviously still carrying a flame for her, otherwise he would just get rid of her - she isn't his responsibility anymore, yet he keeps making excuses for it.

Save yourself the agony and move on while you still have our dignity.

Now in LDR we talk for an hour everyday (despite both of us being extremely busy with work). He will come visit me for a month this coming weekend. We even started talking about him moving permanently to be with me (not just occasional visits)... He never thought about moving to be with his other ex(s) before... so it def gets serious. Things seem so good now, but suddenly the whole past conversation about how he couldn't kick her out to spare her feelings just make me cry. They def broke up because most nights he was with me... and he even pushed his ex to marry his friend... but the past pain, I even think about not going to the airport to pick him up.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pixiegurl

If he wanted to move on his life with you then he would put stop to the relationship with his ex. If he uses the excuse that he just can't kick her out because he was with her for ten years then he is obviously still carrying a flame for her, otherwise he would just get rid of her - she isn't his responsibility anymore, yet he keeps making excuses for it.

Save yourself the agony and move on while you still have our dignity.

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Thanks pixie, but the point is that everything is in the past now. His ex returned the apartment key in his mailbox and she stopped calling him for 3 months now. Everything is over. But the problem is me, I can't get over the past pain. It's kind of too late to just pick a fight with him and break up over this because it's in the past. I should've done that 9 months ago.

Referring to my long question How can I get over the past? I have an urge of not picking my boyfriend at the airport after 16 Hours plus flights to see me... he has my address but there can be a confusion/misunderstanding. A big part of me wants to see him hurt by what he's done to me, while another part really wants to let go of my past anger and should just be happy to see him.

Has there been any case you've heard of that a significant other in LDR didn't come pick the other up and that person has no idea how to reach you? My boyfriend has already booked the flight and now I'm plotting my revenge, either just stand him up or pick him up but punch him in the stomach later.

You are confused and unable to reach a decision because you are not ready in your own mind to define who you are or what you want. Listen to I wish, as he points out you have a lot of growing and learning about yourself to do at this point in your life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You are confused and unable to reach a decision because you are not ready in your own mind to define who you are or what you want. Listen to I wish, as he points out you have a lot of growing and learning about yourself to do at this point in your life.

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Wow, now I feel like an idiot with all threads are merged like that. But thanks anyway though. It makes me see things a bit clearer, in a bigger picture. I started the thread about depression because it was what I felt at that time and I did hope that I would be helped here, which I was somewhat. But it doesn't mean I'm delusional, deranged, etc. I do feel a lot of pressure in life in general though, as a perfectionist. And now I'm having 2 full-time jobs, as TV anchor and uni professor. I really can't afford to "lose my face" talking about my innermost feelings with people I already know. So I just hope I won't be judged by strangers on the internet.

I'm confused about certain things, yes, but I don't think I have a lot of growing and learning to do. I'm the young one in this messed up relationship, yes, but I do think my much older boyfriend is the one who seriously needs to grow up. He lied to me about having sex with prostitutes in the past and his other ex while we had a break. I found out later that it was all lies and he just wanted to test my reaction. He cannot let go of his long-term ex and subsequently damage our new and supposedly fresh relationship. I'm confused because he's a great guy, but the whole ex package thing is too much to handle. I'm not a jealous person. I'm not the kind of insecure girlfriend who keeps chasing after and disrupting her boyfriend every time he talks to a female. I think talking to an ex, esp long term one, is acceptable, but when that ex becomes stubbornly delusional and never leaves and gets upset when he has someone new, that's extremely fishy. As I said, it's not about jealousy, but about doing the right thing (monogamy/fidelity) and my own pride. I know for sure that they're not an item and I didn't steal him for her. But the point is that the way he refuses to hurt her when he's willing to hurt me is unacceptable.

The problem right now is that I'm unable to let go of the bad past. I was able to let all those bad feelings go for a while. Things seemed great, much better between us. That ex def left for good because she already returned the key, I saw that. But all the past pain and misunderstand came flooding back, and now I'm not so sure anymore.

You're right, this relationship is messed up from the start (but at that time I was alone in a foreign country so I thought I would give it a try). But as time passes, I love him, and he loves me. He said that all the time now that he knows he hurt me before... and I can see it from his eyes as well. Now he's coming over to visit me and planning to live here with me for good, provided that he's got a good job.

I'm not confused about who I am. But yes, I'm confused and torn between these feelings, continue to love him and do my best to let go of the past problems... or have a revenge on him so that I can have a closure and he learns the lesson.

Your constructive input would be greatly appreciated.