Hello, this is my first post here. I'm having a hard time getting over the breakup with my boyfriend of 2 yrs. We had a good relationship, had fun with each other, etc. 8 months. Ago he decided to move out of state and accepted a new job and wanted me to move with him as soon as I could find a job there. I was in the midst of selling my condo and getting a divorce. He wanted me to do all that after I moved and I said no, that I needed to take care of things before moving on. Saw him when we both were able to, maybe 5 times since he moved. About a month or so ago he seemed more distant, then recently made statements that it's not working, we can't be in a long distant relationship forever, etc. We used to talk just about every night, then he stated turning off his cell phone on some nights. I called him and said, 'so you didn't want to talk to me again last night', and then I asked if he was *'ing around and he said Yes, and hung up! Then he e-mailed me that I had my chance to move down there and as usual I didn't even try (not true) and he said I could 'do all that' from down there (get the divorce) and it's ironic that my husband is doing it from Texas (he had divorce papers drawn up, which we agreed on) and that I have no one to blame but myself. Goodbye'
That's how he ended it and I haven't responded and he hasn't contacted me either. It's been 8 long days and I'm trying to get over how he has treated me. My head says, don't even shed another tear for that *sshole but my heart still hurts.

Yes it's a common factor that the heart is weak compared to our head. Its best in some instances to listen to our head and slowly slowly the process of healing happens sometimes without us noticing.

8 days is still fresh, of course you are going to hurt, but believe me when I say time does heal.

That you can't get over him that quickly actually speaks well of you since a fast recovery means you don't take this stuff seriously. Please know that this is a significant loss you have experienced, much like a death would be. The duration of the grief period differs from person to person but the process of grieving is very similar for each of us. Allow that you are grieving and that grief makes you fragile. This is a time to be extra careful with yourself. You might want to look at a few books about grieving too, and talk to your friends too-- those who have experienced it will undoubtedly have some interesting things to say. And read through some of the posts here about breakups to find examples of what to do and not do. My condolences for your loss, Midnight and take it easy for a while, slow and easy, okay?

Thank you for the replies. Yes, I am taking it easy as best I can. It just really hurts and it's disturbing that someone can be so mean and hurtful and then blame the other person because they might feel guilty for doing something wrong, like hooking up with someone else without talking about it first. I mean, just the decency to talk to me, not hang up on me, and then e-mail me to break up!!

Do you think he is hurt that you chose to make a decision based on your ex rather than your future with him? Then when he acts distant, you accuse him of cheating? It doesn't really matter... you had your reasons that you don't need to explain to us... but just know that sometimes our decisions have consequences.


And it doesn't sound like you really know what is going on... he could have just said yes he is messing around out of hurt or rejection... or he could be doing it. You don't know. But right now he doesn't think that it is working the way it is, so you have 2 choices, move there or break up. And you made your choice not to move. Don't worry about what is going on over there... worry about taking care of your life that you stayed to do... that was your priority, so take care of it. Let him go if he wants to go...

For your loss, I am sorry... you need someone who is accepting and supportive of your goals and what is going on in your life. Keep thinking that. If he doesn't want to end things the mature way, then that will be on his shoulders. You could wait some time then email him back and say how you are feeling about the way it ended, but then let it go.

Hope that helps... you seem to be strong and doing the right thing so far!

Thank you again for the replies. Just more info, the condo was sold in June and my soon 2b ex-husband sent divorce papers a few weeks later to me. I wanted to get these things done before moving with the boyfriend, but I guess he didn't want to wait. So I made the choice not to move but planned on moving when that was take care of. It would've been too much for me to handle... selling condo, divorce, moving to new state with boyfriend, new job... too much stress. Thought he would understand but he said I had no intention of moving, Not true! But I did want more time to be sure that's what would be good for me. I'm trying not to think about what's going on with him but I seem to be obsessing about it. The phone hang up and e-mail happened at work and I ended up a big crying mess (hate when that happens). Luckily my co-workers were understanding and supportive. I guess time will tell and will heal. I am in counseling and was told that maybe down the line, depending on how I feel, I could write him, like you say Yelo.

Well, good for you knowing what is best for you... not everyone will always agree. And getting help through this time is a great idea... Keep us posted! Just be patient with your grieving! IT will get easier. :)

Unfortunately long distance relationships rarely work. Sure he wanted you to move with him but what adjustments was he willing to make for you? Did he have to take that new job in a new state right then and there? Obviously you can't just pack up with your old life and instantly move to a new location, etc. etc. Especially when going through a divorce, which brings me to my second point. Not even being legally divorced yet, are you really ready for a whole new relationship? I think that right now you need some time to heal ; I don't honestly believe you're ready to give yourself wholeheartedly to someone entirely new and won't be for a while. All things considered I wouldn't fret too much about this relationship coming to an end as that's what was bound to happen anyhow.

Thank you s-c. What you say has brought me back to center. I have some internal work to do regarding feelings of loneliness and always needing a man in my life. Ever since I started dating back in high school I was rarely not in a relationship, and I've been married for 18 yrs. I definitely have to heal from getting divorced, it's not even final yet. I let myself get involved with the now ex-bf, and could be one reason to not deal with my separation. Not proud of that fact, but he was filling a need, but I must have been filling a need in him too. How can I feel comfortable and happy living and being by myself?

Get to know yourself... relearn what you like, how you think, how you feel, what makes you smile, what makes you happy... what makes you sad and what makes you scared...

So when Mr. right comes along, you will have YOU to offer... and you will know who that is! :)

You need some girlfriends, preferably ones who are single themselves to show you... to model what a happy single life looks like in real life.

Thank you Yelo! Makes perfect sense!

And Thank you Val! Need to find some good role models...

I've been wanting to contact the ex-bf so badly, I think because of how sudden everything ended and the fact that he was so mean about it. I think I'm looking for closure and maybe peace between us. Should I even bother and not make contact?

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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue

I've been wanting to contact the ex-bf so badly, I think because of how sudden everything ended and the fact that he was so mean about it. I think I'm looking for closure and maybe peace between us. Should I even bother and not make contact?

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Be really frank with yourself and know that its seldom about "closure" that anyone contacts someone who essentially slammed the door in their face. You are powerless over him and how he ended it. If you need a second helping to get that, so be it. Just don't be surprised if you get more of the same, okay?

Im definitley with Val on this one.

Be sure he is really who you want. It sounds as though you are lonely and he will still fill the void. If he were really a "keeper" and loved you he would have been there for you and understood. You are the one who knows him. Think hard about what he is really like, not what you want him to be, or the good part of him. See the whole man and decide if he is worth leaving your present job and life for.

But we had a 2 yr relationship! He had said before all this went down that he wanted to be friends 'before we get mad at each other'. This was when he was trying to let me know slowly that he 'didn't blame me for not wanting to move down there and leave my secure job, family and friends.' But that's because he found someone new I guess. I said 'why do you want to be friends with me?' He sounded upset and said 'you mean we'd never talk again?' And I said 'well, I can't get over you if I'm talking with you'.

How long were you and your husband separated? Is this relationship part of the reason for your divorce?

Separated 2.5 yrs. divorce is almost final. No, not the reason, but it was a factor in my moving out. I'd been very unhappy in my marriage for around 10 yrs or more, married 18 yrs.

Well long distance relationship. After being so close for so long. You should have known that distance would develop. He is not an *******, his heart was breaking that he was there and you decided to stay and wait until when? How does that work. There is only so much somebody can take and obvously he had enough. Do not put all the blame on him.

Joe

YOU accuesed him of cheating? Yes he is you BF of two years... and your not divorced yet.

Maybe the distance made him realize the red flags.

My advice is he also has some control issues...

I'dwork on myself - get my divorce and clean my life up.

BF of 2 years and you were married... this was no real relationship. And he probably realized it when you wouldn't move. That's screwed up. Get the divorce and then date. Divorces don't take 2 years if it's a bad marriage.

I don't think you read all my posts. Something I did leave out is my soon to be ex-husband and I decided to get the divorce once we sold our condo,and that's what we were able to do this past July. The ex-bff gave me a ring before he moved, he called it a pre-engagement ring, to let me know he was serious about us. I don't want him back, I just was wondering if I should let it go without contact, or can I at least e-mail him about how I felt he left things with us?

I am having a hard time following you. You have been separated for 2 1/2 yrs and have been in a relationship for 2 years with your b/f and were waiting to get a divorce until the condo sold. Evidently you were not living in the condo as you said your b/f was a deciding factor in your moving out. Your b/f moved 8 months ago and your condo sold 2 months ago. Your husband is the one who got the divorce and did it while living in Texas and you do not live in Texas, right? My thoughts are you must not have wanted to go with your b/f or you would have. I am confused as to why you did not get a divorce earlier. I think his waiting around for 2 1/2 yrs was to be commended. You say you don't want to get back with him, so why do you want to pursue him? I am sure you broke his heart by not following and by not getting a divorce earlier. Your ex-husband finally got the divorce. I do not know why you feel you need to vent to him. He has found someone who wants to be with him all of the time. I am sorry, but when someone has an affair while they are married, I feel it is wrong for all parties involved. It is unfair to the husband and unfair to the lover. Although the lover certainly knows what he is getting into. I am not passing judgement, that kind of relationship has a certain amount of deceit and lying that goes with it and it can not be healthy for anyone envolved. I feel, out of respect for yourself, husband and new b/f one relationship should be ended before another one begins. There is no way you can commit to someone while tied to another. Your b/f gave you 6 months to get to him and you did not. He needed a life. You need to get a handle on what you want out of life and then have a good lasting relationship. Good luck

Not gettng the divorce and then not moving = deal breakers in his mind. Pretty simple. Of course he moved on.

SOunds like you didn't have control of the situation and now you're upset.

I read your post perfect... it's the cheating part. Having an affair.

Well, all I can say is that if he's not willing to meet you half way. Then your better off without him. You can find someone so much better from what I read. You seem like a very intelligent person with a good head on your shoulders. You'll find that Mr. Right.

Thanks Stillalil. I am trying to let it go but it's hard, even though I know it's for the best. I guess it's the way he ended it that hurts. I did a lot for him, even helped him move down there! And was always supportive. I guess some guys only care about themselves and once they find another woman they feel they can just throw their previous relationship away like garbage. I'm still crying every night but I know I'll eventually come out the other side. And I'm staying away from relationships for a long time!

Midnight, he is angry, and you need to have the pride to walk away and look strong. It is okay DOWN THE ROAD to tell him how you feel and that maybe you are sorry the way things happened... but he is angry right now and can't hear you. So later, when he is calm, you are calm, and the intention is not to get back together, then letting him know might be okay, but for now, you have to let him make his choices. Let the dust settle a little bit. Neither one of you is correct in this situation... both made choices that were not good for the relationship... but you have to take responsibility for yours, you can't make him do that for his... so let him settle, and maybe he will be a little more ready.

Thank you Yelo. You've been offering me help throughout my posts and I'm very grateful to you and everyone who took the time to respond. I'm not one to reach out in times of trouble, so this is pretty new for me. What you say makes sense Yelo, down the road is sound advice. I have Not contacted him even when I felt so panicky because I felt I Had to talk to him. I'm proud of myself for that.

Personally - from all this, it sounds like you only care about yourself. This is a two way street. He put up with a lot I think. I am blunt, but look at what he had to deal with as well. Make some changes in your next relationship. I hear a lot of me, me, me. Just from what you've posted.

Wildcat, HE was the one who decided to move no matter what, and HE wanted me to pack up my life and run down there with him when I had huge issues to work out first. He didn't want to wait, so who's being selfish?

I think both parties had their faults... I have posted previously that her decisions helped put strain on the relationship, but he didn't end the relationship in a personal matter either. So, it doesn't really matter who is right or wrong, it is what can be done now... and I do think that she needs to look at herself and that other things came before her relationship(I posted that before) and maybe she just wasn't ready. But now she hopefull yhas learned to take responsibility and make some changes.

None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes, and we are all selfish at times... but we have to recognize that and make it better!

Leave the guys alone and work on putting your life together the way you want it. Your happiness doesn't depend on anyone but you so leave these relationship alone and let your poor heart heal from all the stuff you've been through. Get your soul healthy so you can make healthy decisions for yourself.

I am not blaming you, but I do not know if you realize how difficult it is to have a relationship with a married person. My sister went with a married man for quite some time and he was always going to get a divorce, but there was one more step and then another. I saw her heart ache and the hope soar only to be let down again. I realize you had a lot of issues to deal with, but I feel you should also understand he was always the one waiting and with it taking that long, wondering if it would really happen and if he were just being used. My sister finally told him one day she could not do it anymore. He was livid and could not understand. I flew there to stay with her for a while because she was so very sad, but she had to get on with her life as it was tearing her apart. It took her a good 2 years to recoup from that relationship. Please do not feel I am blaming you, no one is to blame, I just want you to try to understand how difficult it is for the unmarried person to wait and not know and be in limbo and broken promises and being put off.
I hope you can find some peace within yourself and then find a good relationship that is fullfilling to you both. Good luck.

Yes, Yelo, I am learning to take responsibility for my mistakes and going to counseling. This is and will continue to be a huge learning experience as I heal, and one that I will be grateful for, a blessing in disguise.
Thanks Tal, definitely going to stay away from the guys for a long while.

Midnight - I may be blunt, but - all I heard from your first posts was you blamming him.

I am glad you realize it's a two way street now.

I agree - fix yourself. Complete your divorce. In few months you will be I na better place.

Thank you K3, your response made me stop and think more of the ex-bf's side. But since he's been married and divorced 4 times I thought he would have more of an understanding in this area. And thanks WildCat, you are definitely blunt which does get one's attention. I'm assuming you're a guy right?

Don't be bitter just give yourself a chance to be happier by getting better. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue

Thank you K3, your response made me stop and think more of the ex-bf's side. But since he's been married and divorced 4 times I thought he would have more of an understanding in this area. And thanks WildCat, you are definitely blunt which does get one's attention. I'm assuming you're a guy right?

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If he has been married and divorced 4 times, you had best thank your lucky stars he has found someone else. You deserve to get on with your life and not end up with another broken heart. You will be just fine, someone is looking out for you.

Sounds even more screwed up, I know. I guess when in love we feel we'll be the one that will last forever. Now I'm seeing his moving away was and is a blessing in disguise.