Hi. I cannot even believe I'm writing this and I don't know where to start. I just know that I have to tell someone because I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do. Please give me feedback.

First, let me give you a little background info: I am female, 29, and engaged.


Well a few nights ago, on St. Patrick's Day I went out with a friend of mine. She and I just wanted to go get some dinner and have a little green beer you know. On the way there she had called my fiance's friend (because it is her friend also) and had found out that he was at the same restaurant/bar. I have been told by people that he has said that he wished I was his girlfriend because he doesn't think my fiancé treats me as well as I deserve. Anyway, I have never seen this side of him. Only friendly. Besides this is my fiancés BEST Friend so that would never even be considered as an option.


Okay so she and I eat dinner and have a couple drinks. I not even seen the guy at this point as we are on the opposite side of the restaurant. But my friend goes over to say hi to him. She comes back and says that his ride left him and he wanted to know if we could drop him off on our way home. She said she told him yes cause it was on the way. (she was driving).


Okay so after dinner we decide to go up to the bar and have a few drinks. I do not drink much but I'm irish, its my holiday, I feel good, know a lot of people there, so I'm just enjoying myself. Although I can say that I do not remember saying anything more to this guy than hi and a how are you. After that I spent my night socializing with friends. Unfortunately, I end up getting quite drunk. It is suggested we leave the bar/restaurant and go to a club. I say OK. The rest of my night is really REALLY blurry but I remember being in the car going to the next place, being in there dancing with people (but not that guy-although I do remember him there standing by the wall). My friend then said that we went to another club. I was unaware of this as things were so foggy for me the next day. She also said on the way there that the guy had said that he needed to crash at one of our houses because he couldn't go home this late. She said she couldn't let him crash at her house because there was no room and I spoke up and said he could crash over at my house. I do slightly remember saying this. Please remember this is a guy I trusted. He was supposed to be in our wedding, the best man. Anyway, I do not at all remember the third club. I do not remember going home. I do not remember going in my house. I do not remember laying down. What I do remember is waking up to someone pulling my panties down around my knees and laying on top of me. I remember making an annoyed grunt and trying to turn away but being too exhausted then I passed back out. I did not wake again until my alarm clock went off.


I just don't know how I let this happen. All day at work the next day I kept having to go in the bathroom and cry. I feel so horrible. HORRIBLE. I don't know how to tell my fiancé. I think he will never talk to me again. I just don't know what to do. I can say that on a sober normal day I would NEVER NEVER NEVER HAVE allowed this to happen. I didn't want this. I didn't intend this. I feel like the guy plannned it... first the ride then the needing to crash. He knew I trusted him as a friend. I never thought he would try to f me. Especially when I'm pretty much passed out. It just feels so dirty and wrong and terrible. I don't know what to do. I'm going to lose the love of my life. My everything. Because of some jerk who will probably say I was drunk and flirty at the club and wanted it. I swear I am never drinking again. I just don't know what to do. If you want to be mean and tell me what a whore I am that's fine. I feel so absolutely horrible about this I deserve to be called every name in the book.

This is almost classified as rape... do you know if he had sex with you? This guy seemed to have taken advantage of you in a VERY vulnerable state. I am not sure what I would do if I were you, I do KNOW for a FACT that I would never, NEVER talk to this guy again... you may want to let your fiancé know what a loser and trashy guy his best man is.

I am sorry this happened to you, but I also doubt there is much you can do legally, as very little evidence will be available to the police. You do need to tell your fiancé, and try and be more careful in the future. What a slime-ball!

Listen to me; this is NOT your fault. You passed out before anything happened, so if it went further that's RAPE! Talk to your best friend and get the details from her. TELL your fiancé what you know then. I seriously think this could be rape you really need to investigate and tell your fiancé.

I do think this guy took advantage of you, and you do need to tell you fiancé, before his friend does. Tell him the god's to honest truth about what happened. That's all you can do, and hope he forgives you. Then you need to go to the cops and report this, it is rape. Spending the night because he's drunk isn't an excuse for him to f you.

First thing you have to do is get more facts. Talk to your best friend first.

If this guy really did rape you, he should not be your fiance's best friend. He definitely will be angry with you at first, so you'll have to be prepared for that. I don't want to give you too much false hope, but if your fiancé really did love you, he would see that his friend is at fault and he will forgive you eventually.

On a side note, at first, your fiancé might suspect that you have feelings for his friend. So make sure that you are very clear when you confront your fiancé. But like I said, before you confront him, make sure you have all the facts.

U think so? It's crazy because I'm the one left feeling humiliated and dirty and confused. I talked to my girl about the night and she said that he was talking about f'n me throughout the night but that I was flirting with him. She said I was flirting with everyone though. She also said when I wasn't paying any attention to him he had stated, "thats fine she can bring him home too and we'll both f her". I wish she would have looked out for me. She said she just figured he was trash talking and wouldn't do anything because of his best friend.

How can it be rape if I never said no. I feel like its my fault I keep playing it over and over asking myself why when I felt him pulling down my panties didn't I scream and yell and curse and fight. I just remember barely being able to move feeling exhaused and that was that. I just feel so horrible. I'm afraid telling my fiancé will put me over the edge. If he starts screaming and yelling and cursing and calling names. I just don't know if I can handle it. At the same time its like I feel so nasty and dirty and horrible I want somebody to knock me out. Ugh.

Sex is about consent. If you CANNOT give consent, then you cannot have sex, that is it, period. You were of no mental capacity to give consent.

Also, this guys sounds like a really sketchy character, and I don't care how much you "flirt" with someone, it doesn't give him the right to do that. Your fiancé deserves to know the truth, at the very least, just so he doesn't have friends like this around him anymore.

Yes he did f me that's what I meant by laying on top of me. I was laying on my stomach when I woke up and I felt him pulling my panties down and put it in that's when I made the grunt and passed back out.

Then yes that is rape. You were incoherent and unable to give consent to the other party. Just because you didn't say "no" doesn't mean you meant "yes" I just talked to my cousin who is a police officer of 5 years and he said this is a classic sign of rape. Most victims know their attacker and feel this way after the event because they feel that somehow they brought this on themselves.

It is rape, you weren't able to say no, but your condition said no. You were passed out.

Your girlfriend who heard him make all of those comments and knew you were so intoxicated was very irresponsible to just let him "crash" at your house. You need to file a rape charge against this person. He clearly isn't remorseful as he almost planned the whole night to take advantage of the situation.

Your only option and the right thing to do is to tell your fiancé EVERYTHING. If he yells and calls you names then he isn't much of a fiancé and I can't say he would make a very supportive husband. This is not your fault, but what you do now is the deciding factor, don't let this sleazeball win. What he did was wrong and rape.

Not to sound like a skeptic or anything, but if this guy can get away doing this to you, I wonder how many other girls he has done this with/will do this with?

Oh hon. I'm so sorry.

This was NOT your fault. This man raped you. That's the fact.

Like the others have said, if you do not give your consent to a guy and he takes advantage of you, then you were raped.

Please, please tell your fiancé. This man should never be allowed to get away with this. I'm sure your fiancé will support you and stand beside you.

If your fiancé continues a friendship with this guy after you are honest with him, I'd seriously consider the state of your relationship.

Please be honest with him. This was rape. And you were probably not the first...

I didn't even think this was rape. I have to say I would be really scared to ever press charges or go to the police. I don't think anyone would understand how I feel. I think they will all say I'm making excuses because I was drunk and did something I regret.

I don't know how women have the strength to report stuff like this. I feel so judged and stupid and like I'm the one everyone will blame. Plus he's friends with all my friends and I think I would lose everyone.

My main concern is making my fiancé understand that I love him more than anything in the world and I would die before ever making a choice to hurt him like this. I sometimes think I won't tell him but then I start thinking that that guy will still be with him all the time then and I would have to see him. I don't ever want to see him, hear his name, talk to him, nothing ever again in life. Plus I can't see my fiancé hanging out with him like that its just not right.

I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL OF YOUR ADVICE AND SUPPORT more than you know.

First thing you need to do is make an appointment to see your doctor. Get a complete check up. You don't know that this guy raped you or not but at least you will have peace of mind that he didn't infect you with anything. Secondly, whether he did have intercourse with you or not, you need to report it. If he did this to you he will do it to another. Make no mistake with a man like this. He knew full well what he was doing and if you try and ignore this he will be walking away basically laughing and you will be the one carrying this for the rest of your life. Take care of it and get on with your life with your fiance'

By you not reporting it, he is winning. Creeps like this get off on the thrill and making a woman feel this way because they think they won't report it because they will be judged. That's bogus, cops are extremely sympathetic to you when something like this happens. By not reporting it, you may allow another girl to have to endure such a tragic event.

Rape is an extremely under-reported crime because of fear of being judged. You have EVERY right to justice, and you deserve it. Police are there to help, period, and they cannot help without you coming forward. You owe it to yourself to do this. By not reporting it you are becoming another statistic for the MCI (major crimes index) and the amount of unknown victims there are.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bronxteacher80

i didnt even think this was rape. i have to say i would be really scared to ever press charges or go to the police. i dont think anyone would understand how i feel. i think they will all say im making excuses because i was drunk and did something i regret.

i dont know how women have the strength to report stuff like this. i feel so judged and stupid and like im the one everyone will blame. plus he's friends with all my friends and i think i would lose everyone.

my main concern is making my fiance understand that i love him more than anything in the world and i would die before ever making a choice to hurt him like this. i sometimes think i wont tell him but then i start thinking that that guy will still be with him all the time then and i would have to see him. i dont ever want to see him, hear his name, talk to him, nothing ever again in life. plus i can't see my fiance hanging out with him like that its just not right.

I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL OF YOUR ADVICE AND SUPPORT more than you know.

---

There are plenty of people out there who understand, there is also a support network if you choose to file charges, they would get you in touch with people who have been through what you are going through.

You would not lose everyone in your life and I can guarantee that if you don't press charges this will likely happen again and someone else will be going through what you are going through now. You owe this man NOTHING, as he gave you nothing in your vulnerable state and instead took advantage of the situation.

You will need some counseling to forgive yourself and possible would be a great idea after you talk to your fiancé that you attend some counseling together. I think you will find you fiancé supportive, but if you don't then you need to step back and think about why you would want to marry a partner for life, through the good times and the bad, if he can't support you right now in your time of need. Sometimes, it is when the going gets tough that your really know what your relationship is made of.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bronxteacher80

i didnt even think this was rape. i have to say i would be really scared to ever press charges or go to the police. i dont think anyone would understand how i feel. i think they will all say im making excuses because i was drunk and did something i regret.

---

You feel used and taken advantage of, but are embarrassed to tell anyone because you think they are going to judge you and say you were "in the wrong place at the wrong time," "were giving mixed signals," or that you just plain wanted it. I've been in a similar situation.

I was with a guy once, he and I were actually in a relationship. I didn't want to go "that far" with him yet, and told him so. I was wanting to wait for a while until we got to know each other more, he was wanting it asap. He pushed me. I said no. He continued to push. I gave in. Without wanting to, I gave in. Was that rape? I don't know.

But, I remember feeling so dirty, so used, so taken advantage of later on that I felt it was my fault, that I had given him mixed signals, that I really did want it, when in truth, I didn't. I didn't want to sleep with him - I wasn't ready.

It's not the same situation, but the feelings are still the same. In my case, I was in a relationship with this guy. You, my dear, were a casualty of his hormones. You were in a state where you couldn't resist, so he took advantage of you. He used you.

That is rape.

I never reported my "encounter" but I certainly wish I had. I wish I had the courage to stand up and say that I didn't want it, that I was forced, that I was used... but I didn't. It's something I carry with me to this day - I'm ashamed of it.

But I am more ashamed that I didn't stand up for myself and do something about this.

Please, for your own sanity and safety, do something about it. Tell your fiancé. Trust him to help you. He loves you and wants to keep you safe. Let him.

You were raped. Report it right away. Stop this creep from doing it again. You have just told your story to complete strangers and no one here is judging you. Why would the people who love you judge you?

I'm sorry that you have had to endure this. Tell your fiancé. If he is not supportive, then he is not the man you think he is.

Good luck.

To be completely honest, here are the current problems:

It has been days since the incident took place and you have no doubt taken numerous showers trying to rid yourself of the filth.

Unless you saved bedsheets, clothing, anything that might back up you story, this would come down to a your story (which isn't very clear because of alcohol) and his story (which will be that he went to sleep and you were dreaming) along with the friends comments about his comments earlier in the night, but she didn't believe that they had any truth to them.

Please take this the right way, but I don't think you stand much of a chance at this point with charging him with rape. But it is still beneficial to seek out counseling for both you and your fiancé.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jjwoodhull

You were raped. Report it right away. Stop this creep from doing it again. You have just told your story to complete strangers and no one here is judging you. Why would the people who love you judge you??
I'm sorry that you have had to endure this. Tell your fiance. If he is not supportive, then he is not the man you think he is.

Good luck.

---

As a police officer you learn that Rape is about the only crime that has a bigger mental impact on you than it does physical. This is the reason it is unreported, as you blame yourself and fear blame being placed on you by others. She is more afraid of others telling her it was her fault, and also afraid of people not believing her. There is a statistic out there (been awhile since I have studied this stuff) that I believe says 33% of all rapes are actually reported, it may even be lower... it just beats you down mentally, and sticks with you for a long time... even the OP has trouble coming to terms with the fact that she WAS raped...

WOAH, OK, let's tone DOWN on the raping part. Bronxteacher80, you have to take this one step at time. I'll summurize everyone's thoughts.

1) Go see a doctor to get checked out. Your health is the primary concern. I'm not sure how long ago this all was, consider the morning after pill?

2) From all the facts, you were intoxicated and clearly do not remember being raped. It seems pretty clear that it was rape, but it will be really difficult to prove with minimal evidence. If both of you admit that you were really drunk and can barely remember what happens that night, everything falls.

3) I think that it is more important that you learn from this experience and grow as a person. Everybody makes mistakes. We cannot put the entire blame on the guy. Yes, 85% it is the guy's fault, but 10% you could have drank more responsibly, 5% your friends should have been watching out for you.

4) Then comes your fiancé. You're going to have to confront him about it. Counselling is a good suggestion, but let's wait and see his reaction first and go from there.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I wish

WOAH, OK, let's tone DOWN on the raping part. Bronxteacher80, you have to take this one step at time. I'll summurize everyone's thoughts.

1) Go see a doctor to get checked out. Your health is the primary concern. I'm not sure how long ago this all was, consider the morning after pill?

2) From all the facts, you were intoxicated and clearly do not remember being raped. It seems pretty clear that it was rape, but it will be really difficult to prove with minimal evidence. If both of you admit that you were really drunk and can barely remember what happens that night, everything falls.

3) I think that it is more important that you learn from this experience and grow as a person. Everybody makes mistakes. We cannot put the entire blame on the guy. Yes, 85% it is the guy's fault, but 10% you could have drank more responsibly, 5% your friends should have been watching out for you.

4) Then comes your fiance. You're going to have to confront him about it. Counselling is a good suggestion, but let's wait and see his reaction first and go from there.

---

This is almost the point of why people don't report rape. Kind of like, "If you wouldn't have been wearing that dress to begin with, the guy would have never thought you were even attractive." The most important thing here is that this guy own up to what he did, one way or another. Her being drunk doesn't matter. She shouldn't have to watch how much she drinks just because some idiot feels the need to take advantage of her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kctiger

This is almost the point of why people don't report rape. Kind of like, "If you wouldn't have been wearing that dress to begin with, the guy would have never thought you were even attractive." The most important thing here is that this guy own up to what he did, one way or another. Her being drunk doesn't matter. She shouldn't have to watch how much she drinks just because some idiot feels the need to take advantage of her.

---

I agree with you. Rape is definitely an under-reported issue. But the problem is, most of the time it is very difficult to prove so people see no point. But... justice has to stand for something and I agree that this guy has to own up to his actions.

So Bronxteacher80, report the incident, we will all support you. But just be prepared to answer a lot of questions that require proof, which can also be fustrating.

I strongly believe that you should learn from your experience. This guy is not someone you and your fiancé should be friends with.

I'm siding with KC here, you can't blame her for this. No one should have to worry about how much they drink or what they wear around people because they might be inviting a predator. Taking away a persons rights to wear what he/she wants is wrong, and what he did was 100% WRONG

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I wish

3) I think that it is more important that you learn from this experience and grow as a person. Everybody makes mistakes. We cannot put the entire blame on the guy. Yes, 85% it is the guy's fault, but 10% you could have drank more responsibly, 5% your friends should have been watching out for you.

---

I'm not going to give you a reddie for this, but I STRONGLY disagree.

It is NEVER acceptable for any person (male or female) to take advantage of someone under the influence of alcohol. Ever. And that is what this man did.

It doesn't matter how she was dressed, how she acted, etc. etc. if she was not fully conscious and able to agree to sex, he took advantage of her, used her, and yes, raped her.

Under no circumstance should that be accepted.

People, I am strongly against the guy's actions. But we cannot blame 100% on 1 person. That is not the way it works. Getting hell drunk and being extremely vulnerable is not the way to go either.

I hate to play the devil's advocate, but did I miss some facts somewhere? What is the guy's side of the story? How intoxicated was he? Would he have raped her if he wasn't intoxicated? Any lawyer defending him will just tell him to tell the judge that he was too drunk to remember what happen and he's off the hook. The justice system sucks, but it's really really tough to prove this case.

There is a reason drinking is only permitted for people over the age of 21 in the United States. It is a highly toxic drink that prohibites you from thinking clearly.

The issue with rape being under reported is not one of proof. Too often do the victims think they are law enforcement agents, but they aren't. Let the cops do their jobs, and you, as a victim, do yours and report this awful crime. Rape isn't under reported for lack of proof, but for other things going on inside the victim's head.

I don't understand... do you think she was raped because she was drunk?

I was under the impression the entire point of turning 21 was so you could drink as much as you wanted as long as you were responsible. She had nothing to do with some guy removing her panties and raping her. Alcohol doesn't do that, it can't take your clothes off for you. That is 100% this guys doing...

Rape is a one way crime, per the definition. Had they committed a crime together, say, a robbery, or theft, then yes, she would absolutely be to blame. That isn't the case though. She was clearly raped. Are there things that she could have done to avoid this, perhaps, but had he not raped her, everything would be fine, so hindsight is always 20/20.

Ok, I think we're mixing up my opinion on this matter and what is objectively speaking.

My opinion is that he should be in jail for what he has done. But objectively speaking, it's going to be extremely difficult to prove.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I wish

Ok, I think we're mixing up my opinion on this matter and what is objectively speaking.

My opinion is that he should be in jail for what he has done. But objectively speaking, it's going to be extremely difficult to prove. So I don't want to give her hope that he will serve justice.

---

I realize this, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't at least go to the cops. This kind of logic is why rape is so under reported, because people start thinking like this. I am not saying he will do jail time, but she owes it to herself to at least report this.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kctiger

I realize this, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't at least go to the cops. This kind of logic is why rape is so under reported, because people start thinking like this. I am not saying he will do jail time, but she owes it to herself to at least report this.

---

I completely agree with you. I thought I made that part clear. I just told her that she will need to answer tough questions when she needs to provide evidence. So I'm just preparing her.

I edited my wording in the other posts, so that it is more clear.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kctiger

I realize this, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't at least go to the cops. This kind of logic is why rape is so under reported, because people start thinking like this. I am not saying he will do jail time, but she owes it to herself to at least report this.

---

If she goes to the cops, she'll be asked if she wants to press charges, right? You can't just go to the cops and say "Frank raped me". It seems it would lead to a court case.

I truly hope she tells her fiancé. If she has him behind her, it would be a comfort to her and maybe she'd have the strength to stand up to this moron in a court of law.

I didn't read the other posts but I really think this guy had it planned the entire night to take advance of you. You shouldn't blame yourself because you are the victim and nobdoy asks for this to happen to you.

I think you need to tell someone you trust. If your fiancé love and trust you his anger wouldn't be towards you but towards his so-called friend who is suppose to be his best man.

I think if you continue to hold this in it could lead to depression and if your fiancé really know you it shouldn't be hard for him to see that something is wrong and might start getting other ideas. Also, what about if his so-called friend tell him and fed his lies or start trying to blackmail you for sex. You need to tell him for your own piece of mind and sanity. Like I said earlier in my post, if he love and trust you he will stick by side.

Sorry this happen.

I didn't read all the post either but I'm going to pipe in.

Sadly it will be hard to get a conviction out of this. I'm assuming that you didn't go to the hospital and have a rape kit done? Also, the longer you wait to tell the cops the worse it's going to be. Should you report it? Yes. Will he be convicted, possibly but not likely. Sadly this is a case of he said she said at this point.

I was raped by my boyfriends best friend as well. I didn't know him all that well, he asked to stop by on his way to work one day, my parents where out. He said he needed to tell me something, he'd only be there for 5 minutes, I didn't think anything of it.

He had a broken arm at the time, a cast can inflict a lot of damage when someone uses it as a weapon. I was raped in my own bed, in my own house, and no, I didn't have a snow balls chance in hell of overpowering him. I never told anyone and I regret it to this day. I also felt like I was to blame. I let him into my home, I wasn't strong enough to fight him, so somehow that became my fault.

It's not your fault, you didn't consent, you were raped and he should have to pay for that. I guarantee, if he did it once, he'll do it again. Someone has to stop him.

Will this be easy? No. It's his lawyers job to make it look like consensual sex, like you agreed to it, where flirting with him, invited him back to your place, etc. etc. but hopefully, in the end, the jury will see the truth and he'll go to jail where he belongs.

We're here if you need to talk. Take care and know this, it wasn't your fault.

Really sad story, but I feel you should speak with a counselor ASAP, to have an objective person to guide you through the coping process, and give you the healing you need, so you can proceed to the next step.

For sure you bear no blame whatsoever for him taking advantage of your trust, and diminished mental capacity.

Guilt, and shame are clouding your judgment, and ability to do what's right for yourself, and deal with the possibility of having to see this fellow again.

Call your RAPE CRISIS CENTER, near you, to get some help right now. Then you can proceed to what's next.

Hope you get the help you need, by a professional.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I wish

People, I am strongly against the guy's actions. But we cannot blame 100% on 1 person. That is not the way it works. Getting hell drunk and being extremely vulnerable is not the way to go either.

I hate to play the devil's advocate, but did I miss some facts somewhere? What is the guy's side of the story? How intoxicated was he? Would he have raped her if he wasn't intoxicated? Any lawyer defending him will just tell him to tell the judge that he was too drunk to remember what happen and he's off the hook. The justice system sucks, but it's really really tough to prove this case.

There is a reason drinking is only permitted for people over the age of 21 in the United States. It is a highly toxic drink that prohibites you from thinking clearly.

---

Well he is not here to tell his side of the story but don't you think if he were that intoxicated as well he would have been just as "passed out" on the floor somewhere and unable to get his pants off let alone hers?

Was this guy still at your place the next morning or did he leave before you woke up?

If this were me and this guy was a friend I would be asking what the hell he did to me last night and if he were not there when I woke up I would be calling him on it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Janmarie

Well he is not here to tell his side of the story but don't you think if he were that intoxicated as well he would have been just as "passed out" on the floor somewhere and unable to get his pants off let alone hers?

Was this guy still at your place the next morning or did he leave before you woke up?

If this were me and this guy was a friend I would be asking what the hell he did to me last night and if he were not there when I woke up I would be calling him on it.

---

Exactly, we just have no idea what his side of the story is. We could speculate all day and night about what happened. Confronting him could be a first step, but we won't even know if what he says is true either. It's really really difficult to know what happened exactly.

I can tell you right now that his side of the story won't include admitting that he raped her, not unless he's a complete idiot.

She needs to go to the police, not to her rapist.

Quote:

---

If this were me and this guy was a friend I would be asking what the hell he did to me last night and if he were not there when I woke up I would be calling him on it.

---

So, if you were raped you'd call up the guy that raped you to ask what happened? Really? Wow!

After I was raped I saw the guy that raped me in a club one night, I started hyperventilating, turned white as a sheet, almost passed out. My friends didn't know what was going on, I just begged them to get me the hell out of there.

Talking to your rapist is not an option that any woman that's been raped considers.