OK, now you all know that I am dealing with insecurities and working through them and have been doing very well. So that is why I am coming on here to my friends, who I can count on to tell me if I am being bothered by nothing or if I should say something. I've let it slide a few times, and to be honest it's actually not my fiancé who's the problem.

I trust my fiancé 110%, that's not the issue. The issue is my own family, my cousin to be exact. He seems to be trying to get pretty close to my fiancé, before you think I'm overreacting let me tell you things that have happened so far. He has her number because she views him as family, strictly that and she said it to my brother because he told her to watch out for him because he doesn't care who he back stabs and she said "ew, he's family that would be so wrong" or something along those lines. Well Saturday night we went out to a birthday party to a bar, my fiancé has asthma so she had to get away from the smoke. Well he started texting her tell her to come back inside and to hurry. I didn't think much of it because we were all having a good time. Then on the way home, he yells some "padiddle" thing and tells me fiancé "to get naked" and she said "no way, never in front of you" which kind of irritated me but my fiancé told him how it was so I let it go once again. Then he came over one day while I was at work and she was home, I don't know what time he got there and I'm almost certain my mother was home at the time but still the fact he's coming over while I'm at work made me uncomfortable. Yesterday she started her new job and he text her to "have fun at training:)" and then came over later that night and the first words to me were "where is she" and proceeded to ask her about her day and how it went.

Now, I don't want to jump to conclusions about my own family, but does this seem like over stepping behavior? My fiancé hasn't given me any inclination about him to her, she doesn't see him that way or anything, that's not what I'm worried about. In the past, he has went after one of my ex's, to be honest, my old ex(not most recent) but right after we broke up, he was over her house until around 12 am and she was changing in front of him and stuff.

Am I overreacting or is there over stepping on his part?

Hi Rome,

Honestly, I feel that he his overstepping, especially since he did that with your ex. I would feel the same way you do (and this isn't being insecure at all on your part), he is just being 'overly' friendly with your fiance'. In the past have you ever talked to him about the situation and his actions/behavior regarding your ex? If so, what was his reaction? If not, you may want to sit him down and have a chat.

He didn't see that he was doing anything wrong, we were broken up and they were just friends.

I know I have an insecurity problem, but on this I don't think I am being insecure, I think he's crossing a line

I agree Rome, I think he is crossing a line too. I would definitely sit down and have a talk with him. Point out what he says and how he acts with your fiancé, and let him know that you find it wrong. You wouldn't act this way towards his girlfriend or fiancé, and you deserve the same respect.

Exactly, it's not like I'm asking him to shun her or not talk to her, but texting and stopping by to see how her day was. That, to me, is a little extreme. Another thing, at the bar her kept saying "she's coming home with me tonight" and putting his arm around her. Kind of ticked me off, but out of respect for my friend I didn't make a scene at his party

Yes, that is wrong. If a female relative or another girl did that with my boyfriend, kidding or not, that would bother the hell out of me. I get a knot in my stomach just thinking about it.

Even though you trust your fiance' and I trust my boyfriend, its other people who I don't trust.

While I find nothing wrong with the occasional comment about "taking someone home with me tonight" just as a joke to my "taken" friends, I don't hang on them, go over their house when I know their husbands/boyfriends won't be there, and text them like your cousin seems to be doing - that is all a bit too much. Something doesn't smell right here and considering his past history it seems like it wouldn't be beyond his behavior to try something.

You have every right to be cautious here and I don't believe it is a matter of being insecure - your cousin's behavior is crossing the line into inappropriate.

Okay, the occasional joke about being taken home is fine. I'd laugh it off but with a combination of everything it just seems way to off color

Hi Rome,

It is off color. It isn't right at all. You definitely should say something. You have every right. Have you spoken to your finance about this? What does she think?

I haven't talked to anyone, except on here about it because I first wanted to see if I was over reacting about this. I didn't want to jump at her if you guys thought I was over reacting. But with people telling me it's out of line, then I am going to speak with her about it and try to convey my point with her.

I'm sure your fiancé will understand your feeling this way. You are not in the wrong, nor are you being insecure. No offense, your cousin is being an a$$ and that would bother the hell out of me.

Yea, every since he started going to college, he thinks he's the best thing since slice bread. He's too cocky and thinks he can fight anyone and hits on people's girlfriends all the time

Hey Rome,

I think you should say something, if he is the greatest thing since sliced bread, he should be more than happy to hit on available females, not unavailable ones.

I think since you have stated that you trust your fiancé, that she isn't the problem, maybe just discuss whether it bothers her. She may not feel appropriate telling you how much it bothers her because he is your family.

I would then address him. This behavior isn't necessary, it's almost like he is out to prove something to you, or that there is something about wanting what you have, which is odd.

I know you will make a great choice, but I would talk to her first.

Yea, I think I will talk to her tonight. I didn't think about how she might feel with him being my family and everything. Thanks for pointing that out, it could be because she is a shy person and doesn't like making a fuss out of anything

Good luck, I am sure it will work out.

Family or not, he needs to be told where the lines of good behavior are, and if he can't stay on his side... see you, hate to be you!

Read him your rule book.

Its not her you need to speak with, its your cousin. Id defintely put him in line. What he's doing is disrespectful and dodgey.

I didn't want to start a new thread because it deals with the same issue. So I thought I'd add to this to please the admins


Update:

Well, for awhile he had been at college so I didn't have to worry about him. Well he's out now, and back at work(where my fiancé works at) I keep hearing about how they are put at registers across from each other and then they talk quite a bit. It's now to the point they know each others schedule(she told me it's because he tells her) I'm not sure what they talk about as I don't ask. I've noticed ways he has been looking at her when they are around. A few weeks ago, I was coaching our daughter's Tee-ball team and he came to watch and they were standing next to each other the whole time(not a big deal) then there was the whole laughing and talking to the whole time.

Now yes, I do have a jealousy problem, but given his past history with things. Am I wrong to request my fiancé to keep a little bit of distance between him and her? Or do I continue to let it go and fester inside of me? I'd rather avoid a huge blow up, so I am asking you guys what you think I should do.

It's coming to a point where if I see him, I might punch him in the mouth because I feel he is crossing limits.

Rome,

I think this is a dig considering the other things that you have going on in this relationship and this is a topper. All you have really discussed is they are together and talking a lot but that is apparently more with schedule then anything else.

It's the other factors that are making you insecure with their relationship. Have you talked with her about how you feel about this?

Just about how he has presented himself to her in the past, whenever he would come over, it would be him staring at her(even while in conversation at me) He has taken pictures with his phone of her. I am trying to give him a benefit of the doubt, but with his history, I'm not too sure.

I have talked to her about it briefly, she is a naïve person(her brother said so) so she doesn't see it as flirting or anything ill willed, because "he's family to me"(she said that) and said that "I'm twisting things up" but when a guy calls your fiancé a MILF, naturally it's going to raise a little concern

I am not trying to say that he isn't a little out of line, but you will have to trust her, even if she is naïve, that doesn't make her a cheater.

I was just saying that I think it is complicated by the fact that you other situation right now makes it harder to trust her because you are feeling insecure about that issue... are you reading between the lines with me?

Oh I get what you're saying. We have talked through that issue, and I found what the problem was. She was more worried about her last relationship ending and what her mom told her about "I'm not coming to another wedding when all you do is fail" so I could get why she was upset.

I'm not suggesting she's a cheater, and I trust that she won't allow him to over step into really close boundaries. I just don't like the whole idea of him always being around.

Maybe I'll bring it up casually to her, and try to see how she feels about it. She may feel the same way but doesn't want to say anything because he's my family. I think the big thing here is communication

I love it when you can answer your own questions. :D

Maybe your fiancé sees it at total innocence being family. Maybe she truly is blind to it. I would kind of find that hard to totally believe, but maybe. I was also thinking he might be making her uncomfortable and she doesn't know how to tell him. I think for sure he is stepping over the line and he needs to know it. Confront him and tell him before you stew on it longer and really blow. If he is so cocky and cool then tell him to use in on someone else not your girl.

Sounds like your cousin knows exactly the right buttons to push. Isn't that SO like family! :)

Talk to your fiancé. Tell her your issues with this guy. Then leave it up to her. You trust her (after all that you've been through on AMHD, heck, WE trust her!), she will do the right thing.

It will help her if she knows where you're coming from. Tell her the whole story... she'll do right by you.

Then, together, be the united front to your cousin - even talk to him (read him the rules) with her present, so that he KNOWS that she knows you aren't playing games.

This is your family. Your future. Don't let this jealous cousin take any bit of your happiness.

Best of luck.

That's exactly what I'll do. I will explain to her what has me bother about him and let her decide how to proceed on her end. I am going to confront my cousin because he has been told about this before(gotten in fist fights having his back) and he doesn't know when to stop so I'm going to give him one last talk about it, then if no progress he's going to have to be shown with force

You're cousin knows what he's doing and he knows it's over-the-line, there's no question about that. As for her, I've never met a female who didn't like attention. So it's clear that if this is going to end it's up to you to make the move.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

It's coming to a point where if I see him, I might punch him in the mouth because I feel he is crossing limits.

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You'd know better than any of us whether he deserves that, but he don't sound innocent so I tend to agree with you on this one.

This isn't an insecurity, anyone would be irritated with your cousin acting this way.

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Am I wrong to request my fiancé to keep a little bit of distance between him and her? Or do I continue to let it go and fester inside of me?

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I let my wife handle it her way, and not give him a second thought, other than to ask her "is that jerk bothering you?" casually.

That conveys your feelings about him to her, without putting demands on her, to maybe feel your distrustful of the way she does things, or she is inadequate, or not capable of dealing with the situation.

My motives for you are that your both young, and learning each other, and you must allow her space to learn, and grow, through your own patience, and confidence in her.

The real issue is how you deal with the discomfort, and when it comes to others outside the relationship, her feelings come first.

Have faith she will do the right thing for you both, and don't make it a big deal.

Having said that, the conversation between you, and your cousin, is between you two. But factor in the fact that they work together, so think before you act.

Believe me I know how family interactions, can be quite frustrating, and will tend to stretch your patience farther than you would like.

Its not what you do, its the way you do it.

Luckily she told me that he is leaving the job after this month, so that will ease up my feelings. Tal is right, I have to trust that she will handle things the right way. She isn't the type to hurt anyone, especially someone she is in love with. I'm going to let it go, as I know that she will make sure she keeps the boundary line tight. After all, she comes home to me every night anyway.

I feel a lot better after getting this out, maybe keeping it inside only made things worse. Venting really helped, thanks for listening guys.

And Tal, thank you. Your opinion means the world to me, your marriage has been working for a very long time. I was waiting for you to post on this issue, so thank you again

Along with everyone else, you are all very good friends and I appreciate the advice!

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but when a guy calls your fiancé a MILF, naturally it's going to raise a little concern

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How old is he??

He just turned 22, a little childish to refer to a woman as this don't you think

You made me think back a long ways, and I think your right, but I have to remind myself that your way beyond your age by your actions, he is not. He is just a young 22 year old kid, trying to figure himself out. He has issues he needs to grow out of.

Just like I did, way back in the day. If I had not had some patient guidance back then, I would have run my head through a lot more brick walls than I did.

Thank you Tal, I have decided that my fiancé is more than able to handle herself in these situations. I am going to enjoy my life with her, rather than let every little arsehole bother me.