Edited for understanding

Hi people!
I'm new to this site and in desperate need of advice!
Basically me and my ex fiancée of 4 years broke up 2 months ago due to an argument which I started. I regretted ending things with him and tried to make things up because we were going to get married and move in together this year. But understandably he had none of it and always had his mobile off and would text me once a week. This went on for weeks! Then about a month ago he became more open and told me that he did miss me and still loved me, I would receive texts saying 'i drove past your house today' and 'i was near your work earlier' last week on the Tuesday he asked if I wanted to go out for a drive with him on the Friday if I wanted too. (we hadn't seen each other since the row) I jumped at the chance and said yes! I didn't hear from him after that and on the Friday after work I contacted him but his mobile was off... all evening, the next morning I asked why he didn't come and he said it was because he realized how unhappy he was, :confused: I gave it some thought and said well if your unhappy if you like we can go away for a weekend whenever you want to... He didn't reply.
By now I had kind of had enough and on Sunday night sent him a text saying that if he wasn't really serious about me then not to contact me and if he didn't contact me I would understand and I would change my number at the end of the week. Tuesday I get a message out of the blue saying 'that weekend away sounds a good idea' and today he was been texting me nearly all day about what he has been up to and stuff and saying he keeps really thinking about that weekend away and putting kisses at the end of all his messages.
I'm really confused because on the one hand he is starting to talk to me again but on the other hand he didn't go through with his idea of seeing me.

That must have been some kind of argument, and he still may have been spooked by your actions, or still upset over it.

Since you started it, he may be letting you stew in your own juice, so you'll think long, and hard about repeating that behavior.

This is why when your in a heated argument it is best to remove yourself from it because your end up saying something your going regret. This is why some relationship ends because one person decided it was over while they were arguing.

However, it seems like this guy is taking advance of the situation by sending mixed signals. Today he wants to work it out but today he pulls away and the day after that he's unsure and the patterns continue. The question is how long are you going let the pattern continue.

Either he wants to give it a go or he doesn't. Don't let him play with your emotions. The two of you are even going work out your differences by working out what your need to and that starts from talking things out in mature matter by putting everything out on the table.

I would stop texting/calling for a while and if anything give him time to work things out while you do the same. And the two of you need to cut the chase but from what you wrote he sounds like he wants to be with you but is making you work hard for him. But this is just game playing to me because if I want to play games I will play my wII or xbox.

Merged and edited

My ex has been texting me today about stuff he has been up to, and we were having quite a laugh, and then he asked if I still loved him, and I replied, yes, and he told me he loved me too then we just carried on talking about other random stuff, then after a while he just didn't reply, and still hasn't, I don't want to come across as pushy, and ask him if he wants to go back out with me, because its taken ages to get to this stage and I don't want to blow things, I want to drop subtle hints to get him thinking, but don't know what to say!
Any suggestions are much appreciated, Thanks :)

"I still love you, you still love me, let's get back together." That's what you should say. That is unless you had an unchanging reason for breaking up in the first place. Other than that, never let worry or fear rule your life.

-Mouse

My first question is why is he your ex? That has a huge bearing on whether you should consider getting back together with him.

It was me that ended it and realised the old saying 'you don't no what you've got till its gone'

What made you end it? Are you saying you just woke up one day and decided, "It's over"?

He may be cautious about reconciling with you since you hurt him the first time around. Believe it or not, guys have feelings. As much as they try to pretend they don't, they get hurt too.

How long were you together? How long have you been broken up?

It was a silly argument that I blew out of proportion, (stupid me) we were together just over 4 years and engaged for 2 of those years and we have been apart for just over 2 months

Quote:

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Originally Posted by EnglishRose2232

it was a silly arguement that i blew out of proportion, (stupid me) we were 2gether just over 4 years and engaged for 2 of those years n we have been apart for just over 2 months

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Based on this info, it's understandable that he doesn't want to dive back in head first. He may need some time to decide if he wants to try with you again. Yes, he still can still have feelings for you but not necessarily want to be back in a relationship with you. He may want to see what else is out there.

Probably not what you wanted to hear but he just may need some time to sort things out and see if it'd be different this time around before risking being hurt again. You can step up and make the first move by putting your feelings out there and asking him if he'd consider having a relationship with you again. Who says you have to wait on him to initiate things?

I will ask him later to consider a relationship. Then il give him space to dwell on it, at least then he knows its what I want, thank you nikosmom!

Sure, let us know how it goes, good luck

I will! Thanks

Hmm... since you were the one to break it off, he must be quite hurt, and worried about getting back with you again if you leave again... its like once bitten twice shy... but you guys have been together for a long time, and its obvious he still loves you and seems like you love him too, so take it slow, give him time... and let him know he can trust you again... good luck :)

Well, I asked him if he would consider a relationship with me and he said yes, I said that if he did I wanted to do it face to face. Haven't heard from him for a couple of days now so presume he is thinking about it, fingers crossed! :-)

Good Luck, English! Keep us posted!

I think I've messed up! He contacted me and was explaining that the only thing that he would find hard is the fact we were engaged because I said about being girlfriend/boyfriend. Later on I text saying we could get back as being engaged if he wanted. I didn't hear back from him for 3 days and today I woke up in a bad mood, saw he still hadn't contacted me and text him saying 'well what's going on then?' no reply so later today I text saying that I wanted a bloke that actually wanted to be with me and basically had a rant at him because he isn't contacted me. Still isn't heard from him but regret what I said! I don't want to contact him anymore because I don't want to make things worse. I'm so hacked off and sad that I might have ruined things!

He seems confuse because if you reflect on his actions you would see in get in touch with you, makes plans, then back off by not contacting you only to get back in touch with you.

I think you did jump the gun too fast by bringing up getting engage.

It time for you to move on unless you want to continue on waiting for him to decide what he wants.

UPDATE: well he contacted yesterday morning and asked if I wanted to go back to how things were and I said yes and he was saying how things should be different this time round, I asked him out right if we were back together and he said yes we were, I was a little unsure so I said is it for real? And he said it was and asked why I was asking that question so I told him, been trying 2 contact him 2 arrange to meet but his mobile is off, which I think is abit strange and not sure why because he only started turning his mobile off when we split up, before that he ALWAYS had it on. I think we could be making progress though

Well you can't worry about what he did or didn't do while you were split up. In order to make progress you both will have to move forward and not look back- he can't bring up that you broke it off the first time and you can't nag him about his phone being turned off. Those things are in the past and you should focus on the future.

Good luck!

Is it just me, or am I missing something? After 4 years the expectations, and communications, would seem to be at a point where you both are more open, and honest about your feelings, and future plans.

He may be stuck in a comfort zone, and doesn't want to advance, but after reading this again, I would have sworn you two just met.

Personally, I am starting to think you take way too much guff, just to keep him, and he is keeping a distance that unacceptable for a 4 year relationship. At least to me that is.

I can understand your frustrations, but am confused why you give so much, to get so little??

Sorry to be a downer but this speculative behaviour is more akin to teenagers dating for a month rather than an engaged couple considering getting married.

It must have been a really big argument that resulted in you breaking up after 4 years on the verge of marriage. Although, from the sounds of it I'm not so sure it was?

Lol... T-man! I wrote this minutes after your post and so I did not see what you had written. Essentially your point is what I was trying to say:)

He still hasn't conacted me so I've basically told him to sort himself out, if he decides he wants me he knows where I am but I'm not being treated like this anymore, its either all or nothing. Im not going to contact him until he decides, which will hopefully make him think! In the meantime in going to go have fun with my girlfriends!

OK bear with me, this is a long one!!
Me and my ex fiancée of 4 years broke up 7 months ago due 2 an argument that got blown out of proportion. There was a lot of drama (mostly from me!) and he ignored me for about a month.
Well 3 weeks ago he came and met me on a lunch break, we laughed and joked and got on really well, he told me that he was starting a music course and that he had moved to the next town but he didn't like it there much, after we shared a hug and he gave me several long kisses and said he missed me and didn't like living on his own. I text him later in the evening asking how he felt now he had seen me and he said he felt great and that lots of feelings were rushing back.
But since then he has not turned up for 2 arranged meetings, after the second I said I couldn't be treated like this anymore and left it at that, this Friday I received 12 text messages from him (I was not replying) asking if we could meet up as we were both off today. The last message he sent was saying he loved me. On Saturday morning at 8am! He starts up again and I receive a further 7 including one saying yet again 'i love u x' and another saying he wanted a relationship. I continued to ignore him until yesterday morning when I agreed. He said he had a doctors appointment at 3 today and he would pick me up after.
Well today he was round his mums house at 1 and asked me to come online to chat (he doesn't have the net at his house) he seemed sad and was saying that he missses not being back at home and misses being in this town and said the saying 'you don't know what you have got till its gone' is so true and that he was major homesick and that everything isn't what he thought it would be like, he even changed his display picture for afew minutes to a picture he had just taken of him looking angry/sad.
The last I heard from him was a text saying he might be abit late... its now 7pm so I can safely assume he isn't coming seeing how his appointment was at 3!
I don't understand why he hastled me for 2 days only not to show! I was clearly miffed and text him that I think it's a good idea if he doesn't contact me again.
But I don't know if that was the right thing to do, he is a very emotional person and not spiteful. I kind of wish I hadn't told him to basically go away as now I have calmed down I realise he does seem kind of sad, depressed even.
Why do you guys think he is behaving this way and what can I say to him?
Sorry this is so long!

Please keep all your questions regarding the same issue in the same thread, so that we can follow your story and give you appropriate answers.

The two of you need to stay away from each other to allow yourselves to heal. The more you see each other, the longer it will take for you to recover from this break up.

Leave each other alone so that you can move on with your lives.

Well I had a well thought our response prepared, but I missed the move.
So I will try to reprepare.

When you first broke up you said that you were the root cause of a lot of drama.
Now it is his turn because the reality is hitting him.

You have hurt all of the progress you made by returning to contact.
You broke up for a reason, return to NC so that you both have time to completely heal.
You are causing more damage by trying to piece this relationship back together.
You need more time apart.

You still love him, like the marriage happen, but you know you have issues on your behavior. He has feeling for you, but he is still hurt, and concerned about your behavior. I do not think NC will not repair the damage.

To cut the chase, I will suggest to have a sincere couple therapy. You can send a well written email to him and suggest to have a couple therapy for healthy relationship if he is ready for it. It will demonstrate your willingness and sincerity toward the relationship & your ex. If he is sincere, he will take it as a good sign, and happily participate. With the professional help, you guys can have emotional support as a couple, set up a ground rule for constructive argument for future, and most importantly have the closure of the damaged past. It will definitely help you guys work out together for future in constructive way. Professional counseling can cost a lot, but you can find some affordable counseling in church or community. If you go to the counseling session, keep your mind open, and take the criticism as remedy. It will be good for you. One good counseling can save you guys & future marriage. Isn't it worth it? Good luck!

Hey people, thought id give you an update as to what's been happening.
Well 2 days ago at my ex's request we met up and spent the day together. We had a heart to heart and he must have told me about 20 times that he loves me, he said he was so sorry for the way things have been and knows he was in the wrong, I was abit confused as all I kept thinking was the way he acted and now he was saying all this! He sensed my distance and kept asking if I was OK and holding my hand, then we both burst into tears!
He says that he wants to be near me and is thinking of moving back to the same town and eventually wants us to live together, he was so sincere in what he was saying and giving me lots of eye contact. He said he had big plans for us and later on said casually 'whens your birthday again?' (its in just under 2 weeks) We agreed to meet up again later in the week (tomorrow after he finishes college) and I text today just to confirm it was still OK to which he said it was. I still feel a little anxious as in my head I keep thinking he won't see me tomorrow. I also seem to be fighting with myself, one half of me believes what he says but there is the other half of me that's anxious in that he doesn't mean any of it (I told him this when I saw him to which he said 'i don't know what else to say to you to make you believe me, tell me what you want me to say to make you believe' and I said I didn't know. I guess I've just got to work through my emotions but its driving me mad!

After all this drama, I think you both come to an agreement to leave each other alone. And stick to it. You have not established the communications skills between you to make this work, so now its time to back away from each other for at least 6 months of STRICT No Contact.

Use the time to get your head together without his influence. I think your both holding on to something that ain't happening.

Your expectations are to high for him to ever meet, and he doesn't have a clue how to reassure you, or give you the constant attention your requiring from him.

Wow this is a tough one.

You couldn't be more clear to him about how you have been feeling, and what you want. He is playing a horrible game with you by arranging to meet, then not showing up. I think that is despicable.

The other side to it is, he is hurt because you were so quick to end a 4 year relationship and maybe wants you to pay for it.

The bottom line is, if you both want this to work, you both need to grow up. You can't keep chasing him if he doesn't know what he wants, and he needs to make it 100% clear whether he wants you or not. He can't keep you hanging on like this, it's unfair on you.